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diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real deleted file mode 100644 index 330ada24..00000000 --- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6173 +0,0 @@ -"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, -"You have told me my bosom is snowy; - You have made much fine verse on - Each part of my person, -Now do something -- there's a good boy!" -% -"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" -Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. - "Since dating Miss Baugh, - My whole tongue has been raw-- -It must have been something I ate." -% -"I do love a lay every day, -So whenever you're coming this way - Just phone in advance - And I'll jerk off my pants, -And we're set for a sexy soiree!" -% -"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, -"Come on, take it out, and let's play." - He pulled it on out, - But she started to pout, -His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. -% -"The testes are cooler outside," -Said the doc to the curious bride, - "For the semen must no - Get too fucking hot, -And the bag fans your bum on the ride." -% -"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, -"And told my wife to try it on top. - She bounced for an hour, - Till she ran out of power, -And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." -% -'Tis a custom in Castellamare -To fuck in the back of a lorry. - The chassis and springs - Are like woodwinds and strings -In the midst of a musical soiree. -% -A CS student named Lin -Had a prick the size of a pin - It was no good for girls - But just great for squirrels -Who squealed with delight with it in. -% -A Frenchman who lived in Alsace -Had sex with a virgin named Grace. - When he popped her cherry, - She made things hairy -By bleeding all over his face. -% -A bad little girl in Madrid, -A most reprehensible kid, - Told her Tante Louise - That her cunt smelled like cheese, -And the worst of it was that it did! -% -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I am wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I'm quite wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% -A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? -I am not I, I'm a tree." - But another, more sane, - Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" -And covered his pants leg with pee. -% -A beautiful belle of Del Norte -Is reckoned disdainful and haughty - Because during the day - She says: "Boys, keep away!" -But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. -% -A beautiful lady named Psyche -Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. - One thing about Ike - The lady can't like -Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. -% -A beetling young woman named Pridgets -Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; - Off the end of a wharf - She once pushed a dwarf -Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression -Sold cigars at a key-club concession. - When she swiveled about - Even strong men cried out, -For her costume did not keep her flesh in. -% -A bobby of Nottingham Junction -Whose organ had long ceased to function - Deceived his good wife - For the rest of her life -With the aid of his constable's truncheon. -% -A broken-down harlot named Tupps -Was heard to confess in her cups: - "The height of my folly - Was diddling a collie- -But I got a nice price for the pups." -% -A burlesque dancer, a pip -Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; - But she read science fiction - And died of constriction -Attempting a Moebius strip. - -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" -% -A busy young lady named Gloria -Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier - And then by six men, - Sir Gerald again, -And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. -% -A cabin boy on an old clipper -Grew steadily flipper and flipper. - He plugged up his ass - With fragments of glass -And thus circumcised his old skipper. -% -A cautious young fellow named Lodge -Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - When his date was strapped in, - He committed a sin, -Without even leaving his grodge. -% -A cautious young fellow named Lodge, -Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - With his date all strapped in - He committed a sin -Without even leaving the garage. - -- "A Boy and His Dog" -% -A cautious young fellow named Tunney -Had a whang that was worth any money. - When eased in half-way, - The girl's sigh made him say, -"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." -% -A certain young man, it was noted, -Went about in the heat thickly-coated; - He said, "You may scoff, - But I shan't take it off; -Underneath I am horribly bloated." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A certain young person of Ghent, -Uncertain if lady or gent, - Shows his organs at large - For a small handling charge -To assist him in paying the rent. -% -A certain young sheik of Algiers -Said to his harem, "My dears, - Though you may think it odd of me, - I'm tired of just sodomy -Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) -% -A chap down in Oklahoma -Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, - But the sweetness of pitch - Couldn't put off the hitch -Of impotence, size and aroma. -% -A charmer from old Amarillo, -Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, - Decided one day - That to keep men away -She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. -% -A chippy who worked in Black Bluff -Had a pussy as large as a muff. - It had room for both hands - And some intimate glands, -And was soft as a little duck's fluff. -% -A clergical student named Simms -Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: - A nice piece of ass - Gets the B-Minor Mass ... -All the others get Anglican hymns. -% -A clerical student named Pryne -Through pain sought to reach the divine: - He wore a hair shirt, - Quite often ate dirt, -And bathed every Friday in brine. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The fuckin' thing broke -And beat both his balls to a cream. -% -A cocksucking steno named Beeman -Remarked as she swallowed my semen : - "On my minuscule salary - I must watch every calorie, -So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" -% -A contortionist hailing from Lynch -Used to rent out his tool by the inch. - A foot cost a quid -- - He could and he did -Stretch it to three in a pinch. -% -A corpulent maiden named Kroll -Had a notion exceedingly droll: - At a masquerade ball, - Dressed in nothing at all, -She backed in as a Parker House roll. -% -A couple was fishing near Clombe -When the maid began looking quite glum, - And said, "Bother the fish! - I'd rather coish!" -Which they did -- which was why they had come. -% -A cowhand way out in Seattle -Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. - He said, "No, I can't fuck - A lamb or a duck, -But golly! it just fits the cattle." -% -A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison -And had an affair with a Saracen. - She was not oversexed, - Or jealous or vexed, -She just wanted to make a comparison. -% -A cute little twerp from Samoa -Had a cock of one inch and no moa. - It was good for keyholes - And debutantes' peeholes -But not worth a damn on a whoa. -% -A daredevil skater named Lowe, -Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, - But is proudest of doing, - Some incredible screwing, -Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! -% -A deep-throated virgin named Netty -Was sucking a cock on the jetty. - She said, "It tastes nice, - Much better than rice, -Though not quite as good as spaghetti." -% -A delighted, incredulous bride -Remarked to her groom at her side : - "I never could quite - Believe till tonight -Our anatomies would coincide." -% -A dentist, young doctor Malone, -Got a charming girl patient alone, - And, in his depravity, - Filled the wrong cavity. -God, how his practice has grown. -% -A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, -With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, - Let his third-story front, - To a willing young cunt, -Who supplied him a new lease on life! -% -A desperate spinster from Clare -Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, - And prayed to her God - For a romp on the sod-- -'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. -% -A distinguished professor from Swarthmore -Got along with a sexy young sophomore. - As quick as a glance - He stripped off his pants, -But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. -% -A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, -Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. - She blew her vagina - To South Carolina, -And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. - -A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, -Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. - They found her vagina, - In South Carolina, -And part of her ass in Brazil. -% -A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee -So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. -% -A dolly in Dallas named Alice, -Whose overworked sex is all callous, - Wore the foreskin away - On uncircumcised Ray, -Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. -% -A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, -Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, - Had achieved some reknown - For her tone going down-- -There's a nice civil tongue in her head. -% -A fair-haired young damsel named Grace -Thought it very, very foolish to place - Her hand on your cock - When it turned hard as rock, -For fear it would explode in your face. -% -A farmer I know named O'Doole -Had a long and incredible tool. - He can use it to plow, - Or to diddle a cow, -Or just as a cue-stick at pool. -% -A fellatrix's healthful condition -Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. - Her remarkable diet - (I suggest that you try it) -Was only her clients' emission. -% -A fellow whose surname was Hunt -Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: - This versatile spout - Could be turned inside out, -Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. -% -A fisherman off of Cape Cod -Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" - But the high-minded fish - Resented his wish, -And nimbly swam off with his rod. -% -A foolish geologist from Kissen -Just didn't know what he was missin', - By studying rock - And neglecting his cock, -And using it merely for pissin'. -% -A frustrated lady named Alice -Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. - They found her vagina - In North Carolina -And bits of her tits were in Dallas. -% -A gay young prince from Morocco -Made love in a manner rococco. - He painted his penis - To resemble a venus -And flavored his semen with cocoa. -% -A geneticist living in Delft -Scientifically played with himself, - And when he was done - He labled it: son, -And filed him away on a shelf. -% -A gentleman, otherwise meek, -Detested with passion the leek; - When offered one out - He dealt such a clout -To the maid, she was down for a week. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A german composer named Bruckner -Remarked to a lady while fuckener : - "Less lento, my dear, - With your cute little rear; -I like a hot presto when muckener!" -% -A gift was delivered to Laura -From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; - Wrapped in tissue and crepe, - It was peeled, like a grape, -And emitted a pale, greenish aura. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A gifted young fellow from Sparta -Was widely renowned as a farta'. - He could fart anything - From "Of Thee I Sing," -To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." -% -A girl camper once had an affair -With a fellow all covered with hair. - When she gave him his hat - She realized that -She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. -% -A girl of the Enterprise crew -Refused every offer to screw. - But a Vulcan named Spock - Crawled under her smock, -And now she is eating for two. -% -A girl of uncertain nativity -Had an ass of extreme sensitivity - While she sat on the lap - Of a German or Jap, -She could sense Fifth Column activity. -% -A graduate student named Zac -Was said to be great in the sack. - An inch of his boner - Put girls in a coma -And two gave them epileptic attacks. -% -A greedy young lady from Sidney -Liked it in up to her kidney, - Till a man from Quebec - Shoved it up to her neck-- -He really diddled her, didn' he? -% -A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds -Once swallowed a package of seeds. - In a month, his ass - Was covered with grass -And his balls were grown over with weeds. -% -A guest in a household quite charmless -Was informed its eccentric was harmless: - "If you're caught unawares - At the head of the stairs, -Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A habit depraved and unsavory -Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery - Midst screeches and howls - He deflowered young owls -Which he kept in an underground aviary -% -A habit obscene and bizarre, -Has taken a-hold of papa. - He brings home young camels - And other odd mammals, -And gives them a go at mama. -% -A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk -Made love to the drive of his disk. - The thing circumsized him, - Which rather suprised him. -He wasn't aware of *that* risk. -% -A handsome young rodent named Gratian -As a lifeguard became a sensation. - All the lady mice waved - And screamed to be saved -By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. -% -A happy old hooker named Grace -Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. - It was hard for beginners - To tell who were winners : -There were cunt hairs all over the place. -% -A hardware debugger named Court -Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. - But its buffer array - Only handled 1K, -So the port's driver cut it off short. -% -A haughty young wench of Del Norte -Would fuck only men over forty. - Said she, "It's too quick - With a young fellow's prick; -I like it to last, and be warty." -% -A headstrong young woman in Ealing -Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; - When quizzed why she did, - She replied, "To be rid -Of a strange, overpowering feeling." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A hearty young fellow named Yost -Once had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of the spasm - The poor ectoplasm -Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." -% -A hidebound young virgin named Carrie -Would say, when the fellows got hairy : - "Keep your prick in your pants - Till the end of this dance--" -Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. -% -A highly aesthetic young Jew -Had eyes of a heavenly blue; - The end of his dillie - Was shaped like a lilly, -And his balls were too utterly two! -% -A highway patrol buff named Claire, -Once screwed half a troop on a dare, - And her parts grew so hot, - There was steam on her twat, -So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! -% -A horny young fellow named Reg, -Was jerking off under a hedge. - The gardener drew near - With a huge pruning shear, -And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. -% -A huge-organed female in Dallas, -Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, - Was virgo intacto, - Because, ipso facto, -No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. -% -A joker who haunts Monticello -Is really a terrible fellow. - In the midst of caresses - He fills ladies dresses -With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. -% -A lacklustre lady of Brougham -Weaveth all night at her loom. - Anon she doth blench - When her lord and his wench -Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. -% -A lad from far-off Transvaal -Was lustful, but tactful withal. - He'd say, just for luck, - "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" -But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. -% -A lad of the brainier kind -Had erogenous zones in his mind. - He got his sensations, - By solving equations, -(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) -% -A lad, at his first copulation, -Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, - Gyration, elation - Throughout the duration, -I guess I'll give up masturbation." -% -A lady born under a curse -Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; - From the back she would wail - Through a thickness of veil: -"Things do not get better, but worse." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady both callous and brash -Met a man with a vast black moustache; - She cried, "Shave it, O do! - And I'll put it with glue -On my hat as a sort of panache." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady from Kalamazoo -Once found she had nothing to do, - So she sat on the stairs - And she counted her hairs: -4,302. -% -A lady from Old Little Rock -In fidelity took little stock, - And deserted her man - In the streets of Japan -For a boy with a prehensile cock. -% -A lady removing her scanties, -Heard them crackle electrical chanties. - Said her beau, "Have no fear, - For the reason is clear: -You simply have amps in your panties. -% -A lady stockholder quite hetera -Decided her fortune to bettera: - On the floor, quite unclad, - She successively had -Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... -% -A lady was seized with intent -To revise her existence misspent. - So she climbed up the dome - Of St. Peter's in Rome, -Where she stayed through the following Lent. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady who signs herself "Vexed" -Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: - "I don't mind my shins - Being stuck full of pins, -But I fear I am coming unsexed." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A lady with features cherubic -Was famed for her area pubic. - When they asked her its size - She replied in surprise, -"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" -% -A lady, while dining in Crewe, -Found an elephant's whang in her stew. - Said the waiter, "Don't shout - Or wave it about -Or the others will ask for one, too." -% -A lass at the foot of her class -Asked a brainier chick how to pass. - She replied, "With no fuss - You can get a B-plus, -By letting the prof pat your ass." -% -A lecherous barkeep named Dale, -After fucking his favorite female, - Mixed Drambuie and scotch - With the cream in her crotch -For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. -% -A licentious old justice of Salem -Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. - But instead of a fine - He would stand them in line, -With his common-law tool to impale 'em. -% -A limerick packs laughs anatomical -Into space that is quite economical. - But the good ones I've seen - So seldom are clean, -And the clean ones so seldom are comical. -% -A lonely young lad of Eton -Used always to sleep with the heat on, - Till he ran into a lass - Who showed him her ass -- -Now they sleep with only a sheet on. -% -A lovely young diver named Nancy, -Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, - The fish of Bonaire, - Watched her Derriere, -And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. -% -A lovely young maid from St. Jude -Once rode through the streets in the nude. - The police cried, "Whatam-- - Agnificent bottom" -And slapped it as hard as they could. -% -A lusty young maid from Seattle -Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; - Till she found a bull - Who filled her so full -It made both her ovaries rattle. -% -A lusty young woodsman of Maine -For years with no woman had lain, - But he found sublimation - At a high elevation -In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! -% -A madam who ran a bordello -Put come in her pineapple jello, - For the rich, sexy taste - And not wanting to waste -That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. -% -A maestro directing in Rome -Had a quaint way of driving it home. - Whoever he climbed - Had to keep her tail timed -To the beat of his old metronome. -% -A maiden who lived in Virginny -Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. - The horsey set rushed her, - But success finally crushed her -For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. -% -A maiden who travelled in France -Once got on a train, just by chance. - The engineer fucked her, - The conductor sucked her, -And the fireman came in his pants. -% -A maiden who wrote of big cities -Some songs full of love, fun and pities, - Sold her stuff at the shop - Of a musical wop -Who played with her soft little titties. -% -A man was once heard to boast, -That he received a parcel by post, - It contained, so we heard, - A magnificent turd, -And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. -% -A marine being sent to Hong Kong -Got a doctor to alter his dong. - He sailed off with a tool - Flat and thin as a rule - -When he got there he found he was wrong. -% -A mathematician named Hall -Had a hexhedronical ball, - And the square of its weight - Times his pecker's, plus eight, -Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. -% -A mathematician named Hall -Has a hexahedronical ball, - And the cube of its weight - Times his pecker's, plus eight -Is his phone number -- give him a call. -% -A mathematician named Klein -Thought the Mobius band was divine. - Said he, "If you glue - The edges of two, -You'll get a weird bottle like mine! -% -A middle-aged codger named Bruin -Found his love life completely in ruin, - For he flirted with flirts - Wearing pants and no skirts, -And he never got in for no screwin'. -% -A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, -Who was lonely and wanted a futter. - She had nowhere to turn, - So she diddled a churn, -And managed to come with the butter. -% -A mortician who practised in Fife -Made love to the corpse of his wife. - "How could I know, Judge? - She was cold, did not budge-- -Just the same as she'd acted in life." -% -A nasty old drunk in Carmel -Thinks it funny to piss in the well. - He says, "Some don't favor - That unusual flavor, -But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" -% -A nervous young fellow named Fred -Took a charming young widow to bed. - When he'd diddled a while - She remarked with a smile, -"You've got it all in but the head." -% -A new dramatist of the absurd -Has a voice that will shortly be heard. - I learn from my spies - He's about to devise -An unprintable three-letter word. -% -A newly-wed man of Peru -Found himself in a terrible stew: - His wife was in bed - Much deader than dead, -And so he had no one to screw. -% -A newlywed couple from Goshen -Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. - In twenty-eight days - They got laid eighty ways -- -Imagine such fucking devotion! -% -A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, -In the pleasures of men was well-versed. - Reads the sign o'er the head - Of her well-rumpled bed -"The customer always comes first." -% -A novice was told by the Abbot: -"Consider the goat and the rabbit. - While they roll in the hay - You just stay home and pray. -You've got to get out of that habit." -% -A nudist resort at Benares -Took a midget in all unawares. - But he made members weep - For he just couldn't keep -His nose out of private affairs. -% -A nurse motivated by spite -Tied her infantine charge to a kite; - She launched it with ease - On the afternoon breeze, -And watched till it flew out of sight. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A passionate red-haired girl -When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, - And her twat would get wet, - And would wiggle and fret, -And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. -% -A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux -Fell in love with a dashing young beau. - To arrest his regard - She would squat in his yard -And longingly pee in the sneaux. -% -A petulant man once said, "Pish, -Your cunt is as big as a dish." - She replied, "Why, you fool, - With your limp little tool, -It's like driving a pin with a fish." -% -A physical fellow named Fisk -Could screw at a rate very brisk. - So fast was his action - The Fitzgerald contraction -Would shrink up his rod to a disk. -% -A pious old woman named Tweak -Had taught her vagina to speak. - It was frequently liable - To quote from the Bible, -But when fucking -- not even a squeak! -% -A pious young lady named Finnegan -Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; - So time it aright, - Make it last through the night, -For I certainly don't want to sin again!" -% -A pious young lady of Chichester -Made all of the saints in their niches stir - And each morning at matin - Her breast in pink satin -Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. -% -A playful young chemist named Byrd -Had an urge that could not be deferred. - So to irritate Knox - He shit in his sox, -And plastered the walls with his turd. -% -A plumber whose name was John Brink -Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. - Her resistance was stout, - And John Brink petered out, -With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. -% -A potter who lived in Bombay -Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; - But the heat of his prick - Kilned the damn thing to brick -And chafed all his foreskin away. -% -A pretty wife living in Tours -Demanded her daily amour. - But the husband said, "No! - It's to much. Let it go! -My backsides are dragging the floor." -% -A pretty young boy known as Kevin -Was raped in a pasture by seven - Lascivious beasts - (Oh, those Anglican priests) -And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young maiden from France -Decided she'd "just take a chance." - She let herself go - For an hour or so, -And now all her sisters are aunts. -% -A princess who lived near a bog -Met a prince in the form of a frog. - Now she and her prince - Are the parents of quints, -Four boys and one fine polliwog. -% -A princess who reigned in Baroda -Made her home on a purple pagoda. - She festooned the walls - Of her halls with the balls -And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. -% -A progressive professor named Winners -Held classes each evening for sinners. - They were graded and spaced - So the vile and debased -Would not be held back by beginners. -% -A rapist who reeked of cheap booze -Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. - She cried, "I suppose - There's no time for my clothes, -But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" -% -A rapturous young fellatrix -One day was at work on five pricks. - With an unholy cry - She whipped out her glass eye: -"Tell the boys I can now take on six." -% -A reckless young lady of France -Had no qualms about taking a chance, - But she thought it was crude - To get screwed in the nude, -So she always went home with damp pants. -% -A remarkable race are the Persians, -They have such peculiar diversions. - They screw the whole day - In the regular way, -And save up the nights for perversions. -% -A remarkable race are the Persians; -They have such peculiar diversions. - They make love the whole day - In the usual way -And save up the nights for perversions. -% -A responsive young girl from the East -In bed was an able artiste. - She had learned two positions - From family physicians, -And ten more from the old parish priest. -% -A romantic attraction has clung -To a chap of whom damsels have sung: - "'Tis the Scourge from the East, - That lascivious beast -Who was known as Attila the Hung!" -% -A sailor who slept in the sun, -Woke to find his fly buttons undone, - He remarked with a smile, - "Good grief, a sun-dial! -And now it's a quarter-past one." -% -A savvy young hooker named Gail -Got busted and lodged in the jail. - But the jailer got hot, - To be lodged in her twat, -And so Gail made the bail with her tail. -% -A scandal involving an oyster -Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister - She preferred it, in bed, - To the count (so she said) -'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. -% -A scream from the crypt of St. Giles -Resounded for miles upon miles. - Said the friar, "Good gracious, - The brother Ignatious -Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." -% -A seafaring hacker named Slatey -Went to bed with a VAX/780. - The thing's learned to swear - With a nautical air, -And refers to its users as "matey". -% -A sex-loving coed named Bree -Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. - The joystick, she found, - Had been fooling around -With a neighboring student's PC. -% -A silly young man from Hong Kong -Had hands that were skinny and long. - He ate rice with his fingers-- - The taste of it lingers, -But now all his fingers are gone. -% -A slick talking pirate named Bruce -To steal code, had a plan to seduce - An Apple II+. - Now Bruce wears a truss -And was jailed for computer abuse. -% -A software technician from Digital -Had hardware extremely prodigical. - It's rumoured, I hear, - That when he was near -He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. -% -A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, -Made love to a lovely girl sentry. - She started to pout, - Because it fell out, -But the mission was saved by re-entry. -% -A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, -His moment of sexual truth. - He'd expected to fall - On a womb's spongy wall -But was dashed to his death on a tooth. -% -A spinster in Kalamazoo -Once strolled after dark by the zoo. - She was seized by the nape, - And fucked by an ape, -And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." - -And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, -But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry - A man with a prick - Half as stiff and as thick -As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." -% -A spunky young schoolboy named Fred -Used totoss off each night while in bed. - Said his mother, "Dear lad, - That's exceedingly bad-- -Jump in here with your mamma instead." -% -A starship commander named Kirk -Emerged from his cabin berserk. - He grabbed a girl yeoman - Beneath the abdomen, -And gave her a physical jerk. -% -A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, -Was having a captive, a person - Who was not averse - Though she had the curse, -And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. -% -A structured programmer named Drew -Was intensely turned on by "goto". - When he saw it in code - He'd shoot off his load. -It's a good thing his shop used so few. -% -A studious professor named Nestor -Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. - But she drained out his balls - And skipped up the walls, -Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. -% -A sweetheart named Teresa Arden -Went down on her beau in the garden. - He said, "Good lord, Tess, - Don't swallow that mess " -And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" -% -A systems programmer named Sprotic -Found his software intensely erotic. - In jealous distress - He wiped his OS. -It's possible that he's psychotic. -% -A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, -Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. - While the man detumesced - She still spent on with zest, -Her rapture sheer anachronism. -% -A talented girl from Detroit -Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. - She could squeeze her vagina - To a pin-point or finer -Or open it out like a quoit. -% -A team playing baseball in Dallas -Called te umpire blind out of malice. - While this worthy had fits - The team made eight hits -And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. -% -A team playing baseball in Dallas -Called the umpire blind out of malice. - While this worthy had fits - The team made eight hits -And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. -% -A teenage protester named Lil -Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill - First they bugged our martinis, - Our bras and bikinis, -And now they are bugging the pill." -% -A thrice-married gal from L.A. -Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, - 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, - The voyeur only gawked at it, -And my most recent man's a gourmet." -% -A tidy young lady of Streator -Dearly loved to nibble a peter. - She always would say, - "I prefer it this way. -I think it is very much neater." -% -A timid young woman named Jane -Found parties a terrible strain; - With movements uncertain - She'd hide in a curtain -And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A tired young trollop of Nome -Was worn out from her toes to her dome. - Eight miners came screwing, - But she said, "Nothing doing; -One of you has to go home!" -% -A trapper named Francois Lefevre -Once captured and buggered a beaver. - The result of this fuck - Was a three titted duck, -A canoe, and an Irish retriever. -% -A tutor who tooted a flute -Tried to tutor two tutors to toot - Said the two to the tutor: - "Is it harder to toot or -To tutor two tutors to toot" -% -A vengeful technician named Schmitz -Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. - He covered the platter - With bats' fecal matter. -Now its seek time is really the pits. -% -A very odd pair are the Pitts: -His balls are as large as her tits, - Her tits are as large - As an invasion barge-- -Neither knows how the other cohabits. -% -A wanton young lady from Wimley -Reproached for not acting quite primly - Said, "Heavens above! - I know sex isn't love, -But it's such an entrancing facsimile." -% -A water pipe suited miss Hunt; -She used it for many a bunt. - But the unlucky wench - Got it caught in her trench --- -It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, -To get the thing out of her cunt. -% -A weary old lecher named Blott -Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. - Too lazy to rape her, - He made darts out of paper, -Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. -% -A whimsical fellow named Bloch -Could beat the base drum with his cock. - With a special erection - He could play a selection -From Johann Sebastian Bach. -% -A wicked stone cutter named Cary -Drilled holes in divine statuary. - With eyes full of malice - He pulled out his phallus, -And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. -% -A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket -Had a hole as big as a basket. - A spot, as a bride, - In it now, you could hide, -And include with your luggage your mascot. -% -A widow who fancied a man some -Was diddled three times in a hansome. - When she clamored for more - Her young man became sore -And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." -% -A widow whose singular vice -Was to keep her late husband on ice - Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- - I'll never defrost him! -Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." -% -A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, -Renowned for the length of their peenies. - The hair on their balls - Sweeps the floors of their halls, -But they don't look at women, the meanies. -% -A wood-fetish busboy named Gable -Is rapid, is thorough, is able; - But when everything's cleared, - He gives way to the weird, -As he lovingly busses each table. -% -A worn-out young husband named Lehr -Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: - "Slip on a sheath, quick, - Then slip your big dick -Between these lips covered with hair." -% -A worried young man from Stamboul -Founds lots of red spots on his tool. - Said the doctor, a cynic, - "Get out of my clinic; -Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" -% -A young Juliet of St. Louis -On a balcony stood acting screwy. - Her Romeo climbed, - But he wasn't well timed, -And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! -% -A young bride and groom of Australia -Remarked as they joined genitalia : - "Though the system seems odd, - We are thankful that God -Developed the genus Mammalia." -% -A young fellow discovered through Freud -That although of penis devoid, - He could practice coitus - By eating a foetus, -And his parents were quite overjoyed. -% -A young lad named Lester McGraw -Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. - As he watched him stick her - He said, with a snicker, -"You do it much faster than Paw." -% -A young lady sat by the sea, -Just as proper as proper could be. - A young fellow goosed her, - And roughly seduced her, -So she thanked him and went home to tea. -% -A young lady who lived by the Usk -Subsisted each day on a rusk; - She ate the first bite - Before it was light, -And the last crumb sometime after dusk. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A young lass got married at Chester; -Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. - Said she, "You're in luck -- - 'E's a stunning good fuck, -For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." -% -A young maiden from France was no prude, -She decided to dive in the nude, - But her buddy, behind, - Went out of his mind, -When he noticed where she was tatooed. -% -A young man by a girl was desired -To give her the thrills she required, - But he died of old age - Ere his cock could assuage -The volcanic desire it inspired. -% -A young man from the banks of the Po -Found his cock had elongated so, - That when he'd pee - It was never he -But only his neighbors who'd know. -% -A young man grew increasingly peaky -In a house where the hinges were squeaky, - The ferns curled up brown, - The ceilings flaked down, -And all of the faucets were leaky. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A young man maintained that his trigger -Was so big that there weren't any bigger. - But this long and thick pud - Was so heavy it could -Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. -% -A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll -While bent over plucking a dingle - Had the whole of Eisteddfod - Taking turns at his pod -While they sang some impossible jingle. -% -A young man of acumen and daring, -Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, - Was left quite alone - When it soon became known -That their use at his board was unsparing. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A young man with passions quite gingery -Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. - He slapped her behind - And made up his mind -To add incest to insult and injury. -% -A young polo-player of Berkeley -Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. - In the midst of each chukker - He would break off and fuck her -Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. -% -A young systems programmer of Sprotic -Found his software intensely erotic. - In jealous distress - He wiped his OS. -It's possible that he's a psychotic. -% -A young violinist from Rio -Was seducing a woman named Cleo. - As she took down her panties - She said, "No andantes; -I want this allegro con brio!" -% -A young wife in the outskirts of Reims -Preferred frigging to going to mass. - Said her husband, "Take Jacques, - Or any young cock, -For I cannot live up to your ass." -% -A young woman got married at Chester, -Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. - Says she, "You're in luck, - He's a stunning good fuck, -For I've had him myself down in Leicester." -% -Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, -The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, - Her figurehead They filled his ass, - A whore in bed, With broken glass, -Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper. - -The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, -And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, - Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, - Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, -And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. - -The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, -And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, - When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, - And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, -Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! -% -According to experts, the oyster -In its shell - a crustacean cloister - - May frequently be - Either he or a she -Or both, if it should be its choice ter. -% -Alas for the Countess d'Isere, -Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. - Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" - When he parted her thighs; -"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." -% -All the female apes ran from King Kong -For his dong was unspeakably long. - But a friendly giraffe - Quaffed his yard and a half, -And ecstatically burst into song. -% -An AI researcher named Bluth -Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, - Eroticon VI, - Which he taught certain tricks -Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. -% -An ARPAnaut name of Corvette -Had a fetish involving the net. - As he fondled his IMP - His cock went from limp -To as hard as concrete which has set. -% -An Argentine gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. - Women are fine - And sheep are divine -But llamas are numero uno." -% -An Edwardian father named Udgeon, -Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, - Used on Saturday nights - To turn down the lights, -And chase them around with a bludgeon. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An aesthete from South Carolina -Had a cock that tickled like China, - But while shooting his load - It cracked like old Spode, -So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. -% -An agreeable girl named Miss Doves -Likes to jack off the young men she loves. - She will use her bare fist - If the fellows insist -But she really prefers to wear gloves. -% -An amazon giantess named Dunne -Let a midget screw her for fun. - But the poor little runt - Was engulfed in her cunt -And re-born as the twin of his son. -% -An ambitious lady named Harriet -Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot - By seventeen sailors - A monk and three tailors, -Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. -% -An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, -Saw sartorial changes ahead. - His mind kept on ringing - With fishy girls singing; -Soft fruit also filled him with dread. - -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" -% -An anonymous woman we knew -Was dozing one day in her pew; - When the preacher yelled "Sin!" - She said, "Count me in -As soon as the service is through." -% -An architect fellow named Yoric -Could, when feeling euphoric, - Display for selection - Three kinds of erection -- -Corinthian, ionic, and doric. -% -An ardent young man named Magruder -Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. - She thought it quite lewd - To be wooed in the nude, -But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. -% -An arrogant wench from Salt Lake -Liked to tease all the boys on the make. - She was finally the prize - Of a man twice her size -And all she recalls is the ache. -% -An artist who lived in Australia -Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. - The drawing was fine, - The colour - devine, -The scent - ah, that was a failia. -% -An eager young hacker named Gus -Once buggered a VAX Unibus. - The hardware went bad, - But not the young lad -(Except for the toupee and truss). -% -An eager young hacker named Gus -Once buggered a VAX Unibus. - The hardware went bad, - But not the young lad -He didn't expect all that fuss! -% -An envious girl named McMeanus -Was jealous of her lover's big penis. - It was small consolation - That the rest of the nation -Of women were with her in weeness. -% -An exotic young lady named Suki -Once danced in a troupe of kabuki - When asked for a fuck - She said, "Solly, no luck-- -See here: looky looky, no nuki " -% -An impish young fellow named James -Had a passion for idiot games. - He lighted the hair - Of his lady's affair -And laughed as she pissed through the flames. -% -An impotent Scot named MacDougall -Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. - He was gathering semen - To gender a he-man, -By screwing his wife through a bugle. -% -An incautious young woman named Venn -Was seen with the wrong sort of men; - She vanished one day, - But the following May -Her legs were retrieved from a fen. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An indefatigable woman named Bavel -Had often occasion to travel; - On the way she would sit - And furiously knit, -And on the way back she'd unravel. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An ingenious young man in South Bend -Made a synthetic ass for a friend, - But the friend shortly found - Its construction unsound, -It was simply a bother -- no end. -% -An innocent maiden named Herridge -Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; - When she later found out - What her spouse was about, -She threw herself under a carriage. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An inquisitive virgin named Dora -Asked the man who started to bore 'er : - "Do you mean birds and bees - Go through antics like these, -To suppy us our fauna and flora?" -% -An irate young lady named Booker -Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! - If you want it queer ways, - Go to whores for your lays!" -So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. -% -An octagenerian Jew -To his wife remained steadfastly true. - This was not from compunction, - But due to dysfunction -Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. -% -An old couple just at Shrovetide -Were having a piece -- when he died. - The wife for a week - Sat tight on his peak, -And bounced up and down as she cried. -% -An old electronic designer -Had designs on a minor named Dinah. - He couldn't carry them out - For his prick was too stout, -And too small was the minor's vagina. -% -An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings -Were a terrible trial to his siblings, - But he was not removed - Till one day it was proved -That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. - -- Edward Gorey -% -An old maid who had a pet ape -Lived in fear of perpetual rape. - His red, hairy phallus - So filled her with malice -That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. -% -An old man at the Folies Bergere -Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: - It snipped off a twat-curl - From each new chorus girl, -And he had a wig made of the hair. -% -An organist playing in York -Had a prick that could hold a small fork, - And between obbligatos - He'd munch at tomatoes, -To keep up his strength while at work. -% -An orgasmic young sex star named Sue -Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. - Her climatic fame spread - With an ad blitz that said: -Coming soon at a theater near you! -% -An uptight young lady named Breerley -Who valued her morals too dearly - Had sex, so I hear, - Only once every year, -And she strained her vagina severely. -% -And earnest young woman in Thrace -Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" - So he gave her a thwack, - And did on her back, -What he couldn't have done face to face. -% -And let me the canakin clink, clink; -and let me the canakin clink. - A soldier's a man; - O, man's life's but a span, -Why then, let a soldier drink. -% -And then there's the story that's fraught -With disaster -- of balls that got caught, - When a chap took a crap - In the woods, and a trap -Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! -% -As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops -Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. - Since he thinks it's effete - To be beating his meat, -What he's into is licking his chops. -% -As he came in his chubby choirboy, -Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! - If no sodomy levens - And possible heavens, -Existence will merely annoy." -% -As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, -Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! - I could not bear the loss, - For with scarlet silk floss -My mama has embroidered their clocks." - -- Edward Gorey -% -As tourists inspected the apse -An ominous series of raps - Came from under the altar, - Which caused some to falter -And others to shriek and collapse. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, -"Do I sin if I do what I want, if - I screw a young nun - In the eastertide sun?" -His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." -% -At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, -Though of love we are never penurious. - Thanks to vulcanized aids, - Though we may die old maids, -At least we shall never die curious. -% -At a contest for farting in Butte -One lady's exertion was cute : - It won the diploma - For fetid aroma, -And three judges were felled by the brute. -% -At a dance, a girl from Connecticut -Showed an absolute absence of etiquette - Letting all comers press - Through the skirt of her dress -And wiping the mess with her petticoat. -% -At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers -Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; - It beats all night long - A dirge on a gong -As it staggers about in the creepers. - -- Edward Gorey -% -At the end of all civilization -Is the planet Terminus's location. - There's a girl there whose feat, - Without stone or concrete, -Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. -% -At the moment Japan declared war -A sailor was fucking a whore. - He said, "After this poke - `Long and hard' ain't no joke; -This means months 'til I get back ashore." -% -At whist drives and strawberry teas -Fan would giggle and show off her knees; - But when she was alone - She'd drink eau de cologne, -And weep from a sense of unease. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Augustus, for splashing his soup, -Was put for the night on the stoop; - In the morning he'd not - Repented a jot, -And next day he was dead of the croup. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Back in the days of old Adam -The grass served as mattress for madam, - And they spent the whole day - On the sex that today -They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. -% -Coitus upon a cadaver -Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. - Her inanimate state - Means a man needn't wait, -And eliminates all the palaver. -% -Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at? -I know - you don't have to say that! - All you guys want of me - Is a poke where I pee, -And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" -% -Cum Hilde autem ambulabat -Homo qui aedificabat. - Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. - Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. -Sed virginem pine necebat. -% -Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches -Got on with her grooms and her wenches: - She went down on the gents, - And pronged the girl's vents -With a clitoris reaching six inches. -% -De Hispanice puella verumque -Simplex oris verborumque - Tulit potens vagina - Hominum agmina -Iterum iterum iterumque. -% -Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? -He was blown down the street by a rocket. - The force of the blast - Blew his balls up his ass, -And his pecker was found in his pocket. -% -DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell -Built a world-circling pussy cartel, - And by planned obsolescence, - So controlled detumescence, -A poor man could not get a smell. -% -Each Friday his engines abort, -But Scotty is never caught short. - He fills his machines - With space-navy beans, -And farts the ship back into port. -% -Each night Father fills me with dread -When he sits on the foot of my bed; - I'd not mind that he speaks - In gibbers and squeaks, -But for the seventeen years he's been dead. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, -Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. - Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, - Ich hore Mann kommen." -"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." -% -Ethnologists up with the Sioux -Wired home for two punts, one canoe. - The answer next day, - Said, "Girls on the way, -But what the hell's a `panoe'?" -% -Exuberant Sue from Anjou -Found that fucking affected her hue. - She presented to sight - Nipples pink, bottom white; -But her asshole was purple and blue. -% -Flappity, floppity, flip -The mouse on the Mobius strip; - The strip revolved, - The mouse dissolved -In a chronodimensional skip. -% -Fond of equestrians, Mabel -Looked for true love in the stable. - But she found the studs, - For her were all duds, -Now she's out with the leg of a table. -% -For the sores on his prick he used Dial. -That failed; he gave Lava a trial. - But the one remedy - For contagious V.D. -Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. -% -From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, -There is really abominable news; - They've discovered a head - In the box for the bread, -But nobody seems to know whose. - -- Edward Gorey -% -From deep in the crypt at St. Giles -Came a bellow that echoed for miles. - Said the rector, "My gracious, - Has Father Ignatius -Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" -% -From the bathing machine came a din -As of jollification within; - It was heard far and wide, - And the incoming tide -Had a definite flavour of gin. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. -It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. - It makes you sick, it makes you well, - It turns your spine to fucking jell, -It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. -% -God's plan had a great beginning, -But man spoiled his chances by sinning - We trust that the story - Will end in God's glory -But at present the other side's winning. -% -God's plan made a hopeful beginning -But man spoiled his chances by sinning. - We trust that the story - Will end in God's glory -But at present, the other side's winning. -% -Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, -Who came to Rumania's rescue? - It's a wonderful thing - To be under a king-- -Is democracy better, I esk you? -% -Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum -Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? - Some people say, - Love finds a way, -But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. -% -Have you heard of the lady named Cox -Who had a capacious old box? - When her lover was in place - She said, "Please turn your face. -I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." -% -Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham -And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? - How they lift the frock - And tickle the cock -Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? -% -He hated to mend, so young Ned -Called in a cute neighbor instead. - Her husband said, "Vi, - When you stitched his torn fly, -Did you have to bite off the thread?" -% -He hated to mend, so young Ned -Called in a cute neighbor instead. - Her husband said, "Vi, - When you stitched up his torn fly, -Did you have to bite off the thread?" -% -He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy -Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. - Then his gargantuan pole in - Her pink, tight, and swollen -Young cunt just about drove her crazy. -% -Her brother, a bastard named Ben, -Could rotate his pecker, and then - He would shoot through his rear - Which made him dear -Of the girls, and the envy of men. -% -Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, -Had morals the city might soften. - So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, - Are you living in sin?" -Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." -% -His shy bride admitted to Crandall -That for years she'd worked off with a candle, - But a cock like his dick - Gave her ten times the kick, -Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! -% -I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing -Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" - I replied, "Simple shagging - Without any wagging -Is only for screwing canoeing." -% -I met a young man in Chungking -Who had a very long thing -- - But you'll guess my surprise - When I found that its size -Just measured a third-finger ring! -% -I never had Miss Defauw, -But it wouldn't have been quite so raw - If she'd only said "No" - When I wanted her so; -But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" -% -I once had the wife of a Dean -Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. - She remarked with some gaiety, - "Not bad for the laiety, -Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." -% -I once met a lassie named Ruth -In a long distance telephone booth. - Now I know the perfection - Of an ideal connection -Even if somewhat uncouth. -% -I once was annoyed by a queer -Who made his intentions quite clear. - Said I, "I'm no prude, - So don't think me rude, -But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." -% -I wish that my room had a floor; -I don't so much care for a door, - But this walking around - Without touching the ground -Is getting to be quite a bore! - -- Gelett Burgess -% -I wonder what my wife will want tonight; -Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? - I wonder can she tell - That I've been raising hell; -Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? - -My wife is just as nice as can be, -I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. - For an afternoon of joy, - Is hell on the old boy, -I wonder what the wife will want tonight! -% -I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, -I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. - She said it was crude - To be wooed in the nude-- -I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her! -% -I would like to say, Mister Bunce, -I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. - And in all my lewd life - I've met none like your wife, -So why leave her to me, you big dunce? -% -I'd rather have fingers than toes, -I'd rather have ears than a nose, - And a happy erection - Brought just to perfection -Makes me terribly sad when it goes. -% -If continence causes neurosis -And intercourse causes thrombosis - I'd rather expire - Fulfilling desire -Than live in a state of psychosis. -% -If you're speaking of actions immoral -The how about giving the laurel - To doughty Queen Esther, - No three men could best her -- -One fore, and one aft, and one oral. -% -If your thesis is utterly vacuous, -Employ first-order predicate calculus. - With sufficient formality, - The sheerest banality, -Will be hailed by all as miraculous! -% -Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse -D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; - Il la mene chaque soir - A son caveau noir -Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, -Qui n'avait que peu de religion. - Il dit:"quant a' moi, - Je deteste tous les trois, -Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" -% -Il y avait un plombier, Francois, -Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. - Dit-elle, "Arretez! - J'entends quelqu'un venait." -Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." -% -Il y avait une madame de Lahore -Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, - Mais la vagine tres forte, - Toujours ouverte la porte, -Encore, et encore, et encore. -% -In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, -Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, - But this lubricant lapse - Isn't noticed, perhaps -Because nobody does in Duluth. -% -In my sweet little Alice Blue gown -Was the first time I ever laid down, - I was both proud and shy - As he opened his fly -And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. - -Oh it hung almost down to the ground, -As it went in I made not a sound, - The more that he shoved it - The more that I loved it, -As he came on my Alice Blue gown. -% -In my sweet little night gown of blue, -On the first night that I slept with you, - I was both shy and scared - As the bed was prepared, -And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. - -As we both watched the break of day, -And in peaceful submission I lay, - You said you adored it - But dammit, you tore it, -My sweet little night gown of blue. -% -In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, -Complacently stroking his madam, - And loud was his mirth - For on all of the earth -There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. -% -In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, -Massaging the bust of his madam, - He chuckled with mirth, - For he knew that on earth, -There were only two boobs and he had 'em. -% -In the case of a lady named Frost, -Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, - It's the best part of valor - To bugger the gal, or -You're apt to fall in and get lost. -% -In the little French town of Le'Beau, -Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. - At a masquerade ball, - Clad in nothing at all, -She backed in as a Parker house roll. -% -It always delights me at Hank's -To walk up the old river banks. - One time in the grass - I stepped on an ass, -And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." -% -It had snowed, and the man in the drift, -Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" - They sat in her Bentley, - She fondled him gently, -And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! -% -It takes little strain and no art -To bang out an echoing fart. - The reaction is hearty - When you fart at a party, -But the sensitive persons depart. -% -Love letters no longer they write us, -To their homes they so seldom invite us. - It grieves me to say, - They have learned with dismay, -We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. -% -Marlene wanted Joy to relent, -She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. - If you want to get laid, - Then we'll have to tribade!" -(But Joy didn't know what she meant.) -% -McCoy's a seducer galore, -And of virgins he has quite a score. - He tells them, "My dear, - You're the Final Frontier, -Where man never has gone before." -% -Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; -Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. - When he's under the weather - They can't get together, -So others get into her box. -% -My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. -I simply can't fuck any more; - I'm covered with sweat, - And you haven't come yet, -And my God, it's a quarter to four! - -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint -% -Oden the bardling averred -His muse was the bum of a bird, - And his Lesbian wife - Would finger his fife -While Fisherwood waited as third. -% -Of his face she thought not very much, -But then, at the very first touch, - Her attitude shifted -- - He was terribly gifted -At frigging and fucking and such. -% -Oh pity the prince, Montezuma -He tried to make love to a puma. - Seems the puma, in play, - Tore his testes away -- -An example of animal huma. -% -Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! -Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, - The poor wench doth stammer, - "I need a sledgehammer -To pound a man into my vent." -% -On a cannibal isle near Malaysia -Lives a lady they call Anastasia. - Not russian elite- - She's eager to eat -Whatever or whoever lays her. -% -On a ship wrecked far out at sea, -The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." - "Aha!" said the mate, - "That settles the fate -Of the captain, the pilot, and me." -% -On day a Monterey daughter -Did scuba down under the water. - She later turned up - The mom of a pup, -And they say t'was a otter that gotter. -% -On the breasts of a harlot from Yale -Was tattooed the price of her tail - And on her behind, - For the sake of the blind, -Was the same information in Braille. -% -On the porch of a dude named Horatio, -His girl got a yen for fellatio. - As she sucked on his dingus - He tried cunnilingus -But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. -% -Once a young gay from Khartoum -Took a lesbian up to his room. - They argued all night - Over who had the right -To do what, and with which, and to whom. -% -Once was a hooker named Gail, -Busted and sent-off to jail, - She liked the jailer, - He wanted to nail her, -So Gail made bail with her tail. -% -One evening a guru had coitus -With an actress, a whore and a poetess. - When asked what position - He used for coition, -He answered serenely, "the loetus." -% -One evening a guru had coitus -With an actress, a whore and a poetess. - When asked what position - He used for coition, -He answered serenely, "the lotus." -% -One night a girl had an affair -With a fellow all covered with hair. - His enormous red whang - Gave her a wonderful bang -- -She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. -% -One night a girl had an affair -With a fellow all covered with hair. - Then she picked up his hat - And realized that -She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. -% -Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, -Has invented a new kind of car. - With a tank full of shit - There's no stopping it -- -For short trips, two poots take you far. -% -Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis -Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. - At her first sight of one - She started to run, -And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. -% -Pour guerir un acces de fievre -Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; - Il le prit a son trou, - Et fit faire un ragout -Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Said Einstein, "I have an equation -Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: - Let V be virginity - Approaching infinity; -Let P be a constant persuasion; - -"Let V over P be inverted -With the square root of Mu inserted - N times into V ... - The result, Q.E.D., -Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. -% -Said Einstein, "I have an equation -Which to some may seem rabelaisian: - Let _V be virginity - Approaching infinity; -Let _P be a constant persuasion; - -"Let _V over _P be inverted -With the square root of _M_u inserted - _N times into _V ... - The result, Q.E.D., -Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. -% -Said Francesca, "My lack of volition -Is leading me straight to perdition; - But I haven't the strength - To go to the length -Of making an act of contrition." - -- Edward Gorey -% -Said President Jobcock one day : -"War's better than love, I should say. - Instead of a virgin, - It's murder I'm urgin'-- -You get lots more blood that-a-way." -% -Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, -"The men like to spread my two legs, - Then slip in between, - If you know what I mean, -And leave me the white of their eggs." -% -Said a decadent wench of Bombay : -"This has been a most wonderful day. - Three cherry tarts, - At least twenty farts, -Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." -% -Said a girl who upon her divan -Was attacked by a virile young man: - "Such excess of passion - Is quite out of fashion" -And she fractured his wrist with her fan. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : -"What care I for this shortage of gum? - My favorite chew - Is a condom or two, -With a goodly amount of fresh come." -% -Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, -"My favorite sport is coitus." - But a fullback from State, - Made her period late, -And now she has athlete's fetus. -% -Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, -When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, - "You must seize it, and squeeze it, - And tease it, and please it, -For Rome wasn't built in a day." -% -Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; -Of all the girls that I've had, - None gave me the thrill - Of real rapture until -I learned how to be a tribade." -% -Said a madam named Mamie La Farge -To a sailor just off of a barge, - "We have one girl that's dead, - With a hole in her head-- -Of course there's a slight extra charge." -% -Said a modest young miss to de Sade, -I'm simply too shy and afraid - To take part in your pranks. - But to show you my thanks, -I'd just love to become your first aide. -% -Said a pornographistic young poet -"Although I perhaps do not show it, - My interest in sin - Is wearing quite thin, -And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." -% -Said a swinging young chick named Lyth -Whose virtue was largely a myth, - "Try as hard as I can, - I can't find a man -That it's fun to be virtuous with." -% -Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : -"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." - Uhura said, "No, - At night that's not so-- -He doesn't withdraw for an hour." -% -Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : -"Only infidel dogs put it in. - Back home in Arabia - We nibble the labia -Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." -% -Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, -"Young man, do you fart when you pee?" - I replied with some wit, - "Do you belch when you shit?" -I think that was one up for me. -% -Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, -In a cunt halfway up to his ears : - "This nautch is delicious, - And without doubt nutritious. -She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" -% -Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, -"This must be our final adieu, - For the vicar is slicker, - And thicker, and quicker, -And two inches longer than you." -% -Saint Peter was once heard to boast -That he'd had all the heavenly host : - The Father and Son, - And then - just for fun - -The hole in the Holy Ghost. -% -Says an airlining wanton named Vi: -"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. - To a muffer's delight, - I'll take head on a flight, -So the guy can have pie in the sky." -% -She begged and she pleaded for more. -I said, "We've already had four, - And I'm sure that you've heard, - Though it's somewhat absurd, -That eros spelt backwards is sore." -% -She made a thing of soft leather, -And topped off the end with a feather. - When she poked it inside her - She took off like a glider, -And gave up her lover forever. -% -She stood there and peeled off her clothes, -And begged for a bang : goodness knows - I am surely impure - And I sizzled to scrure, -But the push had gone out of my hose. -% -She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, -When the chain on her motorcycle broke, - Now she's lying in the grass, - With the muffler up her ass, -And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. -% -She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." -Not because, when she came in, he kr., - But she knew, just before - She opened the door, -This same Mr. had kr. sr. -% -She wasn't what one could call pretty -And other girls offered her pity, - So nobody guessed - That her Wasserman test -Involved half the men in the city. -% -Sighed a neat little package named Annie : -"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, - Plus the yen, but the men - Only call now and then-- -Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" -% -So here was this fellow of Strensall -Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, - Anemic, 'tis true, - But an interesting screw, -Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. -% -Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, -She obliges all who accost her. - She welcomes the prick - Of Tom, Harry or Dick, -Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. -% -That Harvard don down at El Djim -- -Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, - With the whole harem randy, - The sheik himself handy, -To muss up a young camel's quim. -% -That naughty old Sappho of Greece -Said: "What I prefer to a piece - Is to have my pudenda - Rubbed hard by the enda -The little pink nose of my niece." -% -The Dowager Duchess of Spout -Collapsed at the height of a rout; - She found strength to say - As they bore her away: -"I should never have taken the trout." - -- Edward Gorey -% -The Enterprise crew when off work -Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. - Uhura the Zulu - Is shacked up with Sulu, -And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. -% -The Enterprise girls, so one hears, -Have chased Spock for several years. - His look of disdain - Has spared them great pain, -For his prick is as sharp as his ears. -% -The Grecians were famed for fine art, -And buildings and stonework so smart. - They distinguished with poise - The men from the boys, -And used crowbars to keep them apart. -% -The King named Oedipus Rex -Who started this fuss about sex - Put the world to great pains - By the spots and the stains -Which he made on his mother's pubex. -% -The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard -To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, - And cried, "Oh, my dear, - I am coming, I fear, -But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." -% -The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher -Called a girl a most elegant creature. - So she laid on her back - And, exposing her crack, -Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" -% -The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher -Called a hen a most elegant creature. - The hen, pleased with that, - Laid an egg in his hat -- -And thus did the hen reward Beecher. - -- Oliver Wendell Holmes -% -The Shah of the Empire of Persia -Lay for days in a sexual merger. - When the nautch asked the Shah, - "Won't you ever withdraw?" -He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." -% -The Sultan was peeved with his harem, -And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. - He caught a big mouse - Which he loosed in the house. -(Such confusion is called harem-scarem). -% -The acrobats - Tom and Louise- -Do an act in the nude on their knees. - They crawl down the aisle - While screwing dog-style, -As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." -% -The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, -Fell into the water baptismal; - Ere they'd gathered its plight, - It had sunk out of sight, -For the depth of the font was abysmal. - -- Edward Gorey -% -The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : -They have kept me awake for a week. - Why do newlyweds - Select squeaky beds -To develop their fucking technique? -% -The bishop of Alexandretta -Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. - So he thought he'd enshrine her - As the Holy Vagina -In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. -% -The bustard's a remarkable fowl -With surely no reason to growl - He escapes what would be - Illegitimacy -By the grace of a fortunate vowel. -% -The cruelest of creatures' the crab -With claws that can pinch you or stab, - And then when you dine - On crab and white wine -It gets you as well with the tab. -% -The fearless old bishop of Brest -Put his faith in the Lord to the test. - He fucked whores in the apse - With chancres and claps, -But first they were sprinkled and blessed. -% -The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley -Came to light with its face in its belly; - Her second was born - With a hump and a horn, -And her third was as shapeless as jelly. - -- Edward Gorey -% -The genital area of Ann -Will accommodate any size man, - From the wee that cause titters - To the mighty twat-splitters -That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. -% -The kings of Peru were the Incas, -Who were known far and wide as great drincas. - They worshipped the sun - And had lots of fun, -But the peasants all thought they were stincas. -% -The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- -No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. - Where ten thousand virgins - Succumbed to his urgin's -There now stands the great State of Utah. -% -The latest reports from Good Hope -State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, - And fuck high, wide, and free, - From the top of one tree -To the top of the next -- what a scope! -% -The limerick is furtive and mean; -You must keep her in close quarantine, - Or she sneaks to the slums - And promptly becomes -Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. - -- Morris Bishop -% -The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, -Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. - Once Congress in session, - Declared its suppression, -But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. -% -The moyel who treated young Alec -Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. - Presented the child - His aim was so wild -He rendered the poor boy biphallic. -% -The new cinematic emporium -Is not just a super-sensorium, - But a highly effectual - Heterosexual -Mutual masturbatorium. -% -The new local cinematorium -Is not only a super sensorium, - But a highly effectual - Heterosexual -Mutual masturbatorium. -% -The nipples of Sarah Sarong -When excited are twelve inches long - This embarrassed her lover - Who was pained to discover -She expected no less of his dong -% -The notorious Duchess of Peels -Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. - Said she, "Would you mind? -- - Shove one up my behind. -I am anxious to know how it feels." -% -The office brown-noser named Bunky -Would claim he was nobody's flunky. - But when the chips were all down, - His proboscis was brown, -And there hung many strands which were gunky. -% -The old archeologist, Throstle, -Discovered a marvelous fossil. - He knew from its bend - And the knot on the end, -T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. -% -The once was a man from Bombay -Who modeled his cunts out of clay - So hot was his prick - That he turned them to brick -And rubbed all his foreskin away. -% -The partition of Vavasour Scowles -Was a sickener: they came on his bowels - In a firkin; his brain - Was found clogging a drain, -And his toes were inside of some towels. - -- Edward Gorey -% -The prick of the engineer, Scott, -Fell off from Saturnian rot. - He went to the basement - And made a replacement -Of tungsten and plastic and snot. -% -The randy old Bey of Algiers -Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, - Tried a cunt for a change, - And remarked : "It felt strange ... -Just think what I've missed all these years!" -% -The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray -At breakfast with horrid dismay, - So he launched off the spoons - The pits from his prunes -At their heads as they neared the buffet. - -- Edward Gorey -% -The skater, Barbara Ann Scott -Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, - That when posed on her toes - She elaborately shows -Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. -% -The spouse of a pretty young thing -Came home from the wars in the spring. - He was lame but he came - With his dame like a flame -- -A discharge is a wonderful thing. -% -The star of that X-rated hit -Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. - This serves as a palace - For each turgid phallus-- -Some say that the plot is pure shit. -% -The wife of young Richard of Limerick -Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, - Still grows in diameter - Each time that you ram at her; -How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" -% -The woman who lives on the moon -Is still cherishing the balloon - Of an earthling who'd come - And given her some, -But had dribbled away all too soon. -% -The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter -Is not merely reading a meter. - By orders of Kirk - A part of his work -Is dosing the food with saltpeter. -% -The world is so full of a number of things, -I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. - I'll tell you a story-- - It won't take me long-- -Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. - -There was an old fellow and what do you think? -He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. - He whacked it, he hacked it, - He ate it with glee- -Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? - -This charming old chap had a sister as well : -She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. - Her cunt was so dirty - It stank like a beast, -And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. - -What a wonderful family! What marvellous style! -I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. - Their odor and diet - Won't soon be forgotten, -And one day you and I may be equally rotten. -% -There a young man from the Coast -Who had an affair with a ghost. - At the height of orgasm - Said the pallid phantasm, -"I think I can feel it -- almost!" -% -There are some things we mustn't expose, -So we hide them away in our clothes. - Oh, it's shocking to stare - At what's certainly there-- -But why this is so, heaven knows. -% -There is a young faggot named Mose -Who insists that you fuck his long nose. - And you'll double the joy - Of this lecherous boy -If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. -% -There is a young lady named Aird, -Whose bottom is always kept bared. - When asked why she pouts, - She says "The Boy Scouts, -All beg me to please Be Prepared!" -% -There once was a Duchess of Beever -Who slept with her golden retriever. - Said the potted old Duke : - "Such tricks make me puke! -Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." -% -There once was a Duchess of Bruges -Whose cunt was incredibly huge. - Said the king to this dame - As he thunderously came: -"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" -% -There once was a Scot named McAmeter -With a tool of prodigious diameter. - It was not the size - That cause such surprise; -'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. -% -There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, -Discovered his sex life was hapless: - The more he would screw - The more he'd want to, -And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. -% -There once was a Usenetter named Mark, -Whose gender was kept in the dark. - He/she/it said with a nod, - "My ancestors were odd!" -Did Noah need two for the ark? -% -There once was a bishop from Birmingham -Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. - As they knelt on the hassock - He lifted his cassock -And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. -% -There once was a boy named Carruthers -Who was busily fucking his mother - "I know it's a sin," - He said, shoving it in, -"But it's better than blowing my brother." -% -There once was a chick named Longet, -Who went out to Aspen to play. - Along came a Spyder, - Who sat down beside her -And she blew the poor bastard away. -% -There once was a clergyman's daughter -Who detested the pony he bought her, - Till she found that its dong - Was as hard and as long -As the prayers her father had taught her. - -She married a fellow named Tony -Who soon found her fucking the pony. - Said he, "What's it got, - My dear, that I've not?" -Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." -% -There once was a couple named Kelley, -Who lived their life belly to belly. - Because in their haste - They used Library Paste, -Instead of Petroleum Jelly. -% -There once was a couple named Kelley, -Who lived their life belly to belly. - Because in their haste - They used library paste, -Instead of petroleum jelly. -% -There once was a couple named Kelly -Who walked around belly-to-belly. - It seems in their haste, - They used Carter's paste -Instead of petroleum jelly. -% -There once was a dentist named Stone -Who saw all his patients alone. - In a fit of depravity - He filled the wrong cavity, -And my, how his practice has grown! -% -There once was a fairy named Avers -Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. - Though buggers all claimed - That their asses were maimed, -Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. -% -There once was a feisty young terrier -Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. - He'd yip and he'd yap, - Then leap up and snap; -And the fairer the derriere the merrier. -% -There once was a fellow named Bob -Who in sexual ways was a snob. - One day he was swimmin' - With twelve naked women -And deserted them all for a gob. -% -There once was a fellow named Brewster -Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, - "It used to be grand - But look at my hand -You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." -% -There once was a fellow named Howard, -Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, - While grabbing some ass, - He reached critical mass, -But think of the girl he deflowered! -% -There once was a fellow named Potts -Who was prone to having the trots - But his humble abode - Was without a commode -So his carpet was covered with spots. -% -There once was a fellow named Siegel -Who attempted to bugger a beagle, - But the mettlesome bitch - Turned and said with a twitch, -"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." -% -There once was a fellow named Sweeney -Who spilled gin all over his weenie. - Not being uncouth, - He added vermouth -And slipped his amour a martini. -% -There once was a fencer named Fisk, -Whose speed was incredibly brisk. - So fast was his action, - The Fitzgerald contraction, -Foreshortended his foil to a disk. -% -There once was a fiesty young terrier -Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. - He'd yip and he'd yap, - Then leap up and snap; -And the fairer the derriere the merrier. -% -There once was a floozie named Annie -Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: - A buck for a fuck, - Fifty cents for a suck, -And a dime for a feel of her fanny. -% -There once was a freshman named Lin, -Whose tool was as thin as a pin, - A virgin named Joan - From a bible belt home, -Said "This won't be much of a sin." -% -There once was a gangster named Brown -- the sneakiest bastard in town. - He was caught by G-men - Shooting his semen -Where the cops would slip and fall down. -% -There once was a gaucho named Bruno, -Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, - Sheep are just fine, - Chickens, divine, -But iguanas are Numero Uno." -% -There once was a gay young Parisian -Who screwed an appendix incision, - And the girl of his choice - Could hardly rejoice -At the horrible lack of precision. -% -There once was a girl from Cornell -Whose teats were shaped like a bell. - When you touched them they shrunk, - Except when she was drunk, -And then they got bigger than hell. -% -There once was a girl from Decatur, -Who got laid by a big alligator. - Now nobody knew - The result of that screw, -'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. -% -There once was a girl from Madras -Who had such a beautiful ass - - It was not round and pink - (As you bastards think) -But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. -% -There once was a girl from Spokane, -Went to bed with a one-legged man. - She said, "I know you-- - You've really got two! -Why didn't you say so when we began?" -% -There once was a girl named Irene -Who lived on distilled kerosene - But she started absorbin' - A new hydrocarbon -And since then has never benzene. -% -There once was a girl named Louise -Who cunt hair hung down to her knees - The crabs in her twat - Tied the hairs in a knot -And constructed a flying trapeze -% -There once was a girl named Mcgoffin -Who was diddled amazingly often. - She was rogered by scores - Who'd been turned down by whores, -And was finally screwed in her coffin. -% -There once was a girl named Priscilla -Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. - The taste was so fine - Man and beast stood in line -(Including a stud armadilla). -% -There once was a girl so lovely, -Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, - She strapped on her tanks, - And started her pranks, -But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. -% -There once was a golfer named Leer, -Who got put in the clink for a year, - For an action obscene, - On the very first green. -Where the sign said "Enter course here." -% -There once was a gouty old colonel -Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, - And he cried in his tiffin - For his prick wouldn't stiffen, -And the size of the thing was infernal. -% -There once was a guardsman from Buckingham -Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. - But when I meet boys, - God! how I enjoys -Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." -% -There once was a hacker named Ken -Who inherited truckloads of Yen. - So he built him some chicks, - Of silicon chips, -And hasn't been heard from since then. -% -There once was a handsome young seaman -Who with ladies was really a demon. - In peace or in war, - At sea or on shore, -He could certainly dish out the semen. -% -There once was a horny old bitch -With a motorized self-frigger which - She would use with delight - All day long and all night - -Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. -% -There once was a horse named Lily -Whose dingus was really a dilly. - It was vaginoid duply, - And labial quadruply -- -In fact, he was really a filly. -% -There once was a husky young Viking -Whose sexual prowess was striking. - Every time he got hot - He would scour the twat -Of some girl that might be to his liking. -% -There once was a jolly old bloke -Who picked up a girl for a poke. - He took down her pants, - Fucked her into a trance, -And then shit into her shoe for a joke. -% -There once was a kiddie named Carr -Caught a man on top of his mar. - As he saw him stick 'er, - He said with a snicker, -"You do it much faster than par." -% -There once was a lady from Exeter, -So pretty that men craned their necks at her. - One was even so brave - As to take out and wave -The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. -% -There once was a lady from Kansas -Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. - It was nine inches deep - And the sides were quite steep -- -It had whiskers like General Carranza's. -% -There once was a lady named Carter, -Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. - She stripped off his pants, - At his prick quickly glanced, -And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" -% -There once was a lady named Clair, -Who posessed a magnificent pair. - Or that's what I thought, - Till I saw one get caught, -On a thorn and begin losing air. -% -There once was a lady named Myrtle -Who had an affair with a turtle. - She had crabs, so they say, - In a year and a day -Which proved that that turtle was fertile. -% -There once was a lawyer named Rex -With minuscule organs of sex. - Arraigned for exposure, - He maintained with composure, -"De minimis non curat lex." - - [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] -% -There once was a lifeguard named Lee -Who rescued a girl from the sea - She asked how to pay, - And he said "Try this way, -Go down for the third time on me." -% -There once was a maid from Mobile -Whose cunt was made of blue steel. - She only got thrills - From pneumatic drills -And an off-centered emery wheel. -% -There once was a man from Bombay -He would do it all night and all day - He soon became sore - You shoulda' heard him roar -When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! -% -There once was a man from Calcutta -Who used to beat off in the gutta - The heat of the sun - Affected his gun -And turned all his cream into butta! -% -There once was a man from Dunoon, -Who always ate soup with a fork. - He said "When I eat - Either fish, foul or flesh, -I otherwise finish too quick." -% -There once was a man from Exameter -Who had a prodigious diameter - But it wasn't the size - That brought forth the cries -'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. -% -There once was a man from Madras, -Whose balls were made out of brass. - When they clanged together, - They played "Stormy Weather", -And lightning shot out of his ass. -% -There once was a man from Nantee -Who buggered an ape in a tree. - The results were most horrid - All ass and no forehead -Three balls and a purple goatee. -% -There once was a man from Nantucket -Who kept all his cash in a bucket. - His daughter, named Nan, - Ran away with a man, -And as for the bucket, Nantucket. - -The pair of them went to Manhasset, -(Nan and the man with the asset.) - Pa followed them there, - But they left in a tear, -And as for the asset, Manhasset. - -Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, -(Nan and the man with the bucket.) - Pa said to the man, - "You're welcome to Nan." -But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. -% -There once was a man from Nantucket -Whose dick was so long he could suck it. - He said with a grin - As he wiped off his chin, -"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" -% -There once was a man from Racine, -Who invented a screwing machine. - Both concave and convex, - It could please either sex, -But, oh, what a bastard to clean! -% -There once was a man from Sandem -Who was making his girl on a tandem. - At the peak of the make - She jammed on the brake -And scattered his semen at random. -% -There once was a man from Sydney -Who could put it up to her kidney. - But the man from Quebec - Put it up to her neck; -He had a big one, now didn't he? -% -There once was a man named Eugene -Who invented a screwing machine - Concave and convex - It served either sex -And it played with itself in between. -% -There once was a man named Lodge, -who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - When his date was strapped in, - He committed a sin, -without ever leaving the garage. -% -There once was a man named McGruder, -Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. - But the girl thought it crude, - To be wooed in the nude, -So McGru took an oar and subduder. -% -There once was a man named McSweeny -Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. - Just to be couth, - He added vermouth, -And slipped his girlfriend a martini. -% -There once was a man named Parridge -With peculiar views on marriage. - He sucked off his brother, - Fucked his own mother, -And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. -% -There once was a man with a hernia -Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, - When you work on my middle - Be sure you don't fiddle -With things that do not concern ya." -% -There once was a member of Mensa -Who was a most excellent fencer. - The sword that he used - Was his -- (line is refused, -And has now been removed by the censor). -% -There once was a miner named Dave, -Who kept a dead whore in his cave. - She was ugly as shit, - And missing one tit, -But think of the money he saves. -% -There once was a monk of Camyre -Who was seized with a carnal desire - And the primary cause - Was the abbess's drawers -Which were hung up to dry by the fire. -% -There once was a newspaper vendor, -A person of dubious gender. - He would charge one-and-two - For permission to view -His remarkable double pudenda. -% -There once was a plumber from Leigh, -Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, - Said she, "Please stop plumbing, - I think someone's coming!" -Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." -% -There once was a pretty young Mrs. -Whose tearful but short story thrs. - Her mind lost its grasp - - Now she thinks she's an asp -And just sits in the corner and hrs. -% -There once was a queen of Bulgaria -Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, - Till a prince from Peru - Who came up for a screw -Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. -% -There once was a reverend at Kings -Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. - But his heart was on fire - For a boy in the choir -Whose buns were like jelly on springs. -% -There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel -Who said, "They can all go to hell! - What they do to my wife -- - Why it ruins my life; -And the worst is they all do it well." -% -There once was a sailor named Gasted, -A swell guy, as long as he lasted, - He could jerk himself off - In a basket, aloft, -Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. -% -There once was a son-of-a-bitch, -Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, - Yet the girls he would dazzle, - And fuck to a frazzle, -And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! -% -There once was a spaceman named Spock -Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. - A girl from Missouri - Whose name was Uhura -Just fainted away from the shock. -% -There once was a whore from Regina -Who had a stupendous vagina. - To save herself time, - She had six at a time, -And another one working behind her. -% -There once was a woman from Arden -Who sucked off a man in a garden. - He said, "My dear Flo, - Where does all that stuff go?" -And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" -% -There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield -Engaged to look after the deacon's field, - But he lurked in the ditches - And diddled the bitches -Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. -% -There once was a young fellow named Blaine, -And he screwed some disgusting old jane. - She was ugly and smelly, - With an awful pot-belly, -But... well, they were caught in the rain. -% -There once was a young girl from Natches -Who chanced to be born with two snatches - She often said, "Shit! - I'd give either tit -For a guy with equipment that matches." -% -There once was a young man from Boston -Who drove around town in an Austin, - There was room for his ass, - And a gallon of gas, -So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. -% -There once was a young man from France -Who waited ten years for his chance; -Then he muffed it... -% -There once was a young man from Yuma -Who attempted sex with a puma - He gave up real quick - Minus nose, toes, and prick -In obvious pain and ill huma. -% -There once was a young man from Yuma, -Who told an elephant joke to a puma. - Now his dry bleached bones lie, - Under hot Asian skies, -'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. -% -There once was a young man named Clyde -Who fell in an outhouse, and died. - He had a twin brother - Who fell in another -And now they're interred side by side. -% -There once was a young man named Gene, -Who invented a screwing machine. - Concave and convex, - It served either sex, -And it played with itself inbetween. -% -There once was a young man named Lancelot -Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot - For when he should pass - A desirable lass -The front of his pants would advance a lot. -% -There once was an Arpanet freak, -Who better response-time did seek. - He searched coast to coast, - For a reliable host, -Whose logger took less than a week. -% -There once was an old man from Esser, -Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. - It at last grew so small, - He knew nothing at all, -And now he's a College Professor. -% -There once were two brothers named Luntz -Who buggered each other at once. - When asked to account - For this intricate mount, -They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." -% -There once were two women from Birmingham. -And this is the story concerning 'em. - They lifted the frock - And fondled the cock -Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. -% -There was a bluestocking in Florence -Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, - Till a Spanish grandee, - Got her off with his knee, -And she burned all her works with abhorrence. -% -There was a family named Doe, -An ideal family to know. - As father screwed mother, - She said, "You're heavier than brother." -And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" -% -There was a fat lady of China -Who'd a really enormous vagina, - And when she was dead - They painted it red, -And used it for docking a liner. -% -There was a fat man from Rangoon -Whose prick was much like a ballon. - He tried hard to ride her - And when finally inside her -She thought she was pregnant too soon. -% -There was a gay countess of Bray, -And you may think it odd when I say, - That in spite of high station, - Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. -% -There was a gay dog from Ontario -Who fancied himself a Lothario. - At a wench's glance - He'd snatch off his pants -And make for her Mons Venerio. -% -There was a gay parson of Norton -Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. - To make up for this loss, - He had balls like a horse, -And never spent less than a quartern. -% -There was a gay parson of Tooting -Whose roe he was frequently shooting, - Till he married a lass - With a face like my arse, -And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. -% -There was a girl from Aberystwyth -Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. - The miller's son Jack - Laid her flat on her back -And united the organs they pissed with. -% -There was a lewd fellow named Duff -Who loved to dive deep in the muff. - With his head in a whirl - He said, "Spread it, Pearl; -I cunt get enough of the stuff!" -% -There was a man from Mich. -Who used to wish and wich. - That spring would come - So he could bum -Around and go out fich. -% -There was a pianist named Liszt -Who played with one hand while he pissed, - But as he grew older - His technique grew bolder, -And in concert jacked off with his fist. -% -There was a poor parson from Goring, -Who made a small hole in his flooring, - Fur-lined it all round, - Then laid on the ground, -And declared it was cheaper than whoring. -% -There was a strong man of Drumrig -Who one day did seven times frig. - He buggered three sailors, - Four dogs and two tailors, -And ended by fucking a pig. -% -There was a teenager named Donna -Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." - Two days out of three - She would shoot LSD, -And on weekends she smoked marijuana. -% -There was a young German named Ringer -Who was screwing an opera singer. - Said he with a grin, - "Well, I've sure got it in!" -Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" -% -There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway -Whose screams could be heard for a block away. - Perceiving his error, - The Rabbi in terror -Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" -% -There was a young Scot in Madrid -Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. - When they said, "Are you faint?" - He replied, "No, I ain't, -But I don't feel as good as I did." -% -There was a young belle of old Natchez -Whose garments were always in patchez. - When comment arose - On the state of her clothes -She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." -% -There was a young blade from South Greece -Whose bush did so greatly increase - That before he could shack - He must hunt needle in stack. -'Twas as bad as being obese. -% -There was a young bride of Antigua -Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" - Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! - Why, you've only felt my twot, -My legs and my arse and my figua!" -% -There was a young bride, a Canuck, -Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. - You say that I, maybe, - Can have my first baby-- -Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" -% -There was a young chap in Arabia -Who courted a widow named Fabia. - "Yes, my tongue is as long - As the average man's dong," -He said, licking the lips of her labia. -% -There was a young cook with the art -Of making a delicious tart - With a handful of shit, - Some snot and some spit, -And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. -% -There was a young curate whose brain -Was deranged from the use of cocaine; - He lured a small child - To a copse dark and wild, -Where he beat it to death with his cane. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young damsel named Baker -Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. - He yelled, "My God! what - Do you call this -- a twat? -Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" -% -There was a young dolly named Molly -Who thought that to frig was a folly. - Said she, "Your pee-pee - Means nothing to me, -But I'll do it just to be jolly." -% -There was a young fellow called Clyde -Who fell in an outhouse and died. - He had a twin brother - Who fell in another -So now they're interred side by side. -% -There was a young fellow from Cal., -In bed with a passionate gal. - He leapt from the bed, - To the toilet he sped; -Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" -% -There was a young fellow from Florida -Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. - When they got into bed - He cried, "God strike me dead! -This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" -% -There was a young fellow from Kent -Whose cock was so long that it bent - To save himself trouble - He put it in double -And instead of coming, he went. -% -There was a young fellow from Leeds -Who swallowed a package of seeds. - Great tufts of grass - Sprouted out of his ass -And his balls were all covered with weeds. -% -There was a young fellow from Parma -Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. - Said the damsel demure, - "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, -But I must say you fuck like a farmer." -% -There was a young fellow name Tucker -Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, - Said, "Don't bow out your lips - Like an elephant's hips, -The boys like it best when they pucker." -% -There was a young fellow named Ades -Whose favorite fruit was young maids. - But sheep, nigger boys, whores, - And the knot holes in doors -Were by no means exempt from his raids. -% -There was a young fellow named Babbitt -Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, - But a girl from Johore - Could do it twice more, -Which was just enough extra to crab it. -% -There was a young fellow named Bill, -Who took an atomic pill, - His navel corroded, - His asshole exploded, -And they found his nuts in Brazil. -% -There was a young fellow named Blaine, -And he screwed some disgusting old jane. - She was ugly and smelly - With an awful pot-belly, -But... well, they were caught in the rain. -% -There was a young fellow named Bliss -Whose sex life was strangely amiss, - For even with Venus - His recalcitrant penis -Would never do better than t - h - i - s - . -% -There was a young fellow named Bowen -Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. - It grew so tremendous, - So long and so pendulous, -'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. -% -There was a young fellow named Brewer -Whose girl made her home in a sewer. - Thus he, the poor soul, - Could get into her hole, -And still not be able to screw her! -% -There was a young fellow named Case -Who entered a cunt-lapping race. - He licked his way clean - Through Number thirteen, -But then slipped and got pissed in the face. -% -There was a young fellow named Charteris -Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. - Said she, "I don't mind, - And higher up you'll find -The place where my fucker and farter is." -% -There was a young fellow named Cribbs -Whose cock was so big it had ribs. - They were inches apart, - And to suck it took art, -While to fuck it took forty-two trips. -% -There was a young fellow named Feeney -Whose girl was a terrible meany. - The hatch of her snatch - Had a catch that would latch -- She could only be screwed by Houdini. -% -There was a young fellow named Fletcher, -Was reputed an infamous lecher. - When he'd take on a whore - She'd need a rebore, -And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. -% -There was a young fellow named Fyfe -Whose marriage was ruined for life, - For he had an aversion - To every perversion, -And only liked fucking his wife. - -Well, one year the poor woman struck, -And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, - And said, "Where have you gotten us - With your goddamn monotonous -Fuck after fuck after fuck? - -"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- -And a versatile girl she was, too. - After ten years of whoredom - She perished of boredom -When she married a jackass like you!" -% -There was a young fellow named Gene -Who first picked his asshole quite clean. - He next picked his toes, - And lastly his nose, -And he never did wash in between. -% -There was a young fellow named Gluck -Who found himself shit out of luck. - Though he petted and wooed, - When he tried to get screwed -He found virgins just don't give a fuck. -% -There was a young fellow named Goody -Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? - If he found himself nude - With a gal in the mood -The question's not woody but could he? -% -There was a young fellow named Grant -Who was made like the sensitive plant. - When they asked "Do you fuck?" - He replied, "No such luck. -I would if I could, but I can't." -% -There was a young fellow named Grimes -Who fucked his girl seventeen times - In the course of a week -- - And this isn't to speak -Of assorted venereal crimes. -% -There was a young fellow named Harry, -Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. - He grabbed him a virgin, - Who, without any urgin', -Immediately spread like a fairy. -% -There was a young fellow named Hatch -Who was fond of the music of Bach. - He said: "It's not fussy - Like Brahms and Debussy; -Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." -% -There was a young fellow named Kimble -Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, - But fragile and slender, - And dainty and tender, -So he kept it encased in a thimble. -% -There was a young fellow named Meek -Who invented a lingual technique. - It drove women frantic, - And made them romantic, -And wore all the hair off his cheek. -% -There was a young fellow named Morgan -Who possessed an unusual organ: - The end of his dong, - Which was nine inches long, -Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. -% -There was a young fellow named Paul -Who confessed, "I have only one ball. - But the size of my prick - Is God's dirtiest trick, -For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" -% -There was a young fellow named Pell -Who didn't like cunt very well. - He would finger or fuck one, - But never would suck one-- -He just couldn't get used to the smell. -% -There was a young fellow named Price -Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. - He had virgins and boys - And mechanical toys, -And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! -% -There was a young fellow named Prynne -Whose prick was so short and so thin, - His wife found she needed - A Fuckoscope -- she did -- -To see if he'd gotten it in. -% -There was a young fellow named Skinner -Who took a young lady to dinner - At a quarter to nine, - They sat down to dine, -At twenty to ten it was in her. -The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. - -There was a young fellow named Tupper -Who took a young lady to supper. - At a quarter to nine, - They sat down to dine, -And at twenty to ten it was up her. -Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! -% -There was a young fellow named Sweeney, -Whose girl was a terrible meanie, - The hatch of her snatch, - Had a catch that would latch, -She could only be screwed by Houdini. -% -There was a young fellow named dick -Who had a magnificent prick. - It was shaped like a prism - And shot so much gism -It made every cocksucker sick. -% -There was a young fellow of Burma -Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. - But now that he's married he's - Been using cantharides -And the root of their love is much firmer. -% -There was a young fellow of Greenwich -Whose balls were all covered with spinach. - He had such a tool - It was wound on a spool, -And he reeled it out inich by inich. - -But this tale has an unhappy finich, -For due to the sand in the spinach - His ballocks grew rough - And wrecked his wife's muff, -And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. -% -There was a young fellow of Harrow -Whose john was the size of a marrow. - He said to his tart, - "How's this for a start? -My balls are outside in a barrow." -% -There was a young fellow of Kent -Whose prick was so long that it bent, - So to save himself trouble - He put it in double, -And instead of coming he went. -% -There was a young fellow of Mayence -Who fucked his own arse in defiance - Not only of custom - And morals, dad-bust him, -But of most of the known laws of science. -% -There was a young fellow of Perth -Whose balls were the finest on earth. - They grew to such size - That one won a prize, -And goodness knows what they were worth. -% -There was a young fellow of Strensall -Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. - On the night of his wedding - It went through the bedding, -And shattered the chamber utensil. -% -There was a young fellow of Warwick -Who had reason for feeling euphoric, - For he could by election - Have triune erection: -Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. -% -There was a young fellow whose dong -Was prodigiously massive and long. - On each side of his whang - Two testes did hang -That attracted a curious throng. -% -There was a young gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. - A woman is fine, - And a sheep is divine, -But a llama is Numero Uno." -% -There was a young gaucho named Bruno -Who said, "There is one thing I do know, - Women are fine - And children devine, -But the llama is numero uno." -% -There was a young girl from Annista -Who dated a lecherous mister. - He fondled her titty, - Got one finger shitty, -Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. -% -There was a young girl from Decatur -Who was raped by an alligator. - But no one quite knew - How she relished that screw, -For after he screwed her, he ate her. -% -There was a young girl from Dundee, -From her fanny there grew a plum tree. - No one ate the nice fruit, - To tell you the truth, -Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. -% -There was a young girl from East Lynn -Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) - Had filled up her crack - With hard-setting shellac, -But the boys picked it out with a pin. -% -There was a young girl from Hong Kong -Who said, "You are utterly wrong - To say my vagina - Is the largest in China -Just because of your mean little dong." -% -There was a young girl from Hong Kong -Whose cervical cap was a gong. - She said with a yell, - As a shot rang her bell, -"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" -% -There was a young girl from Medina -Who could completely control her vagina. - She could twist it around - Like the cunts that are found -In Japan, Manchukuo and China. -% -There was a young girl from New York -Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. - A woodpecker or two - Made the grade it is true, -But it totally baffled the stork. - -Till along came a man who presented -A tool that was strangely indented. - With a dizzying twirl - He punctured that girl, -And thus was the cork-screw invented. -% -There was a young girl from New York -Who plugged up her quim with a cork - A woodpecker or two - Made the grade, it is true, -But it totally baffled the stork. -% -There was a young girl from Peru, -Who had nothing whatever to do. - So she sat on the stairs, - And counted cunt hairs, -Four thousand, three hundred and two. -% -There was a young girl from Peru, -Who noticed her lovers were few; - So she walked out her door - With a fig leaf, no more, -And now she's in bed - with the flu. -% -There was a young girl from Samoa -Who pledged that no man would know her. - One young fellow tried, - But she wriggled aside, -And he spilled all his spermatozoa. -% -There was a young girl from Seattle, -Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. - But a bull from the South - Shot a wad in her mouth -That made both her ovaries rattle. -% -There was a young girl from Siam -Who said to her boyfriend Priam, - "To seduce me, of course, - You'll have to use force, -And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. -% -There was a young girl from St. Cyr -Whose reflex reactions were queer. - Her escort said, "Mable, - Get up off the table; -That money's to pay for the beer." -% -There was a young girl from St. Paul -Who went to a newspaper ball. - Her dress caught on fire - And burnt her entire -Front page and sport section and all. -% -There was a young girl from the Bronix -Who had a vagina of onyx. - She had so much `tsoris' - With her clitoris, -She traded it in for a Packard. -% -There was a young girl from the coast -Who, just when she needed it most, - Lost her Kotex and bled - All over the bed, -And the head and the beard of her host. -% -There was a young girl in Berlin -Who eked out a living through sin. - She didn't mind fucking, - But much preferred sucking, -And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. -% -There was a young girl in Berlin -Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. - Though he diddled his best, - And fucked her with zest, -She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" -% -There was a young girl in Dakota -Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: - "In addition to gas - We are rationing ass, -And you've greatly exceeded your quota." -% -There was a young girl name McKnight -Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. - She came to in bed, - With a split maidenhead-- -That's the last time she ever was tight. -% -There was a young girl named Ann Heuser -Who swore that no man could surprise her. - But Pabst took a chance, - Found a Schlitz in her pants, -And now she is sadder Budweiser. -% -There was a young girl named Heather -Whose twitcher was made out of leather. - She made a queer noise, - Which attracted the boys, -By flapping the edges together. -% -There was a young girl named McCall -Whose cunt was exceedingly small, - But the size of her anus - Was something quite heinous -- -It could hold seven pricks and one ball. -% -There was a young girl named O'Clare -Whose body was covered with hair. - It was really quite fun - To probe with one's gun, -For her quimmy might be anywhere. -% -There was a young girl named O'Malley -Who wanted to dance in the ballet. - She got roars of applause - When she kicked off her drawers, -But her hair and her bush didn't tally. -% -There was a young girl named Sapphire -Who succumbed to her lover's desire. - She said, "It's a sin, - But now that it's in, -Could you shove it a few inches higher?" -% -There was a young girl of Aberystwyth -Who screwed every man that she kissed with. - She tickled the balls - Of the men in the halls, -And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. -% -There was a young girl of Aberystwyth -Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. - The miller's sun, Jack, - Laid her flat on her back, -And united the organs they pissed with. -% -There was a young girl of Angina -Who stretched catgut across her vagina. - From the love-making frock - (With the proper sized cock) -Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. -% -There was a young girl of Angina -Who stretched catgut across her vagina. - From the love-making frock - (With the proper sized cock) -Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. -% -There was a young girl of Asturias -With a penchant for practices curious. - She loved to bat rocks - With her gentlemen's cocks -- -A practice both rude and injurious. -% -There was a young girl of Batonger -who diddled herself with a conger, - When asked how it feels - To be pleasured by eels -She said, "Just like a man, only longer. -% -There was a young girl of Cah'lina, -Had a very capricious vagina: - To the shock of the fucker - "Twould suddenly pucker, -And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." -% -There was a young girl of Cape Cod -Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. - But it wasn't Jehovah - That turned the girl over, -'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, - the bugger, the bastard, the sod! -% -There was a young girl of Cape Town -Who usually fucked with a clown. - He taught her the trick - Of sucking his prick, -And when it went up -- she went down. -% -There was a young girl of Coxsaxie -Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. - She was fucked at the show - In the twenty-third row, -And once more going home in the taxi. -% -There was a young girl of Darjeeling -Who could dance with such exquisite feeling - There was never a sound - For miles around -Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. -% -There was a young girl of Des Moines -Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, - Till a guy from Hoboken - Went and dropped in a token, -And now she rides free on the ferry. -% -There was a young girl of Detroit -Who at fucking was very adroit: - She could squeeze her vagina - To a pin-point, or finer, -Or open it out like a quoit. - -And she had a friend named Durand -Whose cock could contract or expand. - He could diddle a midge - Or the arch of a bridge -- -Their performance together was grand! -% -There was a young girl of East Lynne -Whose mother, to save her from sin, - Had filled up her crack, - To the brim with shellac, -But the boys picked it out with a pin. -% -There was a young girl of Gibraltar -Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. - It really seems odd - That a virtuous God -Should answer her prayers and assault her. -% -There was a young girl of LLewellyn -Whose breasts were as big as a melon. - They were big it is true, - But her cunt was big too, -Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view -Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. -% -There was a young girl of Mobile, -Who hymen was made of chilled steel, - To give her a thrill, - Took a rotary drill, -Or a number nine emery wheel. -% -There was a young girl of Moline -Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. - She would work on a prick - With every known trick, -And finish by winking it clean. -% -There was a young girl of Newcastle -Whose charms were declared universal. - While one man in front - Wired into her cunt, -Another was engaged at her arsehole. -% -There was a young girl of Pawtucket -Whose box was as big as a bucket. - Her boy-friend said, "Toots, - I'll have to wear boots, -For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." -% -There was a young girl of Penzance -Who boarded a bus in a trance. - The passengers fucked her, - Likewise the conductor, -While the driver shot off in his pants. -% -There was a young girl of Pitlochry -Who was had by a man in a rockery. - She said, "Oh! You've come - All over my bum; -This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." -% -There was a young girl of Rangoon -Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. - "Well, it has been great fun," - She remarked when he'd done, -"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." -% -There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, -Whose people all thought her a virgin, - Till they found her in bed - With her twat very red, -And the head of a kid just emergin'. -% -There was a young girl who begat -Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. - T'was fun in the breeding - But hell in the feeding -When she found there's no tit for Tat. -% -There was a young girl who begat -Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. - It was fun in the breeding, - But hell in the feeding, -When she found there was no tit for Tat. -% -There was a young girl, very sweet, -Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. - When she sat on their lap - She unbuttoned their flap, -And always had plenty to eat. -% -There was a young harlot from Kew -Who filled her vagina with glue. - She said with a grin, - "If they pay to get in, -They'll pay to get out of it too." -% -There was a young harlot named Schwartz -Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, - And they tickled so nice - She drew a high price -From the studs at the summer resorts. - -Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, -Was seldom hard up for a diddle, - For according to rumor - His tool had a tumor -And a fine row of warts down the middle. -% -There was a young hayseed from Tiffan -Whose cock would constantly stiffen. - The knob out in front - Attracted foul cunt -Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. -% -There was a young idler named Blood, -Made a fortune performing at stud, - With a fifteen-inch peter, - A double-beat metre, -And a load like the Biblical Flood. -% -There was a young lad from Nahant -Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. - When asked, "Do you fuck?" - He replied, "No such luck. -I would if I could but I can't." -% -There was a young lad from Siam, -Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. - He loved them real small, - 'Cause they're funner to ball, -So he went out and bought him a lamb! -% -There was a young lad name of Durcan -Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. - His father said, "Durcan! - Stop jerkin' your gherkin! -Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. -% -There was a young lad name of Ward -Who strung himself up with a cord - Said he, of his work - (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) -"I am leaving because I am bored." - - E.A. Guest -% -There was a young lad named McFee -Who was stung in the balls by a bee - He made oodles of money - By oozing pure honey -Every time he attempted to pee. -% -There was a young lady at sea -Who complained that it hurt her to pee. - Said the brawny old mate, - "That accounts for the state -Of the cook and the captain and me." -% -There was a young lady at sea -Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." - "I see," said the mate, - "That accounts for the state -Of the captain, the purser, and me." -% -There was a young lady called Ciss -Who went to the river to piss. - A young man in a punt - Put his hand on her cunt; -No wonder she thought it was bliss. -% -There was a young lady from Bangor -Who slept while the ship lay at anchor - She woke in dismay - When she heard the mate say: -"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" -% -There was a young lady from Bright, -Whose speed was much faster than light. - She went out one day - In a relative way -And returned on the previous night. -% -There was a young lady from Bristol -Who went to the Palace called Crystal. - Said she, "It's all glass, - And as round as my ass," -And she farted as loud as a pistol. -% -There was a young lady from Brussels -Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. - She could easily plex them - And so interflex them -As to whistle love songs through her bustles. -% -There was a young lady from Drew -Who ended her verse at line two. -% -There was a young lady from Dumfries -Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! - My navel's all bare, - So stick it in there, -Before both my legs and my bum freeze." -% -There was a young lady from Exeter, -So pretty that men craned their necks at her. - One was even so brave - As to take out and wave -The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. -% -There was a young lady from Hyde -Who ate a green apple and died. - While her lover lamented - The apple fermented -And made cider inside her inside. -% -There was a young lady from Maine -Who claimed she had men on her brain. - But you knew from the view, - As her abdomen grew, -It was not on her brain that he'd lain. -% -There was a young lady from Munich -Who had an affair with a eunuch. - At the height of their passion - He dealt her a ration -From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. -% -There was a young lady from Norway -Who hung by her heels in a doorway. - She told her young man, - "Get off the divan, -I think I've discovered one more way " -% -There was a young lady from Prentice -Who had an affair with a dentist. - To make things easier - He used anesthesia, -And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. -% -There was a young lady from Rheims -Who amazingly pissed in four streams. - A friend poked around - And a fly-button found -Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. -% -There was a young lady from Rio -Who slept with the Fornier trio. - As she dropped her panties - She said, "No andanties -I want this allegro con brio." -% -There was a young lady from Siam -Who said to her lover, one Kiam, - "You may kiss me of course, - But you'll have to use force. -Though god knows you're stronger than I am." -% -There was a young lady from Spain -Who demurely undressed on a train. - A helpful young porter - Helped more than he orter, -And she promptly cried "Help me again" -% -There was a young lady from Spain -Who got sick as she rode on a train; - Not once, but again, - And again, and again, -And again, and again, and again. -% -There was a young lady from Spain -Whose face was exceedingly plain, - But her cunt had a pucker - That made the men fuck her, -Again, and again, and again. -% -There was a young lady from Troy -Had a moustache, just like a young boy - Though it tickled to kiss - 'Twas a source of much bliss -When she used it to brush a man's toy. -% -There was a young lady from Wheeling -Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. - But a cynic named Boris - Just touched her clitoris -And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. -% -There was a young lady from Wheeling -Who had a peculiar feeling. - She laid on her back - And tickled her crack -And pissed all over the ceiling. -% -There was a young lady from Wooster -Who complained that too many men gooster. - So she traded her scanties - For sandpaper panties, -Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. -% -There was a young lady in Reno, -Who lost all her dough playing Keno. - But she lay on her back, - And opened her crack, -So now she owns the Casino! -% -There was a young lady named Alice -Who was known to have peed in a chalice. - 'Twas the common belief - It was done for relief, -And not out of protestant malice. -% -There was a young lady named Astor -Who never let any get past her. - She finally got plenty - By stopping twenty, -Which certainly ought to last her. -% -There was a young lady named Banker, -Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, - She woke in dismay, - When she heard the mate say, -"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." -% -There was a young lady named Blount -Who had a rectangular cunt. - She learned for diversion - Posterior perversion, -Since no one could fit here in front. -% -There was a young lady named Bower -Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. - But a poet from Perth - Laid her flat on the earth, -And proceeded with penis to plough her. -% -There was a young lady named Brent -With a cunt of enormous extent, - And so deep and so wide, - The acoustics inside -Were so good you could hear when you spent. -% -There was a young lady named Bright -Who could travel much faster than light. - She took off one day, - In a relative way, -And returned on the previous night. -% -There was a young lady named Brook -Who never could learn how to cook. - But on a divan - She could please any man- -She knew every darn trick in the book! -% -There was a young lady named Cager -Who, as the result of a wager, - Consented to fart - The entire oboe part -Of Mozart's quartet in F major. -% -There was a young lady named Ciss -Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " - But she'll never restate, - For a wheel off her skate -.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM -% -There was a young lady named Clair -Who possessed a magnificent pair; - At least so I thought - Till I saw one get caught -On a thorn, and begin losing air. -% -There was a young lady named Dot -Whose cunt was so terribly hot - That ten bishops of Rome - And the Pope's private gnome -Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. -% -There was a young lady named Duff -With a lovely, luxuriant muff. - In his haste to get in her - One eager beginner -Lost both of his balls in the rough. -% -There was a young lady named Etta -Who was constantly seen in a swetta. - Three reasons she had: - To keep warm wasn't bad, -But the other two reasons were betta. -% -There was a young lady named Fleager -Who was terribly, terribly eager - To be all the rage - On the tragedy stage, -Though her talents were pitifully meagre. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young lady named Flo -Whose lover had pulled out too slow. - So they tried it all night, - Till he got it just right... -Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. -% -There was a young lady named Flynn -Who thought fornication a sin, - But when she was tight - It seemed quite all right, -So everyone filled her with gin. -% -There was a young lady named Gilda -Who went on a date with a builder. - He said that he would, - And he could and he should, -And he did and it damn well near killed her. -% -There was a young lady named Gloria -Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, - And then by six men, - Sir Gerald again, -And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. -% -There was a young lady named Gloria, -Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" - She replied to the chap, - "I'll draw you a map, -Of where others have been to before ya." -% -There was a young lady named Grace -Who would not take a prick in her "place." - Though she'd kiss it and suck it, - She never would fuck it-- -She just couldn't relax face-to-face. -% -There was a young lady named Hall, -Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. - The dress caught on fire - And burned her entire -Front page, sporting section, and all. -% -There was a young lady named Hatch -Who would always come through in a scratch. - If a guy wouldn't neck her, - She'd grab up his pecker -And shove the damn thing up her snatch. -% -There was a young lady named Mable -Who liked to sprawl out on the table, - Then cry to her man, - "Stuff in all you can -- -Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." -% -There was a young lady named Mandel -Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal - By coming out bare - On the main village square -And frigging herself with a candle. -% -There was a young lady named Maud, -A terrible society fraud: - In company, I'm told, - She was distant and cold, -But if you got her alone, Oh God! -% -There was a young lady named May -Who strolled in a park by the way, - And she met a youg man - Who fucked her and ran -- -Now she goes to the park every day. -% -There was a young lady named Nance -Who learned about fucking in France, - And when you'd insert it - She'd squeeze till she hurt it, -And shoved it right back in your pants. -% -There was a young lady named Nelly -Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. - They could tickle her twat - Or be tied in a knot, -And could even swat flies on her belly. -% -There was a young lady named Ransom -Who was raped three times in a hansom - When she cried out for more - Said a voice from the floor, -"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson -% -There was a young lady named Ransom -Who was rogered three times in a hansom. - When she cried out for more - A voice from the floor -Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." -% -There was a young lady named Riddle -Who had an untouchable middle. - She had many friends - Because of her ends, -Since it isn't the middle you diddle. -% -There was a young lady named Rose -Who fainted whenever she chose; - She did so one day - While playing croquet, -But was quickly revived with a hose. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young lady named Rose -With erogenous zones in her toes. - She remained onanistic - Till a foot-fetishistic -Young man became one of her beaux. -% -There was a young lady named Schneider -Who often kept trysts with a spider. - She found a strange bliss, - In the hiss of her piss, -As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. -% -There was a young lady named Smith -Whose virtue was largely a myth. - She said, "Try as I can - I can't find a man -Who it's fun to be virtuous with." -% -There was a young lady named Twiss -Who said she thought fucking a bliss, - For it tickled her bum - And caused her to come -.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW -% -There was a young lady named Wylde -Who kept herself quite undefiled - By thinking of Jesus; - Contagious diseases; -And the bother of having a child. -% -There was a young lady of Arden, -The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. - Said she with a frown, - "I've been sadly let down -By the tool of a fool in a garden." -% -There was a young lady of Bicester -Who was nicer by far than her sister: - The sister would giggle - And wiggle and jiggle, -But this one would come if you kissed her. -% -There was a young lady of Brabant -Who slept with an impotent savant. - She admitted, "We shouldn't, - But it turned out he couldn't- -So you can't say we have when we haven't." -% -There was a young lady of Bude -Who walked down the street in the nude. - A bobby said, "Whattum - Magnificent bottom!" -And slapped it as hard as he could. -% -There was a young lady of Carmia -Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. - At every cold snap - She would climb in your lab, -So her little base burner could warm ya. -% -There was a young lady of Dee -Who went down to the river to pee. - A man in a punt - Put his hand on her cunt, -And God! how I wish it were me. -% -There was a young lady of Dee -Whose hymen was split into three. - And when she was diddled - The middle string fiddled : -"Nearer My God To Thee." -% -There was a young lady of Dexter -Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, - For whenever they'd start - He'd unfailingly fart -With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. -% -There was a young lady of Dover -Whose passion was such that it drove her - To cry, when you came, - "Oh dear! What a shame! -Well, now we shall have to start over." -% -There was a young lady of Ealing -And her lover before her was kneeling. - Said she, "Dearest Jim, - Take your hands off my quim; -I much prefer fucking to feeling." -% -There was a young lady of Fez -Who was known to the public as "Jez." - Jezebel was her name, - Sucking cocks was the game -She excelled at (so everyone says). -% -There was a young lady of Gaza -Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. - The crabs, in a lump, - Made tracks to her rump-- -This passing parade did amaze her. -% -There was a young lady of Gloucester -Whose friends they thought they had lost her - Till they found on the grass - The marks of her arse, -And the knees of the man who had crossed her. -% -There was a young lady of Gloucester, -Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. - She wasn't much hurt, - But he dirtied her skirt, -So think of the anguish it cost her. -% -There was a young lady of Kent, -Who admitted she knew what it meant - When men asked her to dine, - And plied her with wine, -She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! -% -There was a young lady of Lee -Who scrambled up into a tree, - When she got there - Her arsehole was bare, -And so was her C U N T. -% -There was a young lady of Lincoln -Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, - So she had a prick lent her - Which turned it magenta, -This artful old lady of Lincoln. -% -There was a young lady of Natchez -Who chanced to be born with two snatches, - And she often said, "Shit! - Why, I'd give either tit -For a man with equipment that matches." - -There was a young fellow named Locke -Who was born with a two-headed cock. - When he'd fondle the thing - It would rise up and sing -An antiphonal chorus by Bach. - -But whether these two ever met -Has not been recorded as yet, - Still, it would be diverting - To see him inserting -His whang while it sang a duet. -% -There was a young lady of Norway -Who hung by her toes in a doorway. - She said to her beau - "Just look at me, Joe, -I think I've discovered one more way." -% -There was a young lady of Rhyll -In an omnibus was taken ill, - So she called the conductor, - Who got in and fucked her, -Which did more good than a pill. -% -There was a young lady of Spain -Who took down her pants on a train. - There was a young porter - Saw more than he orter, -And asked her to do it again. -% -There was a young lady of Spain -Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. - They did it again - And again and again, -And again and again and again. -% -There was a young lady of Twickenham -Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. - On her knees every day - To God she would pray -To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. -% -There was a young lady of Wheeling -Said to her beau, "I've a feeling - My little brown jug - Has need of a plug" -- -And straightaway she started to peeling. -% -There was a young lady of Wheeling -Who professed to lack sexual feeling. - But a cynic named Boris - Just touched her clitoris, -And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. -% -There was a young lady of fashion -Who had oodles and oodles of passion. - To her lover she said, - As they climbed into bed, -"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" -% -There was a young lady who said, -As her bridegroom got into the bed, - "I'm tired of this stunt, - That they do with one's cunt, -You can get up my bottom instead." -% -There was a young lady whose cunt -Could accommodate a small punt. - Her mother said, "Annie, - It matches your fanny, -Which never was that of a runt." -% -There was a young lady whose thighs, -When spread showed a slit of such size, - And so deep and so wide, - You could play cards inside, -Much to her bridegroom's surprise. -% -There was a young lass from Surat. -The cheeks of her ass were so fat - That they had to be parted - Whenever she farted, -And also whenever she shat. -% -There was a young laundress named Wrangle -Whose tits tilted up at an angle. - "They may tickle my chin," - She said with a grin, -"But at least they keep out of the mangle." -% -There was a young maiden from Osset -Whose quim was nine inches across it. - Said a young man named Tong, - With tool nine inches long, -"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." -% -There was a young man from Bear Ridge -Who had strange ideas about marriage. - He fucked his wife's mother - And sucked off her brother -And ate up her sister's miscarriage. -% -There was a young man from Bel-Air -Who was screwing his girl on the stair, - But the banister broke, - So he doubled his stroke, -And finished her off in mid-air. -% -There was a young man from Bel-Aire -Who was screwing his girl on the stair. - But the banister broke - So he doubled his stroke -And finished her off in mid-air. -% -There was a young man from Bengal -Who claimed he had only one ball, - But two little bitches - Pulled down this man's breeches -And proved he had nothing at all. -% -There was a young man from Biloxi -Whose bowels responded to Moxie. - Drinking glass after glass, - He would tune up his ass, -Till he played like the band at the Roxy. -% -There was a young man from Boston -Who rode around in an Austin. - There was room for his ass - And a gallon of gas, -But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. -% -There was a young man from Calcutta -Who was heard in his beard to mutter, - "If her Bartholin glands - Don't respond to my hands, -I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." -% -There was a young man from Dallas -Who had an exceptional phallus. - He couldn't find room - In any girl's womb -Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. -% -There was a young man from Dundee -Who buggered an ape in a tree. - The results were quite horrid: - All ass and no forehead, -Three balls and a purple goatee. -% -There was a young man from East Lizes -Whose balls were of two different sizes - One was so small - It was no ball at all -The other was large and won prizes. -% -There was a young man from East Wubley -Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. - Each quadruplicate shaft - Had two balls hanging aft, -And the general effect was quite lovely. - -There was a young man from Hong Kong -Who had a trifurcated prong: - A small one for sucking, - A large one for fucking, -And a `boney' for beating a gong. -% -There was a young man from Glengozzle -Who found a remarkable fossil. - He knew by the bend - And the wart on the end, -'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. -% -There was a young man from Jodhpur -Who found he could easily cure - His dread diabetes - By eating a foetus -Served up in a sauce of manure. -% -There was a young man from Kent -Whose tool was so long that it bent. - To save himself trouble - He put it in double -And instead of coming, he went. -% -There was a young man from Lynn -Whose cock was the size of a pin. - Said his girl with a laugh - As she felt his staff, -"This won't be much of a sin." -% -There was a young man from Maine -Whose prick was as strong as a crane; - It was almost as long, - So he strolled with his dong -Extended in sunshine and rain. -% -There was a young man from Nantucket -Whose cock was so long he could suck it. - But he looked in the glass, - And saw his own ass, -And broke his neck trying to fuck it. -% -There was a young man from New Haven -Who had an affair with a raven. - He said with a grin - As he wiped off his chin, -"Nevermore!" -% -There was a young man from Peru, -Who took a long trip by canoe. - While staring at Venus, - And rubbing his penis, -He wound up with a handful of goo. -% -There was a young man from Purdue -Who was only just learning to screw, - But he hadn't the knack, - And he got too far back -- -In the right church, but in the wrong pew. -% -There was a young man from Racine -Who invented a fucking machine. - Concave or convex, - It served either sex, -But oh what a bitch to keep clean. -% -There was a young man from Rangoon -Who used to lament 'neath the moon - That he had the luck - To be born of a fuck -That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. -% -There was a young man from Salinas -Who had an extremely long penis: - Believe it or not, - When he lay on his cot -It reached from Marin to Martinez. -% -There was a young man from Seattle -Whose testicles tended to rattle. - He said as he fuck-ed - Some stones in a bucket, -"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." -% -There was a young man from Siam -Who said, "I go in with a wham, - But I soon lose my starch - Like the mad month of March, -And the lion comes out like a lamb." -% -There was a young man from St. Paul's -Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" - Till he grew such a passion - For feminine fashion -That he knitted a snood for his balls. -% -There was a young man from Stamboul -Who boasted so torrid a tool - That each female crater - Explored by this satyr -Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. -% -There was a young man from Tibet- -And this is the strangest one yet- - Whose tool was so long, - So pointed and strong, -He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". -% -There was a young man in Havana, -Banged his girl on a player-piana. - At the height of their fever - Her ass hit the lever -And: yes, he has no banana. -% -There was a young man in Norway, -Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, - But the air was so frigid - It froze his cock rigid, -And all he could come was frappe. -% -There was a young man in the choir -Whose penis rose higher and higher, - Till it reached such a height - It was quite out of sight -- -But of course you know I'm a liar. -% -There was a young man named Crockett -Whose balls got caught in a socket. - His wife was a bitch, - And she threw the switch, -As Crockett went off like a rocket. -% -There was a young man named Crockett -Whose balls got caught in a socket. - His wife was a bitch, - Yeah, she threw the switch, -And Crockett went off like a rocket. -% -There was a young man named Hughes -Who swore off all kinds of booze. - He said, "When I'm muddled - My senses get fuddled, -And I pass up too many screws." -% -There was a young man named Knute -Who had warts all over his root. - He put acid on these - And now when he pees, -He fingers the thing like a flute. -% -There was a young man named Laplace -Whose balls were made out of spun glass. - When they banged together - They played "Stormy Weather" -And lightning shot out of his ass. -% -There was a young man named McNamiter -With a tool of prodigious diameter. - But it wasn't the size - Gave the girls a surprise, -But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. -% -There was a young man named Rex -Who really was small for his sex. - When tried for exposure - The judge's disclosure -Was "de minimus non curat lex." -% -There was a young man named Zerubbabel -Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. - When they asked if his pleasure - Was only half measure, -He replied, "That is highly improbable." -% -There was a young man named Zerubbabub -Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club - But the pride of his life - Were the tits of his wife -- -One real, and one India-rubber bub. -% -There was a young man of Arras -Who stretched himself out on the grass, - And with no little trouble, - He bent himself double, -And stuck his prick well up his ass. -% -There was a young man of Australia -Who went on a wild bacchanalia. - He buggered a frog, - Two mice and a dog, -And a bishop in fullest regalia. -% -There was a young man of Belgrade -Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. - I will suck, without charge, - Any cock, if it's large. -If it's small, I expect to be paid." -% -There was a young man of Belgrade -Who slept with a girl in the trade. - She said to him, "Jack, - Try the hole in the back; -The front one is badly decayed." -% -There was a young man of Bengal -Who swore he had only one ball, - But two little bitches - Unbuttoned his britches, -And found he had no balls at all. -% -There was a young man of Bombay -Who buggered his dad once a day. - He said, "I like, rather, - Fucking my father -- -He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." -% -There was a young man of Calcutta, -Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. - When he got to c-u, - A pious Hindoo -Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. -% -There was a young man of Cape Horn -Who wished he had never been born, - And he wouldn't have been - If his father had seen -That the end of the rubber was torn. -% -There was a young man of Coblenz -Whose ballocks were simply immense: - It took forty-four draymen, - A priest and three laymen -To carry them thither and thence. -% -There was a young man of Darjeeling -Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. - In the electric light socket, - He'd put it and rock it-- -Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! -% -There was a young man of Devizes -Whose balls were of different sizes. - His tool when at ease, - Hung down to his knees, -Oh, what must it be when it rises! -% -There was a young man of Devizes, -Whose balls were of different sizes. - One was so small, - It was nothing at all; -The other took numerous prizes. -% -There was a young man of Dumfries -Who said to his girl, "If you please, - It would give me great bliss - If, while playing with this, -You would pay some attention to these!" -% -There was a young man of Greenwich -Whose balls were all covered with spinach. - So long was his tool - That it wound round a spool, -And he let it out inach by inach. -% -There was a young man of Khartoum -Who lured a poor girl to her doom. - He not only fucked her, - But buggered and sucked her-- -And left her to pay for the room. -% -There was a young man of Khartoum, -The strength of whose balls was his doom. - So strong was his shootin', - The third law of Newton -Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. -% -There was a young man of Kildare -Who was fucking a girl on the stair. - The bannister broke, - But he doubled his stroke -And finished her off in mid-air. -% -There was a young man of Kutki -Who could blink himself off with one eye. - For a while though, he pined, - When his organ declined -To function, because of a stye. -% -There was a young man of Lahore -Whose prick was one inch and no more. - It was all right for key-holes - And little girl's pee-holes, -But not worth a damn with a whore. -% -There was a young man of Lake Placid -Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. - When he wanted to sport - He would have to resort -To injections of sulphuric acid. -% -There was a young man of Madras -Whose balls were constructed of brass. - When jangled together - They played "Stormy Weather", -And lightning shot out of his ass. -% -There was a young man of Missouri -Who fucked with a terrible fury. - Till hauled into court - For his beastial sport, -And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. -% -There was a young man of Natal -And Sue was the name of his gal. - One day, north of Aden, - He got his hard rod in, -And came clear up Suez Canal. -% -There was a young man of Natal -Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. - Said she, "You're a sluggard!" - Said he, "You be buggered! -I like to fuck slow and I shall." -% -There was a young man of Ostend -Who let a girl play with his end. - She took hold of Rover, - And felt it all over, -And it did what she didn't intend. -% -There was a young man of Ostend -Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. - "It's no use, my duck, - Interrupting our fuck, -For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." -% -There was a young man of Saskatchewan, -Whose penis was truly gargantuan. - It was good for large whores, - And for small dinosaurs, -And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. -% -There was a young man of Seattle -Who bested a bull in a battle. - With fire and gumption - He assumed the bull's function, -And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. -% -There was a young man of St. John's -Who wanted to bugger the swans. - But the loyal hall porter - Said, "Pray take my daughter! -Those birds are reserved for the dons." -% -There was a young man of Tibet --- And this is the strangest one yet -- - His prick was so long, - And so pointed and strong, -He could bugger six sheep en brochette. -% -There was a young man of Toulouse -Who had a deficient prepuce, - But the foreskin he lacked - He made up in his sac; -The result was, his balls were too loose. -% -There was a young man of high station -Who was found by a pious relation - Making love in a ditch - To -- I won't say a bitch -- -But a woman of no reputation. -% -There was a young man who appeared -To his friends with a full growth of beard; - They at once said, "Although - We can't say why it's so, -The effect is uncommonly weird." - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young man who said "God, -I find it exceedingly odd, - That the willow oak tree - Continues to be, -When there's no one about in the Quad." - -"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, -For I'm always about in the Quad; - And that's why the tree, - Continues to be," -Signed "Yours faithfully, God." -% -There was a young man with a fiddle -Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" - She replied, "Yes, I do, - But prefer to with two -- -It's twice as much fun in the middle." -% -There was a young man with a prick -Which into his wife he would stick - Every morning and night - If it stood up all right -- -Not a very remarkable trick. - -His wife had a nice little cunt: -It was hairy, and soft, and in front, - And with this she would fuck him, - Though sometimes she'd suck him -- -A charming, if commonplace, stunt. -% -There was a young man with one foot -Who had a very long root. - If he used this peg - As an extra leg -Is a question exceedingly moot. -% -There was a young man, name of Fred, -Who spent every Thursday in bed; - He lay with his feet - Outside of the sheet, -And the pillows on top of his head. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young man, name of Saul, -Who was able to bounce either ball, - He could stretch them and snap them, - And juggle and clap them, -Which earned him the plaudits of all. -% -There was a young miss from Johore -Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; - In a manner uncanny - She'd wobble her fanny, -And drain your nuts dry to the core. -% -There was a young monk from Siberia -Whose life got drearia' and drearia' - Till he did to a nun - What shouldn't be done -And made her a mother superia'. -% -There was a young monk from Tibet -And this is the damnedest one yet - His cock was so long - And incredibly strong -That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. -% -There was a young monk in Siberia, -Whose morals were very inferior, - He jumped on a nun - Which he shouldn't have done, -And now she's a Mother Superior. -% -There was a young monk of Dundee -Who complained that it hurt him to pee, - He said, "Pax vobiscum, - Now why won't the piss come? -I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." -% -There was a young parson of Harwich, -Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. - She said, "No, you young goose, - Just try self-abuse. -And the other we'll try after marriage." -% -There was a young peasant named Gorse -Who fell madly in love with his horse. - Said his wife, "You rapscallion, - That horse is a stallion -- -This constitutes grounds for divorce." -% -There was a young person of Kent -Who was famous wherever he went. - All the way through a fuck, - He would quack like a duck, -And he crowed like a cock when he spent. -% -There was a young physicist named Fisk -Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. - So quick was his action, - The Lorentz Contraction -Shortened his rod to a disc !! -% -There was a young plumber named Lee -Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. - She said, "Stop your plumbing, - There's somebody coming" -Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." -% -There was a young poet named Dan, -Whose poetry never would scan. - When told this was so, - He said, "Yes, I know, -It's because I try to put every single syllable into the last line that I possibly, possibly can." -% -There was a young royal marine, -Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". - When he reached the soprano - Out came only guano -And his britches weren't fit to be seen. -% -There was a young sailor from Brighton -Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." - She replied, "'Pon my soul, - You're in the wrong hole -There's plenty of room in the right'un." -% -There was a young sapphic named Anna -Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, - Which she sucked, bit by bit, - From her partner's warm slit, -In the most approved lesbian manner. -% -There was a young soldier from Munich -Whose penis hung down past his tunic, - And their chops girls would lick - When they thought of his prick, -But alas! he was only a eunuch. -% -There was a young sportsman named Peel -Who went for a trip on his wheel; - He pedalled for days - Through crepuscular haze, -And returned feeling somewhat unreal. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young squaw of Wohunt -Who possessed a collapsible cunt. - It had many odd uses, - Produced no papooses, -And fitted both giant and runt. -% -There was a young student from Yale -Who was getting his first piece of tail. - He shoved in his pole, - But in the wrong hole, -And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" -% -There was a young trollop at Yale, -Who had verses tattooed on her tail, - And on her behind, - For the sake of the blind, -A duplicate version in Braille. -% -There was a young whore from Kaloo -Who filled her vagina with glue. - She said with a grin, - "If they pay to get in, -They can pay to get out again too!" -% -There was a young woman called Pearl -Who quite resembled a churl; - When she asked a young man named Tex - Whether he would like to have sex, -"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" -% -There was a young woman from Bude, -Who went for a swim in the nude, - But a man in a punt, - Grabbed at her elbow, -And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." -% -There was a young woman in Dee -Who stayed with each man she did see. - When it came to a test - She wished to be best, -And practice makes perfect, you see. -% -There was a young woman named Alice -Who peed in a Catholic chalice. - She said, "I do this - From a great need to piss, -And not from sectarian malice." -% -There was a young woman named Ells -Who was subject to curious spells - When got up very oddly, - She'd cry out things ungodly -by the palms in expensive hotels. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young woman named Florence -Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, - But they found her in bed - With her cunt flaming red, -And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. -% -There was a young woman named Plunnery -Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. - Till one day unobservant, - She blew up a servant, -And was forced to retire to a nunnery. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young woman named Sutton -Who said, as she carved up the mutton, - "My father preferred - The last sheep in the herd -- -This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." -% -There was a young woman of Cheadle, -Who once gave the clap to a beadle. - Said she, "Does it itch?" - "It does, you damned bitch, -And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." -% -There was a young woman of Condover -Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. - Her pussy was juicy, - Her arse soft and goosey, -But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. -% -There was a young woman of Croft -Who played with herself in a loft, - Having reasoned that candles - Could never cause scandals, -Besides which they did not go soft. - -Said another young woman of Croft, -Amusing herself in the loft, - "A salami or wurst - Is what I'd choose first -- -With bologna you know you've been boffed." -% -There was a young woman whose stammer -Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; - But they were not improved - When her husband was moved -To knock out her teeth with a hammer. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There was a young woman, quite handsome, -Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. - When she offered much gold - For release, she was told -That the view was worth more than the ransom. -% -There was an Old Man of the Mountain -Who frigged himself into a fountain - Fifteen times had he spent, - Still he wasn't content, -He simply got tired of the counting. -% -There was an old Scot named McTavish -Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. - The object of rape - Was the wrong sex of ape, -And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. -% -There was an old abbess quite shocked -To find nuns where the candles were locked. - Said the abbess, "You nuns - Should behave more like guns, -And never go off till you're cocked." -% -There was an old bishop from Buckingham -Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. - His wife with distain - Could scarcely restrain -That sprightly old bishop from * * *. -% -There was an old count of Swoboda -Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. - So, with great savoir-faire, - She stood on a chair -And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. -% -There was an old curate of Hestion -Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. - But so small was his tool - He could scarce screw a spool, -And a cunt was quite out of the question. -% -There was an old fellow named Art -Who awoke with a horrible start, - For down by his rump - Was a generous lump -Of what should have been just a fart. -% -There was an old fellow named Skinner -Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. - But still, by and large, - It would always discharge -Once he could just get it in her. -% -There was an old feminine blighter -Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. - She would cream her own pool - While she sucked off his tool -- -How his cock in her cunt would excite her! -% -There was an old gent from Kentuck -Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, - But he put it away - For fear that one day -He might put it in and get stuck. -% -There was an old girl of Kilkenny -Whose usual charge was a penny. - For half of that sum - You could finger her bum-- -A source of amusement to many. -% -There was an old harlot from Dijon -Who in her old age got religion. - "When I'm dead & gone," - Said she, "I'll take on -The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." -% -There was an old hermit named Dave -Who kept a dead whore in his cave. - He said "I'll admit - I'm a bit of a shit, -But look at the money I save." -% -There was an old lady of Bingly -Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. - I thought I had got - A bloke for my twat, -But he seems rather queenly than kingly." -% -There was an old lady of Glascow, -Whose party proved quite a fiasco. - At nine-thirty, about, - The lights all went out, -Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. -% -There was an old lady of Kewry -Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': - The `introitus vaginae', - Was unnaturally tiny, -And the thought of it filled her with fury. -% -There was an old lady who lay -With her legs wide apart in the hay, - Then, calling the ploughman, - She said, "Do it now, man! -Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." -% -There was an old maid from Cape Cod -Who thought all good things came from god. - But it wasn't the almighty - Who lifted her nighty, -It was Roger, the lodger, by god. -% -There was an old man from Bengal -Who liked to do tricks in the hall. - His favorite trick - Was to stand on his dick -While he rolled around on one ball. -% -There was an old man from Duluth -Whose cock was shot off in his youth. - He fucked with his nose - Or his fingers and toes -And he came thru a hole in his tooth. -% -There was an old man from Fort Drum -Whose son was incredibly dumb. - When he urged him ahead, - He went down instead, -For he thought to succeed meant succumb. -% -There was an old man of Alsace -Who played the trombone with his ass. - He put in a trap - To take out the crap, -But the vapors corroded the brass. -% -There was an old man of Brienz -The length of whose cock was immense: - With one swerve he could plug - A boy's bottom in Zug, -And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. -% -There was an old man of Cajon -Who never could get a good bone. - With the aid of a gland - It grew simply grand; -Now his wife cannot leave it alone. -% -There was an old man of Calcutta -Who spied through a chink in the shutter. - But all he could see - Was his wife's bare knee, -And the back of the bloke who was up her. -% -There was an old man of Connaught -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." -% -There was an old man of Duddee -Who came home as drunk as could be. - He wound up the clock - With the end of his cock, -And buggered his wife with the key. -% -There was an old man of Duluth -Whose cock was shot off in his youth. - He fucked with his nose - And with fingers and toes, -And he came through a hole in his tooth. -% -There was an old man of Hong Kong -Who never did anything wrong. - He would lie on his back - With his head in a sack -And secretly finger his dong. -% -There was an old man of St. Bees, -Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. - When asked, "Does it hurt?" - He replied, "No, it doesn't. -I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." - -- W.S. Gilbert -% -There was an old man of Tagore -Whose tool was a yard long or more, - So he wore the damn thing - In a surgical sling -To keep it from wiping the floor. -% -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" -% -There was an old man who said, "Tush! -My balls always hang in the brush, - And I fumble about, - Half in and half out, -With a pecker as limber as mush." -% -There was an old man with a beard -Who said, "It is just what I feared! - Two owls and a hen, - Four larks and a wren -Have all built their nests in my beard!" -% -There was an old person of Ware -Who had an affair with a bear. - He explained, "I don't mind, - For it's gentle and kind, -But I wish it had slightly less hair." -% -There was an old pirate named Bates -Who was learning to rhumba on skates - He fell on his cutlass - Which rendered him nutless -And practically useless on dates. -% -There was an old satyr named Mack -Whose prick had a left handed tack. - If the ladies he loves - Don't spin when he shoves, -Their cervixes frequently crack. -% -There was an old whore from Silesia -Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, - For a slight extra sum - You can go up my bum -But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." -% -There was an old whore in the Azores -Whose body was covered with festers & sores. - Why the dogs in the street - Wouldn't eat the green meat -That hung in festoons from her drawers. -% -There was an old woman of Ghent -Who swore that her cunt had no scent. - She got fucked so often - At last she got rotten, -And didn't she stink when she spent. -% -There was once a mechanic named Bench -Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. - With this vibrant device - He could reach, in a trice, -The innermost parts of a wench. -% -There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel -Who said, "They can all go to hell! - What they do to my wife-- - Why it ruins my life; -And the worst is, they all do it well. -% -There were three ladies of Huxham, -And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, - And when that game grows stale - We sits on a rail, -And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. -% -There were three young ladies of Birmingham, -And this is the scandal concerning 'em. - They lifted the frock - And tickled the cock -Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. - -Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, -He'd been to a good public school, - So he took down their britches - And buggered those bitches -With his ten-inch episcopal tool. - -Then up spoke a lady from Kew, -And said, as the Bishop withdrew, - "The vicar is quicker - And thicker and slicker, -And longer and stronger than you." - -- Abuses of the Clergy -% -There's a charming young girl in Tobruk -Who refers to her quiff as a nook. - It's deep and it's wide, - -- You can curl up inside -With a nice easy chair and a book. -% -There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu -Who's often been screwed by yours truly, - But now--it's appallin'-- - My balls always fall in! -I fear that I've fucked her unduly. -% -There's a dowager near Sweden Landing -Whose manners are odd and demanding. - It's one of her jests - To suck off her guests -- -She hates to keep gentlemen standing. -% -There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock -Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, - But her cunt's got a pucker - That's best not to fuck, or -When least you expect it to, it'll lock. -% -There's a rather odd couple in Herts -Who are cousins (or so each asserts); - Their sex is in doubt - For they're never without -Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. - -- Edward Gorey -% -There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, -Who's been coxing the varsity crew. - In the shell Sue is great, - But her boyfriend's irate, -When she calls out the stroke as they screw. -% -There's a tavern in London that's staffed, -By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: - In her striving to please, - She serves ale on her knees, -So the patrons get head with their draft. -% -There's a very hot babe at the Aggies -Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. - The seniors go round - Hanging down to the ground, -And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. -% -There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, -Since his shocking perversions are various... - He will bugger some lad - With a dildo (the cad!) -While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" -% -There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, -Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. - When one pireg is shot, - There's that alternate twat, -But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. -% -There's an oversexed lady named Whyte -Who insists on a dozen a night. - A fellow named Cheddar - Had the brashness to wed her- -His chance of survival is slight. -% -There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, -Exceedingly hard to get onto, - But when you get there, - And have parted the hair, -You can fuck her as much as you want to. -% -They had come in the fugue to the stretto -When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto - Slipped forward and grabbed - Her tresses and stabbed -Her to death with a rusty stiletto. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, -Was to do what man normally does, - She declared, "I'm a Soul- - Not a sexual goal!" -So he shrugged and called someone who was. -% -Though most of the crewmen are whites, -Uhura has full equal rights. - Her crewmates, you see, - Love De-mo-cra-cy, -And the way that she fills out her tights. -% -Though the invalid Saint of Brac -Lay all of his life on his back, - His wife got her share, - And the pilgrims now stare -At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. -% -To a weepy young woman in Thrums -Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes - Of allowing your tears - To fall into my ears - -I think they have rotted the drums." - -- Edward Gorey -% -To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. -Their fertility was somewhat unstable. - He constructed a bed - Out of tree trunks and said, -"Even adders can multiply on a log table." -% -To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! -Your cunt is as big as a dish!" - She replied, "Why, you fool, - With your limp little tool -It's like driving a nail with a fish!" -% -To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : -"I trust you will show some forbearance. - My sexual habits - I picked up from rabbits, -And occasionally watching my parents." -% -To his bride said economist Fife : -"The semen you'll launch as my wife, - We will salvage and freeze - To resemble goat's cheese, -And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." -% -To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, -"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? - Has the east tit the least bit - The best of the west tit, -Or is it the faulty perspective?" -% -To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, -"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? - Is your east tit the least bit - The best of your west tit, -Or is it a trick of perspective?" -% -To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, -As he poured his post-prandial tipple, - "Your mother's behaviour - Gave pain to Our Saviour, -And that's why He made you a cripple." - -- Edward Gorey -% -Two anglers were fishing off Wight -And his bobber was dipping all night. - Murmured she, with a laugh, - "It's ready to gaff, -But don't break your rod which is light." - -A couple was fishing near Clombe -When the maid began looking quite glum, - And said, "Bother the fish! - I'd rather coish!" -Which they did -- which was why they had come. - -As two consular clerks in Madras -Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, - "What a marvelous pole," - Said she, "but control -Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." -% -Two eager young men from Cawnpore -Once buggared and fucked the same whore. - But her partition split - And the blood and the shit -Rolled out in a mess on the floor. -% -Two roosters in one of our pens -Found their pricks were no larger than wens. - As they looked at their foreskins - And wished they had more skins, -They discovered they'd both become hens. -% -Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass -S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; - "La vie religieuse, "The religious life - C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid," -Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Under the spreading chestnut tree -The village smith he sat, - Amusing himself - By abusing himself -And catching the load in his hat. -% -Une joile epousetta a Tours -Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. - Mais le mari disait, "Non! - De trop n'est pas bon! -Mon derriere exige du secours!" -% -Visas erat: huic geminarum -Dispar modus testicularum: - Minor haec nihili, - Palma triplici, -Jam fecerat altera clarum. -% -We dedicate this to the cunt, -The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : - All hail to the twat, - Willing, thrilling, and hot, -That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! -% -We sailed on the good ship Venus, -My God, you should have seen us - With a figurehead - Of a whore in bed -And the mast an upright penis - -The captain of the lugger -Was known as a filthy bugger - Declared unfit - To shovel shit -From one ship to another - -The first mate's name was Cooper, -By god he was a trooper - He jerked and jerked - Until he worked -Himself into a stupor - -The cabin boy was chipper, -A dandy little nipper - He shoved cracked glass - Inside his ass -And circumcised the skipper - -The captain's wife was Charlotte, -Born and bred a harlot - Her thighs at night - Were lily white -By morning they were scarlet - -The captain's youngest daughter -Slipped into the water - Her plaintive squeals - Announced that eels -Had found her sexual quarter - -The ship's dog's name was Rover, -They turned the poor beast over - And ground and ground - That faithful hound -From Tenerife to Dover -% -Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse -By all of the lads in his class - He said, with a yawn, - "Now the novelty's gone -And it's only a pain in the ass." -% -When I was a baby, my penis -Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. - But now 'tis as red - As her nipples instead-- -All because of the feminine genus! -% -When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, -Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, - "Was he modest or vain?" - "Was he regal or plain?" -She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" -% -When you fuck little Annie in Anza -You get a great bossom bonanza: - Sucking Annie's soft tits - Makes her throw fifty fits, -And the fuck is a sextravaganza! -% -While I, with my usual enthusiasm, -Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, - She explained, "They are flat, - But think nothing of that -- -You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." -% -While Titian was mixing rose madder, -His model reclined on a ladder. - Her position to Titian - Suggested coition, -So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. -% -While his duchess lay practically dead, -The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: - "Can it be this is all? - How puny! How small! -Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." - -- Edward Gorey -% -While out on a date in his Fiat, -The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" - As he bent down to seek, - She let out a shriek: -"That's not where it's likely to be at." -% -While spending the winter at Pau -Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." - So the head-porter made her - And the second-cook laid her; -The waiters were all hanging low. -% -While travelling in farthest Tibet, -Lord Irongate found cause to regret - The buttered-up tea, - A pain in his knee, -And the frivolous tourists he met. - -- Edward Gorey -% -Winter is here with his grouch, -The time when you sneeze and you slouch. - You can't take your women - Canoein' or swimmin', -But a lot can be done on a couch. -% -With his penis in turgid erection, -And aimed at woman's mid-section, - Man looks most uncouth - In that Moment of Truth, -But she sheathes it with loving affection. -% -You Women's Lib gals won't agree, -But dependent on men you must be: - You'll need a him - With a rod firm and trim, -To puggle your water-drains free! -% -You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, -Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : - He buggers the choir - As they sing "Ave Maria," -And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. -% -Young Frederick the great was a beaut. -To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. - If you'll come to my palace, - I'll finger your phallus, -And then I shall blow on your flute." -% -`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava -I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. - The ship was all white - But it creaked in the night, -And the band, they did not know la java." - -- Edward Gorey -% |