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diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/zippy b/fortune/datfiles/zippy deleted file mode 100644 index f0b76bb4..00000000 --- a/fortune/datfiles/zippy +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1363 +0,0 @@ -A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQUIRI!! -% -A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit! -% -A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume.. -% -A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled -with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight?? -% -Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!! -% -Adopt my lifestyle or I'll have to press charges. -% -All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled -by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... -% -All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow -a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know -WHY!! -% -All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat! -% -All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds! -% -All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT! -% -Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!! -% -Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN? -% -Am I elected yet? -% -Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet? -% -Am I SHOPLIFTING? -% -America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into -your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ... -% -An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! -% -An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS?? -% -An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES! -% -And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!! -% -ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO -MONTALBAN'S HAIR! -% -Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER? -% -Are we having fun yet? -% -Are we live or on tape? -% -Are we on STRIKE yet? -% -Are we THERE yet? -% -Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!! -% -Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut?? -% -Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!! -% -Are you still an ALCOHOLIC? -% -As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection! -% -Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY? -% -BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!! -% -Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! -But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!! -% -BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY -WAY" I've ever heard!! -% -Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST. -% -BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ... -% -BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI- -% -... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... -% -Bo Derek ruined my life! -% -Boy, am I glad it's only 1971... -% -Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!! -% -But they went to MARS around 1953!! -% -But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade? -% -Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead? -% -Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE? -% -Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger! -% -CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH! -% -Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!! -% -Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!! -% -Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL -NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn -LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!! -% -CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about -DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE?? -% -Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds -TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ... -% -Could I have a drug overdose? -% -Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in -a MALIBU HOT TUB? -% -Did I do an INCORRECT THING?? -% -Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus??? -% -Did I SELL OUT yet?? -% -Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA? -% -Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy? -% -DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL? -% -Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? -% -Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahyde pipeline running -straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the -dollar! -% -Do I have a lifestyle yet? -% -Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? -% -Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat?? -% -Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"? -% -Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days? -% -Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me? -% -does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS? -% -DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!! -Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!! -% -Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!! -% -Don't SANFORIZE me!! -% -Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... -FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK -STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS?? -% -Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!! -% -Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!! -% -Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!! -% -Everybody gets free BORSCHT! -% -Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a -disaster Movie!! -% -Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ... -% -Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of -OFFSET PRINTING? -% -FEELINGS are cascading over me!!! -% -Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty -dining room. -% -First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So -just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!! -% -FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! -% -for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!! -% -Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my -gothic solarium!! -% -Frivolity is a stern taskmaster. -% -FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... -% -FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!! -% -Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my -satellite dish PAYMENTS! -% -Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ... -% -Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!! -% -Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!! -% -GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my -pet LEISURE SUIT!! -% -HAIR TONICS, please!! -% -Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste! -% -Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for -today! -% -Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? -% -Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's -time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! -% -... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE. -% -He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- -% -He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me -like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to -PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING -MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO! -% -HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death! -% -HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!! -% -Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!! -% -Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan -females!! -% -Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES -being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!! -% -Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No -thanks! -% -Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I -guess ... -% -Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample -bottles ... -% -Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!! -% -Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN -anywhere!! -% -Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment? -% -Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!! -% -Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce! -% -Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some -drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!! -% -Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a -TROLLEY-CAR ... -% -Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted -island, when ... -% -Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET -FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ... -% -Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL -CHLORIDE ... -% -Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ... -% -HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!! -% -How do I get HOME? -% -How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' -MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, -HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce -to NANCY SINATRA! -% -How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL -SHARPENERS right NOW?? -% -How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS?? -% -How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism? -% -hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub. -% -HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!! -% -HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ... -% -I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!! -% -I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut. -% -I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927! -% -I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller! -% -I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST! -% -I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN? -% -I am NOT a nut.... -% -I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!! -% -I believe in wash fulfillment. -% -I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!! -% -I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! -% -I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB -GUCCIONE has these problems! -% -I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of -LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ... -% -I demand IMPUNITY! -% -I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO! -% -I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all -just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell -more numbers!! -% -... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. -LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! -% -I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in -my read molars ... -% -... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN. -% -I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!! -% -I feel ... JUGULAR ... -% -I feel better about world problems now! -% -I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon! -% -I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV ... -% -I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!! -% -I feel partially hydrogenated! -% -I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the -"WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE -in the yard ... -% -I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ... -% -I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING! -% -I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ... -% -I had pancake makeup for brunch! -% -I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD -% -I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. -% -I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!! -% -I have accepted Provolone into my life! -% -I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. -% -... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ... -% --- I have seen the FUN -- -% -I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... -% -I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the -INSTRUCTIONS ... -% -I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!! -% -I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because -my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!! -% -I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling -every day from Oral Roberts!! -% -I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ... -% -I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to -live!! -% -I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ... -% -I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life -savings in yeast!! -% -I invented skydiving in 1989! -% -I joined scientology at a garage sale!! -% -I just accepted provolone into my life. -% -I just forgot my Social Security number. -% -I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! -% -I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he -is ... -% -I just had a NOSE JOB!! -% -I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON! -% -I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch -with my LEISURE SUIT!! -% -I just remembered something about a TOAD! -% -I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW -on the SIDE? -% -I Know A Joke -% -I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!! -% -I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!! -% -I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!! -% -I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!! -% -I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS -% -I like your SNOOPY POSTER!! -% --- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away -now. I fed the cat. -% -I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in -1965!! -% -I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio -SLEAZEBALLS!! -% -I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!! -% -I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank! -% -I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL -legislation.. -% -I represent a sardine!! -% -I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers! -% -... I see TOILET SEATS ... -% -I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! -% -I smell a RANCID CORN DOG! -% -I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day! -% -I think I am an overnight sensation right now!! -% -... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common -MISAPPREHENSIONS ... -% -I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while -reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!! -% -I think I'm having a mid-week crisis. -% -I think my career is ruined! -% -I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH -RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!! -% -... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!! -% -I want a mega-meal in a mega-mall. -% -I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!! -% -I want a WESSON OIL lease!! -% -I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!! -% -I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n -secure!! -% -... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within -SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!! -% -I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres. -% -I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE -and WHEAT THINS ... -% -I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! -% -I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! -% -I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ... -% -I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!! -% -I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY -... BACKWARDS!! -% -I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in -formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with -me -- -% -I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution! -% -I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus! -% -I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!! -% -I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog! -% -I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems! -% -I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world? -% -I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE -STRANGER? -% -I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!! -% -I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight? -% -I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool -- -% -I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried! -% -I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE -- -% -I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!! -% -I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ... -% -I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany -% -I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN -SONTAG!! -% -I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex! -% -I'm afraid! I need something in a heavy cream sauce. -% -I'm also against BODY-SURFING!! -% -I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!! -% -I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!! -% -I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO -MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"! -% -I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!! -% -I'm definitely not in Omaha! -% -I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this -miniature DOMED STADIUM ... -% -I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late... -% -I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!! -% -I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!! -% -I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!! -% -I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!! -% -I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!! -% -I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS! -% -I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS -% -I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!! -% -I'm having an emotional outburst!! -% -I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in -my PAJAMA POCKET?? -% -I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and -wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ... -% -I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! -% -... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM -of a KOSHER DELI -- -% -I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS. -% -I'm into SOFTWARE! -% -I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my -PERSONAL SPACE!! -% -I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD -STERLING when you really need him? -% -I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!! -% -I'm not available for comment.. -% -I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly?? -% -I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO -MONTALBAN! -% -I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife -and two children stand QUIETLY BY ... -% -I'm rated PG-34!! -% -I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!! -% -I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with -MISSILES!! -% -I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin -Hustle now! -% -I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!! -% -I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM -... I'm VIBRATORY ... -% -I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated -IMAGE FORMATIONS ... -% -I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of -CHICKEN ... -% -I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER -WORKINGS of this POTATO!! -% -I'm wearing PAMPERS!! -% -I'm wet! I'm wild! -% -I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR -REGIONS! -% -I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode. -% -I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ... -% -I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your -SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!! -% -I've read SEVEN MILLION books!! -% -... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im -antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche -PIZZA ... -% -If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for -MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a -GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!! -% -If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old -houseboy ... -% -If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again! -% -If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be -replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! -% -If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT! -% -If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!! -% -... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate -man!! -% -If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST! -% -if it GLISTENS, gobble it!! -% -If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! -% -If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry -Bonzo?? -% -If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic. -% -In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental -Belt," for $10.99!! -% -In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day! -% -INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!! -% -Inside, I'm already SOBBING! -% -Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in -Safeway? -% -Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG -his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the -ESCALATOR ... -% -Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one -wild afternoon?? -% -Is it clean in other dimensions? -% -Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a -plate of SAUCE MORNAY? -% -Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN? -% -Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"? -% -Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy? -% -Is this TERMINAL fun? -% -Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also -makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR? -% -Isn't this my STOP?! -% -It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!! -% -It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID -LETTERMAN!! YOW!! -% -It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!? -% -It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!! -% -It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA -in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making -FRENCH TOAST! -% -It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too. -% -It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!! -% -JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level -of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ... -% -Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! -% -Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ... -% -Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be -carried too FAR! -% -Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, -PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!! -% -Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine -is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!! -% -LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??! -% -Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a -SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your -ASHTRAYS ... -% -Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ... -% -Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!! -% -Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories! -% -Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!! -% -Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!! -% -Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!! -% -Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a -HIGHBALL?? ... -% -Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge -card! -% -Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich! -% -LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of -Seagulls" HAIRCUTS! -% -Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!! -% -Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a -cheap hotel in HONOLULU! -% -Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE -- -% -MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician! -% -MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! -% -Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the -shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a -TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and -SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, -BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded -animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT, -I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE -WHEAT BUN!! -% -Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of -the INDONESIAN archipelago? -% -My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!! -% -My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE -FUNCTION and full kitchen!! -% -My boxer shorts just went on a rampage through a Long Island bowling alley. -% -My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New -York!! -% -My EARS are GONE!! -% -My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's -care!!!! -% -My haircut is totally traditional! -% -MY income is ALL disposable! -% -My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ... -% -My life is a patio of fun! -% -My mind is a potato field ... -% -My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ... -% -My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ... -% -my NOSE is NUMB! -% -... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling -Alley!! -% -My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!! -% -My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift! -% -My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!! -% -My vaseline is RUNNING... -% -NANCY!! Why is everything RED?! -% -NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They -COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They -did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but -they were OFF-KEY ... -% -NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!! -% -Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! -% -Nobody brings small problems into a laundromat. -% -Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... -in PAIN!!! -% -Now I am depressed ... -% -Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST -BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER! -% -Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"! -% -Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the -BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!! -% -Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World -War II! -% -Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of -HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached -by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ... -% -Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ... -% -Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING -and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!! -% -Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! -% -... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! -% -Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!! -% -Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE -- -% -Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!! -% -Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY?? -% -Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR -DEAD CAT LOVERS" ... -% -OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED -R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!! -% -OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O -and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if -it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S -the WASHING MACHINES? -% -On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS -PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!! -% -On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL -QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!! -% -On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a -POINT. -% -Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of -DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY -VALUES!! -% -Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION -statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was -completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely -amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we -finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled -snack cakes! -% -One FISHWICH coming up!! -% -ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to - the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... -TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... -THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!! -% -... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last -Tuesday? -% -Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this -table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also -leave a GENEROUS TIP .... -% -over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ... -% -OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND -REPAIR!! -% -PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH? -% -Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your -BOOTH! -% -PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT. -% -PIZZA!! -% -Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the -Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES! -% -Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!! -% -Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!! -% -PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!! -% -Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! -% -Reality distorts my sense of television. -% -RELATIVES!! -% -Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by -prescription!! -% -Remote keyless entry, remote keyless entry, remote keyless entry! -% -RHAPSODY in Glue! -% -SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS -... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, -starring JANE FONDA!! -% -Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA -94140, USA -% -SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into -empty OIL DRUMS ... -% -Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley? -% -Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a -VASECTOMY?? -% -Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK -hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST? -% -Sign my PETITION. -% -So this is what it feels like to be potato salad -% -So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL -INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 -SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!! -% -someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN -% -Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!! -% -Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB -CHOP!! -% -Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a -batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!! -% -Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it -to Beaver"! -% -Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why? -% -TAILFINS!! ... click ... -% - Talking Pinhead Blues: -Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel - TWENTY-SIX!! - -Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been - DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) - -My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG - won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf) - -So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! - (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh) -% -TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash -Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?! -% -Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to -Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!! -% -Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL -% -Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!! -% -The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth -the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!! -% -The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- -and have since BIRTH!! -% -The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my -SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!! -% -The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ... -% -... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued -OYSTER! Yum! -% -The Korean War must have been fun. -% -... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! -% -The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at -dawn!!! -% -The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! -% -The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS -around 1953!! -% -The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ... -% -There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS -in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!! -% -There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni! -% -These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!! -% -They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen -appeal! -% -This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!! -% -This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!! -% -This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up -against someone's MARTINI!! -% -... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! -% -This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!! -% -This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!! -% -This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is -talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ... -% -Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD -SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!! -% -Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the -aesthetic modules -- -% -Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER -before his MAKEOVER! -% -Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... -Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! -% -TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN?? -% -Treasure your spin cycle. -% -Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader -frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend? -% -Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS! -% -UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by -mistake!!! -% -UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a -NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha. -% -Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!! -% -UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS! -% -Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE! -% -VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! -% -Virtual reality isn't what it used to be. -% -Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and -TAX-DEFERRED! -% -Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat -Junction?? -% -Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!! -% -We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot -tub ... -% -We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR -- -% -We just joined the civil hair patrol! -% -We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. -45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head! -% -Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I -HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ... -EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!! -% -Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to -VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! -% -Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES -ROOM ... -% -Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL -DESPAIR! -% -Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE? -% -What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!! -% -What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY? -% -What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ... -% -What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf? -% -What PROGRAM are they watching? -% -What UNIVERSE is this, please?? -% -What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory? -% -When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or -DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ... -% -When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ... -% -When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING? -% -When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING -BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION -and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!! -% -Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER? -% -Where does it go when you flush? -% -Where's SANDY DUNCAN? -% -Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT?? -% -Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!! -% -While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit -priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! -% -While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his -will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"! -% -WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?! -% -WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the -NEGATIVE IONS!! -% -Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me?? -% -Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your -own ZIPCODE? -% -Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex? -% -Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT -CENTER with you?? -% -Will it improve my CASH FLOW? -% -Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air? -% -Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease? -% -With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ... -% -World War III? No thanks! -% -World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced -dress code! -% -Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it! -% -Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"! -% -Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON -MAIDEN concert? -% -You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!! -% -You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th' -distinction between FANTASY and REALITY? -% -You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA? -% -YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!! -% -You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW -CAREER!! -% -You were s'posed to laugh! -% -YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN -DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!! -% -Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS -- -% -Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental -attitudes! -% -Yow! -% -Yow! Am I having fun yet? -% -Yow! Am I in Milwaukee? -% -Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights! -% -Yow! Are we laid back yet? -% -Yow! Are we wet yet? -% -Yow! Are you the self-frying president? -% -Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?? -% -Yow! I just went below the poverty line! -% -Yow! I threw up on my window! -% -Yow! I want my nose in lights! -% -Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua! -% -Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel -mill! -% -Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce! -% -Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof? -% -Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it?? -% -Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank! -% -Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping! -% -Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY -- -% -Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING -BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL! -% -Yow! Now we can become alcoholics! -% -Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!! -% -Yow! We're going to a new disco! -% -YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! -% -YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!! -% -YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM -laws!! -% -YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!! -% -YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!! -% -YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of -CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND! -% -YOW!!! I am having fun!!! -% -Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ... |