Sort and remove duplicates.

1 files changed, 1323 insertions, 1614 deletions

diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
index 6d26b112..45c6e47f 100644
--- a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real
@@ -1,3 +1,57 @@
+"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
+"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
+	You have made much fine verse on
+	Each part of my person,
+Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
+%
+"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
+Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
+	"Since dating Miss Baugh,
+	My whole tongue has been raw--
+It must have been something I ate."
+%
+"I do love a lay every day,
+So whenever you're coming this way
+	Just phone in advance
+	And I'll jerk off my pants,
+And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
+%
+"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
+"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
+	He pulled it on out,
+	But she started to pout,
+His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
+%
+"The testes are cooler outside,"
+Said the doc to the curious bride,
+	"For the semen must no
+	Get too fucking hot,
+And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
+%
+"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
+"And told my wife to try it on top.
+	She bounced for an hour,
+	Till she ran out of power,
+And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
+%
+'Tis a custom in Castellamare
+To fuck in the back of a lorry.
+	The chassis and springs
+	Are like woodwinds and strings
+In the midst of a musical soiree.
+%
+A CS student named Lin
+Had a prick the size of a pin
+	It was no good for girls
+	But just great for squirrels
+Who squealed with delight with it in.
+%
+A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
+Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
+	When he popped her cherry,
+	She made things hairy
+By bleeding all over his face.
+%
 A bad little girl in Madrid,
 A most reprehensible kid,
 	Told her Tante Louise
@@ -7,7 +61,7 @@ And the worst of it was that it did!
 A bather whose clothing was strewed
 By breezes that left her quite nude,
 	Saw a man come along
-	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+	And, unless I am wrong,
 You expected this line to be lewd.
 %
 A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
@@ -128,6 +182,12 @@ Had a pussy as large as a muff.
 	And some intimate glands,
 And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
 %
+A clergical student named Simms
+Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
+	A nice piece of ass
+	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
+All the others get Anglican hymns.
+%
 A clerical student named Pryne
 Through pain sought to reach the divine:
 	He wore a hair shirt,
@@ -177,12 +237,6 @@ And had an affair with a Saracen.
 	Or jealous or vexed,
 She just wanted to make a comparison.
 %
-A CS student named Lin
-Had a prick the size of a pin
-	It was no good for girls
-	But just great for squirrels
-Who squealed with delight with it in.
-%
 A cute little twerp from Samoa
 Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
 	It was good for keyholes
@@ -231,12 +285,6 @@ Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
 	He stripped off his pants,
 But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
 %
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
-	But a dropout from paree
-	Taught him Gamahuchee
-So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
 A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
 	She blew her vagina
@@ -249,6 +297,12 @@ Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
 	In South Carolina,
 And part of her ass in Brazil.
 %
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+	But a dropout from paree
+	Taught him Gamahuchee
+So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
 A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
 Whose overworked sex is all callous,
 	Wore the foreskin away
@@ -297,12 +351,6 @@ Just didn't know what he was missin',
 	And neglecting his cock,
 And using it merely for pissin'.
 %
-A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
-Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
-	When he popped her cherry,
-	She made things hairy
-By bleeding all over his face.
-%
 A frustrated lady named Alice
 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
 	They found her vagina
@@ -402,12 +450,6 @@ Has taken a-hold of papa.
 	And other odd mammals,
 And gives them a go at mama.
 %
-A habit obscene and unsavory,
-Holds a CS professor in slavery.
-	With maniacal howls,
-	He deflowers young owls,
-That he keeps in an underground aviary.
-%
 A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
 Made love to the drive of his disk.
 	The thing circumsized him,
@@ -493,12 +535,6 @@ Weaveth all night at her loom.
 	When her lord and his wench
 Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
 %
-A lad, at his first copulation,
-Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
-	Gyration, elation
-	Throughout the duration,
-I guess I'll give up masturbation."
-%
 A lad from far-off Transvaal
 Was lustful, but tactful withal.
 	He'd say, just for luck,
@@ -511,6 +547,12 @@ Had erogenous zones in his mind.
 	By solving equations,
 (Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
 %
+A lad, at his first copulation,
+Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
+	Gyration, elation
+	Throughout the duration,
+I guess I'll give up masturbation."
+%
 A lady born under a curse
 Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
 	From the back she would wail
@@ -556,12 +598,6 @@ To revise her existence misspent.
 Where she stayed through the following Lent.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-A lady, while dining in Crewe,
-Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
-	Said the waiter, "Don't shout
-	Or wave it about
-Or the others will ask for one, too."
-%
 A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
 Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
 	"I don't mind my shins
@@ -575,6 +611,12 @@ Was famed for her area pubic.
 	She replied in surprise,
 "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
 %
+A lady, while dining in Crewe,
+Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
+	Said the waiter, "Don't shout
+	Or wave it about
+Or the others will ask for one, too."
+%
 A lass at the foot of her class
 Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
 	She replied, "With no fuss
@@ -725,18 +767,18 @@ Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
 	He's about to devise
 An unprintable three-letter word.
 %
-A newlywed couple from Goshen
-Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
-	In twenty-eight days
-	They got laid eighty ways --
-Imagine such fucking devotion!
-%
 A newly-wed man of Peru
 Found himself in a terrible stew:
 	His wife was in bed
 	Much deader than dead,
 And so he had no one to screw.
 %
+A newlywed couple from Goshen
+Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
+	In twenty-eight days
+	They got laid eighty ways --
+Imagine such fucking devotion!
+%
 A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
 In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
 	Reads the sign o'er the head
@@ -816,6 +858,12 @@ Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
 	And John Brink petered out,
 With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
 %
+A potter who lived in Bombay
+Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
+	But the heat of his prick
+	Kilned the damn thing to brick
+And chafed all his foreskin away.
+%
 A pretty wife living in Tours
 Demanded her daily amour.
 	But the husband said, "No!
@@ -852,12 +900,11 @@ Made her home on a purple pagoda.
 	Of her halls with the balls
 And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
 %
-A programmer down in Moline
-Said, I'm the match for any machine.
-	My secret's aversion,
-	To loops and recursion,
-Just acres of in-line routine.
-		-- W.J. Wilson
+A progressive professor named Winners
+Held classes each evening for sinners.
+	They were graded and spaced
+	So the vile and debased
+Would not be held back by beginners.
 %
 A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
 Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
@@ -877,12 +924,6 @@ Had no qualms about taking a chance,
 	To get screwed in the nude,
 So she always went home with damp pants.
 %
-A remarkable race are the Persians;
-They have such peculiar diversions.
-	They make love the whole day
-	In the usual way
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
 A remarkable race are the Persians,
 They have such peculiar diversions.
 	They screw the whole day
@@ -1070,11 +1111,11 @@ Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
 	But she said, "Nothing doing;
 One of you has to go home!"
 %
-A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
-Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
+A trapper named Francois Lefevre
+Once captured and buggered a beaver.
 	The result of this fuck
 	Was a three titted duck,
-A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
+A canoe, and an Irish retriever.
 %
 A tutor who tooted a flute
 Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
@@ -1167,6 +1208,12 @@ Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
 	"Get out of my clinic;
 Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
 %
+A young Juliet of St. Louis
+On a balcony stood acting screwy.
+	Her Romeo climbed,
+	But he wasn't well timed,
+And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
+%
 A young bride and groom of Australia
 Remarked as they joined genitalia :
 	"Though the system seems odd,
@@ -1179,12 +1226,6 @@ That although of penis devoid,
 	By eating a foetus,
 And his parents were quite overjoyed.
 %
-A young Juliet of St. Louis
-On a balcony stood acting screwy.
-	Her Romeo climbed,
-	But he wasn't well timed,
-And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
-%
 A young lad named Lester McGraw
 Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
 	As he watched him stick her
@@ -1241,6 +1282,12 @@ Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
 	Was so heavy it could
 Scarcely lift up its head.  It lacked vigor.
 %
+A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
+While bent over plucking a dingle
+	Had the whole of Eisteddfod
+	Taking turns at his pod
+While they sang some impossible jingle.
+%
 A young man of acumen and daring,
 Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
 	Was left quite alone
@@ -1248,12 +1295,6 @@ Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
 That their use at his board was unsparing.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
-While bent over plucking a dingle
-	Had the whole of Eisteddfod
-	Taking turns at his pod
-While they sang some impossible jingle.
-%
 A young man with passions quite gingery
 Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
 	He slapped her behind
@@ -1290,6 +1331,24 @@ Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
 	He's a stunning good fuck,
 For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
 %
+Aboard the good ship Venus,		The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
+The mast it was a penis,		A cunning little nipper,
+	Her figurehead				They filled his ass,
+	A whore in bed,				With broken glass,
+Good grief you should have seen us!	And circumcised the skipper.
+
+The first mate's name was Higgins,	The captain's daughter Mabel,
+And Higgins was a biggins,		They screwed when they were able,
+	Once round the deck,			They nailed her tits,
+	Twice up the mast,			Those nasty shits,
+And the rest was used for riggins'!	Right to the captain's table.
+
+The engineer's name was Carter,		The second mate's name was Andy,
+And Carter was a farter,		By God, he was a dandy,
+	When the wind wouldn't blow,		They broke his cock,
+	And the ship couldn't go,		With chunks of rock,
+Carter the farter would start her!	For conking in the brandy!
+%
 According to experts, the oyster
 In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
 	May frequently be
@@ -1308,6 +1367,31 @@ For his dong was unspeakably long.
 	Quaffed his yard and a half,
 And ecstatically burst into song.
 %
+An AI researcher named Bluth
+Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
+	Eroticon VI,
+	Which he taught certain tricks
+Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
+%
+An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
+Had a fetish involving the net.
+	As he fondled his IMP
+	His cock went from limp
+To as hard as concrete which has set.
+%
+An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
+Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
+	Women are fine
+	And sheep are divine
+But llamas are numero uno."
+%
+An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
+Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
+	Used on Saturday nights
+	To turn down the lights,
+And chase them around with a bludgeon.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
 An aesthete from South Carolina
 Had a cock that tickled like China,
 	But while shooting his load
@@ -1320,12 +1404,6 @@ Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
 	If the fellows insist
 But she really prefers to wear gloves.
 %
-An AI researcher named Bluth
-Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
-	Eroticon VI,
-	Which he taught certain tricks
-Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
-%
 An amazon giantess named Dunne
 Let a midget screw her for fun.
 	But the poor little runt
@@ -1338,6 +1416,13 @@ Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
 	A monk and three tailors,
 Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
 %
+An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
+Saw sartorial changes ahead.
+	His mind kept on ringing
+	With fishy girls singing;
+Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
+		-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
+%
 An anonymous woman we knew
 Was dozing one day in her pew;
 	When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
@@ -1356,18 +1441,6 @@ Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
 	To be wooed in the nude,
 But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
 %
-An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
-	Women are fine
-	And sheep are divine
-But llamas are numero uno."
-%
-An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
-Had a fetish involving the net.
-	As he fondled his IMP
-	His cock went from limp
-To as hard as concrete which has set.
-%
 An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
 Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
 	She was finally the prize
@@ -1392,13 +1465,6 @@ Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
 	But not the young lad
 He didn't expect all that fuss!
 %
-An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
-Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
-	Used on Saturday nights
-	To turn down the lights,
-And chase them around with a bludgeon.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
 An envious girl named McMeanus
 Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
 	It was small consolation
@@ -1523,6 +1589,12 @@ Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
 	And did on her back,
 What he couldn't have done face to face.
 %
+And let me the canakin clink, clink;
+and let me the canakin clink.
+	A soldier's a man;
+	O, man's life's but a span,
+Why then, let a soldier drink.
+%
 And then there's the story that's fraught
 With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
 	When a chap took a crap
@@ -1561,6 +1633,12 @@ Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
 	In the eastertide sun?"
 His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
 %
+At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
+Though of love we are never penurious.
+	Thanks to vulcanized aids,
+	Though we may die old maids,
+At least we shall never die curious.
+%
 At a contest for farting in Butte
 One lady's exertion was cute :
 	It won the diploma
@@ -1573,6 +1651,13 @@ Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
 	Through the skirt of her dress
 And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
 %
+At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
+Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
+	It beats all night long
+	A dirge on a gong
+As it staggers about in the creepers.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
 At the end of all civilization
 Is the planet Terminus's location.
 	There's a girl there whose feat,
@@ -1585,19 +1670,6 @@ A sailor was fucking a whore.
 	`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
 This means months 'til I get back ashore."
 %
-At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
-Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
-	It beats all night long
-	A dirge on a gong
-As it staggers about in the creepers.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
-Though of love we are never penurious.
-	Thanks to vulcanized aids,
-	Though we may die old maids,
-At least we shall never die curious.
-%
 At whist drives and strawberry teas
 Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
 	But when she was alone
@@ -1618,6 +1690,48 @@ The grass served as mattress for madam,
 	On the sex that today
 They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
 %
+Coitus upon a cadaver
+Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
+	Her inanimate state
+	Means a man needn't wait,
+And eliminates all the palaver.
+%
+Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
+I know - you don't have to say that!
+	All you guys want of me
+	Is a poke where I pee,
+And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
+%
+Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
+Homo qui aedificabat.
+	Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
+	Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
+Sed virginem pine necebat.
+%
+Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
+Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
+	She went down on the gents,
+	And pronged the girl's vents
+With a clitoris reaching six inches.
+%
+De Hispanice puella verumque
+Simplex oris verborumque
+	Tulit potens vagina
+	Hominum agmina
+Iterum iterum iterumque.
+%
+Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
+He was blown down the street by a rocket.
+	The force of the blast
+	Blew his balls up his ass,
+And his pecker was found in his pocket.
+%
+DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
+Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
+	And by planned obsolescence,
+	So controlled detumescence,
+A poor man could not get a smell.
+%
 Each Friday his engines abort,
 But Scotty is never caught short.
 	He fills his machines
@@ -1631,11 +1745,47 @@ When he sits on the foot of my bed;
 But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
-Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
-	Said the rector, "My gracious,
-	Has Father Ignatius
-Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
+Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
+Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
+	Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
+	Ich hore Mann kommen."
+"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
+%
+Ethnologists up with the Sioux
+Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
+	The answer next day,
+	Said, "Girls on the way,
+But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
+%
+Exuberant Sue from Anjou
+Found that fucking affected her hue.
+	She presented to sight
+	Nipples pink, bottom white;
+But her asshole was purple and blue.
+%
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the Mobius strip;
+	The strip revolved,
+	The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+%
+Fond of equestrians, Mabel
+Looked for true love in the stable.
+	But she found the studs,
+	For her were all duds,
+Now she's out with the leg of a table.
+%
+For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
+That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
+	But the one remedy
+	For contagious V.D.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.		
+%
+For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
+That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
+	But the one remedy
+	For contagious V.D.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
 %
 From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
 There is really abominable news;
@@ -1644,6 +1794,12 @@ There is really abominable news;
 But nobody seems to know whose.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
+From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
+Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
+	Said the rector, "My gracious,
+	Has Father Ignatius
+Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
+%
 From the bathing machine came a din
 As of jollification within;
 	It was heard far and wide,
@@ -1651,17 +1807,230 @@ As of jollification within;
 Had a definite flavour of gin.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
-Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
-	"Since dating Miss Baugh,
-	My whole tongue has been raw--
-It must have been something I ate."
+Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
+It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
+	It makes you sick, it makes you well,
+	It turns your spine to fucking jell,
+It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
 %
-In the case of a lady named Frost,
-Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
-	It's the best part of valor
-	To bugger the gal, or
-You're apt to fall in and get lost.
+God's plan had a great beginning,
+But man spoiled his chances by sinning
+	We trust that the story
+	Will end in God's glory
+But at present the other side's winning.
+%
+God's plan made a hopeful beginning
+But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
+	We trust that the story
+	Will end in God's glory
+But at present, the other side's winning.
+%
+Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
+Who came to Rumania's rescue?
+	It's a wonderful thing
+	To be under a king--
+Is democracy better, I esk you?
+%
+Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
+Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
+	Some people say,
+	Love finds a way,
+But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
+%
+Have you heard of the lady named Cox
+Who had a capacious old box?
+	When her lover was in place
+	She said, "Please turn your face.
+I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
+%
+Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
+And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
+	How they lift the frock
+	And tickle the cock
+Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
+%
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+	Her husband said, "Vi,
+	When you stitched up his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+%
+He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
+Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
+	Then his gargantuan pole in
+	Her pink, tight, and swollen
+Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
+%
+Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
+Could rotate his pecker, and then
+	He would shoot through his rear
+	Which made him dear
+Of the girls, and the envy of men.
+%
+Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
+Had morals the city might soften.
+	So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
+	Are you living in sin?"
+Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
+%
+His shy bride admitted to Crandall
+That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
+	But a cock like his dick
+	Gave her ten times the kick,
+Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
+%
+I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
+Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
+	I replied, "Simple shagging
+	Without any wagging
+Is only for screwing canoeing."
+%
+I met a young man in Chungking
+Who had a very long thing --
+	But you'll guess my surprise
+	When I found that its size
+Just measured a third-finger ring!
+%
+I never had Miss Defauw,
+But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
+	If she'd only said "No"
+	When I wanted her so;
+But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
+%
+I once had the wife of a Dean
+Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
+	She remarked with some gaiety,
+	"Not bad for the laiety,
+Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
+%
+I once met a lassie named Ruth
+In a long distance telephone booth.
+	Now I know the perfection
+	Of an ideal connection
+Even if somewhat uncouth.
+%
+I once was annoyed by a queer
+Who made his intentions quite clear.
+	Said I, "I'm no prude,
+	So don't think me rude,
+But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
+%
+I wish that my room had a floor;
+I don't so much care for a door,
+	But this walking around
+	Without touching the ground
+Is getting to be quite a bore!
+		-- Gelett Burgess
+%
+I wish that my room had a floor;
+I don't so much care for a door,
+	But this walking around
+	Without touching the ground
+Is getting to be quite a bore! 
+		-- Gelett Burgess
+%
+I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
+Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
+	I wonder can she tell
+	That I've been raising hell;
+Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
+
+My wife is just as nice as can be,
+I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
+	For an afternoon of joy,
+	Is hell on the old boy,
+I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
+%
+I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
+I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
+	She said it was crude
+	To be wooed in the nude--
+I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
+%
+I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
+I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
+	And in all my lewd life
+	I've met none like your wife,
+So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
+%
+I'd rather have fingers than toes,
+I'd rather have ears than a nose,
+	And a happy erection
+	Brought just to perfection
+Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
+%
+If continence causes neurosis
+And intercourse causes thrombosis
+	I'd rather expire
+	Fulfilling desire
+Than live in a state of psychosis.
+%
+If you're speaking of actions immoral
+The how about giving the laurel
+	To doughty Queen Esther,
+	No three men could best her --
+One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
+%
+If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
+Employ first-order predicate calculus.
+	With sufficient formality,
+	The sheerest banality,
+Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
+%
+Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
+D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
+	Il la mene chaque soir
+	A son caveau noir
+Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
+Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
+	Il dit:"quant a' moi,
+	Je deteste tous les trois,
+Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
+%
+Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
+Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
+	Dit-elle, "Arretez!
+	J'entends quelqu'un venait."
+Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
+%
+Il y avait une madame de Lahore
+Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
+	Mais la vagine tres forte,
+	Toujours ouverte la porte,
+Encore, et encore, et encore.
+%
+In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
+Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
+	But this lubricant lapse
+	Isn't noticed, perhaps
+Because nobody does in Duluth.
+%
+In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
+Was the first time I ever laid down,
+	I was both proud and shy
+	As he opened his fly
+And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
+
+Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
+As it went in I made not a sound,
+	The more that he shoved it
+	The more that I loved it,
+As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
+%
+In my sweet little night gown of blue,
+On the first night that I slept with you,
+	I was both shy and scared
+	As the bed was prepared,
+And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
+
+As we both watched the break of day,
+And in peaceful submission I lay,
+	You said you adored it
+	But dammit, you tore it,
+My sweet little night gown of blue.
 %
 In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
 Complacently stroking his madam,
@@ -1669,6 +2038,12 @@ Complacently stroking his madam,
 	For on all of the earth
 There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
 %
+In the case of a lady named Frost,
+Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
+	It's the best part of valor
+	To bugger the gal, or
+You're apt to fall in and get lost.
+%
 In the little French town of Le'Beau,
 Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
 	At a masquerade ball,
@@ -1687,6 +2062,482 @@ Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
 	She fondled him gently,
 And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
 %
+It takes little strain and no art
+To bang out an echoing fart.
+	The reaction is hearty
+	When you fart at a party,
+But the sensitive persons depart.
+%
+Love letters no longer they write us,
+To their homes they so seldom invite us.
+	It grieves me to say,
+	They have learned with dismay,
+We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
+%
+Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
+She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
+	If you want to get laid,
+	Then we'll have to tribade!"
+(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
+%
+McCoy's a seducer galore,
+And of virgins he has quite a score.
+	He tells them, "My dear,
+	You're the Final Frontier,
+Where man never has gone before."
+%
+Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
+Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
+	When he's under the weather
+	They can't get together,
+So others get into her box.
+%
+My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+	I'm covered with sweat,
+	And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+		-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+%
+Oden the bardling averred
+His muse was the bum of a bird,
+	And his Lesbian wife
+	Would finger his fife
+While Fisherwood waited as third.
+%
+Of his face she thought not very much,
+But then, at the very first touch,
+	Her attitude shifted --
+	He was terribly gifted
+At frigging and fucking and such.
+%
+Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
+He tried to make love to a puma.
+	Seems the puma, in play,
+	Tore his testes away -
+- An example of animal huma.
+%
+Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
+He tried to make love to a puma.
+	Seems the puma, in play,
+	Tore his testes away --
+An example of animal huma.
+%
+Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
+Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
+	The poor wench doth stammer,
+	"I need a sledgehammer
+To pound a man into my vent."
+%
+On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
+Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
+	Not russian elite-
+	She's eager to eat
+Whatever or whoever lays her.
+%
+On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
+The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
+	"Aha!" said the mate,
+	"That settles the fate
+Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
+%
+On day a Monterey daughter
+Did scuba down under the water.
+	She later turned up
+	The mom of a pup,
+And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
+%
+On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
+Was tattooed the price of her tail
+	And on her behind,
+	For the sake of the blind,
+Was the same information in Braille.
+%
+On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
+His girl got a yen for fellatio.
+	As she sucked on his dingus
+	He tried cunnilingus
+But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
+%
+Once a young gay from Khartoum,
+Took a lesbian up to his room.
+	They argued all night
+	Over who had the right
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+%
+Once was a hooker named Gail,
+Busted and sent-off to jail,
+	She liked the jailer,
+	He wanted to nail her,
+So Gail made bail with her tail.
+%
+One evening a guru had coitus
+With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
+	When asked what position
+	He used for coition,
+He answered serenely, "the loetus."
+%
+One evening a guru had coitus
+With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
+	When asked what position
+	He used for coition,
+He answered serenely, "the lotus."
+%
+One night a girl had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+	His enormous red whang
+	Gave her a wonderful bang --
+She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
+%
+One night a girl had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+	Then she picked up his hat
+	And realized that
+She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
+%
+Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
+Has invented a new kind of car.
+	With a tank full of shit
+	There's no stopping it --
+For short trips, two poots take you far.
+%
+Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
+Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
+	At her first sight of one
+	She started to run,
+And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
+%
+Pour guerir un acces de fievre
+Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
+	Il le prit a son trou,
+	Et fit faire un ragout
+Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
+	Let V be virginity
+	Approaching infinity;
+Let P be a constant persuasion;
+
+"Let V over P be inverted
+With the square root of Mu inserted
+	N times into V ...
+	The result, Q.E.D.,
+Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
+%
+Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
+Is leading me straight to perdition;
+	But I haven't the strength
+	To go to the length
+Of making an act of contrition."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Said President Jobcock one day :
+"War's better than love, I should say.
+	Instead of a virgin,
+	It's murder I'm urgin'--
+You get lots more blood that-a-way."
+%
+Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
+"The men like to spread my two legs,
+	Then slip in between,
+	If you know what I mean,
+And leave me the white of their eggs."
+%
+Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
+"This has been a most wonderful day.
+	Three cherry tarts,
+	At least twenty farts,
+Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
+%
+Said a girl who upon her divan
+Was attacked by a virile young man:
+	"Such excess of passion
+	Is quite out of fashion"
+And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
+"What care I for this shortage of gum?
+	My favorite chew
+	Is a condom or two,
+With a goodly amount of fresh come."
+%
+Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
+"My favorite sport is coitus."
+	But a fullback from State,
+	Made her period late,
+And now she has athlete's fetus.
+%
+Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
+When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
+	"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
+	And tease it, and please it,
+For Rome wasn't built in a day."
+%
+Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
+Of all the girls that I've had,
+	None gave me the thrill
+	Of real rapture until
+I learned how to be a tribade."
+%
+Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
+To a sailor just off of a barge,
+	"We have one girl that's dead,
+	With a hole in her head--
+Of course there's a slight extra charge."
+%
+Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
+I'm simply too shy and afraid
+	To take part in your pranks.
+	But to show you my thanks,
+I'd just love to become your first aide.
+%
+Said a pornographistic young poet
+"Although I perhaps do not show it,
+	My interest in sin
+	Is wearing quite thin,
+And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+	"Try as hard as I can,
+	 I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
+%
+Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
+"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
+	Uhura said, "No,
+	At night that's not so--
+He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
+%
+Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
+"Only infidel dogs put it in.
+	Back home in Arabia
+	We nibble the labia
+Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
+%
+Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
+"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
+	I replied with some wit,
+	"Do you belch when you shit?"
+I think that was one up for me.
+%
+Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
+In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
+	"This nautch is delicious,
+	 And without doubt nutritious.
+She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
+%
+Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
+"This must be our final adieu,
+	For the vicar is slicker,
+	And thicker, and quicker,
+And two inches longer than you."
+%
+Saint Peter was once heard to boast
+That he'd had all the heavenly host :
+	The Father and Son,
+	And then - just for fun -
+The hole in the Holy Ghost.
+%
+Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
+"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
+	To a muffer's delight,
+	I'll take head on a flight,
+So the guy can have pie in the sky."
+%
+She begged and she pleaded for more.
+I said, "We've already had four,
+	And I'm sure that you've heard,
+	Though it's somewhat absurd,
+That eros spelt backwards is sore."
+%
+She made a thing of soft leather,
+And topped off the end with a feather.
+	When she poked it inside her
+	She took off like a glider,
+And gave up her lover forever.
+%
+She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
+And begged for a bang : goodness knows
+	I am surely impure
+	And I sizzled to scrure,
+But the push had gone out of my hose.
+%
+She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
+When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
+	Now she's lying in the grass,
+	With the muffler up her ass,
+And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
+%
+She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
+Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
+	But she knew, just before
+	She opened the door,
+This same Mr. had kr. sr.
+%
+She wasn't what one could call pretty
+And other girls offered her pity,
+	So nobody guessed
+	That her Wasserman test
+Involved half the men in the city.
+%
+Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
+"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
+	Plus the yen, but the men
+	Only call now and then--
+Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
+%
+So here was this fellow of Strensall
+Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
+	Anemic, 'tis true,
+	But an interesting screw,
+Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
+%
+Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
+She obliges all who accost her.
+	She welcomes the prick
+	Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
+Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
+%
+That Harvard don down at El Djim --
+Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
+	With the whole harem randy,
+	The sheik himself handy,
+To muss up a young camel's quim.
+%
+That naughty old Sappho of Greece
+Said: "What I prefer to a piece
+	Is to have my pudenda
+	Rubbed hard by the enda
+The little pink nose of my niece."
+%
+The Dowager Duchess of Spout
+Collapsed at the height of a rout;
+	She found strength to say
+	As they bore her away:
+"I should never have taken the trout."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The Enterprise crew when off work
+Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
+	Uhura the Zulu
+	Is shacked up with Sulu,
+And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
+%
+The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
+Have chased Spock for several years.
+	His look of disdain
+	Has spared them great pain,
+For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
+%
+The Grecians were famed for fine art,
+And buildings and stonework so smart.
+	They distinguished with poise
+	The men from the boys,
+And used crowbars to keep them apart.
+%
+The King named Oedipus Rex
+Who started this fuss about sex
+	Put the world to great pains
+	By the spots and the stains
+Which he made on his mother's pubex.
+%
+The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
+To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
+	And cried, "Oh, my dear,
+	I am coming, I fear,
+But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a girl a most elegant creature.
+	So she laid on her back
+	And, exposing her crack,
+Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a hen a most elegant creature.
+	The hen, pleased with that,
+	Laid an egg in his hat --
+And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
+		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+The Shah of the Empire of Persia
+Lay for days in a sexual merger.
+	When the nautch asked the Shah,
+	"Won't you ever withdraw?"
+He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
+%
+The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
+And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
+	He caught a big mouse
+	Which he loosed in the house.
+(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
+%
+The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
+Do an act in the nude on their knees.
+	They crawl down the aisle
+	While screwing dog-style,
+As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
+%
+The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
+Fell into the water baptismal;
+	Ere they'd gathered its plight,
+	It had sunk out of sight,
+For the depth of the font was abysmal.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
+They have kept me awake for a week.
+	Why do newlyweds
+	Select squeaky beds
+To develop their fucking technique?
+%
+The bishop of Alexandretta
+Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
+	So he thought he'd enshrine her
+	As the Holy Vagina
+In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
+%
+The bustard's a remarkable fowl
+With surely no reason to growl
+	He escapes what would be
+	Illegitimacy
+By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
+%
+The cruelest of creatures' the crab
+With claws that can pinch you or stab,
+	And then when you dine
+	On crab and white wine
+It gets you as well with the tab.
+%
+The fearless old bishop of Brest
+Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
+	He fucked whores in the apse
+	With chancres and claps,
+But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
+%
+The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
+Came to light with its face in its belly;
+	Her second was born
+	With a hump and a horn,
+And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The genital area of Ann
+Will accommodate any size man,
+	From the wee that cause titters
+	To the mighty twat-splitters
+That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
+%
+The kings of Peru were the Incas,
+Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
+	They worshipped the sun
+	And had lots of fun,
+But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
+%
 The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
 No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
 	Where ten thousand virgins
@@ -1699,12 +2550,6 @@ State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
 	From the top of one tree
 To the top of the next -- what a scope!
 %
-The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
-Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
-	Once Congress in session,
-	Declared its suppression,
-But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
-%
 The limerick is furtive and mean;
 You must keep her in close quarantine,
 	Or she sneaks to the slums
@@ -1712,18 +2557,200 @@ You must keep her in close quarantine,
 Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
 		-- Morris Bishop
 %
+The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
+Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
+	Once Congress in session,
+	Declared its suppression,
+But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
+%
+The moyel who treated young Alec
+Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
+	Presented the child
+	His aim was so wild
+He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
+%
+The new cinematic emporium
+Is not just a super-sensorium,
+	But a highly effectual
+	Heterosexual
+Mutual masturbatorium.
+%
+The new local cinematorium
+Is not only a super sensorium,
+	But a highly effectual
+	Heterosexual
+Mutual masturbatorium.
+%
+The nipples of Sarah Sarong
+When excited are twelve inches long
+	This embarrassed her lover 
+	Who was pained to discover
+She expected no less of his dong
+%
+The notorious Duchess of Peels
+Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
+	Said she, "Would you mind? --
+	Shove one up my behind.
+I am anxious to know how it feels."
+%
+The office brown-noser named Bunky
+Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
+	But when the chips were all down,
+	His proboscis was brown,
+And there hung many strands which were gunky.
+%
 The old archeologist, Throstle,
 Discovered a marvelous fossil.
 	He knew from its bend
 	And the knot on the end,
 T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
 %
+The once was a man from Bombay
+Who modeled his cunts out of clay
+	So hot was his prick
+	That he turned them to brick
+And rubbed all his foreskin away.
+%
+The partition of Vavasour Scowles
+Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
+	In a firkin; his brain
+	Was found clogging a drain,
+And his toes were inside of some towels.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The prick of the engineer, Scott,
+Fell off from Saturnian rot.
+	He went to the basement
+	And made a replacement
+Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
+%
+The randy old Bey of Algiers
+Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
+	Tried a cunt for a change,
+	And remarked : "It felt strange ...
+Just think what I've missed all these years!"
+%
+The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
+At breakfast with horrid dismay,
+	So he launched off the spoons
+	The pits from his prunes
+At their heads as they neared the buffet.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
+Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
+	That when posed on her toes
+	She elaborately shows
+Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
+%
+The spouse of a pretty young thing
+Came home from the wars in the spring.
+	He was lame but he came
+	With his dame like a flame --
+A discharge is a wonderful thing.
+%
+The star of that X-rated hit
+Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
+	This serves as a palace
+	For each turgid phallus--
+Some say that the plot is pure shit.
+%
+The wife of young Richard of Limerick
+Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
+	Still grows in diameter
+	Each time that you ram at her;
+How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
+%
+The woman who lives on the moon
+Is still cherishing the balloon
+	Of an earthling who'd come
+	And given her some,
+But had dribbled away all too soon.
+%
+The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
+Is not merely reading a meter.
+	By orders of Kirk
+	A part of his work
+Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
+%
+The world is so full of a number of things,
+I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
+	I'll tell you a story--
+	It won't take me long--
+Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
+
+There was an old fellow and what do you think?
+He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
+	He whacked it, he hacked it,
+	He ate it with glee-
+Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
+
+This charming old chap had a sister as well :
+She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
+	Her cunt was so dirty
+	It stank like a beast,
+And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
+
+What a wonderful family!  What marvellous style!
+I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
+	Their odor and diet
+	Won't soon be forgotten,
+And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
+%
 There a young man from the Coast
 Who had an affair with a ghost.
 	At the height of orgasm
 	Said the pallid phantasm,
 "I think I can feel it -- almost!"
 %
+There are some things we mustn't expose,
+So we hide them away in our clothes.
+	Oh, it's shocking to stare
+	At what's certainly there--
+But why this is so, heaven knows.
+%
+There is a young faggot named Mose
+Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
+	And you'll double the joy
+	Of this lecherous boy
+If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
+%
+There is a young lady named Aird,
+Whose bottom is always kept bared.
+	When asked why she pouts,
+	She says "The Boy Scouts,
+All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
+%
+There once was a Duchess of Beever
+Who slept with her golden retriever.
+	Said the potted old Duke :
+	"Such tricks make me puke!
+Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
+%
+There once was a Duchess of Bruges
+Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
+	Said the king to this dame
+	As he thunderously came:
+"Mon Dieu!  Apres moi, le deluge!"
+%
+There once was a Scot named McAmeter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+	It was not the size
+	That cause such surprise;
+'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
+%
+There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
+Discovered his sex life was hapless:
+	The more he would screw
+	The more he'd want to,
+And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
+%
+There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
+Whose gender was kept in the dark.
+	He/she/it said with a nod,
+	"My ancestors were odd!"
+Did Noah need two for the ark?
+%
 There once was a bishop from Birmingham
 Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
 	As they knelt on the hassock
@@ -1772,18 +2799,6 @@ Who saw all his patients alone.
 	He filled the wrong cavity,
 And my, how his practice has grown!
 %
-There once was a Duchess of Beever
-Who slept with her golden retriever.
-	Said the potted old Duke :
-	"Such tricks make me puke!
-Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Bruges
-Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
-	Said the king to this dame
-	As he thunderously came:
-"Mon Dieu!  Apres moi, le deluge!"
-%
 There once was a fairy named Avers
 Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
 	Though buggers all claimed
@@ -2200,12 +3215,6 @@ A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
 	In a basket, aloft,
 Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
 %
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
-	It was not the size
-	That cause such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
 There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
 Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
 	Yet the girls he would dazzle,
@@ -2218,18 +3227,6 @@ Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
 	Whose name was Uhura
 Just fainted away from the shock.
 %
-There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
-Discovered his sex life was hapless:
-	The more he would screw
-	The more he'd want to,
-And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
-%
-There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
-Whose gender was kept in the dark.
-	He/she/it said with a nod,
-	"My ancestors were odd!"
-Did Noah need two for the ark?
-%
 There once was a whore from Regina
 Who had a stupendous vagina.
 	To save herself time,
@@ -2414,6 +3411,24 @@ Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
 	She would shoot LSD,
 And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
 %
+There was a young German named Ringer
+Who was screwing an opera singer.
+	Said he with a grin,
+	"Well, I've sure got it in!"
+Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
+%
+There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
+Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
+	Perceiving his error,
+	The Rabbi in terror
+Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
+%
+There was a young Scot in Madrid
+Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
+	When they said, "Are you faint?"
+	He replied, "No, I ain't,
+But I don't feel as good as I did."
+%
 There was a young belle of old Natchez
 Whose garments were always in patchez.
 	When comment arose
@@ -2426,18 +3441,18 @@ Whose bush did so greatly increase
 	He must hunt needle in stack.
 'Twas as bad as being obese.
 %
-There was a young bride, a Canuck,
-Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
-	You say that I, maybe,
-	Can have my first baby--
-Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
-%
 There was a young bride of Antigua
 Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
 	Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
 	Why, you've only felt my twot,
 My legs and my arse and my figua!"
 %
+There was a young bride, a Canuck,
+Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
+	You say that I, maybe,
+	Can have my first baby--
+Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
+%
 There was a young chap in Arabia
 Who courted a widow named Fabia.
 	"Yes, my tongue is as long
@@ -2575,12 +3590,6 @@ Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
 	And to suck it took art,
 While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
 %
-There was a young fellow named dick
-Who had a magnificent prick.
-	It was shaped like a prism
-	And shot so much gism
-It made every cocksucker sick.
-%
 There was a young fellow named Feeney
 Whose girl was a terrible meany.
 	The hatch of her snatch
@@ -2715,6 +3724,12 @@ Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
 	Had a catch that would latch,
 She could only be screwed by Houdini.
 %
+There was a young fellow named dick
+Who had a magnificent prick.
+	It was shaped like a prism
+	And shot so much gism
+It made every cocksucker sick.
+%
 There was a young fellow of Burma
 Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
 	But now that he's married he's
@@ -2787,12 +3802,6 @@ Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
 	And children devine,
 But the llama is numero uno."
 %
-There was a young German named Ringer
-Who was screwing an opera singer.
-	Said he with a grin,
-	"Well, I've sure got it in!"
-Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
-%
 There was a young girl from Annista
 Who dated a lecherous mister.
 	He fondled her titty,
@@ -3113,12 +4122,6 @@ Whose people all thought her a virgin,
 	With her twat very red,
 And the head of a kid just emergin'.
 %
-There was a young girl, very sweet,
-Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
-	When she sat on their lap
-	She unbuttoned their flap,
-And always had plenty to eat.
-%
 There was a young girl who begat
 Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
 	T'was fun in the breeding
@@ -3131,6 +4134,12 @@ Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
 	But hell in the feeding,
 When she found there was no tit for Tat.
 %
+There was a young girl, very sweet,
+Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
+	When she sat on their lap
+	She unbuttoned their flap,
+And always had plenty to eat.
+%
 There was a young harlot from Kew
 Who filled her vagina with glue.
 	She said with a grin,
@@ -3161,12 +4170,6 @@ Made a fortune performing at stud,
 	A double-beat metre,
 And a load like the Biblical Flood.
 %
-There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
-Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
-	Perceiving his error,
-	The Rabbi in terror
-Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
-%
 There was a young lad - name of Durcan
 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
 	His father said, "Durcan
@@ -3647,12 +4650,6 @@ And her lover before her was kneeling.
 	Take your hands off my quim;
 I much prefer fucking to feeling."
 %
-There was a young lady of fashion
-Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
-	To her lover she said,
-	As  they climbed into bed,
-"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
-%
 There was a young lady of Fez
 Who was known to the public as "Jez."
 	Jezebel was her name,
@@ -3671,18 +4668,18 @@ Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
 	Made tracks to her rump--
 This passing parade did amaze her.
 %
-There was a young lady of Gloucester,
-Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
-	She wasn't much hurt,
-	But he dirtied her skirt,
-So think of the anguish it cost her.
-%
 There was a young lady of Gloucester
 Whose friends they thought they had lost her
 	Till they found on the grass
 	The marks of her arse,
 And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
 %
+There was a young lady of Gloucester,
+Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
+	She wasn't much hurt,
+	But he dirtied her skirt,
+So think of the anguish it cost her.
+%
 There was a young lady of Kent,
 Who admitted she knew what it meant
 	When men asked her to dine,
@@ -3761,6 +4758,12 @@ Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
 	Just touched her clitoris,
 And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
 %
+There was a young lady of fashion
+Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
+	To her lover she said,
+	As  they climbed into bed,
+"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
+%
 There was a young lady who said,
 As her bridegroom got into the bed,
 	"I'm tired of this stunt,
@@ -3821,12 +4824,6 @@ Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
 	He would tune up his ass,
 Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
 %
-A potter who lived in Bombay
-Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
-	But the heat of his prick
-	Kilned the damn thing to brick
-And chafed all his foreskin away.
-%
 There was a young man from Boston
 Who rode around in an Austin.
 	There was room for his ass
@@ -3989,19 +4986,6 @@ Whose penis rose higher and higher,
 	It was quite out of sight --
 But of course you know I'm a liar.
 %
-There was a young man, name of Fred,
-Who spent every Thursday in bed;
-	He lay with his feet
-	Outside of the sheet,
-And the pillows on top of his head.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young man, name of Saul,
-Who was able to bounce either ball,
-	He could stretch them and snap them,
-	And juggle and clap them,
-Which earned him the plaudits of all.
-%
 There was a young man named Crockett
 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
 	His wife was a bitch,
@@ -4134,17 +5118,11 @@ Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
 	That it wound round a spool,
 And he let it out inach by inach.
 %
-There was a young man of high station
-Who was found by a pious relation
-	Making love in a ditch
-	To -- I won't say a bitch --
-But a woman of no reputation.
-%
-Once a young gay from Khartoum,
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
-	They argued all night
-	Over who had the right
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+There was a young man of Khartoum
+Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
+	He not only fucked her,
+	But buggered and sucked her--
+And left her to pay for the room.
 %
 There was a young man of Khartoum,
 The strength of whose balls was his doom.
@@ -4152,12 +5130,6 @@ The strength of whose balls was his doom.
 	The third law of Newton
 Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
 %
-There was a young man of Khartoum
-Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
-	He not only fucked her,
-	But buggered and sucked her--
-And left her to pay for the room.
-%
 There was a young man of Kildare
 Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
 	The bannister broke,
@@ -4248,6 +5220,12 @@ Who had a deficient prepuce,
 	He made up in his sac;
 The result was, his balls were too loose.
 %
+There was a young man of high station
+Who was found by a pious relation
+	Making love in a ditch
+	To -- I won't say a bitch --
+But a woman of no reputation.
+%
 There was a young man who appeared
 To his friends with a full growth of beard;
 	They at once said, "Although
@@ -4291,6 +5269,19 @@ Who had a very long root.
 	As an extra leg
 Is a question exceedingly moot.
 %
+There was a young man, name of Fred,
+Who spent every Thursday in bed;
+	He lay with his feet
+	Outside of the sheet,
+And the pillows on top of his head.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young man, name of Saul,
+Who was able to bounce either ball,
+	He could stretch them and snap them,
+	And juggle and clap them,
+Which earned him the plaudits of all.
+%
 There was a young miss from Johore
 Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
 	In a manner uncanny
@@ -4375,12 +5366,6 @@ Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
 	From her partner's warm slit,
 In the most approved lesbian manner.
 %
-There was a young Scot in Madrid
-Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
-	When they said, "Are you faint?"
-	He replied, "No, I ain't,
-But I don't feel as good as I did."
-%
 There was a young soldier from Munich
 Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
 	And their chops girls would lick
@@ -4492,12 +5477,6 @@ Amusing herself in the loft,
 	Is what I'd choose first --
 With bologna you know you've been boffed."
 %
-There was a young woman, quite handsome,
-Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
-	When she offered much gold
-	For release, she was told
-That the view was worth more than the ransom.
-%
 There was a young woman whose stammer
 Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
 	But they were not improved
@@ -4505,6 +5484,24 @@ Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
 To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
+There was a young woman, quite handsome,
+Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
+	When she offered much gold
+	For release, she was told
+That the view was worth more than the ransom.
+%
+There was an Old Man of the Mountain
+Who frigged himself into a fountain
+	Fifteen times had he spent,
+	Still he wasn't content,
+He simply got tired of the counting.
+%
+There was an old Scot named McTavish
+Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
+	The object of rape
+	Was the wrong sex of ape,
+And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
+%
 There was an old abbess quite shocked
 To find nuns where the candles were locked.
 	Said the abbess, "You nuns
@@ -4619,12 +5616,6 @@ Whose son was incredibly dumb.
 	He went down instead,
 For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
 %
-Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
-"What care I for this shortage of gum?
-	My favorite chew
-	Is a condom or two,
-With a goodly amount of fresh come."
-%
 There was an old man of Alsace
 Who played the trombone with his ass.
 	He put in a trap
@@ -4686,12 +5677,6 @@ Whose tool was a yard long or more,
 	In a surgical sling
 To keep it from wiping the floor.
 %
-There was an Old Man of the Mountain
-Who frigged himself into a fountain
-	Fifteen times had he spent,
-	Still he wasn't content,
-He simply got tired of the counting.
-%
 There was an old man of the port
 Whose prick was remarkably short.
 	When he got into bed,
@@ -4734,12 +5719,6 @@ Whose prick had a left handed tack.
 	Don't spin when he shoves,
 Their cervixes frequently crack.
 %
-There was an old Scot named McTavish
-Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
-	The object of rape
-	Was the wrong sex of ape,
-And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
-%
 There was an old whore from Silesia
 Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
 	For a slight extra sum
@@ -4893,12 +5872,6 @@ Lay all of his life on his back,
 	And the pilgrims now stare
 At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
 %
-'Tis a custom in Castellamare
-To fuck in the back of a lorry.
-	The chassis and springs
-	Are like woodwinds and strings
-In the midst of a musical soiree.
-%
 To a weepy young woman in Thrums
 Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
 	Of allowing your tears
@@ -4979,6 +5952,13 @@ Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
 	And wished they had more skins,
 They discovered they'd both become hens.
 %
+Un moine au milieu de la messe		A monk in the middle of mass
+S'eleva et cria en detresse;		Stood up and cried out in distress;
+	"La vie religieuse,			"The religious life
+	C'est sale et affreuse,"		Is dirty and horrid,"
+Et se poignarda dans les fesses.	And stabbed himself in the ass.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
 Under the spreading chestnut tree
 The village smith he sat,
 	Amusing himself
@@ -5003,6 +5983,54 @@ The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
 	Willing, thrilling, and hot,
 That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
 %
+We sailed on the good ship Venus,
+My God, you should have seen us
+	With a figurehead
+	Of a whore in bed
+And the mast an upright penis
+
+The captain of the lugger
+Was known as a filthy bugger
+	Declared unfit
+	To shovel shit
+From one ship to another
+
+The first mate's name was Cooper,
+By god he was a trooper
+	He jerked and jerked
+	Until he worked
+Himself into a stupor
+
+The cabin boy was chipper,
+A dandy little nipper
+	He shoved cracked glass
+	Inside his ass
+And circumcised the skipper
+
+The captain's wife was Charlotte,
+Born and bred a harlot
+	Her thighs at night
+	Were lily white
+By morning they were scarlet
+
+The captain's youngest daughter
+Slipped into the water
+	Her plaintive squeals
+	Announced that eels
+Had found her sexual quarter
+
+The ship's dog's name was Rover,
+They turned the poor beast over
+	And ground and ground
+	That faithful hound
+From Tenerife to Dover
+%
+Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
+By all of the lads in his class
+	He said, with a yawn,
+	"Now the novelty's gone
+And it's only a pain in the ass."
+%
 When I was a baby, my penis
 Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
 	But now 'tis as red
@@ -5021,6 +6049,18 @@ You get a great bossom bonanza:
 	Makes her throw fifty fits,
 And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
 %
+While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
+Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
+	She explained, "They are flat,
+	But think nothing of that --
+You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
+%
+While Titian was mixing rose madder,
+His model reclined on a ladder.
+	Her position to Titian
+	Suggested coition,
+So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
+%
 While his duchess lay practically dead,
 The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
 	"Can it be this is all?
@@ -5028,12 +6068,6 @@ The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
 Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
-Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
-	She explained, "They are flat,
-	But think nothing of that --
-You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
-%
 While out on a date in his Fiat,
 The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
 	As he bent down to seek,
@@ -5046,12 +6080,6 @@ Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
 	And the second-cook laid her;
 The waiters were all hanging low.
 %
-While Titian was mixing rose madder,
-His model reclined on a ladder.
-	Her position to Titian
-	Suggested coition,
-So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
-%
 While travelling in farthest Tibet,
 Lord Irongate found cause to regret
 	The buttered-up tea,
@@ -5077,1088 +6105,17 @@ But dependent on men you must be:
 	With a rod firm and trim,
 To puggle your water-drains free!
 %
-Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
-To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
-	If you'll come to my palace,
-	I'll finger your phallus,
-And then I shall blow on your flute."
-%
 You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
 Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
 	He buggers the choir
 	As they sing "Ave Maria,"
 And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
 %
-On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
-Was tattooed the price of her tail
-	And on her behind,
-	For the sake of the blind,
-Was the same information in Braille.
-%
-On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
-His girl got a yen for fellatio.
-	As she sucked on his dingus
-	He tried cunnilingus
-But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
-%
-On day a Monterey daughter
-Did scuba down under the water.
-	She later turned up
-	The mom of a pup,
-And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
-%
-Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
-"The men like to spread my two legs,
-	Then slip in between,
-	If you know what I mean,
-And leave me the white of their eggs."
-%
-Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
-"This has been a most wonderful day.
-	Three cherry tarts,
-	At least twenty farts,
-Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
-%
-Said a girl who upon her divan
-Was attacked by a virile young man:
-	"Such excess of passion
-	Is quite out of fashion"
-And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
-	But a fullback from State,
-	Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus.
-%
-Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
-When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
-	"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
-	And tease it, and please it,
-For Rome wasn't built in a day."
-%
-Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
-Of all the girls that I've had,
-	None gave me the thrill
-	Of real rapture until
-I learned how to be a tribade."
-%
-Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
-To a sailor just off of a barge,
-	"We have one girl that's dead,
-	With a hole in her head--
-Of course there's a slight extra charge."
-%
-Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
-I'm simply too shy and afraid
-	To take part in your pranks.
-	But to show you my thanks,
-I'd just love to become your first aide.
-%
-Said a pornographistic young poet
-"Although I perhaps do not show it,
-	My interest in sin
-	Is wearing quite thin,
-And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
-	"Try as hard as I can,
-	 I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
-%
-Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
-"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
-	Uhura said, "No,
-	At night that's not so--
-He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
-	Let V be virginity
-	Approaching infinity;
-Let P be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let V over P be inverted
-With the square root of Mu inserted
-	N times into V ...
-	The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-%
-Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
-Is leading me straight to perdition;
-	But I haven't the strength
-	To go to the length
-Of making an act of contrition."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Said President Jobcock one day :
-"War's better than love, I should say.
-	Instead of a virgin,
-	It's murder I'm urgin'--
-You get lots more blood that-a-way."
-%
-Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
-"Only infidel dogs put it in.
-	Back home in Arabia
-	We nibble the labia
-Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
-%
-Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
-In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
-	"This nautch is delicious,
-	 And without doubt nutritious.
-She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
-%
-Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
-"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
-	I replied with some wit,
-	"Do you belch when you shit?"
-I think that was one up for me.
-%
-Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
-"This must be our final adieu,
-	For the vicar is slicker,
-	And thicker, and quicker,
-And two inches longer than you."
-%
-Saint Peter was once heard to boast
-That he'd had all the heavenly host :
-	The Father and Son,
-	And then - just for fun -
-The hole in the Holy Ghost.
-%
-The Enterprise crew when off work
-Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
-	Uhura the Zulu
-	Is shacked up with Sulu,
-And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
-%
-The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
-Have chased Spock for several years.
-	His look of disdain
-	Has spared them great pain,
-For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
-%
-The Dowager Duchess of Spout
-Collapsed at the height of a rout;
-	She found strength to say
-	As they bore her away:
-"I should never have taken the trout."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The cruelest of creatures' the crab
-With claws that can pinch you or stab,
-	And then when you dine
-	On crab and white wine
-It gets you as well with the tab.
-%
-The bustard's a remarkable fowl
-With surely no reason to growl
-	He escapes what would be
-	Illegitimacy
-By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
-%
-The bishop of Alexandretta
-Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
-	So he thought he'd enshrine her
-	As the Holy Vagina
-In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
-%
-The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
-They have kept me awake for a week.
-	Why do newlyweds
-	Select squeaky beds
-To develop their fucking technique?
-%
-That Harvard don down at El Djim --
-Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
-	With the whole harem randy,
-	The sheik himself handy,
-To muss up a young camel's quim.
-%
-That naughty old Sappho of Greece
-Said: "What I prefer to a piece
-	Is to have my pudenda
-	Rubbed hard by the enda
-The little pink nose of my niece."
-%
-The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
-Do an act in the nude on their knees.
-	They crawl down the aisle
-	While screwing dog-style,
-As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
-%
-The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
-Fell into the water baptismal;
-	Ere they'd gathered its plight,
-	It had sunk out of sight,
-For the depth of the font was abysmal.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
-She obliges all who accost her.
-	She welcomes the prick
-	Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
-Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
-%
-The fearless old bishop of Brest
-Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
-	He fucked whores in the apse
-	With chancres and claps,
-But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
-%
-The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
-Came to light with its face in its belly;
-	Her second was born
-	With a hump and a horn,
-And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The genital area of Ann
-Will accommodate any size man,
-	From the wee that cause titters
-	To the mighty twat-splitters
-That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
-%
-The Grecians were famed for fine art,
-And buildings and stonework so smart.
-	They distinguished with poise
-	The men from the boys,
-And used crowbars to keep them apart.
-%
-The King named Oedipus Rex
-Who started this fuss about sex
-	Put the world to great pains
-	By the spots and the stains
-Which he made on his mother's pubex.
-%
-The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
-To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
-	And cried, "Oh, my dear,
-	I am coming, I fear,
-But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
-%
-The kings of Peru were the Incas,
-Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
-	They worshipped the sun
-	And had lots of fun,
-But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
-%
-The moyel who treated young Alec
-Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
-	Presented the child
-	His aim was so wild
-He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
-%
-The new cinematic emporium
-Is not just a super-sensorium,
-	But a highly effectual
-	Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
-%
-The new local cinematorium
-Is not only a super sensorium,
-	But a highly effectual
-	Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
-%
-The nipples of Sarah Sarong
-When excited are twelve inches long
-	This embarrassed her lover 
-	Who was pained to discover
-She expected no less of his dong
-%
-The notorious Duchess of Peels
-Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
-	Said she, "Would you mind? --
-	Shove one up my behind.
-I am anxious to know how it feels."
-%
-The office brown-noser named Bunky
-Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
-	But when the chips were all down,
-	His proboscis was brown,
-And there hung many strands which were gunky.
-%
-The old archeologist, Throstle,
-Discovered a marvelous fossil.
-	He knew from its bend
-	And the knot on the end,
-T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-The once was a man from Bombay
-Who modeled his cunts out of clay
-	So hot was his prick
-	That he turned them to brick
-And rubbed all his foreskin away.
-%
-The partition of Vavasour Scowles
-Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
-	In a firkin; his brain
-	Was found clogging a drain,
-And his toes were inside of some towels.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The prick of the engineer, Scott,
-Fell off from Saturnian rot.
-	He went to the basement
-	And made a replacement
-Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
-%
-The randy old Bey of Algiers
-Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
-	Tried a cunt for a change,
-	And remarked : "It felt strange ...
-Just think what I've missed all these years!"
-%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a girl a most elegant creature.
-	So she laid on her back
-	And, exposing her crack,
-Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
-%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a hen a most elegant creature.
-	The hen, pleased with that,
-	Laid an egg in his hat --
-And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
-		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%
-The Shah of the Empire of Persia
-Lay for days in a sexual merger.
-	When the nautch asked the Shah,
-	"Won't you ever withdraw?"
-He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
-%
-The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
-At breakfast with horrid dismay,
-	So he launched off the spoons
-	The pits from his prunes
-At their heads as they neared the buffet.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
-Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
-	That when posed on her toes
-	She elaborately shows
-Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
-%
-The spouse of a pretty young thing
-Came home from the wars in the spring.
-	He was lame but he came
-	With his dame like a flame --
-A discharge is a wonderful thing.
-%
-The star of that X-rated hit
-Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
-	This serves as a palace
-	For each turgid phallus--
-Some say that the plot is pure shit.
-%
-"The testes are cooler outside,"
-Said the doc to the curious bride,
-	"For the semen must no
-	Get too fucking hot,
-And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
-%
-The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
-And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
-	He caught a big mouse
-	Which he loosed in the house.
-(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
-%
-The wife of young Richard of Limerick
-Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
-	Still grows in diameter
-	Each time that you ram at her;
-How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
-%
-The woman who lives on the moon
-Is still cherishing the balloon
-	Of an earthling who'd come
-	And given her some,
-But had dribbled away all too soon.
-%
-The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
-Is not merely reading a meter.
-	By orders of Kirk
-	A part of his work
-Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
-%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
-	Saw a man come along
-	And, unless I am wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A bad little girl in Madrid,
-A most reprehensible kid,
-	Told her Tante Louise
-	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
-And the worst of it was that it did!
-%
-A certain young man, it was noted,
-Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
-	He said, "You may scoff,
-	But I shan't take it off;
-Underneath I am horribly bloated."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A certain young person of Ghent,
-Uncertain if lady or gent,
-	Shows his organs at large
-	For a small handling charge
-To assist him in paying the rent.
-%
-A certain young sheik of Algiers
-Said to his harem, "My dears,
-	Though you may think it odd of me,
-	I'm tired of just sodomy
-Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
-%
-A chap down in Oklahoma
-Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
-	But the sweetness of pitch
-	Couldn't put off the hitch
-Of impotence, size and aroma.
-%
-A charmer from old Amarillo,
-Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
-	Decided one day
-	That to keep men away
-She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
-%
-A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
-Had a pussy as large as a muff.
-	It had room for both hands
-	And some intimate glands,
-And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
-%
-A clergical student named Simms
-Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
-	A nice piece of ass
-	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
-All the others get Anglican hymns.
-%
-A clerical student named Pryne
-Through pain sought to reach the divine:
-	He wore a hair shirt,
-	Quite often ate dirt,
-And bathed every Friday in brine.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
-	On the twenty-third stroke
-	The fuckin' thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
-%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
-	On the twenty-third stroke
-	The goddam thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
-%
-A cocksucking steno named Beeman
-Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
-	"On my minuscule salary
-	 I must watch every calorie,
-So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
-%
-A computer called Illiac4
-Had a rather tough bug in its core.
-	It chewed up its cards
-	And spewed yards and yards
-Of illegible tape on the floor.
-%
-A computer, to print out a fact,
-Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
-	But this output can be
-	No more than debris,
-If the input was short of exact.
-		-- Gigo
-%
-A contortionist hailing from Lynch
-Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
-	A foot cost a quid --
-	He could and he did
-Stretch it to three in a pinch.
-%
-A corpulent maiden named Kroll
-Had a notion exceedingly droll:
-	At a masquerade ball,
-	Dressed in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker House roll.
-%
-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
-	And said, "Bother the fish!
-	I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-%
-A cowhand way out in Seattle
-Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
-	He said, "No, I can't fuck
-	A lamb or a duck,
-But golly! it just fits the cattle."
-%
-A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
-And had an affair with a Saracen.
-	She was not oversexed,
-	Or jealous or vexed,
-She just wanted to make a comparison.
-%
-A CS student named Lin
-Had a prick the size of a pin
-	It was no good for girls
-	But just great for squirrels
-Who squealed with delight with it in.
-%
-A cute little twerp from Samoa
-Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
-	It was good for keyholes
-	And debutantes' peeholes
-But not worth a damn on a whoa.
-%
-A daredevil skater named Lowe,
-Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
-	But is proudest of doing,
-	Some incredible screwing,
-Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
-%
-A deep-throated virgin named Netty
-Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
-	She said, "It tastes nice,
-	Much better than rice,
-Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
-%
-A delighted, incredulous bride
-Remarked to her groom at her side :
-	"I never could quite
-	 Believe till tonight
-Our anatomies would coincide."
-%
-A dentist, young doctor Malone,
-Got a charming girl patient alone,
-	And, in his depravity,
-	Filled the wrong cavity.
-God, how his practice has grown.
-%
-A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
-With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
-	Let his third-story front,
-	To a willing young cunt,
-Who supplied him a new lease on life!
-%
-A desperate spinster from Clare
-Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
-	And prayed to her God
-	For a romp on the sod--
-'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
-%
-A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
-Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
-	As quick as a glance
-	He stripped off his pants,
-But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
-%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
-	But a dropout from paree
-	Taught him Gamahuchee
-- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
-	But a dropout from paree
-	Taught him Gamahuchee
-So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
-A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
-Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
-	She blew her vagina
-	To South Carolina,
-And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
-
-A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
-Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
-	They found her vagina,
-	In South Carolina,
-And part of her ass in Brazil.
-%
-A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
-Whose overworked sex is all callous,
-	Wore the foreskin away
-	On uncircumcised Ray,
-Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
-%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace;
-	To make people afraid
-	He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace.
-	To make people afraid
-	He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
-		-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
-%
-A guest in a household quite charmless
-Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
-	"If you're caught unawares
-	At the head of the stairs,
-Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-A habit depraved and unsavory
-Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
-	Midst screeches and howls
-	He deflowered young owls
-Which he kept in an underground aviary
-%
-A habit obscene and bizarre,
-Has taken a-hold of papa.
-	He brings home young camels
-	And other odd mammals,
-And gives them a go at mama.
-%
-A habit obscene and unsavory,
-Holds a CS professor in slavery.
-	With maniacal howls,
-	He deflowers young owls,
-That he keeps in an underground aviary.
-%
-A hacker who screwed a mag tape
-Was caught and convicted of rape.
-	To jail he did go,
-	From which, to his woe
-He couldn't get out with ESC.
-%
-A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
-Made love to the drive of his disk.
-	The thing circumcised him,
-	Which rather surprised him.
-He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
-%
-A programmer down in Moline
-Said, I'm the match for any machine.
-	My secret's aversion,
-	To loops and recursion,
-Just acres of in-line routine.
-		-- W.J. Wilson
-%
-A progressive professor named Winners
-Held classes each evening for sinners.
-	They were graded and spaced
-	So the vile and debased
-Would not be held back by beginners.
-%
-A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
-Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
-	The result of this fuck
-	Was a three titted duck,
-A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
-%
-Aboard the good ship Venus,		The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
-The mast it was a penis,		A cunning little nipper,
-	Her figurehead				They filled his ass,
-	A whore in bed,				With broken glass,
-Good grief you should have seen us!	And circumcised the skipper.
-
-The first mate's name was Higgins,	The captain's daughter Mabel,
-And Higgins was a biggins,		They screwed when they were able,
-	Once round the deck,			They nailed her tits,
-	Twice up the mast,			Those nasty shits,
-And the rest was used for riggins'!	Right to the captain's table.
-
-The engineer's name was Carter,		The second mate's name was Andy,
-And Carter was a farter,		By God, he was a dandy,
-	When the wind wouldn't blow,		They broke his cock,
-	And the ship couldn't go,		With chunks of rock,
-Carter the farter would start her!	For conking in the brandy!
-%
-An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
-Saw sartorial changes ahead.
-	His mind kept on ringing
-	With fishy girls singing;
-Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
-		-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
-%
-And let me the canakin clink, clink;
-and let me the canakin clink.
-	A soldier's a man;
-	O, man's life's but a span,
-Why then, let a soldier drink.
-%
-Coitus upon a cadaver
-Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
-	Her inanimate state
-	Means a man needn't wait,
-And eliminates all the palaver.
-%
-Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
-Homo qui aedificabat.
-	Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
-	Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
-Sed virginem pine necebat.
-%
-Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
-I know - you don't have to say that!
-	All you guys want of me
-	Is a poke where I pee,
-And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
-%
-Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
-Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
-	She went down on the gents,
-	And pronged the girl's vents
-With a clitoris reaching six inches.
-%
-De Hispanice puella verumque
-Simplex oris verborumque
-	Tulit potens vagina
-	Hominum agmina
-Iterum iterum iterumque.
-%
-Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
-He was blown down the street by a rocket.
-	The force of the blast
-	Blew his balls up his ass,
-And his pecker was found in his pocket.
-%
-DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
-Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
-	And by planned obsolescence,
-	So controlled detumescence,
-A poor man could not get a smell.
-%
-Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
-Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
-	Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
-	Ich hore Mann kommen."
-"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
-%
-Ethnologists up with the Sioux
-Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
-	The answer next day,
-	Said, "Girls on the way,
-But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
-%
-Exuberant Sue from Anjou
-Found that fucking affected her hue.
-	She presented to sight
-	Nipples pink, bottom white;
-But her asshole was purple and blue.
-%
-Flappity, floppity, flip
-The mouse on the Mobius strip;
-	The strip revolved,
-	The mouse dissolved
-In a chronodimensional skip.
-%
-Fond of equestrians, Mabel
-Looked for true love in the stable.
-	But she found the studs,
-	For her were all duds,
-Now she's out with the leg of a table.
-%
-For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
-That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
-	But the one remedy
-	For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
-%
-For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
-That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
-	But the one remedy
-	For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.		
-%
-"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
-"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
-	You have made much fine verse on
-	Each part of my person,
-Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
-%
-Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
-It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
-	It makes you sick, it makes you well,
-	It turns your spine to fucking jell,
-It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
-%
-God's plan had a great beginning,
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning
-	We trust that the story
-	Will end in God's glory
-But at present the other side's winning.
-%
-God's plan made a hopeful beginning
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
-	We trust that the story
-	Will end in God's glory
-But at present, the other side's winning.
-%
-Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
-Who came to Rumania's rescue?
-	It's a wonderful thing
-	To be under a king--
-Is democracy better, I esk you?
-%
-Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
-Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
-	Some people say,
-	Love finds a way,
-But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
-%
-Have you heard of the lady named Cox
-Who had a capacious old box?
-	When her lover was in place
-	She said, "Please turn your face.
-I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
-%
-Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
-And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
-	How they lift the frock
-	And tickle the cock
-Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
-%
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
-	Her husband said, "Vi,
-	When you stitched up his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-%
-He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
-Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
-	Then his gargantuan pole in
-	Her pink, tight, and swollen
-Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
-%
-Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
-Could rotate his pecker, and then
-	He would shoot through his rear
-	Which made him dear
-Of the girls, and the envy of men.
-%
-Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
-Had morals the city might soften.
-	So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
-	Are you living in sin?"
-Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
-%
-His shy bride admitted to Crandall
-That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
-	But a cock like his dick
-	Gave her ten times the kick,
-Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
-%
-I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
-Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
-	I replied, "Simple shagging
-	Without any wagging
-Is only for screwing canoeing."
-%
-"I do love a lay every day,
-So whenever you're coming this way
-	Just phone in advance
-	And I'll jerk off my pants,
-And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
-%
-I met a young man in Chungking
-Who had a very long thing --
-	But you'll guess my surprise
-	When I found that its size
-Just measured a third-finger ring!
-%
-I never had Miss Defauw,
-But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
-	If she'd only said "No"
-	When I wanted her so;
-But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
-%
-I once had the wife of a Dean
-Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
-	She remarked with some gaiety,
-	"Not bad for the laiety,
-Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
-%
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
-	Now I know the perfection
-	Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
-%
-I once was annoyed by a queer
-Who made his intentions quite clear.
-	Said I, "I'm no prude,
-	So don't think me rude,
-But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
-%
-I wish that my room had a floor;
-I don't so much care for a door,
-	But this walking around
-	Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore!
-		-- Gelett Burgess
-%
-I wish that my room had a floor;
-I don't so much care for a door,
-	But this walking around
-	Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore! 
-		-- Gelett Burgess
-%
-I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
-Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
-	I wonder can she tell
-	That I've been raising hell;
-Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
-
-My wife is just as nice as can be,
-I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
-	For an afternoon of joy,
-	Is hell on the old boy,
-I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
-%
-I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
-I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
-	She said it was crude
-	To be wooed in the nude--
-I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
-%
-I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
-I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
-	And in all my lewd life
-	I've met none like your wife,
-So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
-%
-I'd rather have fingers than toes,
-I'd rather have ears than a nose,
-	And a happy erection
-	Brought just to perfection
-Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
-%
-If continence causes neurosis
-And intercourse causes thrombosis
-	I'd rather expire
-	Fulfilling desire
-Than live in a state of psychosis.
-%
-If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
-Employ first-order predicate calculus.
-	With sufficient formality,
-	The sheerest banality,
-Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
-%
-If you're speaking of actions immoral
-The how about giving the laurel
-	To doughty Queen Esther,
-	No three men could best her --
-One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
-%
-Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
-D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
-	Il la mene chaque soir
-	A son caveau noir
-Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
-Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
-	Il dit:"quant a' moi,
-	Je deteste tous les trois,
-Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
-%
-Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
-Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
-	Dit-elle, "Arretez!
-	J'entends quelqu'un venait."
-Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
-%
-Il y avait une madame de Lahore
-Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
-	Mais la vagine tres forte,
-	Toujours ouverte la porte,
-Encore, et encore, et encore.
-%
-In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
-Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
-	But this lubricant lapse
-	Isn't noticed, perhaps
-Because nobody does in Duluth.
-%
-In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
-Was the first time I ever laid down,
-	I was both proud and shy
-	As he opened his fly
-And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
-
-Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
-As it went in I made not a sound,
-	The more that he shoved it
-	The more that I loved it,
-As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
-%
-In my sweet little night gown of blue,
-On the first night that I slept with you,
-	I was both shy and scared
-	As the bed was prepared,
-And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
-
-As we both watched the break of day,
-And in peaceful submission I lay,
-	You said you adored it
-	But dammit, you tore it,
-My sweet little night gown of blue.
-%
-It takes little strain and no art
-To bang out an echoing fart.
-	The reaction is hearty
-	When you fart at a party,
-But the sensitive persons depart.
-%
-Love letters no longer they write us,
-To their homes they so seldom invite us.
-	It grieves me to say,
-	They have learned with dismay,
-We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
-%
-Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
-She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
-	If you want to get laid,
-	Then we'll have to tribade!"
-(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
-%
-McCoy's a seducer galore,
-And of virgins he has quite a score.
-	He tells them, "My dear,
-	You're the Final Frontier,
-Where man never has gone before."
-%
-Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
-Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
-	When he's under the weather
-	They can't get together,
-So others get into her box.
-%
-My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
-I simply can't fuck any more;
-	I'm covered with sweat,
-	And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-		-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
-%
-`My trip? It was vile.  Balaclava
-I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
-	The ship was all white
-	But it creaked in the night,
-And the band, they did not know la java."
-		-- Edward Gorey
+Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
+To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
+	If you'll come to my palace,
+	I'll finger your phallus,
+And then I shall blow on your flute."
 %
 `My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
 I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
@@ -6167,257 +6124,9 @@ I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
 And the band, they did not know la java."
 		-- Edward Gorey
 %
-Oden the bardling averred
-His muse was the bum of a bird,
-	And his Lesbian wife
-	Would finger his fife
-While Fisherwood waited as third.
-%
-Of his face she thought not very much,
-But then, at the very first touch,
-	Her attitude shifted --
-	He was terribly gifted
-At frigging and fucking and such.
-%
-Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
-Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
-	The poor wench doth stammer,
-	"I need a sledgehammer
-To pound a man into my vent."
-%
-Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
-He tried to make love to a puma.
-	Seems the puma, in play,
-	Tore his testes away -
-- An example of animal huma.
-%
-Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
-He tried to make love to a puma.
-	Seems the puma, in play,
-	Tore his testes away --
-An example of animal huma.
-%
-On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
-Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
-	Not russian elite-
-	She's eager to eat
-Whatever or whoever lays her.
-%
-On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
-The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
-	"Aha!" said the mate,
-	"That settles the fate
-Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
-%
-Once was a hooker named Gail,
-Busted and sent-off to jail,
-	She liked the jailer,
-	He wanted to nail her,
-So Gail made bail with her tail.
-%
-One evening a guru had coitus
-With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
-	When asked what position
-	He used for coition,
-He answered serenely, "the loetus."
-%
-One evening a guru had coitus
-With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
-	When asked what position
-	He used for coition,
-He answered serenely, "the lotus."
-%
-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
-	His enormous red whang
-	Gave her a wonderful bang --
-She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
-%
-One night a girl had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
-	Then she picked up his hat
-	And realized that
-She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
-%
-Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
-Has invented a new kind of car.
-	With a tank full of shit
-	There's no stopping it --
-For short trips, two poots take you far.
-%
-Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
-Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
-	At her first sight of one
-	She started to run,
-And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
-%
-Pour guerir un acces de fievre
-Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
-	Il le prit a son trou,
-	Et fit faire un ragout
-Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
-"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
-	To a muffer's delight,
-	I'll take head on a flight,
-So the guy can have pie in the sky."
-%
-She begged and she pleaded for more.
-I said, "We've already had four,
-	And I'm sure that you've heard,
-	Though it's somewhat absurd,
-That eros spelt backwards is sore."
-%
-She made a thing of soft leather,
-And topped off the end with a feather.
-	When she poked it inside her
-	She took off like a glider,
-And gave up her lover forever.
-%
-She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
-And begged for a bang : goodness knows
-	I am surely impure
-	And I sizzled to scrure,
-But the push had gone out of my hose.
-%
-She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
-When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
-	Now she's lying in the grass,
-	With the muffler up her ass,
-And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
-%
-She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
-Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
-	But she knew, just before
-	She opened the door,
-This same Mr. had kr. sr.
-%
-She wasn't what one could call pretty
-And other girls offered her pity,
-	So nobody guessed
-	That her Wasserman test
-Involved half the men in the city.
-%
-Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
-"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
-	Plus the yen, but the men
-	Only call now and then--
-Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
-%
-"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
-"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
-	He pulled it on out,
-	But she started to pout,
-His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
-%
-So here was this fellow of Strensall
-Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
-	Anemic, 'tis true,
-	But an interesting screw,
-Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
-%
-The world is so full of a number of things,
-I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
-	I'll tell you a story--
-	It won't take me long--
-Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
-
-There was an old fellow and what do you think?
-He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
-	He whacked it, he hacked it,
-	He ate it with glee-
-Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
-
-This charming old chap had a sister as well :
-She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
-	Her cunt was so dirty
-	It stank like a beast,
-And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
-
-What a wonderful family!  What marvellous style!
-I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
-	Their odor and diet
-	Won't soon be forgotten,
-And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
-%
-There are some things we mustn't expose,
-So we hide them away in our clothes.
-	Oh, it's shocking to stare
-	At what's certainly there--
-But why this is so, heaven knows.
-%
-There is a young faggot named Mose
-Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
-	And you'll double the joy
-	Of this lecherous boy
-If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
-%
-There is a young lady named Aird,
-Whose bottom is always kept bared.
-	When asked why she pouts,
-	She says "The Boy Scouts,
-All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
-%
-Un moine au milieu de la messe		A monk in the middle of mass
-S'eleva et cria en detresse;		Stood up and cried out in distress;
-	"La vie religieuse,			"The religious life
-	C'est sale et affreuse,"		Is dirty and horrid,"
-Et se poignarda dans les fesses.	And stabbed himself in the ass.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-We sailed on the good ship Venus,
-My God, you should have seen us
-	With a figurehead
-	Of a whore in bed
-And the mast an upright penis
-
-The captain of the lugger
-Was known as a filthy bugger
-	Declared unfit
-	To shovel shit
-From one ship to another
-
-The first mate's name was Cooper,
-By god he was a trooper
-	He jerked and jerked
-	Until he worked
-Himself into a stupor
-
-The cabin boy was chipper,
-A dandy little nipper
-	He shoved cracked glass
-	Inside his ass
-And circumcised the skipper
-
-The captain's wife was Charlotte,
-Born and bred a harlot
-	Her thighs at night
-	Were lily white
-By morning they were scarlet
-
-The captain's youngest daughter
-Slipped into the water
-	Her plaintive squeals
-	Announced that eels
-Had found her sexual quarter
-
-The ship's dog's name was Rover,
-They turned the poor beast over
-	And ground and ground
-	That faithful hound
-From Tenerife to Dover
-%
-Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
-By all of the lads in his class
-	He said, with a yawn,
-	"Now the novelty's gone
-And it's only a pain in the ass."
-%
-"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
-"And told my wife to try it on top.
-	She bounced for an hour,
-	Till she ran out of power,
-And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
+A bad little girl in Madrid,
+A most reprehensible kid,
+	Told her Tante Louise
+	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
+And the worst of it was that it did!
 %