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| author |   cgd <cgd@NetBSD.org> | 1993-03-21 09:45:37 +0000 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | cgd <cgd@NetBSD.org> | 1993-03-21 09:45:37 +0000 |
| commit | 77e3814f0c0e3dea4d0032e25666f77e6f83bfff (patch) | |
| tree | 7eddfcbf3dd12089e71dc3fafb0a106c5c5766c7 /fortune/datfiles/fortunes | |
| parent | e81d63576b2e46ab90da7d75fa155ea57ee4d32e (diff) | |
| download | bsdgames-darwin-77e3814f0c0e3dea4d0032e25666f77e6f83bfff.tar.gz bsdgames-darwin-77e3814f0c0e3dea4d0032e25666f77e6f83bfff.tar.zst bsdgames-darwin-77e3814f0c0e3dea4d0032e25666f77e6f83bfff.zip | |
initial import of 386bsd-0.1 sources
Diffstat (limited to 'fortune/datfiles/fortunes')
| -rw-r--r-- | fortune/datfiles/fortunes | 16304 |
1 files changed, 16304 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes new file mode 100644 index 00000000..f84326c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes @@ -0,0 +1,16304 @@ +!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH +% +!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH +% +(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. +(2) Great generals are forewarned. +(3) Forewarned is forearmed. +(4) Four is an even number. +(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. +(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. + +Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. +% +(1) Everything depends. +(2) Nothing is always. +(3) Everything is sometimes. +% +1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's +the law! +% +10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. +% +100 buckets of bits on the bus +100 buckets of bits +Take one down, short it to ground +FF buckets of bits on the bus + +FF buckets of bits on the bus +FF buckets of bits +Take one down, short it to ground +FE buckets of bits on the bus + +ad infinitum... +% +$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at +which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR + (1) Scarecrow for centipedes + (2) Dead cat brush + (3) Hair barrettes + (4) Cleats + (5) Self-piercing earrings + (6) Fungus trellis + (7) False eyelashes + (8) Prosthetic dog claws + . + . + . + (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) + (100) Killer velcro + (101) Currency +% +186,282 miles per second: + +It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! +% +2180, U.S. History question: + What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what +office did he later hold? +% +$3,000,000 +% +"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible +simulation!" +% +43rd Law of Computing: + Anything that can go wr +fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped +% +77. HO HUM -- The Redundant + +------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme +--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife +------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working +---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the +---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to +--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. + +Nine in the second place means: + The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. + +Six in the third place means: + In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue + Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! +% +7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) + The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National + Redwood Forest. +% +7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) + The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the + Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. +% +99 blocks of crud on the disk, +99 blocks of crud! +You patch a bug, and dump it again: +100 blocks of crud on the disk! + +100 blocks of crud on the disk, +100 blocks of crud! +You patch a bug, and dump it again: +101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... +% +A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a +"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. + -- Mahatma Ghandi +% +A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. +Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific +game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have +traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, +preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. + -- Donald A. Metz +% +A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and +placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or +rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results +from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball +and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the +ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical +phenomena. + -- Donald A. Metz +% +A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no +responsibility at the other. +% +A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. + -- Carl Sandburg +% +A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out +of a divorce. + -- Don Quinn +% +A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining +and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. + -- Mark Twain +% +A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it +adds up to be real money. + -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen +% +A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. +% +A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. +% +A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. +% +... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you +have turned into a pile of dust. +% +A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have +enlightened him with ours. +% +A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well +as afterward. +% +A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the +poor to protect them from each other. +% +A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. +% +A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not +mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty +trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. + -- Dave Barry +% +A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. +% +A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. +Avoid him. He's a Commie. +% +A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but +won't cross the street to vote in a national election. + -- Bill Vaughan +% +A city is a large community where people are lonesome together + -- Herbert Prochnow +% +A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody +wants to read. + -- Mark Twain +% +A closed mouth gathers no foot. +% +A computer, to print out a fact, +Will divide, multiply, and subtract. + But this output can be + No more than debris, +If the input was short of exact. + -- Gigo +% +A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. +% +A CONS is an object which cares. + -- Bernie Greenberg. +% +A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it +is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. +% +A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. + -- Dyer +% +A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the +damned things is ample. + -- Rebecca West +% +A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. + -- Ben Franklin +% +A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison +And had an affair with a Saracen. + She was not oversexed, + Or jealous or vexed, +She just wanted to make a comparison. +% +A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen +lantern. + -- Edgar A. Shoaff +% +A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? +% +A day without sunshine is like night. +% +A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur +coat. +% +A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that +you will look forward to the trip. +% + A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was +eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality +test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." + Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into +the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". +% +A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... +% + A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing +about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their +arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon +the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because +Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply +incredible surgical feat." + The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the +Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of +that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an +architect." + The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, +"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" +% +A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. + -- Ogden Nash +% +A dozen, a gross, and a score, +Plus three times the square root of four, + Divided by seven, + Plus five time eleven, +Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. +% +A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a +Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. +Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network +with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the +Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly +pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while +simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick +Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. +% +A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the +subject. + -- Winston Churchill +% +A fool must now and then be right by chance. +% +A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into +superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. + -- G. B. Shaw +% +A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block +of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an +elephant. +% +A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. + -- D. Gries +% +"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch +dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." + -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" +% +A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. + -- Adlai Stevenson +% +A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than +he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men +favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter +facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding +ducks. + -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 +% +A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. +A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. +But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. + -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" +% +A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort +of). +% +A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened +into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the +hope of greening the landscape of idea. + -- John Ciardi +% +A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely +rearranging their prejudices. + -- William James +% +A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest +man a century. +% +A hypothetical paradox: + What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security +team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of +Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? + -- Tom Galloway +% +A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. +C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. +E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. +G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. +I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. +K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. +M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. +O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl +Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. +S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. +U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. +W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. +Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. + -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" +% +A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. +% +A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide +who has the better lawyer. + -- Robert Frost +% +A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. +% +A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. +% +A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. +% +A lady with one of her ears applied +To an open keyhole heard, inside, +Two female gossips in converse free -- +The subject engaging them was she. +"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks +That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" +As soon as no more of it she could hear +The lady, indignant, removed her ear. +"I will not stay," she said with a pout, +"To hear my character lied about!" + -- Gopete Sherany +% +A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is +not worth knowing. +% +A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program +in than some that do. + -- Dennis M. Ritchie +% +A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work +by being declared to work. + -- Anatol Holt +% +A Law of Computer Programming: + Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you +will find the programmers cannot write in English. +% +A limerick packs laughs anatomical +Into space that is quite economical. + But the good ones I've seen + So seldom are clean, +And the clean ones so seldom are comical. +% +A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of +nothing. +% +A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. + -- H. H. Munroe +% +A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. +% +A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any +price. +% +A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in +his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and +exceptional ability in that particular field." +% +A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. + -- Steve Wright +% +A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I +believe everything positively stinks. + -- Lew Col +% + A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The +first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. + "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow +and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." + "But the collar is up around my ears!" + "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a +little more ... that's it." + "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. + "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you +go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." + So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the +street. Reba and Florence see him go by. + "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" + "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" + +"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a +sense of obligation." + -- Stephen Crane +% +A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. +% + A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his +novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how +insignificant," said the master. + + "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. + + "It is," came the reply. + + "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. + + "It is even in a video game," said the master. + + "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" + + The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The +lesson is over for today," he said. + -- "The Tao of Programming" +% +A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. +% +A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed +on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new +game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the +pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly +along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their +heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn +around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite +direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the +paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin +colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins +fall over gently onto their backs. + -- Audobon Society Magazine +% + A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at +the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the +pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite +nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." + "If what?" asked the composer. + "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" +% +A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out +on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed +loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom +do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" +% +A new dramatist of the absurd +Has a voice that will shortly be heard. + I learn from my spies + He's about to devise +An unprintable three-letter word. +% +A new koan: + + If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. + + If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. + +It is an ice cream koan. +% +A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. +Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now +has no excuse for further procrastination. +% +A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies +insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the +right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. +% +A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the +rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. +% + A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which +removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to +doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous +amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware +limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the +larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient +power-down sequence. + An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the +building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has +bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer +cool. +% +A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power +off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: +"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no +understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off +and on. The machine worked. +% +A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. +% +A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. + -- Gloria Steinem +% +A penny saved is ridiculous. +% +A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. +% +A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. + -- George Wald +% +A pig is a jolly companion, +Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- +A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, +Though mountains may topple and tilt. +When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, +When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, +Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, +You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, +You'll never go wrong with a pig! + -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" +% + A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling + by Mark Twain + + For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped +to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer +be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained +would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 +might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the +same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with +"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. + Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear +with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 +or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. +Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi +ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz +ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. + Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud +hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. +% +"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" + -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" +% +A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? + +And he answered: + +It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. + +It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. + +It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City +upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come +to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. + +And that is Fate? said the priest. + +Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. + +That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was +too. + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% + A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came +upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. +"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow +man". + As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, +he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." +% +A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. +% +"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis +of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite +series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric +precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from +inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical +accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality +for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly +defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the +information in the first place." + -- IEEE Grid news magazine +% +A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that +your wife will give you for free. +% +A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be +too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which +was intended for her preservation. + -- Colton +% +A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as +"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if +the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants +to make a travesty of the game. + -- Donald A. Metz +% +"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked +out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." + -- Steel City News +% +"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." +% +A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: + +Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, +"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny +bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the +lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and +breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the +Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of +the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt +thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then +proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being +the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand +Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, +shall snuff it." + -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" +% +A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices +that the system works. +% +A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and +the real reason. +% +A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen +objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer +scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added +concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three +dimensional objects ... +% +A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may +not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized +rosewater. +% +A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man +contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. + -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery +% +A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will +keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those +that are worth committing. + -- Samuel Butler +% + A Severe Strain on the Credulity + +As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest +parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket +is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one +considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one +begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really +starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor +maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. +Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing +of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to +re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum +against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the +knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. + -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 +% +A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard + -- Prof. Steiner +% +... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he +was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. + -- Mark Twain +% +A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. + -- O'Henry +% +A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many +bad measures. + -- Daniel Webster +% +A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an +exam. +% +A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to +Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it +true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as +Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt +shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. +% +A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something +undreamed of by its author. + -- S. C. Johnson +% +A tautology is a thing which is tautological. +% +A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, +and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by +blowing first. +% +A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene +triangle. +% +A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. +% +A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest +in students. + -- John Ciardi +% +"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." + -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin +% +A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, +Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. + She found a good way + To combine work and play: +She sells C shells by the seashore. +% +A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature +replaces it with. + -- Tennessee Williams +% +A very intelligent turtle +Found programming UNIX a hurdle + The system, you see, + Ran as slow as did he, +And that's not saying much for the turtle. +% +A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without +getting nervous. +% +A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets +people's attention. +% +"A witty saying proves nothing." + -- Voltaire +% +"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to +admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact +remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one +reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It +is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of +using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these +matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times." + -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII +% +A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe +in God. +% +A.A.A.A.A.: + An organization for drunks who drive +% +AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! +You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! +% +Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. +% +"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the +ends." + -- Herbert Hoover +% +Absence makes the heart go wander. +% +Absent, adj.: + Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; +slandered. +% +Absentee, n.: + A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove +himself from the sphere of exaction. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Abstainer, n.: + A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a +pleasure. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Absurdity, n.: + A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own +opinion. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, +because the stakes are so low. + -- Wallace Sayre +% +Accident, n.: + A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of +body is better. +% +Accidents cause History. + +If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the +Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not +have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil +could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and +the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person +shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than +fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening +of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of +the returns." +% +According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least +once a year. +% +According to my best recollection, I don't remember. + -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo +% +According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are +totally worthless. +% +According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never +dies. +% +"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to +live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came +in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. +Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." + -- David Letterman +% +Accordion, n.: + A bagpipe with pleats. +% +Accuracy, n.: + The vice of being right +% + ACHTUNG!!! + +Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy +schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit +spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das +rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und +vatch das blinkenlights!!! +% +Acid -- better living through chemistry. +% +Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. +% +Acquaintance, n.: + A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well +enough to lend to. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from +coughing." +% +Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had + everyone glued in their seats!" +Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of + it!" +% +Actor: So what do you do for a living? +Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving + dishes for Chinese restaurants. + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. +% +ADA, n.: + Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in +Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA +awareness." +% +Admiration, n.: + Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Adolescence, n.: + The stage between puberty and adultery. +% +"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look +like you ..." + -- Gilda Radner +% +Adore, v.: + To venerate expectantly. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Adult, n.: + One old enough to know better. +% +Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest +way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. + -- Sinclair Lewis +% +Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, +then at least be asceptic. +% +After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose +names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary +Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted +many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi +Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two +different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current +developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer +attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led +to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, +skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously +injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it +hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact +that it sinks like a stone. + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% +After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. +It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life +more advanced than the lichen family. + -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly + Do" +% +After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. +% +"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known +quotations." + -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare +% +After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not +for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have +simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. + -- P. J. O'Rourke +% +After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found +on the bench. +% + After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from +Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, +and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon +to be created." + "This is true," He replied. + "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. + "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the +right to make his laws?" + "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to +make his own." + It was so granted. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of +the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the +cost to others, to win advancement." + -- Norman Thomas +% +After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? +% +After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe +everything. Just in case. +% +After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access +cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been +removed. +% +Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a +change. +% +Afternoon, n.: + That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the +morning. +% +Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +Age, n.: + That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we +still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise +to commit. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. +% +Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, +there's the rub. + +For all dreams are not equal, +some exit to nightmare +most end with the dreamer + +But at least one must be lived ... and died. +% +"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the +Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact +that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately +unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep +up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." + -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic +% +Air is water with holes in it +% +Alas, I am dying beyond my means. + -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed +% +Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire +telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New +York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? +And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they +receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." +% +Alden's Laws: + (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause + of pregnancy. + (2) Always be backlit. + (3) Sit down whenever possible. +% +Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, +Aleph-null bottles of beer, + You take one down, and pass it around, +Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. +% +Alex Haley was adopted! +% +Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting +for a dial tone. +% +Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of +them keeps paying for it. + -- Peggy Joyce +% +All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent +upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a +visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is +informing, stimulating and ennobling. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely +than others. + -- Alan Truscott +% +All extremists should be taken out and shot. +% +All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing +without thinking. +% +"All flesh is grass" + -- Isiah +Smoke a friend today. +% +All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. +% +All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own +importance. +% +All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled +by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... +% +All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power + -- Ashleigh Brilliant +% +All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are +Socrates. + -- Woody Allen +% +"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us +sane." +% +"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more +specific." + -- Jane Wagner +% +All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. + -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. +% +All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of +the United States. + -- Vic Gold +% +All power corrupts, but we need electricity. +% +All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. +% +All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of +every organism to live beyond its income. + -- Samuel Butler +% +All science is either physics or stamp collecting. + -- E. Rutherford +% +"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right +hands." + -- Saint Patrick +% +All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. +% +All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, +too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you +subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you +can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. +Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax +decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What +if it rains?" + -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" +% +"... all the modern inconveniences ..." + -- Mark Twain +% +All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most +ridiculous ones. + -- La Rochefoucauld +% +All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by +the government in less than a second. + -- Jim Fiebig +% +All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. + -- Sean O'Casey +% +All the world's a VAX, +And all the coders merely butchers; +They have their exits and their entrails; +And one int in his time plays many widths, +His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, +Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. +And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, +And shining morning face, creeping like slug +Unwillingly to school. + -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 +% +All theoretical chemistry is really physics; +and all theoretical chemists know it. + -- Richard P. Feynman +% +All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. +% +All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for +fun. Money's just the way we keep score. +% +All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. +% +All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes +infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in +which he was born. + -- Francois Fenelon +% +Alliance, n.: + In international politics, the union of two thieves who have +their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot +separately plunder a third. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Alone, adj.: + In bad company. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight +Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. + -- Dave Barry +% +Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. +% +Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, +mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have +any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place +to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, +Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a +serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the +same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely +that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A +penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job +running the post office. + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% +Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been +reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the +day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable +interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on +pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, +and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. +Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous +material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the +management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion +the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical +Gamekeeping." + -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) +% +Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid +back. +% +Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. +% +"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing +that way." +% +Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. +% + AMAZING BUT TRUE ... + +If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end +across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. +% + AMAZING BUT TRUE ... + +There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it +would completely cover the Sahara Desert. +% +Ambidextrous, adj.: + Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. + -- Charlie McCarthy +% +America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism +to decadence without touching civilization. + -- John O'Hara +% +America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, +until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and +changed its name to "America". + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective +employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for +employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference +between the men's room and the women's room without having little +pictures on the doors. + -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" +% +"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it." +% +An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because +people refuse to see it. + -- James Michener, "Space" +% +An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but +is always polite to traffic cops. +% +"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to +New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but +not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." + -- David Letterman +% +An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. +% + An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He +knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with +great restraint. + As he designs the first work, frill after frill and +embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away +to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, +and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of +that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. + This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. +When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will +confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, +and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that +are particular and not generalizable. + The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using +all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first +one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". + -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" +% +An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. +% +An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree +murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's +mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. +Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the +suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a +murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." +% +An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you +really care to know. +% +An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. +% +An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. +% +An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded +summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your +arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey +responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" +% +An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. + -- A. P. Herbert +% +An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He +wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is +advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and +Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in +incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote +excellence: + +"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and +discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able +to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting +things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch +parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a +timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who +doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. +Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high +school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as +successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and +they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." + -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" +% +An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. +% +"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often +picturesque liar." + -- Mark Twain +% +An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these +eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as +possible. + -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" +% +An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. +% + An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity +in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. + "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if +you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like +an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an +hour seems like a minute." + The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a +moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." +% +Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no +government at all. +% +And as we stand on the edge of darkness +Let our chant fill the void +That others may know + + In the land of the night + The ship of the sun + Is drawn by + The grateful dead. + + -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. +% +... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. +% +And I heard Jeff exclaim, +As they strolled out of sight, +"Merry Christmas to all -- +You take credit cards, right?" + -- "Outsiders" comic +% +... And malt does more than Milton can +To justify God's ways to man + -- A. E. Housman +% +And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. +% +"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of +your own." + -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter + Preposterous Words +% +And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and +fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it +looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One +approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin +is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then +of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides +gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this +procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom +youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and +Orson Welles. + -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" +% +"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a +courtesy detail." +% +And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a +horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical +columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, +ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the +world. + -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" +% + "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" +asked the father of his little son. + "Diet." +% +And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have +a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks +tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets +tragedy face to face, we have politics. + -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and + Ground Cover" +% +Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. +Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. + -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" +% +Angels we have heard on High +Tell us to go out and Buy. + -- Tom Lehrer +% +Ankh if you love Isis. +% +Anoint, v.: + To grease a king or other great functionary already +sufficiently slippery. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% + Another Glitch in the Call + ------- ------ -- --- ---- + (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) + +We don't need no indirection +We don't need no flow control +No data typing or declarations +Did you leave the lists alone? + + Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! + +Chorus: + All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. + All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. +% +Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. +% +Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but +television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom +and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that +offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. + -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly + Do" +% + Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: + +(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). +(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. +(3) I don't know. +(4) Who cares? +(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, + Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. +(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my + book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and + bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of + Papyrus Books). +% +Anthony's Law of Force: + Don't force it; get a larger hammer. +% +Anthony's Law of the Workshop: + Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible + corner of the workshop. + +Corollary: + On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike + your toes. +% +Antonym, n.: + The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. +% +Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. + -- Charles McCabe +% +Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. + -- Charles McCabe +% +Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a +representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a +representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone +capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. + -- Richard Schickel +% +Any excuse will serve a tyrant. + -- Aesop +% +Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that +this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a +whole week. +% +Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to +sell it. +% +Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche +-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, +my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off +the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was +undoubtedly true. + -- Solomon Short +% +Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. + -- Sydney J. Harris +% +Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger +object. +% +Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to +exactly the point of most pressure. + -- Milt Barber +% +Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. + -- Rich Kulawiec +% +Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged +demo. +% +Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. + -- Arthur C. Clarke +% +Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked +something. +% +Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. + -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. +% +Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. +% +Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is +probably parked. +% +Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. +% +Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is +supposed to be doing at the moment. + -- Robert Benchley +% +Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. + -- Publilius Syrus +% +Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with +none. +% +Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he +is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not +make messes in the house. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. + -- Samuel Goldwyn +% +Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. + -- W. C. Fields +% +Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no +account be allowed to do the job. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never +tried taking candy from a baby. + -- Robin Hood +% +Anything free is worth what you pay for it. +% +Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. +% +Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. +% +Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the +price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" +means the price went way up. +% +Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. +% +Anything worth doing is worth overdoing +% +"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" +% +Aphorism, n.: + A concise, clever statement. +Afterism, n.: + A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. + -- James Alexander Thom +% +APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of +the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of +coding bums. +% +"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I +can't read any of them." + -- Roy Keir +% +Aquadextrous, adj.: + Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off +with your toes. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) + You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. + You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to + be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same + mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. +% +Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: + Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing +general can be said." +% +ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- + FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE +% +Are you a turtle? +% +Are you a turtle? +% +"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% +ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) + You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You + are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are + not very nice. +% +Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your +shoes. + -- Mickey Mouse +% +Armadillo: + To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle +% +Arnold's Laws of Documentation: + (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. + (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. + (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the + first two laws. +% +Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to +measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you +imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% +Art is anything you can get away with. + -- Marshall McLuhan. +% +Art is either plagiarism or revolution. + -- Paul Gauguin +% +Arthur's Laws of Love: + (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you + remind them of someone else. + (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be + delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of + yourself in person. +% +Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. +% +As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are +interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick +perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, +"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... + -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" +% +"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual +certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I +became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can +meet girls." + -- Matt Cartmill +% +As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not +certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. + -- Albert Einstein +% +As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. + -- Weisert +% +As I was going up Punch Card Hill, + Feeling worse and worser, +There I met a C.R.T. + And it drop't me a cursor. + +C.R.T., C.R.T., + Phosphors light on you! +If I had fifty hours a day + I'd spend them all at you. + + -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes +% +As I was passing Project MAC, +I met a Quux with seven hacks. +Every hack had seven bugs; +Every bug had seven manifestations; +Every manifestation had seven symptoms. +Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, +How many losses at Project MAC? +% +As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great +industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free +speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to +myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a +real American talk like that. + -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) +% +As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? +% +As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its +fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be +popular. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. +% +"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 +programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." + -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new + computer system. +% +As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it +wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had +to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized +that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in +finding mistakes in my own programs. + -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 +% +As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's +so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. + -- Woody Allen +% +As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there +is always a future in Computer Maintenance. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free +variable." +% +As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple +memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time +to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, +E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. + -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" +% +As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would +interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the +Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure +out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on +Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual +organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, +birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never +see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and +stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations +with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are +talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both +highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. + -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every + Teen Should Know" +% +As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull +your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. +The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along +with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall +from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all +over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of +a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the +spider is suing you for damages. +% +As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." +% +ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. +% +Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if +one went to Harvard). + -- Edgar R. Fiedler +% +Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. +% +Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the +Station-to-Station rate. +% +Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the +bathtub, it tolls for thee. +% +Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" +for an answer. +% +"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old +woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, +she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" + -- David Letterman +% +Ass, n.: + The masculine of "lass". +% +Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. +Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be +strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. +Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check +and dying broke. + -- Stanley Walker +% +"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los +Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head +under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." +% +At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is +not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where +it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. + -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow +% +At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial +challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. + -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985 +% +At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial +challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. + -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 +% +... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. + -- J. B. White +% +"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" +% +At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his +thumb with a hammer. + -- Marshall Lumsden +% +At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will +find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on +the computer. +% +Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole +or street lamp. +% +Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. + -- Winston Churchill +% +Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever +depths they were once able to plumb. + -- Stanley Kaufman +% +Automobile, n.: + A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down +pedestrians. +% +Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +Avoid reality at all costs. +% +"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but +we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you." + -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student +% +Bacchus, n.: + A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for +getting drunk. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Bagbiter: + 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually +intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This +bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on +obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the +bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, +CHOMPER, CHOMPING. +% +Bagdikian's Observation: + Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American +newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a +ukelele. +% +Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: + A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides +by governors. +% +Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. +% +Banectomy, n.: + The removal of bruises on a banana. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. +% +Barach's Rule: + An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own +physician. +% +Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the +floor -- especially in the dark. +% +Barometer, n.: + An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we +are having. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Barth's Distinction: + There are two types of people: those who divide people into two +types, and those who don't. +% +Baruch's Observation: + If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. +% +Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high +taxes. + -- Will Rogers +% +Basic is a high level languish. +APL is a high level anguish. +% +"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." +% +Basic, n.: + A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in +that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. +% +Bathquake, n.: + The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water +faucet is turned on to a certain point. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your +door. +% +BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) +% +Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely +get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your +face. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. +% +Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. + -- Mark Twain +% +Be different: conform. +% +Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so +get used to it. +% +Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. +% +Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and +miss + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +Bees are very busy souls +They have no time for birth controls +And that is why in times like these +There are so many Sons of Bees. +% + Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and +took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his +followers. + One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and +there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. + "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his +commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your +Purpose in Life, anyway?" + Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The +Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) + Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. + Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. + -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" +% +Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's +ego. +% +Begathon, n.: + A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so +you won't have to watch commercials. +% +Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh +away. +% +Beifeld's Principle: + The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and +receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is +already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better +looking and richer male friend. +% +"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> +% +"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> +% +Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. +% +Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: + (1) Houses are for people to live in. + (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. + (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. +% +"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" + -- Time Bandits +% +Besides the device, the box should contain: + +* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" + +* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two + club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. + +YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram +cable. + +IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your +spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car +that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King +without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's +why." + +WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. + -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" +% +Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. +% +better !pout !cry +better watchout +lpr why +santa claus <north pole >town + +cat /etc/passwd >list +ncheck list +ncheck list +cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist +cat list | grep nice >giftlist +santa claus <north pole > town + +who | grep sleeping +who | grep awake +who | egrep 'bad|good' +for (goodness sake) { + be good +} +% +Better dead than mellow. +% +Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson +Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. +Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and +great effort pushing boulders into a single word. + +It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. +Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin +equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the +destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass +both Parliament and Party. + +It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other +planets, this may be the first message received from us. + -- The Realist, November, 1964. +% +"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not +tried it." + -- Donald Knuth +% +Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! +% +Beware of low-flying butterflies. +% +Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. + -- Leonard Brandwein +% +Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a +drip under pressure. +% +"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and +finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of +murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by +their ignorance the hard way." + -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" +% +Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but +nothing of interest is easy. +% +Binary, adj.: + Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. +% +"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same +thing as division." +% +Bipolar, adj.: + Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, +New York +% +Birth, n.: + The first and direst of all disasters. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic +% +Bizoos, n.: + The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a +basketball. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... +% +Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. +% +Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as +Wheels. +% +BLISS is ignorance +% +Blood flows down one leg and up the other. +% +Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. +% +Blore's Razor: + Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is +funnier. +% +Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in +plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has +it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was +arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept +throwing up on them. +% +Boling's postulate: + If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. +% +Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: + Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so +vividly manifests their lack of progress. +% +Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: + Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. +% +BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! +% +Boob's Law: + You always find something in the last place you look. +% +Bore, n.: + A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. + -- Walter Winchell +% +Bore, n.: + A person who talks when you wish him to listen. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Boren's Laws: + (1) When in charge, ponder. + (2) When in trouble, delegate. + (3) When in doubt, mumble. +% +Boss, n.: + According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages +the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, +in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an +ornamental stud." +% +Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry +that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation +straightened out for a crowbar. + -- O. W. Holmes +% +Boston, n.: + Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for +finishing second in the Irish jig competition. +% +"Boy, life takes a long time to live + -- Steven Wright +% +Boy, n.: + A noise with dirt on it. +% +Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least +when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. + -- James Thurber +% +Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. + -- Kin Hubbard +% +Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the +unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only +(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend +to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' + -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking + Style" +% +Bradley's Bromide: + If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a +committee -- that will do them in. +% +Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: + When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more +easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have +handled this?" +% +Brain fried -- Core dumped +% +Brain, n.: + The apparatus with which we think that we think. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: + To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of +error in an opponent. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, +since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Bride, n.: + A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may +revitalize the corner saloon. +% +British Israelites: + The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of +Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by +Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further +believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the +Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in +the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your +head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Broad-mindedness, n.: + The result of flattening high-mindedness out. +% +Brontosaurus Principle: + Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them +in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when +this occurs, they are an endangered species. + -- Thomas K. Connellan +% +Brook's Law: + Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later +% +Brooke's Law: + Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool +discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it +beyond recognition. +% +Bubble Memory, n.: + A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's +intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". +% +Bucy's Law: + Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. +% +Bug, n.: + An aspect of a computer program which exists because the +programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he +wrote the program. + +Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. + -- Ray Simard +% +Bugs, pl. n.: + Small living things that small living boys throw on small +living girls. +% +BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the + outfit." +GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" +BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." + -- Jay Ward +% +Bumper sticker: + +"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British +manufacture" +% +Bureaucrat, n.: + A person who cuts red tape sideways. + -- J. McCabe +% +Bureaucrat, n.: + A politician who has tenure. +% +Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. +% +Burn's Hog Weighing Method: + (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a + sawhorse. + (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. + (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again + perfectly balanced. + (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. + -- Robert Burns +% + ... But among the children of the Great Society there were +those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, +and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... + Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and +they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my +people go to the front of the bus." + But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all +deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove +yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like +unto a snowball in Hell." + -- "The Begatting of a President" +% +... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can +easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed +and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) +upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was +without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based +on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court +was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and +sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, +human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations +paws." +% +"But I don't like Spam!!!!" +% +... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human +intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as +we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues +that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding +of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard +example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- +makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing +whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a +finite or an infinite number. + -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" +% +But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the +system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, +analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. + -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing + Compilers" +% +"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast +to the nearest gas station." +% +But scientists, who ought to know +Assure us that it must be so. +Oh, let us never, never doubt +What nobody is sure about. + -- Hilaire Belloc +% +But soft you, the fair Ophelia: +Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, +But get thee to a nunnery -- go! + -- Mark "The Bard" Twain +% +But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who +was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal +education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in +1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of +American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was +invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he +invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant +adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends +electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the +electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant +part) sends it right back to the customer again. + +This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch +of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since +very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. +In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United +States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it +ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate +increases. + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% +"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad +place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. +Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a +kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, +poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I +explained yet about the bytes?" +% +... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. + -- Virginia Masters +% +"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable +computers?" +% +Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes +Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; +Less dear than army ants in apple pies +Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, +Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; +Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose +They suck, and like the double-breasted suit +Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, +Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; +And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: +Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; +Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. +Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, +Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. +% +By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task +completely overwhelm you. +% +"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, +it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to +invent. (R. Emerson)" + -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program + (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") + [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to + misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] +% +"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began +to suspect 'Hungry' ..." + -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" +% +By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I +mean. + -- Mark Twain +% +Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to +point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very +fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are +often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people +from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B +that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often +wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell +they wanted to be. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +C, n.: + A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more +like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or +anything else. It is either the best language available to the art +today, or it isn't. + -- Ray Simard +% +Cabbage, n.: + A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as +a man's head. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." + -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 +% +Cahn's Axiom: + When all else fails, read the instructions. +% +California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. + -- Fred Allen +% +California, n.: + From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or +Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or +"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." + -- Ed Moran +% +Call on God, but row away from the rocks. + -- Indian proverb +% +"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target +Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." +% +"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." + -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth +% +"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth +Corner, Vermont." + -- Clarence Darrow +% +Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two +points. + -- M. M. Johnston +% +Canada Bill Jone's Motto: + It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. + +Supplement: + A .44 magnum beats four aces. +% +Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents +for postage and 30 cents for storage. + -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial + Post +% +Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? +Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, +A root or two, a torus and a node: +The inverse of my verse, a null domain. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +CANCER (June 21 - July 22) + You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's +problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things +off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare +recipients are Cancer people. +% +Canonical, adj.: + The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true +story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some +annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a +point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and +eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used +the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. + Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" + Stallman: "What did he say?" + Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." +% +CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) + You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do +much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any +importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as +they take root and become trees. +% +Captain Penny's Law: + You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of +the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. +% +Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than +expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to +complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their +planning to reduce the time it takes. +% +Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and +trousers that don't match. +% +Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: + The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a +dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then +putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Cat, n.: + Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. +% +Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. + -- Mark Twain +% +Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. +% +CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. +% +Cecil, you're my final hope +Of finding out the true Straight Dope +For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat +But none of my cats are at all like that. +This unusual animal (so it is said) +Is simultaneously alive and dead! +What I don't understand is just why he +Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. +My future now hangs in between eigenstates. +In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. +If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way +And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. +But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, +Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. + -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium + of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams +% +Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. +% +Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the +center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation +works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. + -- Kelvin Throop III +% +Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, +how many? +% +Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. +Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something +Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy + out of it? +Jaka: Ugh! +Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? + -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" +% +Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long +walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They +then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy +health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, +not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find +only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the +others who have tried it. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- + Did you ever try buying them without money? + -- Ogden Nash +% + Chapter 1 + +The story so far: + + In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot +of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. +% +Character Density, n.: + The number of very weird people in the office. +% +Checkuary, n.: + The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and +ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his +checks. +% +Chef, n.: + Any cook who swears in French. +% +Chemicals, n.: + Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. +% +Chemistry is applied theology. + -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III +% +Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. +% +Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: + Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn +headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". + -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 +% +Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: + The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request +for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will +cheerfully baste you. + -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 +% +Chicago, n.: + Where the dead still vote ... early and often! +% +Chicken Little only has to be right once. +% +Chicken Little was right. +% +Chicken Soup, n.: + An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, +cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure +is neurotic dependence on one's mother. + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every +effort to teach them good manners. +% +Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're +going to catch you in next. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% +Children aren't happy without something to ignore, +And that's what parents were created for. + -- Ogden Nash +% +Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for +word what you shouldn't have said. +% +Chism's Law of Completion: + The amount of time required to complete a government project is +precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. +% +Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: + When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. +% +Chivalry, Schmivalry! + Roger the thief has a + method he uses for + sneaky attacks: +Folks who are reading are + Characteristically + Always Forgetting to + Guard their own bac ... +% +Christ: + A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. +% +Churchill's Commentary on Man: + Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the +time he will pick himself up and continue on. +% +Cigarette, n.: + A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in +between. +% +Cinemuck, n.: + The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which +covers the floors of movie theaters. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Clairvoyant, n.: + A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that +which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like +shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. + -- Phyllis Diller +% +Cleanliness is next to impossible. +% +Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. +% +"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." +% +Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. +% +Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on +society. + -- Mark Twain +% +COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. +% +Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. +% +Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- +"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." + -- Blair Houghton +% +Coincidence, n.: + You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was +going on. +% +Coincidences are spiritual puns. + -- G. K. Chesterton +% +Cold, adj.: + When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. +% +Cold, adj.: + When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own +pockets. +% +Collaboration, n.: + A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the +other fellow can spell. +% +College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the +faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if +the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, +legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the +loss to humanity. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +Colvard's Logical Premises: + All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it + won't. + +Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: + This is especially true when dealing with someone you're + attracted to. + +Grelb's Commentary + Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. +% +Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, +And every vector dreams of matrices. +Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: +It whispers of a more ergodic zone. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, +Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, +Their indices bedecked from one to _n, +Commingled in an endless Markov chain! + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +Command, n.: + Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in +such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. +% + COMMENT + +Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, +A medley of extemporanea; +And love is thing that can never go wrong; +And I am Marie of Roumania. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +Commitment, n.: + Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. +The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. +% +Committee Rules: + (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. + (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this + stamps you as being wise. + (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the + others. + (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. + (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you + popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. +% +Committee, n.: + A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group +decide that nothing can be done. + -- Fred Allen +% +Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to +be appointed to do the work. +% +Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at +different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. + -- Clive James +% +Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. + -- Josh Billings +% +Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. + -- Albert Einstein +% +Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness +of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." + -- David Guaspari +% +Computer programmers do it byte by byte +% +Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems +theory. +% +Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. +% +Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. + -- Pablo Picasso +% +Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in +the world that just don't add up. +% +Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more +than the estimate the job will cost. +% +Conceit causes more conversation than wit. + -- LaRouchefoucauld +% +Concept, n.: + Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than +$25,000. +% +... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this +business, it probably would be gibberish. + -- Thom McLeod +% +Condense soup, not books! +% +Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is +good for dandruff. + -- Peter de Vries +% +Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the +situation. +% +Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that +would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that +you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer +maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS +OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY +UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED +IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD +WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND +SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, +RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, +RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE +FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? + -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" +% +Connector Conspiracy, n: + [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the +KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of +manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) +to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old +stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive +interface devices. +% +Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking + -- H. L. Mencken +% +Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. +% +Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you +wish you weren't. +% +"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." + -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] +% +Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then +give it back to them. +% +"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and +if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern +technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." +% +Conversation, n.: + A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath +is called the listener. +% +Conway's Law: + In any organization there will always be one person who knows + what is going on. + + This person must be fired. +% +Coronation, n.: + The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and +visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite +bomb. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Corrupt, adj.: + In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. +% +Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a +muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can +make of capitalism. + -- Walter Lippmann +% +Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job +is to enforce the law and fight crime. + -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan +% +Court, n.: + A place where they dispense with justice. + -- Arthur Train +% +Coward, n.: + One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with +nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. + -- Wernher von Braun +% +Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. + -- A. E. Newman +% +Critic, n.: + A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries +to please him. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Croll's Query: + If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? +% +cursor address, n: + "Hello, cursor!" + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% +"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It +eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the +business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." + -- Johnny Hart +% +"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It +eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the +business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." + -- Johnny Hart +% +Cynic, n.: + A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not +as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking +out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Cynic, n.: + One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced +eye. +% +Dare to be naive. + -- R. Buckminster Fuller +% +Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. +% +Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." +Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." +% +Dawn, n.: + The time when men of reason go to bed. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. +% +%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory +VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears +% +Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also +easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to +improve. +% +Dear Lord: + I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On +the other hand", again. +% +Dear Miss Manners: + My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's +elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between +courses, is all right. Which is correct? + +Gentle Reader: + For the purpose of answering examinations in your home +economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this +principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now +than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners +believes that is. +% +Dear Miss Manners: + Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from +your face. + +Gentle Reader: + Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on +your face ... +% +Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part +of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old +will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a +commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as +"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a +table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always +says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, +"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this +complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim +if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a +dead bat? + +Answer: Yes. + -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" +% +Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? + +Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business +signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a +word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR +ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when +creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put +quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT +DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. + -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" +% +Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. +% +Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. + -- R. Geis +% +Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. +% +"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'". +% +Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down +% +Death is only a state of mind. + +Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. +% +Death to all fanatics! +% +Decision maker, n.: + The person in your office who was unable to form a task force +before the music stopped. +% +Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really +overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene +language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the +judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when +addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). + -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing + Assoc. +% + Deck Us All With Boston Charlie + +Deck us all with Boston Charlie, +Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! +Nora's freezin' on the trolley, +Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! + +Don't we know archaic barrel, +Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. +Trolley Molly don't love Harold, +Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! + -- Walt Kelly +% +"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of +marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a +theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, +those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly +blessed. + -- Randy Davis +% +default, n.: + [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, +mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will +come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% +#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) +#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ + - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ + - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) + + -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word +% + DELETE A FORTUNE! + +Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like +to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to +"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it +gets expunged. +% +Deliberation, n.: + The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is +buttered on. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." +% +Demand the establishment of the government +in its rightful home at Disneyland. +% +Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than +we deserve. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% +Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder +aloud what the country could do under first-class management. + -- Senator Soaper +% +Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the +incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. + -- G. B. Shaw +% +Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you +don't think. +% +Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by +Jackasses. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. + -- Jawaharlal Nehru +% +Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people +are right more than half of the time. + -- E. B. White +% +Democracy, n.: + A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass +meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. +Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. +Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, +whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, +prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. +Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. + -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), + since withdrawn. +% +Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the +board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. +% +Dentist, n.: + A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls +coins out of one's pockets. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Despising machines to a man, +The Luddites joined up with the Klan, + And ride out by night + In a sheeting of white +To lynch all the robots they can. + -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson +% +Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will +be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over +the table. + -- The Anarchist Cookbook +% + DETERIORATA + +Go placidly amid the noise and waste, +And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. +Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. +Rotate your tires. +Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, +And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. +Know what to kiss -- and when. +Remember that two wrongs never make a right, +But that three do. +Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". +Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, +And despite the changing fortunes of time, +There is always a big future in computer maintenance. + + You are a fluke of the universe ... + You have no right to be here. + Whether you can hear it or not, the universe + Is laughing behind your back. + -- National Lampoon +% +DeVries's Dilemma: + If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want +hits the paper. +% +Did I say 2? I lied. +% +Did you know ... + +That no-one ever reads these things? +% +Did you know that clones never use mirrors? + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined +them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? +% +Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot +that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: + + "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and + squirrel." + + -- ihuxw!tommyo +% +Die, v.: + To stop sinning suddenly. + -- Elbert Hubbard +% +"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a +conventional thing to happen to him." + -- John Barrymore's dying words +% +Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. +% +Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. +Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. +% +Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. +% +Disc space -- the final frontier! +% +Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be +yours too." + -- Dave Haynie +% +Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my +employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely +coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is +non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the +absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. +The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for +the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, +non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) +% +Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. +% +Distinctive, adj.: + A different color or shape than our competitors. +% +Distress, n.: + A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape +injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any +damage inflicted on the vehicle. +% +Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? +% +Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? +% +Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. +% +Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. +% +Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to +anger. +% +"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good +with ketchup." +% +Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. +Violators will be prosecuted. +(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) +% +Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. +% +Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each +day as it comes. + -- Donald Kaul +% +Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. +% +Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. +% +Do you have lysdexia? +% +Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take +the time to take the dirt out of them? +% +"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" +"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" +"I've never done anything illegal before." +"I thought you said you were an accountant!" +% +Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and +when it is bad, it is better than nothing. + -- Dick Brandon +% +Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must +be good because the programmers hate it so much. +% +Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? +% +Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. +% +Don't be humble ... you're not that great. + -- Golda Meir +% +Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. +% +Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! + -- Joe Cointment +% +"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, +sincerely, extremely dangerously. + +They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. +They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They +used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used +finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used +fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. +They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. +They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. +They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And +what the hell, they caught him. + + -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the + Tick-Tock Man" +% +Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! +% +Don't feed the bats tonight. +% +Don't get even -- get odd! +% +Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly +misleading. Debug only code. + -- Dave Storer +% +"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes +you nothing. It was here first." + -- Mark Twain +% +Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. +% +Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. +% +Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. +% +Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. +% +Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. +% +Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking +distance. +% +Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. +% +Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. +% +Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy +it today you can do it again tomorrow. +% +"Don't say yes until I finish talking." + -- Darryl F. Zanuck +% +Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. +Cheat. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! + -- "Brazil" +% +Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. + -- Walt Kelly +% +Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. +% +Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. +% +"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to +get more wax!!" +% +Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts +avoiding you. + -- The Old Farmer's Almanac +% +"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any +good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." + -- Howard Aiken +% +Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already +tomorrow in Australia. + -- Charles Schultz +% +Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too +busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. +% +Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? +% +Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she + pretty? +W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of + bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to + sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. +Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. +W. C.: It's almost impossible. + -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson + E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" +% + Double Bucky + (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") + +Double bucky, you're the one! +You make my keyboard lots of fun + Double bucky, an additional bit or two: +(Vo-vo-de-o!) +Control and Meta side by side, +Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! + Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! + +Double bucky, left and right +OR'd together, outta sight! + Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of + Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of + Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! + + -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. +% +Double-Blind Experiment, n.: + An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is +fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a +belief in the tooth fairy. +% +Down with categorical imperative! +% +"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." +% +Drew's Law of Highway Biology: + The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front +of your eyes. +% +Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. +% +Drive defensively. Buy a tank. +% +Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic +route! +% +Ducharme's Axiom: + If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize +yourself as part of the problem. +% +Ducharme's Precept: + Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. +% +Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and +it holds the universe together ... + -- Carl Zwanzig +% +Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders +has been discontinued. +% +Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate +and captain of your soul. +% +Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been +discontinued. +% + During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen +were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a +red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, +"Hey, you almost hit my wife." + "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a +shot at mine, over there." +% +During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several +times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o +% +"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have +nothing whatever to do with it." + -- W. Somerset Maugham +% +E Pluribus Unix +% +Eagleson's Law: + Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more +months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is +an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) +% +Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends +% +/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. +% +Earth is a beta site. +% +"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." + -- Jeff Berner +% +Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: + Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the +cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of +the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this +means the puzzle is solved. + -- Steve Rubenstein +% + Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. +% +"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." +% +Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. + -- John Kenneth Galbraith +% +Economics, n.: + Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. +Galbraith ... + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy +would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it +hasn't. + -- Robert Orben +% +Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a +percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. + -- Edgar R. Fiedler +% +Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. + -- Fred Allen +% +Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. + -- Irsin Edman +% +Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! + -- Bullwinkle Moose +% +Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. + -- Adlai Stevenson +% +Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many +people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable +comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where +the "nog" comes from. + +To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in +season, eggs... +% +Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain +of being a damned fool. + -- Bellamy Brooks +% +Egotist, n.: + A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Ehrman's Commentary: + (1) Things will get worse before they get better. + (2) Who said things would get better? +% +Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. + -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star +% +Eleanor Rigby + Sits at the keyboard + And waits for a line on the screen +Lives in a dream +Waits for a signal + Finding some code + That will make the machine do some more. +What is it for? + +All the lonely users, where do they all come from? +All the lonely users, why does it take so long? +% +Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. +% + Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, +called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you +have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in +most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the +time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could +have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, +although God alone knows why it would want to. + The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, +direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes +have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one +direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents +harmful electron buildup in the wires. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +Electrocution, n.: + Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. +% +Elevators smell different to midgets +% +Emersons' Law of Contrariness: + Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we +can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. +% +Encyclopedia Salesmen: + Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police +and tell them your house is being burgled. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. +Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. + -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary +% +Entropy isn't what it used to be. +% +Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which +otherwise require harder thinking. + -- Jerome Lettvin +% +Epperson's law: + When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably +something his wife can beat him at. +% +Equal bytes for women. +% +Error in operator: add beer +% +Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven + Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; +Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven + Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. + -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. + -- Woody Allen +% +Etymology, n.: + Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that +were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed +from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" +("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." + -- Mike Kellen +% +Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to +speak it to? + -- Clarence Darrow +% +"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit +there." + -- Will Rogers +% +"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% +Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United +States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a +day. +% +Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you +just how busy they are. +% +Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, +exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." +All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with +spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: +Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please +take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? +My wife is available. No. How about ..." + -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" +% +Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. +% +Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. +% +Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this +woman and stop her. +% +"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one +idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's +sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all +of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two +highly-motivated, caustic twits." + -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet +% +Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired +signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not +fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not +spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the +genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way +of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is +humanity hanging on a cross of iron. + -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 +% +Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): + +Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in +front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an +odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even +and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of +legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, +there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse +of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same +color"], that does not exist. +% +Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. + -- Frank Moore Colby +% +Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. +% +Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. + -- Don Vonada +% +"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." +% +Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. + -- Miguel de Cervantes +% +"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the +richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" + -- Robert Orben +% +Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. + +It makes sense, when you don't think about it. +% +Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one +instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every +program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. +% +Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and +another for which it wasn't. +% +Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. +% +Every solution breeds new problems. +% +Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no +guarantee of eventual success. +% +"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." +% +Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. + -- Beckett +% +Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. + -- Dykstra +% +Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. +% +Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be +taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. +% +Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to +realize it. +% +Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic +formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the +scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact +wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of +existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to +discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the +problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the +mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, +one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely +different way ... + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. +% +Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, +no one we know belongs. +% +Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being +that a belch is more satisfying. + -- Ingmar Bergman +% +Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. +% +Everything you know is wrong! +% +Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less +obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no +solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. +There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no +straight lines. + -- R. Buckminster Fuller +% + Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping +mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as +"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you +how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", +"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night +So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. + -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" +% +Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. +% +Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. +% +Excellent day to have a rotten day. +% +Excellent time to become a missing person. +% +Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from +acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. + -- W. Somerset Maugham +% +Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. +% +Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do +the work. + -- John G. Pollard +% +Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. +% +Expense Accounts, n.: + Corporate food stamps. +% +Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. + -- Olivier +% +Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake +when you make it again. + -- F. P. Jones +% +Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and +the instruction afterward. +% +Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old +ones. +% +Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. +% +Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. +% +Expert, n.: + Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. +% +Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: + + NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE + +To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully +cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand +corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and +address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- +to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower +left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card +below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your +computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL +SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card +(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the +Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be +disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print +this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and +completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. +% +F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! +% +f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. +% +f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. +% +F: When into a room I plunge, I + Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. + Then I linger, darkly brooding + On the poison they're exuding. + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% +Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. +% +Fairy Tale, n.: + A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. +% +Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic +without looking to see whether the seeds move. +% +Faith, n: + That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be +untrue. +% +Fakir, n: + A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost +religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to +have shinnied up a rope and vanished. +% +Familiarity breeds attempt +% +Families, when a child is born +Want it to be intelligent. +I, through intelligence, +Having wrecked my whole life, +Only hope the baby will prove +Ignorant and stupid. +Then he will crown a tranquil life +By becoming a Cabinet Minister + -- Su Tung-p'o +% +Famous last words: +% +Famous last words: + (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." + (2) "You and what army?" + (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be + a cop." +% +Famous last words: + (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. + (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. + (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- + (4) We won't need reservations. + (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. + (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. + (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. +% +Famous, adj.: + Conspicuously miserable. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the +Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. +Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an +utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life +forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches +are a pretty neat idea ... + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it +every six months. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +Fats Loves Madelyn +% +Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... +% +Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, +neither will you. +% + Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each +other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around +the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors +d'oeuvres. + Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes +to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your +Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright +piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. + Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with +inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down +other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and +placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when +the little hammers strike. + Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over +their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning +Christmas tree. The piano is missing. + + You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless +you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level +4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. +% +Fifth Law of Applied Terror: + If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. + +Corollary: + If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you +live. +% +Fifth Law of Procrastination: + Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that +there is nothing important to do. +% +Fifty flippant frogs +Walked by on flippered feet +And with their slime they made the time +Unnaturally fleet. +% + FIGHTING WORDS + +Say my love is easy had, + Say I'm bitten raw with pride, +Say I am too often sad -- + Still behold me at your side. + +Say I'm neither brave nor young, + Say I woo and coddle care, +Say the devil touched my tongue -- + Still you have my heart to wear. + +But say my verses do not scan, + And I get me another man! + -- Dorothy Parker +% +Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North +Carolina. +% +Finagle's Creed: + Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. +% +Finagle's First Law: + If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. +% +Finagle's fourth Law: + Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes +it worse. +% +Finagle's Second Law: + No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be +someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it +happened according to his own pet theory. +% +Finagle's Third Law: + In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, + beyond all need of checking, is the mistake + +Corollaries: + (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. + (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really + don't want to hear, will see it immediately. +% +Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture +on a rock. + -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 +% +Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. +% +Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. +% +Fine's Corollary: + Functionality breeds Contempt. +% +Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: + + "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." + +Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: + + P.O. Box 35 + Baffled Greek, Michigan +% +First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: + Machines that piss people off get murdered. + -- Pat Taber +% +First Law of Bicycling: + No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the +wind. +% +First Law of Procrastination: + Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility +for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed +the deadline). +% +First Law of Socio-Genetics: + Celibacy is not hereditary. +% +First Rule of History: + History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each +other. +% +"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" + -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" +% +First, a few words about tools. + +Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of +the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously +injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If +you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look +particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for +granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. + -- Robert Firth +% +Flappity, floppity, flip +The mouse on the m"obius strip; + The strip revolved, + The mouse dissolved +In a chronodimensional skip. +% +FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when +the little hand is on the .... +% +Flon's Law: + There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is +the least bit difficult to write bad programs. +% +Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her +husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my +joules!" + +"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux +a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." + +"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them +in my burette ... We must call a copper." + +Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, +said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name +of Lawrence Ium. + +"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and +dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can +catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an +activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... + -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" +% +flowchart, n. & v.: + [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart +"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] +1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction +problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation +using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic +doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for +wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A +thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's +Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce +flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate +(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% +Flugg's Law: + When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the +world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. +% +Flying saucers on occasion + Show themselves to human eyes. +Aliens fume, put off invasion + While they brand these tales as lies. +% +Fog Lamps, n.: + Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the +fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the +driver's brain is in a fog. + +See also "Idiot Lights". +% +Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. + -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" +% +For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... +% +For a good time, call (415) 642-9483 +% +For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a +cat. +% +"For an adequate time call 555-3321" +% +For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be +always old-fashioned. +% +For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, +and wrong. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. + -- R. Clopton +% + "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence +of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." + + "Whose?" + + "MINE! HA-HA!" +% +For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. +% +For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire +life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days +now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets +when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch +in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have +the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which +means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are +advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are +the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their +names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot +("part of this complete breakfast"). + -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" +% +For perfect happiness, remember two things: + (1) Be content with what you've got. + (2) Be sure you've got plenty. +% +For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say +"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. + -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to + the U.S. +% +For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. +% +"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of +a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with +computers altogether?" + -- Jehan Shuman +% +For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they +like. + -- Abraham Lincoln +% +"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but +phone calls taper off." + -- Johnny Carson +% +For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- +I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. +But now I think a thought that brings me hope: +Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. + -- Justin Richardson. +% +For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! +% +Forgetfulness, n.: + A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their +destitution of conscience. +% +Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. +% +FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 + +RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. + One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and + arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating + hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. +% +fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: + + I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. + "Hey you, get off my plate" + -- Roger Midnight +% +Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: + "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" +% +Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): + + Don't Write On Walls! + + (and underneath) + + You want I should type? +% +Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): + No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this +State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed +with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females +weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it +apply to female horses. +% +Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful +Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an +impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and +clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following +exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. + +DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are + having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. +HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? +DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter + is that female oysters through their living habits cast out + large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large + amounts of fertilization ... +HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many + teenagers who read The Congressional Record. +% +Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: + + Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. +% +FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 + +Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good +liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and +light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything +drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: + +Q: Are you married? +A: No, I'm divorced. +Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? +A: A lot of things I didn't know about. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: + +Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? +A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: + +THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present + information and prejudice from your minds, if you have + any ... +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: + +Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? +A: I will be three months November 8th. +Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? +A: Yes. +Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: + +Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? +A: No. +Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? +A: Picking them up in the air. +Q: Where was the dog at this time? +A: Attached to the ears. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: + +Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were + able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to + go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with + him to the station? +MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: + +Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? +A: By death. +Q: And by whose death was it terminated? +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: + +Q: What is your name? +A: Ernestine McDowell. +Q: And what is your marital status? +A: Fair. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: + +Q: What happened then? +A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify + me." +Q: Did he kill you? +A: No. +% +fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. +% +Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri +sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. + +Oh, and have a nice day! + -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 +% +Fourth Law of Applied Terror: + The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology +instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. + +Corollary: + Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do +except study for that instructor's course. +% +Fourth Law of Revision: + It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about +interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. +% +Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not +almost one, it is damn near zero. + -- David Ellis +% +Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a +policeman's tie. +% +Fresco's Discovery: + If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. +% +Friends, Romans, Hipsters, +Let me clue you in; +I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. +The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; +The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus +Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; +If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, +And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. +Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; +So are they all, all cool cats, -- +Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. +% +Frisbeetarianism, n.: + The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and +gets stuck. +% +Frobnicate, v.: + To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. +Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a +frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK +sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless +manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse +search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is +turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it +he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the +screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because +turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. +% +Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: + An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to +electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to +FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and +FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. +FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure +via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be +applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. +% +[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology +Association, in Rome]: + +The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria +and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not +spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, +or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in +millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have +reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology +engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, +president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social +schizophrenia in mass genocide. +% +From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: + +Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and +the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the +Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his +candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground +nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, +other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not +qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their +being nuts (unground)." +% +From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was +convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. + -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" +% +[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made +in Japan]: + +The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT +MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is +featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality +against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", +"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 +Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile +operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. + +And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help +achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by +HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. +% +From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the +instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new +experience in sound: + + 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading + sound is normal for this type of connector. +% +From too much love of living, +From hope and fear set free, +We thank with brief thanksgiving, +Whatever gods may be, +That no life lives forever, +That dead men rise up never, +That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. + -- Swinburne +% +Fuch's Warning: + If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well +enough to travel. +% +Fudd's First Law of Opposition: + Push something hard enough and it will fall over. +% +Furbling, v.: + Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank +even when you are the only person in line. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. + -- H. H. Williams +% +Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. +% +G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One +of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his +secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says +`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And +that's your chance, my boy." +% +Garbage In -- Gospel Out. +% +Garter, n.: + An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her +stockings and desolating the country. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall +on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! + -- Adventures of Asterix. +% +Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". + + Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound +than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: + "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." +Obvious, isn't it? + Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start +speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as +long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all +your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and +so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed +individuals and then grow ... + Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those +signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when +everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on +the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs +backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I +think not, my friend, I think not. + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% + "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an +extracurricular activity except you." + "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" + "Only to ten, Mudhead." + + -- Firesign Theater +% +"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore." +% +GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) + You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you +because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much +for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for +committing incest. +% +GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) + Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while +you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise +and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short +trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. +% +Genderplex, n.: + The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to +determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and +tortoises). + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why +you should. +% +Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus +handicapped. + -- Elbert Hubbard +% +Genius, n.: + A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with +"bright". +% +George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. + -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 +% +George Orwell was an optimist. +% +George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to +have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. + -- Ashley Cooper +% +Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: + (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong + direction. + (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. + (3) The energy required to change either one of these states + will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so + much as to make the task totally impossible. +% +Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. +% + Get GUMMed + --- ------ +The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April +1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above +the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep +each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered +chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek +nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three +days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two +seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- +friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is +Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis +"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You +Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because +all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we +could tell them. + -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 +% +Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! +% + -- Gifts for Children -- + +This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, +because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months +and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- +morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children +exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If +your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You +Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it +might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe +me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child +who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% + -- Gifts for Men -- + +Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional +ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you +should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the +clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For +example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only +three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, +that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh +at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). +So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several +years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will +pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. + +If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More +than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set +of tires. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% + Gimmie That Old Time Religion +We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, +Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, +I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, +And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! + (chorus) (chorus) + +In the church of Aphrodite, +The priestess wears a see-through nightie, +She's a mighty righteous sightie, +And she's good enough for me! + (chorus) + +CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, + Give me that old time religion, + Give me that old time religion, + 'Cause it's good enough for me! +% +Ginsberg's Theorem: + (1) You can't win. + (2) You can't break even. + (3) You can't even quit the game. + +Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: + Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem + meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's + Theorem. To wit: + + (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. + (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break + even. + (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the + game. +% +Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place +to stand, and I will drain the world. +% +"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." + -- Napolean +% +Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! +% +Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to +a new town. +% +Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. +% +"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying +around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." + -- Eric Clapton +% +Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: +Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP +machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% +Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: + Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the +probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some +useful work done. +% +Gnagloot, n.: + A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to +impress people. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Go 'way! You're bothering me! +% +Go climb a gravity well! +% +Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may +be in owning a piece thereof. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH +% +God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six +days and then pulled an all-nighter. +% +God doesn't play dice. + -- Albert Einstein +% +"God gives burdens; also shoulders" + +Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the +end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I +can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why +would he lie about a thing like that? + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... +The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do +not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman +... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on +smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and +water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in +the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at +night! + -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher +% +God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh +% +God is a polythiest +% +God is Dead + -- Nietzsche +Nietzsche is Dead + -- God +Nietzsche is God + -- The Dead +% +God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's +% +God is real, unless declared integer. +% +God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the +elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying +other things. + -- Pablo Picasso +% +God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. + -- Alfred Jarry +% +God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. +% +God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. +% +God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board + -- Mark Twain +% +God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. + -- Kronecker +% +God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. +% +God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. + -- Albert Einstein +% +God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. +% +God rest ye CS students now, +Let nothing you dismay. +The VAX is down and won't be up, +Until the first of May. +The program that was due this morn, +Won't be postponed, they say. + + Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, + Comfort and joy, + Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. + +The bearings on the drum are gone, +The disk is wobbling, too. +We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol +Can't tell false from true. +And now we find that we can't get +At Berkeley's 4.2. + + (chorus) +% +Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to +school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a +person a car. +% +Gold, n.: + A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It +is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who +immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold +hasn't done anything to them. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Goldenstern's Rules: + (1) Always hire a rich attorney + (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. +% +Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad +example. + -- La Rouchefoucauld +% +Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. +% +Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. +% +Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. +% +Good day to let down old friends who need help. +% +Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. +% +Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. +% +Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. +% +Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's +new lover. +% +"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." + -- George Saunders' dying words +% +Gordon's first law: + If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing +well. +% +"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time +travel, you never can tell." + -- Dr. Who +% +Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with +time travel, you never can tell." + -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara" +% +Got Mole problems? +Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23 +% +Goto, n.: + A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers +to complain about unstructured programmers. + -- Ray Simard +% +Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. + -- John Updike, "Couples" +% +Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are +different lies. +% +Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know +any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he +doesn't know much. + -- Will Rogers +% +Grabel's Law: + 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. +% +Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. +% +Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. +% +Grandpa Charnock's Law: + You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. +% +Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. +% +Gray's Law of Programming: + `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same +time as `_n' tasks. + +Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: + `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. +% +Great minds run in great circles. +% + GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 + +On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- +Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them +off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I +wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his +mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a +tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men +stood lookout. +% +Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic +tickets. +% +Greener's Law: + Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. +% +Grelb's Reminder: + Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above +average drivers. +% +"Grub first, then ethics." + -- Bertolt Brecht +% +Gurmlish, n.: + The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which +prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his +mouth. + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" +% +Gyroscope, n.: + A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also +free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each +other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two +mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the +other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus +offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any +torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. + -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary +% +H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. +Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. + -- Maxwell Bodenheim +% +H. L. Mencken's Law: + Those who can -- do. + Those who can't -- teach. + +Martin's Extension: + Those who cannot teach -- administrate. +% +H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, + Slice him up before he slays you. + Nothing makes you look a slob + Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% +Hacker's Law: + The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a +nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. +% +Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. +% +... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, +and you would not have been informed. +% +Hail to the sun god +He sure is a fun god +Ra! Ra! Ra! +% +Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big +enough majority in any town? + -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" +% +Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) +% +Half-done: + This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still +crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference +between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like +the difference between life and death. + You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill +there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the +airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough +Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on +Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk +about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the +man, "Let me have a nice half-done." + Worth the trouble, wasn't it? + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +Hall's Laws of Politics: + (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. + (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something + fixed. + (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend + military spending, and conservatives social spending in + their own districts). +% +Hand, n.: + A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and +commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Hanlon's Razor: + Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by +stupidity. +% +Hanson's Treatment of Time: + There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days +before Saturday. +% +Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. + -- Ogden Nash +% +Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. + -- Oscar Levant +% +Happiness, n.: + An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of +another. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? +% +Hardware, n.: + The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. +% +Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand +convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. + -- Tobias Smollet +% +Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark +The Duke is fond of kittens +He likes to take their insides out +And use them for his mittens + From "The Thirteen Clocks" +% +Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, +Advertising wondrous things. + -- Tom Lehrer +% +Harris's Lament: + All the good ones are taken. +% +Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: + Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment +ruined. +% +Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he +makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean +famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses +probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you +have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like +enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their +attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock +down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, +just like Richard Nixon." + -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" +% +Hartley's First Law: + You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float +on his back, you've got something. +% +Hartley's Second Law: + Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. +% +Harvard Law: + Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, +temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will +do as it damn well pleases. +% +"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" +"Yes, I don't have one." +"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." + -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 +% +Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are +typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter +keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use +of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is +not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. +% + Has your family tried 'em? + + POWDERMILK BISCUITS + + Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! + + They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the + strength to get up and do what needs to be done. + + POWDERMILK BISCUITS + + Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the + biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains + that indicate freshness. +% +Hatred, n.: + A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's +superiority. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Have an adequate day. +% +Have an adequate day. +% +Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is +to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a +non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? + +Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This +still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or +only serves to blunt the warning signs. + + Long live the revolution! + Have a nice day. +% +Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell +you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time +for play? +% +Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, +I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container +filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite +sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in +their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or +mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why +they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +"Have you lived here all your life?" +"Oh, twice that long." +% +Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a +crack in your sidewalk? +% +Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline +sharply the minute they start waving guns around? + -- Dr. Who +% +Have you reconsidered a computer career? +% +"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental +effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable +perversion." + -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" +% +"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions" +% +He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation +perfectly delightful. + -- Sydney Smith +% +He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and +heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope +of ever behaving "normally." + -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" +% +He hadn't a single redeeming vice. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." + -- Mark Twain +% +He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. +% +He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. + -- John Mason Brown, drama critic +% +He thought he saw an albatross +That fluttered 'round the lamp. +He looked again and saw it was +A penny postage stamp. +"You'd best be getting home," he said, +"The nights are rather damp." +% +He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. + -- Jonathon Swift +% +"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him +insufferable." +% +"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both +eyes ..." +% +He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry +attacks democracy itself. + -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS +% +He who Laughs, Lasts. +% +"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." +% +He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be +there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. +% +"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." +% +HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. +SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. + -- Walt Kelley +% +Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. +% +Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying +of nothing. + -- Redd Foxx +% +Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying +of nothing. + -- Redd Foxx +% +Heaven, n.: + A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of +their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you +expound your own. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Heavy, adj.: + Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. +% +"Heisenberg may have slept here" +% +Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. + -- Milton Friedman +% +Heller's Law: + The first myth of management is that it exists. + +Johnson's Corollary: + Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the +organization. +% +"Hello," he lied. + -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent +% +Help a swallow land at Capistrano. +% +Help fight continental drift. +% +Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! +% +Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. +% +Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! +% +HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! + -- E. E. CUMMINGS +% +Her locks an ancient lady gave +Her loving husband's life to save; +And men -- they honored so the dame -- +Upon some stars bestowed her name. + +But to our modern married fair, +Who'd give their lords to save their hair, +No stellar recognition's given. +There are not stars enough in heaven. +% +"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from +Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." +% +Here I sit, broken-hearted, +All logged in, but work unstarted. +First net.this and net.that, +And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. + +The boss comes by, and I play the game, +Then I turn back to net.flame. +Is there a cure (I need your views), +For someone trapped in net.news? + +I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, +'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. +% +Here in my heart, I am Helen; + I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. +I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; + I'm Salome, moon of the East. + +Here in my soul I am Sappho; + Lady Hamilton am I, as well. +In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, + With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. + +I'm all of the glamorous ladies + At whose beckoning history shook. +But you are a man, and see only my pan, + So I stay at home with a book. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical +lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach +your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. +Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in +pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, +but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an +important electrical lesson. + +It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed +your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small +objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will +attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and +collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your +friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the +carpet, thus completing the circuit. + +Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without +touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your +finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you +have carpeting. + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% + Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the +month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people +are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. + The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either +(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax +tadpole". + Bite the wax tadpole. + There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? + The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's +hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to +bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, +but broad satiric vistas do not open up. + -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle +% +"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like +`Psychic Wins Lottery'?" + -- Jay Leno +% +Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, +then they'd be algorithms. +% +"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" + -- W. C. Fields +% +Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person +reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, +nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. +% +"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. +As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of +equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. +Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you +probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of +course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my +experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out +of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. + +"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our +motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" + -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" +% +Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; +Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. +Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws +Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; + We buried him today because + As far as we can tell, he's dead. + -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty + Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; + "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter + Schickele +% +Higgeldy Piggeldy, +Hamlet of Elsinore +Ruffled the critics by +Dropping this bomb: +"Phooey on Freud and his +Psychoanalysis -- +Oedipus, Shmoedipus, +I just love Mom." +% +Hindsight is an exact science. +% +Hippogriff, n.: + An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. +The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. +The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which +is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full +of surprises. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Hire the morally handicapped. +% +"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had +money, he went to Southern California." +% +"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" + -- Foghorn Leghorn +% +"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." +% +History is curious stuff + You'd think by now we had enough +Yet the fact remains I fear + They make more of it every year. +% +History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. +% +History, n.: + Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we +learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from +what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long +view. + -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" +% +Hlade's Law: + If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they +will find an easier way to do it. +% +Hoare's Law of Large Problems: + Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get +out. +% +Hofstadter's Law: + It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take +Hofstadter's Law into account. +% +Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. + -- Rex Reed +% + Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's +willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop +for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say +"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home +centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas +trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise +because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every +object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... + Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the +broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has +a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the +inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the +same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at +an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of +these sometime around the middle of next week". + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: +The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. + -- Chris Shaw +% +"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" +% +Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. + -- F. M. Hubbard +% +Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." +% +Honk if you love peace and quiet. +% +Honorable, adj.: + Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative +bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the +honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Horngren's Observation: + Among economists, the real world is often a special case. +% +Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on +people. + -- W. C. Fields +% +Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. +% +"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." + -- Neil Armstrong +% +How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? +% +How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? +% +How come wrong numbers are never busy? +% +"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows." +% +How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? + -- Elliot, "E.T." +% +How doth the little crocodile + Improve his shining tail, +And pour the waters of the Nile + On every golden scale! + +How cheerfully he seems to grin, + How neatly spreads his claws, +And welcomes little fishes in, + With gently smiling jaws! + -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" +% +How doth the VAX's C compiler +Improve its object code. +And even as we speak does it +Increase the system load. + +How patiently it seems to run +And spit out error flags, +While users, with frustration, all +Tear their clothes to rags. +% +How doth the VAX's C-compiler +Improve its object code. +And even as we speak does it +Increase the system load. + +How patiently it seems to run +And spit out error flags, +While users, with frustration, all +Tear all their clothes to rags. +% +How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're +on. +% +How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? +None: "We'll fix it in software." + +How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? +None: "We'll document it in the manual." + +How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? +None: "The user can work it out." +% +"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being +carried by a waiter at a nice party?" + +Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors +d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell +what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then +say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it +back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another +cheese!" and so on. + -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" +% + How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are +3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, +who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a +nanocentury. + -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs +% +How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to +Dayton? + -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey +% +How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. +% +How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. +% +HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: + #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. +% +HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: + #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. +% +HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: + + #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of + you. +% +Howe's Law: + Everyone has a scheme that will not work. +% +However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional +manner ... sulking and nausea. + -- Tom K. Ryan +% +HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., +motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate +amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. +The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the +Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the +bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on +the bill. Agreed to. + -- Albuquerque Journal +% + Hug O' War + +I will not play at tug o' war. +I'd rather play at hug o' war, +Where everyone hugs +Instead of tugs, +Where everyone giggles +And rolls on the rug, +Where everyone kisses, +And everyone grins, +And everyone cuddles, +And everyone wins. + -- Shel Silverstein +% +Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. +% +Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in +1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an +operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral +catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of +his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took +the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the +Nobel Prize. +% +Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. +% +"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." + -- William Gilbert +% +Hurewitz's Memory Principle: + The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional +to ..... to ........ uh .............. +% +I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a +professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any +other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. + -- Richard M. Nixon + +What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? + -- Richard M. Nixon +% +"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder +have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. +This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's +reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go +by some more." + -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM +% +I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. +% +"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" + -- Paul McCracken +% +"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." + -- Gloria Steinem +% +I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. + -- Dennis Ritchie +% +"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." + -- English Professor +% +"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the +great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." + -- Winston Churchill +% +"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone +has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." + -- English Professor, Ohio University +% +I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast +with an option to buy. +% +"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater." +% +"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, +of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell +you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial +atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something +inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." + -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan +% +"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of +the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for +you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." + -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, + University of Tennessee at Knoxville +% +"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an +argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and +steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, +they don't even invite me." + -- Dave Barry +% +'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." + -- G. K. Chesterton +% +"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." + -- Will Rogers +% +"I bet the human brain is a kludge." + -- Marvin Minsky +% +I brake for chezlogs! +% +I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. + -- Biff Barf +% +I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan +prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very +bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after +relentless day. + -- Betty MacDonald +% +I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. +% +"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and +25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be +true." + -- Harry Truman +% +"I can resist anything but temptation." +% +"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." + -- Joe Walsh +% +"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." + -- Florence Henderson +% +I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can +understand it. + -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. +% +I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a +novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. + -- Fred Allen +% +"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." + -- Lillian Hellman +% +I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate +of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... + -- F. H. Wales (1936) +% +I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. + +What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good +grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause +of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the +United States would have lost World War II." + -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" +% + "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering +voice. + "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of +course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which +I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in +Elven-lore: + + "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, + Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. + Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, + This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. + The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. + The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. + If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. + If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." +% +" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights +instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is +standing still ..." + -- Steven Wright +% +I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather +dance with the cows till you come home. + -- Groucho Marx +% +"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps +the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." + -- Peter Oakley +% +"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it." +% +I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The +curtain was up. +% + I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because +we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently +leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, +in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had +time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the +library, we could call each other up: + + You: Hello? Bob? + Bob: Yes? + You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you + took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? + Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? + You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: + "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. + I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill + and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto + the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to + have to get back to you. + Bob: Fine. + -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" +% +I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an +exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to +minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary +accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a +mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the +bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always +different. + -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) +% +"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." + -- Isaac Asimov +% +"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us +with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." + -- Galileo Galilei +% +"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe +% +"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians +don't believe in astrology." + -- James R. F. Quirk +% +I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just +a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more +numbers!! +% +I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of +a frog jumping on my Breakfast. + -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 +% +"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the +nominating" + -- Boss Tweed +% +"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." + -- Ashleigh Brilliant +% +"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of +people waiting to abuse me." + -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" +% +I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. + -- Elvis Presley +% +"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." + -- Elvis Presley +% + "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said + Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- +till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for +you!'" + "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice +objected. + "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful +tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor +less." + "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean +so many different things." + "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- +that's all." + -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd +eat it, and I just hate it." + -- Clarence Darrow +% +"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." + -- Ronald Mabbitt +% +I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the +streets and frighten the horses. + -- Victor Hugo +% +"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" +% +"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. +% +"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other +hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." +% +I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that +the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is +thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists +broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. +Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off +their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... + -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE + COMING!" +% +I doubt, therefore I might be. +% +"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business +on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment +he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual +becoming, with a goal in front and not behind." + -- George Bernard Shaw +% +"I drink to make other people interesting." + -- George Jean Nathan +% +I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, +so I woke up from sheer boredom. +% +I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the +accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For +the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that +can't be measured in monetary terms. + +Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have +that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by +subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should +someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly +understand his long delay. +% +"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words." +% +"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very +reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." + -- Gotama Buddha +% +I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 +minutes of my life! +% +'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." + -- Mae West +% +I get up each morning, gather my wits. + Pick up the paper, read the obits. +If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. + So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. +% +I get up each morning, gather my wits. +Pick up the paper, read the obits. +If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. +So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. + +Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? +My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. +But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, +And think of the places my get-up has been. + -- Pete Seeger +% +"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler +Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!" + -- Mary Lou Bax +% +"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense." +% +"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means +it's going to be up all night." + -- Steven Wright +% +"I hate quotations." + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson +% +I have a simple philosophy: + + Fill what's empty. + Empty what's full. + Scratch where it itches. + -- A. R. Longworth +% +"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it +any time!" +% +"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, +which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." + -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" +% +I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth +and they never believe me. + -- Camillo Di Cavour +% +I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. + -- Edgar Allan Poe +% +"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You +sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an +eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I +have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of +beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a +guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more +of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." + -- President Harry S Truman +% +I have learned +To spell hors d'oeuvres +Which still grates on +Some people's n'oeuvres. + -- Warren Knox +% +"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming +that I have never made one." + -- James Gordon Bennett +% +"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to +make it shorter." + -- Blaise Pascal +% +I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole +____BODY! + -- from "Cerebus" #82 +% +"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% +"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." + -- Oscar Wilde +% +"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it +scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. + -- Steven Wright +% +"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." + -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 +% +"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking +his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell +beating up a child." + -- Steven Wright +% +I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked +at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. + -- Poul Anderson +% +"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere." +% +"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it." +% +I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! +% +"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." + -- Bill Hoest +% +I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. +% +"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World +War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." + -- Albert Einstein +% +"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! +The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." + -- Charles Schulz +% +"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." + -- Art Leo +% +I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to +promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want +peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of +the way and let them have it. + -- Dwight D. Eisenhower +% +"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." +% +"I like your game but we have to change the rules." +% +"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what +entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." + -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson +% +"I love to eat them Smurfies + Smurfies what I love to eat + Bite they ugly heads off, + Nibble on they bluish feet." +% +"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but +don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the +speed of light." + -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk +% +"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." + -- Ashleigh Brilliant +% +"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a +week sometimes to make it up." + -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" +% +I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts +% +"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do +was to go away." +% +"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like." +% +I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. + -- G. B. Shaw +% +"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" + -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) +% +"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the +kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled +substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no +restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we +made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given +powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative +nerve disease." + -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" +% +I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! +% +"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral +slob." + -- William F. Buckley +% + "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of +that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put +more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it +might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not +otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be +otherwise.'" + -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" +% +I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that +the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional +congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile +so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the +plumber. + +But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such +as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of +the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never +win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually +write about, such as nose-picking. + -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against + Political Fallout" +% +I really hate this damned machine +I wish that they would sell it. +It never does quite what I want +But only what I tell it. +% +"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." +% +I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope +they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. + -- Will Rogers +% +I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, +I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. +Bernoulli would have been content to die +Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +I sent a letter to the fish, +I told them, "This is what I wish." +The little fishes of the sea, +They sent an answer back to me. +The little fishes' answer was +"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." +I sent a letter back to say +It would be better to obey. +But someone came to me and said +"The little fishes are in bed." +I said to him, and I said it plain +"Then you must wake them up again." +I said it very loud and clear, +I went and shouted in his ear. +But he was very stiff and proud, +He said "You needn't shout so loud." +And he was very proud and stiff, +He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." +I took a kettle from the shelf, +I went to wake them up myself. +But when I found the door was locked +I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, +And when I found the door was shut, +I tried to turn the handle, But ... + + "Is that all?" asked Alice. + "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." + -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." + -- Graffito in Los Angeles +% +"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was +supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which +actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." + -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning + Points in l'Amour" +% +"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full +house and four people died." + -- Steven Wright +% +"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to +see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." + -- Shirley Temple +% +I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do +too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which +direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After +much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot +tub to face is up. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 +because I couldn't remember the proof." + -- Baker, Pure Math 351a +% +"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." +% +I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick +and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this +country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people +in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly +not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. + -- Monty Python +% +I think that I shall never see +A billboard lovely as a tree. +Perhaps, unless the billboards fall +I'll never see a tree at all. + -- Ogden Nash +% +I think that I shall never see +A thing as lovely as a tree. +But as you see the trees have gone +They went this morning with the dawn. +A logging firm from out of town +Came and chopped the trees all down. +But I will trick those dirty skunks +And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. +% +"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple +to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the +farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light +into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from +the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing +off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the +color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on +out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars +singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." + -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club +% +I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown +... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think +we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. +When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we +are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was +driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa +Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, +were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous +conversation ... + -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" +% +"I thought you were trying to get into shape." +"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." +% +" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a +pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" + -- Winston Churchill +% +I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in +twenty minutes. It's about Russia. + -- Woody Allen +% +I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. +% +"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." +% +"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." +% +"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my +body. Then I realized who was telling me this." + -- Emo Phillips +% +I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere +near the place. + -- Steven Wright +% +I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to +animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for +anything connected with society except that which makes the roads +safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women +warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. + -- Brendan Behan +% +"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. +Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE +HAW"!!'" + -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" +% +I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know +anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is +a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows +up. + -- Will Rogers +% +"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I +put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured +what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I +should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to +get off my driveway." + -- Steven Wright +% +"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I +didn't know." + -- Mark Twain +% +I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending +their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to +buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. + -- Emile Henry Gauvreay +% +"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full +house and four people died." + -- Steven Wright +% +"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything +specific". + -- Steven Wright +% +I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained +it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass +stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. +I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be +absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had +developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. +Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's +temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I +chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to +the point where it would not run at all. + -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black + Holes and the Fate of Stars" +% +"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any +questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the +speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? + +He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work +for him then. + -- Steven Wright +% +"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in +the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't +included." + -- Steven Wright +% +"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the +statues that are in all the other museums." + -- Steven Wright +% +I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that +it took seven others to beat him! +% +"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. +There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." + -- Gallagher +% +"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've +always worked for me." + -- Hunter S. Thompson +% +"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got +to undo it." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I +snore." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in +`Y.'" +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my +blender." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my +garage door." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from +Julian to Gregorian." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for +static cling." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my +cottage cheese sculpture." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma +transplant." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never +came back." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say +tuned." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that +need worrying about." +% +"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." +% +"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, +carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, +I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." + -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H +% +I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd +listen to it! + -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire +% +I'll grant thee random access to my heart, +Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; +And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove +And in our bound partition never part. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. +That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." + -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] +% +"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from +man." +% +I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! +% +"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my +sister." +% +I'm changing my name to Chrysler +I'm going down to Washington, D.C. +I'll tell some power broker + What they did for Iacocca +Will be perfectly acceptable to me! +I'm changing my name to Chrysler, +I'm heading for that great receiving line. +When they hand a million grand out, + I'll be standing with my hand out, +Yessir, I'll get mine! + -- Tom Paxton +% +I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. +% +"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did." +% +"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to +die in." + -- George McGovern +% +I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. + -- Fred Allen +% +I'm going to live forever, or die trying! + -- Spider Robinson +% +... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a +KOSHER DELI!! +% +"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" + -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate +% +i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be +living apart. + -- e. e. cummings +% +I'm N-ary the tree, I am, +N-ary the tree, I am, I am. +I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, +She's traversed me seven times before. +And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) +Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) +I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. +N-ary the tree I am, I am, +N-ary the tree I am. +% +"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. +It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." +% +"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday +life." +% +I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is +-- I could be just as proud for half the money. + -- Arthur Godfrey +% +I'm rated PG-34!! +% +"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL +soon ..." +% +"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it +(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." + -- English Professor, Providence College +% +I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, +I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; +In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, +I am the very model of a modern Major-General. + -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" +% +"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's +lives" +% +I've built a better model than the one at Data General +For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral +My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; +My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. +My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, +You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; +There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; +My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. + +I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: +There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, +Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral +I've built a better model than the one at Data General. + + -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of + "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", + by Gilbert & Sullivan) +% +I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. +% +I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was +this little hole in the bottom ... + -- John Croll +% +I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. +% +I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. + -- Groucho Marx +% +I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes +on the same day. +% +"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer." +% +"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" + -- Senator Claghorn +% +I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; +And from that full meridian of my glory +I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, +Like a bright exhalation in the evening +And no man see me more. + -- Shakespeare +% +IBM had a PL/I, + Its syntax worse than JOSS; +And everywhere this language went, + It was a total loss. +% +Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box +of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. +% +Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like +solitary confinement. +% +Idiot Box, n.: + The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the +stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Idiot, n.: + A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human +affairs has always been dominant and controlling. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape +at about 30 miles/second. + -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming +% +If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. + -- Roy Santoro +% +"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." + -- Paul White +% +If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus +forecast is a camel's behind. + -- Edgar R. Fiedler +% +If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y +is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. + -- Albert Einstein +% +If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 +passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. + -- T. Cheatham +% +If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four +hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where +it votes guilty. + -- Joseph C. Goulden +% +If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake +him up. +% +If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. +% +If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have +dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to +maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it +must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf. + -- Donald A. Metz +% +"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good +attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to +playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- +unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager +can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" + -- Sparky Anderson +% +If all be true that I do think, +There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; +Good friends, good wine, or being dry, +Or lest we should be by-and-by, +Or any other reason why. +% +If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular +error. + -- John Kenneth Galbraith +% +If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot +platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave +that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. +% +If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. + -- Paul Beatty +% +If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a +conclusion. + -- William Baumol +% +If an S and an I and an O and a U +With an X at the end spell Su; +And an E and a Y and an E spell I, +Pray what is a speller to do? +Then, if also an S and an I and a G +And an HED spell side, +There's nothing much left for a speller to do +But to go commit siouxeyesighed. + -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" +% +If anything can go wrong, it will. +% +If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. +% +If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. +% +If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four +tellers? +% +"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" +% +If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? +% +If everybody minded their own business, the world would go +around a deal faster. + -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. +% +... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with +the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls +asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three +to a can. +% +If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. +% +If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. +% +If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit +Ears. +% +If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their +Heads. +% +If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with +green, baggy skin. +% +If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. +% +If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to +invent it. +% +If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger +hands. +% +If God is dead, who will save the Queen? +% +If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? +% +"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." + -- Yiddish saying +% +If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? + -- Marvin Kitman +% +"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be +replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" +% +If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! + -- Samuel Goldwyn +% +If I don't drive around the park, +I'm pretty sure to make my mark. +If I'm in bed each night by ten, +I may get back my looks again. +If I abstain from fun and such, +I'll probably amount to much; +But I shall stay the way I am, +Because I do not give a damn. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. +% +If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the +plantation and go home. + -- Eugene P. Gallagher +% +If I had any humility I would be perfect. + -- Ted Turner +% +"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." + -- Albert Einstein +% +If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the +shoulders of giants. + -- Isaac Newton + +In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side +with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. + -- Gerald Holton + +If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing +on my shoulders. + -- Hal Abelson + +In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. + -- Brian K. Reid +% +If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. + +On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is +also a psychological interaction. + +The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so +friendly. + +The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. + -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" +% +If I traveled to the end of the rainbow +As Dame Fortune did intend, +Murphy would be there to tell me +The pot's at the other end. + -- Bert Whitney +% +If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? +% +If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. +% +If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. +They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun +of it. + -- Thomas Carlyle +% +"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they +forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll +just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. +And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* +pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! +And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and +think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to +receive Net Mail ..." + -- Leith (Casey) Leedom +% +If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. +% +If little else, the brain is an educational toy. + -- Tom Robbins +% +If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women +you've got in the house. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by +the page number. +% +If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. +% +"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think +little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and +Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." + -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) +% +If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. + -- A. Einstein. +% +If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit +in my name at a Swiss bank. + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. +% +If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without +having to accomplish anything. +% +If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, +he should see how bad it is with representation. +% +If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of +arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the +physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker +entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. + -- Vannevar Bush +% +If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied +harder. + -- Pope John Paul I +% +"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." + -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 +% +If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would +presumably flunk it. + -- Stanley Garn +% +If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. + -- Norm Schryer +% +If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to +get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. +See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving +the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting +that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The +college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious +and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to +rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. +Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure +interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by +opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for +himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for +boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson +% +"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for +me!" + -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) +% +If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances +are 50-50 it will. +% +If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If +the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the +bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will +exceed all expectations. + -- Reverend Chichester +% +If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. +% +If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that +will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. +% +If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? + -- Art Hoppe +% +If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make +something out of you. + -- Muhammad Ali +% +If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. +% +If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. +% +If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? +% +If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was +yesterday? +% +If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is +doing the thinking. + -- Lyndon Baines Johnson +% +If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. + -- Laurence J. Peter +% +"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely" +% +"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage." +% +If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel +in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary +qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. + -- Marguerite Emmons +% +If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? + -- Ann Edwards-Duff +% +"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." + -- J. Paul Getty +% +If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. +% +If you can read this, you're too close. +% +If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. +% +If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a +call. +% +If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. +% +If you cannot convince them, confuse them. + -- Harry S Truman +% +If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? +% +If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. +% +If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. + -- Clarence Day +% +If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. + -- Freeman Dyson +% +"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little +Lavoris in the toilet." + -- Jay Leno +% +If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to +either of you for the rest of the day. +% +"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to +have to get a toehold in the public eye." +% +If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody +will. +% +If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it +will always do it. + -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin +% +"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is +make the rubble bounce" + -- Winston Churchill +% +If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. +% +If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. +% +"If you have to hate, hate gently" +% +If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to +boot yourself in the posterior. + -- A. J. Liebling +% +If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. +% +If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. + -- Graham Summer +% +If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few +people die past the age of a hundred. + -- George Burns +% +If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you +really make them think they'll hate you. +% +If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. + -- Maslow +% +If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure +can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly +develop. +% +If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite +you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. + -- Mark Twain +% +If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, +you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get +ice, but no cup. +% +If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But +this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is +somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. +% +If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're +the sucker. +% +If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. +% +If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, +It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. + Or some joker who is slicker, + Will trick you of your liquor, +If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. +% +If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. + -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard +% +If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens +tomorrow! +% +If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car +payments. + -- Earl Wilson +% +If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. + -- Arthur Kasspe +% +If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest +shopping center in the world? + -- Richard M. Nixon +% +If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest +shopping center in the world? + -- Richard Nixon +% +If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would +be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call +you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw +another party next year. + +What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up +several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've +been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to +avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning +parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from +having another one ... + +If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless +your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas +through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure +that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting +someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... +% +If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them +end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. + -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" +% +"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." + -- A. L. +% +If you want divine justice, die. + -- Nick Seldon +% +If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people +he gave it to. + -- Dorthy Parker +% +If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the +Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's +statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington +telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with +titles beginning with the word "National". + -- George Will +% +If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every +word you say, talk in your sleep. +% +"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some +memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, +even if they don't know what it means." + -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" +% +If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. +% +If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for +tomorrow morning, sleep late. + -- Henny Youngman +% +If you're happy, you're successful. +% + If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs +around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace +explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The +"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and +deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the +better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random +with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives +you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a +successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. + And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. +You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How +difficult can it be?" + Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, +which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying +other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up +yourself for far less money. This article can help you. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. +% +If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. + -- Benjamin Disraeli +% +If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? +% +"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round +it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the +universe?" +% +If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. + -- Ronald Reagan +% +Ignisecond, n.: + The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car +door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux + Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, +Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, + Et le m^omerade horgrave. + -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +Iles's Law: + There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly +at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. +Neither will Iles. +% +Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the +land He's trying to ignore. +% +Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. + -- Jules de Gaultier +% +"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the +usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody +thinks of complaining." + -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal +% +Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has +a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk +storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on +voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. +What's the first question that the computer community asks? + +"Is it PC compatible?" +% +Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. + -- Jack Paar +% +Immortality -- a fate worse than death. + -- Edgar A. Shoaff +% +Impartial, adj.: + Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from +espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two +conflicting opinions. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the +mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the +Boss is reading it. +% +Impossible, adj.: + (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; +(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may +perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. + -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" +% +In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of +stairs. +% +In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled +waffles. +% +In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't +get parts. +% +In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The +creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. +% +In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred +syrup. +% +In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only +we can't control when the five year period will begin. +% + In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, +junior, what are you up to?" + "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the +rabbit. + "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" + "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the +rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied +expression on his face. + Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" + "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits +devour wolves." + "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" + "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes +out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. +Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody +should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting +next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. + +The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- +it's your PhD advisor that really counts. +% +In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" +Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. + -- Frank Mankiewicz +% +In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, +"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." + -- Mark Twain +% +In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground +with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call +this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. +% +In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so +sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All +those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the +devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up +as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. + -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" +% +In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one +of the risks he takes. + -- Adlai Stevenson +% +In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own +incompetency + -- The Peter Principle +% +In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) +are to be treated as variables. +% +"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of +nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." + -- Stuart Keate +% +In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own +at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. +% +In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. +% +In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools +will be temporarily canceled. +% +In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and +make it better. +% +In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle +a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order +to get her attention. +% +In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride +in any motor vehicle. +% +"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." + -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery +% +In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door +neighbor. +% +In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. +% +In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last +resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but +inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our +programming languages. +% +In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on +the sidewalks when a concert is on. +% +In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come +into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish +between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which +will only make it mushy. + -- Mark Twain +% +In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your +pocket. +% +In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any +pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while +either flying or waiting to board a plane. +% +In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless +there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red +flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. +% +In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as +to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the +speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. +% +"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the +universe." + -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos +% +In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, +intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from +the cares of office. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds +and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. +% +In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying +of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public +view." +% +In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space +Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. +Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, +We shall encounter, counting, face to face. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that +is over six feet in length. +% +In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% +"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." +% +In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. +% +In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a +moving automobile. +% +[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You +could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense +that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... + +And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory +over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we +didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no +point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; +we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... + +So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in +Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost +___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and +rolled back. + -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" +% +In the beginning was the word. +But by the time the second word was added to it, +there was trouble. +For with it came syntax ... + -- John Simon +% +In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat +hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am +training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the +net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any +preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you +close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be +empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. +% +In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in +the proper order then why can't he? +% +In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful +Dead. + -- Egyptian Book of the Dead +% +In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. + -- Alan Perlis +% +In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or +a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it +to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by +forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you +stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit +punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong +enough to punch you. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has +shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the +Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million +three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years +from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. +... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such +wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of +fact. + -- Mark Twain +% +In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to +drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at +discotheques. + -- Art Linkletter +% +In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take +my advice. + -- Winston Churchill +% +In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without +the supervision of a licensed engineer. +% +In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse +along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. +% +Incumbent, n.: + Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves +smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is +not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. + -- Stephen Crane +% +Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? +% +Individualists unite! +% +Infancy, n.: + The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven +lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon +afterward. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Information Center, n.: + A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is +to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. +% +Ingrate, n.: + A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of +indigestion. +% +Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. + -- Martin Luther King, Jr. +% +Ink, n.: + A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and +water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote +intellectual crime. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Innovation is hard to schedule. + -- Dan Fylstra +% +Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. +% +Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the +salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. +% +Interpreter, n.: + One who enables two persons of different languages to +understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to +the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. +% + INVENTORY +Four be the things I am wiser to know: +Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. + +Four be the things I'd been better without: +Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. + +Three be the things I shall never attain: +Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. + +Three be the things I shall have till I die: +Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. +% +Iron Law of Distribution: + Them that has, gets. +% +"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" + -- Douglas Hofstadter +% +Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is +meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a +soap bubble? +% +Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the +beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get +out, and such as are out wish to get in? + -- Ralph Emerson +% +Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! +% +Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction +listen to weather forecasts and economists? + -- Kelvin Throop III +% +Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune +tellers take economists seriously? +% +Issawi's Laws of Progress: + + The Course of Progress: + Most things get steadily worse. + + The Path of Progress: + A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. +% +It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working +as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he +had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, +"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed +Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival +came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer +this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the +Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. +To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's +your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, +"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" +% +It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown +came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and +applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I +think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the +wits, who believe that it is a joke. +% +It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is +thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have +drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself +that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that +one can learn." + -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman +% +It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have +been searching for evidence which could support this. + -- Bertrand Russell +% +It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. +% +It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to +program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in +organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be +self-critical? + -- Alan Perlis +% +It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of +Urbana, Illinois. +% +It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will +not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves +and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like +mature human beings ... + -- Playboy, January 1983 +% +It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a +pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the +sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. + -- Voltaire +% +It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what +they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed +that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so +much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins +had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But +conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more +intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. + +Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending +destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to +alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were +misinterpreted ... + -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The + Galaxy" +% +It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be +coming up it. + -- Henry Allen +% +It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? +One in a million, perhaps. +% +It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark +% +It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three +benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never +to use either. + -- Mark Twain +% +It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both +incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by +twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. + -- Rod Serling +% +"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is +lightly greased." + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% +It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its +proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community +a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to +treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the +focus of attention, the harder the task. + -- Sydney J. Harris +% +It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice +versa. +% +It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. +% +It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct +one. +% +It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because +if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of +people. + -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" +% +It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood +Boulevard at one time. +% +It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. +% +It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry +a tune. + -- Woody Allen +% +It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so +ingenious. +% +It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not +desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. + -- Woody Allen +% +It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our +offense consists in doubting it. + -- Justice Robert H. Jackson +% +It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the +problem. +% +It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be +privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to +corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% +It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. + -- Gore Vidal +% +It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one +damn thing over and over. + -- Edna St. Vincent Millay +% +It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? + -- Elizabeth Carpenter +% +It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a +pit. +% +It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that +virginity could be a virtue. + -- Voltaire +% +It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their +dignity. +% +It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared +to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. + -- Havelock Ellis +% +It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to +students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential +programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of +regeneration. + -- Dijkstra +% +It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the +lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as +high as the eagle? +% +It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a +statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more +glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through +which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the +day, that is the highest of arts. + -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" +% +It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad +crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed +until the other has gone. +% +It is the business of little minds to shrink. + -- Carl Sandburg +% +It is the business of the future to be dangerous. + -- Hawkwind +% +It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for +five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But +it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. +% +It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the +future. +% +It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. +% +It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too +good either if you speak when your head is empty. +% +It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a +warning to others. +% +"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" + -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 +% +It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the +flag. +% +It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the +municipality. + -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio +% +"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, +but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." + -- Robert Benchly +% +It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. +% +"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set +foot." +% +It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a +breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was +broken ... + -- James Dent +% +"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps +I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I +don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and +the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual +charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its +novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but +yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable +man a lifetime." + -- Thomas Aldrich +% + It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east +laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The +thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, +nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying +for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. + Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating +under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting +icepacks. + -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" +% +It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like +the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. +% +It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on +the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. +% +It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human +nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant +examples. + -- Charles Dickens +% +It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing +warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or +two things still safe to eat. + -- Robert Fuoss +% +It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. + -- Andrew Jackson +% +"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone +underwear." +% +It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. +% +"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." + -- Steven Wright +% +"It's a summons." +"What's a summons?" +"It means summon's in trouble." + -- Rocky and Bullwinkle +% +It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. + -- Churchy La Femme +% +It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. +% +"It's bad luck to be superstitious." + -- Andrew W. Mathis +% +It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. + -- Marty Winch +% +"It's easier said than done." + +... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than +said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than +said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than +done". +% +It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. +% +It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for +being right. +% +"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an +hour!" + -- Macy's +% +It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. +% +It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it +is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It +isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. + -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News +% +It's just a jump to the left + And then a step to the right. +Put your hands on your hips + And pull your knees in tight. +It's the pelvic thrust + That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane + + LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! + + -- Rocky Horror Picture Show +% +"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." + -- Walt Disney +% +"It's Like This" + +Even the samurai +have teddy bears, +and even the teddy bears +get drunk. +% +It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong +direction. +% +"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." +% +It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. + -- Sam Goldwyn +% +It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how +to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. + -- George Burns +% +It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. + -- Phil White +% +"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." + -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston +% +It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. + -- Alexander Korda +% +"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." + -- Cal Keegan +% +It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's +what you're taking for it... +% +It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off +the ground. + -- Daniel B. Luten +% +It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it +happens. + -- Woody Allen +% +It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. + -- Garfield +% +It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that +English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many +other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. + -- Sydney J. Harris +% +It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... +% +It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. +% +It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the +Devil when he is the only explanation of it. +% +It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which +raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody +not to. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% +It's the thought, if any, that counts! +% + JACK AND THE BEANSTACK + by Mark Isaak + + Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL +character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their +hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices +are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some +BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it +to him. + So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, +he met the traveling salesman. + "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman +in high-level language. + "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips +and Apples," commented Jack. + "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue +there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." + Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when +he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she +started thrashing. + "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these +kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the +window ... +% +Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: + No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the +legislature is in session. +% +James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total +indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. + -- Tom Stoppard +% +Jenkinson's Law: + It won't work. +% +Jesus Saves, +Moses Invests, +But only Buddha pays Dividends. +% +Job Placement, n.: + Telling your boss what he can do with your job. +% +Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! +% +Johnson's First Law: + When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the +most inconvenient possible time. +% +Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called +"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do +anything loses. +% +Join the march to save individuality! +% +Jone's Law: + The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone +to blame it on. +% +Jone's Motto: + Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. +% +Jones's First Law: + Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of +endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction +to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their +original contribution. +% +Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac +(and nobody cares about it). + -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 +% +Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good +solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires +one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the +winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is +because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise +mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political +motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the +whole truth. + -- Stephen R. Schwambach +% +Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has +changed. + -- Irene Peter +% +Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. +% +Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he +knows what it is. +% +Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you +get a prompt, type like hell. +% +"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't +immune to bullets" + -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" +% +"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some +of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" + -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US +% +Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to +twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! +% +`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, + As he landed his crew with care; +Supporting each man on the top of the tide + By a finger entwined in his hair. + +'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: + That alone should encourage the crew. +Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: + What I tell you three times is true.' +% +Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a +faster rat!!! +% +Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! + -- Michael J. Wagner +% +Justice is incidental to law and order. + -- J. Edgar Hoover +% +Justice, n.: + A decision in your favor. +% +K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; + Cobol's wordy and confining; + KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; + Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% +Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to +wear tail lights. +% +Katz' Law: + Man and nations will act rationally when all other +possibilities have been exhausted. +% +Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. +% +Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze + - Hellman's Mayonnaise +% +Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. +% +Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. +% +Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: + (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc + straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this + force is technically termed "car suck"). + (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive + than "Watch this!" +% +Keep you Eye on the Ball, +Your Shoulder to the Wheel, +Your Nose to the Grindstone, +Your Feet on the Ground, +Your Head on your Shoulders. +Now ... try to get something DONE! +% +Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most +automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the +numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the +driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the +dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know +what's wrong." +% +Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: + Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, +and parking for the faculty. +% +Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could +travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the +original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate +teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for +grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate +teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. + -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly + Do" +% +Kin, n.: + An affliction of the blood +% +Kinkler's First Law: + Responsibility always exceeds authority. + +Kinkler's Second Law: + All the easy problems have been solved. +% +"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." +% +Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through +any of its streets. +% +Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. +% +Kiss your keyboard goodbye! +% +Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. +% +Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. +% +Kleptomaniac, n.: + A rich thief. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. +% +Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. + -- Henry N. Camp +% +Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): + The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Labor, n.: + One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Lackland's Laws: + (1) Never be first. + (2) Never be last. + (3) Never volunteer for anything +% +Lactomangulation, n.: + Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly +that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Ladybug, ladybug, +Look to your stern! +Your house is on fire, +Your children will burn! +So jump ye and sing, for +The very first time +The four lines above +Have been put into rhyme. + -- Walt Kelly +% +Laetrile is the pits +% +Langsam's Laws: + (1) Everything depends. + (2) Nothing is always. + (3) Everything is sometimes. +% +Larkinson's Law: + All laws are basically false. +% +Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with +was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting +pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the +farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their +sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do +you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? +What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead +of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under +the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops +whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which +Lassie filed the applications for. + -- Dave Barry +% +"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment +had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to +my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" + -- Steven Wright +% +"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police +record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense +of humor." +% +Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. +% +Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. +% +"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." + -- Victor Borge +% +Law of Communications: + The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications +between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of +misunderstanding. +% +Law of Probable Dispersal: + Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly +distributed. +% +Law of Selective Gravity: + An object will fall so as to do the most damage. + +Jenning's Corollary: + The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is +directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. +% +Law of the Perversity of Nature: + You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the +bread to butter. +% +Laws of Serendipity: + + (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for + something. + (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already + be engaged in making an inferior one. +% +Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: + No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- +approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. +% +Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. +% +Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and +everything else follows in the same way. + -- Alan J. Perlis +% +Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. +% +Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the +fun? +% +Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: + "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour +unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a +drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he +can." +% +Leibowitz's Rule: + When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you +hold the hammer with both hands. +% +LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) + You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are + pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike + honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people + are thieves. +% +LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) + Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. + Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because + you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of + fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got + a sick sense of humor. +% +Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. +% +"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a +number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash +and another number." + -- James Estes +% +Let us live!!! +Let us love!!! +Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! + +You first. +% +Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every +relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you +really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the +end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the +qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and +bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind +his back." + -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn +% +Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick +your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as +Mental Anguish. You would sue: + +* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions + section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand + into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls + in there". + +* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious + cretin like yourself. + +* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this + case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you + a large cash settlement anyway. + -- Dave Barry +% +Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often +overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of +dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your +tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to +spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe +money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will +probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? +It's not his money. + -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" +% +LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) + +Dear Sir, + +I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or +to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in +public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result +in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn +will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed +agricultural industry. + +Yours faithfully, + Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. + Sevenoaks +% +Lewis's Law of Travel: + The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to +anyone, ever. +% +Liar, n.: + A lawyer with a roving commission. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. + -- Harry Emerson Fosdick +% +LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) + Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your + desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and + polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. +% +LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) + You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with + reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. + Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most + Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal + disease. +% +Lie, n.: + A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one +discovered to date. +% +Lieberman's Law: + Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. +% +Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. +% +Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. +% +"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to +eat it nevertheless." + -- Flaubert +% +"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." +% +Life is like a simile. +% +Life is like an analogy +% +Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find +there is nothing in it. +% +"Life is too important to take seriously." + -- Corky Siegel +% +"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of +which I disapprove." +% +"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" + -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie +% +"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it +weren't for other people" + -- Blore +% +Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. +% +"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." + -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made +sense from things she found in gift shops. + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. +% +Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking +for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. + -- Alan McKay +% +Limericks are art forms complex, +Their topics run chiefly to sex. + They usually have virgins, + And masculine urgin's, +And other erotic effects. +% +Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. +% +Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe + we should think only about today. +Charlie Brown: + No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get + better. +% +Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. + -- Candice Bergen +% +Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip +around the Sun. +% +Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted +before. +% +Lizzie Borden took an axe, +And plunged it deep into the VAX; +Don't you envy people who +Do all the things ___YOU want to do? +% +Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these +interest rates, we don't need it." +% +Lobster: + Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are +squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the +only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to +eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial +before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most +ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime +in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its +unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of +the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, +"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a +memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe +at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. +Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, +too. + -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils + into Excuses and Apologies" +% +Lockwood's Long Shot: + The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't +one in a million, but once would be enough. +% +Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. +% +... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and +legally ... impeccable! +% +Logicians have but ill defined +As rational the human kind. +Logic, they say, belongs to man, +But let them prove it if they can. + -- Oliver Goldsmith +% +Look out! Behind you! +% +Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us +to pay income taxes, too? + -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox +% +Loose bits sink chips. +% +Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, +BOOGA!" +% +Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. +% +Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in +Halstead, Kansas. +% +Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. +% +Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. +% +Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the +world has ever seen. +% +Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. + -- Sigmund Freud +% +"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it +flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." + -- Matt Groening +% +Love is a word that is constantly heard, +Hate is a word that is not. +Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. +Love, I have read, is hot. +But hate is the verb that to me is superb, +And Love but a drug on the mart. +Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, +But Hating, my boy, is an Art. + -- Ogden Nash +% +"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with +the ideal never goes unpunished." + -- Goethe +% +Love is sentimental measles. +% +Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. +% +Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. + -- Louise Beal +% +Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up +to. +% + Love's Drug + +My love is like an iron wand + That conks me on the head, +My love is like the valium + That I take before my bed, +My love is like the pint of scotch + That I drink when I be dry; +And I shall love thee still, my dear, + Until my wife is wise. +% +Lowery's Law: + If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing +anyway. +% +LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. +% +Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: + There's always one more bug. +% +Lunatic Asylum, n.: + The place where optimism most flourishes. +% +Lysistrata had a good idea. +% +"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into +the smallest amount of thoughts." + -- Winston Churchill +% +Machine-Independent, adj.: + Does not run on any existing machine. +% +Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, +and play games -- but not with pleasure. + -- Leo Rosten +% +Mad, adj.: + Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them +first for seven hours, they always come out tender. + -- W. C. Fields +% +MAFIA, n: + [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance +Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore +subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is +rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy +reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP +operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that +MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped +variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex +security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a +more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an +imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES +options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. +Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a +powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and +entire nodal aggravations. + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% +Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism + +Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. + +The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works +of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject +with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human +knowledge. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Magnocartic, adj.: + Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping +carts. + -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" +% +Magpie, n.: + A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it +might be taught to talk. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Maier's Law: + If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed + of. + +Corollaries: + (1) The bigger the theory, the better. + (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than + 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to + obtain a correspondence with the theory. +% +Main's Law: + For every action there is an equal and opposite government +program. +% +Maintainer's Motto: + If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. +% +Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly + as one man. + +Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. + +Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Majority, n.: + That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. +% +Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! +% +Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users +tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It +has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is +the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. + -- System V.2 administrator's guide +% +Malek's Law: + Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. +% +Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good + joke is. + +Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- + +Man 1: ______TIMING! +% +"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." + -- Lily Tomlin +% +Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called +upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the +only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. + -- Wernher von Braun +% +Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. + -- Mark Twain +% +Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the +victims he intends to eat until he eats them. + -- Samuel Butler +% +Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the +victims he intends to eat until he eats them. + -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) +% +Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it +is an enemy. + -- Albert Einstein +% +Man, n.: + An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks +e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief +occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which, +however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole +habitable earth and Canada. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Mandrell: "You know what I think?" +Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you + don't think, right?" + -- Dr. Who +% +Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, +dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive +man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the +air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first +primitive umpire. + +What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as +mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. + -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" +% +Manual, n.: + A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a +given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The +information you need in in the others. + -- Ray Simard +% +Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, +there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he +was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how +completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... + -- Walt Kelly +% +Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: + Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a +simple yes or no answer. +% +Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. + -- Voltaire +% +Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on +the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam +dancing. + -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 +% +Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. + -- Malcolm Smith +% +Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. + -- R. Drabek +% +Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they +translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something +entirely different. + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe +% +Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is +described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can +play. + -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by + James Blish +% +"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." +% +Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a +receipt. +% +Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. + -- Jules Feiffer +% +May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts +% +May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! +% +May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. +% +May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a +Thousand Caramels. +% +Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. + -- R. S. Barton +% +Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge +it. +% +McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: + If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not +$19.95. +% +Meader's Law: + Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to +everyone you know, only more so. +% +Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. +% +Meeting, n.: + An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or +department not represented in the room must solve a problem. +% +Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures +from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha +Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man +had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. + -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams +% +Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and +it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin +very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently +tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... + [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important + world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the + next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] +... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your +cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of +billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even +more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a +fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the +older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and +obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the +window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger +hotshot cells moving up from below. + -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" +% +Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: + The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. +% +Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: + The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the +cork makes when it is popped. +% +Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: + All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. +% +Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: + Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that +is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can +never hope to acquire it. +% +Menu, n.: + A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. +% +Meskimen's Law: + There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to +do it over. +% +MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. +% +Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. +% +methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- +ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- +phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- +taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- +glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- +nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- +minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- +cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- +leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- +cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- +lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- +sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- +cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- +nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- +nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- +partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- +glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- +valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- +cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- +nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- +rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- +glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- +sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- +lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- +glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: + The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a + 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. + -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and +% +Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. +% +Micro Credo: + Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. +% +"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been +watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." +% +"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you +out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." +% +Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" +Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO + inconsiderate." + -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" +% +Miksch's Law: + If a string has one end, then it has another end. +% +Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. + -- Groucho Marx +% +Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. + -- Groucho Marx +% +Millihelen, adj: + The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. +% +Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with +themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. + -- Susan Ertz +% +Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that +politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum +and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they +are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to +rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all +the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert +Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert +Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when +Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the +black. + -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" +% +Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there +is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, +myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in +the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my +unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You +will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as +dead as a door-nail. +% +Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. +% +Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap +pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. +% +Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. +% +Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. + -- Russell Baker +% +Misfortune, n.: + The kind of fortune that never misses. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Miss, n.: + A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that +they are in the market. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. +% +Mitchell's Law of Committees: + Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are +held to discuss it. +% +MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) + + Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers +2 cups water 2 cups sugar +2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice + Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine + Cinnamon + +Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break +RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar +and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon +juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously +with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top +crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let +steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust +is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. + -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box +% +Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. +% +Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked +him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just +last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew +better. +% +Molecule, n.: + The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished +from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a +closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of +matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the +atom in that it is an ion ... + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: + If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented +it wasn't worth doing. +% +Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. +% +Monday, n.: + In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. +% +Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots +% +Money is the root of all wealth. +% +Moon, n.: + 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to +hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). +% +Mophobia, n.: + Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. +% + MORE SPORTS RESULTS: +The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last +Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while +the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the +Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could +paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player +took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting +their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player +said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a +fight and the match was called by officials. +% +More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One +path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total +extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. + -- Woody Allen +% +Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: + Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd +be out of a job. +% +Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex +because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs +and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little +eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around +and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the +female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just +dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven +by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the +truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of +them that it doesn't make any difference. + -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every + Teen Should Know" +% +Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently +than they do. + -- Turgenev +% +Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. + -- Frank Zappa +% +Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. + -- Arnold Bennett +% +Mother is the invention of necessity. +% +Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. +% +Mr. Cole's Axiom: + The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the +population is growing. +% +"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) +"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old +Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his +pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes +in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be +in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, +133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic +computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much +fun to watch. + -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) +% +Murphy's Discovery: + Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to +women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything +will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in +trouble! +% +Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't +work. +% +Murphy's Law of Research: + Enough research will tend to support your theory. +% +"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." + -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" +% + Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring +Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping +pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret +military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and +Esther and hustle them off to prison. + They can't prove who they are because they've left their +passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day +and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation +movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, +charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. + The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where +they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them +if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call +her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not +possible, and turns to Murray. + "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he +spits in the sergeants face. + "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +Mustgo, n.: + Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so +long it has become a science project. + -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" +% +"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on +it." + -- "Grendel", by John Gardner +% +My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I +threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. +First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the +frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up +the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed +forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier +perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through +the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative +crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a +symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state +in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I +really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded +OK. + -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" +% +"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless +there are three other people." + -- Orson Welles +% +My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand +times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and +sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right +through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever +listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just +log out again. +% +"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" + -- MadameX +% +My love runs by like a day in June, + And he makes no friends of sorrows. +He'll tread his galloping rigadoon + In the pathway or the morrows. +He'll live his days where the sunbeams start + Nor could storm or wind uproot him. +My own dear love, he is all my heart -- + And I wish somebody'd shoot him. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, + And a wild young wood-thing bore him! +The ways are fair to his roaming feet, + And the skies are sunlit for him. +As sharply sweet to my heart he seems + As the fragrance of acacia. +My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- + And I wish he were in Asia. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been +one. + -- Groucho Marx +% +My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. +% +My own dear love, he is strong and bold + And he cares not what comes after. +His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, + And his eyes are lit with laughter. +He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- + Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. +My own dear love, he is all my world -- + And I wish I'd never met him. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling +Alley!! +% +"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling +Alley!!" + -- Zippy the Pinhead +% +My pen is at the bottom of a page, +Which, being finished, here the story ends; +'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, +But stories somehow lengthen when begun. + -- Byron +% +My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not +signed. + -- Christopher Morley +% +"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" +% +Mythology, n.: + The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its +origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished +from the true accounts which it invents later. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% + n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); + n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); + n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); + n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); + n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); + + -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. +% +Naeser's Law: + You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it +damnfoolproof. +% +NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he + says is wrong. +GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says + will be right. + -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" +% +Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant +said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next +time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone +might steal it." +% +Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the +villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," +said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the +villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The +remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he +said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of +my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually +spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. +% +Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to +serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk +into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" +"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" +% +Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful +than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the +light more." +% +Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver +pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of +meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, +"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without +the recipe?" +% +Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of +conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the +fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he +is most likely to be creamed? + -- Solomon Short +% +Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, +God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. + +It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! +Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. +% +Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it +cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. + -- Fran Leibowitz +% +Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's +character, give him power. + -- Abraham Lincoln +% +Necessity is a mother. +% +Neckties strangle clear thinking. + -- Lin Yutang +% +Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. +% +Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. +% +Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. +% +Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. +% +Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off +% +Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled +with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to +change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually +fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators +have windows. +% +Never eat more than you can lift. + -- Miss Piggy +% +Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. +% +Never let your schooling interfere with your education. +% +Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. + -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" +% +Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to +make it complex and wonderful. +% +Never offend people with style when you can offend them with +substance. + -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 +% +Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. +% +Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a +law against it by that time. +% +Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. +% +Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. +% +Never try to outstubborn a cat. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. + -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS +% +"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." +% +Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's +supposed to do. + -- R. A. Heinlein +% +New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. +% +New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in +any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. +% +New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of +Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. +% +New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. + -- Monty Python's Big Red Book +% +New systems generate new problems. +% +New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and +his wife most often reminds him to act it. + -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary +% +New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. +% +New York's got the ways and means; +Just won't let you be. + -- The Grateful Dead +% +Newlan's Truism: + An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government +economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. +% +NEWS FLASH!! + Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West + German pole-vault champion. +% + *** NEWSFLASH *** +Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! +% +Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. +% +Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: + A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. +% +Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't +have a lucky day this year. +% +Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying +as an income tax refund. + -- F. J. Raymond +% +"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." + -- Foghorn Leghorn +% +Nihilism should commence with oneself. +% +Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name +correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into +(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but +Americans call him by value. +% +Nine megs for the secretaries fair, +Seven megs for the hackers scarce, +Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, +Three megs for system source; + +One disk to rule them all, +One disk to bind them, +One disk to hold the files +And in the darkness grind 'em. +% +Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes + And tapes without any tracks; +Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes + And tapes mixed up on the racks -- + Take hold of the tape + And pull off the strip, + And then you'll be sure + Your tape drive will skip. + + -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes +% +"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they +would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect +that much." + -- Augustine +% +Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: + The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of +the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. +% +"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends +hang out. + -- Zonker Harris +% +No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless +absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. + -- Fran Lebowitz +% +No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a +camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform +effectively under such difficult conditions. + -- Laurence J. Peter +% +No good deed goes unpunished. + -- Clare Boothe Luce +% +No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after +eating one peanut. + -- Channing Pollock +% +No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. +% +No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will +seriously cramp his style. +% +No matter what other nations may say about the United States, +immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. +% +No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. + -- Eleanor Roosevelt +% +"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid." +% +No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval +system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of +the author. + -- Chris Shaw +% +No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- +He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. +Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame +And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. +CHORUS: + Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, + And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. + Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, + And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. +Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails +And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. +All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff +But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" + (chorus) +Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. +The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. +A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, +But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! + (chorus) +% +No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. +% +No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. +% +"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied +occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an +indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining +occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as +an indication-applied occurrence." + -- ALGOL 68 Report +% +"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of +paper." + -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was + taken over by Rupert Murdoch +% + No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider +the furniture! + -- Sherlock Holmes +% +"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" + -- Dr. Who +% +Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing +it. + -- Tallulah Bankhead +% +NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION +% +Nobody said computers were going to be polite. +% +Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in +order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the +substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young +and rob the old. + -- Lewis Lapham +% +Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with +constructive praise. +% +Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: + Negative expectations yield negative results. + Positive expectations yield negative results. +% +Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. +% +Noncombatant, n.: + A dead Quaker. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. +% +"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong." +% +Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. +% +Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the +Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats +in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the +moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a +dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every +respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside +it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, +then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they +chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." + -- Shakespeare +% +"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper +is from the wrong kind of tree." + -- Professor W. +% +Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter +of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund +is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- +unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is +careful not to make any poultry jokes ... + -- Woody Allen +% +Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. +% +Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. +% +Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... + +To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the +light comes on. +% +Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. + -- Andrew Young +% +Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires +tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. + -- Nero Wolfe +% +Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. +Conscience makes egotists of us all. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +Nothing recedes like success. + -- Walter Winchell +% +Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited +love. + -- Charlie Brown +% +November, n.: + The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. +% +Now I lay me down to sleep +I pray the double lock will keep; +May no brick through the window break, +And, no one rob me till I awake. +% +"Now is the time for all good men to come to." + -- Walt Kelly +% +Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next +time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV +to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for +eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself +the following questions: + +(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a + food? +(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich + exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? +(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as + prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with + double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living + right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like + longer.) + +That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. +% +"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called +Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that +were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." + -- "The Begatting of a President" +% +"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a +smurfette." + -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 +% +... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to +get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in +the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs +on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage +children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a +snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn +to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about +a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an +outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does +he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect +Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks +Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some +kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your +children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop +quickly. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% + Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home +tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. + Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell +plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where +they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of +Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon +administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, +you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and +described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with +interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools +that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. + This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it +inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the +so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off +if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to +direct sunlight. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." + -- Karl Lehenbauer +% +"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of +normal routines, for children and adults alike." + -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" +% +"Nuclear war would really set back cable." + -- Ted Turner +% +[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. + -- Edwin Meese III +% +Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. +% +(null cookie; hope that's ok) +% +Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're +guessing. +% +O give me a home, +Where the buffalo roam, +Where the deer and the antelope play, +Where seldom is heard +A discouraging word, +'Cause what can an antelope say? +% +O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: + Murphy was an optimist. +% +"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a +fake?" +% +Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the +reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest +amount of hot air. + -- Thomas L. Martin +% +Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. + -- Plato +% +Of all the words of witch's doom +There's none so bad as which and whom. +The man who kills both which and whom +Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. + -- Fletcher Knebel +% +"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power +tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." + -- Crazy Nigel +% +Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. +% +Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. +And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a +blazer. +% +Office Automation, n.: + The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone +you would want to talk with over coffee. +% +Ogden's Law: + The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch +up. +% +Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! +% +Oh don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and none goes wrong, +And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! +% +Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay + I muck with indices and structs all day +And when it works, I shout hoo-ray + Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay +% +Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd +be irresponsible, too. + -- Lichty & Wagner +% +Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, +And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; +Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth +Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things +You have not dreamed of -- +Wheeled and soared and swung +High in the sunlit silence. +Hovering there +I've chased the shouting wind along and flung +My eager craft through footless halls of air. +Up, up along delirious, burning blue +I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, +Where never lark, or even eagle flew; +And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod +The high untrespassed sanctity of space, +Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. + -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" +% +Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. +% +Oh, when I was in love with you, + Then I was clean and brave, +And miles around the wonder grew + How well did I behave. + +And now the fancy passes by, + And nothing will remain, +And miles around they'll say that I + Am quite myself again. + -- A. E. Housman +% +Oh, wow! Look at the moon! +% +"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." + -- Dr. Joy +% +OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. +% +Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. + -- Trotsky +% +Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. +% +Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. +% +Oliver's Law: + Experience is something you don't get until just after you need +it. +% +Omnibiblious, adj.: + Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. +I'm omnibiblious." +% +OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of +JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O +as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... +WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? +% +On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: + +"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." + -- Wolfgang Pauli +% +On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only +nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter +what it does. + -- Will Rogers +% + On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in +receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's +income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than +$283 on the desk before the cashier. + "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That +route never brought in money like this! What happened?" + "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured +business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and +worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" +% +On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are +created jerks. + -- Avery +% +On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are +created jerks. + -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" +% +On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a +POINT ... +% +On the subject of C program indentation: + + "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be + indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." + -- Blair P. Houghton +% +"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, +Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right +answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of +confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." + -- Charles Babbage +% +On-line, adj.: + The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a +computer. +% +Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were +forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. + -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" +% +Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that +each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his +choice. + +In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians +called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" +and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People +passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy +Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% +Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, +Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". +Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your +principals or your mistress". +% +Once Law was sitting on the bench + And Mercy knelt a-weeping. +"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! + Nor come before me creeping. +Upon you knees if you appear, +'Tis plain you have no standing here." + +Then Justice came. His Honor cried: + "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" +"Amica curiae," she replied -- + "Friend of the court, so please you." +"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- +I never saw your face before!" + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human +beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by +side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them +which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the +sky. + -- Rainer Rilke +% + Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a +great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to +the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of +life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But +one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is +going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I +shall die of boredom." + The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that +current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the +rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" + But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, +and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. +Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current +lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. + And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, +"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the +Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current +said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us +free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this +adventure. + But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to +the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. +% +Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of +us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of +the smaller prime numbers. + +2: The Odd Prime -- + It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. +3: The True Prime -- + Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." +31: The Arbitrary Prime -- + Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime + in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 + received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the + next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none + at all. + +Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are +derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but +true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. +% +... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you +with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday +shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday +advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a +shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take +them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% +Once, adv.: + Enough. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least +somebody's listening. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% +"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." + +Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. +The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. + -- Chuq Von Rospach +% +One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. +% +One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing +how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. + -- Professor Charles P. Issawi +% +One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell +the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald +announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to +a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The +captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth +-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, +"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if +I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" +"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." +% +One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet +when well oiled. +% +One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they +never have to stop and answer the phone. +% +One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. + -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) +% +One learns to itch where one can scratch. + -- Ernest Bramah +% +One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as +one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will +produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to +represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as +many ... + -- Anthony Chevins +% +One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. +% +One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How +will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, +I'll tell you." +% +One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. +% +One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible +from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at +least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts +are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but +when He's good, nobody can touch Him. + -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 +% +One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to +do and always a clever thing to say. + -- Will Durant +% +"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, +lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of +their C programs." + -- Robert Firth +% +One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God +create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy +retail." + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% + One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How +enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? + Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many +years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. +Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple +language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for +students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for +interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of +its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on +VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. + It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will +run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and +will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. + With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and +quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With +VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of +documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the +difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS +is that it's all there. + -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 +% +One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your +seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best +way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who +fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become +disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. +% +The Seventh Commandments for Technicians + Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy +fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in +other ways. +% +The First Commandment for Technicians: + Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged +capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most +untechnician-like manner. +% +One Page Principle: + A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch +paper cannot be understood. + -- Mark Ardis +% +"One planet is all you get." +% +One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could +manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that +they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's +say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding +study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by +sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, +strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus +rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also +be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. +Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle +Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save +millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently +support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that +your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members +of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are +already too large to fit on normal aircraft. + -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" +% +One reason why George Washington +Is held in such veneration: +He never blamed his problems +On the former Administration. + -- George O. Ludcke +% +One seldom sees a monument to a committee. +% +One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh +paint. +% +"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that +sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of +sheer terror." + -- W. K. Hartmann +% +One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a +new model. +% +One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. +% +One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned +at the stake while the votes were being counted. + -- Thomas B. Reed +% +One-Shot Case Study, n.: + The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which +it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes +green. +% +Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. +% +Only God can make random selections. +% +Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to +use the editorial "we." +% +Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. +% +Optimization hinders evolution. +% +Optimization hinders evolution. +% +Oregano, n.: + The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. +% +Oregon, n.: + Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday +night. +% +Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry +is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. + -- Mike Adams +% +Osborn's Law: + Variables won't; constants aren't. +% +Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your +nails. +% +Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is +they charge fifteen cents for them. +% +Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the +office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we +were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of +juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. + +He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" + +Her reply: + + "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it + means to be a programmer." +% +Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. + Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, + In kernel as it is in user! +% +Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. + -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries +% +... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce +Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One +thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If +somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it +on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what +a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. + -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" +% +"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." + -- Alex Schure +% +"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." + -- Alex Schure +% +Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. + -- General Omar N. Bradley +% + OUTCONERR +Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes + Did logzerneg the ifthen block +All kludgy were the function flows + And subroutines adhoc. + +Beware the runtime-bug my friend + squrooneg, the false goto +Beware the infiniteloop + And shun the inprectoo. +% +"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, +it's too dark to read." + -- Groucho Marx +% +Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now +I can remember things that *have* happened before ... +% +Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! +% +Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. +% +Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. +% +Ozman's Laws: + (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he + won't. + (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they + make. + (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. + (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. +% +Painting, n.: + The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and +exposing them to the critic. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +panic: can't find / +% +panic: kernel trap (ignored) +% +Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much +better. + -- Laurie Anderson +% +Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. +% +Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. +% +Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. +% +Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to +criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. + -- D. J. Hicks +% +Pardo's First Postulate: + Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or +fattening. + +Arnold's Addendum: + Everything else causes cancer in rats. +% +Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. +% +Parker's Law: + Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. +% +Parkinson's Fifth Law: + If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good +bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. +% +Parkinson's Fourth Law: + The number of people in any working group tends to increase +regardless of the amount of work to be done. +% +Parsley + is gharsley. + -- Ogden Nash +% +Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. +% +"Pascal is not a high-level language." + -- Steven Feiner +% +"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." + -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 +% +Pascal Users: + To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the +death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. +% +Pascal, n.: + A programming language named after a man who would turn over in +his grave if he knew about it. +% +Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. + -- Eric Hoffer +% +Patageometry, n.: + The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant +under brain transplants. +% +Paul Revere was a tattle-tale +% +Paul's Law: + In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you +save. +% +Paul's Law: + You can't fall off the floor. +% +Peace, n.: + In international affairs, a period of cheating between two +periods of fighting. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Peanut Blossoms + +4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk +4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla +4 cups shortening 14 cups flour +8 eggs 4 tsp. soda +4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt + +Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie +sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a +Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a +hell of a lot. +% +Pecor's Health-Food Principle: + Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in +it. +% +Pedaeration, n.: + The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the +sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Penguin Trivia #46: + Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. + -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 +% +People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. + -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. +% +People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of +the future. +% +"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." + -- Ken Kesey +% +People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. +% +People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better +press than people who are just funny and smart. + -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" +% +People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never +slept in a room with a single mosquito. +% +People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who +haven't what they want that they don't want it. + -- Ogden Nash +% +People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that +Benjamin Franklin said it first. +% +People will buy anything that's one to a customer. +% +People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they +did yesterday. +% +Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. +"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." + -- Aelius Donatus +% +Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. +% +Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but +when there is no longer anything to take away. + -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery +% +Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! +% +Peter's Law of Substitution: + Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after +themselves. +% +Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to +exciting Camden, New Jersey. +% +Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. +% +Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. + -- John Keats +% +Pick another fortune cookie. +% +"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional +hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational +sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." +% +Pig, n.: + An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race +by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is +inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) + You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being +followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your +associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack +confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible +things to small animals. +% +PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) + Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the +American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as +nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will +probably get run over by a bus. +% + Pittsburgh Driver's Test + +(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light + but a steady left tail light. This means + + (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn + to call the problem to the driver's attention. + (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. + (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. + (d) the driver is from out of town. + +The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign +countries to signal turns. +% + Pittsburgh Driver's Test + +(8) Pedestrians are + + (a) irrelevant. + (b) communists. + (c) a nuisance. + (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. + +The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are +totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. +% +Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. + -- Don Marquis +% +PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the +solution set. + -- E. W. Dijkstra +% +"Plaese porrf raed." + -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase +% +Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia +because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers +couldn't compete successfully with poets. + -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half + Shell" +% +Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill +them. +% +Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic +table. + -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" +% +Please ignore previous fortune. +% +Please take note: +% +Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" +until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched +out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, +and such. + -- N. Meyrowitz +% +Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? +% + Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, +requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm +into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing +problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the +radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how +plumbing works. + A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, +except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, +it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets +and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at +all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can +kill you. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +PLUNDERER'S THEME +(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) + +Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. +If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. +Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. +Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. +% +Pohl's law: + Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. +% +Police: Good evening, are you the host? +Host: No. +Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. +Host: About the drugs? +Police: No. +Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? +Police: No, the noise. +Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns + or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the + background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? + The neighbors? +Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent + complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could + ask the host to quiet things down? +Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive + religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living + room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the + lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out + onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind + down. +% +Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell +all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. +% +Politician, n.: + An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of +organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the +agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared +with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Politician, n.: + From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or +"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence +"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. + -- Martin Pitt +% +Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even +where there is no river. + -- Nikita Khrushchev +% +Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough +to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. +% +Polymer physicists are into chains. +% +Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the +Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The +white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before +it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his +name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with +laughter, singing + Half a pound of tuppenny rice + Half a pound of treacle + That's the way the chimney smokes + Pope Goestheveezl +The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of +laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for +hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron +Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Portable, adj.: + Survives system reboot. +% +Positive, adj.: + Mistaken at the top of one's voice. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. +% +"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" + -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 +% +Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. +% +Power, n: + The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. +% +Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little +more time for dreaming. + -- J. P. McEvoy +% +Predestination was doomed from the start. +% +President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and +forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. +% +President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the +vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. + -- The Washington Post +% +Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! +% +Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: + It's on the other side. +% +[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves +to see him work. + -- Winston Churchill +% +Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. +% +Probable-Possible, my black hen, +She lays eggs in the Relative When. +She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now +Because she's unable to postulate how. + -- Frederick Winsor +% +Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have +orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which +is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. + -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every + Teen Should Know" +% +Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data + encryption standard and they came up with ... +Student: EBCDIC!" +% +Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. +Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on +his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's +earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% +% +Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. + +This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction +techniques are very popular, even the military used them. + +SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. + + We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true +for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n +as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is +trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We +can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just +about _n. + QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") +% +Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. + SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. +(1) Horses have an even number of legs. +(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. +(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of + legs for a horse. +(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. +(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. + +Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: + Intimidation + Gesticulation (handwaving) + "Try it; it works" + Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) + Blatant assertion + Changing all the 2's to _n's + Mutual consent + Lack of a counterexample, and + "It stands to reason" +% +Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: + +BBW Branch Both Ways +BEW Branch Either Way +BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full +BH Branch and Hang +BMR Branch Multiple Registers +BOB Branch On Bug +BPO Branch on Power Off +BST Backspace and Stretch Tape +CDS Condense and Destroy System +CLBR Clobber Register +CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately +CM Circulate Memory +CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming +CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip +CRN Convert to Roman Numerals +% +Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: + +DC Divide and Conquer +DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key +DO Divide and Overflow +EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator +EPI Execute Programmer Immediately +EROS Erase Read Only Storage +EXCE Execute Customer Engineer +HCF Halt and Catch Fire +IBP Insert Bug and Proceed +INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) +PBC Print and Break Chain +PDSK Punch Disk +% +Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: + +PI Punch Invalid +POPI Punch Operator Immediately +PVLC Punch Variable Length Card +RASC Read And Shred Card +RPM Read Programmers Mind +RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) +RTAB Rewind tape and break +RWDSK rewind disk +RWOC Read Writing On Card +SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write +SLC Search for Lost Chord +SPSW Scramble Program Status Word +SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk +STROM Store in Read Only Memory +TDB Transfer and Drop Bit +WBT Water Binary Tree +% +"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller +than the both put together." +% +Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check +three friends. If they're OK, you're it. +% +Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well +anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves +to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way +to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the +cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in +fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a +lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of +the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. + -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" +% +Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. +% +Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. +% +Pushing 40 is exercise enough. +% +Put no trust in cryptic comments. +% +Put your Nose to the Grindstone! + -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. +% +Putt's Law: + Technology is dominated by two types of people: + Those who understand what they do not manage. + Those who manage what they do not understand. +% +Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? +A: One per person. +% +Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? +A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. +% +Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? +A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. +% +Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? +A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. + +Q: How long does it take? +A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've + brought with them. + +Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? +A: They replace your generator. +% +Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb + itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective + reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a + maudlin cosmos of nothingness. +% +Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb + in San Francisco? +A: Both of them. +% +Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? +A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. +% +Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? +A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. +% +Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? +A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, + Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of + the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% + of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences + of non-blank characters separated by blanks". +% +Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring + light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government + plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer + prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb + assassin to break the bulb in the first place. +% +Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One and a half. +% +Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem + to the earlier joke. +% +Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those + Californians trying to share the experience. +% +Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? +A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub + with brightly colored machine tools. +% +Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out + of the way. +% +Q: What's a light-year? +A: One-third less calories than a regular year. +% +Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? +A: Because it was on the other side. +% +Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? +A: To stamp out forest fires. + +Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? +A: To stamp out flaming ducks. +% +Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? +A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. +% +Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What + should I do? + +A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on + believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be + the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No + time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if + somebody else has made the correction. + + And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're + the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have + to inform the whole net right away! + + -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions + on Netiquette" +% +Quality Control, n.: + The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off +a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. +% +Question: +Man Invented Alcohol, +God Invented Grass. +Who do you trust? +% +Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! +% +Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! +% +Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. + +(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) +% +Quigley's Law: + Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will +atttempt to use it. +% +QUOTE OF THE DAY: + + ` + +% +"Qvid me anxivs svm?" +% +QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: + 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 +kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one +thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a +painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] +person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. + -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. +% +Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. +% +Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something +I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of +computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport +store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told +all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all +the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are +they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current +rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on +Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be +impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying +goes, giving away the store? + -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President +% +Ray's Rule of Precision: + Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. +% +Razors pain you; +Rivers are damp; +Acids stain you; +And drugs cause cramp. +Guns aren't lawful; +Nooses give; +Gas smells awful; +You might as well live. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe +the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described +with pictures. +% +Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of +Congress. But I repeat myself. + -- Mark Twain +% +Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic +value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is +much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice +this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. +% +Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware +has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing +machines are so poor at I/O. +% +Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are +so long they can't afford the disk space. +% +Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write +in anything less portable than a number two pencil. +% +Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker +with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they +hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for +applications.) +% +Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run +on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo +sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. +% +Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured +programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- +trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise +clear desks. +% +Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine +doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell +quiche. +% +Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it +should be hard to understand. +% +Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the +illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how +much good it did them. +% +Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires +you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers +wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly +spring up in the middle of the machine room. +% +Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write +in BASIC after reaching puberty. +% +Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress +freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who +wear white socks. +% +Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who +can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. +% +Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. +% +Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use +functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? +% +Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. +This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a +computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. +% +Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and +greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any +moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that +systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal +computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your +DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their +Correctness Verification Aid packages. +% +Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the +job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like +using an undocumented external procedure. +% +Real Time, adj.: + Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there +and then. +% +Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never +afraid to break your face. +% +Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts +down the system for days. +% +Real Users hate Real Programmers. +% +Real Users know your home telephone number. +% +Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your +program doesn't deliver it. +% +Real Users never use the Help key. +% +Real World, The n.: + 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may +be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To +programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related +to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and +tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. +The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. +"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used +pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking +of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a +deceased person. +% +Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. +% +Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. +% +Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? + -- Patrick Sky +% +Reality is for people who lack imagination. +% +Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. +% +Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. + -- Alvy Ray Smith +% +"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go +away". + -- Philip K. Dick +% +"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" +% +Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than +being flat broke and having a stomach ache. + -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" +% +Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you +lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, +but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and +Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 +recessions. +% +Reclaimer, spare that tree! +Take not a single bit! +It used to point to me, +Now I'm protecting it. +It was the reader's CONS +That made it, paired by dot; +Now, GC, for the nonce, +Thou shalt reclaim it not. +% + "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" +Candy +Is dandy +But liquor +Is quicker. + -- Ogden Nash +% +"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe +again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know +which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A +spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the +starfield surrounding the ship. + +"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC +announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they +are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been +intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and +transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. +Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." + -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" +% +Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: + If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. +% +Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. + -- Anatole France +% +"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used +it." + -- Dave Barry +% +Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be +worse in Cleveland. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good +offense! +% +Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. +% +Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. +% +Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. + -- Dave Butler +% +Renning's Maxim: + Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. +% +Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western + Civilization? +Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. +% +Reporter, n.: + A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a +tempest of words. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? + +SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that +the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can +carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." +I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind +of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to +do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of +ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we +need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political +career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but +that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I +can't help it. + -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" +% +Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. + -- Wernher von Braun +% +Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get +another chance later on. +% +Review Questions + +(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, + and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before + he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the + Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? + +(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks + twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks + every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off + his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? + +(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers + the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a + pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King + Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? +% +Rhode's Law: + When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, +circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, +empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, +induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always +for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, +material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or +none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, +proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, +universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it +becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. +% +"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." + -- Steven Wright +% +Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention + Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will + reject the proposal. +% +Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. + -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With + Pogo" +% +ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. +MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- + door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. +% +Rudin's Law: + If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it +every time. +% +Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: + Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall +be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person +shall be deemed to be a cat. +% +Rule of Creative Research: + (1) Never draw what you can copy. + (2) Never copy what you can trace. + (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. +% +Rule of Defactualization: + Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. +% +Rule of Feline Frustration: + When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly +content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. +% +Rule of the Great: + When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep +thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. +% +Rules for Academic Deans: + (1) HIDE!!!! + (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! + -- Father Damian C. Fandal +% +Rules for driving in New York: + (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. + (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers + on. + (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the + intersection. +% +RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED + (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. + (2) Never leave the table hungry. + (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. + (4) Enjoy your food. + (5) Enjoy your companion's food. + (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to + accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. + (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, + for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a + brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? + (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. + (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You + can always eat it later. + (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. + (11) Avoid blue food. + -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" +% +Rules: + (1) The boss is always right. + (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. +% + Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence + Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. + +(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, + ants. +(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. +(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. +(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. +(5) Exotic birds flock around you. +(6) People ignore you at parties. +(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. +(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. +% + Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence +(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear + bomb; use the stairs. +(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit + the ground. +(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. +(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to + psychological problems. +(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to + recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed + potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. +(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs + will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. +(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. +(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be + staggering illegally. +(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more + sanitary due to limited circulation. +(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on + D-Day. +% +SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) + You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless + tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority + of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People + laugh at you a great deal. +% +San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. + -- Herb Caen +% +San Francisco, n.: + Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. +% +Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. + -- Mark Harrold +% +Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, + He must be a communist. +And a beard and long hair, + Must be a pacifist. + + What's in that pipe that he's smoking? + -- Arlo Guthrie +% +Satellite Safety Tip #14: + If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. +% +Sattinger's Law: + It works better if you plug it in. +% +Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, + Is like being nowhere at all, +All through the day how the hours rush by, + You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. + -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" +% +Sauron is alive in Argentina! +% +Save energy: be apathetic. +% +Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. +% +Save the whales. Collect the whole set. +% +"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I +ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. + -- Steven Wright +% +SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! + -- Ken Thompson +% +Schapiro's Explanation: + The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's +because they use more manure. +% +Schizophrenia beats being alone. +% +Schlattwhapper, n.: + The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, +hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Schnuffel, n.: + A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in +mixed company. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Schwiggle, n.: + The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a +pencil. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made +of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts +is not necessarily science. + -- Henri Poincair'e +% +Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. +% +Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. + -- William Buckley + +% +SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) + You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will + achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of + ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. +% +Scott's first Law: + No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. +% +Scott's second Law: + When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found +to have been wrong in the first place. + +Corollary: + After the correction has been found in error, it will be +impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. +% +Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! +Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? +Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. +Kirk: Then it's of external origin? +Spock: Affirmative. +Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. +Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. +% +Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. +% +Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the +Presidency. + -- Richard Nixon +% +Second Law of Business Meetings: + If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you +will pick the wrong one. + +Corollary: + If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it +wrong, anyway. +% +"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). + In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a +multiline message byte. + In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message +must be sent passive true. + The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: + (1) The ANRS if DAV is false + (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: + (a) The LADS is active + (b) Nor LACS is active" + + -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for + Programmable Instrumentation +% +Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! +% +Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. +She scissored short. Sorely shorn, +Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, +Silently scheming, +Sightlessly seeking +Some savage, spectacular suicide. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." +% +Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: + Ice Cream cures all ills. +% +Self Test for Paranoia: + You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's +your own fault. +% +Seminars, n.: + From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. +% +Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would + notify you if the record has pornographics material or + material glorifying violence?" +Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." +Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's + legs on the album cover is good indication that it's + not for little Johnny." + + -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock + lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 +% +Senate, n.: + A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and +misdemeanors. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Serenity through viciousness. +% +Serocki's Stricture: + Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. +% +Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. +% + "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated +thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY +advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." + "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. + "Too proud?" the other enquired. + Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," +she said, "that one can't help growing older." + "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With +proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." + -- Lewis Carroll +% +Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a +big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at +reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's +build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up +like crabgrass all over the United States. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. +% +Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. + -- Swami X +% +Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. + -- M. C. Reed. +% +Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, +it's one of the best. + -- Woody Allen +% +Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: + A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the +temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. + A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog +functionaries, and there's a joke about that: + A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the +middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be +bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" + The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I +am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks +he's nobody!" + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off +during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. + -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every + Teen Should Know" +% +Shaw's Principle: + Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will +want to use it. +% +"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." + -- Gypsy Rose Lee +% +She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. + -- Mark Twain +% +She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them +were bad. +% +She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could +have poured on a waffle ... +% +"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, +you should hear me play piano.'" + -- Morrisey +% +She's genuinely bogus. +% +"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have +taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an +excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." + -- Samuel Johnson +% +SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! +POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! +% +Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is +playing golf with his boss. +% +Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. +% +Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. + -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet +% +Silverman's Law: + If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. +% +Simon's Law: + Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. +% +Since I hurt my pendulum +My life is all erratic. +My parrot, who was cordial, +Is now transmitting static. +The carpet died, a palm collapsed, +The cat keeps doing poo. +The only thing that keeps me sane +Is talking to my shoe. + -- My Shoe +% +Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're +alive. + -- John Sloan +% +Since we're all here, we must not be all there. + -- Bob "Mountain" Beck +% +[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the +vices I admire. + -- Winston Churchill +% +Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate +Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically +excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. +This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally +examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published +Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be +printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry +comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had +no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. +% +Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): + That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, +or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should +have gotten. +% +Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes +to work. +% +Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, +when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and +apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I +neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a +tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they +were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of +souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a +testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from +chains. + -- Frederick Douglass +% +Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: + (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad + check. + (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. + (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is + attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is + attracted to dark objects. +% +Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... +% +Slurm, n.: + The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when +it sits in the dish too long. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. + -- Fletcher Knebel +% +Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. + -- Fletcher Knebel +% +Snacktrek, n.: + The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly +returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have +materialized. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate +your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and +hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast +array of 8-millimeter video equipment. + +... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you +were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format +that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as +toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be +made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a +format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. + -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics + Revolution" +% +So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in +praise of intelligence. + -- Bertrand Russell +% +... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those +who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, +and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious +and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. + -- Voltarine de Cleyre +% + So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. +With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to +maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of +corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to +flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward +it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- +I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in +the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. + Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and +I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our +heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're +unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water +up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the +opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of +our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all +the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers +cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen +these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked +into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. + -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" +% +"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple +pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops +its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very +imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, +and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, +and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the +gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." + -- Samuel Foote +% +... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their +procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as +to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of +sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making +documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly +listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another +documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, +under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the +effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply +scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White +in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of +thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and +then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very +dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all +along. + -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" +% +So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever +remember his Bible? +% +Sodd's Second Law: + Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is +bound to occur. +% +Software, n.: + Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. +% +Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. +% +Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. + -- Ed Howe +% +Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to +celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around +stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on +"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind +of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The +government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level +Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and +billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which +it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming +thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with +the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money +and go to a mall. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% +Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some +people have mediocrity thrust upon them. + -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" +% +Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only +one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." +% +Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit +them on the head. +% +Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. +% +Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when +you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even +worse. + -- Avery +% +Some points to remember [about animals]: + +(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, + hippopotamuses; +(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the + front of your clothes; +(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs + you have just kicked. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Some primal termite knocked on wood. +And tasted it, and found it good. +And that is why your Cousin May +Fell through the parlor floor today. + -- Ogden Nash +% +Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand +progress. +% +Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand +progress. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% +Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the +pens will multiply instead of disappear. +% +Someone will try to honk your nose today. +% +"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm +the only ashtray." +% +Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. + -- Lily Tomlin +% +"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the +Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then +intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men +and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our +best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are +we not God's Machineries of Joy?" + +"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." + -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" +% +Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. +% +Song Title of the Week: + "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change +in me." +% +Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already +paid may disregard this fortune). +% +Sorry, no fortune this time. +% +Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. +% +Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- +bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the +road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. + -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +"Spare no expense to save money on this one." + -- Samuel Goldwyn +% +Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: + If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as +if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question +back at him. +% +Speak roughly to your little boy, + And beat him when he sneezes: +He only does it to annoy + Because he knows it teases. + + Wow! wow! wow! + +I speak severely to my boy, + And beat him when he sneezes: +For he can thoroughly enjoy + The pepper when he pleases! + + Wow! wow! wow! + -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" +% +Speak roughly to your little VAX, + And boot it when it crashes; +It knows that one cannot relax + Because the paging thrashes! + + Wow! Wow! Wow! + +I speak severely to my VAX, + And boot it when it crashes; +In spite of all my favorite hacks + My jobs it always thrashes! + + Wow! Wow! Wow! +% +Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. +% +Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. + -- Dave Millman +% +Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am +sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, +cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free +the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a +bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a +controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before +passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same +memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, +no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously +designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? +% +Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: + + With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair + He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! + And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down + As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! + Helpless users with projects due + Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! + + Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! + Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" + +* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation +* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. + -- Curtis Jackson +% +Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently +these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people +to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't +communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so +on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real +life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't +communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least +he can do is to Shut Up! + -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" +% +"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy." +% +Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: + The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the +number of times you have looked at it. +% +Spelling is a lossed art. +% +Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. +% +Spirtle, n.: + The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in +your eye. + -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" +% +Spouse, n.: + Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you +wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. +% +"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist +drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the +greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll +take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" + -- Harlan Ellison +% +Stay away from flying saucers today. +% +Stay away from hurricanes for a while. +% +"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." +% +Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: + Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have +another drink. +% +Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: + Never test for an error condition you don't know how to +handle. +% +Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. +% +Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only +take a bath ... +% +Stult's Report: + Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is +fight the solutions. +% +Stupid, n.: + Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. +% +Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? +% +Sturgeon's Law: + 90% of everything is crud. +% +Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your +editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. + -- Mark Twain +% +Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way +before it is understood. +% +Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. +% +Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar +without his duck ... +% +(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) + + To code the impossible code, + To bring up a virgin machine, + To pop out of endless recursion, + To grok what appears on the screen, + + To right the unrightable bug, + To endlessly twiddle and thrash, + To mount the unmountable magtape, + To stop the unstoppable crash! +% +Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! +% +Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. +% +Support your local police force -- steal!! +% +Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. +% +Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! +% +Surprise due today. Also the rent. +% +Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. +% +Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type +in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving +the room is punishable under law: + +Name # +% +Swahili, n.: + The language used by the National Enquirer to print their +retractions. + -- Johnny Hart +% +Sweater, n.: + A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. +% +Swipple's Rule of Order: + He who shouts the loudest has the floor. +% +Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% +System/3! System/3! +See how it runs! See how it runs! + Its monitor loses so totally! + It runs all its programs in RPG! + It's made by our favorite monopoly! +System/3! +% +Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad +infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% + _ + _ / \ o + / \ | | o o o + | | | | _ o o o o + | \_| | / \ o o o + \__ | | | o o + | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ + | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ + | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ + | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) + | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- + | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ + | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ + // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ + // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ + //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ + +Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels +start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and +then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the +music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. + -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" +% +T: One big monster, he called TROLL. + He don't rock, and he don't roll; + Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. + He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% +Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a +hole in his head. +% +Tact, n.: + The unsaid part of what you're thinking. +% +Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. +% +Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting +enough cheese + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +Take it easy, we're in a hurry. +% +Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it +needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. + -- Kipling +% +Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit +back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good +beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up +drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a +nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves +and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So +Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw +no need to improve ... + -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" +% +Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to +your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, +and they'll call you crazy. + -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" +% +Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. + -- Euripides +% +Talkers are no good doers. + -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" +% +Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. + -- Friedrich Nietzsche +% +TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) + You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged + determination and work like hell. Most people think you are + stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. +% +Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind +the tree." + -- Russell Long +% +Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself +out of the market. +% +Taxes, n.: + Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get +an extension. +% +Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he +grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. +% +Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. +% +Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means +for going backwards. + -- Aldous Huxley +% +Telephone, n.: + An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the +advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, +Is those things arms, or is they legs? +I marvel at thee, Octopus; +If I were thou, I'd call me us. + -- Ogden Nash +% +Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop +writing. + -- R. Geis +% +"Terence, this is stupid stuff: +You eat your victuals fast enough; +There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, +To see the rate you drink your beer. +But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, +It gives a chap the belly-ache. +The cow, the old cow, she is dead; +It sleeps well the horned head: +We poor lads, 'tis our turn now +To hear such tunes as killed the cow. +Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme +Your friends to death before their time. +Moping, melancholy mad: +Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." + -- A. E. Housman +% +"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a +surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one +hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other +hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." + -- Len Cool, "American Pie" +% +Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a +pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city +until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is +ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe +because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical +fact, for he merely said: + + "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because + it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain + because it is impossible." + +Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of +philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. + -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types + +(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). +% +Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. +% +Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. +% +"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even +one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." + -- J. Finnegan, USC. +% +Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. + -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly +% +"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" + -- Foghorn Leghorn +% +"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." +% +That secret you've been guarding, isn't. +% +That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. +% +The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by +people who want some. + -- Dwight MacDonald +% +The Abrams' Principle: + The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. +% +The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper + -- Thomas Jefferson +% +The Advertising Agency Song: + + When your client's hopping mad, + Put his picture in the ad. + If he still should prove refractory, + Add a picture of his factory. +% +"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug +someone with it." + -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 +% +... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that +consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune +of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to +listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas +River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little +Rock. +% +The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. +Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed +and color, but also on ability. + -- T. Lehrer +% +The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. + -- Bill Murray +% +The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use +in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the +Declaration not for that, but for future use. + -- Abraham Lincoln +% +The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. +% +The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the +average man can see better than he can think. +% +"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by +people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried +anything." + -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore +% +The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than +cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and +difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, +which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- +here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO +RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you +want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking +lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a +squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out +and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, +his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was +neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking +lots. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% +The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit +called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in +writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would +be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices +immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a +bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special +Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of +paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty +would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. +The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to +emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood +Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." + -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" +% +The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; +but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. +% +The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. + -- W. C. Fields +% +The best defense against logic is ignorance. +% +The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. +% +"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and +blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. +You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at +night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only +love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or +know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only +one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what +wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, +never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never +dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a +lot of things there are to learn." + -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" +% +The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them +is a match. + -- Will Rogers +% +The bigger the theory the better. +% +The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse +time. + -- Merrick Furst +% +The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss +Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. + +It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been +known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, +in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two +under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of +people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a +city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking +umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of +activity that frightens the horses on the street ... +% +"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." +% +The bogosity meter just pegged. +% +The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up +in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. +% +The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: + To determine how long it will take to write and debug a +program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and +convert to the next higher units. +% +The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. +Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in +automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. + -- Art Buchwald +% +The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding +bureaucracy. +% +"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the +flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." +% +The camel has a single hump; +The dromedary two; +Or else the other way around. +I'm never sure. Are you? + -- Ogden Nash +% +The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly +greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed +inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner +party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." + -- G. Fitch +% +The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up +at the steam fitters' picnic. +% +The chief cause of problems is solutions. +% +The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. + -- Alfred Adler +% +The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will +walk carefully. + -- Russian Proverb +% +"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live +elsewhere." +% +"The Computer made me do it." +% +The computing field is always in need of new cliches. + -- Alan Perlis +% +The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his +memos. + -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 +% +The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other +subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up +every bird watcher in the country. + -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 +% +The Consultant's Curse: + When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him +what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong +medicine, and is normally only required once. +% +The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is +none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." +Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. +Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you +talked about. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. +% +The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going +down. +% +The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to +eat. + -- John McNulty +% +The Crown is full of it! + -- Nate Harris, 1775 +% +The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should +therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could +hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to +declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, +then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. +Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. + -- William Ellery Channing +% +The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. +% +The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of +us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching +Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. +% +The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? +% +The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. +% +"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell +into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him +out again, it would be a calamity." + -- Benjamin Disraeli +% +The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science +requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require +scholarship. + -- Robert Heinlein +% +The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the +following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: + + "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. +Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is +Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. + "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. +Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. +Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. +Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is +goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that +Jews won't go near them ..." + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on +a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. +% +The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man +really clever who has not found that he is stupid. + -- Gilbert K. Chesterson +% +The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show +off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his +next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the +duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the +duck and returned it to his master. + "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. + "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't +swim." +% +The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late +and owns the worm farm. + -- Travis McGee +% +The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. +% +The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and +add ten percent. +% +The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on +weather forecasters. + -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann +% +"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not +Compute' -- I forget which." + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% +The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of +civilization. + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson +% +The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with +symposium to follow. +% +The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach +their children to speak it. + -- G. B. Shaw +% +The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a +remarkable Christian forbearance among men. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +The fact that it works is immaterial. + -- L. Ogborn +% +The faster we go, the rounder we get. + -- The Grateful Dead +% +The Fifth Rule: + You have taken yourself too seriously. +% +The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. + -- Abbie Hoffman +% +The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King +Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a +tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad +forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously +fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of +threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked +suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of +foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead +one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with +dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found +drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown +and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have +thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture +of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left +in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed +crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave +Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when +a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful +throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. + -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" +% +The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of +management is that success equals skill. + -- Robert Heller +% +The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish +child, was propounded to me by my father: + "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and +whistles?" + I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity +gave up. + "A herring," said my father. + "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" + "So hang it there." + "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. + "Paint it." + "But a herring isn't wet." + "If its just painted its still wet." + "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring +doesn't whistle!!" + "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it +hard." + -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" +% +"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your +hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." + -- McCloctnik the Lucid +% +The First Rule of Program Optimization: + Don't do it. + +The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): + Don't do it yet. + -- Michael Jackson +% +The first time, it's a KLUDGE! +The second, a trick. +Later, it's a well-established technique! + -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics +% +The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions +Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: + +As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of +logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more +appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the +four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. + . . . +Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible +blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves +parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge +of the hyper-cube. +% +The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by +a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. +% +"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and +vinyl." + -- Dave Barry +% +The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the +number of your kids by 32 teeth. +% +The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to +chance. +% +The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. +% +The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the +center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South +Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South +End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. +% +The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled +today. +% +The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at +least until we've finished building it. +% +The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature +is to build better mice. +% +The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him +love and he invented marriage. +% +THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES + The one who has the gold makes the rules. +% +"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who +make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians +have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine +man in the bonds of Hell." + -- St. Augustine +% +The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got +to be good. +% + "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") + +On the good ship Enterprise +Every week there's a new surprise +Where the Romulans lurk +And the Klingons often go berserk. + +Yes, the good ship Enterprise +There's excitement anywhere it flies +Where Tribbles play +And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. + + See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, + Mr. Spock is at his side. + The weekly menace, ooh-ooh + It gets fried, scattered far and wide. + +It's the good ship Enterprise +Heading out where danger lies +And you live in dread +If you're wearing a shirt that's red. + -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics +% +The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of +statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are +extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive +displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every +case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts +down anything he damn well pleases. + -- Sir Josiah Stamp +% +The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all +who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. + -- Benjamin Franklin. +% +The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: + The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in +courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk +clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods +of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp +Hedgehog Eater. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men +of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. + -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis +% +The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. + -- Albert Einstein +% +The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom +whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, +nohow. +% +The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: + You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. +% +The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent +thinkers. +% +The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, +which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at +least 5000 years old." +% +The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for +lists of "Ten Best". + -- H. Allen Smith +% +"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and +has gills through which it can see." + -- Monty Python +% +The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity +-- the rest is overhead for the operating system. +% +The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange +protein -- it rejects it. + -- P. Medawar +% +The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can +remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider +struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in +spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and +wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head +off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. + -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" +% +The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. + -- Mark Twain +% +The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that +procession but carrying a banner. + -- Mark Twain +% +The idea is to die young as late as possible. + -- Ashley Montagu +% +The idea is to die young as late as possible. + -- Ashley Montague +% +The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic +devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, +where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with +sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, +consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than +have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones +repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist +of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic +devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" + -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" +% +"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." + -- Franco Spisani +% +"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit +longer." + -- Henry Kissinger +% +The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf +has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know +when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. + -- Will Rogers +% +The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important +point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly +important thing to people. + -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King +% +The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the +number of participants. + -- Adam Walinsky +% +The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided +by the number of people in the group. +% +The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free +information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a +dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a +real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. + +So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never +pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big +consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... + -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" +% +The Kennedy Constant: + Don't get mad -- get even. +% +The Killer Ducks are coming!!! +% +The ladies men admire, I've heard, +Would shudder at a wicked word. +Their candle gives a single light; +They'd rather stay at home at night. +They do not keep awake till three, +Nor read erotic poetry. +They never sanction the impure, +Nor recognize an overture. +They shrink from powders and from paints ... +So far, I've had no complaints. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a +word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about +drugs.' + -- Roy Blount, Jr. +% +The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the +law free. + -- Henry David Thoreau +% +The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the +poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal +bread. + -- Anatole France +% +"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all +men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the +universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we +presently imagine we own." + -- H.G. Wells +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE + +SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language +Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for +Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code +with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, +END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make +a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus +they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without +the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP + +This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of +an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said +to be useful in protheththing lithtth. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL + +SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. +Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they +compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the +coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom +sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to +compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but +infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE + +Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely +unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just +are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. +SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at +parties. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- + +This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he +submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is +best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the +language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code +statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very +similar to COBOL. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH + +FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types +refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and +JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and +BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, +CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. + +The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and +financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include +VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH +and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers +who end up using this language. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE + +Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene +DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The +language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics +and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A +spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of +ours." + +The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have +almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the +organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to +exist. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL +From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, +VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. + +Here is a sample program: + LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START + IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND + VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN + FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 + DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) + BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) + SURE + LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM + REALLY + LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) + IM*SURE + GOTO THE MALL + +When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: + + GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK + +This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, +Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to +the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. + +The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs +while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there +because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and +Perrier. + +Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle +and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower +case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the +message: + "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can + you find the time to try it again?" +% +The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching +train. +% +The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. +% +The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get +much sleep. + -- Woody Allen +% +The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. + -- Henry Kissinger +% +"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as +we could with both of them." + -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" +% +The makers may make +and the users may use, +but the fixers must fix +with but minimal clues +% +The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the +crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no +one has ever been. + -- Alan Ashley-Pitt +% +The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that +will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. + -- Mark Twain. +% +The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a +soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which +when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. +% +"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." + -- Dave Barry +% +The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. +% + The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the +klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." + + "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" + + "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" +% +The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to +devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. + -- Lew Mammel, Jr. +% +The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might +be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the +law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was +guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples +Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking +Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality +of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive +power. + -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems + Thinking." +% +The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. + -- Laurence J. Peter +% +The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. + -- Nicol Williamson +% +The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. +% +The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. +% +"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the +lower the mailing cost." + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% +The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and +robbers there will be. + -- Lao Tsu +% +The more things change, the more they stay insane. +% +The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us +is right. +% +The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. + -- Andy Warhol +% +"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and +to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." + -- Theodore H. White +% +The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new +discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." + -- Isaac Asimov +% +The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. +% +... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! +% + "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" + "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to +feel interested. + "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little +vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged +Aged Man.'" + "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" +Alice corrected herself. + "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is +called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" + "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time +completely bewildered. + "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is +"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in +1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." + -- D. Letterman +% +The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: + Support your right to bare arms! +% +The net of law is spread so wide, +No sinner from its sweep may hide. +Its meshes are so fine and strong, +They take in every child of wrong. +O wondrous web of mystery! +Big fish alone escape from thee! + -- James Jeffrey Roche +% +The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I +hope I don't get run over again. +% +The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, +in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. + + But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for + whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. + -- Matthew 5:37 +% +"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The +Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. +The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive +and running the country ..." + -- Robert J Woodhead +% +The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to +choose from. + -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum +% +The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the +80-column card. + -- Dennis M. Ritchie +% +The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should +serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society +these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their +function is to serve as checks upon the state. + -- Alan Barth +% +The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are +correct. + -- Ralph Hartley +% +The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly +analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their +occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve +these problems when called upon. + +However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to +remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. +% +The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: + Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, +Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate +Planning." +% +The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. +% +The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age +brings wisdom. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader +catch his own breath. + -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart +% +The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when +to cringe. +% +The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the +`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. + -- Ernest Rutherford +% +The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop +and take a rest. +% +"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." + -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and + Over and Over" +% +The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. +% +The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber +has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, +finished, and put inside boxes. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any +use to oneself. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from +history." + -- Hegel + +"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the +long view." + -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" +% +The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up +until 5 or 6 p.m. +% +The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. + -- Bohr +% +The optimum committee has no members. + -- Norman Augustine +% +The optimum committee has no members. + -- Norman Augustine +% +"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost +went back in time." + -- Steven Wright +% +The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because +it isn't here. + -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) +% +The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it +were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. + -- H. L. Mencken +% + The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the +Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a +large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' +it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the +apparatus for a spectator sport. + + The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for +castrating pigs during Sunday service. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +The Pig, if I am not mistaken, +Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. +Let others think his heart is big, +I think it stupid of the Pig. + -- Ogden Nash +% +The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter +swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the +batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The +center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute +his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. + -- Dizzy Dean +% +The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. + -- David Lardner +% +The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish +to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it +is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of +courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own +preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper +social function of expressing true distaste. + -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to + Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" +% +"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more +often." +% +The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, + Were each of them once a kiddie. +A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. + Do I want one? God Forbiddie! + -- Ogden Nash +% +The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his +brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is +Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. + -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter +% +The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday +they might force their beliefs on us. + -- Mario Cuomo +% +The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired +warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by +changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped +marker. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to +constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every +appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA +statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This +also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. + -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers +% +The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough +voters to win the next election. +% +The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" +represents the secondary theme: + + Law Enforcement Officials + +The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: + + Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials +% +... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from +other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in +charity we can only call "inhuman." + -- R. A. Lafferty +% +The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the +stupidity of your action. +% +The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. +Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil +using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle +Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, +etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous +bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None +of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats +developed cancer. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% +The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go +to erase it. + -- Glaser and Way +% +The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get +results. + +The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy +problems in order to get results. + +The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy +problems in order to get results. +% +The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be +pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. + -- Elizabeth Taylor +% +The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. +% +The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's +outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by +mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once +tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims +the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +"The pyramid is opening!" +"Which one?" +"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" + -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At + Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" +% +The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: + "My brain is paged out to my liver" +% +The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is +it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, +that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of +industrial waste? + -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" +% +The rain it raineth on the just + And also on the unjust fella, +But chiefly on the just, because + The unjust steals the just's umbrella. +% +The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is +cursed. +% +The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. +% +The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", +which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape +Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil +Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. + -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" +% +The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one +persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all +progress depends on the unreasonable man. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% +The revolution will not be televised. +% +The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. + -- Emerson +% +The rhino is a homely beast, +For human eyes he's not a feast. +Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, +I'll stare at something less prepoceros. + -- Ogden Nash +% +The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This +means that only left handed people are in their right mind. +% +"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests +and to his imagination for his facts." + -- Sheridan +% +The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. + -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas +% +"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the +House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights +you have and what rights you have not got." + -- J. Parnell Thomas +% +The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with +sloppy analysis! +% +The Roman Rule + The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the + one who is doing it. +% +The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in +his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on +one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't +take it too seriously. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or +give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. + -- Jane Bryant Quinn +% +"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" +% +The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 +showed that all had these things in common: + + (1) They all had moderate appetites. + (2) They all came from middle class homes + (3) All but two of them were dead. +% +The scum also rises. + -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson +% +The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, +respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones +from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the +milestones are lifted. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% + The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood +as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. +The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in +the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in +twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. + + "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached +everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a +fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- +and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." + + "How?" demanded Fafhrd. + + Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." + -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" +% +The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. +% +The shortest distance between two points is under construction. + -- Noelie Alito +% +The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: + The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going +in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long +way.) + -- Dan Roddick +% +"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity +and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted +activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... +neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." +% +"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their +money." + -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" +% +"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" +% +The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be +able to correct them. + -- Nicolaides +% +The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. +% +The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's +readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of +some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet +reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led +the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well +known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at +Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program +of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of +psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three +Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That +these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a +further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want +something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from +the Russians. + -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 +% + The STAR WARS Song + Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: + +I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah +Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda + S-O-D-A soda +I saw the little runt sitting there on a log +I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda + Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda + +Well I've been around but I ain't never seen +A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green + Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda +Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand +How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand + Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda +% +The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. +% +The steady state of disks is full. + -- Ken Thompson +% + THE STORY OF CREATION + or + THE MYTH OF URK + +In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, +and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM +was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be +registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; +and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data +Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening +and there was morning, one interrupt ... + -- Rico Tudor +% +The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make +them unsafe. + -- Mayor Frank Rizzo +% +"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and +is an emerging underachiever." +% +The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant +biology. +% +"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't +even any property taxes." + -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b +% +The sum of the Universe is zero. +% +The sun was shining on the sea, +Shining with all his might: +He did his very best to make +The billows smooth and bright -- +And this was very odd, because it was +The middle of the night. + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +The superfluous is very necessary. + -- Voltaire +% +The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. + -- Mark Twain +% +The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our +authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as +the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as +the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much +radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much +as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we +receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the +Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will +heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to +the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much +heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for +radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the +earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell +cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the +fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which +burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means +that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We +have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. + -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 +% +The Third Law of Photography: + If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined +when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark +leaks out. +% +The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: + +The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. +The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break + even. +The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. +% + The Three Major Kind of Tools + +* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or + jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a + manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, + bludgeons, and truncheons.) + +* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) + +* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far + greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. + (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses + any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +The trouble with a kitten is that +When it grows up, it's always a cat + -- Ogden Nash. +% +The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. +% +The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate +it. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% +The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing +more important to do. +% +The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody +appreciates how difficult it was. +% +The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. + -- Ken Kesey +% +The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. + -- Lenny Bruce +% +The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And +vice versa. +% +The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks +Which practically conceal its sex. +I think it clever of the turtle +In such a fix to be so fertile. + -- Ogden Nash +% +"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and +stupidity." +% +The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more +annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are +"100 percent American"... + -- U. S. Army (1945) +% +The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to +everybody and still nobody likes him. + -- Jim Samuels +% +The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be +broken. +% +The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the +combination is locked up in the safe. + -- Peter DeVries +% +The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie +Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said +to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his +decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." +% +The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and +religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging +from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its +yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the +world put together. + -- Sir Peter Medawar +% +The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be +regarded as a criminal offense. + -- E. W. Dijkstra +% +The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes +the worst cigars. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid +prejudice. + -- Mark Twain +% +The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. +Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts +to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to +be one of the facts that needs altering. + -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" +% +"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." +% +"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, +it's just a tired feeling:" +% +The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. +% +"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity +that would be clearly understood." + -- Alexander Haig +% +"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start +with a large fortune." +% +The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, + Like Jaspar wine and sugar, +It must have blown through someone's feet, + Like those of Caspar Weinberger. + -- P. Opus +% + THE WOMBAT + +The wombat lives across the seas, +Among the far Antipodes. +He may exist on nuts and berries, +Or then again, on missionaries; +His distant habitat precludes +Conclusive knowledge of his moods. +But I would not engage the wombat +In any form of mortal combat. +% +The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! +% +The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! +% +The world is coming to an end. Please log off. +% +The world's as ugly as sin, +And almost as delightful + -- Frederick Locker-Lampson +% +The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of +four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all +the answers. +% +Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. + +He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, +then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open +market. + +If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should +not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. + +Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. +Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. +Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% +Then here's to the City of Boston, +The town of the cries and the groans. +Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, +And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. + -- Franklin Pierce Adams +% + THEORY +Into love and out again, + Thus I went and thus I go. +Spare your voice, and hold your pen: + Well and bitterly I know +All the songs were ever sung, + All the words were ever said; +Could it be, when I was young, + Someone dropped me on my head? + -- Dorothy Parker +% +There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. +% +There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, +and praiseworthy ... + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own +cats. +% +There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis +are chosen correctly. +% +There are no games on this system. +% +There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the +existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any +marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat +engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is +obviously impossible. + -- Richard Davisson +% +There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the +truth without lying. +% +There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a +vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. + -- Gloria Steinem +% + There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that +someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named +Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or +Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that +every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is +this? + Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for +centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you +can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's +forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster +-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't +even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover +why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both +plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; +and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, +don't we all?" +% +"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells +and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated +pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving +them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you +stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your +intelligence." + -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII +% +There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. + -- Disraeli +% +"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away +from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone +loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." +% +There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be +offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin +a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount +of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of +affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. +When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. +Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. + -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior +% +"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and +engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far +the more certain." + -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 +% +There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring +the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many +facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next +fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent +Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's +Factor; that's engineering. +% +There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I +can't remember. + -- Italo Svevo +% +There are three ways to get something done: + (1) Do it yourself. + (2) Hire someone to do it for you. + (3) Forbid your kids to do it. +% +There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire +someone, or forbid your kids to do it. +% +There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is +one of them. +% +There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect +the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the +sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% +There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good +sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. + -- Woody Allen +% +"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to +make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the +other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious +deficiencies." + -- C. A. R. Hoare +% +"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the +other is to read Pope." + -- Oscar Wilde +% +There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one +works. +% +There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a +suitable application of high explosives. +% +There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. + -- R. W. Gerard +% +There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. + -- Henry Kissinger +% +There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer +than 100. + -- Steele's Law +% +There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know +nothing about. +% +There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an +opinion. + -- Anatole France +% +There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of +paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. +% +There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. +% +There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs +tied during the month of April. +% +There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. + -- Walt Disney +% +"There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, +Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and +love of the Fatherland." + -- Adolf Hitler +% +There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe +is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly +inexplicable." + +There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." + -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" +% +There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly +what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly +disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and +inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has +already happened. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a +vacuum." + -- Arthur C. Clarke +% +There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. + -- Mark Twain +% +There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the +tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not +abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and +war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, +of course. + -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. +% +"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their +home." + -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society + Convention, 1977 +% +There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it + -- G. B. Shaw +% +There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast +reflexes. +% +There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. +% +There is no time like the pleasant. +% +There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be +doing. +% +There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. +There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. +% +"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," +said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just +a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable +question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been +there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in +the middle of the night?'" +% +There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the +ocean level wouldn't cure. + -- Ross MacDonald +% +There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and +that is not being talked about. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale +returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. + -- Mark Twain +% +There once was a girl named Irene +Who lived on distilled kerosene + But she started absorbin' + A new hydrocarbon +And since then has never benzene. +% +There once was a member of Mensa +Who was a most excellent fencer. + The sword that he used + Was his -- (line is refused, +And has now been removed by the censor). +% +There once was an old man from Esser, +Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. + It at last grew so small, + He knew nothing at all, +And now he's a College Professor. +% +"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved +it." + -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia +% +There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were +left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. +Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they +started debating who should be allowed to stay. + +The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all +over the world, the President explained that if he died then America +would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley +said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair +thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 +votes. +% +There was a young lady from Hyde +Who ate a green apple and died. + While her lover lamented + The apple fermented +And made cider inside her inside. +% +There was a young man who said "God, +I find it exceedingly odd, + That the willow oak tree + Continues to be, +When there's no one about in the Quad." + +"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, +For I'm always about in the Quad; + And that's why the tree, + Continues to be," +Signed "Yours faithfully, God." +% +There was a young poet named Dan, +Whose poetry never would scan. + When told this was so, + He said, "Yes, I know. +% +There was a young poet named Dan, +Whose poetry never would scan. + When told this was so, + He said, "Yes, I know. +It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." +% +"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: +both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to +talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him +during the trial." + -- David Letterman +% +There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of +the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- +digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the +8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the +transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity +stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative +feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching +systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the +first electrical digital computer, and the first communications +satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the +telephone business? +% +There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not +a fence. +% +There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. +% +There's little in taking or giving, + There's little in water or wine: +This living, this living, this living, + Was never a project of mine. +Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is + The gain of the one at the top, +For art is a form of catharsis, + And love is a permanent flop, +And work is the province of cattle, + And rest's for a clam in a shell, +So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- + Would you kindly direct me to hell? + -- Dorothy Parker +% +There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our +whole lives, win, lose, or draw. + -- Walt Kelly +% +There's no future in time travel +% +There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. + -- Dr. Who +% +There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get +any worse. +% +There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. +% +There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government +working for you. + -- Will Rodgers +% +"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead +armadillos." + -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner +% +"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't +aggravate." +% +There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn +what it is I'll get married again. + -- Clint Eastwood +% +There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is +becoming an endangered synthetic. + -- Lily Tomlin +% +"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" +"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" +"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP +out of MEGATON MAN!" +% +These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they +used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. +% +They also surf who only stand on waves. +% +"They make a desert and call it peace." + -- Tacitus (55?-120?) +% +They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners +always spell better than they pronounce. + -- Mark Twain +% +"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary +safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." + -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 +% +"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" +% +They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results + About a month before. Their hair began to curl +The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it + But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. + +He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this + To pass where they had failed For it must ever be +And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest + The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. + +My notion was to start again + Ignoring all they'd done +We quickly turned it into code + To see if it would run. +% +They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! +% +"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult +to like." + -- Avon +% +Things are more like they used to be than they are now. +% +Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. +% +Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. +% +Think honk if you're a telepath. +% +Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! +% +Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer +crashes. +% +Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". +% +"Thirty days hath Septober, +April, June, and no wonder. +all the rest have peanut butter +except my father who wears red suspenders." +% +This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 +% +This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, +please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random +characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with +something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be +more profound than THIS program has ever been. +% +This fortune intentionally not included. +% +This fortune is false. +% +This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. +% +"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, +regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling +keys ..." +% +"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT +DOG." + -- Bob Violence +% +"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an +actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" +% +This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, +because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under +which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has +"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the +consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any +rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for +oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill +Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers +over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These +innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been +passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with +amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do +apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, +and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. + -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" +% +This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. +% +This is for all ill-treated fellows + Unborn and unbegot, +For them to read when they're in trouble + And I am not. + -- A. E. Housman +% +"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back +to one." + -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 +% +This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. +% +THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM + +If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your +contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue +without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are +contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We +can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money +for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the +difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight +and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to +"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before +you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. +Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute +30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The +Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or +more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... +% +This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! +% +This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the +power of computers: + +Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct +the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a +minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The +results are that one should eat each day: + + 1/2 chicken + 1 egg + 1 glass of skim milk + 27 heads of lettuce. + -- Rev. Adrian Melott +% +This is the story of the bee +Whose sex is very hard to see + +You cannot tell the he from the she +But she can tell, and so can he + +The little bee is never still +She has no time to take the pill + +And that is why, in times like these +There are so many sons of bees. +% +This is your fortune. +% +This land is full of trousers! +this land is full of mausers! + And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! + -- Firesign Theater +% +This land is made of mountains, +This land is made of mud, +This land has lots of everything, +For me and Elmer Fudd. + +This land has lots of trousers, +This land has lots of mousers, +And pussycats to eat them +When the sun goes down. +% +This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, +you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where +to go. +% +This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 +% +This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with +great force. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of +the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many +solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were +largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, +which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of +paper that were unhappy. + -- Douglas Adams +% +"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does +something child-like." + -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 +% +This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland +student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. + + One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use + Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one + computer language to another and has a built-in editing system + which identifies errors in the original program. +% +This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. + -- Hofstadter +% +... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives +as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as +determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people +buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s +couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three +weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, +they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent +restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of +excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going +off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have +a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. + -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" +% +This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget +it. +% + Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire +rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better +than he does. + As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about +it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily +sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we +consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is +being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. + The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can +do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his +honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can +be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public +relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter +Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. +This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. + -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt + from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear + and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" +% +Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those +of us who do. +% +Those who can't write, write manuals. +% +Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. +% +"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." + -- French Proverb +% +Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. + -- Henry Spencer +% +Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, +for these only gave life, those the art of living well. + -- Aristotle +% +Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often +surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. + -- Mark B. Cohen +% +Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. +% +Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent +revolution inevitable. + -- John F. Kennedy +% +Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are +men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean +without the roar of its many waters. + -- Frederick Douglass +% +Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are +the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with +Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- +whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A +fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any +more about the matter than the others. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Time flies like an arrow +Fruit flies like a banana +% +Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. +% +Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. + -- Ford Prefect +% +Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at +once. +% +'Tis the dream of each programmer, +Before his life is done, +To write three lines of APL, +And make the damn things run. +% + (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") +Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug +Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug +And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. +Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, +Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall +And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. +And we've also found Just flip one switch +When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch +You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble + in a flash. +Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU +Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," +And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. +% + To A Quick Young Fox: +Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, +Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? +Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- +Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. + -- Lazy Dog +% +To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. +% +To be is to do. + -- I. Kant +To do is to be. + -- A. Sartre +Yabba-Dabba-Doo! + -- F. Flinstone +% +"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore +this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to +offer in response is based on information available to make no such +statement." +% +To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, +call it the target. +% +To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. +% +"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System" +% +To err is human, to moo bovine. +% +To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. + -- B. Duggan +% +To generalize is to be an idiot. + -- William Blake +% +To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three +men, two of them absent. +% +To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. + -- Thomas Edison +% +To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. +% +To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. +% +To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide +a test load. +% +To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional +system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, +inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: +precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, +uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, +well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures +of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very +secure ecological niche. + -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" +% +To understand this important story, you have to understand how the +telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local +computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is +in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the +lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. + +Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it +suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the +computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the +one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe +break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid +incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, +an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca +pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's +loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen +and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. + -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own + Phones?" +% +"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" +% +"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." + -- Woody Allen +% +Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. +% +Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. +% +Today is the first day of the rest of the mess +% +Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. +% +Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday +% +Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? + +And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% +"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new +cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more +spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog." + -- Bob & Ray +% +"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word +except in major motion pictures." + -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" +% +Toilet Toup'ee, n.: + Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus +creating endless annoyance to male users. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. +% +Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. +% +Too clever is dumb. + -- Ogden Nash +% +Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. + -- Mae West +% +Too much of everything is just enough. + -- Bob Wier +% +Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available +briefcases. + -- Governor Jerry Brown +% +Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the +earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. +As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. +Please... + + CONSERVE GRAVITY + +Follow these simple suggestions: + +(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. +(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. +(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like + curling. +(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. +(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big + pile. +(6) Stop flipping pancakes +% +Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. +% +Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live +in eucalyptus trees. +% +Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant +intelligence. + -- Henrik Tikkanen +% +Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. + -- Mark Twain +% +Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) +% +Truthful, adj.: + Dumb and illiterate. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. + -- Charles Schulz +% +Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no +good. +% +Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, +is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written +in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and +pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), +defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the +absolutely perfect future. + -- Amrom Katz +% +Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. +% +Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only +specification is that it should run noiselessly. +% +Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. + -- Alan Watts +% +Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. +% +Turnaucka's Law: + The attention span of a computer is only as long as its +electrical cord. +% +Tussman's Law: + Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. +% +TV is chewing gum for the eyes. + -- Frank Lloyd Wright +% +'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks +Did gyre and gimble in their cave +All mimsy was the CS-VAX +And Cory raths outgrabe. + +"Beware the software rot, my son! +The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! +Beware the broken pipe, and shun +The frumious system crash!" +% + 'Twas the Night before Crisis + +'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, + Not a program was working not even a browse. +The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, + Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. +The users were nestled all snug in their beds, + While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. +When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, + I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. +And what to my wondering eyes should appear, + But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. +More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, + And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; +On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! + On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! +His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, + From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. +A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, + Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... +% +'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period + preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And + throughout our place of residence, +Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the + possessors of this potential, including that + species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. +Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward + edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, +Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an + imminent visitation from an eccentric + philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations + is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... +% +Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. + -- Walt Kelly +% +Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. + -- Howard Kandel +% +Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man +said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The +second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his +chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded +only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the +courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. +If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is +dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and +must pay three silver pieces." +% +Two percent of zero is almost nothing. +% +"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. +I forget the second." +% +Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. +% +U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! + Run right up and rub its horn. + Look at all those points you're losing! + UMBER HULKS are so confusing. + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% +"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." + +(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) + -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) +% +UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. +% +"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" + +"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, +right?" + -- MacNelley, "Shoe" +% +Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: + Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a +hammer or get a splinter in it. +% +Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: + Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a +hammmer or get a splinter in it. +% +Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a +just man is also a prison. + -- Henry David Thoreau +% +Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a +just man is also in prison. + -- Henry David Thoreau +% +Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it +can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... +% +Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: + Superiority is recessive. +% +Unfair animal names: + +-- tsetse fly -- bullhead +-- booby -- duck-billed platypus +-- sapsucker -- Clarence + -- Gary Larson +% +United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the +Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of +all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of +all the patriots of every persuasion. + +Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the +world. + -- Isaac Asimov +% +Universe, n.: + The problem. +% +University, n.: + Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's +usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to +fix it, and ... +% +unix soit qui mal y pense +% +UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on +Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). + -- Andy Tannenbaum +% +Unnamed Law: + If it happens, it must be possible. +% +Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out +twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir +% +User n.: + A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. +% +USER, n.: + The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." + -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" +% +Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. + -- S. C. Johnson +% +Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, +opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. + -- Doug Larson +% +Vail's Second Axiom: + The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the +amount of work already completed. +% +Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... +Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... + -- Tom Chapin +% +Van Roy's Law: + An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. +% +Vanilla, adj.: + Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, +very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla +extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply +"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot +and sour won ton soup. +% +Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: + (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only + once. + (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data + points. +% +Veni, Vidi, Visa. +% + "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past +year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley +reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their +artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue +moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon +Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the +entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the +sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." + + "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. + + "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made +good copy." + -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" +% +Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. +% +Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." +Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes + waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." +% +Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. + -- Salvor Hardin +% +Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the +yard. +% +VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) + Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to + ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this + morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you + wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of + that old underwear you own. +% +VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) + You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is + sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and + sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus + drivers. +% +"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. +% +Virtue is its own punishment. +% +Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving +from where you left them to where you can't find them. +% +Vitamin C deficiency is apauling +% +VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M. +% +Vote anarchist +% +Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and +TAX-DEFERRED! +% +VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? +% + + *** System shutdown message from root *** + +System going down in 60 seconds + + +% +"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." + -- Mark Twain +% +Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" +1st customer: "I'll have tea." +2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" + (Waiter exits, returns) +Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" +% +Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. +% +War hath no fury like a non-combatant. + -- Charles Edward Montague +% +War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. +% + WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: + +Firings will continue until morale improves. +% + WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: + +Firings will continue until morale improves. +% +WARNING: + Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your +mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on +your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. +% +Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for +those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking +up. + -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 +% +Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. +% +Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. + -- John F. Kennedy +% +Waste not, get your budget cut next year. +% +Wasting time is an important part of living. +% +Watson's Law: + The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the +number and significance of any persons watching it. +% +We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which +divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being +correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. + -- Niels Bohr +% +We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. + -- Winston Churchill +% +We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. + -- Whole Earth Catalog +% +We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. + -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" +% +We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to +socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The +bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say +socialism? + -- Fidel Castro +% +"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last +theorem." + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% +"We are upping our standards ... so up yours." + -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. +% +We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. +% +We can predict everything, except the future. +% +We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is +deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. + -- James E. Day, Postmaster General +% +"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" + -- Vroomfondel +% +"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." +% +We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a +fish. +% +We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the +hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! +% +We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? + -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission +% +"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an +hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down +mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on +our grave singing Haleleuia ..." + -- Monty Python +% +We have met the enemy, and he is us. + -- Walt Kelly +% +We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get +back to normal, and that they already have. +% +"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his +hands for masturbation." + -- Lily Tomlin +% +We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an +official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death +Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish +you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that +said "ELECTROCUTION". + +Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your +teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing +process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a +couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways +out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste +stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom +floor, which is how the police would find you. + +You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. + -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" +% +We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all +purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start +with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the +playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is +best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can +buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. + -- Alan M. Turing +% +We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always +respect their good judgement. +% +We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass +no matter how self-seeking. + -- F. G. Withington +% +We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago +people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. +For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had +to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare +fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with +primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how +ugly paneling is to begin with. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best +friends are trying to kill us. +% + We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. +But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle +Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... + I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of +her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I +had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone +told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was +lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he +fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing +what men must do. ... + "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible +sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew +not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a +quiet and peace I will never forget. + "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the +tollway belle's for thee." + The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was +a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I +poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. + -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway + Competition +% +We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one +technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. +% +we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, +we will cry over things we used to laugh & +our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile +creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & +in the end a summer with wild winds & +new friends will be. +% +We wish you a Hare Krishna +We wish you a Hare Krishna +We wish you a Hare Krishna +And a Sun Myung Moon! + -- Maxwell Smart +% +"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." +% +We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from +the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging +you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right +in his bowl full of jelly. + -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" +% +We're only in it for the volume. + -- Black Sabbath +% +We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center +of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, +but for some reason nobody's ever done it. + -- Andy Rooney +% +Weiler's Law: + Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it +himself. +% +Weinberg's First Law: + Progress is made on alternate Fridays. +% +Weinberg's Principle: + An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while +sweeping on to the grand fallacy. +% +Weinberg's Second Law: + If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, +then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. +% +Weiner's Law of Libraries: + There are no answers, only cross references. +% +Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if +you run out of food. + -- Dean McLaughlin. +% +Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a +lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a +governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the +reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top +contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men +will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the +most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and +appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday +morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit +interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a +guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through +the entire show without answering a single question ... + -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" +% +Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them +back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, +or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they +they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. + -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile +% +"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* +you believe?!" + -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] +% +Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, + And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; +I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, + I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. + +If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, + Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, +'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. + I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. + +On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, + But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. +Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, + I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. + -- Core Dumped Blues +% +"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" + +"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... +coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." + -- Dr. Who +% +"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is +no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five +hundred." + -- The Mahabharata. +% +Westheimer's Discovery: + A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a +couple of hours in the library. +% +Wethern's Law: + Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. +% +"What are we going to do?" + +"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for +something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a +short initiation period." +% +"What are you doing?" + +"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something +that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short +initiation period." +% +What color is a chameleon on a mirror? +% + "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty +teenager asked her mother. + "Encouragement, dear," she replied. +% +What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? +% +What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? +% +What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. +% +What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. +% +"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so +that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our +country. Nice try anyway, George." + -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA +% +What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the +entrance? +% +What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow +in his footsteps? +% +What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower +stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed +barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character +from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of +while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our +dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up +powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the +bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any +one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact +lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where +you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", +if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with +that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; +they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to +flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. + -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" +% +What I tell you three times is true. +% +"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- +sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up +with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always +came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at +parties. + -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" +% +What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. +% +"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." + -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a +% +What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I +definitely overpaid for my carpet. + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's +worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +What is a magician but a practising theorist? + -- Obi-Wan Kenobi +% +What is mind? No matter. +What is matter? Never mind. + -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 +% +What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern +computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest +and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. +% +"What is the Nature of God?" + + CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= + 1 QT. SOUR CREAM + 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT + 1/2 CUT CHIVES. + STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. + +"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." + -- Bloom County +% +"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" + -- Bertold Brecht +% +"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, +which is the exact opposite." + -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 +% +What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. +% +What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing +to compare it with. +% +What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. +It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books +and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes +and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, +women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate +mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige +and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." + -- Susan Gordon +% +What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? + -- Ursula K. LeGuin +% +What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. +% +What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. +% +What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. +% +What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent +bagel. +% +What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. +% +What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! +% +What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. +% +What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. +% +What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. +% +What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. +% +What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? + -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" +% +What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which +nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday +Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- +launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just +remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual +process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still +be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. + -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" +% +What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. +% +"What's another word for Thesaurus?" + -- Steven Wright +% + "What's that thing?" + "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in +computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what +it does. We call it a two-by-four." + -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" +% +"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" + -- Dr. Who +% +"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" + -- The Doctor +% +Whatever became of eternal truth? +% +Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for +cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils +as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding +hundred dollar bills." + -- Herb Caen +% +Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not +nailed down. + -- Collis P. Huntingdon +% +"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not +cockroaches!" + -- Mom +% +When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the +money is. + -- Robespierre +% +When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the +thing," it's the money. + -- Kim Hubbard +% +When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half +loop? +% +When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is +not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space +travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. + -- Robert Heinlein +% +When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the +sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain +relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. + -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle + Maintenance" +% +When all other means of communication fail, try words. +% +"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo +tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" + -- Reuben Flagg +% +When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before +the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." + -- Vine Deloria, Jr. +% +When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I +think it was a Tuesday. +% +When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to +guarantee them. +% +"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great +parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if +I'm leaving." + -- Steven Wright +% +When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a +year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire +winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% +When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young +ladies, and, of course, the goat. +% +When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now +I'm beginning to believe it. + -- Clarence Darrow +% +When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you +take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come +and get you." + -- Jerry Lewis +% +"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any +firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" + -- Steven Wright +% +When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into +the soul of the boy sitting next to me. + -- Woody Allen +% +When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an +act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A +group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a +six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things +together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... +Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective +responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military +establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have +been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things +together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. + -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" +% +When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened +or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I +cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to +go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. + -- Mark Twain +% +When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. +% +"When in doubt, tell the truth." + -- Mark Twain +% +When in doubt, use brute force. + -- Ken Thompson +% +When in panic, fear and doubt, +Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. +% +When love is gone, there's always justice. +And when justice is gone, there's always force. +And when force is gone, there's always Mom. +Hi, Mom! + -- Laurie Anderson +% +When Marriage is Outlawed, +Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. +% +When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment +results. + -- Calvin Coolidge +% +When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony +concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- +and I find I mind it less and less." + -- Louise Andrews Kent +% +When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: +for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when +your boss is away and you get twice as much done. + -- Daniel B. Luten +% +When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only +say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. +% +"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" + -- Jon Carroll +% +When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you +modify the problem, not the remedy. +% +When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, +the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a +nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is +metaphysics. + -- Voltaire +% +When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the +stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them +from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones +were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the +corners as bodies of a lower grade ... + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the +plane will fly. + -- Donald Douglas +% +When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most +insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are +required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and +exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% +When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is +not hereditary. + -- Thomas Paine +% +When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- +except our fingertips will have been singed. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% +When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of +investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, +so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or +swayed, directly to the goal. + -- Amrom Katz +% +"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." +% +When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. +% +When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. + -- Harry Truman +% + When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure +clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer +to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. + In a way, the next move is up to him. + -- R. A. Lafferty +% +"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." + -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war +% +When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by +asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't +know the answer either. + -- Edgar R. Fiedler +% +When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. + -- The Wall Street Journal +% +When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the +impression you will make. +% +When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, +Wretched, bored, dejected; only +Here's the rub, my darling dear +I feel the same when you are near. + -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" +% +When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. +% +Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". + -- Dave Parnas +% +Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to +see it tried on him personally. + -- A. Lincoln +% +Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last +you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his +Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. + -- Mark Twain + "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" +% +Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time +to reform. + -- Mark Twain +% +WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE + + Oh, dear, where can the matter be + When it's converted to energy? + There is a slight loss of parity. + Johnny's so long at the fair. +% +Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what +is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. + -- John Kenneth Galbraith +% +Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. +% +Whether you can hear it or not +The Universe is laughing behind your back + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? +% +While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is +admission to someone else. +% +While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, +The fate of empires and the fall of kings; +While quacks of State must each produce his plan, +And even children lisp the Rights of Man; +Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, +The Rights of Woman merit some attention. + -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", + November 26, 1792 +% +While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. +% +While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't +keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. + -- Edward Stevenson +% +While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own +form of misery. +% +While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining +position. +% +While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their +correctness never does. +% +While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very +reassuring to know that it's still there. +% +While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are +safe, for you can watch both of his. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Whistler's Law: + You never know who is right, but you always know who is in +charge. +% +"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new +Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." +% +Who made the world I cannot tell; +'Tis made, and here am I in hell. +My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, +I never soiled with such a deed. + -- A. E. Housman +% +Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? +% +Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? +% +Who's on first? +% +"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. + -- George Ade +% +Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. +% +Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. +% +"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could +have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." + -- Ian Shoales +% +"Why be a man when you can be a success?" + -- Bertold Brecht +% +Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we +have? +% +Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? +% +Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to +avoid responsibility with? +% +Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office +automation? +% +Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. +% +Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently +there must be a beverage. + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have +more lawyers? + +New Jersey had first choice. +% +Why don't elephants eat penguins ? + +Because they can't get the wrappers off ... +% +Why I Can't Go Out With You: + +I'd LOVE to, but ... + -- I have to floss my cat. + -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. + -- I need to spend more time with my blender. + -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. + -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. + -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. + -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. + -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. + -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. + -- I have some really hard words to look up. + -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. + -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. +% +"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is +because we are not the person involved" + -- Mark Twain +% +Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? +% +"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" + -- Lily Tomlin +% +"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love +you knowing nothing?" + -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions +% +Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? +Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your +children open their old-fashioned presents. + +Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" + +You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it + falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" + +Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer + with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, + and I get this cretin TOP?" + +Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." + +You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" + +Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." + -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" +% +"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" + -- Oscar Wilde +% +Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: + No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, +when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your +direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. + -- John L. Shelton +% +Wiker's Law: + Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. +% + William Safire's Rules for Writers: + +Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never +be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to +agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words +out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal +of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must +not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a +conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a +sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as +close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more +words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles +must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a +linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing +metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should +be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their +writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows +the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek +viable alternatives. +% +Williams and Holland's Law: + If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by +statistical methods. +% +Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as +it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. +% +Wit, n.: + The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery +... by leaving it out. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I +try to be a fraud and a half. + -- Otto von Bismark +% +With a rubber duck, one's never alone. + -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once +build a nuclear balm? +% +With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand +miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and +still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no +such thing as progress. + -- Ransom K. Ferm +% +Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. +% +Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: + (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. + (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. + (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) + (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a + VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. + (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. + -- Rich Kulawiec +% +Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If +you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut +down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that +tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with +long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit +there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you +come back. + +Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, +when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. +Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the +cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood +heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately +beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, +and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, +although their insurance rates went way up. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% +Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): + We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage +any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you +should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, +and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we +bargained for. +% +Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your +chairs. +% +World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced +dress code! +% +Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: + August. The lines are the shortest, though. + -- Steve Rubenstein +% +Worst Month of the Year: + February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if +you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't +get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. + -- Steve Rubenstein +% +Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: + From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved +in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs +damage my videotapes?" +% +Worst Vegetable of the Year: + The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next +year. + -- Steve Rubenstein +% +"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" + +"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat + -- Lewis Carrol +% +"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish +and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer +if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and +and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and +and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" +% +Write-Protect Tab, n.: + A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly +left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error +message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the +momentary inconvenience. + -- Robb Russon +% +Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. + -- Frank Zappa +% +"Wrong," said Renner. + +"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with +the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" +% +X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the +imagination is the plot. +% +Xerox does it again and again and again and ... +% +Xerox never comes up with anything original. +% +XIIdigitation, n.: + The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made +by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have +goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in +their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating +unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my +doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. + -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" +% +Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall +fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic +operators together. + -- Steve Higgins +% +"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." +% +Year, n.: + A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. +% +Yes, but which self do you want to be? +% +Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still +be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. + -- Snoopy +% +Yesterday upon the stair +I met a man who wasn't there. +He wasn't there again today -- +I think he's from the CIA. +% +Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +Yinkel, n.: + A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one +will notice. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. +% +You are here: + *** + *** + ********* + ******* + ***** + *** + * + + But you're not all there. +% +"You are old, Father William," the young man said, + "All your papers these days look the same; +Those William's would be better unread -- + Do these facts never fill you with shame?" + +"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, + "I wrote wonderful papers galore; +But the great reputation I found that I'd won, + Made it pointless to think any more." +% +"You are old, father William," the young man said, + "And your hair has become very white; +And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- + Do you think, at your age, it is right?" + +"In my youth," father William replied to his son, + "I feared it might injure the brain; +But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, + Why, I do it again and again." + -- Lewis Carrol +% +"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers + That your lectures bore people to death. +Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- + Don't you think that you should save your breath?" + +"I have answered three questions and that is enough," + Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! +Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? + Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" +% +"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak + For anything tougher than suet; +Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- + Pray, how did you manage to do it?" + +"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, + And argued each case with my wife; +And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, + Has lasted the rest of my life." + -- Lewis Carrol +% +"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, + And there isn't one language you like; +Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- + Have you thought about taking a hike?" + +"Since I never write programs," his father replied, + "Every language looks equally bad; +Yet the people keep paying to read all my books + And don't realize that they've been had." +% +"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, + And have grown most uncommonly fat; +Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- + Pray what is the reason of that?" + +"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, + "I kept all my limbs very supple +By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- + Allow me to sell you a couple?" + -- Lewis Carrol +% +"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, + And make errors few people could bear; +You complain about everyone's English but yours -- + Do you really think this is quite fair?" + +"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, + "But my stature these days is so great +That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, + And to stop me it's now far too late." +% +"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose + That your eye was as steady as ever; +Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- + What made you so awfully clever?" + +"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," + Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! +Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? + Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" + -- Lewis Carrol +% +You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. +% +You are the only person to ever get this message. +% +You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading +this sort of trash. +% +You buttered your bread, now lie in it. +% +You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting +incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. +Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable +to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because +nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes +they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; +some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. + +The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then +pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear +safety glasses. + -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" +% +"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it +doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." + -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 +% +You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior +executive. +% +"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. +Why do you find that funny?" + -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 +% +You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you +can with just a kind word. + -- Bumper Sticker +% +You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, +for instance. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% +You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. +% +You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on +the continuing viability of FORTRAN. + -- Alan Perlis +% +You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. +% +You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding +decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left +over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. + -- F. Allen +% +You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of +supercomputers. + -- Steven Feiner +% +You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. +% +"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." + -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 +% +You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. +% +"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" + -- Steven Wright +% +You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. + -- Booker T. Washington +% +You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. +% +"You can't make a program without broken egos." +% +You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic +enough worrying about what's happening now. + -- Lauren Bacall +% +"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." + -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and + Over and Over" +% +"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they +don't." + -- Dagwood Bumstead +% +You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. +% +You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. +% +You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. +% +You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first +and last month in advance. +% +You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable +doubt. + -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict +% +You do not have mail. +% +You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. + -- J. D. Salinger +% +You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting +needles. + -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food +% +You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. +The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", +which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears +tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last +names. Here's the complete text: + + "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) + "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) + "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to + send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF + THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) + household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way + you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST + NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" + +The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your +money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long +form. + -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" +% +You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. +% +You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- + +This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- + +You are permanently confused. + -- Dave Decot +% +You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to +metal objects which are not fastened down. +% +You have junk mail. +% +You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets +wrinkled. +% +You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot +today. +% +You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes +you wore home from the party and there aren't any. +% +You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens +anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, +you can always change the channel. + -- Jim Ignatowski +% +You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. + -- S. Rickly Christian +% +You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. + -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 +% +You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your +friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. +% +You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. +% + "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon +airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in +deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me +when I was young!" + "Why, what did she tell you?" + "I don't know, I didn't listen!" + -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. +% +You may be recognized soon. Hide. +% +You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he +is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. + -- Sydney Harris +% +You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with +him. + -- Ed Howe +% +You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. + -- Alfred Kahn +% +You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for +success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits +or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume +party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. + -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" +% +You might have mail +% +"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable +proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." +% +You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll +be dead. +% +You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a +reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating +the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for +independence. + -- Charles A. Beard +% +You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the +beach. +% +You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were +you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare +yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the +company. + -- J. Wellington Wells +% +You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. +% +You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could +know how seldom they do. + -- Olin Miller. +% +You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially +if they are dead. +% +You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than +about 10^12 to 1. + -- Ernest Rutherford +% +You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for +freedom and liberty. + -- Henrik Ibson +% +You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, +contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from +houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many +scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the +summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, +you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist +sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% +You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, +another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and +another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms +such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In +many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. +If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you +should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate +for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it +because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially +chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. + +In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his +hemorrhoids. + -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" +% +"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a +plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture" + -- Business Professor, University of Georgia +% +You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. +% + YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF + PAPER SHUFFLING! + +Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be +a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel +really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." + +Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward +to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and +make really big Zorkmids." + +MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when +you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. + + SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! +% +You too can wear a nose mitten. +% +You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. +% +You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of +a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. +% +You will be surprised by a loud noise. +% +You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. +% +You will feel hungry again in another hour. +% +You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door +mayonnaise salesman. +% + You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the +Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the +parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. + -- Sherlock Holmes +% +You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. +% +You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to +worry. +% +You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a +taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a +minute and a huff. + -- Groucho Marx +% +"You'll never be the man your mother was!" +% +You're at the end of the road again. +% +You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. +% +You're never too old to become younger. + -- Mae West +% +You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. + -- Dean Martin +% +You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! +% +You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. +% +"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." + -- Gary Giddens +% +"You've got to think about tomorrow!" + +"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" +% +Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a +thing he tells you. +% +Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you +from enjoying it. +% +Your fault: core dumped +% + Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that +bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a +chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home +electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit +breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires +until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can +damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change +your fuses regularly. + Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This +sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more +often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case +you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not +sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a +fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed +electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, +such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette +table, etc. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. +% +Your lucky color has faded. +% +Your lucky number has been disconnected. +% +Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. +% +Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. +% +"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" + -- Zippy the Pinhead +% +YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!" +% +Zero Defects, n.: + The result of shutting down a production line. +% +Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words +since I first called my brother's father dad. + -- William Shakespeare, "King John" +% +Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: + People are always available for work in the past tense. |