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authorcgd <cgd@NetBSD.org>1993-03-21 09:45:37 +0000
committercgd <cgd@NetBSD.org>1993-03-21 09:45:37 +0000
commit77e3814f0c0e3dea4d0032e25666f77e6f83bfff (patch)
tree7eddfcbf3dd12089e71dc3fafb0a106c5c5766c7 /fortune
parente81d63576b2e46ab90da7d75fa155ea57ee4d32e (diff)
downloadbsdgames-darwin-77e3814f0c0e3dea4d0032e25666f77e6f83bfff.tar.gz
bsdgames-darwin-77e3814f0c0e3dea4d0032e25666f77e6f83bfff.tar.zst
bsdgames-darwin-77e3814f0c0e3dea4d0032e25666f77e6f83bfff.zip
initial import of 386bsd-0.1 sources
Diffstat (limited to 'fortune')
-rw-r--r--fortune/Makefile15
-rw-r--r--fortune/Notes175
-rw-r--r--fortune/README7
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/Makefile20
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/fortunes16304
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake.rot132
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real2018
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real.rot132018
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok299
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok1978
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/startrek756
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok86
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/zippy1333
-rw-r--r--fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok210
-rw-r--r--fortune/fortune/Makefile10
-rw-r--r--fortune/fortune/fortune.6173
-rw-r--r--fortune/fortune/fortune.c1340
-rw-r--r--fortune/fortune/pathnames.h36
-rw-r--r--fortune/strfile/Makefile6
-rw-r--r--fortune/strfile/strfile.8147
-rw-r--r--fortune/strfile/strfile.c456
-rw-r--r--fortune/strfile/strfile.h54
-rw-r--r--fortune/tools/Do_spell10
-rw-r--r--fortune/tools/Do_troff10
-rw-r--r--fortune/tools/Troff.mac26
-rw-r--r--fortune/tools/Troff.sed13
-rw-r--r--fortune/unstr/Makefile7
-rw-r--r--fortune/unstr/unstr.c144
28 files changed, 27653 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/fortune/Makefile b/fortune/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..f4b87ff8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
+# @(#)Makefile 5.6 (Berkeley) 4/27/91
+
+SUBDIR= fortune
+
+.ifmake (clean) || (cleandir)
+SUBDIR+=datfiles
+.endif
+
+.ifmake !(install)
+SUBDIR+=strfile
+.else
+SUBDIR+=datfiles
+.endif
+
+.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/Notes b/fortune/Notes
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..e5680c7c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/Notes
@@ -0,0 +1,175 @@
+Warning:
+ The fortunes contained in the fortune database have been collected
+ haphazardly from a cacophony of sources, in number so huge it
+ boggles the mind. It is impossible to do any meaningful quality
+ control on attributions, or lack thereof, or exactness of the quote.
+ Since this database is not used for profit, and since entire works
+ are not published, it falls under fair use, as we understand it.
+ However, if any half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of
+ this, they will need to double check it all, and nobody not involved
+ of such an effort makes any warranty that anything in the database
+ bears any relation to the real world of literature, law, or other
+ bizzarrity.
+
+==> GENERAL INFORMATION
+ By default, fortune retrieves its fortune files from the directory
+/usr/share/games/fortune. A fortune file has two parts: the source file
+(which contains the fortunes themselves) and the data file which describes
+the fortunes. The data fil always has the same name as the fortune file
+with the string ".dat" concatenated, i.e. "fort" is the standard fortune
+database, and "fort.dat" is the data file which describes it. See
+strfile(8) for more information on creating the data files.
+ Fortunes are split into potentially offensive and not potentially
+offensive parts. The offensive version of a file has the same name as the
+non-offensive version with "-o" concatenated, i.e. "fort" is the standard
+fortune database, and "fort-o" is the standard offensive database. The
+fortune program automatically assumes that any file with a name ending in
+"-o" is potentially offensive, and should therefore only be displayed if
+explicitly requested, either with the -o option or by specifying a file name
+on the command line.
+ Potentially offensive fortune files should NEVER be maintained in
+clear text on the system. They are rotated (see caesar(6)) 13 positions.
+To create a new, potentially offensive database, use caesar to rotate it,
+and then create its data file with the -x option to strfile(8). The fortune
+program automatically decrypts the text when it prints entries from such
+databases.
+ Anything which would not make it onto network prime time programming
+(or which would only be broadcast if some discredited kind of guy said it)
+MUST be in the potentially offensive database. Fortunes containing any
+explicit language (see George Carlin's recent updated list) MUST be in the
+potentially offensive database. Political and religious opinions are often
+sequestered in the potentially offensive section as well. Anything which
+assumes as a world view blatantly racist, mysogynist (sexist), or homophobic
+ideas should not be in either, since they are not really funny unless *you*
+are racist, mysogynist, or homophobic.
+ The point of this is that people have should have a reasonable
+expectation that, should they just run "fortune", they will not be offended.
+We know that some people take offense at anything, but normal people do have
+opinions, too, and have a right not to have their sensibilities offended by
+a program which is supposed to be entertaining. People who run "fortune
+-o" or "fortune -a" are saying, in effect, that they are willing to have
+their sensibilities tweaked. However, they should not have their personal
+worth seriously (i.e., not in jest) assaulted. Jokes which depend for their
+humor on racist, mysogynist, or homophobic stereotypes *do* seriously
+assault individual personal worth, and in an general entertainment medium
+we should be able to get by without it.
+
+==> FORMATTING
+ This file describes the format for fortunes in the database. This
+is done in detail to make it easier to keep track of things. Any rule given
+here may be broken to make a better joke.
+
+[All examples are indented by one tab stop -- KCRCA]
+
+Numbers should be given in parentheses, e.g.,
+
+ (1) Everything depends.
+ (2) Nothing is always.
+ (3) Everything is sometimes.
+
+Attributions are two tab stops, followed by two hyphens, followed by a
+space, followed by the attribution, and are *not* preceded by blank
+lines. Book, journal, movie, and all other titles are in quotes, e.g.,
+
+ $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
+ which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+
+Attributions which do not fit on one (72 char) line should be continued
+on a line which lines up below the first text of the attribution, e.g.,
+
+ -- A very long attribution which might not fit on one
+ line, "Ken Arnold's Stupid Sayings"
+
+Single paragraph fortunes are in left justified (non-indented) paragraphs
+unless they fall into another category listed below (see example above).
+Longer fortunes should also be in left justified paragraphs, but if this
+makes it too long, try indented paragraphs, with indentations of either one
+tab stop or 5 chars. Indentations of less than 5 are too hard to read.
+
+Laws have the title left justified and capitalized, followed by a colon,
+with all the text of the law itself indented one tab stop, initially
+capitalized, e.g.,
+
+ A Law of Computer Programming:
+ Make it possible for programmers to write in English and
+ you will find the programmers cannot write in English.
+
+Limericks are indented as follows, all lines capitalized:
+
+ A computer, to print out a fact,
+ Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+ But this output can be
+ No more than debris,
+ If the input was short of exact.
+
+Accents precede the letter they are over, e.g., "`^He" for e with a grave
+accent. Underlining is done on a word-by-word basis, with the underlines
+preceding the word, e.g., "__^H^Hhi ____^H^H^H^Hthere".
+
+No fortune should run beyond 72 characters on a single line without good
+justification (er, no pun intended). And no right margin justification,
+either. Sorry. For BSD people, there is a program called "fmt" which can
+make this kind of formatting easier.
+
+Definitions are given with the word or phrase left justified, followed by
+the part of speech (if appropriate) and a colon. The definition starts
+indented by one tab stop, with subsequent lines left justified, e.g.,
+
+ Afternoon, n.:
+ That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
+ the morning.
+
+Quotes are sometimes put around statements which are funnier or make more
+sense if they are understood as being spoken, rather than written,
+communication, e.g.,
+
+ "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that
+ keeps us sane."
+
+Ellipses are always surrounded by spaces, except when next to punctuation,
+and are three dots long.
+
+ "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
+ -- Mark Twain
+
+Human initials always have spaces after the periods, e.g, "P. T. Barnum",
+not "P.T. Barnum". However, "P.T.A.", not "P. T. A.".
+
+All fortunes should be attributed, but if and only if they are original with
+somebody. Many people have said things that are folk sayings (i.e., are
+common among the folk (i.e., us common slobs)). There is nothing wrong with
+this, of course, but such statements should not be attributed to individuals
+who did not invent them.
+
+Horoscopes should have the sign indented by one tab stop, followed by the
+dates of the sign, with the text left justified below it, e.g.,
+
+ AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
+ You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
+ lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
+ careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
+ and over again. People think you are stupid.
+
+Single quotes should not be used except as quotes within quotes. Not even
+single quotes masquerading as double quotes are to be used, e.g., don't say
+``hi there'' or `hi there' or 'hi there', but "hi there". However, you
+*can* say "I said, `hi there'".
+
+A long poem or song can be ordered as follows in order to make it fit on a
+screen (fortunes should be 19 lines or less if at all possible) (numbers
+here are stanza numbers):
+
+ 11111111111111111111
+ 11111111111111111111
+ 11111111111111111111 22222222222222222222
+ 11111111111111111111 22222222222222222222
+ 22222222222222222222
+ 33333333333333333333 22222222222222222222
+ 33333333333333333333
+ 33333333333333333333 44444444444444444444
+ 33333333333333333333 44444444444444444444
+ 44444444444444444444
+ 44444444444444444444
+
+
diff --git a/fortune/README b/fortune/README
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..ace0af6e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/README
@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+# @(#)README 5.1 (Berkeley) 6/26/90
+
+The potentially offensive fortunes are not installed by default on BSD
+systems. If you're absolutely, *positively*, without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt
+sure that your user community wants them installed, change the symbolic
+link "datfiles/fortunes-o" to point to "datfiles/fortunes-o.real.rot13",
+and do a make, followed by a make install.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/Makefile b/fortune/datfiles/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..6af73c47
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,20 @@
+# @(#)Makefile 5.2 (Berkeley) 5/6/91
+
+DATFILES=fortunes.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat fortunes-o.dat
+CLEANFILES+=${DATFILES}
+
+install: ${DATFILES}
+ (cd ${.CURDIR} && install -c -o ${BINOWN} -g ${BINGRP} -m 444 \
+ ${DATFILES:R} ${DESTDIR}/usr/share/games/fortune)
+ install -o ${BINOWN} -g ${BINGRP} -m 444 ${DATFILES} \
+ ${DESTDIR}/usr/share/games/fortune
+
+fortunes-o.dat: ${.TARGET:R}
+ ${.CURDIR}/../strfile/obj/strfile -rsx \
+ ${.CURDIR}/${.TARGET:R} ${.TARGET}
+
+fortunes.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat: ${.TARGET:R}
+ ${.CURDIR}/../strfile/obj/strfile -rs \
+ ${.CURDIR}/${.TARGET:R} ${.TARGET}
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..f84326c8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
@@ -0,0 +1,16304 @@
+!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
+%
+!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
+%
+(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
+(2) Great generals are forewarned.
+(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
+(4) Four is an even number.
+(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
+(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
+
+Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
+%
+(1) Everything depends.
+(2) Nothing is always.
+(3) Everything is sometimes.
+%
+1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
+the law!
+%
+10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
+%
+100 buckets of bits on the bus
+100 buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
+
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
+FF buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FE buckets of bits on the bus
+
+ad infinitum...
+%
+$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
+which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
+ (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
+ (2) Dead cat brush
+ (3) Hair barrettes
+ (4) Cleats
+ (5) Self-piercing earrings
+ (6) Fungus trellis
+ (7) False eyelashes
+ (8) Prosthetic dog claws
+ .
+ .
+ .
+ (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
+ (100) Killer velcro
+ (101) Currency
+%
+186,282 miles per second:
+
+It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
+%
+2180, U.S. History question:
+ What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
+office did he later hold?
+%
+$3,000,000
+%
+"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
+simulation!"
+%
+43rd Law of Computing:
+ Anything that can go wr
+fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
+%
+77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
+
+------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
+--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
+------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
+---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
+---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to
+--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
+
+Nine in the second place means:
+ The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
+
+Six in the third place means:
+ In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
+ Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
+ Redwood Forest.
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
+ Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
+%
+99 blocks of crud on the disk,
+99 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+100 blocks of crud on the disk!
+
+100 blocks of crud on the disk,
+100 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
+%
+A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
+"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
+ -- Mahatma Ghandi
+%
+A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
+Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
+game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
+traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
+preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
+placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
+rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
+from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
+and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
+ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
+phenomena.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
+responsibility at the other.
+%
+A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
+ -- Carl Sandburg
+%
+A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
+of a divorce.
+ -- Don Quinn
+%
+A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
+and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
+adds up to be real money.
+ -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
+%
+A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
+%
+A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
+%
+A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
+%
+... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
+have turned into a pile of dust.
+%
+A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
+enlightened him with ours.
+%
+A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
+as afterward.
+%
+A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
+poor to protect them from each other.
+%
+A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
+%
+A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
+mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
+trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
+%
+A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
+Avoid him. He's a Commie.
+%
+A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
+won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
+ -- Bill Vaughan
+%
+A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
+ -- Herbert Prochnow
+%
+A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
+wants to read.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+%
+A computer, to print out a fact,
+Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+ But this output can be
+ No more than debris,
+If the input was short of exact.
+ -- Gigo
+%
+A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
+%
+A CONS is an object which cares.
+ -- Bernie Greenberg.
+%
+A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
+is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
+%
+A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
+ -- Dyer
+%
+A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
+damned things is ample.
+ -- Rebecca West
+%
+A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
+ -- Ben Franklin
+%
+A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
+And had an affair with a Saracen.
+ She was not oversexed,
+ Or jealous or vexed,
+She just wanted to make a comparison.
+%
+A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
+lantern.
+ -- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
+%
+A day without sunshine is like night.
+%
+A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
+coat.
+%
+A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
+you will look forward to the trip.
+%
+ A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
+eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
+test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
+ Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
+the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
+%
+A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
+%
+ A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
+about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
+arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
+the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
+Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
+incredible surgical feat."
+ The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
+Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
+that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
+architect."
+ The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
+"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
+%
+A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+A dozen, a gross, and a score,
+Plus three times the square root of four,
+ Divided by seven,
+ Plus five time eleven,
+Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
+%
+A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
+Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
+Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
+with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
+Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly
+pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
+simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
+Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
+%
+A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
+subject.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+A fool must now and then be right by chance.
+%
+A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
+superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
+ -- G. B. Shaw
+%
+A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
+of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
+elephant.
+%
+A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
+ -- D. Gries
+%
+"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
+dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
+ -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
+%
+A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
+he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
+favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
+facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
+ducks.
+ -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
+%
+A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
+A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
+But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
+ -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
+%
+A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
+of).
+%
+A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
+into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
+hope of greening the landscape of idea.
+ -- John Ciardi
+%
+A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
+rearranging their prejudices.
+ -- William James
+%
+A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
+man a century.
+%
+A hypothetical paradox:
+ What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
+team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
+Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
+ -- Tom Galloway
+%
+A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
+C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
+E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
+G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
+I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
+K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
+M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
+O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
+Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
+S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
+U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
+W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
+Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
+ -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
+%
+A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide
+who has the better lawyer.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
+%
+A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
+%
+A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
+%
+A lady with one of her ears applied
+To an open keyhole heard, inside,
+Two female gossips in converse free --
+The subject engaging them was she.
+"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
+That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
+As soon as no more of it she could hear
+The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
+"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
+"To hear my character lied about!"
+ -- Gopete Sherany
+%
+A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
+not worth knowing.
+%
+A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
+in than some that do.
+ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
+by being declared to work.
+ -- Anatol Holt
+%
+A Law of Computer Programming:
+ Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
+will find the programmers cannot write in English.
+%
+A limerick packs laughs anatomical
+Into space that is quite economical.
+ But the good ones I've seen
+ So seldom are clean,
+And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
+%
+A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
+nothing.
+%
+A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
+ -- H. H. Munroe
+%
+A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
+%
+A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any
+price.
+%
+A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
+his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
+exceptional ability in that particular field."
+%
+A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
+ -- Steve Wright
+%
+A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
+believe everything positively stinks.
+ -- Lew Col
+%
+ A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
+first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
+ "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
+and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
+ "But the collar is up around my ears!"
+ "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
+little more ... that's it."
+ "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
+ "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
+go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
+ So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
+street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
+ "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
+ "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
+
+"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
+sense of obligation."
+ -- Stephen Crane
+%
+A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
+%
+ A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
+novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
+insignificant," said the master.
+
+ "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
+
+ "It is," came the reply.
+
+ "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
+
+ "It is even in a video game," said the master.
+
+ "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
+
+ The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
+lesson is over for today," he said.
+ -- "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
+%
+A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
+on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
+game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
+pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
+along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
+heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
+around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
+direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
+paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
+colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
+fall over gently onto their backs.
+ -- Audobon Society Magazine
+%
+ A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
+the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
+pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
+nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
+ "If what?" asked the composer.
+ "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+%
+A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
+on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
+loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom
+do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
+%
+A new dramatist of the absurd
+Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
+ I learn from my spies
+ He's about to devise
+An unprintable three-letter word.
+%
+A new koan:
+
+ If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
+
+ If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
+
+It is an ice cream koan.
+%
+A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
+Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
+has no excuse for further procrastination.
+%
+A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
+insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
+right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
+%
+A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
+rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
+%
+ A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
+removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
+doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
+amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
+limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
+larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
+power-down sequence.
+ An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
+building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
+bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
+cool.
+%
+A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
+off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
+"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
+understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off
+and on. The machine worked.
+%
+A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
+%
+A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+A penny saved is ridiculous.
+%
+A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
+%
+A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
+ -- George Wald
+%
+A pig is a jolly companion,
+Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
+A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
+Though mountains may topple and tilt.
+When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
+When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
+Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig!
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+ A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
+ by Mark Twain
+
+ For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
+to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
+be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
+would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
+might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
+same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
+"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
+ Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
+with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
+or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
+Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
+ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
+ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
+ Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
+hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
+%
+"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
+ -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
+%
+A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
+
+And he answered:
+
+It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
+
+It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
+
+It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
+upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
+to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
+
+And that is Fate? said the priest.
+
+Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
+
+That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
+too.
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+ A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
+upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
+"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
+man".
+ As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
+he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
+%
+A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
+%
+"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
+of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
+series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
+precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
+inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
+accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
+for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
+defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
+information in the first place."
+ -- IEEE Grid news magazine
+%
+A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
+your wife will give you for free.
+%
+A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
+too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
+was intended for her preservation.
+ -- Colton
+%
+A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
+"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
+the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
+to make a travesty of the game.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked
+out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
+ -- Steel City News
+%
+"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
+%
+A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
+
+Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
+"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
+bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
+lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
+breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
+Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
+the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
+thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
+proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
+the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
+Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
+shall snuff it."
+ -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
+%
+A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
+that the system works.
+%
+A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
+the real reason.
+%
+A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
+objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
+scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
+concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
+dimensional objects ...
+%
+A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
+not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
+rosewater.
+%
+A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
+contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
+keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
+that are worth committing.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+ A Severe Strain on the Credulity
+
+As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
+parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
+is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
+considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
+begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
+starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
+maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
+Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
+of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
+re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
+against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
+knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
+ -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
+%
+A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
+ -- Prof. Steiner
+%
+... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
+was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
+ -- O'Henry
+%
+A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
+bad measures.
+ -- Daniel Webster
+%
+A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
+exam.
+%
+A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
+Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it
+true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
+Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
+shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
+%
+A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
+undreamed of by its author.
+ -- S. C. Johnson
+%
+A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
+%
+A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
+and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
+blowing first.
+%
+A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
+triangle.
+%
+A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%
+A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
+in students.
+ -- John Ciardi
+%
+"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
+ -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
+%
+A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
+Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
+ She found a good way
+ To combine work and play:
+She sells C shells by the seashore.
+%
+A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
+replaces it with.
+ -- Tennessee Williams
+%
+A very intelligent turtle
+Found programming UNIX a hurdle
+ The system, you see,
+ Ran as slow as did he,
+And that's not saying much for the turtle.
+%
+A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
+getting nervous.
+%
+A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
+people's attention.
+%
+"A witty saying proves nothing."
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
+admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
+remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
+reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It
+is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
+using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
+matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."
+ -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
+%
+A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
+in God.
+%
+A.A.A.A.A.:
+ An organization for drunks who drive
+%
+AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
+You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
+%
+Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
+%
+"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
+ends."
+ -- Herbert Hoover
+%
+Absence makes the heart go wander.
+%
+Absent, adj.:
+ Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
+slandered.
+%
+Absentee, n.:
+ A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
+himself from the sphere of exaction.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Abstainer, n.:
+ A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
+pleasure.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Absurdity, n.:
+ A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
+opinion.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
+because the stakes are so low.
+ -- Wallace Sayre
+%
+Accident, n.:
+ A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
+body is better.
+%
+Accidents cause History.
+
+If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
+Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
+have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
+could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
+the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
+shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
+fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
+of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
+the returns."
+%
+According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
+once a year.
+%
+According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
+ -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
+%
+According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
+totally worthless.
+%
+According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
+dies.
+%
+"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
+live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
+in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
+Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Accordion, n.:
+ A bagpipe with pleats.
+%
+Accuracy, n.:
+ The vice of being right
+%
+ ACHTUNG!!!
+
+Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
+schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
+spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
+rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
+vatch das blinkenlights!!!
+%
+Acid -- better living through chemistry.
+%
+Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
+%
+Acquaintance, n.:
+ A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
+enough to lend to.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
+coughing."
+%
+Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
+ everyone glued in their seats!"
+Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
+ it!"
+%
+Actor: So what do you do for a living?
+Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
+ dishes for Chinese restaurants.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
+%
+ADA, n.:
+ Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
+Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
+awareness."
+%
+Admiration, n.:
+ Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Adolescence, n.:
+ The stage between puberty and adultery.
+%
+"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
+like you ..."
+ -- Gilda Radner
+%
+Adore, v.:
+ To venerate expectantly.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Adult, n.:
+ One old enough to know better.
+%
+Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
+way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
+ -- Sinclair Lewis
+%
+Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
+then at least be asceptic.
+%
+After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
+names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
+Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
+many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
+Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
+different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
+developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
+attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
+to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
+skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
+injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
+hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
+that it sinks like a stone.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
+It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
+more advanced than the lichen family.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
+ Do"
+%
+After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
+%
+"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
+quotations."
+ -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
+%
+After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
+for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
+simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
+ -- P. J. O'Rourke
+%
+After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
+on the bench.
+%
+ After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
+Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
+and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
+to be created."
+ "This is true," He replied.
+ "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
+ "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
+right to make his laws?"
+ "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
+make his own."
+ It was so granted.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
+the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
+cost to others, to win advancement."
+ -- Norman Thomas
+%
+After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
+%
+After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
+everything. Just in case.
+%
+After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
+cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
+removed.
+%
+Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
+change.
+%
+Afternoon, n.:
+ That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
+morning.
+%
+Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Age, n.:
+ That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
+still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
+to commit.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
+%
+Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
+there's the rub.
+
+For all dreams are not equal,
+some exit to nightmare
+most end with the dreamer
+
+But at least one must be lived ... and died.
+%
+"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
+Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
+that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
+unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
+up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
+ -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
+%
+Air is water with holes in it
+%
+Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
+%
+Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
+telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
+York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
+And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
+receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
+%
+Alden's Laws:
+ (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
+ of pregnancy.
+ (2) Always be backlit.
+ (3) Sit down whenever possible.
+%
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer,
+ You take one down, and pass it around,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
+%
+Alex Haley was adopted!
+%
+Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
+for a dial tone.
+%
+Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
+them keeps paying for it.
+ -- Peggy Joyce
+%
+All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
+upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
+visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
+informing, stimulating and ennobling.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
+than others.
+ -- Alan Truscott
+%
+All extremists should be taken out and shot.
+%
+All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
+without thinking.
+%
+"All flesh is grass"
+ -- Isiah
+Smoke a friend today.
+%
+All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
+%
+All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
+importance.
+%
+All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
+by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
+%
+All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
+Socrates.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
+sane."
+%
+"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
+specific."
+ -- Jane Wagner
+%
+All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
+ -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
+%
+All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
+the United States.
+ -- Vic Gold
+%
+All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
+%
+All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
+%
+All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
+every organism to live beyond its income.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
+ -- E. Rutherford
+%
+"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
+hands."
+ -- Saint Patrick
+%
+All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
+%
+All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
+too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
+subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
+can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
+Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
+decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
+if it rains?"
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
+ridiculous ones.
+ -- La Rochefoucauld
+%
+All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
+the government in less than a second.
+ -- Jim Fiebig
+%
+All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
+ -- Sean O'Casey
+%
+All the world's a VAX,
+And all the coders merely butchers;
+They have their exits and their entrails;
+And one int in his time plays many widths,
+His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant,
+Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
+And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
+And shining morning face, creeping like slug
+Unwillingly to school.
+ -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
+%
+All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
+and all theoretical chemists know it.
+ -- Richard P. Feynman
+%
+All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
+%
+All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
+fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
+%
+All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
+%
+All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
+infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
+which he was born.
+ -- Francois Fenelon
+%
+Alliance, n.:
+ In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
+their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
+separately plunder a third.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Alone, adj.:
+ In bad company.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
+Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
+%
+Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
+mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
+any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
+to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
+Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
+serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
+same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
+that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
+penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
+running the post office.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
+reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
+day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
+interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
+pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
+and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
+Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
+material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
+management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
+the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
+Gamekeeping."
+ -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
+%
+Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
+back.
+%
+Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
+%
+"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
+that way."
+%
+Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
+%
+ AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
+
+If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
+across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
+%
+ AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
+
+There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
+would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
+%
+Ambidextrous, adj.:
+ Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
+ -- Charlie McCarthy
+%
+America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
+to decadence without touching civilization.
+ -- John O'Hara
+%
+America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
+until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
+changed its name to "America".
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
+employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
+employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
+between the men's room and the women's room without having little
+pictures on the doors.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
+%
+"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
+%
+An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
+people refuse to see it.
+ -- James Michener, "Space"
+%
+An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
+is always polite to traffic cops.
+%
+"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
+New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
+not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
+%
+ An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
+knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
+great restraint.
+ As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
+embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
+to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
+and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
+that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
+ This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
+When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
+confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
+and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
+are particular and not generalizable.
+ The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
+all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
+one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
+ -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
+%
+An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
+murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
+mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
+Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
+suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
+murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
+%
+An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
+really care to know.
+%
+An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
+%
+An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
+%
+An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
+summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
+arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
+responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
+%
+An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
+ -- A. P. Herbert
+%
+An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He
+wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
+advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
+Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
+incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
+excellence:
+
+"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
+discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
+to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
+things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
+parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
+timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
+doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
+Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
+school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
+successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
+they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
+%
+"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
+picturesque liar."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
+eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
+possible.
+ -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
+%
+An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
+%
+ An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
+in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
+ "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
+you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
+an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
+hour seems like a minute."
+ The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
+moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
+%
+Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
+government at all.
+%
+And as we stand on the edge of darkness
+Let our chant fill the void
+That others may know
+
+ In the land of the night
+ The ship of the sun
+ Is drawn by
+ The grateful dead.
+
+ -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
+%
+... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
+%
+And I heard Jeff exclaim,
+As they strolled out of sight,
+"Merry Christmas to all --
+You take credit cards, right?"
+ -- "Outsiders" comic
+%
+... And malt does more than Milton can
+To justify God's ways to man
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
+%
+"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
+your own."
+ -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
+ Preposterous Words
+%
+And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
+fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
+looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
+approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
+is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
+of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
+gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
+procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
+youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
+Orson Welles.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
+%
+"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
+courtesy detail."
+%
+And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a
+horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
+columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory,
+ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
+world.
+ -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
+%
+ "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
+asked the father of his little son.
+ "Diet."
+%
+And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
+a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
+tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
+tragedy face to face, we have politics.
+ -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
+ Ground Cover"
+%
+Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
+Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
+%
+Angels we have heard on High
+Tell us to go out and Buy.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Ankh if you love Isis.
+%
+Anoint, v.:
+ To grease a king or other great functionary already
+sufficiently slippery.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+ Another Glitch in the Call
+ ------- ------ -- --- ----
+ (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
+
+We don't need no indirection
+We don't need no flow control
+No data typing or declarations
+Did you leave the lists alone?
+
+ Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
+
+Chorus:
+ All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
+ All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
+%
+Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
+television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
+and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
+offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
+ Do"
+%
+ Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
+
+(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
+(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
+(3) I don't know.
+(4) Who cares?
+(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
+ Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
+(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
+ book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
+ bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
+ Papyrus Books).
+%
+Anthony's Law of Force:
+ Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
+%
+Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
+ Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
+ corner of the workshop.
+
+Corollary:
+ On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
+ your toes.
+%
+Antonym, n.:
+ The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
+%
+Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
+ -- Charles McCabe
+%
+Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
+ -- Charles McCabe
+%
+Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
+representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
+representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
+capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
+ -- Richard Schickel
+%
+Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
+ -- Aesop
+%
+Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
+this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
+whole week.
+%
+Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
+sell it.
+%
+Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
+-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance,
+my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
+the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
+undoubtedly true.
+ -- Solomon Short
+%
+Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
+object.
+%
+Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
+exactly the point of most pressure.
+ -- Milt Barber
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
+ -- Rich Kulawiec
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
+demo.
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
+ -- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
+something.
+%
+Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
+%
+Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
+%
+Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
+probably parked.
+%
+Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
+%
+Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
+supposed to be doing at the moment.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
+none.
+%
+Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
+is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
+make messes in the house.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
+ -- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
+account be allowed to do the job.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
+tried taking candy from a baby.
+ -- Robin Hood
+%
+Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
+%
+Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
+price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
+means the price went way up.
+%
+Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
+%
+"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
+%
+Aphorism, n.:
+ A concise, clever statement.
+Afterism, n.:
+ A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
+ -- James Alexander Thom
+%
+APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of
+the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
+coding bums.
+%
+"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I
+can't read any of them."
+ -- Roy Keir
+%
+Aquadextrous, adj.:
+ Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
+with your toes.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
+ You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
+ You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to
+ be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
+ mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
+%
+Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
+ Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
+general can be said."
+%
+ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
+ FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
+%
+Are you a turtle?
+%
+Are you a turtle?
+%
+"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
+ You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
+ are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
+ not very nice.
+%
+Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
+shoes.
+ -- Mickey Mouse
+%
+Armadillo:
+ To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
+%
+Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
+ (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
+ (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
+ (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
+ first two laws.
+%
+Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
+measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
+imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Art is anything you can get away with.
+ -- Marshall McLuhan.
+%
+Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
+ -- Paul Gauguin
+%
+Arthur's Laws of Love:
+ (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
+ remind them of someone else.
+ (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
+ delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
+ yourself in person.
+%
+Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
+%
+As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
+interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
+perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
+"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
+certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
+became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
+meet girls."
+ -- Matt Cartmill
+%
+As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
+certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
+ -- Weisert
+%
+As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
+ Feeling worse and worser,
+There I met a C.R.T.
+ And it drop't me a cursor.
+
+C.R.T., C.R.T.,
+ Phosphors light on you!
+If I had fifty hours a day
+ I'd spend them all at you.
+
+ -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+As I was passing Project MAC,
+I met a Quux with seven hacks.
+Every hack had seven bugs;
+Every bug had seven manifestations;
+Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
+Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
+How many losses at Project MAC?
+%
+As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
+industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free
+speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to
+myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a
+real American talk like that.
+ -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
+%
+As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
+%
+As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
+fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
+popular.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
+%
+"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
+programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
+ -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
+ computer system.
+%
+As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
+wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
+to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
+that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
+finding mistakes in my own programs.
+ -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
+%
+As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
+so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
+is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
+variable."
+%
+As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
+memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
+to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
+E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
+ -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
+%
+As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
+interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
+Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
+out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
+Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
+organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
+birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
+see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
+stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
+with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
+talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
+highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+ Teen Should Know"
+%
+As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
+your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
+The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
+with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
+from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
+over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
+a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
+spider is suing you for damages.
+%
+As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
+%
+ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
+%
+Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
+one went to Harvard).
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
+%
+Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
+Station-to-Station rate.
+%
+Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
+bathtub, it tolls for thee.
+%
+Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
+for an answer.
+%
+"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
+woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
+she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Ass, n.:
+ The masculine of "lass".
+%
+Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
+Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
+strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
+Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
+and dying broke.
+ -- Stanley Walker
+%
+"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
+Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
+under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
+%
+At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
+not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
+it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
+ -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
+%
+At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
+challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
+ -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
+%
+At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
+challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
+ -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
+%
+... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
+ -- J. B. White
+%
+"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
+%
+At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
+thumb with a hammer.
+ -- Marshall Lumsden
+%
+At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
+find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
+the computer.
+%
+Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
+or street lamp.
+%
+Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
+depths they were once able to plumb.
+ -- Stanley Kaufman
+%
+Automobile, n.:
+ A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
+pedestrians.
+%
+Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Avoid reality at all costs.
+%
+"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
+we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
+ -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
+%
+Bacchus, n.:
+ A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
+getting drunk.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Bagbiter:
+ 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
+intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
+bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
+obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
+bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
+CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
+%
+Bagdikian's Observation:
+ Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
+newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
+ukelele.
+%
+Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
+ A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
+by governors.
+%
+Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
+%
+Banectomy, n.:
+ The removal of bruises on a banana.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
+%
+Barach's Rule:
+ An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
+physician.
+%
+Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
+floor -- especially in the dark.
+%
+Barometer, n.:
+ An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
+are having.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Barth's Distinction:
+ There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
+types, and those who don't.
+%
+Baruch's Observation:
+ If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
+%
+Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high
+taxes.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Basic is a high level languish.
+APL is a high level anguish.
+%
+"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
+%
+Basic, n.:
+ A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
+that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
+%
+Bathquake, n.:
+ The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
+faucet is turned on to a certain point.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
+door.
+%
+BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
+%
+Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
+get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
+face.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
+%
+Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Be different: conform.
+%
+Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
+get used to it.
+%
+Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
+%
+Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
+miss
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Bees are very busy souls
+They have no time for birth controls
+And that is why in times like these
+There are so many Sons of Bees.
+%
+ Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
+took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
+followers.
+ One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
+there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
+ "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
+commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
+Purpose in Life, anyway?"
+ Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
+Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
+ Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
+ Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
+ -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's
+ego.
+%
+Begathon, n.:
+ A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
+you won't have to watch commercials.
+%
+Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
+away.
+%
+Beifeld's Principle:
+ The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
+receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
+already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
+looking and richer male friend.
+%
+"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
+%
+"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
+%
+Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
+%
+Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
+ (1) Houses are for people to live in.
+ (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
+ (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
+%
+"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
+ -- Time Bandits
+%
+Besides the device, the box should contain:
+
+* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
+
+* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
+ club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
+
+YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
+cable.
+
+IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
+spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
+that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
+without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
+why."
+
+WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
+%
+Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
+%
+better !pout !cry
+better watchout
+lpr why
+santa claus <north pole >town
+
+cat /etc/passwd >list
+ncheck list
+ncheck list
+cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
+cat list | grep nice >giftlist
+santa claus <north pole > town
+
+who | grep sleeping
+who | grep awake
+who | egrep 'bad|good'
+for (goodness sake) {
+ be good
+}
+%
+Better dead than mellow.
+%
+Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
+Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
+Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
+great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
+
+It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
+Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
+equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
+destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
+both Parliament and Party.
+
+It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
+planets, this may be the first message received from us.
+ -- The Realist, November, 1964.
+%
+"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
+tried it."
+ -- Donald Knuth
+%
+Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
+%
+Beware of low-flying butterflies.
+%
+Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
+ -- Leonard Brandwein
+%
+Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
+drip under pressure.
+%
+"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
+finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
+murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
+their ignorance the hard way."
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
+%
+Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
+nothing of interest is easy.
+%
+Binary, adj.:
+ Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
+%
+"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
+thing as division."
+%
+Bipolar, adj.:
+ Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
+New York
+%
+Birth, n.:
+ The first and direst of all disasters.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
+%
+Bizoos, n.:
+ The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
+basketball.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
+%
+Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
+%
+Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
+Wheels.
+%
+BLISS is ignorance
+%
+Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
+%
+Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
+%
+Blore's Razor:
+ Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
+funnier.
+%
+Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
+plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
+it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
+arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
+throwing up on them.
+%
+Boling's postulate:
+ If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
+%
+Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
+ Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
+vividly manifests their lack of progress.
+%
+Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
+ Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
+%
+BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
+%
+Boob's Law:
+ You always find something in the last place you look.
+%
+Bore, n.:
+ A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
+ -- Walter Winchell
+%
+Bore, n.:
+ A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Boren's Laws:
+ (1) When in charge, ponder.
+ (2) When in trouble, delegate.
+ (3) When in doubt, mumble.
+%
+Boss, n.:
+ According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
+the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
+in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
+ornamental stud."
+%
+Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
+that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
+straightened out for a crowbar.
+ -- O. W. Holmes
+%
+Boston, n.:
+ Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
+finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
+%
+"Boy, life takes a long time to live
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Boy, n.:
+ A noise with dirt on it.
+%
+Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
+when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
+unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
+(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
+to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
+ -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
+ Style"
+%
+Bradley's Bromide:
+ If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
+committee -- that will do them in.
+%
+Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
+ When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
+easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
+handled this?"
+%
+Brain fried -- Core dumped
+%
+Brain, n.:
+ The apparatus with which we think that we think.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
+ To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
+error in an opponent.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
+since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Bride, n.:
+ A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
+revitalize the corner saloon.
+%
+British Israelites:
+ The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
+Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
+Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
+believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
+Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
+the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your
+head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Broad-mindedness, n.:
+ The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
+%
+Brontosaurus Principle:
+ Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
+in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
+this occurs, they are an endangered species.
+ -- Thomas K. Connellan
+%
+Brook's Law:
+ Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
+%
+Brooke's Law:
+ Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
+discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
+beyond recognition.
+%
+Bubble Memory, n.:
+ A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
+intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
+%
+Bucy's Law:
+ Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
+%
+Bug, n.:
+ An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
+programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
+wrote the program.
+
+Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+Bugs, pl. n.:
+ Small living things that small living boys throw on small
+living girls.
+%
+BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
+ outfit."
+GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
+BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
+ -- Jay Ward
+%
+Bumper sticker:
+
+"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
+manufacture"
+%
+Bureaucrat, n.:
+ A person who cuts red tape sideways.
+ -- J. McCabe
+%
+Bureaucrat, n.:
+ A politician who has tenure.
+%
+Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
+%
+Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
+ (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
+ sawhorse.
+ (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
+ (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
+ perfectly balanced.
+ (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
+ -- Robert Burns
+%
+ ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
+those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
+and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
+ Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
+they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
+people go to the front of the bus."
+ But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
+deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
+yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
+unto a snowball in Hell."
+ -- "The Begatting of a President"
+%
+... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
+easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
+and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
+upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
+without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
+on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
+was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
+sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
+human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
+paws."
+%
+"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
+%
+... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
+intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
+we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
+that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
+of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
+example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
+makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
+whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
+finite or an infinite number.
+ -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
+%
+But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
+system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
+analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
+ -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
+ Compilers"
+%
+"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
+to the nearest gas station."
+%
+But scientists, who ought to know
+Assure us that it must be so.
+Oh, let us never, never doubt
+What nobody is sure about.
+ -- Hilaire Belloc
+%
+But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
+Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
+But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
+ -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
+%
+But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
+was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
+education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
+1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
+American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
+invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
+invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
+adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
+electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
+electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
+part) sends it right back to the customer again.
+
+This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
+of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
+very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
+In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
+States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
+ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
+increases.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
+place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
+Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a
+kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
+poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
+explained yet about the bytes?"
+%
+... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
+ -- Virginia Masters
+%
+"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
+computers?"
+%
+Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
+Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
+Less dear than army ants in apple pies
+Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
+Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
+Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
+They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
+Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
+Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
+And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
+Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
+Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
+Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
+Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
+%
+By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
+completely overwhelm you.
+%
+"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact,
+it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
+invent. (R. Emerson)"
+ -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
+ (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
+ [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
+ misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
+%
+"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
+to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
+ -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
+%
+By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
+mean.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
+point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
+fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
+often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
+from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
+that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often
+wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
+they wanted to be.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+C, n.:
+ A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
+like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
+anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
+today, or it isn't.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+Cabbage, n.:
+ A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
+a man's head.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
+ -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
+%
+Cahn's Axiom:
+ When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+California, n.:
+ From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
+Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
+"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
+ -- Ed Moran
+%
+Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
+ -- Indian proverb
+%
+"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
+Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
+%
+"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
+ -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
+Corner, Vermont."
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
+points.
+ -- M. M. Johnston
+%
+Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
+ It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
+
+Supplement:
+ A .44 magnum beats four aces.
+%
+Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents
+for postage and 30 cents for storage.
+ -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
+ Post
+%
+Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
+Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
+A root or two, a torus and a node:
+The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
+ You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
+problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
+off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
+recipients are Cancer people.
+%
+Canonical, adj.:
+ The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true
+story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
+annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a
+point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
+eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used
+the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
+ Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
+ Stallman: "What did he say?"
+ Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
+ You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
+much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
+importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
+they take root and become trees.
+%
+Captain Penny's Law:
+ You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
+the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
+%
+Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
+expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
+complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
+planning to reduce the time it takes.
+%
+Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
+trousers that don't match.
+%
+Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
+ The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
+dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
+putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Cat, n.:
+ Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
+%
+Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
+%
+CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
+%
+Cecil, you're my final hope
+Of finding out the true Straight Dope
+For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
+But none of my cats are at all like that.
+This unusual animal (so it is said)
+Is simultaneously alive and dead!
+What I don't understand is just why he
+Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
+My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
+In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
+If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
+And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
+But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
+Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
+ -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
+ of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
+%
+Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
+%
+Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
+center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation
+works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
+ -- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
+how many?
+%
+Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
+Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
+Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
+ out of it?
+Jaka: Ugh!
+Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
+ -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
+%
+Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
+walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
+then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
+health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
+not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
+only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
+others who have tried it.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
+ Did you ever try buying them without money?
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+ Chapter 1
+
+The story so far:
+
+ In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
+of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
+%
+Character Density, n.:
+ The number of very weird people in the office.
+%
+Checkuary, n.:
+ The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and
+ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
+checks.
+%
+Chef, n.:
+ Any cook who swears in French.
+%
+Chemicals, n.:
+ Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
+%
+Chemistry is applied theology.
+ -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
+%
+Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
+ Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
+headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
+ -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
+ The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
+for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
+cheerfully baste you.
+ -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
+%
+Chicago, n.:
+ Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
+%
+Chicken Little only has to be right once.
+%
+Chicken Little was right.
+%
+Chicken Soup, n.:
+ An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
+cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
+is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
+effort to teach them good manners.
+%
+Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
+going to catch you in next.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
+And that's what parents were created for.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
+word what you shouldn't have said.
+%
+Chism's Law of Completion:
+ The amount of time required to complete a government project is
+precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
+%
+Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
+ When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
+%
+Chivalry, Schmivalry!
+ Roger the thief has a
+ method he uses for
+ sneaky attacks:
+Folks who are reading are
+ Characteristically
+ Always Forgetting to
+ Guard their own bac ...
+%
+Christ:
+ A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
+%
+Churchill's Commentary on Man:
+ Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
+time he will pick himself up and continue on.
+%
+Cigarette, n.:
+ A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
+between.
+%
+Cinemuck, n.:
+ The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
+covers the floors of movie theaters.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Clairvoyant, n.:
+ A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
+which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
+shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
+ -- Phyllis Diller
+%
+Cleanliness is next to impossible.
+%
+Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
+%
+"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
+%
+Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
+%
+Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
+society.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
+%
+Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
+%
+Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
+"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
+ -- Blair Houghton
+%
+Coincidence, n.:
+ You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
+going on.
+%
+Coincidences are spiritual puns.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+Cold, adj.:
+ When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
+%
+Cold, adj.:
+ When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
+pockets.
+%
+Collaboration, n.:
+ A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
+other fellow can spell.
+%
+College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
+faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
+the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
+legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
+loss to humanity.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Colvard's Logical Premises:
+ All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
+ won't.
+
+Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
+ This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
+ attracted to.
+
+Grelb's Commentary
+ Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
+%
+Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
+And every vector dreams of matrices.
+Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
+It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
+Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
+Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
+Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Command, n.:
+ Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
+such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
+%
+ COMMENT
+
+Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
+A medley of extemporanea;
+And love is thing that can never go wrong;
+And I am Marie of Roumania.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Commitment, n.:
+ Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
+The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
+%
+Committee Rules:
+ (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
+ (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
+ stamps you as being wise.
+ (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
+ others.
+ (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
+ (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
+ popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
+%
+Committee, n.:
+ A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
+decide that nothing can be done.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
+be appointed to do the work.
+%
+Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
+different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
+ -- Clive James
+%
+Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
+of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
+ -- David Guaspari
+%
+Computer programmers do it byte by byte
+%
+Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
+theory.
+%
+Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
+%
+Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
+ -- Pablo Picasso
+%
+Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
+the world that just don't add up.
+%
+Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
+than the estimate the job will cost.
+%
+Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
+ -- LaRouchefoucauld
+%
+Concept, n.:
+ Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
+$25,000.
+%
+... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
+business, it probably would be gibberish.
+ -- Thom McLeod
+%
+Condense soup, not books!
+%
+Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
+good for dandruff.
+ -- Peter de Vries
+%
+Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
+situation.
+%
+Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
+would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
+you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
+maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
+OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
+UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
+IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
+WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
+SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
+RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
+RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
+FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
+ -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
+%
+Connector Conspiracy, n:
+ [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
+KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
+manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
+to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
+stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
+interface devices.
+%
+Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
+%
+Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
+wish you weren't.
+%
+"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
+ -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
+%
+Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
+give it back to them.
+%
+"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
+if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
+technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
+%
+Conversation, n.:
+ A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
+is called the listener.
+%
+Conway's Law:
+ In any organization there will always be one person who knows
+ what is going on.
+
+ This person must be fired.
+%
+Coronation, n.:
+ The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
+visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
+bomb.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Corrupt, adj.:
+ In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
+%
+Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
+muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
+make of capitalism.
+ -- Walter Lippmann
+%
+Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job
+is to enforce the law and fight crime.
+ -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
+%
+Court, n.:
+ A place where they dispense with justice.
+ -- Arthur Train
+%
+Coward, n.:
+ One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
+nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
+ -- A. E. Newman
+%
+Critic, n.:
+ A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
+to please him.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Croll's Query:
+ If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
+%
+cursor address, n:
+ "Hello, cursor!"
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
+eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
+business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
+ -- Johnny Hart
+%
+"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
+eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
+business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
+ -- Johnny Hart
+%
+Cynic, n.:
+ A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
+as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
+out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Cynic, n.:
+ One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
+eye.
+%
+Dare to be naive.
+ -- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
+%
+Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
+Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
+%
+Dawn, n.:
+ The time when men of reason go to bed.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
+%
+%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
+VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
+%
+Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
+easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
+improve.
+%
+Dear Lord:
+ I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
+the other hand", again.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+ My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
+elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
+courses, is all right. Which is correct?
+
+Gentle Reader:
+ For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
+economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this
+principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
+than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
+believes that is.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+ Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
+your face.
+
+Gentle Reader:
+ Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
+your face ...
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
+of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
+will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
+commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
+"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
+table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
+says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
+"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
+complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
+if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
+dead bat?
+
+Answer: Yes.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
+
+Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
+signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
+word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
+ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
+creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
+quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
+DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
+%
+Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
+%
+"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
+%
+Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
+%
+Death is only a state of mind.
+
+Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
+%
+Death to all fanatics!
+%
+Decision maker, n.:
+ The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
+before the music stopped.
+%
+Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
+overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
+language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
+judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
+addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
+ -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
+ Assoc.
+%
+ Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
+
+Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
+Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
+Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
+Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
+
+Don't we know archaic barrel,
+Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
+Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
+Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
+marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
+theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
+those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
+blessed.
+ -- Randy Davis
+%
+default, n.:
+ [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
+mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
+come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
+#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
+ - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
+ - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
+
+ -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
+%
+ DELETE A FORTUNE!
+
+Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
+to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
+"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
+gets expunged.
+%
+Deliberation, n.:
+ The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
+buttered on.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
+%
+Demand the establishment of the government
+in its rightful home at Disneyland.
+%
+Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
+we deserve.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
+aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
+ -- Senator Soaper
+%
+Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
+incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
+ -- G. B. Shaw
+%
+Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
+don't think.
+%
+Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
+Jackasses.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
+ -- Jawaharlal Nehru
+%
+Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
+are right more than half of the time.
+ -- E. B. White
+%
+Democracy, n.:
+ A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass
+meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy.
+Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
+Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
+whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
+prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
+Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
+ -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
+ since withdrawn.
+%
+Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
+board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
+%
+Dentist, n.:
+ A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
+coins out of one's pockets.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Despising machines to a man,
+The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
+ And ride out by night
+ In a sheeting of white
+To lynch all the robots they can.
+ -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
+%
+Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
+be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
+the table.
+ -- The Anarchist Cookbook
+%
+ DETERIORATA
+
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
+And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
+Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
+Rotate your tires.
+Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
+And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
+Know what to kiss -- and when.
+Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
+But that three do.
+Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
+Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
+And despite the changing fortunes of time,
+There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
+
+ You are a fluke of the universe ...
+ You have no right to be here.
+ Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
+ Is laughing behind your back.
+ -- National Lampoon
+%
+DeVries's Dilemma:
+ If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
+hits the paper.
+%
+Did I say 2? I lied.
+%
+Did you know ...
+
+That no-one ever reads these things?
+%
+Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
+them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
+%
+Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
+that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
+
+ "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
+ squirrel."
+
+ -- ihuxw!tommyo
+%
+Die, v.:
+ To stop sinning suddenly.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
+conventional thing to happen to him."
+ -- John Barrymore's dying words
+%
+Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
+%
+Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
+Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
+%
+Disc space -- the final frontier!
+%
+Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
+yours too."
+ -- Dave Haynie
+%
+Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
+employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
+coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
+non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
+absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
+The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
+the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
+non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
+%
+Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
+%
+Distinctive, adj.:
+ A different color or shape than our competitors.
+%
+Distress, n.:
+ A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
+injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
+damage inflicted on the vehicle.
+%
+Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
+%
+Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
+%
+Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+%
+Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.
+%
+Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
+anger.
+%
+"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
+with ketchup."
+%
+Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
+Violators will be prosecuted.
+(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
+%
+Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
+%
+Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
+day as it comes.
+ -- Donald Kaul
+%
+Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
+%
+Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
+%
+Do you have lysdexia?
+%
+Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
+the time to take the dirt out of them?
+%
+"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
+"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
+"I've never done anything illegal before."
+"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
+%
+Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
+when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
+ -- Dick Brandon
+%
+Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
+be good because the programmers hate it so much.
+%
+Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
+%
+Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
+%
+Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
+ -- Golda Meir
+%
+Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
+%
+Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
+ -- Joe Cointment
+%
+"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
+sincerely, extremely dangerously.
+
+They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
+They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They
+used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used
+finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used
+fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints.
+They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile.
+They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
+They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And
+what the hell, they caught him.
+
+ -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
+ Tick-Tock Man"
+%
+Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
+%
+Don't feed the bats tonight.
+%
+Don't get even -- get odd!
+%
+Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
+misleading. Debug only code.
+ -- Dave Storer
+%
+"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
+you nothing. It was here first."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
+%
+Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
+%
+Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
+%
+Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
+%
+Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
+%
+Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
+distance.
+%
+Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
+%
+Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
+%
+Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
+it today you can do it again tomorrow.
+%
+"Don't say yes until I finish talking."
+ -- Darryl F. Zanuck
+%
+Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
+Cheat.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
+ -- "Brazil"
+%
+Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
+%
+Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
+%
+"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
+get more wax!!"
+%
+Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
+avoiding you.
+ -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
+%
+"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
+good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
+ -- Howard Aiken
+%
+Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
+tomorrow in Australia.
+ -- Charles Schultz
+%
+Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
+busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
+%
+Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
+%
+Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
+ pretty?
+W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
+ bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
+ sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
+Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
+W. C.: It's almost impossible.
+ -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
+ E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
+%
+ Double Bucky
+ (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
+
+Double bucky, you're the one!
+You make my keyboard lots of fun
+ Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
+(Vo-vo-de-o!)
+Control and Meta side by side,
+Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
+ Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
+
+Double bucky, left and right
+OR'd together, outta sight!
+ Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
+ Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
+ Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
+
+ -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
+%
+Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
+ An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
+fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
+belief in the tooth fairy.
+%
+Down with categorical imperative!
+%
+"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
+%
+Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
+ The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
+of your eyes.
+%
+Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
+%
+Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
+%
+Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
+route!
+%
+Ducharme's Axiom:
+ If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
+yourself as part of the problem.
+%
+Ducharme's Precept:
+ Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
+%
+Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
+it holds the universe together ...
+ -- Carl Zwanzig
+%
+Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
+has been discontinued.
+%
+Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
+and captain of your soul.
+%
+Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
+discontinued.
+%
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
+were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
+red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
+"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
+ "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
+shot at mine, over there."
+%
+During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
+times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
+%
+"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
+nothing whatever to do with it."
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+E Pluribus Unix
+%
+Eagleson's Law:
+ Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
+months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
+an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
+%
+Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
+%
+/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
+%
+Earth is a beta site.
+%
+"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
+ -- Jeff Berner
+%
+Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
+ Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
+cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
+the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
+means the puzzle is solved.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+ Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
+%
+"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
+%
+Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Economics, n.:
+ Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
+Galbraith ...
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy
+would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it
+hasn't.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
+percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
+ -- Irsin Edman
+%
+Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
+ -- Bullwinkle Moose
+%
+Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
+people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
+comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
+the "nog" comes from.
+
+To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
+season, eggs...
+%
+Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
+of being a damned fool.
+ -- Bellamy Brooks
+%
+Egotist, n.:
+ A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Ehrman's Commentary:
+ (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
+ (2) Who said things would get better?
+%
+Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
+ -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
+%
+Eleanor Rigby
+ Sits at the keyboard
+ And waits for a line on the screen
+Lives in a dream
+Waits for a signal
+ Finding some code
+ That will make the machine do some more.
+What is it for?
+
+All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
+All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+%
+Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
+%
+ Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
+called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
+have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
+most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
+time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
+have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
+although God alone knows why it would want to.
+ The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
+direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
+have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
+direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
+harmful electron buildup in the wires.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Electrocution, n.:
+ Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
+%
+Elevators smell different to midgets
+%
+Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
+ Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
+can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
+%
+Encyclopedia Salesmen:
+ Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
+and tell them your house is being burgled.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
+Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
+ -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
+%
+Entropy isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
+otherwise require harder thinking.
+ -- Jerome Lettvin
+%
+Epperson's law:
+ When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
+something his wife can beat him at.
+%
+Equal bytes for women.
+%
+Error in operator: add beer
+%
+Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
+ Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
+Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
+ Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
+ -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Etymology, n.:
+ Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
+were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed
+from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
+("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
+ -- Mike Kellen
+%
+Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
+speak it to?
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
+there."
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
+States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
+day.
+%
+Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
+just how busy they are.
+%
+Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
+exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
+All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
+spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
+Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
+take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something?
+My wife is available. No. How about ..."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
+%
+Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
+%
+Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
+woman and stop her.
+%
+"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
+idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
+sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
+of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
+highly-motivated, caustic twits."
+ -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
+%
+Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
+signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
+fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
+spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
+genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
+of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
+humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
+ -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
+%
+Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
+
+Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
+front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
+odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
+and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
+legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
+there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
+of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
+color"], that does not exist.
+%
+Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
+ -- Frank Moore Colby
+%
+Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
+%
+Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
+ -- Don Vonada
+%
+"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
+%
+Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
+richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
+
+It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
+%
+Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
+instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
+program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
+%
+Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
+another for which it wasn't.
+%
+Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
+%
+Every solution breeds new problems.
+%
+Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
+guarantee of eventual success.
+%
+"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
+%
+Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
+ -- Beckett
+%
+Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
+ -- Dykstra
+%
+Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
+%
+Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
+taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers.
+%
+Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
+realize it.
+%
+Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
+formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
+scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
+wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of
+existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
+discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
+problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
+mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
+one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
+different way ...
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
+%
+Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
+no one we know belongs.
+%
+Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
+that a belch is more satisfying.
+ -- Ingmar Bergman
+%
+Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
+%
+Everything you know is wrong!
+%
+Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
+obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
+solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
+There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
+straight lines.
+ -- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+ Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
+mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
+"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
+how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
+"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
+So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
+%
+Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
+%
+Excellent day to have a rotten day.
+%
+Excellent time to become a missing person.
+%
+Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
+acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
+%
+Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
+the work.
+ -- John G. Pollard
+%
+Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
+%
+Expense Accounts, n.:
+ Corporate food stamps.
+%
+Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
+ -- Olivier
+%
+Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
+when you make it again.
+ -- F. P. Jones
+%
+Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
+the instruction afterward.
+%
+Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
+ones.
+%
+Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
+%
+Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
+%
+Expert, n.:
+ Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
+%
+Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
+
+ NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
+
+To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
+cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
+corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
+address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
+to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
+left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
+below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
+computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
+SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
+(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
+Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
+disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
+this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
+completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
+%
+F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
+%
+f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
+%
+F: When into a room I plunge, I
+ Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
+ Then I linger, darkly brooding
+ On the poison they're exuding.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
+%
+Fairy Tale, n.:
+ A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
+%
+Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
+without looking to see whether the seeds move.
+%
+Faith, n:
+ That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
+untrue.
+%
+Fakir, n:
+ A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
+religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
+have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
+%
+Familiarity breeds attempt
+%
+Families, when a child is born
+Want it to be intelligent.
+I, through intelligence,
+Having wrecked my whole life,
+Only hope the baby will prove
+Ignorant and stupid.
+Then he will crown a tranquil life
+By becoming a Cabinet Minister
+ -- Su Tung-p'o
+%
+Famous last words:
+%
+Famous last words:
+ (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
+ (2) "You and what army?"
+ (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
+ a cop."
+%
+Famous last words:
+ (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
+ (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
+ (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
+ (4) We won't need reservations.
+ (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
+ (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
+ (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
+%
+Famous, adj.:
+ Conspicuously miserable.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
+Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
+Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
+utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
+forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
+are a pretty neat idea ...
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
+every six months.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Fats Loves Madelyn
+%
+Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
+%
+Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
+neither will you.
+%
+ Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
+other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
+the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
+d'oeuvres.
+ Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
+to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
+Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
+piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
+ Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
+inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
+other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
+placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
+the little hammers strike.
+ Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
+their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
+Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
+
+ You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
+you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
+4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
+%
+Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
+ If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
+
+Corollary:
+ If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
+live.
+%
+Fifth Law of Procrastination:
+ Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
+there is nothing important to do.
+%
+Fifty flippant frogs
+Walked by on flippered feet
+And with their slime they made the time
+Unnaturally fleet.
+%
+ FIGHTING WORDS
+
+Say my love is easy had,
+ Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
+Say I am too often sad --
+ Still behold me at your side.
+
+Say I'm neither brave nor young,
+ Say I woo and coddle care,
+Say the devil touched my tongue --
+ Still you have my heart to wear.
+
+But say my verses do not scan,
+ And I get me another man!
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
+Carolina.
+%
+Finagle's Creed:
+ Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
+%
+Finagle's First Law:
+ If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
+%
+Finagle's fourth Law:
+ Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
+it worse.
+%
+Finagle's Second Law:
+ No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
+someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
+happened according to his own pet theory.
+%
+Finagle's Third Law:
+ In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
+ beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
+
+Corollaries:
+ (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
+ (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
+ don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
+%
+Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
+on a rock.
+ -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
+%
+Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
+%
+Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
+%
+Fine's Corollary:
+ Functionality breeds Contempt.
+%
+Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
+
+ "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
+
+Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
+
+ P.O. Box 35
+ Baffled Greek, Michigan
+%
+First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
+ Machines that piss people off get murdered.
+ -- Pat Taber
+%
+First Law of Bicycling:
+ No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
+wind.
+%
+First Law of Procrastination:
+ Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
+for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
+the deadline).
+%
+First Law of Socio-Genetics:
+ Celibacy is not hereditary.
+%
+First Rule of History:
+ History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
+other.
+%
+"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
+ -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
+%
+First, a few words about tools.
+
+Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
+the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
+injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
+you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
+particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
+granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
+ -- Robert Firth
+%
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the m"obius strip;
+ The strip revolved,
+ The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+%
+FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
+the little hand is on the ....
+%
+Flon's Law:
+ There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
+the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
+%
+Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
+husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
+joules!"
+
+"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
+a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
+
+"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
+in my burette ... We must call a copper."
+
+Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
+said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
+of Lawrence Ium.
+
+"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
+dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
+catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
+activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
+ -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
+%
+flowchart, n. & v.:
+ [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
+"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
+1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
+problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
+using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
+doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
+wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
+thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
+Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
+flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
+(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Flugg's Law:
+ When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
+world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
+%
+Flying saucers on occasion
+ Show themselves to human eyes.
+Aliens fume, put off invasion
+ While they brand these tales as lies.
+%
+Fog Lamps, n.:
+ Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
+fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
+driver's brain is in a fog.
+
+See also "Idiot Lights".
+%
+Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
+%
+For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
+%
+For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
+%
+For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
+cat.
+%
+"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
+%
+For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
+always old-fashioned.
+%
+For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
+and wrong.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
+ -- R. Clopton
+%
+ "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
+of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
+
+ "Whose?"
+
+ "MINE! HA-HA!"
+%
+For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
+%
+For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
+life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
+now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
+when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
+in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
+the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
+means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
+advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
+the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
+names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
+("part of this complete breakfast").
+ -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
+%
+For perfect happiness, remember two things:
+ (1) Be content with what you've got.
+ (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
+%
+For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
+"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
+ -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
+ the U.S.
+%
+For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
+%
+"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
+a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
+computers altogether?"
+ -- Jehan Shuman
+%
+For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
+like.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
+phone calls taper off."
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
+I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
+But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
+Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
+ -- Justin Richardson.
+%
+For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
+%
+Forgetfulness, n.:
+ A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
+destitution of conscience.
+%
+Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
+
+RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
+ One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
+ arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
+ hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
+%
+fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
+
+ I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
+ "Hey you, get off my plate"
+ -- Roger Midnight
+%
+Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
+ "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
+%
+Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
+
+ Don't Write On Walls!
+
+ (and underneath)
+
+ You want I should type?
+%
+Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
+ No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
+State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
+with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
+weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
+apply to female horses.
+%
+Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
+Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
+impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
+clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
+exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
+
+DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
+ having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
+HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
+DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
+ is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
+ large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
+ amounts of fertilization ...
+HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
+ teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
+%
+Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
+
+ Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
+%
+FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
+
+Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
+liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
+light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
+drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
+
+Q: Are you married?
+A: No, I'm divorced.
+Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
+A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
+
+Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
+A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
+
+THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
+ information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
+ any ...
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
+
+Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
+A: I will be three months November 8th.
+Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
+A: Yes.
+Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
+
+Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
+A: No.
+Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
+A: Picking them up in the air.
+Q: Where was the dog at this time?
+A: Attached to the ears.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
+
+Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
+ able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
+ go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
+ him to the station?
+MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
+
+Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
+A: By death.
+Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
+
+Q: What is your name?
+A: Ernestine McDowell.
+Q: And what is your marital status?
+A: Fair.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
+
+Q: What happened then?
+A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
+ me."
+Q: Did he kill you?
+A: No.
+%
+fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
+%
+Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
+sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
+
+Oh, and have a nice day!
+ -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
+%
+Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
+ The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
+instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
+
+Corollary:
+ Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
+except study for that instructor's course.
+%
+Fourth Law of Revision:
+ It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
+interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
+%
+Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
+almost one, it is damn near zero.
+ -- David Ellis
+%
+Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
+policeman's tie.
+%
+Fresco's Discovery:
+ If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
+%
+Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
+Let me clue you in;
+I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
+The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
+The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
+Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
+If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
+And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
+Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
+So are they all, all cool cats, --
+Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
+%
+Frisbeetarianism, n.:
+ The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
+gets stuck.
+%
+Frobnicate, v.:
+ To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
+Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
+frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
+sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
+manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
+search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
+turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
+he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
+screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
+turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
+%
+Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
+ An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
+electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
+FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
+FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
+FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
+via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
+applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
+%
+[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
+Association, in Rome]:
+
+The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
+and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
+spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
+or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
+millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
+reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
+engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
+president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
+schizophrenia in mass genocide.
+%
+From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
+
+Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
+the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
+Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
+candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
+nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
+other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
+qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
+being nuts (unground)."
+%
+From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
+convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
+ -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
+%
+[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
+in Japan]:
+
+The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
+MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
+featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
+against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
+"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
+Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
+operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
+
+And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
+achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
+HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
+%
+From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
+instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
+experience in sound:
+
+ 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
+ sound is normal for this type of connector.
+%
+From too much love of living,
+From hope and fear set free,
+We thank with brief thanksgiving,
+Whatever gods may be,
+That no life lives forever,
+That dead men rise up never,
+That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
+ -- Swinburne
+%
+Fuch's Warning:
+ If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
+enough to travel.
+%
+Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
+ Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
+%
+Furbling, v.:
+ Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
+even when you are the only person in line.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
+ -- H. H. Williams
+%
+Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
+%
+G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
+of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
+secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
+`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
+that's your chance, my boy."
+%
+Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
+%
+Garter, n.:
+ An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
+stockings and desolating the country.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
+on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
+ -- Adventures of Asterix.
+%
+Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
+
+ Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
+than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
+ "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
+Obvious, isn't it?
+ Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
+speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
+long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
+your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
+so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
+individuals and then grow ...
+ Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
+signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
+everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
+the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
+backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
+think not, my friend, I think not.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
+extracurricular activity except you."
+ "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
+ "Only to ten, Mudhead."
+
+ -- Firesign Theater
+%
+"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
+ You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
+because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
+for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
+committing incest.
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
+ Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
+you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
+and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
+trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
+%
+Genderplex, n.:
+ The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
+determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
+tortoises).
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
+you should.
+%
+Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
+handicapped.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Genius, n.:
+ A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
+"bright".
+%
+George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
+ -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
+%
+George Orwell was an optimist.
+%
+George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
+have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
+ -- Ashley Cooper
+%
+Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
+ (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
+ direction.
+ (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
+ (3) The energy required to change either one of these states
+ will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
+ much as to make the task totally impossible.
+%
+Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
+%
+ Get GUMMed
+ --- ------
+The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
+1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
+the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
+each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
+chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
+nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
+days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
+seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
+friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
+Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
+"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
+Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
+all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
+could tell them.
+ -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
+%
+Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
+%
+ -- Gifts for Children --
+
+This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
+because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
+and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
+morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
+exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
+your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
+Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
+might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
+me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
+who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+ -- Gifts for Men --
+
+Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
+ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
+should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
+clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
+example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
+three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
+that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
+at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
+So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
+years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
+pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
+
+If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
+than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
+of tires.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+ Gimmie That Old Time Religion
+We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
+Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
+I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
+And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
+ (chorus) (chorus)
+
+In the church of Aphrodite,
+The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
+She's a mighty righteous sightie,
+And she's good enough for me!
+ (chorus)
+
+CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
+ Give me that old time religion,
+ Give me that old time religion,
+ 'Cause it's good enough for me!
+%
+Ginsberg's Theorem:
+ (1) You can't win.
+ (2) You can't break even.
+ (3) You can't even quit the game.
+
+Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
+ Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
+ meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
+ Theorem. To wit:
+
+ (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
+ (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
+ even.
+ (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
+ game.
+%
+Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
+to stand, and I will drain the world.
+%
+"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
+ -- Napolean
+%
+Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
+%
+Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
+a new town.
+%
+Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
+%
+"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
+around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."
+ -- Eric Clapton
+%
+Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
+Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP
+machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
+ Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
+probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some
+useful work done.
+%
+Gnagloot, n.:
+ A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
+impress people.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Go 'way! You're bothering me!
+%
+Go climb a gravity well!
+%
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
+be in owning a piece thereof.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
+%
+God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
+days and then pulled an all-nighter.
+%
+God doesn't play dice.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
+
+Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
+end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
+can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
+would he lie about a thing like that?
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
+The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
+not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
+... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
+smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
+water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
+the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
+night!
+ -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
+%
+God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
+%
+God is a polythiest
+%
+God is Dead
+ -- Nietzsche
+Nietzsche is Dead
+ -- God
+Nietzsche is God
+ -- The Dead
+%
+God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
+%
+God is real, unless declared integer.
+%
+God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
+elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
+other things.
+ -- Pablo Picasso
+%
+God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
+ -- Alfred Jarry
+%
+God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
+%
+God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
+%
+God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
+ -- Kronecker
+%
+God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
+%
+God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
+%
+God rest ye CS students now,
+Let nothing you dismay.
+The VAX is down and won't be up,
+Until the first of May.
+The program that was due this morn,
+Won't be postponed, they say.
+
+ Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
+ Comfort and joy,
+ Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
+
+The bearings on the drum are gone,
+The disk is wobbling, too.
+We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
+Can't tell false from true.
+And now we find that we can't get
+At Berkeley's 4.2.
+
+ (chorus)
+%
+Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
+school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
+person a car.
+%
+Gold, n.:
+ A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
+is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
+immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
+hasn't done anything to them.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Goldenstern's Rules:
+ (1) Always hire a rich attorney
+ (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
+%
+Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
+example.
+ -- La Rouchefoucauld
+%
+Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
+%
+Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
+%
+Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
+%
+Good day to let down old friends who need help.
+%
+Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
+%
+Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
+%
+Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
+%
+Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
+new lover.
+%
+"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."
+ -- George Saunders' dying words
+%
+Gordon's first law:
+ If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
+well.
+%
+"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time
+travel, you never can tell."
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
+Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
+time travel, you never can tell."
+ -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
+%
+Got Mole problems?
+Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
+%
+Goto, n.:
+ A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
+to complain about unstructured programmers.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
+ -- John Updike, "Couples"
+%
+Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
+different lies.
+%
+Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
+any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
+doesn't know much.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Grabel's Law:
+ 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
+%
+Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
+%
+Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.
+%
+Grandpa Charnock's Law:
+ You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
+%
+Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
+%
+Gray's Law of Programming:
+ `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
+time as `_n' tasks.
+
+Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
+ `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
+%
+Great minds run in great circles.
+%
+ GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
+
+On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
+Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
+off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
+wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
+mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
+tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
+stood lookout.
+%
+Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
+tickets.
+%
+Greener's Law:
+ Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
+%
+Grelb's Reminder:
+ Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
+average drivers.
+%
+"Grub first, then ethics."
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+Gurmlish, n.:
+ The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
+prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his
+mouth.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Gyroscope, n.:
+ A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
+free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
+other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
+mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
+other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
+offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
+torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
+ -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
+%
+H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
+Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
+ -- Maxwell Bodenheim
+%
+H. L. Mencken's Law:
+ Those who can -- do.
+ Those who can't -- teach.
+
+Martin's Extension:
+ Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
+%
+H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
+ Slice him up before he slays you.
+ Nothing makes you look a slob
+ Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Hacker's Law:
+ The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
+nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
+%
+Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
+%
+... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
+and you would not have been informed.
+%
+Hail to the sun god
+He sure is a fun god
+Ra! Ra! Ra!
+%
+Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
+enough majority in any town?
+ -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
+%
+Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
+%
+Half-done:
+ This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
+crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
+between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
+the difference between life and death.
+ You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
+there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
+airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
+Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
+Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
+about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
+man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
+ Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Hall's Laws of Politics:
+ (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
+ (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
+ fixed.
+ (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
+ military spending, and conservatives social spending in
+ their own districts).
+%
+Hand, n.:
+ A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
+commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Hanlon's Razor:
+ Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
+stupidity.
+%
+Hanson's Treatment of Time:
+ There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
+before Saturday.
+%
+Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
+ -- Oscar Levant
+%
+Happiness, n.:
+ An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
+another.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
+%
+Hardware, n.:
+ The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
+%
+Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
+convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
+ -- Tobias Smollet
+%
+Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
+The Duke is fond of kittens
+He likes to take their insides out
+And use them for his mittens
+ From "The Thirteen Clocks"
+%
+Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
+Advertising wondrous things.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Harris's Lament:
+ All the good ones are taken.
+%
+Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
+ Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
+ruined.
+%
+Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
+makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
+famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
+probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
+have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
+enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
+attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
+down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
+just like Richard Nixon."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
+%
+Hartley's First Law:
+ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
+on his back, you've got something.
+%
+Hartley's Second Law:
+ Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+%
+Harvard Law:
+ Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
+temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
+do as it damn well pleases.
+%
+"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
+"Yes, I don't have one."
+"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
+ -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
+%
+Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
+typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
+keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
+of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
+not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
+%
+ Has your family tried 'em?
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
+
+ They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
+ strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
+ biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
+ that indicate freshness.
+%
+Hatred, n.:
+ A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
+superiority.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Have an adequate day.
+%
+Have an adequate day.
+%
+Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
+to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
+non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
+
+Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
+still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
+only serves to blunt the warning signs.
+
+ Long live the revolution!
+ Have a nice day.
+%
+Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
+you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
+for play?
+%
+Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
+I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
+filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
+sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
+their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
+mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
+they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+"Have you lived here all your life?"
+"Oh, twice that long."
+%
+Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
+crack in your sidewalk?
+%
+Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
+sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
+Have you reconsidered a computer career?
+%
+"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
+effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
+perversion."
+ -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
+%
+"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
+%
+He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
+perfectly delightful.
+ -- Sydney Smith
+%
+He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
+heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
+of ever behaving "normally."
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
+%
+He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
+ -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
+%
+He thought he saw an albatross
+That fluttered 'round the lamp.
+He looked again and saw it was
+A penny postage stamp.
+"You'd best be getting home," he said,
+"The nights are rather damp."
+%
+He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
+ -- Jonathon Swift
+%
+"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
+insufferable."
+%
+"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
+eyes ..."
+%
+He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
+attacks democracy itself.
+ -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
+%
+He who Laughs, Lasts.
+%
+"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
+%
+He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
+there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
+%
+"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
+%
+HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
+SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
+ -- Walt Kelley
+%
+Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
+%
+Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
+of nothing.
+ -- Redd Foxx
+%
+Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
+of nothing.
+ -- Redd Foxx
+%
+Heaven, n.:
+ A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
+their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
+expound your own.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Heavy, adj.:
+ Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
+%
+"Heisenberg may have slept here"
+%
+Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
+ -- Milton Friedman
+%
+Heller's Law:
+ The first myth of management is that it exists.
+
+Johnson's Corollary:
+ Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
+organization.
+%
+"Hello," he lied.
+ -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
+%
+Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
+%
+Help fight continental drift.
+%
+Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
+%
+Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
+%
+Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
+%
+HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
+ -- E. E. CUMMINGS
+%
+Her locks an ancient lady gave
+Her loving husband's life to save;
+And men -- they honored so the dame --
+Upon some stars bestowed her name.
+
+But to our modern married fair,
+Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
+No stellar recognition's given.
+There are not stars enough in heaven.
+%
+"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
+Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
+%
+Here I sit, broken-hearted,
+All logged in, but work unstarted.
+First net.this and net.that,
+And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
+
+The boss comes by, and I play the game,
+Then I turn back to net.flame.
+Is there a cure (I need your views),
+For someone trapped in net.news?
+
+I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
+'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
+%
+Here in my heart, I am Helen;
+ I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
+I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
+ I'm Salome, moon of the East.
+
+Here in my soul I am Sappho;
+ Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
+In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
+ With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
+
+I'm all of the glamorous ladies
+ At whose beckoning history shook.
+But you are a man, and see only my pan,
+ So I stay at home with a book.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
+lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
+your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
+Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
+pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
+but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
+important electrical lesson.
+
+It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
+your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
+objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
+attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
+collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
+friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
+carpet, thus completing the circuit.
+
+Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
+touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
+finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
+have carpeting.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+ Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
+month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
+are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
+ The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
+(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
+tadpole".
+ Bite the wax tadpole.
+ There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
+ The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
+hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
+bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
+but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
+ -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
+`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
+ -- Jay Leno
+%
+Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
+then they'd be algorithms.
+%
+"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
+reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
+nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
+%
+"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
+As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
+equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
+Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
+probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
+course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
+experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
+of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
+
+"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
+motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
+%
+Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
+Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
+Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
+Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
+ We buried him today because
+ As far as we can tell, he's dead.
+ -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
+ Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
+ "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
+ Schickele
+%
+Higgeldy Piggeldy,
+Hamlet of Elsinore
+Ruffled the critics by
+Dropping this bomb:
+"Phooey on Freud and his
+Psychoanalysis --
+Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
+I just love Mom."
+%
+Hindsight is an exact science.
+%
+Hippogriff, n.:
+ An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
+The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
+The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
+is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
+of surprises.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Hire the morally handicapped.
+%
+"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
+money, he went to Southern California."
+%
+"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
+ -- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
+%
+History is curious stuff
+ You'd think by now we had enough
+Yet the fact remains I fear
+ They make more of it every year.
+%
+History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
+%
+History, n.:
+ Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
+learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
+what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long
+view.
+ -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
+%
+Hlade's Law:
+ If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
+will find an easier way to do it.
+%
+Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
+ Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
+out.
+%
+Hofstadter's Law:
+ It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
+Hofstadter's Law into account.
+%
+Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
+ -- Rex Reed
+%
+ Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
+willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
+for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
+"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
+centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
+trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
+because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
+object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
+ Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
+broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
+a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
+inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
+same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
+an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
+these sometime around the middle of next week".
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
+The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
+ -- Chris Shaw
+%
+"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
+%
+Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
+ -- F. M. Hubbard
+%
+Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
+%
+Honk if you love peace and quiet.
+%
+Honorable, adj.:
+ Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
+bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
+honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Horngren's Observation:
+ Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+%
+Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
+people.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
+%
+"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed."
+ -- Neil Armstrong
+%
+How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
+%
+How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
+%
+How come wrong numbers are never busy?
+%
+"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
+%
+How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
+ -- Elliot, "E.T."
+%
+How doth the little crocodile
+ Improve his shining tail,
+And pour the waters of the Nile
+ On every golden scale!
+
+How cheerfully he seems to grin,
+ How neatly spreads his claws,
+And welcomes little fishes in,
+ With gently smiling jaws!
+ -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+%
+How doth the VAX's C compiler
+Improve its object code.
+And even as we speak does it
+Increase the system load.
+
+How patiently it seems to run
+And spit out error flags,
+While users, with frustration, all
+Tear their clothes to rags.
+%
+How doth the VAX's C-compiler
+Improve its object code.
+And even as we speak does it
+Increase the system load.
+
+How patiently it seems to run
+And spit out error flags,
+While users, with frustration, all
+Tear all their clothes to rags.
+%
+How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
+on.
+%
+How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "We'll fix it in software."
+
+How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "We'll document it in the manual."
+
+How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "The user can work it out."
+%
+"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
+carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
+
+Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
+d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
+what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
+say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
+back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
+cheese!" and so on.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+ How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
+3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
+who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
+nanocentury.
+ -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
+%
+How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
+Dayton?
+ -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
+%
+How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+%
+How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+%
+HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
+ #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
+%
+HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
+ #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
+%
+HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
+
+ #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
+ you.
+%
+Howe's Law:
+ Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
+%
+However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
+manner ... sulking and nausea.
+ -- Tom K. Ryan
+%
+HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill.,
+motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
+amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
+The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
+Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
+bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
+the bill. Agreed to.
+ -- Albuquerque Journal
+%
+ Hug O' War
+
+I will not play at tug o' war.
+I'd rather play at hug o' war,
+Where everyone hugs
+Instead of tugs,
+Where everyone giggles
+And rolls on the rug,
+Where everyone kisses,
+And everyone grins,
+And everyone cuddles,
+And everyone wins.
+ -- Shel Silverstein
+%
+Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
+%
+Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
+1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
+operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
+catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
+his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
+the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
+Nobel Prize.
+%
+Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
+%
+"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
+ -- William Gilbert
+%
+Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
+ The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
+to ..... to ........ uh ..............
+%
+I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
+professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
+other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+
+What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
+have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
+This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
+reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
+by some more."
+ -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
+%
+I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
+%
+"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
+ -- Paul McCracken
+%
+"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
+ -- Dennis Ritchie
+%
+"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
+ -- English Professor
+%
+"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
+great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
+has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
+ -- English Professor, Ohio University
+%
+I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
+with an option to buy.
+%
+"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
+%
+"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
+of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
+you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
+atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
+inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
+ -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
+%
+"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
+the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
+you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
+ -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
+ University of Tennessee at Knoxville
+%
+"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
+argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
+steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
+they don't even invite me."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+"I bet the human brain is a kludge."
+ -- Marvin Minsky
+%
+I brake for chezlogs!
+%
+I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
+ -- Biff Barf
+%
+I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
+prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
+bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
+relentless day.
+ -- Betty MacDonald
+%
+I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
+%
+"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
+25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
+true."
+ -- Harry Truman
+%
+"I can resist anything but temptation."
+%
+"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
+ -- Joe Walsh
+%
+"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
+ -- Florence Henderson
+%
+I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
+understand it.
+ -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
+%
+I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
+novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
+ -- Lillian Hellman
+%
+I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
+of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
+ -- F. H. Wales (1936)
+%
+I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
+
+What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
+grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
+of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
+United States would have lost World War II."
+ -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
+%
+ "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
+voice.
+ "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
+course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
+I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
+Elven-lore:
+
+ "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
+ Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
+ Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
+ This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
+ The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
+ The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
+ If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
+ If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
+%
+" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
+instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
+standing still ..."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
+dance with the cows till you come home.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps
+the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
+ -- Peter Oakley
+%
+"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
+%
+I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
+curtain was up.
+%
+ I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
+we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
+leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
+in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
+time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
+library, we could call each other up:
+
+ You: Hello? Bob?
+ Bob: Yes?
+ You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
+ took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
+ Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
+ You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
+ "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
+ I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
+ and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
+ the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
+ have to get back to you.
+ Bob: Fine.
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
+exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
+minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
+accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
+mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
+bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
+different.
+ -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
+%
+"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
+with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
+ -- Galileo Galilei
+%
+"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
+don't believe in astrology."
+ -- James R. F. Quirk
+%
+I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
+a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
+numbers!!
+%
+I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
+a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
+ -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
+%
+"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
+nominating"
+ -- Boss Tweed
+%
+"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
+people waiting to abuse me."
+ -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
+%
+I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
+ -- Elvis Presley
+%
+"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
+ -- Elvis Presley
+%
+ "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
+ Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
+till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
+you!'"
+ "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
+objected.
+ "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
+tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
+less."
+ "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
+so many different things."
+ "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
+that's all."
+ -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
+eat it, and I just hate it."
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
+ -- Ronald Mabbitt
+%
+I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
+streets and frighten the horses.
+ -- Victor Hugo
+%
+"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
+%
+"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
+%
+"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other
+hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
+%
+I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
+the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
+thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
+broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
+Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
+their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
+ -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
+ COMING!"
+%
+I doubt, therefore I might be.
+%
+"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
+on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
+he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
+becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+"I drink to make other people interesting."
+ -- George Jean Nathan
+%
+I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
+so I woke up from sheer boredom.
+%
+I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
+accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
+the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
+can't be measured in monetary terms.
+
+Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
+that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
+subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
+someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
+understand his long delay.
+%
+"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
+%
+"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
+reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
+ -- Gotama Buddha
+%
+I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
+minutes of my life!
+%
+'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I get up each morning, gather my wits.
+ Pick up the paper, read the obits.
+If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
+ So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
+%
+I get up each morning, gather my wits.
+Pick up the paper, read the obits.
+If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
+So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
+
+Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
+My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
+But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
+And think of the places my get-up has been.
+ -- Pete Seeger
+%
+"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
+Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
+ -- Mary Lou Bax
+%
+"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
+%
+"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
+it's going to be up all night."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"I hate quotations."
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+I have a simple philosophy:
+
+ Fill what's empty.
+ Empty what's full.
+ Scratch where it itches.
+ -- A. R. Longworth
+%
+"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
+any time!"
+%
+"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
+which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
+and they never believe me.
+ -- Camillo Di Cavour
+%
+I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
+ -- Edgar Allan Poe
+%
+"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
+sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
+eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
+have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
+beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
+guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
+of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
+ -- President Harry S Truman
+%
+I have learned
+To spell hors d'oeuvres
+Which still grates on
+Some people's n'oeuvres.
+ -- Warren Knox
+%
+"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
+that I have never made one."
+ -- James Gordon Bennett
+%
+"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
+make it shorter."
+ -- Blaise Pascal
+%
+I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
+____BODY!
+ -- from "Cerebus" #82
+%
+"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
+scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
+ -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
+%
+"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
+his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
+beating up a child."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
+at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
+ -- Poul Anderson
+%
+"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
+%
+"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
+%
+I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
+%
+"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
+ -- Bill Hoest
+%
+I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
+%
+"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
+War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
+The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
+ -- Charles Schulz
+%
+"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."
+ -- Art Leo
+%
+I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
+promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
+peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
+the way and let them have it.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
+%
+"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
+%
+"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
+entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
+ -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
+%
+"I love to eat them Smurfies
+ Smurfies what I love to eat
+ Bite they ugly heads off,
+ Nibble on they bluish feet."
+%
+"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
+don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
+speed of light."
+ -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
+%
+"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
+week sometimes to make it up."
+ -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
+%
+I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
+%
+"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
+was to go away."
+%
+"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
+%
+I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
+ -- G. B. Shaw
+%
+"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
+ -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
+%
+"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
+kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
+substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
+restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
+made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
+powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
+nerve disease."
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
+%
+I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
+%
+"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
+slob."
+ -- William F. Buckley
+%
+ "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
+that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
+more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
+might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
+otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
+otherwise.'"
+ -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+%
+I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
+the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
+congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
+so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
+plumber.
+
+But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
+as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
+the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
+win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
+write about, such as nose-picking.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+I really hate this damned machine
+I wish that they would sell it.
+It never does quite what I want
+But only what I tell it.
+%
+"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
+%
+I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
+they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
+I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
+Bernoulli would have been content to die
+Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+I sent a letter to the fish,
+I told them, "This is what I wish."
+The little fishes of the sea,
+They sent an answer back to me.
+The little fishes' answer was
+"We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
+I sent a letter back to say
+It would be better to obey.
+But someone came to me and said
+"The little fishes are in bed."
+I said to him, and I said it plain
+"Then you must wake them up again."
+I said it very loud and clear,
+I went and shouted in his ear.
+But he was very stiff and proud,
+He said "You needn't shout so loud."
+And he was very proud and stiff,
+He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
+I took a kettle from the shelf,
+I went to wake them up myself.
+But when I found the door was locked
+I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
+And when I found the door was shut,
+I tried to turn the handle, But ...
+
+ "Is that all?" asked Alice.
+ "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
+ -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
+ -- Graffito in Los Angeles
+%
+"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
+supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
+actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
+ Points in l'Amour"
+%
+"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
+house and four people died."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
+see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
+ -- Shirley Temple
+%
+I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
+too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
+direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
+much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
+tub to face is up.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
+because I couldn't remember the proof."
+ -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
+%
+"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
+%
+I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
+and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
+country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
+in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
+not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A billboard lovely as a tree.
+Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
+I'll never see a tree at all.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A thing as lovely as a tree.
+But as you see the trees have gone
+They went this morning with the dawn.
+A logging firm from out of town
+Came and chopped the trees all down.
+But I will trick those dirty skunks
+And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
+%
+"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
+to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
+farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
+into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
+the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
+off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
+color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
+out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
+singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
+ -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
+%
+I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
+... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
+we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
+When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
+are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
+driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
+Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
+were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
+conversation ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
+"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
+%
+" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
+pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
+twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
+%
+"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
+%
+"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
+%
+"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
+body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
+ -- Emo Phillips
+%
+I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
+near the place.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
+animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
+anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
+safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
+warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
+ -- Brendan Behan
+%
+"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
+Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
+HAW"!!'"
+ -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
+%
+I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
+anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
+a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
+up.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
+put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
+what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
+should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
+get off my driveway."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
+didn't know."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
+their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
+buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
+ -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
+%
+"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
+house and four people died."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
+specific".
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
+it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
+stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
+I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
+absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
+developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
+Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
+temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
+chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
+the point where it would not run at all.
+ -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
+ Holes and the Fate of Stars"
+%
+"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
+questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
+speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
+
+He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
+for him then.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
+the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
+included."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
+statues that are in all the other museums."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
+it took seven others to beat him!
+%
+"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
+There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
+ -- Gallagher
+%
+"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
+always worked for me."
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
+to undo it."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
+snore."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
+`Y.'"
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
+blender."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
+garage door."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
+Julian to Gregorian."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
+static cling."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
+cottage cheese sculpture."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
+transplant."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
+came back."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
+tuned."
+%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
+need worrying about."
+%
+"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
+%
+"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
+carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
+I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
+ -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
+%
+I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
+listen to it!
+ -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
+%
+I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
+Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
+And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
+And in our bound partition never part.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
+That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
+ -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
+%
+"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
+man."
+%
+I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
+%
+"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
+sister."
+%
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler
+I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
+I'll tell some power broker
+ What they did for Iacocca
+Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
+I'm heading for that great receiving line.
+When they hand a million grand out,
+ I'll be standing with my hand out,
+Yessir, I'll get mine!
+ -- Tom Paxton
+%
+I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
+%
+"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
+%
+"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
+die in."
+ -- George McGovern
+%
+I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
+ -- Spider Robinson
+%
+... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
+KOSHER DELI!!
+%
+"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
+ -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
+%
+i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
+living apart.
+ -- e. e. cummings
+%
+I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
+N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
+I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
+She's traversed me seven times before.
+And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
+Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
+I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
+N-ary the tree I am, I am,
+N-ary the tree I am.
+%
+"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
+It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
+%
+"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
+life."
+%
+I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
+-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
+ -- Arthur Godfrey
+%
+I'm rated PG-34!!
+%
+"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
+soon ..."
+%
+"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
+(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
+ -- English Professor, Providence College
+%
+I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
+I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
+In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
+I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
+ -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
+%
+"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
+lives"
+%
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General
+For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
+My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
+My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
+My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
+You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
+There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
+My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
+
+I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
+There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
+Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
+
+ -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
+ "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
+ by Gilbert & Sullivan)
+%
+I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
+%
+I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
+this little hole in the bottom ...
+ -- John Croll
+%
+I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
+%
+I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
+on the same day.
+%
+"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
+%
+"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
+ -- Senator Claghorn
+%
+I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
+And from that full meridian of my glory
+I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
+Like a bright exhalation in the evening
+And no man see me more.
+ -- Shakespeare
+%
+IBM had a PL/I,
+ Its syntax worse than JOSS;
+And everywhere this language went,
+ It was a total loss.
+%
+Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
+of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
+%
+Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
+solitary confinement.
+%
+Idiot Box, n.:
+ The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
+stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Idiot, n.:
+ A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
+affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
+at about 30 miles/second.
+ -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
+%
+If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
+ -- Roy Santoro
+%
+"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
+ -- Paul White
+%
+If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
+forecast is a camel's behind.
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y
+is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
+passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
+hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
+it votes guilty.
+ -- Joseph C. Goulden
+%
+If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
+him up.
+%
+If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
+%
+If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
+dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
+maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
+must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
+attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
+playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win --
+unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
+can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"
+ -- Sparky Anderson
+%
+If all be true that I do think,
+There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
+Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
+Or lest we should be by-and-by,
+Or any other reason why.
+%
+If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
+error.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
+platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
+that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
+%
+If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
+ -- Paul Beatty
+%
+If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
+conclusion.
+ -- William Baumol
+%
+If an S and an I and an O and a U
+With an X at the end spell Su;
+And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
+Pray what is a speller to do?
+Then, if also an S and an I and a G
+And an HED spell side,
+There's nothing much left for a speller to do
+But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
+ -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
+%
+If anything can go wrong, it will.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
+%
+If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
+tellers?
+%
+"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
+%
+If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
+%
+If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
+around a deal faster.
+ -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
+%
+... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
+the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
+asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
+to a can.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
+Ears.
+%
+If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
+Heads.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
+green, baggy skin.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
+%
+If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
+invent it.
+%
+If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
+hands.
+%
+If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
+%
+If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
+%
+"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
+ -- Yiddish saying
+%
+If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
+ -- Marvin Kitman
+%
+"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
+replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
+%
+If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
+ -- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+If I don't drive around the park,
+I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
+If I'm in bed each night by ten,
+I may get back my looks again.
+If I abstain from fun and such,
+I'll probably amount to much;
+But I shall stay the way I am,
+Because I do not give a damn.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
+%
+If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
+plantation and go home.
+ -- Eugene P. Gallagher
+%
+If I had any humility I would be perfect.
+ -- Ted Turner
+%
+"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
+shoulders of giants.
+ -- Isaac Newton
+
+In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
+with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
+ -- Gerald Holton
+
+If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
+on my shoulders.
+ -- Hal Abelson
+
+In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
+ -- Brian K. Reid
+%
+If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
+
+On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
+also a psychological interaction.
+
+The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
+friendly.
+
+The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
+ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
+As Dame Fortune did intend,
+Murphy would be there to tell me
+The pot's at the other end.
+ -- Bert Whitney
+%
+If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
+%
+If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
+%
+If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
+They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
+of it.
+ -- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
+forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
+just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
+And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
+pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
+And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
+think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
+receive Net Mail ..."
+ -- Leith (Casey) Leedom
+%
+If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
+%
+If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
+you've got in the house.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
+the page number.
+%
+If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
+%
+"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
+little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
+Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
+ -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
+%
+If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
+ -- A. Einstein.
+%
+If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
+in my name at a Swiss bank.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
+%
+If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
+having to accomplish anything.
+%
+If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
+he should see how bad it is with representation.
+%
+If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
+arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
+physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
+entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
+ -- Vannevar Bush
+%
+If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
+harder.
+ -- Pope John Paul I
+%
+"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
+ -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
+%
+If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
+presumably flunk it.
+ -- Stanley Garn
+%
+If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
+ -- Norm Schryer
+%
+If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
+get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
+See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
+the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
+that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
+college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
+and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
+rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
+Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
+interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
+opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
+himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
+boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
+me!"
+ -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
+%
+If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
+are 50-50 it will.
+%
+If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
+the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
+bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
+exceed all expectations.
+ -- Reverend Chichester
+%
+If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
+%
+If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
+will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
+%
+If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
+ -- Art Hoppe
+%
+If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
+something out of you.
+ -- Muhammad Ali
+%
+If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
+%
+If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
+%
+If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
+%
+If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
+yesterday?
+%
+If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
+doing the thinking.
+ -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
+%
+If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
+ -- Laurence J. Peter
+%
+"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
+%
+"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
+%
+If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
+in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
+qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
+ -- Marguerite Emmons
+%
+If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
+ -- Ann Edwards-Duff
+%
+"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
+ -- J. Paul Getty
+%
+If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
+%
+If you can read this, you're too close.
+%
+If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
+%
+If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
+call.
+%
+If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
+%
+If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+ -- Harry S Truman
+%
+If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
+%
+If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
+%
+If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
+ -- Clarence Day
+%
+If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
+ -- Freeman Dyson
+%
+"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
+Lavoris in the toilet."
+ -- Jay Leno
+%
+If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
+either of you for the rest of the day.
+%
+"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
+have to get a toehold in the public eye."
+%
+If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
+will.
+%
+If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
+will always do it.
+ -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
+%
+"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
+make the rubble bounce"
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
+%
+If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
+%
+"If you have to hate, hate gently"
+%
+If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
+boot yourself in the posterior.
+ -- A. J. Liebling
+%
+If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
+%
+If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
+ -- Graham Summer
+%
+If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
+people die past the age of a hundred.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
+really make them think they'll hate you.
+%
+If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
+ -- Maslow
+%
+If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
+can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
+develop.
+%
+If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
+you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
+you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
+ice, but no cup.
+%
+If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
+this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
+somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
+%
+If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
+the sucker.
+%
+If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
+%
+If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
+ Or some joker who is slicker,
+ Will trick you of your liquor,
+If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
+%
+If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
+ -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
+%
+If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
+tomorrow!
+%
+If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
+payments.
+ -- Earl Wilson
+%
+If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
+ -- Arthur Kasspe
+%
+If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
+shopping center in the world?
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
+shopping center in the world?
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
+be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
+you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
+another party next year.
+
+What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
+several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
+been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
+avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
+parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
+having another one ...
+
+If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
+your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
+through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
+that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
+someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
+%
+If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
+end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
+ -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
+%
+"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
+ -- A. L.
+%
+If you want divine justice, die.
+ -- Nick Seldon
+%
+If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
+he gave it to.
+ -- Dorthy Parker
+%
+If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
+Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
+statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
+telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
+titles beginning with the word "National".
+ -- George Will
+%
+If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
+word you say, talk in your sleep.
+%
+"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
+memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
+even if they don't know what it means."
+ -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
+%
+If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
+%
+If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
+tomorrow morning, sleep late.
+ -- Henny Youngman
+%
+If you're happy, you're successful.
+%
+ If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
+around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
+explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
+"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
+deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
+better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
+with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
+you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
+successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
+ And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
+You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
+difficult can it be?"
+ Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
+which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
+other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
+yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
+%
+If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
+%
+"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
+it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
+universe?"
+%
+If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Ignisecond, n.:
+ The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
+door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
+ Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
+Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
+ Et le m^omerade horgrave.
+ -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+Iles's Law:
+ There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
+at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
+Neither will Iles.
+%
+Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
+land He's trying to ignore.
+%
+Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
+ -- Jules de Gaultier
+%
+"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
+usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
+thinks of complaining."
+ -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
+%
+Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
+a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
+storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
+voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
+What's the first question that the computer community asks?
+
+"Is it PC compatible?"
+%
+Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
+ -- Jack Paar
+%
+Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
+ -- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+Impartial, adj.:
+ Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
+espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
+conflicting opinions.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
+mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
+Boss is reading it.
+%
+Impossible, adj.:
+ (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
+(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
+perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
+ -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
+%
+In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
+stairs.
+%
+In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
+waffles.
+%
+In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
+get parts.
+%
+In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
+creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
+%
+In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
+syrup.
+%
+In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
+we can't control when the five year period will begin.
+%
+ In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
+junior, what are you up to?"
+ "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
+rabbit.
+ "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
+ "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
+rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
+expression on his face.
+ Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
+ "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
+devour wolves."
+ "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
+ "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
+out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
+Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
+should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
+next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
+
+The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
+it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
+%
+In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
+Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
+ -- Frank Mankiewicz
+%
+In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
+"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
+with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
+this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
+%
+In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
+sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
+those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
+devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
+as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
+of the risks he takes.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
+In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
+incompetency
+ -- The Peter Principle
+%
+In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
+are to be treated as variables.
+%
+"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
+nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."
+ -- Stuart Keate
+%
+In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
+at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
+%
+In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
+%
+In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
+will be temporarily canceled.
+%
+In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
+make it better.
+%
+In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
+a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
+to get her attention.
+%
+In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
+in any motor vehicle.
+%
+"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
+ -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
+%
+In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
+neighbor.
+%
+In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
+%
+In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
+resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
+inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
+programming languages.
+%
+In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
+the sidewalks when a concert is on.
+%
+In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
+into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
+between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
+will only make it mushy.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
+pocket.
+%
+In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
+pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
+either flying or waiting to board a plane.
+%
+In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
+there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
+flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
+%
+In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
+to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
+speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
+%
+"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
+universe."
+ -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
+%
+In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
+intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
+the cares of office.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
+and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
+%
+In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
+of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
+view."
+%
+In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
+Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
+Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
+We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
+is over six feet in length.
+%
+In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
+%
+In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
+%
+In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
+moving automobile.
+%
+[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
+could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
+that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
+
+And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
+over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
+didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
+point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
+we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
+
+So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
+Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
+___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
+rolled back.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+In the beginning was the word.
+But by the time the second word was added to it,
+there was trouble.
+For with it came syntax ...
+ -- John Simon
+%
+In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat
+hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am
+training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the
+net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any
+preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you
+close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be
+empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
+%
+In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
+the proper order then why can't he?
+%
+In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
+Dead.
+ -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
+%
+In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
+ -- Alan Perlis
+%
+In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
+a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
+to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
+forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
+stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
+punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
+enough to punch you.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
+shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the
+Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
+three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
+from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
+... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
+wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
+fact.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
+drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
+discotheques.
+ -- Art Linkletter
+%
+In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
+my advice.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
+the supervision of a licensed engineer.
+%
+In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
+along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
+%
+Incumbent, n.:
+ Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
+smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
+not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
+ -- Stephen Crane
+%
+Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
+%
+Individualists unite!
+%
+Infancy, n.:
+ The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
+lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
+afterward.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Information Center, n.:
+ A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
+to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
+%
+Ingrate, n.:
+ A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
+indigestion.
+%
+Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
+ -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+Ink, n.:
+ A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
+water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
+intellectual crime.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Innovation is hard to schedule.
+ -- Dan Fylstra
+%
+Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
+%
+Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
+salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
+%
+Interpreter, n.:
+ One who enables two persons of different languages to
+understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
+the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
+%
+ INVENTORY
+Four be the things I am wiser to know:
+Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
+
+Four be the things I'd been better without:
+Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+
+Three be the things I shall never attain:
+Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
+
+Three be the things I shall have till I die:
+Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
+%
+Iron Law of Distribution:
+ Them that has, gets.
+%
+"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
+ -- Douglas Hofstadter
+%
+Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
+meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
+soap bubble?
+%
+Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
+beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
+out, and such as are out wish to get in?
+ -- Ralph Emerson
+%
+Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
+%
+Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
+listen to weather forecasts and economists?
+ -- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
+tellers take economists seriously?
+%
+Issawi's Laws of Progress:
+
+ The Course of Progress:
+ Most things get steadily worse.
+
+ The Path of Progress:
+ A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
+%
+It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
+as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
+had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
+"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
+Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
+came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
+this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
+Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
+To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
+your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
+"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
+%
+It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
+came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
+applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
+think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
+wits, who believe that it is a joke.
+%
+It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
+thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
+drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
+that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
+one can learn."
+ -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
+%
+It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
+been searching for evidence which could support this.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
+%
+It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
+program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
+organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
+self-critical?
+ -- Alan Perlis
+%
+It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
+Urbana, Illinois.
+%
+It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
+not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
+and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
+mature human beings ...
+ -- Playboy, January 1983
+%
+It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
+pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
+sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
+they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
+that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
+much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
+had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
+conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
+intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
+
+Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
+destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
+alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
+misinterpreted ...
+ -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The
+ Galaxy"
+%
+It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
+coming up it.
+ -- Henry Allen
+%
+It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
+One in a million, perhaps.
+%
+It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
+%
+It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
+benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
+to use either.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
+incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
+twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
+ -- Rod Serling
+%
+"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
+lightly greased."
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
+proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
+a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
+treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
+focus of attention, the harder the task.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
+versa.
+%
+It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
+%
+It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
+one.
+%
+It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
+if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
+people.
+ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
+Boulevard at one time.
+%
+It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
+%
+It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
+a tune.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
+ingenious.
+%
+It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
+desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
+offense consists in doubting it.
+ -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
+%
+It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
+problem.
+%
+It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
+privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
+corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
+damn thing over and over.
+ -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
+%
+It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
+ -- Elizabeth Carpenter
+%
+It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
+pit.
+%
+It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
+virginity could be a virtue.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
+dignity.
+%
+It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
+to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
+ -- Havelock Ellis
+%
+It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
+students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
+programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
+regeneration.
+ -- Dijkstra
+%
+It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
+lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
+high as the eagle?
+%
+It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
+statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
+glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
+which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the
+day, that is the highest of arts.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
+%
+It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
+crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
+until the other has gone.
+%
+It is the business of little minds to shrink.
+ -- Carl Sandburg
+%
+It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
+ -- Hawkwind
+%
+It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
+five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
+it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
+%
+It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
+future.
+%
+It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
+%
+It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
+good either if you speak when your head is empty.
+%
+It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
+warning to others.
+%
+"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"
+ -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
+%
+It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
+flag.
+%
+It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
+municipality.
+ -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
+%
+"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
+but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
+ -- Robert Benchly
+%
+It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
+%
+"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
+foot."
+%
+It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
+breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
+broken ...
+ -- James Dent
+%
+"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
+I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
+don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
+the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
+charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
+novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
+yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
+man a lifetime."
+ -- Thomas Aldrich
+%
+ It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
+laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
+thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
+nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
+for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
+ Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
+under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
+icepacks.
+ -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like
+the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
+%
+It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
+the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
+%
+It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
+nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
+examples.
+ -- Charles Dickens
+%
+It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
+warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
+two things still safe to eat.
+ -- Robert Fuoss
+%
+It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
+ -- Andrew Jackson
+%
+"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
+underwear."
+%
+It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
+%
+"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"It's a summons."
+"What's a summons?"
+"It means summon's in trouble."
+ -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
+%
+It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
+ -- Churchy La Femme
+%
+It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
+%
+"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
+ -- Andrew W. Mathis
+%
+It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
+ -- Marty Winch
+%
+"It's easier said than done."
+
+... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
+said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
+said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
+done".
+%
+It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
+%
+It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
+being right.
+%
+"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
+hour!"
+ -- Macy's
+%
+It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
+%
+It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
+is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
+isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
+ -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
+%
+It's just a jump to the left
+ And then a step to the right.
+Put your hands on your hips
+ And pull your knees in tight.
+It's the pelvic thrust
+ That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
+
+ LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
+
+ -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
+%
+"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
+ -- Walt Disney
+%
+"It's Like This"
+
+Even the samurai
+have teddy bears,
+and even the teddy bears
+get drunk.
+%
+It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
+direction.
+%
+"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
+%
+It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
+ -- Sam Goldwyn
+%
+It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
+to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
+ -- Phil White
+%
+"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
+ -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
+%
+It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
+ -- Alexander Korda
+%
+"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
+ -- Cal Keegan
+%
+It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
+what you're taking for it...
+%
+It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
+the ground.
+ -- Daniel B. Luten
+%
+It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
+happens.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
+ -- Garfield
+%
+It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
+English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
+other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
+%
+It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
+%
+It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
+Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
+%
+It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which
+raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
+not to.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+It's the thought, if any, that counts!
+%
+ JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
+ by Mark Isaak
+
+ Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
+character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
+hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
+are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
+BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
+to him.
+ So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
+he met the traveling salesman.
+ "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
+in high-level language.
+ "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
+and Apples," commented Jack.
+ "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
+there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
+ Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
+he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
+started thrashing.
+ "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
+kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
+window ...
+%
+Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
+ No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
+legislature is in session.
+%
+James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
+indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Jenkinson's Law:
+ It won't work.
+%
+Jesus Saves,
+Moses Invests,
+But only Buddha pays Dividends.
+%
+Job Placement, n.:
+ Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
+%
+Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
+%
+Johnson's First Law:
+ When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
+most inconvenient possible time.
+%
+Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called
+"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do
+anything loses.
+%
+Join the march to save individuality!
+%
+Jone's Law:
+ The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
+to blame it on.
+%
+Jone's Motto:
+ Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+%
+Jones's First Law:
+ Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
+endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
+to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
+original contribution.
+%
+Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
+(and nobody cares about it).
+ -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
+%
+Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
+solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires
+one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
+winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
+because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise
+mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
+motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
+whole truth.
+ -- Stephen R. Schwambach
+%
+Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
+changed.
+ -- Irene Peter
+%
+Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
+%
+Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
+knows what it is.
+%
+Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
+get a prompt, type like hell.
+%
+"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
+immune to bullets"
+ -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
+%
+"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
+of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
+ -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
+%
+Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
+twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
+%
+`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
+ As he landed his crew with care;
+Supporting each man on the top of the tide
+ By a finger entwined in his hair.
+
+'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
+ That alone should encourage the crew.
+Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
+ What I tell you three times is true.'
+%
+Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
+faster rat!!!
+%
+Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
+ -- Michael J. Wagner
+%
+Justice is incidental to law and order.
+ -- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+Justice, n.:
+ A decision in your favor.
+%
+K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
+ Cobol's wordy and confining;
+ KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
+ Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
+wear tail lights.
+%
+Katz' Law:
+ Man and nations will act rationally when all other
+possibilities have been exhausted.
+%
+Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
+%
+Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
+ - Hellman's Mayonnaise
+%
+Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
+%
+Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
+%
+Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
+ (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
+ straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
+ force is technically termed "car suck").
+ (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
+ than "Watch this!"
+%
+Keep you Eye on the Ball,
+Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
+Your Nose to the Grindstone,
+Your Feet on the Ground,
+Your Head on your Shoulders.
+Now ... try to get something DONE!
+%
+Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
+automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
+numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
+driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
+dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
+what's wrong."
+%
+Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
+ Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
+and parking for the faculty.
+%
+Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
+travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
+original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
+teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
+grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
+teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
+ Do"
+%
+Kin, n.:
+ An affliction of the blood
+%
+Kinkler's First Law:
+ Responsibility always exceeds authority.
+
+Kinkler's Second Law:
+ All the easy problems have been solved.
+%
+"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
+%
+Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
+any of its streets.
+%
+Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
+%
+Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
+%
+Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
+%
+Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
+%
+Kleptomaniac, n.:
+ A rich thief.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
+%
+Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
+ -- Henry N. Camp
+%
+Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
+ The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Labor, n.:
+ One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Lackland's Laws:
+ (1) Never be first.
+ (2) Never be last.
+ (3) Never volunteer for anything
+%
+Lactomangulation, n.:
+ Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
+that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Ladybug, ladybug,
+Look to your stern!
+Your house is on fire,
+Your children will burn!
+So jump ye and sing, for
+The very first time
+The four lines above
+Have been put into rhyme.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Laetrile is the pits
+%
+Langsam's Laws:
+ (1) Everything depends.
+ (2) Nothing is always.
+ (3) Everything is sometimes.
+%
+Larkinson's Law:
+ All laws are basically false.
+%
+Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
+was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting
+pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
+farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
+sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
+you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
+What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
+of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
+the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
+whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
+Lassie filed the applications for.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
+had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
+my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
+record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
+of humor."
+%
+Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
+%
+Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
+%
+"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
+ -- Victor Borge
+%
+Law of Communications:
+ The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
+between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
+misunderstanding.
+%
+Law of Probable Dispersal:
+ Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
+distributed.
+%
+Law of Selective Gravity:
+ An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
+
+Jenning's Corollary:
+ The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
+directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
+%
+Law of the Perversity of Nature:
+ You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
+bread to butter.
+%
+Laws of Serendipity:
+
+ (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
+ something.
+ (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
+ be engaged in making an inferior one.
+%
+Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
+ No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
+approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
+%
+Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
+%
+Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
+everything else follows in the same way.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
+%
+Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
+fun?
+%
+Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
+ "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
+unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
+drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
+can."
+%
+Leibowitz's Rule:
+ When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
+hold the hammer with both hands.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+ You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
+ pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
+ honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
+ are thieves.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+ Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
+ Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
+ you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
+ fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
+ a sick sense of humor.
+%
+Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
+%
+"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
+number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
+and another number."
+ -- James Estes
+%
+Let us live!!!
+Let us love!!!
+Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
+
+You first.
+%
+Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
+relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
+really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
+end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
+qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and
+bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
+his back."
+ -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
+%
+Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
+your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
+Mental Anguish. You would sue:
+
+* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
+ section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
+ into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
+ in there".
+
+* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
+ cretin like yourself.
+
+* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
+ case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
+ a large cash settlement anyway.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
+overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
+dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
+tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
+spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
+money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
+probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
+It's not his money.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
+
+Dear Sir,
+
+I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
+to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
+public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
+in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
+will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
+agricultural industry.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+ Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
+ Sevenoaks
+%
+Lewis's Law of Travel:
+ The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
+anyone, ever.
+%
+Liar, n.:
+ A lawyer with a roving commission.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
+ -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
+%
+LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
+ Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
+ desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
+ polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
+%
+LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
+ You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
+ reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
+ Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
+ Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
+ disease.
+%
+Lie, n.:
+ A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
+discovered to date.
+%
+Lieberman's Law:
+ Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
+%
+Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
+%
+Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
+%
+"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
+eat it nevertheless."
+ -- Flaubert
+%
+"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
+%
+Life is like a simile.
+%
+Life is like an analogy
+%
+Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
+there is nothing in it.
+%
+"Life is too important to take seriously."
+ -- Corky Siegel
+%
+"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
+which I disapprove."
+%
+"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
+ -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
+%
+"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
+weren't for other people"
+ -- Blore
+%
+Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
+%
+"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
+ -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
+sense from things she found in gift shops.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
+for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
+ -- Alan McKay
+%
+Limericks are art forms complex,
+Their topics run chiefly to sex.
+ They usually have virgins,
+ And masculine urgin's,
+And other erotic effects.
+%
+Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
+%
+Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
+ we should think only about today.
+Charlie Brown:
+ No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
+ better.
+%
+Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
+ -- Candice Bergen
+%
+Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
+around the Sun.
+%
+Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
+before.
+%
+Lizzie Borden took an axe,
+And plunged it deep into the VAX;
+Don't you envy people who
+Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
+%
+Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
+interest rates, we don't need it."
+%
+Lobster:
+ Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
+squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
+only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to
+eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
+before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most
+ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
+in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
+unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
+the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
+"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
+memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe
+at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot.
+Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
+too.
+ -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils
+ into Excuses and Apologies"
+%
+Lockwood's Long Shot:
+ The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
+one in a million, but once would be enough.
+%
+Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
+%
+... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
+legally ... impeccable!
+%
+Logicians have but ill defined
+As rational the human kind.
+Logic, they say, belongs to man,
+But let them prove it if they can.
+ -- Oliver Goldsmith
+%
+Look out! Behind you!
+%
+Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
+to pay income taxes, too?
+ -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
+%
+Loose bits sink chips.
+%
+Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
+BOOGA!"
+%
+Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
+%
+Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
+Halstead, Kansas.
+%
+Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
+%
+Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
+%
+Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
+world has ever seen.
+%
+Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
+ -- Sigmund Freud
+%
+"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
+flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
+ -- Matt Groening
+%
+Love is a word that is constantly heard,
+Hate is a word that is not.
+Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
+Love, I have read, is hot.
+But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
+And Love but a drug on the mart.
+Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
+But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
+the ideal never goes unpunished."
+ -- Goethe
+%
+Love is sentimental measles.
+%
+Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
+%
+Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
+ -- Louise Beal
+%
+Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
+to.
+%
+ Love's Drug
+
+My love is like an iron wand
+ That conks me on the head,
+My love is like the valium
+ That I take before my bed,
+My love is like the pint of scotch
+ That I drink when I be dry;
+And I shall love thee still, my dear,
+ Until my wife is wise.
+%
+Lowery's Law:
+ If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
+anyway.
+%
+LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
+%
+Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
+ There's always one more bug.
+%
+Lunatic Asylum, n.:
+ The place where optimism most flourishes.
+%
+Lysistrata had a good idea.
+%
+"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
+the smallest amount of thoughts."
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Machine-Independent, adj.:
+ Does not run on any existing machine.
+%
+Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
+and play games -- but not with pleasure.
+ -- Leo Rosten
+%
+Mad, adj.:
+ Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
+first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+MAFIA, n:
+ [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
+Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
+subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
+rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
+reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
+operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
+MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
+variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
+security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
+more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
+imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
+options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
+Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
+powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
+entire nodal aggravations.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
+
+Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
+
+The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
+of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
+with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
+knowledge.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Magnocartic, adj.:
+ Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
+carts.
+ -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
+%
+Magpie, n.:
+ A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
+might be taught to talk.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Maier's Law:
+ If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
+ of.
+
+Corollaries:
+ (1) The bigger the theory, the better.
+ (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
+ 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
+ obtain a correspondence with the theory.
+%
+Main's Law:
+ For every action there is an equal and opposite government
+program.
+%
+Maintainer's Motto:
+ If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
+%
+Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
+ as one man.
+
+Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
+
+Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Majority, n.:
+ That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
+%
+Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
+%
+Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
+tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
+has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
+the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
+ -- System V.2 administrator's guide
+%
+Malek's Law:
+ Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
+%
+Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
+ joke is.
+
+Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
+
+Man 1: ______TIMING!
+%
+"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
+upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
+only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
+victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
+victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
+ -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
+%
+Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
+is an enemy.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Man, n.:
+ An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
+e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief
+occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,
+however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole
+habitable earth and Canada.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
+Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
+ don't think, right?"
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
+Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
+dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
+man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
+air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
+primitive umpire.
+
+What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
+mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+Manual, n.:
+ A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
+given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
+information you need in in the others.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
+there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
+was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
+completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
+ Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
+simple yes or no answer.
+%
+Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
+the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
+dancing.
+ -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
+%
+Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
+ -- Malcolm Smith
+%
+Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
+ -- R. Drabek
+%
+Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
+translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
+entirely different.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
+described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
+play.
+ -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
+ James Blish
+%
+"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
+%
+Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
+receipt.
+%
+Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
+ -- Jules Feiffer
+%
+May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
+%
+May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
+%
+May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
+%
+May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
+Thousand Caramels.
+%
+Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
+ -- R. S. Barton
+%
+Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
+it.
+%
+McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
+ If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
+$19.95.
+%
+Meader's Law:
+ Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
+everyone you know, only more so.
+%
+Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
+%
+Meeting, n.:
+ An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
+department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
+%
+Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
+from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
+Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
+had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
+ -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
+%
+Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
+it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
+very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
+tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
+ [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
+ world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
+ next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
+... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
+cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
+billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
+more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
+fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
+older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
+obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
+window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
+hotshot cells moving up from below.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
+ The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
+ The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
+cork makes when it is popped.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
+ All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
+ Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
+is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
+never hope to acquire it.
+%
+Menu, n.:
+ A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
+%
+Meskimen's Law:
+ There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
+do it over.
+%
+MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
+%
+Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
+%
+methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
+ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
+phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
+taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
+glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
+nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
+minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
+cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
+leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
+cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
+lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
+sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
+cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
+nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
+nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
+partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
+glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
+valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
+cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
+nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
+rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
+glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
+sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
+lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
+glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
+ The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
+ 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
+ -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
+%
+Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
+%
+Micro Credo:
+ Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
+%
+"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
+watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
+%
+"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
+out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
+%
+Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
+Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
+ inconsiderate."
+ -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
+%
+Miksch's Law:
+ If a string has one end, then it has another end.
+%
+Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Millihelen, adj:
+ The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
+%
+Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
+themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
+ -- Susan Ertz
+%
+Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
+politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
+and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
+are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
+rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
+the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
+Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
+Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
+Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
+black.
+ -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
+%
+Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
+is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
+myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
+the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
+unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
+will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
+dead as a door-nail.
+%
+Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
+%
+Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
+pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
+%
+Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
+%
+Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+Misfortune, n.:
+ The kind of fortune that never misses.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Miss, n.:
+ A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
+they are in the market.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
+%
+Mitchell's Law of Committees:
+ Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
+held to discuss it.
+%
+MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
+
+ Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
+2 cups water 2 cups sugar
+2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
+ Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
+ Cinnamon
+
+Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
+RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
+and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
+juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
+with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
+crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
+steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
+is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
+ -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
+%
+Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
+%
+Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked
+him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
+last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
+better.
+%
+Molecule, n.:
+ The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
+from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
+closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
+matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
+atom in that it is an ion ...
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
+ If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
+it wasn't worth doing.
+%
+Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
+%
+Monday, n.:
+ In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
+%
+Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
+%
+Money is the root of all wealth.
+%
+Moon, n.:
+ 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
+hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
+%
+Mophobia, n.:
+ Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
+%
+ MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
+The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
+Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
+the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
+Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
+paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
+took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
+their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
+said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
+fight and the match was called by officials.
+%
+More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
+path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
+extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
+ Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
+be out of a job.
+%
+Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
+because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
+and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
+eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
+and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
+female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
+dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
+by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
+truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
+them that it doesn't make any difference.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+ Teen Should Know"
+%
+Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
+than they do.
+ -- Turgenev
+%
+Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
+ -- Arnold Bennett
+%
+Mother is the invention of necessity.
+%
+Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
+%
+Mr. Cole's Axiom:
+ The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
+population is growing.
+%
+"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
+"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old
+Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
+pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
+in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
+in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
+133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic
+computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
+fun to watch.
+ -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
+%
+Murphy's Discovery:
+ Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
+women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
+will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
+trouble!
+%
+Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
+work.
+%
+Murphy's Law of Research:
+ Enough research will tend to support your theory.
+%
+"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+ Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
+Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
+pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
+military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
+Esther and hustle them off to prison.
+ They can't prove who they are because they've left their
+passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
+and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
+movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
+charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
+ The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
+they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
+if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
+her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
+possible, and turns to Murray.
+ "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
+spits in the sergeants face.
+ "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Mustgo, n.:
+ Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
+long it has become a science project.
+ -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
+%
+"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on
+it."
+ -- "Grendel", by John Gardner
+%
+My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
+threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
+First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
+frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
+the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
+forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
+perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
+the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
+crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
+symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
+in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
+really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
+OK.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
+%
+"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless
+there are three other people."
+ -- Orson Welles
+%
+My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
+times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
+sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
+through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
+listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
+log out again.
+%
+"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
+ -- MadameX
+%
+My love runs by like a day in June,
+ And he makes no friends of sorrows.
+He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
+ In the pathway or the morrows.
+He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
+ Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
+My own dear love, he is all my heart --
+ And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
+ And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
+The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
+ And the skies are sunlit for him.
+As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
+ As the fragrance of acacia.
+My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
+ And I wish he were in Asia.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
+one.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
+%
+My own dear love, he is strong and bold
+ And he cares not what comes after.
+His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
+ And his eyes are lit with laughter.
+He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
+ Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
+My own dear love, he is all my world --
+ And I wish I'd never met him.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!
+%
+"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+My pen is at the bottom of a page,
+Which, being finished, here the story ends;
+'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
+But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
+ -- Byron
+%
+My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
+signed.
+ -- Christopher Morley
+%
+"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
+%
+Mythology, n.:
+ The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
+origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
+from the true accounts which it invents later.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+ n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
+ n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
+ n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
+ n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
+ n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
+
+ -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
+%
+Naeser's Law:
+ You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
+damnfoolproof.
+%
+NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
+ says is wrong.
+GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
+ will be right.
+ -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
+%
+Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
+said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
+time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone
+might steal it."
+%
+Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
+villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time,"
+said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the
+villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The
+remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he
+said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of
+my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
+spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
+serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk
+into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"
+"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
+than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
+light more."
+%
+Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
+pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
+meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
+"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
+the recipe?"
+%
+Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
+conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
+fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
+is most likely to be creamed?
+ -- Solomon Short
+%
+Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
+God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
+
+It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
+Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
+%
+Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
+cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
+ -- Fran Leibowitz
+%
+Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
+character, give him power.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+Necessity is a mother.
+%
+Neckties strangle clear thinking.
+ -- Lin Yutang
+%
+Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
+%
+Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
+%
+Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
+%
+Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
+%
+Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
+%
+Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
+with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
+change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
+fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
+have windows.
+%
+Never eat more than you can lift.
+ -- Miss Piggy
+%
+Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
+%
+Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
+%
+Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
+ -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
+%
+Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
+make it complex and wonderful.
+%
+Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
+substance.
+ -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
+%
+Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
+%
+Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
+law against it by that time.
+%
+Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
+%
+Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
+%
+Never try to outstubborn a cat.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
+ -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
+%
+"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
+%
+Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
+supposed to do.
+ -- R. A. Heinlein
+%
+New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
+%
+New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
+any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
+%
+New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
+Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
+%
+New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
+ -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
+%
+New systems generate new problems.
+%
+New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
+his wife most often reminds him to act it.
+ -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
+%
+New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
+%
+New York's got the ways and means;
+Just won't let you be.
+ -- The Grateful Dead
+%
+Newlan's Truism:
+ An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
+economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
+%
+NEWS FLASH!!
+ Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
+ German pole-vault champion.
+%
+ *** NEWSFLASH ***
+Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
+%
+Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
+%
+Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
+ A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
+%
+Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
+have a lucky day this year.
+%
+Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
+as an income tax refund.
+ -- F. J. Raymond
+%
+"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
+ -- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+Nihilism should commence with oneself.
+%
+Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
+correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
+(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
+Americans call him by value.
+%
+Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
+Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
+Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
+Three megs for system source;
+
+One disk to rule them all,
+One disk to bind them,
+One disk to hold the files
+And in the darkness grind 'em.
+%
+Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
+ And tapes without any tracks;
+Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
+ And tapes mixed up on the racks --
+ Take hold of the tape
+ And pull off the strip,
+ And then you'll be sure
+ Your tape drive will skip.
+
+ -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
+would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
+that much."
+ -- Augustine
+%
+Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
+ The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
+the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
+%
+"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends
+hang out.
+ -- Zonker Harris
+%
+No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
+absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
+camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
+effectively under such difficult conditions.
+ -- Laurence J. Peter
+%
+No good deed goes unpunished.
+ -- Clare Boothe Luce
+%
+No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
+eating one peanut.
+ -- Channing Pollock
+%
+No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
+%
+No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
+seriously cramp his style.
+%
+No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
+immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
+%
+No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
+ -- Eleanor Roosevelt
+%
+"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
+%
+No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
+system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
+the author.
+ -- Chris Shaw
+%
+No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
+He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
+Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
+And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
+CHORUS:
+ Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+ And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+ Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+ And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
+And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
+All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
+But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
+ (chorus)
+Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
+The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
+A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
+But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
+ (chorus)
+%
+No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
+%
+No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
+%
+"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
+occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
+indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
+occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
+an indication-applied occurrence."
+ -- ALGOL 68 Report
+%
+"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
+paper."
+ -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
+ taken over by Rupert Murdoch
+%
+ No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
+the furniture!
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
+Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
+it.
+ -- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
+%
+Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
+%
+Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
+order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
+substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
+and rob the old.
+ -- Lewis Lapham
+%
+Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
+constructive praise.
+%
+Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
+ Negative expectations yield negative results.
+ Positive expectations yield negative results.
+%
+Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
+%
+Noncombatant, n.:
+ A dead Quaker.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
+%
+"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
+%
+Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
+Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
+in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
+moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
+dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
+respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
+it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
+then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
+chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
+ -- Shakespeare
+%
+"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
+is from the wrong kind of tree."
+ -- Professor W.
+%
+Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
+of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
+is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
+unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
+careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
+%
+Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
+%
+Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
+
+To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
+light comes on.
+%
+Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
+ -- Andrew Young
+%
+Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
+tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
+ -- Nero Wolfe
+%
+Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
+Conscience makes egotists of us all.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Nothing recedes like success.
+ -- Walter Winchell
+%
+Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
+love.
+ -- Charlie Brown
+%
+November, n.:
+ The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
+%
+Now I lay me down to sleep
+I pray the double lock will keep;
+May no brick through the window break,
+And, no one rob me till I awake.
+%
+"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
+time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
+to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
+eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
+the following questions:
+
+(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
+ food?
+(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
+ exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
+(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
+ prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
+ double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living
+ right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
+ longer.)
+
+That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
+%
+"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
+Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
+were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
+ -- "The Begatting of a President"
+%
+"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
+smurfette."
+ -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
+%
+... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
+get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
+the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
+on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
+children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
+snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
+to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
+a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
+outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
+he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
+Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
+Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
+kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
+children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
+quickly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+ Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
+tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
+ Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
+plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
+they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
+Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
+administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
+you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
+described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
+interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
+that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
+ This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
+inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
+so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
+if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
+direct sunlight.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
+ -- Karl Lehenbauer
+%
+"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
+normal routines, for children and adults alike."
+ -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
+%
+"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
+ -- Ted Turner
+%
+[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
+ -- Edwin Meese III
+%
+Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
+%
+(null cookie; hope that's ok)
+%
+Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
+guessing.
+%
+O give me a home,
+Where the buffalo roam,
+Where the deer and the antelope play,
+Where seldom is heard
+A discouraging word,
+'Cause what can an antelope say?
+%
+O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
+ Murphy was an optimist.
+%
+"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
+fake?"
+%
+Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
+reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
+amount of hot air.
+ -- Thomas L. Martin
+%
+Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
+ -- Plato
+%
+Of all the words of witch's doom
+There's none so bad as which and whom.
+The man who kills both which and whom
+Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
+ -- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
+tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."
+ -- Crazy Nigel
+%
+Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
+%
+Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
+And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
+blazer.
+%
+Office Automation, n.:
+ The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
+you would want to talk with over coffee.
+%
+Ogden's Law:
+ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
+up.
+%
+Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
+%
+Oh don't the days seem lank and long
+ When all goes right and none goes wrong,
+And isn't your life extremely flat
+ With nothing whatever to grumble at!
+%
+Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+ I muck with indices and structs all day
+And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
+ Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+%
+Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
+be irresponsible, too.
+ -- Lichty & Wagner
+%
+Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
+And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
+Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
+Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
+You have not dreamed of --
+Wheeled and soared and swung
+High in the sunlit silence.
+Hovering there
+I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
+My eager craft through footless halls of air.
+Up, up along delirious, burning blue
+I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
+Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
+And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
+The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
+Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
+ -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
+%
+Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
+%
+Oh, when I was in love with you,
+ Then I was clean and brave,
+And miles around the wonder grew
+ How well did I behave.
+
+And now the fancy passes by,
+ And nothing will remain,
+And miles around they'll say that I
+ Am quite myself again.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
+%
+"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
+ -- Dr. Joy
+%
+OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
+%
+Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
+ -- Trotsky
+%
+Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
+%
+Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
+%
+Oliver's Law:
+ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
+it.
+%
+Omnibiblious, adj.:
+ Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything.
+I'm omnibiblious."
+%
+OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
+JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
+as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
+WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
+%
+On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
+
+"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
+ -- Wolfgang Pauli
+%
+On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
+nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
+what it does.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+ On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
+receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
+income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
+$283 on the desk before the cashier.
+ "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
+route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
+ "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
+business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
+worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
+%
+On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
+created jerks.
+ -- Avery
+%
+On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
+created jerks.
+ -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
+POINT ...
+%
+On the subject of C program indentation:
+
+ "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
+ indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
+ -- Blair P. Houghton
+%
+"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
+Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
+answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
+confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
+ -- Charles Babbage
+%
+On-line, adj.:
+ The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
+computer.
+%
+Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
+forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
+ -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
+%
+Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
+each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
+choice.
+
+In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
+called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
+and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
+passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
+Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
+Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
+Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
+principals or your mistress".
+%
+Once Law was sitting on the bench
+ And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
+"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
+ Nor come before me creeping.
+Upon you knees if you appear,
+'Tis plain you have no standing here."
+
+Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
+ "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
+"Amica curiae," she replied --
+ "Friend of the court, so please you."
+"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
+I never saw your face before!"
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
+beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
+side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
+which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
+sky.
+ -- Rainer Rilke
+%
+ Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
+great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
+the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
+life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
+one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
+going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
+shall die of boredom."
+ The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
+current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
+rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
+ But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
+and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
+Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
+lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
+ And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
+"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
+Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
+said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
+free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
+adventure.
+ But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
+the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
+%
+Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
+us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
+the smaller prime numbers.
+
+2: The Odd Prime --
+ It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
+3: The True Prime --
+ Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
+31: The Arbitrary Prime --
+ Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
+ in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
+ received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
+ next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
+ at all.
+
+Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
+derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
+true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
+%
+... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
+with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
+shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
+advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
+shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
+them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Once, adv.:
+ Enough.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
+somebody's listening.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
+
+Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
+The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
+ -- Chuq Von Rospach
+%
+One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
+%
+One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
+how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
+ -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
+%
+One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
+the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
+announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
+a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The
+captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth
+-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin,
+"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if
+I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
+"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
+%
+One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
+when well oiled.
+%
+One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
+never have to stop and answer the phone.
+%
+One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
+ -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
+%
+One learns to itch where one can scratch.
+ -- Ernest Bramah
+%
+One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
+one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
+produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
+represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
+many ...
+ -- Anthony Chevins
+%
+One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
+%
+One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
+will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
+I'll tell you."
+%
+One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
+%
+One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
+from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at
+least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts
+are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but
+when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
+ -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
+%
+One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
+do and always a clever thing to say.
+ -- Will Durant
+%
+"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
+lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
+their C programs."
+ -- Robert Firth
+%
+One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
+create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
+retail."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
+enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
+ Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
+years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
+Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
+language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
+students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
+interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
+its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
+VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
+ It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
+run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
+will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
+ With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
+quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
+VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
+documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
+difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
+is that it's all there.
+ -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
+%
+One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
+seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
+way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
+fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
+disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
+%
+The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
+ Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
+fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
+other ways.
+%
+The First Commandment for Technicians:
+ Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
+capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
+untechnician-like manner.
+%
+One Page Principle:
+ A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
+paper cannot be understood.
+ -- Mark Ardis
+%
+"One planet is all you get."
+%
+One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
+manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
+they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
+say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
+study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
+sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
+strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
+rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
+be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
+Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
+Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
+millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
+support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
+your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
+of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
+already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
+ -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
+%
+One reason why George Washington
+Is held in such veneration:
+He never blamed his problems
+On the former Administration.
+ -- George O. Ludcke
+%
+One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
+%
+One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
+paint.
+%
+"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
+sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
+sheer terror."
+ -- W. K. Hartmann
+%
+One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
+new model.
+%
+One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
+%
+One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
+at the stake while the votes were being counted.
+ -- Thomas B. Reed
+%
+One-Shot Case Study, n.:
+ The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
+it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
+green.
+%
+Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
+%
+Only God can make random selections.
+%
+Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
+use the editorial "we."
+%
+Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
+%
+Optimization hinders evolution.
+%
+Optimization hinders evolution.
+%
+Oregano, n.:
+ The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
+%
+Oregon, n.:
+ Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
+night.
+%
+Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
+is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
+ -- Mike Adams
+%
+Osborn's Law:
+ Variables won't; constants aren't.
+%
+Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
+nails.
+%
+Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
+they charge fifteen cents for them.
+%
+Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
+office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
+were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
+juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop.
+
+He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
+
+Her reply:
+
+ "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
+ means to be a programmer."
+%
+Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
+ Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
+ In kernel as it is in user!
+%
+Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
+ -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
+%
+... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
+Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
+thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
+somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
+on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
+a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
+ -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
+%
+"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
+ -- Alex Schure
+%
+"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
+ -- Alex Schure
+%
+Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
+ -- General Omar N. Bradley
+%
+ OUTCONERR
+Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
+ Did logzerneg the ifthen block
+All kludgy were the function flows
+ And subroutines adhoc.
+
+Beware the runtime-bug my friend
+ squrooneg, the false goto
+Beware the infiniteloop
+ And shun the inprectoo.
+%
+"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
+it's too dark to read."
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
+I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
+%
+Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
+%
+Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
+%
+Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
+%
+Ozman's Laws:
+ (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
+ won't.
+ (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
+ make.
+ (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
+ (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
+%
+Painting, n.:
+ The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
+exposing them to the critic.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+panic: can't find /
+%
+panic: kernel trap (ignored)
+%
+Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
+better.
+ -- Laurie Anderson
+%
+Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
+%
+Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
+%
+Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
+%
+Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
+criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
+ -- D. J. Hicks
+%
+Pardo's First Postulate:
+ Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
+fattening.
+
+Arnold's Addendum:
+ Everything else causes cancer in rats.
+%
+Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
+%
+Parker's Law:
+ Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
+%
+Parkinson's Fifth Law:
+ If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
+bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
+%
+Parkinson's Fourth Law:
+ The number of people in any working group tends to increase
+regardless of the amount of work to be done.
+%
+Parsley
+ is gharsley.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
+%
+"Pascal is not a high-level language."
+ -- Steven Feiner
+%
+"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
+ -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
+%
+Pascal Users:
+ To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
+death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
+%
+Pascal, n.:
+ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
+his grave if he knew about it.
+%
+Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
+ -- Eric Hoffer
+%
+Patageometry, n.:
+ The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
+under brain transplants.
+%
+Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
+%
+Paul's Law:
+ In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
+save.
+%
+Paul's Law:
+ You can't fall off the floor.
+%
+Peace, n.:
+ In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
+periods of fighting.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Peanut Blossoms
+
+4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
+4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
+4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
+8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
+4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
+
+Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
+sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
+Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
+hell of a lot.
+%
+Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
+ Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
+it.
+%
+Pedaeration, n.:
+ The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
+sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Penguin Trivia #46:
+ Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
+ -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
+%
+People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
+ -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
+the future.
+%
+"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."
+ -- Ken Kesey
+%
+People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
+%
+People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
+press than people who are just funny and smart.
+ -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
+%
+People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
+slept in a room with a single mosquito.
+%
+People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
+haven't what they want that they don't want it.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
+Benjamin Franklin said it first.
+%
+People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
+%
+People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
+did yesterday.
+%
+Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
+"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
+ -- Aelius Donatus
+%
+Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
+%
+Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
+when there is no longer anything to take away.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
+%
+Peter's Law of Substitution:
+ Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
+themselves.
+%
+Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
+exciting Camden, New Jersey.
+%
+Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
+%
+Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
+ -- John Keats
+%
+Pick another fortune cookie.
+%
+"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
+hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
+sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
+%
+Pig, n.:
+ An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
+by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
+inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
+ You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
+followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
+associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack
+confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
+things to small animals.
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
+ Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
+American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
+nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
+probably get run over by a bus.
+%
+ Pittsburgh Driver's Test
+
+(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
+ but a steady left tail light. This means
+
+ (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
+ to call the problem to the driver's attention.
+ (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
+ (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
+ (d) the driver is from out of town.
+
+The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
+countries to signal turns.
+%
+ Pittsburgh Driver's Test
+
+(8) Pedestrians are
+
+ (a) irrelevant.
+ (b) communists.
+ (c) a nuisance.
+ (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
+
+The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
+totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
+%
+Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
+solution set.
+ -- E. W. Dijkstra
+%
+"Plaese porrf raed."
+ -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
+%
+Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
+because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
+couldn't compete successfully with poets.
+ -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
+ Shell"
+%
+Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
+them.
+%
+Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
+table.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
+%
+Please ignore previous fortune.
+%
+Please take note:
+%
+Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
+until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched
+out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
+and such.
+ -- N. Meyrowitz
+%
+Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
+%
+ Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
+requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
+into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
+problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
+radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
+plumbing works.
+ A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
+except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
+it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
+and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
+all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
+kill you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+PLUNDERER'S THEME
+(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
+
+Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
+If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
+Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
+Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
+%
+Pohl's law:
+ Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
+%
+Police: Good evening, are you the host?
+Host: No.
+Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
+Host: About the drugs?
+Police: No.
+Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
+Police: No, the noise.
+Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
+ or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
+ background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
+ The neighbors?
+Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
+ complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
+ ask the host to quiet things down?
+Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
+ religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
+ room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
+ lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
+ onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
+ down.
+%
+Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
+all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
+%
+Politician, n.:
+ An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
+organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
+agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
+with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Politician, n.:
+ From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
+"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
+"polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
+ -- Martin Pitt
+%
+Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
+where there is no river.
+ -- Nikita Khrushchev
+%
+Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
+to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
+%
+Polymer physicists are into chains.
+%
+Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
+Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
+white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
+it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
+name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
+laughter, singing
+ Half a pound of tuppenny rice
+ Half a pound of treacle
+ That's the way the chimney smokes
+ Pope Goestheveezl
+The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
+laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
+hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
+Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Portable, adj.:
+ Survives system reboot.
+%
+Positive, adj.:
+ Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
+%
+"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat"
+ -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
+%
+Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
+%
+Power, n:
+ The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
+%
+Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
+more time for dreaming.
+ -- J. P. McEvoy
+%
+Predestination was doomed from the start.
+%
+President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
+forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
+%
+President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
+vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
+ -- The Washington Post
+%
+Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
+%
+Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
+ It's on the other side.
+%
+[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
+to see him work.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
+%
+Probable-Possible, my black hen,
+She lays eggs in the Relative When.
+She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
+Because she's unable to postulate how.
+ -- Frederick Winsor
+%
+Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
+orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
+is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+ Teen Should Know"
+%
+Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
+ encryption standard and they came up with ...
+Student: EBCDIC!"
+%
+Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
+Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on
+his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's
+earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
+%
+Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
+
+This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction
+techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
+
+SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
+
+ We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
+for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
+as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
+trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We
+can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
+about _n.
+ QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
+%
+Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
+ SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
+(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
+(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
+(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
+ legs for a horse.
+(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
+(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
+
+Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
+ Intimidation
+ Gesticulation (handwaving)
+ "Try it; it works"
+ Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
+ Blatant assertion
+ Changing all the 2's to _n's
+ Mutual consent
+ Lack of a counterexample, and
+ "It stands to reason"
+%
+Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
+
+BBW Branch Both Ways
+BEW Branch Either Way
+BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
+BH Branch and Hang
+BMR Branch Multiple Registers
+BOB Branch On Bug
+BPO Branch on Power Off
+BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
+CDS Condense and Destroy System
+CLBR Clobber Register
+CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
+CM Circulate Memory
+CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
+CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
+CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
+%
+Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
+
+DC Divide and Conquer
+DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
+DO Divide and Overflow
+EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
+EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
+EROS Erase Read Only Storage
+EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
+HCF Halt and Catch Fire
+IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
+INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
+PBC Print and Break Chain
+PDSK Punch Disk
+%
+Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
+
+PI Punch Invalid
+POPI Punch Operator Immediately
+PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
+RASC Read And Shred Card
+RPM Read Programmers Mind
+RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
+RTAB Rewind tape and break
+RWDSK rewind disk
+RWOC Read Writing On Card
+SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
+SLC Search for Lost Chord
+SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
+SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
+STROM Store in Read Only Memory
+TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
+WBT Water Binary Tree
+%
+"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
+than the both put together."
+%
+Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
+three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
+%
+Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
+anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
+to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
+to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
+cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
+fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
+lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
+the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
+%
+Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
+%
+Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
+%
+Put no trust in cryptic comments.
+%
+Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
+ -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
+%
+Putt's Law:
+ Technology is dominated by two types of people:
+ Those who understand what they do not manage.
+ Those who manage what they do not understand.
+%
+Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
+A: One per person.
+%
+Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
+A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
+%
+Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
+A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+%
+Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
+A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+
+Q: How long does it take?
+A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
+ brought with them.
+
+Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
+A: They replace your generator.
+%
+Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
+ itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
+ reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
+ maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
+%
+Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
+ in San Francisco?
+A: Both of them.
+%
+Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
+A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
+%
+Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
+A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
+%
+Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
+ Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
+ the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
+ of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
+ of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
+%
+Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
+ light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
+ plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
+ prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
+ assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
+%
+Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: One and a half.
+%
+Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
+ to the earlier joke.
+%
+Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
+ Californians trying to share the experience.
+%
+Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
+ with brightly colored machine tools.
+%
+Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
+ of the way.
+%
+Q: What's a light-year?
+A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
+%
+Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
+A: Because it was on the other side.
+%
+Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
+A: To stamp out forest fires.
+
+Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
+A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
+%
+Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
+A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
+%
+Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
+ should I do?
+
+A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
+ believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
+ the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
+ time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
+ somebody else has made the correction.
+
+ And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
+ the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
+ to inform the whole net right away!
+
+ -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
+ on Netiquette"
+%
+Quality Control, n.:
+ The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
+a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
+%
+Question:
+Man Invented Alcohol,
+God Invented Grass.
+Who do you trust?
+%
+Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
+%
+Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
+%
+Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
+
+(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
+%
+Quigley's Law:
+ Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
+atttempt to use it.
+%
+QUOTE OF THE DAY:
+
+ `
+
+%
+"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
+%
+QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
+ 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
+kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
+thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
+painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
+person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
+ -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
+%
+Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
+%
+Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
+I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
+computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
+store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
+all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all
+the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are
+they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current
+rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
+Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be
+impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying
+goes, giving away the store?
+ -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
+%
+Ray's Rule of Precision:
+ Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
+%
+Razors pain you;
+Rivers are damp;
+Acids stain you;
+And drugs cause cramp.
+Guns aren't lawful;
+Nooses give;
+Gas smells awful;
+You might as well live.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
+the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
+with pictures.
+%
+Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
+Congress. But I repeat myself.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
+value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
+much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
+this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
+%
+Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
+has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
+machines are so poor at I/O.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
+so long they can't afford the disk space.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
+in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker
+with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
+hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
+applications.)
+%
+Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
+on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
+sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
+%
+Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
+programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
+trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
+clear desks.
+%
+Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
+doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
+quiche.
+%
+Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
+should be hard to understand.
+%
+Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
+illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
+much good it did them.
+%
+Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
+you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
+wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
+spring up in the middle of the machine room.
+%
+Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
+in BASIC after reaching puberty.
+%
+Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
+freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
+wear white socks.
+%
+Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
+can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
+%
+Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
+%
+Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
+functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
+%
+Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
+This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
+computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
+%
+Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
+greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
+moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
+systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal
+computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
+DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
+Correctness Verification Aid packages.
+%
+Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
+job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
+using an undocumented external procedure.
+%
+Real Time, adj.:
+ Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
+and then.
+%
+Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
+afraid to break your face.
+%
+Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
+down the system for days.
+%
+Real Users hate Real Programmers.
+%
+Real Users know your home telephone number.
+%
+Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
+program doesn't deliver it.
+%
+Real Users never use the Help key.
+%
+Real World, The n.:
+ 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
+be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
+programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
+to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
+tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
+The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
+"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
+pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
+of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
+deceased person.
+%
+Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
+%
+Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
+%
+Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
+ -- Patrick Sky
+%
+Reality is for people who lack imagination.
+%
+Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
+%
+Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
+ -- Alvy Ray Smith
+%
+"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
+away".
+ -- Philip K. Dick
+%
+"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
+%
+Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
+being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
+ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
+lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
+but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
+Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
+recessions.
+%
+Reclaimer, spare that tree!
+Take not a single bit!
+It used to point to me,
+Now I'm protecting it.
+It was the reader's CONS
+That made it, paired by dot;
+Now, GC, for the nonce,
+Thou shalt reclaim it not.
+%
+ "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
+Candy
+Is dandy
+But liquor
+Is quicker.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
+again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
+which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
+spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
+starfield surrounding the ship.
+
+"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
+announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they
+are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been
+intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
+transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
+Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
+ -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
+%
+Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
+ If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
+%
+Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
+it."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
+worse in Cleveland.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
+offense!
+%
+Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
+%
+Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+%
+Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+ -- Dave Butler
+%
+Renning's Maxim:
+ Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
+%
+Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
+ Civilization?
+Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
+%
+Reporter, n.:
+ A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
+tempest of words.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
+
+SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
+the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
+carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
+I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
+of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
+do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
+ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
+need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
+career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
+that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
+can't help it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
+%
+Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
+another chance later on.
+%
+Review Questions
+
+(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
+ and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
+ he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
+ Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
+
+(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
+ twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
+ every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
+ his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
+
+(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
+ the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
+ pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
+ Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
+%
+Rhode's Law:
+ When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
+circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
+empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
+induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
+for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
+material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
+none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
+proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
+universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
+becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
+%
+"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
+ Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
+ reject the proposal.
+%
+Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
+ Pogo"
+%
+ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
+MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
+ door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
+%
+Rudin's Law:
+ If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
+every time.
+%
+Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
+ Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
+be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
+shall be deemed to be a cat.
+%
+Rule of Creative Research:
+ (1) Never draw what you can copy.
+ (2) Never copy what you can trace.
+ (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+%
+Rule of Defactualization:
+ Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
+%
+Rule of Feline Frustration:
+ When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
+content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
+%
+Rule of the Great:
+ When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
+thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
+%
+Rules for Academic Deans:
+ (1) HIDE!!!!
+ (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
+ -- Father Damian C. Fandal
+%
+Rules for driving in New York:
+ (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
+ (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
+ on.
+ (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
+ intersection.
+%
+RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
+ (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
+ (2) Never leave the table hungry.
+ (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
+ (4) Enjoy your food.
+ (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
+ (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
+ accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
+ (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
+ for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
+ brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
+ (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
+ (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
+ can always eat it later.
+ (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
+ (11) Avoid blue food.
+ -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
+%
+Rules:
+ (1) The boss is always right.
+ (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
+%
+ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+ Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
+
+(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
+ ants.
+(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
+(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
+(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
+(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
+(6) People ignore you at parties.
+(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
+(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
+%
+ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
+ bomb; use the stairs.
+(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
+ the ground.
+(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
+(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
+ psychological problems.
+(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
+ recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
+ potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
+(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
+ will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
+(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
+(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
+ staggering illegally.
+(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
+ sanitary due to limited circulation.
+(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
+ D-Day.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
+ You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
+ tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
+ of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
+ laugh at you a great deal.
+%
+San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
+ -- Herb Caen
+%
+San Francisco, n.:
+ Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
+%
+Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
+ -- Mark Harrold
+%
+Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
+ He must be a communist.
+And a beard and long hair,
+ Must be a pacifist.
+
+ What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
+ -- Arlo Guthrie
+%
+Satellite Safety Tip #14:
+ If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
+%
+Sattinger's Law:
+ It works better if you plug it in.
+%
+Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
+ Is like being nowhere at all,
+All through the day how the hours rush by,
+ You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
+ -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
+%
+Sauron is alive in Argentina!
+%
+Save energy: be apathetic.
+%
+Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
+%
+Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
+%
+"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
+ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
+ -- Ken Thompson
+%
+Schapiro's Explanation:
+ The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
+because they use more manure.
+%
+Schizophrenia beats being alone.
+%
+Schlattwhapper, n.:
+ The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
+hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Schnuffel, n.:
+ A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
+mixed company.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Schwiggle, n.:
+ The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
+pencil.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
+of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
+is not necessarily science.
+ -- Henri Poincair'e
+%
+Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
+%
+Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
+ -- William Buckley
+
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
+ You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
+ achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
+ ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
+%
+Scott's first Law:
+ No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
+%
+Scott's second Law:
+ When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
+to have been wrong in the first place.
+
+Corollary:
+ After the correction has been found in error, it will be
+impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
+%
+Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
+Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
+Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
+Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
+Spock: Affirmative.
+Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
+Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
+%
+Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
+%
+Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
+Presidency.
+ -- Richard Nixon
+%
+Second Law of Business Meetings:
+ If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
+will pick the wrong one.
+
+Corollary:
+ If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
+wrong, anyway.
+%
+"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
+ In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
+multiline message byte.
+ In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
+must be sent passive true.
+ The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
+ (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
+ (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
+ (a) The LADS is active
+ (b) Nor LACS is active"
+
+ -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
+ Programmable Instrumentation
+%
+Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
+%
+Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
+She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
+Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
+Silently scheming,
+Sightlessly seeking
+Some savage, spectacular suicide.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
+%
+Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
+ Ice Cream cures all ills.
+%
+Self Test for Paranoia:
+ You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
+your own fault.
+%
+Seminars, n.:
+ From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
+%
+Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
+ notify you if the record has pornographics material or
+ material glorifying violence?"
+Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
+Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
+ legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
+ not for little Johnny."
+
+ -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
+ lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
+%
+Senate, n.:
+ A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
+misdemeanors.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Serenity through viciousness.
+%
+Serocki's Stricture:
+ Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
+%
+Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
+%
+ "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
+thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
+advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
+ "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
+ "Too proud?" the other enquired.
+ Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
+she said, "that one can't help growing older."
+ "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
+proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
+big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
+reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
+build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
+like crabgrass all over the United States.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
+%
+Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
+ -- Swami X
+%
+Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
+ -- M. C. Reed.
+%
+Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
+it's one of the best.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
+ A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
+temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
+ A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
+functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
+ A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
+middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
+bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
+ The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
+am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
+he's nobody!"
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
+during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+ Teen Should Know"
+%
+Shaw's Principle:
+ Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
+want to use it.
+%
+"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
+ -- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
+were bad.
+%
+She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
+have poured on a waffle ...
+%
+"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
+you should hear me play piano.'"
+ -- Morrisey
+%
+She's genuinely bogus.
+%
+"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
+taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
+excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
+POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
+%
+Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
+playing golf with his boss.
+%
+Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
+%
+Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
+ -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
+%
+Silverman's Law:
+ If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
+%
+Simon's Law:
+ Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
+%
+Since I hurt my pendulum
+My life is all erratic.
+My parrot, who was cordial,
+Is now transmitting static.
+The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
+The cat keeps doing poo.
+The only thing that keeps me sane
+Is talking to my shoe.
+ -- My Shoe
+%
+Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
+alive.
+ -- John Sloan
+%
+Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
+ -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
+%
+[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
+vices I admire.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
+Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
+excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
+This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally
+examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published
+Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
+printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry
+comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
+no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
+%
+Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
+ That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
+or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
+have gotten.
+%
+Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
+to work.
+%
+Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
+when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
+apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I
+neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a
+tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they
+were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
+souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a
+testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
+chains.
+ -- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
+ (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
+ check.
+ (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
+ (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
+ attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
+ attracted to dark objects.
+%
+Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
+%
+Slurm, n.:
+ The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
+it sits in the dish too long.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
+ -- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
+ -- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Snacktrek, n.:
+ The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
+returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
+materialized.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
+your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
+hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
+array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
+
+... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
+were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
+that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
+toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
+made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
+format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
+ -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
+ Revolution"
+%
+So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
+praise of intelligence.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
+who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
+and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
+and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
+ -- Voltarine de Cleyre
+%
+ So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
+With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
+maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
+corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
+flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
+it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
+I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
+the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
+ Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
+I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
+heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
+unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
+up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
+opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
+our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
+the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
+cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
+these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
+into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
+pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
+its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
+imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
+and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
+and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
+gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
+ -- Samuel Foote
+%
+... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
+procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
+to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
+sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
+documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
+listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
+documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
+under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
+effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
+scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
+in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
+thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
+then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
+dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
+along.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
+remember his Bible?
+%
+Sodd's Second Law:
+ Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
+bound to occur.
+%
+Software, n.:
+ Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
+%
+Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
+%
+Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
+ -- Ed Howe
+%
+Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
+celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
+stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
+"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
+of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
+government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
+Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
+billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
+it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
+thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
+the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
+and go to a mall.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
+people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
+ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
+one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
+%
+Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
+them on the head.
+%
+Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
+%
+Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
+you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
+worse.
+ -- Avery
+%
+Some points to remember [about animals]:
+
+(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
+ hippopotamuses;
+(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
+ front of your clothes;
+(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
+ you have just kicked.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Some primal termite knocked on wood.
+And tasted it, and found it good.
+And that is why your Cousin May
+Fell through the parlor floor today.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
+progress.
+%
+Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
+progress.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
+pens will multiply instead of disappear.
+%
+Someone will try to honk your nose today.
+%
+"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
+the only ashtray."
+%
+Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
+Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
+intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
+and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
+best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
+we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
+
+"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
+ -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
+%
+Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
+%
+Song Title of the Week:
+ "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
+in me."
+%
+Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
+paid may disregard this fortune).
+%
+Sorry, no fortune this time.
+%
+Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
+%
+Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
+bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
+road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
+ -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+"Spare no expense to save money on this one."
+ -- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
+ If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
+if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
+back at him.
+%
+Speak roughly to your little boy,
+ And beat him when he sneezes:
+He only does it to annoy
+ Because he knows it teases.
+
+ Wow! wow! wow!
+
+I speak severely to my boy,
+ And beat him when he sneezes:
+For he can thoroughly enjoy
+ The pepper when he pleases!
+
+ Wow! wow! wow!
+ -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+%
+Speak roughly to your little VAX,
+ And boot it when it crashes;
+It knows that one cannot relax
+ Because the paging thrashes!
+
+ Wow! Wow! Wow!
+
+I speak severely to my VAX,
+ And boot it when it crashes;
+In spite of all my favorite hacks
+ My jobs it always thrashes!
+
+ Wow! Wow! Wow!
+%
+Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
+%
+Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
+ -- Dave Millman
+%
+Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
+sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
+cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
+the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
+bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
+controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
+passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
+memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
+no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
+designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
+%
+Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
+
+ With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
+ He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
+ And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
+ As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
+ Helpless users with projects due
+ Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
+
+ Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
+ Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
+
+* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
+* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
+ -- Curtis Jackson
+%
+Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
+these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
+to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
+communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
+on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
+life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
+communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
+he can do is to Shut Up!
+ -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
+%
+"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
+%
+Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
+ The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
+number of times you have looked at it.
+%
+Spelling is a lossed art.
+%
+Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
+%
+Spirtle, n.:
+ The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
+your eye.
+ -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
+%
+Spouse, n.:
+ Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
+wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
+%
+"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
+drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the
+greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll
+take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+Stay away from flying saucers today.
+%
+Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
+%
+"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
+%
+Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
+ Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
+another drink.
+%
+Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
+ Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
+handle.
+%
+Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
+%
+Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
+take a bath ...
+%
+Stult's Report:
+ Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
+fight the solutions.
+%
+Stupid, n.:
+ Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
+%
+Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
+%
+Sturgeon's Law:
+ 90% of everything is crud.
+%
+Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
+editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
+before it is understood.
+%
+Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
+%
+Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
+without his duck ...
+%
+(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
+
+ To code the impossible code,
+ To bring up a virgin machine,
+ To pop out of endless recursion,
+ To grok what appears on the screen,
+
+ To right the unrightable bug,
+ To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
+ To mount the unmountable magtape,
+ To stop the unstoppable crash!
+%
+Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
+%
+Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
+%
+Support your local police force -- steal!!
+%
+Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
+%
+Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
+%
+Surprise due today. Also the rent.
+%
+Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
+%
+Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
+in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
+the room is punishable under law:
+
+Name #
+%
+Swahili, n.:
+ The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
+retractions.
+ -- Johnny Hart
+%
+Sweater, n.:
+ A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
+%
+Swipple's Rule of Order:
+ He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
+%
+Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+System/3! System/3!
+See how it runs! See how it runs!
+ Its monitor loses so totally!
+ It runs all its programs in RPG!
+ It's made by our favorite monopoly!
+System/3!
+%
+Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
+infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+ _
+ _ / \ o
+ / \ | | o o o
+ | | | | _ o o o o
+ | \_| | / \ o o o
+ \__ | | | o o
+ | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
+ | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
+ | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
+ | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
+ | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
+ | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
+ | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
+ // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
+ // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
+ //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
+
+Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
+start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
+then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
+music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
+ -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
+ He don't rock, and he don't roll;
+ Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
+ He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
+hole in his head.
+%
+Tact, n.:
+ The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
+%
+Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
+%
+Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
+enough cheese
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
+%
+Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
+needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
+ -- Kipling
+%
+Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit
+back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
+beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
+drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
+nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
+and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
+Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
+no need to improve ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
+your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
+and they'll call you crazy.
+ -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
+%
+Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+Talkers are no good doers.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
+ You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
+ determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
+ stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
+%
+Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
+the tree."
+ -- Russell Long
+%
+Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
+out of the market.
+%
+Taxes, n.:
+ Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
+an extension.
+%
+Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
+grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
+%
+Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
+%
+Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
+for going backwards.
+ -- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Telephone, n.:
+ An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
+advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
+Is those things arms, or is they legs?
+I marvel at thee, Octopus;
+If I were thou, I'd call me us.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
+writing.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
+You eat your victuals fast enough;
+There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
+To see the rate you drink your beer.
+But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
+It gives a chap the belly-ache.
+The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
+It sleeps well the horned head:
+We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
+To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
+Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
+Your friends to death before their time.
+Moping, melancholy mad:
+Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
+surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
+hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
+hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."
+ -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
+%
+Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
+pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
+until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
+ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
+because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
+fact, for he merely said:
+
+ "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
+ it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
+ because it is impossible."
+
+Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
+philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
+ -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
+
+(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
+%
+Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
+%
+Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
+%
+"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
+one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
+ -- J. Finnegan, USC.
+%
+Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
+ -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
+%
+"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
+ -- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
+%
+That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
+%
+That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
+%
+The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
+people who want some.
+ -- Dwight MacDonald
+%
+The Abrams' Principle:
+ The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
+%
+The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+The Advertising Agency Song:
+
+ When your client's hopping mad,
+ Put his picture in the ad.
+ If he still should prove refractory,
+ Add a picture of his factory.
+%
+"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
+someone with it."
+ -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
+%
+... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
+consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
+of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
+listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
+River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
+Rock.
+%
+The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
+Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
+and color, but also on ability.
+ -- T. Lehrer
+%
+The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
+ -- Bill Murray
+%
+The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
+in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
+Declaration not for that, but for future use.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
+%
+The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
+average man can see better than he can think.
+%
+"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
+people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
+anything."
+ -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
+%
+The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
+cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
+difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
+which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
+here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
+RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
+want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
+lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
+squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
+and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
+his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
+neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
+lots.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
+called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
+writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
+be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
+immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
+bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
+Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
+paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
+would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
+The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
+emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
+Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
+ -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
+%
+The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
+but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
+%
+The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+The best defense against logic is ignorance.
+%
+The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
+%
+"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
+blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
+You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
+night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
+love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
+know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only
+one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what
+wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
+never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
+dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a
+lot of things there are to learn."
+ -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
+%
+The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
+is a match.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+The bigger the theory the better.
+%
+The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
+time.
+ -- Merrick Furst
+%
+The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
+Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
+
+It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been
+known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
+in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
+under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
+people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
+city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
+umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
+activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
+%
+"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
+%
+The bogosity meter just pegged.
+%
+The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
+in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
+%
+The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
+ To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
+program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
+convert to the next higher units.
+%
+The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
+Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
+automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
+ -- Art Buchwald
+%
+The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
+bureaucracy.
+%
+"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
+flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
+%
+The camel has a single hump;
+The dromedary two;
+Or else the other way around.
+I'm never sure. Are you?
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
+greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
+inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
+party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
+ -- G. Fitch
+%
+The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
+at the steam fitters' picnic.
+%
+The chief cause of problems is solutions.
+%
+The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.
+ -- Alfred Adler
+%
+The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
+walk carefully.
+ -- Russian Proverb
+%
+"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
+elsewhere."
+%
+"The Computer made me do it."
+%
+The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
+ -- Alan Perlis
+%
+The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
+memos.
+ -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
+%
+The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
+subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
+every bird watcher in the country.
+ -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
+%
+The Consultant's Curse:
+ When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
+what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
+medicine, and is normally only required once.
+%
+The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
+none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
+Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
+Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
+talked about.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
+%
+The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
+down.
+%
+The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
+eat.
+ -- John McNulty
+%
+The Crown is full of it!
+ -- Nate Harris, 1775
+%
+The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
+therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
+hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
+declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war,
+then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
+Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
+ -- William Ellery Channing
+%
+The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
+%
+The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
+us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
+Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
+%
+The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
+%
+The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
+%
+"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
+into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
+out again, it would be a calamity."
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
+requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
+scholarship.
+ -- Robert Heinlein
+%
+The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
+following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
+
+ "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
+Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
+Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
+ "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
+Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
+Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
+Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
+goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
+Jews won't go near them ..."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
+a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
+%
+The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
+really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
+ -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
+%
+The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show
+off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
+next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
+duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
+duck and returned it to his master.
+ "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
+ "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
+swim."
+%
+The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
+and owns the worm farm.
+ -- Travis McGee
+%
+The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
+%
+The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
+add ten percent.
+%
+The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
+weather forecasters.
+ -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
+%
+"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
+Compute' -- I forget which."
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
+civilization.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
+symposium to follow.
+%
+The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
+their children to speak it.
+ -- G. B. Shaw
+%
+The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
+remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+The fact that it works is immaterial.
+ -- L. Ogborn
+%
+The faster we go, the rounder we get.
+ -- The Grateful Dead
+%
+The Fifth Rule:
+ You have taken yourself too seriously.
+%
+The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
+ -- Abbie Hoffman
+%
+The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
+Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
+tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
+forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
+fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
+threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
+suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
+foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
+one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
+dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
+drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
+and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
+thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
+of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
+in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
+crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
+Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
+a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
+throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
+management is that success equals skill.
+ -- Robert Heller
+%
+The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
+child, was propounded to me by my father:
+ "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
+whistles?"
+ I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
+gave up.
+ "A herring," said my father.
+ "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
+ "So hang it there."
+ "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
+ "Paint it."
+ "But a herring isn't wet."
+ "If its just painted its still wet."
+ "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
+doesn't whistle!!"
+ "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
+hard."
+ -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
+%
+"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
+hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
+ -- McCloctnik the Lucid
+%
+The First Rule of Program Optimization:
+ Don't do it.
+
+The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
+ Don't do it yet.
+ -- Michael Jackson
+%
+The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
+The second, a trick.
+Later, it's a well-established technique!
+ -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
+%
+The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
+Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
+
+As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
+logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
+appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
+four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
+ . . .
+Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
+blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
+parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
+of the hyper-cube.
+%
+The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
+a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
+%
+"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
+vinyl."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
+number of your kids by 32 teeth.
+%
+The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
+chance.
+%
+The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
+%
+The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
+center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
+Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
+End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
+%
+The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
+today.
+%
+The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
+least until we've finished building it.
+%
+The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature
+is to build better mice.
+%
+The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
+love and he invented marriage.
+%
+THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
+ The one who has the gold makes the rules.
+%
+"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
+make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
+have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
+man in the bonds of Hell."
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
+to be good.
+%
+ "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
+
+On the good ship Enterprise
+Every week there's a new surprise
+Where the Romulans lurk
+And the Klingons often go berserk.
+
+Yes, the good ship Enterprise
+There's excitement anywhere it flies
+Where Tribbles play
+And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
+
+ See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
+ Mr. Spock is at his side.
+ The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
+ It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
+
+It's the good ship Enterprise
+Heading out where danger lies
+And you live in dread
+If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
+ -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
+%
+The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
+statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
+extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
+displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
+case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
+down anything he damn well pleases.
+ -- Sir Josiah Stamp
+%
+The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
+who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin.
+%
+The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
+ The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
+courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
+clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
+of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
+Hedgehog Eater.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
+of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
+ -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
+%
+The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
+whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary,
+nohow.
+%
+The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
+ You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
+%
+The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
+thinkers.
+%
+The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
+which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
+least 5000 years old."
+%
+The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
+lists of "Ten Best".
+ -- H. Allen Smith
+%
+"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
+has gills through which it can see."
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
+-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
+%
+The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
+protein -- it rejects it.
+ -- P. Medawar
+%
+The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
+remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
+struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
+spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
+wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
+off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
+procession but carrying a banner.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The idea is to die young as late as possible.
+ -- Ashley Montagu
+%
+The idea is to die young as late as possible.
+ -- Ashley Montague
+%
+The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
+devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
+where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
+sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
+consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
+have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
+repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
+of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
+devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
+ -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
+%
+"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
+ -- Franco Spisani
+%
+"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
+longer."
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
+has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
+when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
+point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
+important thing to people.
+ -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
+%
+The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
+number of participants.
+ -- Adam Walinsky
+%
+The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
+by the number of people in the group.
+%
+The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
+information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
+dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
+real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
+
+So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
+pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
+consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+The Kennedy Constant:
+ Don't get mad -- get even.
+%
+The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
+%
+The ladies men admire, I've heard,
+Would shudder at a wicked word.
+Their candle gives a single light;
+They'd rather stay at home at night.
+They do not keep awake till three,
+Nor read erotic poetry.
+They never sanction the impure,
+Nor recognize an overture.
+They shrink from powders and from paints ...
+So far, I've had no complaints.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a
+word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about
+drugs.'
+ -- Roy Blount, Jr.
+%
+The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
+law free.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
+poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
+bread.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all
+men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the
+universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
+presently imagine we own."
+ -- H.G. Wells
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
+
+SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
+Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
+Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
+with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
+END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
+a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
+they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
+the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
+
+This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
+an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
+to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
+
+SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
+Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
+compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
+coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
+sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
+compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
+infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
+
+Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
+unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
+are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
+SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
+parties.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
+
+This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
+submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
+best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
+language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
+statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
+similar to COBOL.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
+
+FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
+refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
+JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
+BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
+CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
+
+The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
+financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
+VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
+and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
+who end up using this language.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
+
+Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
+DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
+language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
+and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
+spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
+ours."
+
+The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
+almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
+organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
+exist.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
+From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
+VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
+
+Here is a sample program:
+ LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
+ IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
+ VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
+ FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
+ DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
+ BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
+ SURE
+ LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
+ REALLY
+ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
+ IM*SURE
+ GOTO THE MALL
+
+When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
+
+ GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
+
+This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
+Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
+the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
+
+The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
+while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
+because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
+Perrier.
+
+Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
+and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
+case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
+message:
+ "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
+ you find the time to try it again?"
+%
+The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
+train.
+%
+The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
+%
+The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
+much sleep.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
+we could with both of them."
+ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+The makers may make
+and the users may use,
+but the fixers must fix
+with but minimal clues
+%
+The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
+crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
+one has ever been.
+ -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
+%
+The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
+will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
+ -- Mark Twain.
+%
+The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
+soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
+when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
+%
+"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
+%
+ The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
+klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
+
+ "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
+
+ "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
+%
+The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
+devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
+ -- Lew Mammel, Jr.
+%
+The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
+be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
+law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
+guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples
+Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
+Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality
+of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
+power.
+ -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
+ Thinking."
+%
+The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
+ -- Laurence J. Peter
+%
+The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
+ -- Nicol Williamson
+%
+The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
+%
+The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
+%
+"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
+lower the mailing cost."
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
+robbers there will be.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+The more things change, the more they stay insane.
+%
+The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
+is right.
+%
+The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
+ -- Andy Warhol
+%
+"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
+to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
+ -- Theodore H. White
+%
+The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
+discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
+%
+... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
+%
+ "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
+ "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
+feel interested.
+ "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
+vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
+Aged Man.'"
+ "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
+Alice corrected herself.
+ "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
+called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
+ "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
+completely bewildered.
+ "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
+"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
+1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
+ -- D. Letterman
+%
+The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
+ Support your right to bare arms!
+%
+The net of law is spread so wide,
+No sinner from its sweep may hide.
+Its meshes are so fine and strong,
+They take in every child of wrong.
+O wondrous web of mystery!
+Big fish alone escape from thee!
+ -- James Jeffrey Roche
+%
+The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
+hope I don't get run over again.
+%
+The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
+in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
+
+ But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
+ whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
+ -- Matthew 5:37
+%
+"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
+Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
+The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
+and running the country ..."
+ -- Robert J Woodhead
+%
+The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
+choose from.
+ -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
+%
+The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
+80-column card.
+ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
+serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
+these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
+function is to serve as checks upon the state.
+ -- Alan Barth
+%
+The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
+correct.
+ -- Ralph Hartley
+%
+The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
+analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
+occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
+these problems when called upon.
+
+However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
+remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
+ Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
+Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
+Planning."
+%
+The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
+%
+The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
+brings wisdom.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
+catch his own breath.
+ -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
+%
+The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
+to cringe.
+%
+The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
+`social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
+ -- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
+and take a rest.
+%
+"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
+ -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
+ Over and Over"
+%
+The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
+%
+The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
+has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
+finished, and put inside boxes.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
+use to oneself.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
+history."
+ -- Hegel
+
+"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
+long view."
+ -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
+%
+The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
+until 5 or 6 p.m.
+%
+The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
+ -- Bohr
+%
+The optimum committee has no members.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+The optimum committee has no members.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
+went back in time."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
+it isn't here.
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
+%
+The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
+were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+ The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
+Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
+large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
+it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
+apparatus for a spectator sport.
+
+ The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
+castrating pigs during Sunday service.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
+Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
+Let others think his heart is big,
+I think it stupid of the Pig.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
+swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
+batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
+center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
+his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
+ -- Dizzy Dean
+%
+The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
+ -- David Lardner
+%
+The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
+to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it
+is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
+courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
+preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
+social function of expressing true distaste.
+ -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
+ Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
+%
+"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
+often."
+%
+The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
+ Were each of them once a kiddie.
+A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
+ Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
+brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
+Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
+ -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
+%
+The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
+they might force their beliefs on us.
+ -- Mario Cuomo
+%
+The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
+warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
+changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
+marker.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
+constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
+appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
+statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
+also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
+ -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
+%
+The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
+voters to win the next election.
+%
+The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
+represents the secondary theme:
+
+ Law Enforcement Officials
+
+The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
+
+ Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
+%
+... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
+other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
+charity we can only call "inhuman."
+ -- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
+stupidity of your action.
+%
+The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
+Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
+using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
+Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
+etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
+bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
+of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
+developed cancer.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
+to erase it.
+ -- Glaser and Way
+%
+The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
+results.
+
+The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
+problems in order to get results.
+
+The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
+problems in order to get results.
+%
+The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
+pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
+ -- Elizabeth Taylor
+%
+The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
+%
+The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
+outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
+mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once
+tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
+the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+"The pyramid is opening!"
+"Which one?"
+"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
+ -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
+ Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
+%
+The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
+ "My brain is paged out to my liver"
+%
+The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
+it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
+that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
+industrial waste?
+ -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
+%
+The rain it raineth on the just
+ And also on the unjust fella,
+But chiefly on the just, because
+ The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
+%
+The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
+cursed.
+%
+The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
+%
+The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
+which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
+Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
+Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
+persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
+progress depends on the unreasonable man.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+The revolution will not be televised.
+%
+The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
+ -- Emerson
+%
+The rhino is a homely beast,
+For human eyes he's not a feast.
+Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
+I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This
+means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
+%
+"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
+and to his imagination for his facts."
+ -- Sheridan
+%
+The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
+ -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
+%
+"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
+House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
+you have and what rights you have not got."
+ -- J. Parnell Thomas
+%
+The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
+sloppy analysis!
+%
+The Roman Rule
+ The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
+ one who is doing it.
+%
+The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
+his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
+one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
+take it too seriously.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
+give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
+ -- Jane Bryant Quinn
+%
+"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
+%
+The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
+showed that all had these things in common:
+
+ (1) They all had moderate appetites.
+ (2) They all came from middle class homes
+ (3) All but two of them were dead.
+%
+The scum also rises.
+ -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
+respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
+from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
+milestones are lifted.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+ The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
+as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
+The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
+the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
+twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
+
+ "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
+everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
+fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
+and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
+
+ "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
+
+ Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
+ -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
+%
+The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
+%
+The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
+ -- Noelie Alito
+%
+The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
+ The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
+in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
+way.)
+ -- Dan Roddick
+%
+"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
+and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
+activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
+neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
+%
+"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
+money."
+ -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
+%
+"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
+%
+The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
+able to correct them.
+ -- Nicolaides
+%
+The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
+%
+The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
+readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
+some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
+reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
+the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
+known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
+Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
+of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
+psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
+Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
+these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
+further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
+something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
+the Russians.
+ -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
+%
+ The STAR WARS Song
+ Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
+
+I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+ S-O-D-A soda
+I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
+I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
+ Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+
+Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
+A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
+How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+%
+The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
+%
+The steady state of disks is full.
+ -- Ken Thompson
+%
+ THE STORY OF CREATION
+ or
+ THE MYTH OF URK
+
+In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
+and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
+was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
+registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
+and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
+Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
+and there was morning, one interrupt ...
+ -- Rico Tudor
+%
+The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
+them unsafe.
+ -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
+%
+"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
+is an emerging underachiever."
+%
+The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
+biology.
+%
+"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
+even any property taxes."
+ -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
+%
+The sum of the Universe is zero.
+%
+The sun was shining on the sea,
+Shining with all his might:
+He did his very best to make
+The billows smooth and bright --
+And this was very odd, because it was
+The middle of the night.
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+The superfluous is very necessary.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
+authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
+the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
+the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
+radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
+as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
+receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
+Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
+heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
+the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
+heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
+radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
+earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
+cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
+fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
+burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
+that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
+have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
+ -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
+%
+The Third Law of Photography:
+ If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
+when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
+leaks out.
+%
+The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
+
+The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
+The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
+ even.
+The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
+%
+ The Three Major Kind of Tools
+
+* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
+ jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
+ manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
+ bludgeons, and truncheons.)
+
+* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
+
+* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
+ greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
+ (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
+ any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+The trouble with a kitten is that
+When it grows up, it's always a cat
+ -- Ogden Nash.
+%
+The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
+%
+The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
+it.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
+more important to do.
+%
+The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
+appreciates how difficult it was.
+%
+The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
+ -- Ken Kesey
+%
+The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
+vice versa.
+%
+The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
+Which practically conceal its sex.
+I think it clever of the turtle
+In such a fix to be so fertile.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
+stupidity."
+%
+The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
+annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
+"100 percent American"...
+ -- U. S. Army (1945)
+%
+The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
+everybody and still nobody likes him.
+ -- Jim Samuels
+%
+The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
+broken.
+%
+The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
+combination is locked up in the safe.
+ -- Peter DeVries
+%
+The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
+Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
+to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
+decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
+%
+The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
+religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
+from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
+yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
+world put together.
+ -- Sir Peter Medawar
+%
+The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
+regarded as a criminal offense.
+ -- E. W. Dijkstra
+%
+The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
+the worst cigars.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
+prejudice.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
+Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
+to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
+be one of the facts that needs altering.
+ -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
+%
+"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
+%
+"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
+it's just a tired feeling:"
+%
+The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
+%
+"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
+that would be clearly understood."
+ -- Alexander Haig
+%
+"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
+with a large fortune."
+%
+The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
+ Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
+It must have blown through someone's feet,
+ Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
+ -- P. Opus
+%
+ THE WOMBAT
+
+The wombat lives across the seas,
+Among the far Antipodes.
+He may exist on nuts and berries,
+Or then again, on missionaries;
+His distant habitat precludes
+Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
+But I would not engage the wombat
+In any form of mortal combat.
+%
+The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
+%
+The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
+%
+The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
+%
+The world's as ugly as sin,
+And almost as delightful
+ -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
+%
+The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
+four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
+the answers.
+%
+Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
+
+He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
+then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
+market.
+
+If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
+not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
+
+Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
+Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
+Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+Then here's to the City of Boston,
+The town of the cries and the groans.
+Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
+And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
+ -- Franklin Pierce Adams
+%
+ THEORY
+Into love and out again,
+ Thus I went and thus I go.
+Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
+ Well and bitterly I know
+All the songs were ever sung,
+ All the words were ever said;
+Could it be, when I was young,
+ Someone dropped me on my head?
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
+%
+There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
+and praiseworthy ...
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
+cats.
+%
+There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
+are chosen correctly.
+%
+There are no games on this system.
+%
+There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
+existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
+marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
+engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is
+obviously impossible.
+ -- Richard Davisson
+%
+There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
+truth without lying.
+%
+There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
+vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+ There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
+someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
+Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
+Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
+every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
+this?
+ Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
+centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
+can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
+forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
+-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
+even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
+why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
+plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
+and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
+don't we all?"
+%
+"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
+and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
+pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
+them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you
+stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
+intelligence."
+ -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
+%
+There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
+ -- Disraeli
+%
+"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
+from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
+loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
+%
+There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
+offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
+a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
+of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
+affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
+When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
+Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
+ -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
+%
+"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
+engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
+the more certain."
+ -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
+%
+There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
+the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many
+facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next
+fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent
+Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
+Factor; that's engineering.
+%
+There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
+can't remember.
+ -- Italo Svevo
+%
+There are three ways to get something done:
+ (1) Do it yourself.
+ (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
+ (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
+someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
+one of them.
+%
+There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
+the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
+sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
+sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
+make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
+other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
+deficiencies."
+ -- C. A. R. Hoare
+%
+"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
+other is to read Pope."
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
+works.
+%
+There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
+suitable application of high explosives.
+%
+There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
+ -- R. W. Gerard
+%
+There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
+than 100.
+ -- Steele's Law
+%
+There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
+nothing about.
+%
+There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
+opinion.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
+paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
+%
+There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
+%
+There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
+tied during the month of April.
+%
+There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
+ -- Walt Disney
+%
+"There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
+Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
+love of the Fatherland."
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
+is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
+inexplicable."
+
+There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
+ -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
+what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
+disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
+inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
+already happened.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
+vacuum."
+ -- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
+tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
+abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
+war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
+of course.
+ -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
+%
+"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
+home."
+ -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
+ Convention, 1977
+%
+There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
+ -- G. B. Shaw
+%
+There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
+reflexes.
+%
+There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
+%
+There is no time like the pleasant.
+%
+There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
+doing.
+%
+There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
+There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong.
+%
+"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
+said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just
+a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
+question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been
+there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
+the middle of the night?'"
+%
+There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
+ocean level wouldn't cure.
+ -- Ross MacDonald
+%
+There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
+that is not being talked about.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
+returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+There once was a girl named Irene
+Who lived on distilled kerosene
+ But she started absorbin'
+ A new hydrocarbon
+And since then has never benzene.
+%
+There once was a member of Mensa
+Who was a most excellent fencer.
+ The sword that he used
+ Was his -- (line is refused,
+And has now been removed by the censor).
+%
+There once was an old man from Esser,
+Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
+ It at last grew so small,
+ He knew nothing at all,
+And now he's a College Professor.
+%
+"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
+it."
+ -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
+%
+There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
+left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
+Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
+started debating who should be allowed to stay.
+
+The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
+over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
+would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
+said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
+thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
+votes.
+%
+There was a young lady from Hyde
+Who ate a green apple and died.
+ While her lover lamented
+ The apple fermented
+And made cider inside her inside.
+%
+There was a young man who said "God,
+I find it exceedingly odd,
+ That the willow oak tree
+ Continues to be,
+When there's no one about in the Quad."
+
+"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
+For I'm always about in the Quad;
+ And that's why the tree,
+ Continues to be,"
+Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
+%
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+ When told this was so,
+ He said, "Yes, I know.
+%
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+ When told this was so,
+ He said, "Yes, I know.
+It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
+%
+"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
+both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
+talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
+during the trial."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
+the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
+digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
+8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
+transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
+stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
+feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
+systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
+first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
+satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
+telephone business?
+%
+There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
+a fence.
+%
+There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
+%
+There's little in taking or giving,
+ There's little in water or wine:
+This living, this living, this living,
+ Was never a project of mine.
+Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
+ The gain of the one at the top,
+For art is a form of catharsis,
+ And love is a permanent flop,
+And work is the province of cattle,
+ And rest's for a clam in a shell,
+So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
+ Would you kindly direct me to hell?
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
+whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+There's no future in time travel
+%
+There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
+There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
+any worse.
+%
+There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
+%
+There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
+working for you.
+ -- Will Rodgers
+%
+"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead
+armadillos."
+ -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
+%
+"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
+aggravate."
+%
+There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
+what it is I'll get married again.
+ -- Clint Eastwood
+%
+There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
+becoming an endangered synthetic.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
+"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
+"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
+out of MEGATON MAN!"
+%
+These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
+used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
+%
+They also surf who only stand on waves.
+%
+"They make a desert and call it peace."
+ -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
+%
+They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
+always spell better than they pronounce.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
+safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
+ -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
+%
+"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
+%
+They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
+ About a month before. Their hair began to curl
+The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
+ But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
+
+He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
+ To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
+And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
+ The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
+
+My notion was to start again
+ Ignoring all they'd done
+We quickly turned it into code
+ To see if it would run.
+%
+They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
+%
+"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
+to like."
+ -- Avon
+%
+Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
+%
+Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
+%
+Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
+%
+Think honk if you're a telepath.
+%
+Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
+%
+Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer
+crashes.
+%
+Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
+%
+"Thirty days hath Septober,
+April, June, and no wonder.
+all the rest have peanut butter
+except my father who wears red suspenders."
+%
+This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
+%
+This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
+please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random
+characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
+something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
+more profound than THIS program has ever been.
+%
+This fortune intentionally not included.
+%
+This fortune is false.
+%
+This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
+%
+"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
+regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
+keys ..."
+%
+"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
+DOG."
+ -- Bob Violence
+%
+"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
+actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
+%
+This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
+because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
+which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
+"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
+consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
+rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
+oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
+Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
+over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
+innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
+passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
+amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
+apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
+and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
+%
+This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
+%
+This is for all ill-treated fellows
+ Unborn and unbegot,
+For them to read when they're in trouble
+ And I am not.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
+to one."
+ -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
+%
+This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
+%
+THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
+
+If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
+contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
+without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
+contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
+can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
+for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
+difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
+and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
+"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
+you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
+Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
+30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
+Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
+more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
+%
+This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
+%
+This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
+power of computers:
+
+Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct
+the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
+minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The
+results are that one should eat each day:
+
+ 1/2 chicken
+ 1 egg
+ 1 glass of skim milk
+ 27 heads of lettuce.
+ -- Rev. Adrian Melott
+%
+This is the story of the bee
+Whose sex is very hard to see
+
+You cannot tell the he from the she
+But she can tell, and so can he
+
+The little bee is never still
+She has no time to take the pill
+
+And that is why, in times like these
+There are so many sons of bees.
+%
+This is your fortune.
+%
+This land is full of trousers!
+this land is full of mausers!
+ And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
+ -- Firesign Theater
+%
+This land is made of mountains,
+This land is made of mud,
+This land has lots of everything,
+For me and Elmer Fudd.
+
+This land has lots of trousers,
+This land has lots of mousers,
+And pussycats to eat them
+When the sun goes down.
+%
+This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
+you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
+to go.
+%
+This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
+%
+This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
+great force.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
+the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
+solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
+largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
+which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
+paper that were unhappy.
+ -- Douglas Adams
+%
+"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
+something child-like."
+ -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
+%
+This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
+student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
+
+ One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
+ Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
+ computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
+ which identifies errors in the original program.
+%
+This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
+ -- Hofstadter
+%
+... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
+as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
+determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
+buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
+couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
+weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
+they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
+restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
+excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
+off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
+a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
+it.
+%
+ Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
+rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
+than he does.
+ As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
+it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
+sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
+consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
+being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
+ The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
+do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
+honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
+be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
+relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
+Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
+This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
+ from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
+ and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
+%
+Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
+of us who do.
+%
+Those who can't write, write manuals.
+%
+Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
+%
+"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
+ -- French Proverb
+%
+Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
+ -- Henry Spencer
+%
+Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
+for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
+surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
+ -- Mark B. Cohen
+%
+Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
+%
+Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
+revolution inevitable.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
+men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
+without the roar of its many waters.
+ -- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
+the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
+Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
+whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
+fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
+more about the matter than the others.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Time flies like an arrow
+Fruit flies like a banana
+%
+Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
+%
+Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
+ -- Ford Prefect
+%
+Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
+once.
+%
+'Tis the dream of each programmer,
+Before his life is done,
+To write three lines of APL,
+And make the damn things run.
+%
+ (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
+Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
+Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
+Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+And we've also found Just flip one switch
+When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
+You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
+ in a flash.
+Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
+Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
+And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
+%
+ To A Quick Young Fox:
+Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
+Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
+Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
+Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
+ -- Lazy Dog
+%
+To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
+%
+To be is to do.
+ -- I. Kant
+To do is to be.
+ -- A. Sartre
+Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
+ -- F. Flinstone
+%
+"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
+this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
+offer in response is based on information available to make no such
+statement."
+%
+To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
+call it the target.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
+%
+"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
+%
+To err is human, to moo bovine.
+%
+To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
+ -- B. Duggan
+%
+To generalize is to be an idiot.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
+men, two of them absent.
+%
+To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
+ -- Thomas Edison
+%
+To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
+%
+To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
+%
+To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
+a test load.
+%
+To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
+system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
+inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
+precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
+uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
+well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
+of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
+secure ecological niche.
+ -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
+%
+To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
+telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
+computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
+in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
+lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
+
+Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
+suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
+computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
+one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
+break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
+incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
+an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
+pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
+loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
+and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
+ Phones?"
+%
+"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
+%
+"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
+%
+Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
+%
+Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
+%
+Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
+
+And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
+cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
+spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
+ -- Bob & Ray
+%
+"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
+except in major motion pictures."
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+Toilet Toup'ee, n.:
+ Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
+creating endless annoyance to male users.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
+%
+Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Too clever is dumb.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Too much of everything is just enough.
+ -- Bob Wier
+%
+Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
+briefcases.
+ -- Governor Jerry Brown
+%
+Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
+earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
+As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
+Please...
+
+ CONSERVE GRAVITY
+
+Follow these simple suggestions:
+
+(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
+(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
+(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
+ curling.
+(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
+(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
+ pile.
+(6) Stop flipping pancakes
+%
+Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
+%
+Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
+in eucalyptus trees.
+%
+Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
+intelligence.
+ -- Henrik Tikkanen
+%
+Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
+%
+Truthful, adj.:
+ Dumb and illiterate.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
+ -- Charles Schulz
+%
+Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
+good.
+%
+Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
+is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
+in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
+pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
+defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
+absolutely perfect future.
+ -- Amrom Katz
+%
+Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
+%
+Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
+specification is that it should run noiselessly.
+%
+Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
+ -- Alan Watts
+%
+Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
+%
+Turnaucka's Law:
+ The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
+electrical cord.
+%
+Tussman's Law:
+ Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
+%
+TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
+ -- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
+Did gyre and gimble in their cave
+All mimsy was the CS-VAX
+And Cory raths outgrabe.
+
+"Beware the software rot, my son!
+The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
+Beware the broken pipe, and shun
+The frumious system crash!"
+%
+ 'Twas the Night before Crisis
+
+'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
+ Not a program was working not even a browse.
+The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
+ Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
+The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
+ While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
+When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
+ I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
+And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
+ But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
+More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
+ And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
+On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
+ On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
+His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
+ From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
+A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
+ Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
+%
+'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
+ preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
+ throughout our place of residence,
+Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
+ possessors of this potential, including that
+ species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
+Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
+ edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
+Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
+ imminent visitation from an eccentric
+ philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
+ is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
+%
+Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
+ -- Howard Kandel
+%
+Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man
+said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The
+second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his
+chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded
+only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the
+courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
+If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
+dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
+must pay three silver pieces."
+%
+Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
+%
+"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
+I forget the second."
+%
+Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
+%
+U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
+ Run right up and rub its horn.
+ Look at all those points you're losing!
+ UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
+
+(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
+ -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
+%
+UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
+%
+"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
+
+"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
+right?"
+ -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
+%
+Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
+ Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
+hammer or get a splinter in it.
+%
+Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
+ Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
+hammmer or get a splinter in it.
+%
+Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
+just man is also a prison.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
+just man is also in prison.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it
+can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
+%
+Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
+ Superiority is recessive.
+%
+Unfair animal names:
+
+-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
+-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
+-- sapsucker -- Clarence
+ -- Gary Larson
+%
+United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
+Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
+all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
+all the patriots of every persuasion.
+
+Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
+world.
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+Universe, n.:
+ The problem.
+%
+University, n.:
+ Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
+usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
+fix it, and ...
+%
+unix soit qui mal y pense
+%
+UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
+Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
+ -- Andy Tannenbaum
+%
+Unnamed Law:
+ If it happens, it must be possible.
+%
+Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
+twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
+%
+User n.:
+ A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
+%
+USER, n.:
+ The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
+%
+Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
+ -- S. C. Johnson
+%
+Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
+opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
+ -- Doug Larson
+%
+Vail's Second Axiom:
+ The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
+amount of work already completed.
+%
+Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
+Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
+ -- Tom Chapin
+%
+Van Roy's Law:
+ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+%
+Vanilla, adj.:
+ Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
+very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
+extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
+"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
+and sour won ton soup.
+%
+Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
+ (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
+ once.
+ (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
+ points.
+%
+Veni, Vidi, Visa.
+%
+ "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
+year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
+reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
+artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
+moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
+Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
+entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
+sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
+
+ "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
+
+ "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
+good copy."
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
+%
+Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
+Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
+ waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
+%
+Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
+ -- Salvor Hardin
+%
+Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
+yard.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
+ Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
+ ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
+ morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
+ wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
+ that old underwear you own.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
+ You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
+ sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
+ sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
+ drivers.
+%
+"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
+%
+Virtue is its own punishment.
+%
+Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
+from where you left them to where you can't find them.
+%
+Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
+%
+VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
+%
+Vote anarchist
+%
+Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
+TAX-DEFERRED!
+%
+VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
+%
+
+ *** System shutdown message from root ***
+
+System going down in 60 seconds
+
+
+%
+"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
+1st customer: "I'll have tea."
+2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
+ (Waiter exits, returns)
+Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
+%
+Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
+%
+War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
+ -- Charles Edward Montague
+%
+War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
+%
+ WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
+
+Firings will continue until morale improves.
+%
+ WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
+
+Firings will continue until morale improves.
+%
+WARNING:
+ Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
+mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
+your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
+%
+Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
+those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
+up.
+ -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
+%
+Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
+%
+Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
+%
+Wasting time is an important part of living.
+%
+Watson's Law:
+ The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
+number and significance of any persons watching it.
+%
+We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which
+divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
+correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
+ -- Whole Earth Catalog
+%
+We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
+%
+We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
+socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
+bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
+socialism?
+ -- Fidel Castro
+%
+"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
+theorem."
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+"We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
+ -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
+%
+We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
+%
+We can predict everything, except the future.
+%
+We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
+deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
+ -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
+%
+"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
+ -- Vroomfondel
+%
+"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
+%
+We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
+fish.
+%
+We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
+hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
+%
+We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
+ -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
+%
+"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
+hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
+mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
+our grave singing Haleleuia ..."
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+We have met the enemy, and he is us.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
+back to normal, and that they already have.
+%
+"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
+hands for masturbation."
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
+official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
+Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
+you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
+said "ELECTROCUTION".
+
+Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
+teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
+process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
+couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
+out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
+stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
+floor, which is how the police would find you.
+
+You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
+%
+We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
+purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start
+with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
+playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is
+best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
+buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
+ -- Alan M. Turing
+%
+We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
+respect their good judgement.
+%
+We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
+no matter how self-seeking.
+ -- F. G. Withington
+%
+We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
+people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
+For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
+to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
+fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
+primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
+ugly paneling is to begin with.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
+friends are trying to kill us.
+%
+ We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
+But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
+Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
+ I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
+her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
+had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
+told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
+lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
+fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
+what men must do. ...
+ "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
+sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
+not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
+quiet and peace I will never forget.
+ "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
+tollway belle's for thee."
+ The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
+a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
+poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
+ -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
+ Competition
+%
+We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
+technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
+%
+we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
+we will cry over things we used to laugh &
+our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
+creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
+in the end a summer with wild winds &
+new friends will be.
+%
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+And a Sun Myung Moon!
+ -- Maxwell Smart
+%
+"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
+%
+We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
+the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
+you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
+in his bowl full of jelly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+We're only in it for the volume.
+ -- Black Sabbath
+%
+We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
+of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
+but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
+ -- Andy Rooney
+%
+Weiler's Law:
+ Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
+himself.
+%
+Weinberg's First Law:
+ Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
+%
+Weinberg's Principle:
+ An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
+sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
+%
+Weinberg's Second Law:
+ If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
+then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
+%
+Weiner's Law of Libraries:
+ There are no answers, only cross references.
+%
+Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
+you run out of food.
+ -- Dean McLaughlin.
+%
+Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
+lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
+governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
+reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
+contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
+will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
+most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
+appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
+morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
+interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
+guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
+the entire show without answering a single question ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
+%
+Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
+back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
+or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
+they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
+ -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
+%
+"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
+you believe?!"
+ -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
+%
+Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
+ And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
+I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
+ I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
+ Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
+'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
+ I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
+ But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
+Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
+ I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+ -- Core Dumped Blues
+%
+"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
+
+"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
+coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
+"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
+no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
+hundred."
+ -- The Mahabharata.
+%
+Westheimer's Discovery:
+ A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
+couple of hours in the library.
+%
+Wethern's Law:
+ Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
+%
+"What are we going to do?"
+
+"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
+something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
+short initiation period."
+%
+"What are you doing?"
+
+"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
+that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
+initiation period."
+%
+What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
+%
+ "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
+teenager asked her mother.
+ "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
+%
+What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
+%
+What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
+%
+What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
+%
+What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
+%
+"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
+that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
+country. Nice try anyway, George."
+ -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
+%
+What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
+entrance?
+%
+What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
+in his footsteps?
+%
+What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
+stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
+barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
+from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
+while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
+dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
+powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
+bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
+one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
+lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
+you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
+if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
+that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
+they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
+flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
+%
+What I tell you three times is true.
+%
+"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
+sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
+with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
+came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
+parties.
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
+%
+"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
+ -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
+%
+What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
+definitely overpaid for my carpet.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
+worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What is a magician but a practising theorist?
+ -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
+%
+What is mind? No matter.
+What is matter? Never mind.
+ -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
+%
+What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
+computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
+and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
+%
+"What is the Nature of God?"
+
+ CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
+ 1 QT. SOUR CREAM
+ 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
+ 1/2 CUT CHIVES.
+ STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
+
+"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
+ -- Bloom County
+%
+"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
+ -- Bertold Brecht
+%
+"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
+which is the exact opposite."
+ -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
+%
+What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
+%
+What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
+to compare it with.
+%
+What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
+It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
+and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
+and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
+women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
+mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
+and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
+ -- Susan Gordon
+%
+What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
+ -- Ursula K. LeGuin
+%
+What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
+%
+What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
+%
+What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
+%
+What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
+bagel.
+%
+What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
+%
+What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
+%
+What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
+ -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
+What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
+nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
+Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
+launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
+remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
+process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
+be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
+%
+"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+ "What's that thing?"
+ "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
+computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
+it does. We call it a two-by-four."
+ -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
+%
+"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
+"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
+ -- The Doctor
+%
+Whatever became of eternal truth?
+%
+Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
+cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
+as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
+hundred dollar bills."
+ -- Herb Caen
+%
+Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
+nailed down.
+ -- Collis P. Huntingdon
+%
+"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
+cockroaches!"
+ -- Mom
+%
+When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
+money is.
+ -- Robespierre
+%
+When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
+thing," it's the money.
+ -- Kim Hubbard
+%
+When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
+loop?
+%
+When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
+not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
+travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
+ -- Robert Heinlein
+%
+When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
+sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
+relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
+ Maintenance"
+%
+When all other means of communication fail, try words.
+%
+"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
+tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
+ -- Reuben Flagg
+%
+When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
+the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
+ -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
+%
+When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
+think it was a Tuesday.
+%
+When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
+guarantee them.
+%
+"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
+parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
+I'm leaving."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
+year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
+winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
+ladies, and, of course, the goat.
+%
+When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
+I'm beginning to believe it.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
+take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
+and get you."
+ -- Jerry Lewis
+%
+"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
+firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
+the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
+act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A
+group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
+six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things
+together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ...
+Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
+responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military
+establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
+been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
+together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
+ -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
+%
+When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
+or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
+cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
+go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
+%
+"When in doubt, tell the truth."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+When in doubt, use brute force.
+ -- Ken Thompson
+%
+When in panic, fear and doubt,
+Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
+%
+When love is gone, there's always justice.
+And when justice is gone, there's always force.
+And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
+Hi, Mom!
+ -- Laurie Anderson
+%
+When Marriage is Outlawed,
+Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
+%
+When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
+results.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
+concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
+and I find I mind it less and less."
+ -- Louise Andrews Kent
+%
+When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
+for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
+your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
+ -- Daniel B. Luten
+%
+When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
+say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
+%
+"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
+ -- Jon Carroll
+%
+When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
+modify the problem, not the remedy.
+%
+When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
+the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
+nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
+metaphysics.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
+stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
+from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
+were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
+corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
+plane will fly.
+ -- Donald Douglas
+%
+When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
+insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
+required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
+exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
+not hereditary.
+ -- Thomas Paine
+%
+When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
+except our fingertips will have been singed.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
+investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
+so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
+swayed, directly to the goal.
+ -- Amrom Katz
+%
+"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
+%
+When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+%
+When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
+ -- Harry Truman
+%
+ When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
+clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
+to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
+ In a way, the next move is up to him.
+ -- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
+ -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
+%
+When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
+asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
+know the answer either.
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
+ -- The Wall Street Journal
+%
+When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
+impression you will make.
+%
+When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
+Wretched, bored, dejected; only
+Here's the rub, my darling dear
+I feel the same when you are near.
+ -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
+%
+When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
+%
+Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
+ -- Dave Parnas
+%
+Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
+see it tried on him personally.
+ -- A. Lincoln
+%
+Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
+you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
+Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
+ -- Mark Twain
+ "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
+%
+Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
+to reform.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
+
+ Oh, dear, where can the matter be
+ When it's converted to energy?
+ There is a slight loss of parity.
+ Johnny's so long at the fair.
+%
+Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
+is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
+%
+Whether you can hear it or not
+The Universe is laughing behind your back
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
+%
+While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
+admission to someone else.
+%
+While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
+The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
+While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
+And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
+Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
+The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
+ -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
+ November 26, 1792
+%
+While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
+%
+While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
+keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
+ -- Edward Stevenson
+%
+While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
+form of misery.
+%
+While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
+position.
+%
+While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
+correctness never does.
+%
+While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
+reassuring to know that it's still there.
+%
+While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
+safe, for you can watch both of his.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Whistler's Law:
+ You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
+charge.
+%
+"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
+Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
+%
+Who made the world I cannot tell;
+'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
+My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
+I never soiled with such a deed.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
+%
+Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
+%
+Who's on first?
+%
+"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
+ -- George Ade
+%
+Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
+%
+Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
+%
+"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
+have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
+ -- Ian Shoales
+%
+"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
+ -- Bertold Brecht
+%
+Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
+have?
+%
+Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
+%
+Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
+avoid responsibility with?
+%
+Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
+automation?
+%
+Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
+%
+Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
+there must be a beverage.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
+more lawyers?
+
+New Jersey had first choice.
+%
+Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
+
+Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but ...
+ -- I have to floss my cat.
+ -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
+ -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
+ -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
+ -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
+ -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
+ -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
+ -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
+ -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
+ -- I have some really hard words to look up.
+ -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
+ -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
+%
+"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
+because we are not the person involved"
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
+%
+"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
+you knowing nothing?"
+ -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
+%
+Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
+Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
+children open their old-fashioned presents.
+
+Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
+
+You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
+ falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
+
+Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
+ with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
+ and I get this cretin TOP?"
+
+Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
+
+You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
+
+Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
+ No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
+when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
+direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
+ -- John L. Shelton
+%
+Wiker's Law:
+ Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
+%
+ William Safire's Rules for Writers:
+
+Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
+be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
+agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
+out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
+of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
+not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
+conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
+sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
+close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
+words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
+must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
+linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
+metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
+be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
+writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
+the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
+viable alternatives.
+%
+Williams and Holland's Law:
+ If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
+statistical methods.
+%
+Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
+it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
+%
+Wit, n.:
+ The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
+... by leaving it out.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
+try to be a fraud and a half.
+ -- Otto von Bismark
+%
+With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
+ -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
+build a nuclear balm?
+%
+With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
+miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
+still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
+such thing as progress.
+ -- Ransom K. Ferm
+%
+Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
+%
+Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
+ (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
+ (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
+ (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
+ (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
+ VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
+ (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
+ -- Rich Kulawiec
+%
+Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
+you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
+down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
+tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
+long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
+there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
+come back.
+
+Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
+when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
+Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
+cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
+heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
+beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
+and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
+although their insurance rates went way up.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
+ We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
+any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
+should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
+and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
+bargained for.
+%
+Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
+chairs.
+%
+World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
+dress code!
+%
+Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
+ August. The lines are the shortest, though.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Month of the Year:
+ February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
+you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
+get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
+ From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
+in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
+damage my videotapes?"
+%
+Worst Vegetable of the Year:
+ The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
+year.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
+
+"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
+ -- Lewis Carrol
+%
+"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
+and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
+if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
+and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
+and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"
+%
+Write-Protect Tab, n.:
+ A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
+left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
+message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
+momentary inconvenience.
+ -- Robb Russon
+%
+Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+"Wrong," said Renner.
+
+"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
+the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
+%
+X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
+imagination is the plot.
+%
+Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
+%
+Xerox never comes up with anything original.
+%
+XIIdigitation, n.:
+ The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
+by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
+goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
+their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
+unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
+doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
+ -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
+%
+Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
+fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
+operators together.
+ -- Steve Higgins
+%
+"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
+%
+Year, n.:
+ A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
+%
+Yes, but which self do you want to be?
+%
+Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
+be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+Yesterday upon the stair
+I met a man who wasn't there.
+He wasn't there again today --
+I think he's from the CIA.
+%
+Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Yinkel, n.:
+ A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
+will notice.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
+%
+You are here:
+ ***
+ ***
+ *********
+ *******
+ *****
+ ***
+ *
+
+ But you're not all there.
+%
+"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
+ "All your papers these days look the same;
+Those William's would be better unread --
+ Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
+
+"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
+ "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
+But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
+ Made it pointless to think any more."
+%
+"You are old, father William," the young man said,
+ "And your hair has become very white;
+And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
+ Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
+
+"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
+ "I feared it might injure the brain;
+But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
+ Why, I do it again and again."
+ -- Lewis Carrol
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
+ That your lectures bore people to death.
+Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
+ Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
+
+"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
+ Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
+Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
+ Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
+ For anything tougher than suet;
+Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
+ Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
+
+"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
+ And argued each case with my wife;
+And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
+ Has lasted the rest of my life."
+ -- Lewis Carrol
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
+ And there isn't one language you like;
+Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
+ Have you thought about taking a hike?"
+
+"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
+ "Every language looks equally bad;
+Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
+ And don't realize that they've been had."
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
+ And have grown most uncommonly fat;
+Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
+ Pray what is the reason of that?"
+
+"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
+ "I kept all my limbs very supple
+By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
+ Allow me to sell you a couple?"
+ -- Lewis Carrol
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
+ And make errors few people could bear;
+You complain about everyone's English but yours --
+ Do you really think this is quite fair?"
+
+"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
+ "But my stature these days is so great
+That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
+ And to stop me it's now far too late."
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
+ That your eye was as steady as ever;
+Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
+ What made you so awfully clever?"
+
+"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
+ Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
+Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
+ Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
+ -- Lewis Carrol
+%
+You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
+%
+You are the only person to ever get this message.
+%
+You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
+this sort of trash.
+%
+You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
+%
+You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
+incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
+Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
+to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
+nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
+they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
+some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
+
+The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
+pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
+safety glasses.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
+doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
+ -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
+%
+You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
+executive.
+%
+"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
+Why do you find that funny?"
+ -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
+%
+You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
+can with just a kind word.
+ -- Bumper Sticker
+%
+You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
+for instance.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
+%
+You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
+the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
+ -- Alan Perlis
+%
+You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
+%
+You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
+decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
+over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
+ -- F. Allen
+%
+You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
+supercomputers.
+ -- Steven Feiner
+%
+You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
+%
+"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
+ -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
+%
+You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
+%
+"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
+ -- Booker T. Washington
+%
+You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
+%
+"You can't make a program without broken egos."
+%
+You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
+enough worrying about what's happening now.
+ -- Lauren Bacall
+%
+"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
+ -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
+ Over and Over"
+%
+"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
+don't."
+ -- Dagwood Bumstead
+%
+You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
+%
+You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+%
+You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
+%
+You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
+and last month in advance.
+%
+You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
+doubt.
+ -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
+%
+You do not have mail.
+%
+You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
+ -- J. D. Salinger
+%
+You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
+needles.
+ -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
+%
+You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
+The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
+which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
+tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
+names. Here's the complete text:
+
+ "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
+ "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
+ "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
+ send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
+ THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
+ household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
+ you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
+ NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
+
+The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
+money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
+form.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
+%
+You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
+
+This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
+
+You are permanently confused.
+ -- Dave Decot
+%
+You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
+metal objects which are not fastened down.
+%
+You have junk mail.
+%
+You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
+wrinkled.
+%
+You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
+today.
+%
+You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
+you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
+%
+You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
+anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
+you can always change the channel.
+ -- Jim Ignatowski
+%
+You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
+ -- S. Rickly Christian
+%
+You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
+ -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
+%
+You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
+friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
+%
+You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
+%
+ "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
+airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
+deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
+when I was young!"
+ "Why, what did she tell you?"
+ "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
+ -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
+%
+You may be recognized soon. Hide.
+%
+You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
+is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
+ -- Sydney Harris
+%
+You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
+him.
+ -- Ed Howe
+%
+You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
+ -- Alfred Kahn
+%
+You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
+success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
+or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
+party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
+ -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
+%
+You might have mail
+%
+"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
+proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
+%
+You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
+be dead.
+%
+You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
+reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
+the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
+independence.
+ -- Charles A. Beard
+%
+You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
+beach.
+%
+You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
+you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
+yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
+company.
+ -- J. Wellington Wells
+%
+You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
+%
+You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
+know how seldom they do.
+ -- Olin Miller.
+%
+You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
+if they are dead.
+%
+You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
+about 10^12 to 1.
+ -- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
+freedom and liberty.
+ -- Henrik Ibson
+%
+You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
+contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
+houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
+scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
+summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
+you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
+sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
+another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
+another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
+such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
+many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
+If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
+should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
+for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
+because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
+chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
+
+In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
+hemorrhoids.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
+plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
+ -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
+%
+You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
+%
+ YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
+ PAPER SHUFFLING!
+
+Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
+a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
+really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
+
+Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
+to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
+make really big Zorkmids."
+
+MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
+you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
+
+ SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
+%
+You too can wear a nose mitten.
+%
+You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
+%
+You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
+a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
+%
+You will be surprised by a loud noise.
+%
+You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
+%
+You will feel hungry again in another hour.
+%
+You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
+mayonnaise salesman.
+%
+ You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
+Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
+parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
+%
+You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
+worry.
+%
+You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
+taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
+minute and a huff.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
+%
+You're at the end of the road again.
+%
+You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
+%
+You're never too old to become younger.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
+ -- Dean Martin
+%
+You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
+%
+You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
+%
+"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
+ -- Gary Giddens
+%
+"You've got to think about tomorrow!"
+
+"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
+%
+Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
+thing he tells you.
+%
+Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
+from enjoying it.
+%
+Your fault: core dumped
+%
+ Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
+bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
+chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
+electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
+breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
+until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
+damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
+your fuses regularly.
+ Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
+sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
+often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
+you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
+sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
+fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
+electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
+such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
+table, etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
+%
+Your lucky color has faded.
+%
+Your lucky number has been disconnected.
+%
+Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
+%
+Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
+%
+"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
+ -- Zippy the Pinhead
+%
+YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
+%
+Zero Defects, n.:
+ The result of shutting down a production line.
+%
+Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
+since I first called my brother's father dad.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
+%
+Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
+ People are always available for work in the past tense.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake.rot13 b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake.rot13
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..bc7b70c3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake.rot13
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Gurer ner ab cbgragvnyyl bssrafvir sbegharf vafgnyyrq ba guvf
+flfgrz. Sbe shegure qrgnvyf, pbagnpg lbhe flfgrz nqzvavfgengbe.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..967766bf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
@@ -0,0 +1,2018 @@
+71:
+ 69 with two fingers up your ass.
+ -- George Carlin
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+ Saw a man come along
+ And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
+I am not I, I'm a tree."
+ But another, more sane,
+ Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
+And covered his pants leg with pee.
+%
+A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
+to the top.
+%
+A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
+Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
+ -- Thomas Ybarra
+%
+A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
+the first time.
+ -- Alfred E. Wiggam
+%
+A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
+learned to walk.
+ -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
+%
+A hard man is good to find.
+%
+A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
+%
+A mathematician named Hall
+Has a hexahedronical ball,
+ And the cube of its weight
+ Times his pecker's, plus eight
+Is his phone number -- give him a call..
+%
+"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
+good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
+scruples and the police."
+ -- Mr. Dooley
+%
+A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
+wrong with a high sense of consistency.
+ -- J. K. Galbraith
+%
+A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
+ -- Phyllis Schlafly
+%
+A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
+%
+A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
+called a liberal.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+ A curious mole
+ Nosed into her hole --
+Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young maiden from France
+Decided she'd "just take a chance."
+ She let herself go
+ For an hour or so
+And now all her sisters are aunts.
+%
+A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
+having fun.
+%
+A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
+up with yesterday.
+%
+A remarkable race are the Persians;
+They have such peculiar diversions.
+ They make love the whole day
+ In the usual way
+And save up the nights for perversions.
+%
+A team playing baseball in Dallas
+Called the umpire blind out of malice.
+ While this worthy had fits
+ The team made eight hits
+And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
+%
+A wanton young lady from Wimley
+Reproached for not acting quite primly
+ Said, "Heavens above!
+ I know sex isn't love,
+But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
+%
+A widow who fancied a man some
+Was diddled three times in a hansome.
+ When she clamored for more
+ Her young man became sore
+And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
+%
+"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
+drawers."
+ -- Blind Lemon Pledge
+%
+A worried young man from Stamboul
+Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
+ Said the doctor, a cynic,
+ "Get out of my clinic;
+Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
+%
+A.I. hackers do it with robots.
+%
+Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
+%
+"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
+religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
+Western science."
+ -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
+%
+Achilles' Biological Findings:
+ (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
+ looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
+ (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
+ -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
+ rooster.
+%
+Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
+ cuts.
+Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
+Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
+Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
+%
+All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
+place to shift.
+%
+All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
+ -- R. Crumb
+%
+All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
+ All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
+Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
+ He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
+All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
+ All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
+Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
+ Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
+All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
+ Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
+ -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
+%
+America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
+wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
+ -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
+%
+An architect fellow named Yoric
+Could, when feeling euphoric,
+ Display for selection
+ Three kinds of erection --
+Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
+%
+An Army travels on her stomach.
+%
+An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
+eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
+person who will sit on its face is its mother.
+%
+"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
+unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
+bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
+provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
+ -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
+%
+ And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
+ They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
+ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
+very selfhood revealed."
+ And Jesus replied, "What?"
+%
+... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
+and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
+%
+Anxiety, n.:
+ The first time you can't do it a second time.
+
+Panic, n.:
+ The second time you can't do it the first time.
+%
+"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
+ -- Claude Shouse
+
+"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
+ -- Joseph C. Wang
+%
+"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
+released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
+enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
+popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
+blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
+back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
+slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
+"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
+appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
+spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
+honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
+hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
+%
+Baltimore, n.:
+ Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
+collars.
+%
+Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
+%
+"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
+Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
+
+ (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
+ (2) Advising the President.
+ (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
+Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
+Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
+Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Behold the unborn fetus and
+ Weep salt tears crocodilian;
+All life is sacred (save, of course,
+ An enemy civilian).
+%
+Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
+gin.
+ -- Ralph Nader
+%
+Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
+For her life held no terrors.
+A virgin born, a virgin died:
+No hits, no runs, no errors.
+%
+Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all
+evil.
+%
+Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
+%
+Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
+%
+Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
+Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
+the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
+nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
+Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
+the country was hopelessly trapped.
+ -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
+be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
+benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
+is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
+him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
+of knuckles.
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
+
+"Uh, not right now."
+
+"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
+ -- "Real Genius"
+%
+Captain Hook died of jock itch.
+%
+Champagne don't make me lazy.
+Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
+Ain't nobody's business but my own.
+ -- Taj Mahal
+%
+Chaste makes waste.
+%
+Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
+Jack Frost ripping up your nose
+Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
+And folks dressed up like buffaloes
+Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
+Helps to make the season right
+Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
+Will find it hard to see tonight
+They know that Santa's on his way
+He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
+And every mother's child is sure to spy
+To see if reindeer really scream when they die
+And so I'm offering this simple phrase
+To kids from one to ninety two
+Although it's been said many times, many ways
+Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
+%
+Christian, n.:
+ One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
+book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
+follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
+with a life of sin.
+%
+Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
+difficult and not tried.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+Clarke's Third Law:
+ Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
+magic.
+
+G's Third Law:
+ In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
+is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
+
+H's Dictum:
+ There is no magic ...
+%
+Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
+fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
+contrary.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
+
+Oh, give me a clone
+Of my own flesh and bone
+ With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+And when she is grown,
+My very own clone,
+ We'll be of the opposite sex.
+
+Chorus:
+ Clone, clone of my own,
+ With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+ And when we're alone,
+ Since her mind is my own,
+ She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
+ -- Randall Garrett
+%
+Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
+%
+Coito ergo sum
+%
+College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
+later you wish you'd never come.
+%
+Communists do it without class.
+%
+Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
+%
+Conservative, n.:
+ One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
+ -- Leo C. Rosten
+%
+Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
+%
+Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
+%
+Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
+pillage!!
+%
+Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
+This visage meek and humble,
+And hear this confidential plea
+Voiced in reverent mumble:
+ Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
+ But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
+ -- Ansel Adams
+%
+"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
+to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
+himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
+politically. But the designations may be good business for war
+veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
+bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"
+ -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
+%
+Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
+Communist politician is through, he is through.
+%
+Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
+the people.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
+
+ ... Seats 500.
+%
+Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
+%
+Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
+%
+[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
+two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
+
+(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
+ confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
+ a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
+ of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
+ including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
+ cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
+ factory puts them there.
+(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
+ announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
+ piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
+ get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
+ state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
+ where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
+ fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
+ vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
+ impression.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+Do something big -- fuck a giant
+%
+"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
+"Who else?" answered the patient.
+%
+Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
+%
+"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
+ -- Bo Diddley
+%
+Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
+you through times of no dope.
+ -- Gilbert Shelton
+%
+Draft beer, not people
+%
+Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
+%
+Eisenhower was very nice,
+Nixon was his only vice.
+ -- C. Degen
+%
+Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
+ (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
+ sleep in the wet spot.
+ (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
+ themselves.
+ (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
+ married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
+ your brother!
+ (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
+ (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
+ wet.
+ (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
+ boy".
+ (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
+ (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
+ (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
+ pillow.
+ (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
+ (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
+ left it.
+%
+Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
+professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
+male schlemiel.
+ -- Ewald Nyquist
+%
+Evangelists do it with Him watching.
+%
+"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
+just a bit unchivalrous ..."
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
+women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
+handbags are full.
+ -- Earl Wilson
+%
+Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
+licentious, dirty bum!!
+%
+Floppy now, hard later.
+%
+For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
+version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
+offered by Caspar Weinberger:
+
+ "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
+ working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
+
+ -- USA Today, 24 June 1986
+%
+Fornication, n.:
+ Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
+
+Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
+ and you didn't scream?
+A: No ma'am.
+Q: Does that mean you consented?
+A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
+%
+George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
+he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
+punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
+%
+Getting an education at the University of California is like having
+$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
+%
+"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+ "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
+matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
+pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
+merriment.
+ "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
+agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
+lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
+though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
+innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
+were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
+ -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
+%
+God is an atheist.
+%
+GOD is applied POWER
+ which is applied GOVERNMENT
+ which is applied POLITICS
+ which is applied ADVERTISING
+ which is applied SOCIOLOGY
+ which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
+ which is applied BIOLOGY
+ which is applied CHEMISTRY
+ which is applied PHYSICS
+ which is applied MATH
+ which is applied PHILOSOPHY
+ which is applied BULLSHIT
+%
+"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for
+I new that Santa would never lie.
+%
+"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
+%
+God isn't dead -- he's been busted
+%
+God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
+%
+God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
+%
+God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
+where to go.
+ "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
+ "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
+ "Well, how about Mercury?"
+ "No, it's too hot there."
+ "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
+ "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
+there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
+still talking about it."
+%
+Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
+%
+Grain grows best in shit
+ -- Ursula K. LeGuin
+%
+Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
+%
+Great Lover, n.:
+ A man who can breathe through his ears.
+%
+Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
+%
+Hackers do it with bugs.
+%
+Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
+%
+Hackers know all the right MOVs.
+%
+Haggis, n.:
+ Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
+considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
+consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
+other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
+in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
+%
+Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
+to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
+difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
+former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
+facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
+historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
+ankles in bullshit.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
+for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
+attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
+as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
+Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
+finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
+ -- R. E. Masters
+%
+"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
+%
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+ Her husband said, "Vi,
+ When you stitched up his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+%
+He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
+_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
+qualified for!
+ -- Michael Cain
+%
+He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
+damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
+%
+He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
+hands.
+%
+"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
+ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
+stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
+him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
+He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
+this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
+Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
+processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
+longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
+
+ THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
+%
+Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
+in a yak.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
+%
+Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
+the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
+Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
+pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
+court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
+Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
+it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
+his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
+enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
+ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
+that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
+it because the court was going to take a nap.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
+King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
+
+ * Governmental offices
+ * Post offices
+ * Libraries
+ * Schools
+ * Banks
+ * Parts of Palm Beach
+
+and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
+ -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
+i.e., none to speak of.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
+government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
+gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
+lucky to escape with our skins!"
+%
+Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
+ -- John Valby
+%
+Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
+%
+I am an atheist, thank God!
+%
+I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
+once was ... an arctic wilderness
+ -- Steve Martin
+%
+I came; I saw; I fucked up
+%
+I have a funny daddy
+Who goes in and out with me
+And everything that baby does
+Daddy's sure to see,
+And everything that baby says,
+My daddy's sure to tell.
+You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
+I hope he fries in Hell.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
+%
+I once met a lassie named Ruth
+In a long distance telephone booth.
+ Now I know the perfection
+ Of an ideal connection
+Even if somewhat uncouth.
+%
+"I own my own body, but I share"
+%
+I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
+Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
+trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
+go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
+that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
+oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
+commerce.
+ -- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
+ -- Barry Goldwater
+%
+I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
+that has ever happened, and vice versa.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we
+had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
+dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
+from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
+Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
+with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
+them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
+an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
+of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
+to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
+What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
+Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
+the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
+of an Untenured Professor?
+ -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
+%
+I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
+going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
+your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother
+and father.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
+scares the shit out of me.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
+now.
+%
+I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
+"I've just had a good war."
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
+it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
+government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
+watch him have another."
+%
+If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
+work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
+%
+If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
+bit surprised.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
+showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
+corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
+ -- S. J. Perelman
+%
+If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
+James Watt's office.
+ -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
+%
+"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
+apostles."
+%
+If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
+%
+If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
+%
+If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
+%
+If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
+%
+If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
+suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
+fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
+only two went back to women.
+ -- Mort Sahl
+%
+If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
+and never be our destiny.
+ -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
+%
+If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
+should join
+
+ THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
+
+The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
+don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
+addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
+following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
+
+ -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
+ UFOs come.
+ -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
+ -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
+ -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
+ the circle.
+ -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
+ -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
+
+Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
+studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
+done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
+of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
+%
+If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
+in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
+%
+If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
+%
+"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
+buzz-saw."
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
+ -- Robert Burton
+%
+"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
+reality at any point."
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+ In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
+without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
+they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
+and it stinks."
+
+ And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
+"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
+the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
+container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
+before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
+the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
+and none may abide by its strength."
+
+ And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
+Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
+it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
+the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
+growth of the Laboratories."
+
+ And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
+it was Good!
+%
+In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
+Massaging the bust of his madam,
+ He chuckled with mirth,
+ For he knew that on earth,
+There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
+%
+Incest, n.:
+ Sibling revelry.
+%
+"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
+someone writes `bible thumpers?'
+ -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
+%
+It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
+classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
+%
+"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then
+god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
+Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
+lies."
+ -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
+%
+Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
+%
+"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
+ -- Daniel Hinojosa
+%
+Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
+%
+John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
+apoplexy.
+ -- Edward P. Morgan
+%
+Kasha, n.:
+ Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only
+one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
+groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
+help *___you* much.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Kill a commie for Christ!
+%
+Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
+all will end as doves.
+%
+Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
+%
+LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
+
+So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
+%
+... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
+you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
+fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
+stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
+had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
+publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
+Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
+primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
+back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
+neck.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
+%
+Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
+hard you get fucked.
+%
+Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
+%
+Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
+fruits and nuts is flakes.
+%
+Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
+%
+Mathematicians do it in theory.
+%
+Mathematicians take it to the limit.
+%
+May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
+%
+May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
+%
+Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
+nativity scene removed:
+ "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
+and a virgin in the whole organization."
+%
+Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
+ ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
+
+(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
+
+Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
+%
+Missionary Position:
+ The missionary on top.
+%
+"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
+boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
+%
+Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
+ Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
+stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
+%
+My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
+with his head stuck up his ass.
+%
+"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
+saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,
+drunk or sober."
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
+family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
+ -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
+%
+ My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
+Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
+Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
+Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
+Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
+Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
+Users of heroin, often called junkies
+Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
+Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
+
+ On a bad trip
+ When the cops come
+ When I lose my head
+ I simply take more of my favorite drugs
+ And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
+%
+ NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
+"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
+short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
+promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
+our "Big John" doll.)
+%
+No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
+she will or will not be a mother.
+ -- Margaret H. Sanger
+%
+"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Nothing is better than Sex.
+Masturbation is better than nothing.
+Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
+%
+Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
+%
+O'Riordan's Theorem:
+ Brains x Beauty = Constant.
+
+Purmal's Corollary:
+ As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
+availability goes to zero.
+%
+Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
+%
+Occident, n.:
+ The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
+is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
+Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
+they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
+principal industries of the Orient.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Ocean, n.:
+ A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
+man -- who has no gills.
+%
+Once a young gay from Khartoum
+Took a lesbian up to his room.
+ They argued all night
+ Over who had the right
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+%
+Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
+fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
+the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
+After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
+earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
+little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
+warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
+began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
+chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
+he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
+
+There are three morals to this story:
+
+(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
+(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
+(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
+%
+One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
+were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
+nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
+Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
+passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
+"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
+be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
+leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
+democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
+following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
+there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
+Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
+productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
+hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
+there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
+%
+"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
+there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
+Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded
+and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some
+cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
+each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
+Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
+crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
+resources and our taxes."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has
+occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
+ -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
+ Life in the Universe"
+%
+Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
+look at the other guy's.
+ -- Hal Hickman
+%
+Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
+the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
+help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
+basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
+but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
+near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
+with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
+still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
+to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
+probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
+considering whether there were men on base.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
+a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
+national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
+gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
+exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
+never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
+ -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
+%
+ Overheard in a bar:
+Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
+Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
+%
+People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
+citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
+ -- Norman Cousins
+%
+Physicists do it with charm
+%
+Politicians do it to everyone.
+%
+Posterity will ne'er survey
+A nobler grave than this;
+Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
+Stop, traveler, and piss.
+ -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
+%
+Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
+%
+Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
+still come out ahead.
+%
+Q: How do you play religious roulette?
+A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
+ by lightning first.
+%
+Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
+ backyard?
+A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
+%
+Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
+ or an airline stewardess?
+A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says:
+ "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
+ right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
+ mouth and nose, and breath normally."
+%
+Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
+ screwing began.
+%
+Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
+%
+Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
+A: As much as he wants.
+%
+Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
+ be?
+A: A fur coat.
+%
+Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
+A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
+%
+Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
+A: A rebel without a clue.
+%
+Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
+A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
+%
+Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
+A: A cheese grater
+%
+Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
+A: Two hours of begging.
+%
+Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
+A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
+%
+Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
+A: Ugly sheep.
+%
+Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
+A: So she can moan with the other!
+%
+"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
+exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
+devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
+from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
+Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
+weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
+reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
+ -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+Randel, n.:
+ A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
+for farting at a friend.
+ -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
+ Preposterous Words
+%
+Reagan can't _a_c_t either
+%
+Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
+sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
+changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
+grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
+liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
+do with the other.
+ -- Jules Feiffer
+%
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
+country. The remainder is thrown out.
+%
+Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
+Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
+
+Democrats eat the fish they catch.
+Republicans hang them on the wall.
+
+Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
+girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
+
+Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
+Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
+
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
+The remainder is thrown out.
+
+Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
+That is why there are more Democrats.
+ -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
+%
+Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
+any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
+%
+Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
+%
+Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
+"My favorite sport is coitus."
+ But a fullback from State
+ Made her period late,
+And now she has athlete's fetus
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+ "Try as hard as I can,
+ I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with."
+%
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
+ Let _V be virginity
+ Approaching infinity;
+Let _P be a constant persuasion;
+
+"Let _V over _P be inverted
+With the square root of _M_u inserted
+ _N times into _V ...
+ The result, Q.E.D.,
+Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
+%
+Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
+%
+Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
+needed.
+%
+Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
+are unimportant.
+ -- Henry Miller
+%
+Sex is the poor man's opera.
+ -- G. B. Shaw
+%
+She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
+you any other way."
+%
+She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
+candidates for president.
+ -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
+ Elizabeth Gould Davis
+%
+... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
+is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
+1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
+considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
+showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
+would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
+overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
+nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
+Through Swimsuits Issue.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+Sooner or later, generals will own you.
+%
+Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
+%
+Statisticians probably do it.
+%
+Subpoena, n.:
+ From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
+organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
+%
+Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
+ -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
+ the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
+ Association
+%
+Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
+you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
+%
+Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
+forgets?
+%
+"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
+am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
+at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+ The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
+just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
+primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
+and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
+saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
+you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
+time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
+Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
+ So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
+publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
+naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
+naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
+article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
+Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
+others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
+Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
+from the food it produces.
+%
+ The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
+claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
+his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
+
+ "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
+not much good in a fight."
+%
+The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
+cactus has the pricks on the outside.
+%
+... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
+out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
+ -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
+%
+ The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+
+My back aches, my pussy is sore;
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+ I'm covered with sweat,
+ And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+%
+The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
+putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
+%
+THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense
+Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
+jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
+know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set
+it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
+because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10
+warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
+your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
+Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
+Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
+by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
+Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
+Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
+We are talking about a lot of jobs.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
+%
+The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
+on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
+acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke
+French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
+the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
+picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
+ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
+with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After
+dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
+several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
+evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
+drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
+be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
+%
+The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
+chance to prove it.
+%
+The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
+in front every time you want to kiss her.
+%
+The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
+currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
+old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
+are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses
+directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we
+ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
+could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
+the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
+over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
+recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
+are not.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
+dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
+and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
+%
+ The Split-Atom Blues
+
+Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
+ Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
+But if you split those atoms fine,
+ Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
+
+Gimme zits, take my dough,
+ Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
+Call the devil and sell my soul,
+ But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
+ -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
+%
+"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
+curiosity."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
+their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
+the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
+ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that
+its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
+enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The United States Army;
+194 years of proud service,
+unhampered by progress.
+%
+The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
+everybody and still nobody likes him.
+ -- Jim Samuels
+%
+"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
+%
+"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
+ -- Humphrey Bogart
+%
+The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
+almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
+have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
+down in silly puns about "standing erect".
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
+%
+ Them Toad Suckers
+
+How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
+Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
+
+Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
+Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
+
+Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
+Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
+
+Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
+Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
+
+How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
+Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
+ -- Mason Williams
+%
+There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
+contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
+bomb a virgin building is terrific.
+ -- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
+%
+There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
+have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
+America, with all of the military strength of America, those
+revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
+organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
+oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
+ -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
+%
+There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
+%
+"There is a God, but He drinks"
+ -- Blore
+%
+There once was a couple named Kelley,
+Who lived their life belly to belly.
+ Because in their haste
+ They used Library Paste,
+Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
+%
+There once was a fiesty young terrier
+Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
+ He'd yip and he'd yap,
+ Then leap up and snap;
+And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
+%
+There once was a freshman named Lin,
+Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
+ A virgin named Joan
+ From a bible belt home,
+Said "This won't be much of a sin."
+%
+There once was a hacker named Ken
+Who inherited truckloads of Yen
+ So he built him some chicks
+ Of silicon chips
+And hasn't been heard from since then.
+%
+There once was a lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+ One was even so brave
+ As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
+%
+There once was a man named Eugene
+Who invented a screwing machine
+ Concave and convex
+ It served either sex
+And it played with itself in between.
+%
+There once was a plumber from Leigh,
+Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
+ Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
+ I think someone's coming!"
+Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
+%
+There once was a queen of Bulgaria
+Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
+ Till a prince from Peru
+ Who came up for a screw
+Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
+%
+There once was a Scot named McAmeter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+ It was not the size
+ That cause such surprise;
+'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
+%
+There was a bluestocking in Florence
+Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
+ Till a Spanish grandee,
+ Got her off with his knee,
+And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
+%
+There was a gay countess of Bray,
+And you may think it odd when I say,
+ That in spite of high station,
+ Rank and education,
+She always spelled cunt with a "k".
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bliss
+Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
+ For even with Venus
+ His recalcitrant penis
+Would never do better than t
+ h
+ i
+ s
+ .
+%
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Whose cervical cap was a gong.
+ She said with a yell,
+ As a shot rang her bell,
+"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
+%
+There was a young girl named Sapphire
+Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
+ She said, "It's a sin,
+ But now that it's in,
+Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
+%
+There was a young girl of Angina
+Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
+ From the love-making frock
+ (With the proper sized cock)
+Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
+%
+There was a young girl of Darjeeling
+Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
+ There was never a sound
+ For miles around
+Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lad name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+ His father said, "Durcan!
+ Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
+%
+There was a young lady from Maine
+Who claimed she had men on her brain.
+ But you knew from the view,
+ As her abdomen grew,
+It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
+%
+There was a young lady named Clair
+Who possessed a magnificent pair;
+ At least so I thought
+ Till I saw one get caught
+On a thorn, and begin losing air.
+%
+There was a young lady named Hall,
+Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
+ The dress caught on fire
+ And burned her entire
+Front page, sporting section, and all.
+%
+There was a young lady named Twiss
+Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
+ For it tickled her bum
+ And caused her to come
+.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
+%
+There was a young lady of Norway
+Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
+ She said to her beau
+ "Just look at me Joe
+I think I've discovered one more way."
+%
+There was a young man from Bel-Aire
+Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
+ But the banister broke
+ So he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
+%
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+ His wife was a bitch,
+ And she threw the switch,
+As Crockett went off like a rocket.
+%
+There was a young man of Cape Horn
+Who wished he had never been born,
+ And he wouldn't have been
+ If his father had seen
+That the end of the rubber was torn.
+%
+There was a young man of St. John's
+Who wanted to bugger the swans.
+ But the loyal hall porter
+ Said, "Pray take my daughter!
+Those birds are reserved for the dons."
+%
+There was a young whore from kaloo
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+ She said with a grin,
+ "If they pay to get in,
+They can pay to get out again too!"
+%
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+ When he got into bed,
+ The old woman said,
+"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+%
+There was an old pirate named Bates
+Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
+ He fell on his cutlass
+ Which rendered him nutless
+And practically useless on dates.
+%
+There were the Scots
+Who kept the Sabbath
+And everything else they could lay their hands on.
+Then there were the Welsh
+Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
+Thirdly there were the Irish
+Who never knew what they wanted
+But were willing to fight for it anyway.
+Lastly there were the English
+Who considered themselves a self-made nation
+Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
+%
+There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I
+really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do
+anything to me.
+ -- John Wayne
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+ Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+ Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+ Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
+%
+There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
+and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
+ -- Billy Joel
+%
+There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
+ -- David Mairowitz
+%
+This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
+actual emergency, you would have known it!
+%
+This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
+%
+This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
+"di-dah" for the filthy words:
+
+ Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
+ Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
+ di-dah di-dah di-dah?
+ Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
+ Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
+%
+This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
+personal to various situations.
+
+You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
+in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
+egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
+Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
+bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
+
+YOU SHOULD:
+
+(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
+(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
+(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
+%
+Thou shalt not omit adultery.
+%
+To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
+%
+"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
+name."
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
+Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
+All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
+And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
+
+"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
+The looks that melt, the claws that and through
+ catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
+Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
+The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
+
+He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
+Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
+ sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
+So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
+And paused to smoke some pot.
+ 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
+ Did groove and trip out at the pad:
+ All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
+ And the Radcliffe undergrad.
+%
+ Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
+how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
+you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
+ All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
+their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
+ "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
+His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
+room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
+ "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
+it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
+%
+"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
+opposite."
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
+or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
+noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
+ -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
+%
+Vidi, vici, veni.
+(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
+%
+Virgin, n.:
+ An ugly third grader.
+%
+War is menstruation envy.
+%
+"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
+%
+"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
+hand."
+ -- James Watt
+%
+We have reason to believe that man first
+walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
+country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
+[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
+reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
+Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
+Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
+unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
+though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
+President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
+they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
+George talk.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
+my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
+you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
+%
+Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
+great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just
+felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
+him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor
+quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
+than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
+bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
+ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
+to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
+jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
+was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
+"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
+elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
+picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
+orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
+The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
+"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
+pissed."
+%
+What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
+%
+What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
+A Dan Quayle watch.
+%
+What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
+Ford?
+
+Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
+%
+ "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
+didn't believe in God."
+ "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
+God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
+not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
+ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+When God created man, She was only testing.
+%
+When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
+ -- Charles Merrill Smith
+%
+"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
+can't happen."
+ -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
+%
+When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
+rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
+%
+ When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
+operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
+would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
+thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
+patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
+%
+While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
+Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
+ She explained, "They are flat,
+ But think nothing of that --
+You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
+%
+"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
+so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
+time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
+%
+Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
+horses?
+ -- G. Gordon Liddy
+%
+Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
+then she isn't good enough for you.
+%
+Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
+%
+Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
+ -- Graffito in a women's restroom
+%
+Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
+%
+Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
+problem down the hall?
+%
+"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
+the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
+ -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
+%
+You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
+wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
+(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's
+age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are
+introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
+handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
+such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!"
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
+only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively,
+as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
+uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
+no-no, you:
+
+(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
+ motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
+ joint.
+
+(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
+ to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
+
+(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up,
+ blow your nose on your sock.
+%
+You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
+your girlfriend gets the munchies!
+%
+You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
+ -- Frederick B. Artz
+%
+You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
+pick your friend's nose.
+%
+You can't underestimate the power of fear.
+ -- Tricia Nixon
+%
+You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
+get back inside.
+ -- Heathcote Williams
+%
+You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
+and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
+there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
+
+(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
+ name.
+
+(b) Ask what position she played.
+
+(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
+%
+You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
+proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
+proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
+into your coffee. You:
+
+(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
+
+(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
+
+(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
+ basket.
+%
+"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
+to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
+ -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real.rot13 b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real.rot13
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..ade8a606
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real.rot13
@@ -0,0 +1,2018 @@
+71:
+ 69 jvgu gjb svatref hc lbhe nff.
+ -- Trbetr Pneyva
+%
+N ongure jubfr pybguvat jnf fgerjrq
+Ol oerrmrf gung yrsg ure dhvgr ahqr,
+ Fnj n zna pbzr nybat
+ Naq, hayrff V'z dhvgr jebat,
+Lbh rkcrpgrq guvf yvar gb or yrjq.
+%
+N orng fpuvmbcueravp fnvq, "Zr?
+V nz abg V, V'z n gerr."
+ Ohg nabgure, zber fnar,
+ Fubhgrq, "V'z n Terng Qnar!"
+Naq pbirerq uvf cnagf yrt jvgu crr.
+%
+N ohernhpenpl vf yvxr n frcgvp gnax -- nyy gur ernyyl ovt fuvgf sybng
+gb gur gbc.
+%
+N Puevfgvna vf n zna jub srryf ercragnapr ba Fhaqnl sbe jung ur qvq ba
+Fngheqnl naq vf tbvat gb qb ba Zbaqnl.
+ -- Gubznf Loneen
+%
+N pbafreingvir vf n zna jub oryvrirf gung abguvat fubhyq or qbar sbe
+gur svefg gvzr.
+ -- Nyserq R. Jvttnz
+%
+N pbafreingvir vf n zna jvgu gjb cresrpgyl tbbq yrtf jub unf arire
+yrnearq gb jnyx.
+ -- Senaxyva Q. Ebbfriryg
+%
+N sevraq jvgu jrrq vf n sevraq vaqrrq.
+%
+N uneq zna vf tbbq gb svaq.
+%
+N zna arrqf n zvfgerff, whfg gb oernx gur zbabtnzl.
+%
+N zngurzngvpvna anzrq Unyy
+Unf n urknurqebavpny onyy,
+ Naq gur phor bs vgf jrvtug
+ Gvzrf uvf crpxre'f, cyhf rvtug
+Vf uvf cubar ahzore -- tvir uvz n pnyy..
+%
+"N Zbezba vf n zna gung unf gur onq gnfgr naq gur eryvtvba gb qb jung n
+tbbq znal bgure crbcyr ner erfgenvarq sebz qbvat ol pbafpvragvbhf
+fpehcyrf naq gur cbyvpr."
+ -- Ze. Qbbyrl
+%
+N Avkba [vf cersrenoyr gb] n Qrna Ehfx -- jub jvyy or cnffvbangryl
+jebat jvgu n uvtu frafr bs pbafvfgrapl.
+ -- W. X. Tnyoenvgu
+%
+N aba-irtrgnevna nagv-nobegvbavfg vf n pbagenqvpgvba va grezf.
+ -- Culyyvf Fpuynsyl
+%
+N alzcu uvgf lbh naq fgrnyf lbhe ivetvavgl.
+%
+N crefba jub unf obgu srrg cynagrq svezyl va gur nve pna or fnsryl
+pnyyrq n yvoreny.
+%
+N cerggl lbhat ynql anzrq Ibtry
+Bapr fng urefrys qbja ba n zbyruvyy.
+ N phevbhf zbyr
+ Abfrq vagb ure ubyr --
+Zf. Ibtry'f bx, ohg gur zbyr'f vyy.
+%
+N cerggl lbhat znvqra sebz Senapr
+Qrpvqrq fur'q "whfg gnxr n punapr."
+ Fur yrg urefrys tb
+ Sbe na ubhe be fb
+Naq abj nyy ure fvfgref ner nhagf.
+%
+N Chevgna vf fbzrbar jub vf qrnguyl nsenvq gung fbzrbar, fbzrjurer, vf
+univat sha.
+%
+N ernpgvbanel vf n zna jubfr cbyvgvpny bcvavbaf nyjnlf znantr gb xrrc
+hc jvgu lrfgreqnl.
+%
+N erznexnoyr enpr ner gur Crefvnaf;
+Gurl unir fhpu crphyvne qvirefvbaf.
+ Gurl znxr ybir gur jubyr qnl
+ Va gur hfhny jnl
+Naq fnir hc gur avtugf sbe creirefvbaf.
+%
+N grnz cynlvat onfronyy va Qnyynf
+Pnyyrq gur hzcver oyvaq bhg bs znyvpr.
+ Juvyr guvf jbegul unq svgf
+ Gur grnz znqr rvtug uvgf
+Naq n tvey va gur oyrnpuref anzrq Nyvpr.
+%
+N jnagba lbhat ynql sebz Jvzyrl
+Ercebnpurq sbe abg npgvat dhvgr cevzyl
+ Fnvq, "Urniraf nobir!
+ V xabj frk vfa'g ybir,
+Ohg vg'f fhpu na ragenapvat snpfvzvyr."
+%
+N jvqbj jub snapvrq n zna fbzr
+Jnf qvqqyrq guerr gvzrf va n unafbzr.
+ Jura fur pynzberq sbe zber
+ Ure lbhat zna orpnzr fber
+Naq rkpynvzrq "Zl anzr'f Fvzcfba abg Fnzfba."
+%
+"N jbzna vf yvxr n qerffre ... fbzr zna nyjnlf tbva' guebhtu ure
+qenjref."
+ -- Oyvaq Yrzba Cyrqtr
+%
+N jbeevrq lbhat zna sebz Fgnzobhy
+Sbhaqf ybgf bs erq fcbgf ba uvf gbby.
+ Fnvq gur qbpgbe, n plavp,
+ "Trg bhg bs zl pyvavp;
+Whfg jvcr bss gur yvcfgvpx, lbh sbby!"
+%
+N.V. unpxref qb vg jvgu ebobgf.
+%
+Nofvagur znxrf gur gneg tebj sbaqre.
+%
+"Npprcgnapr jvgubhg cebbs vf gur shaqnzragny punenpgrevfgvp bs Jrfgrea
+eryvtvba, Erwrpgvba jvgubhg cebbs vf gur shaqnzragny punenpgrevfgvp bs
+Jrfgrea fpvrapr."
+ -- Tnel Mhxni, "Gur Qnapvat Jh Yv Znfgref"
+%
+Npuvyyrf' Ovbybtvpny Svaqvatf:
+ (1) Vs n puvyq ybbxf yvxr uvf sngure, gung'f urerqvgl. Vs ur
+ ybbxf yvxr n arvtuobe, gung'f raivebazrag.
+ (2) N ybg bs gvzr unf orra jnfgrq nethvat bire jung pnzr svefg
+ -- gur puvpxra be gur rtt. Vg jnf haqbhogrqyl gur
+ ebbfgre.
+%
+Nvqr gb Enltha: Fve, gur cbbe ner bhgfvqr cebgrfgvat lbhe ohqtrg
+ phgf.
+Enltha uvzfrys: Gryy gurz gurl'yy unir gb uryc gurzfryirf.
+Nvqr gb Enltha: Fve, gur Cragntba jnagf nabgure $30 ovyyvba.
+Enltha uvzfrys: Gryy gurz gb uryc gurzfryirf.
+%
+Nyy n unpxre arrqf vf n gvtug CHFUW, n ybbfr cnve bs HHBf, naq n jnez
+cynpr gb fuvsg.
+%
+Nyy gur jngref bs gur rnegu ner va gur nezcvg bs gur Terng Sebt.
+ -- E. Pehzo
+%
+Nyy guvatf qhyy naq htyl, Nyy perngherf fubeg naq fdhng,
+ Nyy guvatf ehqr naq anfgl, Gur Ybeq Tbq znqr gur ybg;
+Rnpu yvggyr fanxr gung cbvfbaf, Rnpu yvggyr jnfc gung fgvatf,
+ Ur znqr gurve oehgvfu irabz, Ur znqr gurve ubeevq jvatf.
+Nyy guvatf fvpx naq pnaprebhf, Nyy rivy terng naq fznyy,
+ Nyy guvatf sbhy naq qnatrebhf, Gur Ybeq Tbq znqr gurz nyy.
+Rnpu anfgl yvggyr ubearg, Rnpu ornfgyl yvggyr fdhvq.
+ Jub znqr gur fcvxrl hepuva? Jub znqr gur funexf? Ur qvq.
+Nyy guvatf fpnoorq naq hyprebhf, Nyy cbk obgu terng naq fznyy.
+ Chgevq, sbhy naq tnaterabhf, Gur Ybeq Tbq znqr gurz nyy.
+ -- Zbagl Clguba'f Sylvat Pvephf
+%
+Nzrevpn vf n ynetr, sevraqyl qbt va n irel fznyy ebbz. Rirel gvzr vg
+jntf vgf gnvy, vg xabpxf bire n punve.
+ -- Neabyq Wbfrcu Gblaorr
+%
+Na nepuvgrpg sryybj anzrq Lbevp
+Pbhyq, jura srryvat rhcubevp,
+ Qvfcynl sbe fryrpgvba
+ Guerr xvaqf bs rerpgvba --
+Pbevaguvna, vbavp, naq qbevp.
+%
+Na Nezl geniryf ba ure fgbznpu.
+%
+Na rtt unf gur fubegrfg frk-yvsr bs nyy: vs trgf ynvq bapr; vg trgf
+rngra bapr. Vg nyfb unf gb pbzr va n obk jvgu 11 bguref, naq gur bayl
+crefba jub jvyy fvg ba vgf snpr vf vgf zbgure.
+%
+"Naq Ormry fnvqrgu hagb Funz: `Funz,' ur fnvqrgu, `Gubh funyg tbrfg
+hagb gur gbja bs Ortbeenu, naq gurer gubh funyg srgpurgu hagb guvar
+obfbz 35 gnyragf, naq nyfb funyg gubh srgpurgu n yvxr ahzore bs phovgf,
+cebivqrgu gung gurl ner avpr naq serfu.'"
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Trggvat Eryvtvba"
+%
+ Naq Wrfhf fnvq hagb gurz, "Naq jubz qb lbh fnl gung V nz?"
+ Gurl ercyvrq, "Lbh ner gur rfpungbybtvpny znavsrfgngvba bs gur
+tebhaq bs bhe orvat, gur bagbybtvpny sbhaqngvba bs gur pbagrkg bs bhe
+irel frysubbq erirnyrq."
+ Naq Wrfhf ercyvrq, "Jung?"
+%
+... Naq gura gurer'f gur thl jub obhtug 20,000 oenf, phg gurz va unys,
+naq fbyq 40,000 lnznypunf jvgu puva fgencf ...
+%
+Nakvrgl, a.:
+ Gur svefg gvzr lbh pna'g qb vg n frpbaq gvzr.
+
+Cnavp, a.:
+ Gur frpbaq gvzr lbh pna'g qb vg gur svefg gvzr.
+%
+"Nalguvat perngrq zhfg arprffnevyl or vasrevbe gb gur rffrapr bs gur perngbe."
+ -- Pynhqr Fubhfr
+
+"Rvafgrva'f zbgure zhfg unir orra bar urpx bs n culfvpvfg."
+ -- Wbfrcu P. Jnat
+%
+"Nccebkvzngryl 80% bs bhe nve cbyyhgvba fgrzf sebz ulqebpneobaf
+eryrnfrq ol irtrgngvba, fb yrg'f abg tb bireobneq va frggvat naq
+rasbepvat gbhtu rzvffvbaf fgnaqneqf sebz zna-znqr fbheprf."
+ -- Ebanyq Erntna
+%
+Onpx va gur tbbq byr qnlf va Grknf, jura fgntrpbnpurf naq gur yvxr jnf
+cbchyne, gurer jrer guerr crbcyr va n fgntrpbnpu bar qnl: n gehr erq-
+oybbqrq obea-naq-envfrq Grknf tragyrzna, n graqresbbg pvgl-fyvpxre sebz
+onpx Rnfg, naq n ornhgvshy naq jryy-raqbjrq Grknf ynql. Gur pvgl-
+fyvpxre xrcg rlrvat gur ynql, naq svanyyl ur yrnarq sbejneq naq fnvq,
+"Ynql, V'yy tvir lbh $10 sbe n oybj wbo." Gur Grknf tragyrzna ybbxrq
+nccnyyrq, chyyrq bhg uvf cvfgby, naq xvyyrq gur pvgl-fyvpxre ba gur
+fcbg. Gur ynql tnfcrq naq fnvq, "Gunax lbh, fhu, sbe qrsraqva' znu
+ubabe!" Jurerhcba gur Grkna ubyfgrerq uvf tha naq fnvq, "Lbhe ubabe,
+uryy! Ab graqresbbg vf tbaan envfr gur cevpr bs jbzra va Grknf!"
+%
+Onygvzber, a.:
+ Jurer gur jbzra jrne ghegyrarpx fjrngref gb uvqr gurve syrn
+pbyynef.
+%
+Onaxref qb vg jvgu vagrerfg (cranygl sbe rneyl jvguqenjny).
+%
+"Onfrq ba jung lbh xabj nobhg uvz va uvfgbel obbxf, jung qb lbh guvax
+Noenunz Yvapbya jbhyq or qbvat vs ur jrer nyvir gbqnl?
+
+ (1) Jevgvat uvf zrzbvef bs gur Pvivy Jne.
+ (2) Nqivfvat gur Cerfvqrag.
+ (3) Qrfcrengryl pynjvat ng gur vafvqr bs uvf pbssva."
+ -- Qnivq Yrggrezna
+%
+Or cercnerq... gung'f gur Obl Fpbhg'f fbyrza perrq.
+Or cercnerq... gb or pyrna va jbeq naq qrrq.
+Qba'g fbyvpvg sbe lbhe fvfgre, gung'f abg avpr,
+Hayrff lbh trg n tbbq crepragntr bs ure cevpr ...
+ -- Gbz Yruere
+%
+Orubyq gur haobea srghf naq
+ Jrrc fnyg grnef pebpbqvyvna;
+Nyy yvsr vf fnperq (fnir, bs pbhefr,
+ Na rarzl pvivyvna).
+%
+Orvat fgbarq ba znevwhnan vfa'g irel qvssrerag sebz orvat fgbarq ba
+tva.
+ -- Enycu Anqre
+%
+Orarngu guvf fgbar n ivetva yvrf,
+Sbe ure yvsr uryq ab greebef.
+N ivetva obea, n ivetva qvrq:
+Ab uvgf, ab ehaf, ab reebef.
+%
+Orjner bs nygehvfz. Vg vf onfrq ba frys-qrprcgvba, gur ebbg bs nyy
+rivy.
+%
+Oyrffrq ner gur zrrx sbe gurl funyy vauvovg gur rnegu.
+%
+Obbmr vf gur nafjre. V qba'g erzrzore gur dhrfgvba.
+%
+Ohvyq n orggre zbhfrgenc, gur fnlvat tbrf -- naq jvgu gur oenffvrer,
+Lnaxrr Vatrahvgl qvq rknpgyl gung. Ohg gurve gehr fgebxr bs travhf jnf
+gur arj onvg. Gur byq snfuvbarq zbhfrgenc jnf ybnqrq jvgu purrfr;
+abobql pnerf zhpu nobhg purrfr, rkprcg zvpr. Ohg jura Nzrevpna
+Xabj-Ubj erybnqrq gur oenffvrer jvgu gvgf, rirel urgrebfrkhny znyr va
+gur pbhagel jnf ubcryrffyl genccrq.
+ -- Nyna Furezna, "Gur Encr bs gur N*C*R*"
+%
+... Ohg gur erjneq bs n fhpprffshy pbyynobengvba vf n guvat gung pnaabg
+or cebqhprq ol rvgure bs gur cnegvrf jbexvat nybar. Vg vf nxva gb gur
+orarsvgf bs frk jvgu n cnegare, nf bccbfrq gb znfgheongvba. Gur ynggre
+vf sha, ohg lbh fubj zr nalbar jub unf tbggra n onol sebz cynlvat jvgu
+uvz be urefrys, naq V'yy fubj lbh na htyl onol, jvgu whfg n jubyr ohapu
+bs xahpxyrf.
+ -- Uneyna Ryyvfba
+%
+"Pnyvsbeavn vf cebhq gb or gur ubzr bs gur serrjnl."
+ -- Ebanyq Erntna
+%
+"Pna lbh unzzre n 6-vapu fcvxr vagb n jbbqra cynax jvgu lbhe cravf?"
+
+"Hu, abg evtug abj."
+
+"Gfx. N tvey unf gb unir fbzr fgnaqneqf."
+ -- "Erny Travhf"
+%
+Pncgnva Ubbx qvrq bs wbpx vgpu.
+%
+Punzcntar qba'g znxr zr ynml.
+Pbpnvar qba'g qevir zr penml.
+Nva'g abobql'f ohfvarff ohg zl bja.
+ -- Gnw Znuny
+%
+Punfgr znxrf jnfgr.
+%
+Puvczhaxf ebnfgvat ba na bcra sver
+Wnpx Sebfg evccvat hc lbhe abfr
+Lhyrgvqr pnebyref orvat guebja va gur sver
+Naq sbyxf qerffrq hc yvxr ohssnybrf
+Rirelobql xabjf n ghexrl fynhtugrerq va gur fabj
+Urycf gb znxr gur frnfba evtug
+Gval gbgf jvgu gurve rlrf nyy tbhtrq bhg
+Jvyy svaq vg uneq gb frr gbavtug
+Gurl xabj gung Fnagn'f ba uvf jnl
+Ur'f ybnqrq ybgf bs thaf naq ohyyrgf ba uvf fyrvtu
+Naq rirel zbgure'f puvyq vf fher gb fcl
+Gb frr vs ervaqrre ernyyl fpernz jura gurl qvr
+Naq fb V'z bssrevat guvf fvzcyr cuenfr
+Gb xvqf sebz bar gb avargl gjb
+Nygubhtu vg'f orra fnvq znal gvzrf, znal jnlf
+Zreel Puevfgznf, Zreel Puevfgznf, Zreel Puevfgznf, Shpx lbh!!
+%
+Puevfgvna, a.:
+ Bar jub oryvrirf gung gur Arj Grfgnzrag vf n qvivaryl vafcverq
+obbx nqzvenoyl fhvgrq gb gur fcvevghny arrqf bs uvf arvtuobe. Bar jub
+sbyybjf gur grnpuvatf bs Puevfg va fb sne nf gurl ner abg vapbafvfgrag
+jvgu n yvsr bs fva.
+%
+Puevfgvnavgl unf abg orra gevrq naq sbhaq jnagvat; vg unf orra sbhaq
+qvssvphyg naq abg gevrq.
+ -- T. X. Purfgregba
+%
+Pynexr'f Guveq Ynj:
+ Nal fhssvpvragyl nqinaprq grpuabybtl vf vaqvfgvathvfunoyr sebz
+zntvp.
+
+T'f Guveq Ynj:
+ Va fcvgr bs nyy rivqrapr gb gur pbagenel, gur ragver havirefr
+vf pbzcbfrq bs bayl gjb onfvp fhofgnaprf: zntvp naq ohyyfuvg.
+
+U'f Qvpghz:
+ Gurer vf ab zntvp ...
+%
+Pynhqr oryvrirq gung bayl fzneg nggenpgvir crbcyr unq gur evtug gb
+shpx, naq vg fvapreryl uheg uvz jura ur qvfpbirerq rivqrapr gb gur
+pbagenel.
+ -- Gbz Eboovaf
+%
+PYBAR BS ZL BJA (gb Ubzr ba gur Enatr)
+
+Bu, tvir zr n pybar
+Bs zl bja syrfu naq obar
+ Jvgu gur L puebzbfbzr punatrq gb K.
+Naq jura fur vf tebja,
+Zl irel bja pybar,
+ Jr'yy or bs gur bccbfvgr frk.
+
+Pubehf:
+ Pybar, pybar bs zl bja,
+ Jvgu gur L puebzbfbzr punatrq gb K.
+ Naq jura jr'er nybar,
+ Fvapr ure zvaq vf zl bja,
+ Fur'yy or guvaxvat bs abguvat ohg frk.
+ -- Enaqnyy Tneergg
+%
+Pbpnvar vf angher'f jnl bs gryyvat lbh lbh unir gbb zhpu zbarl.
+%
+Pbvgb retb fhz
+%
+Pbyyrtr vf yvxr n jbzna -- lbh jbex fb uneq gb trg va, naq avar zbaguf
+yngre lbh jvfu lbh'q arire pbzr.
+%
+Pbzzhavfgf qb vg jvgubhg pynff.
+%
+Pbaqbzf ner yvxr yvfgravat gb n flzcubal jvgu pbggba va lbhe rnef.
+%
+Pbafreingvir, a.:
+ Bar jub nqzverf enqvpnyf praghevrf nsgre gurl'er qrnq.
+ -- Yrb P. Ebfgra
+%
+Pbafreir raretl -- znxr ybir zber fybjyl.
+%
+Phaavyvathf vf arkg gb tbqyvarff.
+%
+Qnzzvg, ubj znal gvzrf qb V unir gb gryy lbh? _____SVEFG lbh encr, ____GURA lbh
+cvyyntr!!
+%
+Qrne Ybeq, bofreir guvf oraqrq xarr
+Guvf ivfntr zrrx naq uhzoyr,
+Naq urne guvf pbasvqragvny cyrn
+Ibvprq va erirerag zhzoyr:
+ Tvir zr Fulybpx, tvir zr Sntva
+ Ohg B Tbq fcner zr Ebanyq Erntna!
+ -- Nafry Nqnzf
+%
+"Qrne Ze. Fryqrf: V pnaabg erzrzore gur rknpg jbeqvat bs gur fgngrzrag
+gb juvpu lbh nyyhqr; ohg jung V zrnag jnf gung ... n zna jub pnyyf
+uvzfrys n 100% Nzrevpna naq vf cebhq bs vg, vf trarenyyl 150% na vqvbg
+cbyvgvpnyyl. Ohg gur qrfvtangvbaf znl or tbbq ohfvarff sbe jne
+irgrenaf. Univat oyrq sbe gurve pbhagel va 1861 naq 1918, gurl unir
+oyrq vg nyy gurl pbhyq pbafrdhragyl. Naq jul abg?"
+ -- Trbetr Fryqrf, "Gur Terng Dhbgngvbaf"
+%
+Qrzbpenpl pna yrnea fbzr guvatf sebz Pbzzhavfz: sbe rknzcyr, jura n
+Pbzzhavfg cbyvgvpvna vf guebhtu, ur vf guebhtu.
+%
+Qrzbpenpl zrnaf fvzcyl gur oyhqtrbavat bs gur crbcyr ol gur crbcyr sbe
+gur crbcyr.
+ -- Bfpne Jvyqr
+%
+Qvq lbh urne nobhg gur arj Trezna zvpebjnir bira?
+
+ ... Frngf 500.
+%
+Qvq lbh xabj gung Fcveb Ntarj vf na nantenz bs "Tebj n Cravf"
+%
+Qvq lbh xabj gung gurer ner 71.9 nperf bs avccyr gvffhr va gur H.F.?
+%
+[Qvfgevpg Nggbearlf] yrnea va Qvfgevpg Nggbearl Fpubby gung gurer ner
+gjb fher-sver jnlf gb trg n ybg bs snibenoyr choyvpvgl:
+
+(1) Tb qbja naq envq nyy gur ybpxref va gur ybpny uvtu fpubby naq
+ pbasvfpngr 53 znevwhnan pvtnerggrf naq chg gurz va n cvyr naq ubyq
+ n cerff pbasrerapr jurer lbh naabhapr gung gurl unir n fgerrg inyhr
+ bs $850 zvyyvba. Gurfr envqf arire snvy, orpnhfr NYY uvtu fpubbyf,
+ vapyhqvat oenaq-arj, arire-hfrq barf, unir ng yrnfg 53 znevwhnan
+ pvtnerggrf va gur ybpxref. Nf sne nf nalbar pna gryy, gur ybpxre
+ snpgbel chgf gurz gurer.
+(2) Envq na "nqhyg obbx fgber" naq ubyq n cerff pbasrerapr jurer lbh
+ naabhapr lbh ner punetvat gur bjare jvgu 850 pbhagf bs orvat n
+ cvrpr bs uhzna fyrnmr. Guvf nyfb arire snvyf, orpnhfr lbh nyjnlf
+ trg n pbaivpgvba. N whebe ng n cbeabtencul gevny vf abg nobhg gb
+ fgngr sbe gur erpbeq gung ur svaqf abguvat bofprar nobhg n zbivr
+ jurer npgbef ratntr va frkhny npgvivgvrf jvgu yvir fanxrf naq n
+ sver rkgvathvfure. Ur vf tbvat gb pbaivpg gur obbxfgber bjare, naq
+ ibgr sbe gur qrngu cranygl whfg gb znxr fher abobql trgf gur jebat
+ vzcerffvba.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Cbeabtencul"
+%
+Qb fbzrguvat ovt -- shpx n tvnag
+%
+"Qb lbh purng ba lbhe jvsr?" nfxrq gur cflpuvngevfg.
+"Jub ryfr?" nafjrerq gur cngvrag.
+%
+Qbpgbef gnxr gjb nfcveva naq qb vg va gur zbeavat.
+%
+"Qba'g yrg lbhe zbhgu jevgr ab purpx gung lbhe gnvy pna'g pnfu."
+ -- Ob Qvqqyrl
+%
+Qbcr jvyy trg lbh guebhtu gvzrf bs ab zbarl orggre gung zbarl jvyy trg
+lbh guebhtu gvzrf bs ab qbcr.
+ -- Tvyoreg Furygba
+%
+Qensg orre, abg crbcyr
+%
+Rng gur evpu -- gur cbbe ner gbhtu naq fgevatl.
+%
+Rvfraubjre jnf irel avpr,
+Avkba jnf uvf bayl ivpr.
+ -- P. Qrtra
+%
+Ryrira ernfbaf n phphzore vf orggre guna n zna:
+ (1) Phphzoref pna fgnl hc nyy avtug, naq lbh jba'g unir gb
+ fyrrc va gur jrg fcbg.
+ (2) Phphzoref qba'g cynl gur thvgne naq gel gb svaq
+ gurzfryirf.
+ (3) Lbh jba'g svaq bhg yngre gung lbhe phphzore (n) vf
+ zneevrq, (o) vf ba cravpvyyva, (p) yvxrf lbh -- ohg ybirf
+ lbhe oebgure!
+ (4) N phphzore jba'g pner jung gvzr bs gur zbagu vg vf.
+ (5) N phphzore arire jnagf gb trg vg ba jura lbhe anvyf ner
+ jrg.
+ (6) Phphzoref qba'g fnl "Yrg'f xrrc gelvat hagvy jr unir n
+ obl".
+ (7) Phphzoref jba'g gryy lbh fvmr qbrfa'g pbhag.
+ (8) N phphzore jba'g yrnir lbh sbe n purreyrnqre be na rk-aha.
+ (9) Phphzoref qba'g snyy nfyrrc ba lbhe purfg be qebby ba gur
+ cvyybj.
+ (10) Phphzoref qba'g pner vs lbh znxr zber zbarl guna gurl qb.
+ (11) Jvgu n phphzore, gur gbvyrg frng vf nyjnlf gur jnl lbh
+ yrsg vg.
+%
+Rdhnyvgl vf abg jura n srznyr Rvafgrva trgf cebzbgrq gb nffvfgnag
+cebsrffbe; rdhnyvgl vf jura n srznyr fpuyrzvry zbirf nurnq nf snfg nf n
+znyr fpuyrzvry.
+ -- Rjnyq Aldhvfg
+%
+Rinatryvfgf qb vg jvgu Uvz jngpuvat.
+%
+"Rira abjnqnlf n zna pna'g fgrc hc naq xvyy n jbzna jvgubhg srryvat
+whfg n ovg hapuvinyebhf ..."
+ -- Eboreg Orapuyrl
+%
+Srzvavfgf fnl 60 creprag bs gur pbhagel'f jrnygu vf va gur unaqf bs
+jbzra. Gurl'er yrggvat zra ubyq gur bgure 40 creprag orpnhfr gurve
+unaqontf ner shyy.
+ -- Rney Jvyfba
+%
+Svr sbe funzr, lbh ynfpvivbhf, yrjq, yrpurebhf, yvovqvabhf, yhfgshy,
+yvpragvbhf, qvegl ohz!!
+%
+Sybccl abj, uneq yngre.
+%
+Sbe gubfr bs lbh ubj unir orra ybbxvat sbe rivqrapr gung n jbexvat
+irefvba bs "Fgne Jnef" pna or ohvyg, pbafvqre gur sbyybjvat cebbs
+bssrerq ol Pnfcne Jrvaoretre:
+
+ "Vs fhpu n flfgrz vf fb hanggnvanoyr, jul unir gur Fbivrgf orra
+ jbexvat qrfcrengryl gb trg vg sbe bire 17 lrnef?"
+
+ -- HFN Gbqnl, 24 Whar 1986
+%
+Sbeavpngvba, a.:
+ Grez hfrq ol crbcyr jub qba'g unir nalobql gb fperj jvgu.
+%
+Sbeghar'f Erny-Yvsr Pbhegebbz Dhbgr #25:
+
+D: Lbh fnl lbh unq guerr zra chapuvat ng lbh, xvpxvat lbh, encvat lbh,
+ naq lbh qvqa'g fpernz?
+N: Ab zn'nz.
+D: Qbrf gung zrna lbh pbafragrq?
+N: Ab, zn'nz. Gung zrnaf V jnf hapbafpvbhf.
+%
+Trbetr Jnfuvatgba abg bayl pubccrq qbja uvf sngure'f pureel gerr, ohg
+ur nyfb nqzvggrq qbvat vg. Abj, qb lbh xabj jul uvf sngure qvqa'g
+chavfu uvz? Orpnhfr Trbetr fgvyy unq gur nkr va uvf unaq.
+%
+Trggvat na rqhpngvba ng gur Havirefvgl bs Pnyvsbeavn vf yvxr univat
+$50.00 fubirq hc lbhe nff, n avpxry ng n gvzr.
+%
+"Tb gb Urnira sbe gur pyvzngr, Uryy sbe gur pbzcnal."
+ -- Znex Gjnva
+%
+ "Tbq ohvyg n pbzcryyvat frk qevir vagb rirel perngher, ab
+znggre jung fglyr bs shpxvat vg cenpgvprq. Ur znqr frk veerfvfgvoyl
+cyrnfhenoyr, jvyqyl wblbhf, serr sebz srnef. Ur znqr vg vaabprag
+zreevzrag.
+ "Arrqyrff gb fnl, shpxvat jnf na vzzrqvngr fznfu uvg. Rirelbar
+nterrq, sebz nneqinexf gb mroenf. Nyy gur wbyyl navznyf -- yvbaf naq
+ynzof, euvabprebfrf naq tnmryyrf, fxlynexf naq ybofgref, rira vafrpgf,
+gubhtu zbfg bs gurz shpx bayl bapr va n yvsrgvzr -- shpxrq nybat
+vaabpragyl naq zreevyl sbe uhaqerqf bs zvyyvbaf bs lrnef. Znlor gurl
+jrer qhzo navznyf, ohg gurl xarj n tbbq guvat jura gurl unq bar."
+ -- Nyna Furezna, "Gur Encr bs gur N*C*R*"
+%
+Tbq tvirf hf eryngvirf; gunax tbbqarff jr pna pubfr bhe sevraqf.
+%
+Tbq vf na ngurvfg.
+%
+TBQ vf nccyvrq CBJRE
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq TBIREAZRAG
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq CBYVGVPF
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq NQIREGVFVAT
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq FBPVBYBTL
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq CFLPUBYBTL
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq OVBYBTL
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq PURZVFGEL
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq CULFVPF
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq ZNGU
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq CUVYBFBCUL
+ juvpu vf nccyvrq OHYYFUVG
+%
+"Tbq vf nf erny nf V nz," gur byq zna fnvq. Zl snvgu jnf erfgberq, sbe
+V arj gung Fnagn jbhyq arire yvr.
+%
+"Tbq vf ovt, fb qba'g shpx jvgu uvz."
+%
+Tbq vfa'g qrnq -- ur'f orra ohfgrq
+%
+Tbq vfa'g qrnq, Ur'f whfg gelvat gb nibvq gur qensg.
+%
+Tbq zhfg ybir nffubyrf -- Fur znqr fb znal bs gurz.
+%
+Tbq jnagrq gb unir n ubyvqnl, fb Ur nfxrq Fg. Crgre sbe fhttrfgvbaf ba
+jurer gb tb.
+ "Jul abg tb gb Whcvgre?" nfxrq Fg. Crgre.
+ "Ab, gbb zhpu tenivgl, gbb zhpu fgbzcvat nebhaq," fnvq Tbq.
+ "Jryy, ubj nobhg Zrephel?"
+ "Ab, vg'f gbb ubg gurer."
+ "Bxnl," fnvq Fg. Crgre, "Jung nobhg Rnegu?"
+ "Ab," fnvq Tbq, "Gurl'er fhpu ubeevoyr tbffvcf. Jura V jnf
+gurer 2000 lrnef ntb, V unq na nssnve jvgu n Wrjvfu jbzna, naq gurl'er
+fgvyy gnyxvat nobhg vg."
+%
+Tbbq qnl sbe jngre fcbegf. Gnxr n ongu jvgu n sevraq.
+%
+Tenva tebjf orfg va fuvg
+ -- Hefhyn X. YrThva
+%
+Tenivgl vf na hasbetvivat zbgureshpxre.
+%
+Terng Ybire, a.:
+ N zna jub pna oerngur guebhtu uvf rnef.
+%
+Unpxref qb vg jvgu nyy fbegf bs punenpgref.
+%
+Unpxref qb vg jvgu ohtf.
+%
+Unpxref qb vg jvgu srjre vafgehpgvbaf.
+%
+Unpxref xabj nyy gur evtug ZBIf.
+%
+Unttvf, a.:
+ Unttvf vf n xvaq bs fghss oynpx chqqvat rngra ol gur Fpbgf naq
+pbafvqrerq ol gurz gb or abg bayl n qryvpnpl ohg svg sbe uhzna
+pbafhzcgvba. Gur zvaprq urneg, yvire naq yhatf bs n furrc, pnys be
+bgure navzny'f vaare betnaf ner zvkrq jvgu bngzrny, frnyrq naq obvyrq
+va znj va gur furrc'f vagrfgvany fgbznpu-ont naq ... Rkphfr zr n zvahgr ...
+%
+Uneqyl n cher fpvrapr, uvfgbel vf pybfre gb navzny uhfonaqel guna vg vf
+gb zngurzngvpf, va gung vg vaibyirf fryrpgvir oerrqvat. Gur cevapvcny
+qvssrerapr orgjrra gur uhfonaqelzna naq gur uvfgbevna vf gung gur
+sbezre oerrqf furrc be pbjf be fhpu, naq gur ynggre oerrqf (nffhzrq)
+snpgf. Gur uhfonaqelzna hfrf uvf fxvyyf gb raevpu gur shgher; gur
+uvfgbevna hfrf uvf gb raevpu gur cnfg. Obgu ner hfhnyyl hc gb gurve
+naxyrf va ohyyfuvg.
+ -- Gbz Eboovaf
+%
+Univat qvfpbirerq gur cbffvovyvgl gung bgure perngherf pbhyq or hfrq
+sbe frkhny vagrepbhefr, rneyl zna jnf yvxryl gb unir znqr znal fhpu
+nggrzcgf ... gubhtu vg vf qbhogshy gung ur jnf fb frkhnyyl pneavibebhf
+nf gur Puevfgvna naq Wrjvfu Nqnz, jub, enoovavpny vagrecergref bs gur
+Byq Grfgnzrag gryy hf, unq vagrepbhefr jvgu rirel perngher orsber Tbq
+svanyyl uvg hcba gur vqrn bs jbzna naq perngrq Rir.
+ -- E. R. Znfgref
+%
+"Ur pbhyq or n cbfgre puvyq sbe ergebnpgvir ovegu pbageby."
+%
+Ur ungrq gb zraq, fb lbhat Arq
+Pnyyrq va n phgr arvtuobe vafgrnq.
+ Ure uhfonaq fnvq, "Iv,
+ Jura lbh fgvgpurq hc uvf gbea syl,
+Qvq lbh unir gb ovgr bss gur guernq?"
+%
+Ur jnfa'g zhpu bs na npgbe, ur jnfa'g zhpu bs n Tbireabe -- Uryy, gurl
+_U_N_Q gb znxr uvz Cerfvqrag bs gur Havgrq Fgngrf. Vg'f gur bayl wbo ur'f
+dhnyvsvrq sbe!
+ -- Zvpunry Pnva
+%
+Ur jub svaqrgu frafhbhf cyrnfherf va gur obqvrf bs yhfu, ubg, cvax
+qnzfryf vf abg evtugrbhf, ohg ur pna unir n ybg zber sha.
+%
+Ur jub farrmrf jvgubhg n unaqxrepuvrs gnxrf znggref vagb uvf bja
+unaqf.
+%
+"Ur'f abg cvavat, ur'f cnffrq ba! Guvf cneebg jba'g fdhnjx! Ur'f
+prnfrq gb or! Ur'f rkcverq, naq tbar gb zrrg uvf znxre! Vg'f n
+fgvss! Ab oerngu bs yvsr, ur znl erfg va crnpr! Vs lbh unqa'g anvyrq
+uvz gb gur crepu, ur'q or chfuvat hc gur qnvfvrf! Ur'f bss gur gjvt!
+Ur'f xvpxrq gur ohpxrg! Ur'f pheyrq hc uvf gbbgvrf! Ur'f fuhssyrq bss
+guvf zbegny jbeyq! Ur'f eha qbja gur phegnva, naq wbvarq gur oyrrq'a
+Pubve Vaivapvoyr! UR'F SHPXVAT FAHSSRQ VG! Ivf-n-iv uvf zrgnobyvp
+cebprffrf vf urnq vf ybfg. Nyy fgngrzragf pbapreavat guvf cneebg vf ab
+ybatre n tbvat pbaprea, nsgre sebz abj ba, Vabcrengvir...
+
+ GUVF VF NA RK-CNEEBG!!
+%
+Ure svther qrfpevorq n frg bs cnenobynf gung pbhyq pnhfr pneqvnp neerfg
+va n lnx.
+ -- Jbbql Nyyra
+%
+Ure xvffrf yrsg fbzrguvat gb or qrfverq -- gur erfg bs ure.
+%
+Urer vf gur ceboyrz: sbe znal lrnef, gur Fhcerzr Pbheg jerfgyrq jvgu
+gur vffhr bs cbeabtencul, hagvy svanyyl Nffbpvngr Whfgvpr Wbua Cnhy
+Fgriraf pnzr hc jvgu gur snzbhf dhbgngvba nobhg ubj ur pbhyqa'g qrsvar
+cbeabtencul, ohg ur xarj vg jura ur fnj vg. Fb sbe n juvyr, gur
+pbheg'f cbyvpl jnf gb unir nyy gur fhfcrpgrq cbeabtencul gehpxrq gb
+Whfgvpr Fgriraf' ubhfr, jurer ur jbhyq ybbx vg bire. "Abcr, guvf vfa'g
+vg," ur'q fnl. "Oevat fbzr zber." Guvf jrag ba hagvy bar zbeavat jura
+uvf ubhfrxrrcre sbhaq uvz genccrq va gur erperngvba ebbz haqre na
+rabezbhf zbhaq bs ehoorevmrq vzcyrzragf, naq gur pbheg unq gb vffhr n
+ehyvat fgngvat gung vg qvqa'g xabj jung gur uryy cbeabtencul jnf rkprcg
+gung vg jnf vyyrtny naq rirelobql fubhyq fgbc onqtrevat gur pbheg nobhg
+vg orpnhfr gur pbheg jnf tbvat gb gnxr n anc.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Cbeabtencul"
+%
+"Urer'f gur ubyvqnl fpurqhyr sbe Zbaqnl'f bofreingvba bs Znegva Yhgure
+Xvat We.'f oveguqnl, jura gur sbyybjvat jvyy or pybfrq:
+
+ * Tbireazragny bssvprf
+ * Cbfg bssvprf
+ * Yvoenevrf
+ * Fpubbyf
+ * Onaxf
+ * Cnegf bs Cnyz Ornpu
+
+naq gur zvaq bs Frangbe Wrffr Uryzf bs Abegu Pnebyvan."
+ -- Qraavf Zvyyre, "Fngheqnl Avtug Yvir"
+%
+Uvfgbel unf gur eryngvba gb gehgu gung gurbybtl unf gb eryvtvba --
+v.r., abar gb fcrnx bs.
+ -- Ynmnehf Ybat
+%
+"Ubj qb lbh yvxr gur arj Nzrevpn? Jr'ir phg gur sng bhg bs gur
+tbireazrag, naq zber erpragyl gur urneg naq oenva (gur onpxobar jnf
+tbar fbzr gvzr ntb). Nyy jr frrz gb unir yrsg abj vf zhfpyr. Jr'yy or
+yhpxl gb rfpncr jvgu bhe fxvaf!"
+%
+Ubjneq Pbfryy'f ovttrfg cebgehfvba vf uvf nffubyr
+ -- Wbua Inyol
+%
+Uhtu Ursare vf n ivetva.
+%
+V nz na ngurvfg, gunax Tbq!
+%
+V oryvrir gung Ebanyq Erntna jvyy fbzrqnl znxr guvf pbhagel jung vg
+bapr jnf ... na nepgvp jvyqrearff
+ -- Fgrir Znegva
+%
+V pnzr; V fnj; V shpxrq hc
+%
+V unir n shaal qnqql
+Jub tbrf va naq bhg jvgu zr
+Naq rirelguvat gung onol qbrf
+Qnqql'f fher gb frr,
+Naq rirelguvat gung onol fnlf,
+Zl qnqql'f fher gb gryy.
+Lbh _z_h_f_g unir ernq zl qnqql'f irefr.
+V ubcr ur sevrf va Uryy.
+ -- Btqra Anfu
+%
+V ybir guvf shpxvat Havirefvgl, naq guvf Havirefvgl ybirf shpxvat zr.
+%
+V bapr zrg n ynffvr anzrq Ehgu
+Va n ybat qvfgnapr gryrcubar obbgu.
+ Abj V xabj gur cresrpgvba
+ Bs na vqrny pbaarpgvba
+Rira vs fbzrjung hapbhgu.
+%
+"V bja zl bja obql, ohg V funer"
+%
+V ernyvmr gung gbqnl lbh unir n ahzore bs gbc srznyr nguyrgrf fhpu nf
+Znegvan Aniengvybin jub pna eha yvxr qrre naq orapu-cerff Puriebyrg
+gehpxf. Ohg gb or oehgnyyl senax, jbzra nf n tebhc unir n ybat jnl gb
+tb orsber gurl ernpu gur yriry bs vagrafvgl naq qrqvpngvba gb fcbegf
+gung ranoyrf zra gb or fhpu vaperqvoyr wrexf nobhg vg.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Fcbegf vf n Qent"
+%
+V erterg gb fnl gung jr bs gur S.O.V. ner cbjreyrff gb npg va pnfrf bs
+beny-travgny vagvznpl, hayrff vg unf va fbzr jnl bofgehpgrq vagrefgngr
+pbzzrepr.
+ -- W. Rqtne Ubbire
+%
+V guvax rirel tbbq Puevfgvna bhtug gb xvpx Snyjryy evtug va gur nff.
+ -- Oneel Tbyqjngre
+%
+V guvax cbc zhfvp unf qbar zber sbe beny vagrepbhefr guna nalguvat ryfr
+gung unf rire unccrarq, naq ivpr irefn.
+ -- Senax Mnccn
+%
+V jnyxrq ba gbjneq Cybhtujevtug, guvaxvat nobhg srprf. Jung n ybg jr
+unq sbhaq bhg nobhg gur ceruvfgbevp cnfg sebz gur fghql bs sbffvyvmrq
+qhat bs ybat-inavfurq navznyf. N zvenphybhf guvat, ernyyl; n erpbirel
+sebz gur cnfg sebz jung jnf pneryrffyl erwrpgrq. Naq va gur Zvqqyr
+Ntrf, ubj pbaprearq crbcyr jub yvirq pybfr gb gur jbeyq bs angher jrer
+jvgu gur srprf bs navznyf. Naq jung n inevrgl bs anzrf gurl unq sbe
+gurz: gur Pebgryf bs n Uner, gur Sevnagf bs n Obne, gur Fcenvagf bs
+na Bggre, gur Jreqrebor bs n Onqtre, gur Jnttlvat bs n Sbk, gur Shzrgf
+bs n Qrre. Fheryl gurer zvtug or fbzr jbeqf sbe gur zngrevny fb arne
+gb gur urneg bs Bml Sebngf [na npnqrzvp fghqlvat srprf] guna fuvg?
+Jung nobhg gur Ceboyrzf bs n Cerfvqrag, gur Onpxjneq Cnffrf bs n
+Sbbgonyyre, gur Qrsreenyf bs n Qrna, gur Bqq Ibyhzrf bs n Yvoenevna,
+gur Sbbgabgrf bs n Cu.Q., gur Ybj Tenqrf bs n Serfuzna, gur Nakvrgvrf
+bs na Hagraherq Cebsrffbe?
+ -- Eboregfba Qnivrf, "Gur Erory Natryf"
+%
+V jbhyq yvxr gb fhttrfg gung lbh abg hfr fcrrq, naq urer'f jul: vg vf
+tbvat gb zrff hc lbhe urneg, zrff hc lbhe yvire, lbhe xvqarlf, ebg bhg
+lbhe zvaq. Va trareny guvf qeht jvyy znxr lbh whfg yvxr lbhe zbgure
+naq sngure.
+ -- Senax Mnccn
+%
+V jbhyqa'g zvaq qlvat -- vg'f gung ohfvarff bs univat gb fgnl qrnq gung
+fpnerf gur fuvg bhg bs zr.
+ -- E. Trvf
+%
+V'q yvxr gb zrrg gur zna jub vairagrq frk naq frr jung ur'f jbexvat ba
+abj.
+%
+V'z sbe crnpr -- V'ir lrg gb frr n zna jnxr hc va gur zbeavat naq fnl
+"V'ir whfg unq n tbbq jne."
+ -- Znr Jrfg
+%
+V'z tbvat gb Vbjn sbe na njneq. Gura V'z nccrnevat ng Pneartvr Unyy,
+vg'f fbyq bhg. Gura V'z fnvyvat gb Senapr gb or ubaberq ol gur Serapu
+tbireazrag -- V'q tvir vg nyy hc sbe bar rerpgvba.
+ -- Tebhpub Znek
+%
+"V'ir unq bar puvyq. Zl uhfonaq jnagf gb unir nabgure. V'q yvxr gb
+jngpu uvz unir nabgure."
+%
+Vs n puvyq naablf lbh, dhvrg uvz ol oehfuvat uvf unve. Vs guvf qbrfa'g
+jbex, hfr gur bgure fvqr bs gur oehfu ba gur bgure raq bs gur puvyq.
+%
+Vs nyy gurfr fjrrg lbhat guvatf jrer ynvq raq-gb-raq, V jbhyqa'g or n
+ovg fhecevfrq.
+ -- Qbebgul Cnexre
+%
+"Vs nalbar jnagf gb genqr n pbhcyr bs pragenyyl ybpngrq, jryy-phfuvbarq
+fubjtveyf sbe na rebqrq fybcr 90 zvahgrf sebz Oebnqjnl, V'yy or ba guvf
+pbeare gbzbeebj ng 11 jvgu zl gbathr unatvat bhg."
+ -- F. W. Creryzna
+%
+Vs pyrne guvaxvat perngrq fcnexf, jr pbhyq fnsryl fgber qlanzvgr va
+Wnzrf Jngg'f bssvpr.
+ -- Jnlar Funaaba, XEBA-GI
+%
+"Vs Tbq unq jnagrq hf gb hfr gur zrgevp flfgrz, Wrfhf jbhyq unir unq 10
+ncbfgyrf."
+%
+Vs thaf ner bhgynjrq, ubj jvyy jr fubbg gur yvorenyf?
+%
+Vs Uryra Xryyre vf nybar va n sberfg naq snyyf, qbrf fur znxr n fbhaq?
+%
+Vs zra pbhyq trg certanag, nobegvba jbhyq or n fnpenzrag.
+%
+Vs Erntna vf gur nafjre, vg zhfg unir orra n IREL fvyyl dhrfgvba.
+%
+Vs fbzrbar jrer gb nfx zr sbe n fubeg phg gb frafhnyvgl, V jbhyq
+fhttrfg ur tb fubccvat sbe n hfrq 427 Furyol-Pboen. Ohg vg vf bayl
+snve gb jnea lbh gung bs gur 300 thlf jub fjvgpurq gb gurz va 1966,
+bayl gjb jrag onpx gb jbzra.
+ -- Zbeg Fnuy
+%
+Vs gur Nzrevpna qernz vf sbe Nzrevpnaf bayl, vg jvyy erznva bhe qernz
+naq arire or bhe qrfgval.
+ -- Era'r qr Ivfzr Jvyyvnzfba
+%
+Vs lbh pna oryvrir gra vzcbffvoyr guvatf orsber oernxsnfg, gura lbh
+fubhyq wbva
+
+ GUR PUHEPU BS PBHAGRESNPGHNY ORYVRS
+
+Gur Puhepu bs Pbhagresnpghny Oryvrs unf orra frg hc gb pngre gb nyy jub
+qba'g nyybj qrzbafgenoyr gehgu gb trg va gur jnl bs gurve oryvrsf. Va
+nqqvgvba gb perngvba fpvrapr naq gur syngarff bs gur rnegu, gur
+sbyybjvat oryvrsf unir orra pregvsvrq ol Cbcr Qhnar nf Puhepu qbtzn:
+
+ -- Gung gurer vf n ubyr va gur Rnegu ng gur Abegu Cbyr sebz juvpu
+ HSBf pbzr.
+ -- Gung cv rdhnyf cerpvfryl 3.000.
+ -- Gung frk pna or rawblrq bayl ol oynpxf naq ubzbfrkhnyf.
+ -- Gung Ovyyl Wbr Jvyfba (Ubbcyn, Zvff.) unf fhpprffshyyl fdhnerq
+ gur pvepyr.
+ -- Gung Uneel Gehzna vf fgvyy cerfvqrag, naq qbvat n svar wbo.
+ -- Gung cv rdhnyf cerpvfryl 22/7.
+
+Frireny bgure vzcbegnag pbhagresnpghny oryvrsf ner cerfragyl orvat
+fghqvrq, vapyhqvat Erntnabzvpf, N.V., naq gung gur zbba ynaqvatf jrer
+qbar va n Ubyyljbbq fcrpvny rssrpgf fghqvb. Gurfr jvyy or gur fhowrpg
+bs n sbegupbzvat Cncny Ohyy ...
+%
+Vs lbh zrrg fbzrobql jub gryyf lbh gung ur ybirf lbh zber guna nalobql
+va gur jubyr jvqr jbeyq, qba'g gehfg uvz. Vg zrnaf ur rkcrevzragf.
+%
+Vs lbh guvax frk vf n cnva va gur nff, gel qvssrerag cbfvgvba.
+%
+"Vs lbh'er n erny tbbq xvq, V'yy tvir lbh n cvttl-onpx evqr ba n
+ohmm-fnj."
+ -- J. P. Svryqf
+%
+Vtabenapr vf gur Zbgure bs Qribgvba.
+ -- Eboreg Ohegba
+%
+"Va Puevfgvnavgl arvgure zbenyvgl abe eryvtvba pbzr vagb pbagnpg jvgu
+ernyvgl ng nal cbvag."
+ -- Sevrqevpu Avrgmfpur
+%
+ Va gur ortvaavat jnf gur QRZB Cebwrpg. Naq gur Cebwrpg jnf
+jvgubhg sbez. Naq qnexarff jnf hcba gur fgnss zrzoref gurerbs. Fb
+gurl fcnxr hagb gurve Qvivfvba Urnq, fnlvat, "Vg vf n pebpx bs fuvg,
+naq vg fgvaxf."
+
+ Naq gur Qvivfvba Urnq fcnxr hagb uvf Qrcnegzrag Urnq, fnlvat,
+"Vg vf n pebpx bs rkperzrag naq abar znl novqr gur bqbe gurerbs." Abj,
+gur Qrcnegzrag Urnq fcnxr hagb uvf Qverpgbengr Urnq, fnlvat, "Vg vf n
+pbagnvare bs rkperzrag, naq vf irel fgebat, fhpu gung abar znl novqr
+orsber vg." Naq vg pnzr gb cnff gung gur Qverpgbengr Urnq fcnxr hagb
+gur Nffvfgnag Grpuavpny Qverpgbe, fnlvat, "Vg vf n irffry bs sregvyvmre
+naq abar znl novqr ol vgf fgeratgu."
+
+ Naq gur nffvfgnag Grpuavpny Qverpgbe fcnxr guhf hagb gur
+Grpuavpny Qverpgbe, fnlvat, "Vg pbagnvargu gung juvpu nvqf tebjgu naq
+vg vf irel fgebat." Naq, Yb, gur Grpuavpny Qverpgbe fcnxr gura hagb
+gur Pncgnva, fnlvat, "Gur cbjreshy arj Cebwrpg jvyy uryc cebzbgr gur
+tebjgu bs gur Ynobengbevrf."
+
+ Naq gur Pncgnva ybbxrq qbja hcba gur Cebwrpg, naq Ur fnj gung
+vg jnf Tbbq!
+%
+Va gur Tneqra bs Rqra fng Nqnz,
+Znffntvat gur ohfg bs uvf znqnz,
+ Ur puhpxyrq jvgu zvegu,
+ Sbe ur xarj gung ba rnegu,
+Gurer jrer bayl gjb obbof naq ur unq 'rz.
+%
+Vaprfg, a.:
+ Fvoyvat eriryel.
+%
+"Vf vg whfg zr, be qbrf nalbar ryfr ernq `ovoyr uhzcref' rirel gvzr
+fbzrbar jevgrf `ovoyr guhzcref?'
+ -- Wbry Z. Falqre, wzf@zvf.nevmban.rqh
+%
+Vg vf n fnq pbzzragnel ba gbqnl'f fbpvrgl gung guvf sbeghar unf gb or
+pynffvsvrq nf "bssrafvir" fvzcyl orpnhfr vg pbagnvaf gur jbeq "shpx".
+%
+"Vg fnlf ur znqr hf nyy gb or whfg yvxr uvz. Fb vs jr'er qhzo, gura
+tbq vf qhzo, naq znlor rira n yvggyr htyl ba gur fvqr."
+ -- Senax Mnccn
+%
+"Vg jnf n Ebzna jub fnvq vg jnf fjrrg gb qvr sbe bar'f pbhagel. Gur
+Terrxf arire fnvq vg jnf fjrrg gb qvr sbe nalguvat. Gurl unq ab ivgny
+yvrf."
+ -- Rqvgu Unzvygba, "Gur Terrx Jnl"
+%
+Wrfhf qvrq sbe lbhe fvaf. Znxr vg jbegu uvf gvzr.
+%
+"Wrfhf fnirf...ohg Tergmxl trgf gur erobhaq!"
+ -- Qnavry Uvabwbfn
+%
+Wrfhf jnf xvyyrq ol n Zbeny Znwbevgl.
+%
+Wbua Ovepu Fbpvrgl -- gung cngurgvp znavsrfgngvba bs betnavmrq
+ncbcyrkl.
+ -- Rqjneq C. Zbetna
+%
+Xnfun, a.:
+ Xnfun vf nyjnlf qrsvarq nf "ohpxjurng tebngf". Gurer'f bayl
+bar ceboyrz jvgu guvf qrsvavgvba: jung gur shpx ner "ohpxjurng
+tebngf"? *_V* xabj jung gurl ner -- gurl'er xnfun. Ohg gung qbrfa'g
+uryc *___lbh* zhpu.
+ -- Neguhe Anvzna, "Rirel Tbl'f Thvqr gb Lvqqvfu"
+%
+Xvyy n pbzzvr sbe Puevfg!
+%
+Ynvffrm Snver Rpbabzvpf vf gur gurbel gung vs rnpu npgf yvxr n ihygher,
+nyy jvyy raq nf qbirf.
+%
+Ynetr pngf pna or qnatrebhf, ohg n yvggyr chffl arire uheg nalbar.
+%
+YRG Wrfhf or LBHE napube!
+
+Fb jura Fngna ebpxf lbhe obng, GUEBJ Wrfhf bireobneq!
+%
+... Yrg zr gryy lbh jub gur npghny "sebag-ehaaref" ner. Ba bar fvqr,
+lbh unir Trbetr Ohfu, jub vf pheeragyl tbvat guebhtu n fbeg bs
+sengreavgl unmvat jurerva ur unf gb cresbez n frevrf bs uhzvyvngvat
+fghagf gb jva gur nccebiny bs gur Erchoyvpna Evtug. Sbe rknzcyr, gurl
+unq uvz znxr n fcrrpu bbmvat cenvfr nyy bire Jvyyvnz Ybro, qrprnfrq
+choyvfure bs gur Znapurfgre (A.U.) Havba Yrnqre naq Fyvzr Wbheanyvfg.
+Ybro unq qhzcrq ivpvbhfyl nyy bire Trbetr va gur 1980 Arj Unzcfuver
+cevznel. Ohg jura gur Evtug uryq n ovt gevohgr sbe Ybro, Trbetr pnzr
+onpx gb gur sbyq, yvxr n zna jvgu n ohatrr pbeq jenccrq nebhaq uvf
+arpx.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Gur Gjvaxvr naq gur Fdhvq"
+%
+Yvsr vf yvxr n cravf: jura vg'f fbsg lbh pna'g orng vg, naq jura vg'f
+uneq lbh trg shpxrq.
+%
+Yvfc unpxref unir gb or obhaq (gb-qb 'vg) ...
+%
+Yvivat va Ubyyljbbq vf yvxr yvivat va n objy bs tenabyn. Jung nva'g
+sehvgf naq ahgf vf synxrf.
+%
+Ybir qbrf abg znxr gur jbeyq tb nebhaq, whfg hc naq qbja n ovg.
+%
+Zngurzngvpvnaf qb vg va gurbel.
+%
+Zngurzngvpvnaf gnxr vg gb gur yvzvg.
+%
+Znl n qvfrnfrq lnx gnxr n yvxvat gb lbhe fvfgre.
+%
+Znl gur snvel tbq-pnzry yrnir n yhzc ba lbhe cvyybj!
+%
+Znlbe Ivaprag W. `Ohqql' Pvnapv ba gur NPYH'f fhvg gb unir n pvgl
+angvivgl fprar erzbirq:
+ "Gurl'er whfg wrnybhf orpnhfr gurl qba'g unir guerr jvfr zra
+naq n ivetva va gur jubyr betnavmngvba."
+%
+Zrtngba Zna: "YBBX ng gurz! Urycyrff, graqre perngherf, erylvat ba
+ ZR, jnvgvat sbe ZR gb znxr zl zbir!"
+
+(sebz orybj): "Zbir lbhe NFF, Sng-urnq!"
+
+Zrtngba Zna: "Vg vf n ZNAQNGR, naq V nz QHGL OBHAQ gb BORL!"
+%
+Zvffvbanel Cbfvgvba:
+ Gur zvffvbanel ba gbc.
+%
+"Zbfg yrtvfyngbef ner fb qhzo gung gurl pbhyqa'g cbhe cvff bhg bs n
+obbg vs gur vafgehpgvbaf jrer cevagrq ba gur urry."
+%
+Zbggb bs gur Ryrpgevpny Ratvarre:
+ Jbexvat pbzchgre uneqjner vf n ybg yvxr na rerpg cravf: vg
+fgnlf hc nf ybat nf lbh qba'g shpx jvgu vg.
+%
+Zl oebgure-va-ynj unf sbhaq n jnl gb znxr raqf zrrg. Ur tbrf nebhaq
+jvgu uvf urnq fghpx hc uvf nff.
+%
+"Zl pbhagel, evtug be jebat," vf n guvat gung ab cngevbg jbhyq guvax bs
+fnlvat rkprcg va n qrfcrengr pnfr. Vg vf yvxr fnlvat, "Zl zbgure,
+qehax be fbore."
+ -- T. X. Purfgregba
+%
+Zl sngure jnf n perbyr, uvf sngure n Arteb, naq uvf sngure n zbaxrl; zl
+snzvyl, vg frrzf, ortvaf jurer lbhef yrsg bss.
+ -- Nyrknaqer Qhznf, crer
+%
+ Zl Snibevgr Qehtf [Fhat gb Zl Snibevgr Guvatf]
+Errsref naq ebnpu pyvcf naq cncref naq ebyyref
+Pbpnvar naq cebpnvar sbe gjragl lrne zbynef
+Erqf naq crlbgr gb jbex bhg lbhe ohtf
+Gurfr ner n srj bs zl snibevgr qehtf.
+
+Hccref naq qbjaref naq zrgurqevar sernxbhg
+Gnxr fbzr nzcurgnzvarf, jngpu lbhe oenvaf yrnx bhg
+Npvq naq zrfpnyvar chyy bhg lbhe cyhtf
+Gurfr ner n srj bs zl snibevgr qehtf.
+
+Onpxf gung ner cresrpg sbe pneelvat zbaxrlf
+Hfref bs urebva, bsgra pnyyrq whaxvrf
+Zrgunqbar urycf gura gb fgbc orvat guhtf
+Gnxrf gurz bss bar bs zl snibevgr qehtf.
+
+ Ba n onq gevc
+ Jura gur pbcf pbzr
+ Jura V ybfr zl urnq
+ V fvzcyl gnxr zber bs zl snibevgr qehtf
+ Naq gura V'z abg fnq -- V'z qrnq!
+%
+ ARJ NQQVGVBA GB GUR YVOENEL:
+"Fnyyl", gur qrcnegzrag'f arj vasyngnoyr qbyy, vf ninvynoyr ba n
+fubeg-grez erzbiny onfvf bayl -- cyrnfr fvta ure bhg naq erghea ure
+cebzcgyl gb nibvq rkgraqrq jnvgf. (Jr ner fgvyy njnvgvat fuvczrag bs
+bhe "Ovt Wbua" qbyy.)
+%
+Ab jbzna pna pnyy urefrys serr hagvy fur pna pubbfr pbafpvbhfyl jurgure
+fur jvyy be jvyy abg or n zbgure.
+ -- Znetnerg U. Fnatre
+%
+"Abg bayl vf Tbq qrnq, ohg whfg gel gb svaq n cyhzore ba jrrxraqf."
+ -- Jbbql Nyyra
+%
+Abguvat vf orggre guna Frk.
+Znfgheongvba vf orggre guna abguvat.
+Gurersber, Znfgheongvba vf orggre guna Frk.
+%
+Ahxr gur tnl, haobea, onol junyrf sbe Wrfhf.
+%
+B'Evbeqna'f Gurberz:
+ Oenvaf k Ornhgl = Pbafgnag.
+
+Chezny'f Pbebyynel:
+ Nf gur yvzvg bs (Oenvaf k Ornhgl) tbrf gb vasvavgl,
+ninvynovyvgl tbrf gb mreb.
+%
+Bofpravgl vf gur pehgpu bs vanegvphyngr zbgureshpxref.
+%
+Bppvqrag, a.:
+ Gur cneg bs gur jbeyq ylvat jrfg (be rnfg) bs gur Bevrag. Vg
+vf ynetryl vaunovgrq ol Puevfgvnaf, cbjreshy fho-gevor bs gur
+Ulcbpevgrf, jubfr cevapvcny vaqhfgevrf ner zheqre naq purngvat, juvpu
+gurl ner cyrnfrq gb pnyy "jne" naq "pbzzrepr." Gurfr, nyfb, ner gur
+cevapvcny vaqhfgevrf bs gur Bevrag.
+ -- Nzoebfr Ovrepr, "Gur Qrivy'f Qvpgvbanel"
+%
+Bprna, a.:
+ N obql bs jngre bpphclvat nobhg gjb-guveqf bs n jbeyq znqr sbe
+zna -- jub unf ab tvyyf.
+%
+Bapr n lbhat tnl sebz Xunegbhz
+Gbbx n yrfovna hc gb uvf ebbz.
+ Gurl nethrq nyy avtug
+ Bire jub unq gur evtug
+Gb qb jung, naq jvgu juvpu, naq gb jubz.
+%
+Bapr hcba n gvzr, gurer jnf n aba-pbasbezvat fcneebj jub qrpvqrq abg gb
+syl fbhgu sbe gur jvagre. Ubjrire, fbba nsgre gur jrngure ghearq pbyq,
+gur fcneebj punatrq uvf zvaq naq eryhpgnagyl fgnegrq gb syl fbhgu.
+Nsgre n fubeg gvzr, vpr ortna gb sbez uvf ba uvf jvatf naq ur sryy gb
+rnegu va n onealneq nyzbfg sebmra. N pbj cnffrq ol naq penccrq ba guvf
+yvggyr oveq naq gur fcneebj gubhtug vg jnf gur raq, ohg gur znaher
+jnezrq uvz naq qrsebfgrq uvf jvatf. Jnez naq unccl gur yvggyr fcneebj
+ortna gb fvat. Whfg gura, n ynetr Gbz png pnzr ol naq urnevat gur
+puvecvat vairfgvtngrq gur fbhaqf. Nf Byq Gbz pyrnerq njnl gur znaher,
+ur sbhaq gur puvecvat oveq naq cebzcgyl ngr uvz.
+
+Gurer ner guerr zbenyf gb guvf fgbel:
+
+(1) Rirelbar jub fuvgf ba lbh vf abg arprffnevyl lbhe rarzl.
+(2) Rirelbar jub trgf lbh bhg bs fuvg vf abg arprffnevyl lbhe sevraq.
+(3) Vs lbh ner jnez naq unccl va n cvyr bs fuvg, xrrc lbhe zbhgu fuhg.
+%
+Bar qnl Cerfvqrag Erntna, Punvezna Naqebcbi, gur Cbcr, naq n obl fpbhg
+jrer sylvat gbtrgure va na nvecynar. Evtug bhg va gur zvqqyr bs
+abjurer gur cynar qrirybcrq ratvar gebhoyr naq fgnegrq gb tb qbja.
+Hasbeghangryl, bayl guerr cnenpuhgrf pbhyq or sbhaq sbe gur sbhe
+cnffratref! Naqebcbi tenoorq bar bs gur cnenpuhgrf naq qrpynerq
+"Pbzenqrf, nf yrnqre bs gur fbpvnyvfg jbexref eribyhgvba, zl yvsr zhfg
+or fcnerq," naq ur whzcrq bhg bs gur cynar. Gura Erntna rkpynvzrq "Nf
+yrnqre bs gur terngrfg angvba ba rnegu, V zhfg xrrc gur jbeyq fnsr sbe
+qrzbpenpl," naq jvgu gung ur gbb whzcrq gb fnsrgl. Abj vs lbh ner
+sbyybjvat nyy guvf (be pbhagvat ba lbhe svatref) lbh zhfg frr gung
+gurer vf bayl bar cnenpuhgr yrsg sbe gur gjb erznvavat cnffratref. Gur
+Cbcr ybbxrq xvaqyl hcba gur obl fpbhg naq fnvq "V unir unq n ybat naq
+cebqhpgvir yvsr, zl fba. Lbh gnxr gur cnenpuhgr naq yrnir zr va Tbq'f
+unaqf." "Gung'f irel xvaq bs lbh," gur bofreinag fpbhg ercyvrq, "ohg
+gurer vf ab arrq. Erntna whfg whzcrq bhg jvgu zl xancfnpx."
+%
+"Bar Fngheqnl nsgreabba, qhevat gur pnzcnvta gb qrpvqr jurgure be abg
+gurer fubhyq or n Pbnfgny Pbzzvffvba, V gbbx n uryvpbcgre evqr sebz Ybf
+Natryrf gb Fna Qvrtb. Jr cnffrq frireny fgngr ornpurf, fbzr pebjqrq
+naq fbzr iveghnyyl rzcgl. Gurl unq gur fnzr snpvyvgvrf, naq va fbzr
+pnfrf gur pebjqrq naq gur rzcgl ornpu jrer jvguva n dhnegre zvyr bs
+rnpu bgure. Boivbhfyl znal ornpu-tbref cersre gb or pebjqrq gbtrgure.
+Ohlvat zber ornpurf gung crbcyr jba'g tb gb orpnhfr gurl cersre gb or
+pebjqrq gbtrgure ba bar ornpu vf n evqvphybhf jnfgr bs bhe angheny
+erfbheprf naq bhe gnkrf."
+ -- Ebanyq Erntna
+%
+Bar guvat V unir ab jbeel nobhg vf jurgure Tbq rkvfgf. Ohg vg unf
+bppheerq gb zr gung Tbq unf Nymurvzre'f naq unf sbetbggra jr rkvfg.
+ -- Wnar Jntare, "Gur Frnepu sbe Fvtaf bs Vagryyvtrag
+ Yvsr va gur Havirefr"
+%
+Bcvavbaf ner yvxr nffubyrf -- rirelbar'f tbg bar, ohg abobql jnagf gb
+ybbx ng gur bgure thl'f.
+ -- Uny Uvpxzna
+%
+Bhe [fbsgonyy] grnz hfhnyyl chgf gur bgure jbzna ng frpbaq onfr, jurer
+gur znkvzhz cbffvoyr ahzore bs znyrf pna trg gurer ba fubeg abgvpr gb
+uryc bhg va pnfr bs rzretrapl. Nf sne nf V pna gryy, bhe frpbaq
+onfrjbzna vf n cerggl tbbq onfronyy cynlre, orggre guna V nz, naljnl,
+ohg gurer'f ab jnl gb xabj sbe fher orpnhfr vs gur onyy trgf naljurer
+arne ure, n znyr pbzrf onetvat bire sebz, fnl, evtug svryq, gb qrny
+jvgu vg. Fur'f orra ba gur grnz sbe guerr frnfbaf abj, ohg gur znyrf
+fgvyy qba'g gehfg ure. Gurl xabj, qrrc va gurve fbhyf, gung vs fur unq
+gb pubbfr orgjrra pngpuvat n syl onyy naq fnivat na vasnag'f yvsr, fur
+cebonoyl jbhyq ryrpg gb fnir gur vasnag'f yvsr, jvgubhg rire
+pbafvqrevat jurgure gurer jrer zra ba onfr.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Fcbegf vf n Qent"
+%
+"Bhe tbireazrag unf xrcg hf va n crecrghny fgngr bs srne -- xrcg hf va
+n pbagvahbhf fgnzcrqr bs cngevbgvp sreibe -- jvgu gur pel bs tenir
+angvbany rzretrapl... Nyjnlf gurer unf orra fbzr greevoyr rivy gb
+tbooyr hf hc vs jr qvq abg oyvaqyl enyyl oruvaq vg ol sheavfuvat gur
+rkbeovgnag fhzf qrznaqrq. Lrg, va ergebfcrpg, gurfr qvfnfgref frrz
+arire gb unir unccrarq, frrz arire gb unir orra dhvgr erny."
+ -- Trareny Qbhtynf ZnpNeguhe, 1957
+%
+ Bireurneq va n one:
+Zna: "Url, Onol, V'q fher yvxr gb trg va lbhe cnagf!"
+Jbzna: "Ab, gunaxf, V'ir nyernql tbg bar nff-ubyr va gurer abj."
+%
+Crbcyr jub qrirybc gur unovg bs guvaxvat bs gurzfryirf nf jbeyq
+pvgvmraf ner shysvyyvat gur svefg erdhverzrag bs fnavgl va bhe gvzr.
+ -- Abezna Pbhfvaf
+%
+Culfvpvfgf qb vg jvgu punez
+%
+Cbyvgvpvnaf qb vg gb rirelbar.
+%
+Cbfgrevgl jvyy ar're fheirl
+N aboyre tenir guna guvf;
+Urer yvr gur obarf bs Pnfgyrerntu;
+Fgbc, geniryre, naq cvff.
+ -- Ybeq Oleba, ba Ybeq Pnfgyrerntu
+%
+Cebpenfgvangbef qb vg gbzbeebj.
+%
+Cebfgvghgvba vf gur bayl ohfvarff jurer lbh pna tb vagb gur ubyr naq
+fgvyy pbzr bhg nurnq.
+%
+D: Ubj qb lbh cynl eryvtvbhf ebhyrggr?
+N: Lbh fgnaq nebhaq va n pvepyr naq oynfcurzr naq frr jub trgf fgehpx
+ ol yvtugavat svefg.
+%
+D: Ubj qb lbh gryy vs na Ryrcunag unf orra znxvat ybir va lbhe
+ onpxlneq?
+N: Vs nyy lbhe genfupna yvaref ner zvffvat ...
+%
+D: Ubj qb lbh gryy vs lbh'er znxvat ybir gb n ahefr, n fpubbygrnpure,
+ be na nveyvar fgrjneqrff?
+N: N ahefr fnlf: "Guvf jba'g uheg n ovg." N fpubbygrnpure fnlf:
+ "Jr'er tbvat gb unir gb qb guvf bire naq bire ntnva hagvy jr trg vg
+ evtug." Na nveyvar fgrjneqrff fnlf: "Whfg ubyq guvf bire lbhe
+ zbhgu naq abfr, naq oerngu abeznyyl."
+%
+D: Ubj znal evtug-gb-yvsref qbrf vg gnxr gb punatr n yvtug ohyo?
+N: Gjb. Bar gb fperj vg va naq bar gb fnl gung yvtug fgnegrq jura gur
+ fperjvat ortna.
+%
+D: Ubj znal fhccyl-fvqref qbrf vg gnxr gb punatr n yvtug ohyo?
+N: Abar. Gur qnexarff jvyy pnhfr gur yvtug ohyo gb punatr ol vgfrys.
+%
+D: Ubj zhpu zbarl qb lbh tvir gb n 900 sbbg Wrfhf?
+N: Nf zhpu nf ur jnagf.
+%
+D: Vs Gnemna jnf Wrjvfu, naq Wnar jnf n cevaprff, jung jbhyq Purrgnu
+ or?
+N: N she pbng.
+%
+D: Jung qb lbh qb jvgu na ryrcunag jvgu guerr onyyf?
+N: Jnyx uvz naq cvgpu gb gur euvab.
+%
+D: Jung qb lbh trg jura lbh pebff Wnzrf Qrna jvgu Ebanyq Erntna?
+N: N erory jvgubhg n pyhr.
+%
+D: Jung vf "FZBBECYNL"?
+N: Vg'f jung FZHESF qb orsber gurl FZHPX, bs pbhefr!
+%
+D: Jung vf gur jbefg fgbel Uryra Xryyre rire ernq?
+N: N purrfr tengre
+%
+D: Jung'f Wrjvfu sbercynl?
+N: Gjb ubhef bs orttvat.
+%
+D: Jurer pna lbh ohl oynpx ynpr pebgpuyrff cnagvrf sbe furrc?
+N: Serqevpx'f bs Vgunpn, Arj Lbex.
+%
+D: Jurer qbrf ivetva jbby pbzr sebz?
+N: Htyl furrc.
+%
+D: Jul qbrf Uryra Xryyre znfgheongr jvgu bar unaq?
+N: Fb fur pna zbna jvgu gur bgure!
+%
+"Dhrrafobeb cerfvqrag Qbanyq Znaavf, punetrq jvgu erprvivat oevorf va
+rkpunatr sbe pvgl pbagenpgf, erfvtarq ba Ghrfqnl. Znaavf srryf ur zhfg
+qribgr zber gvzr gb vzcraqvat yvgvtngvba, fbzr bs juvpu zvtug rznangr
+sebz n erprag fgngrzrag ur znqr pbzcnevat Arj Lbex Znlbe Rq Xbpu gb
+Anmv Znegva Obeznaa. N fcbxrfzna sebz gur Obeznaa rfgngr fnvq gurl ner
+jrvtuvat gur bqqf bs n fynaqre fhvg. Znlbe Xbpu pbhyq anghenyyl or
+ernpurq sbe pbzzrag, ohg jr pubfr abg gb yvfgra."
+ -- Qraavf Zvyyre, "Fngheqnl Avtug Yvir"
+%
+Enaqry, a.:
+ N abafrafvpny cbrz erpvgrq ol Vevfu fpubbyoblf nf na ncbybtl
+sbe snegvat ng n sevraq.
+ -- Zef. Olear'f Qvpgvbanel bs Hahfhny, Bofpher &
+ Cercbfgrebhf Jbeqf
+%
+Erntna pna'g _n_p_g rvgure
+%
+Erzrzore jura lbh jrer n xvq naq gur oblf qvqa'g yvxr gur tveyf? Bayl
+fvffvrf yvxrq tveyf? Jung V'z gelvat gb gryy lbh vf gung abguvat'f
+punatrq. Lbh guvax oblf tebj bhg bs abg yvxvat tveyf, ohg jr qba'g
+tebj bhg bs vg. Jr whfg tebj ubeal. Gung'f gur ceboyrz. Jr zvk hc
+yvxvat chffl sbe yvxvat tveyf. Oryvrir zr, bar pbhyqa'g unir yrff gb
+qb jvgu gur bgure.
+ -- Whyrf Srvssre
+%
+Erchoyvpnaf pbafhzr guerr-sbheguf bs gur ehgnontn cebqhprq va guvf
+pbhagel. Gur erznvaqre vf guebja bhg.
+%
+Erchoyvpnaf envfr qnuyvnf, Qnyzngvnaf naq rlroebjf.
+Qrzbpengf envfr Nverqnyrf, xvqf naq gnkrf.
+
+Qrzbpengf rng gur svfu gurl pngpu.
+Erchoyvpnaf unat gurz ba gur jnyy.
+
+Erchoyvpna oblf qngr Qrzbpengvp tveyf. Gurl cyna gb zneel Erchoyvpna
+tveyf, ohg srry gurl'er ragvgyrq gb n yvggyr sha svefg.
+
+Qrzbpengf znxr hc cynaf naq gura qb fbzrguvat ryfr.
+Erchoyvpnaf sbyybj gur cynaf gurve tenaqsnguref znqr.
+
+Erchoyvpnaf pbafhzr guerr-sbheguf bs gur ehgnontn cebqhprq va gur HFN.
+Gur erznvaqre vf guebja bhg.
+
+Erchoyvpnaf fyrrc va gjva orqf -- fbzr rira va frcnengr ebbzf.
+Gung vf jul gurer ner zber Qrzbpengf.
+ -- Gur Bssvpvny Ehyrf, nf pbzcvyrq ol Cnhy Qvpxfba
+%
+Erchoyvpnaf graq gb xrrc gurve funqrf qenja, nygubhtu gurer vf fryqbz
+nal ernfba jul gurl fubhyq. Qrzbpengf bhtug gb, ohg qba'g.
+%
+Ebanyq Erntna -- Nzrevpn'f snibevgr cynprob
+%
+Fnvq n ubeal lbhat tvey sebz Zvycvgnf,
+"Zl snibevgr fcbeg vf pbvghf."
+ Ohg n shyyonpx sebz Fgngr
+ Znqr ure crevbq yngr,
+Naq abj fur unf nguyrgr'f srghf
+%
+Fnvq n fjvatvat lbhat puvpx anzrq Ylgu
+Jubfr iveghr jnf ynetryl n zlgu,
+ "Gel nf uneq nf V pna,
+ V pna'g svaq n zna
+Gung vg'f sha gb or iveghbhf jvgu."
+%
+Fnvq Rvafgrva, "V unir na rdhngvba
+Juvpu gb fbzr znl frrz enorynvfvna:
+ Yrg _I or ivetvavgl
+ Nccebnpuvat vasvavgl;
+Yrg _C or n pbafgnag crefhnfvba;
+
+"Yrg _I bire _C or vairegrq
+Jvgu gur fdhner ebbg bs _Z_h vafregrq
+ _A gvzrf vagb _I ...
+ Gur erfhyg, D.R.Q.,
+Vf n eryngvir!" Rvafgrva nffregrq.
+%
+Fnir Fbivrg Wrjel -- Jva Inyhnoyr Cevmrf!!!!
+%
+Frk vf yvxr n oevqtr tnzr -- Vs lbh unir n tbbq unaq ab cnegare vf
+arrqrq.
+%
+Frk vf bar bs gur avar ernfbaf sbe ervapneangvba ... gur bgure rvtug
+ner havzcbegnag.
+ -- Urael Zvyyre
+%
+Frk vf gur cbbe zna'f bcren.
+ -- T. O. Funj
+%
+Fur nfxrq zr vs V ybirq ure fgvyy. "Lrf," V ercyvrq. "V'ir arire unq
+lbh nal bgure jnl."
+%
+Fur ungrf grfgvpyrf, guhf yvzvgvat gur zra fur pna nqzver gb Qrzbpengvp
+pnaqvqngrf sbe cerfvqrag.
+ -- Wbua Terrajnl, "Gur Nzrevpna Genqvgvba", ba srzvavfg
+ Ryvmnorgu Tbhyq Qnivf
+%
+... Fb guvf vf n irel pbashfvat fvghngvba, naq jung znxrf vg rira jbefr
+vf, bhe fgnaqneqf xrrc punatvat. Gnxr Cynlobl zntnmvar. Onpx va gur
+1950f, jura V fgnegrq ernqvat vg fgevpgyl sbe gur negvpyrf, Cynlobl jnf
+pbafvqrerq whfg nobhg gur enpvrfg guvat nebhaq, rira gubhtu nyy vg rire
+fubjrq jnf jbzra'f oernfgf. Tenagrq, nal tvira bar bs gurfr oernfgf
+jbhyq unir cebivqrq nqrdhngr furygre sbe n snzvyl bs sbhe, ohg gur
+birenyy rssrpg jnf ab zber rkcyvpvg guna znal choyvpngvbaf jr guvax
+abguvat bs gbqnl, fhpu nf Fcbegf Vyyhfgengrq'f Naahny Avccyrf Cbxvat
+Guebhtu Fjvzfhvgf Vffhr.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Cbeabtencul"
+%
+Fbbare be yngre, trarenyf jvyy bja lbh.
+%
+Fgngvfgvpvnaf qb vg jvgu 95% pbasvqrapr.
+%
+Fgngvfgvpvnaf cebonoyl qb vg.
+%
+Fhocbran, a.:
+ Sebz gur ebbg "fho", orybj, naq gur Yngva "cbran" sbe znyr
+betna be cravf. Gurersber, "orybj gur cravf" be "ol gur onyyf."
+%
+Fhccbeg gur evtug bs haobea znyrf gb orne nezf!
+ -- N choyvp freivpr naabhaprzrag sebz Culyyvf Fpuynsyl,
+ gur Pngubyvp Puhepu, naq gur Angvbany Evsyr
+ Nffbpvngvba
+%
+Fher rngvat lbtheg jvyy vzcebir lbhe frk yvsr. Crbcyr xabj gung vs
+lbh'yy rng gung fghss, lbh'yy rng nalguvat.
+%
+Fher, Erntna unf cebzvfrq gb gnxr fravyvgl grfgf. Ohg jung vs ur
+sbetrgf?
+%
+"Gnkrf fubhyq uheg. V whfg znvyrq zl bja gnk erghea ynfg avtug naq V
+nz cercnerq gb fnl `bhpu!' nf ybhq nf nalbar."
+ -- Ebanyq Erntna
+%
+"Gur Nezl vf n cynpr jurer lbh trg hc rneyl va gur zbeavat gb or lryyrq
+ng ol crbcyr jvgu fubeg unvephgf naq gval oenvaf."
+ -- Qnir Oneel
+%
+ Gur ovt ceboyrz jvgu cbeabtencul vf qrsvavat vg. Lbh pna'g
+whfg fnl vg'f cvpgherf bs crbcyr anxrq. Sbe rknzcyr, lbh unir gurfr
+cevzvgvir Nsevpna gevorf gung rkvfg ol punfvat gur jvyqrorrfg ba sbbg,
+naq gurl unir gb tb nebhaq ynetryl anxrq, orpnhfr, nf gur byq gevony
+fnlvat tbrf: "A'jnz x'ubav fbvg dhv znyv," juvpu zrnaf, "Vs lbh guvax
+lbh pna pngpu n jvyqrorrfg va guvf pyvzngr naq jrne pybgurf ng gur fnzr
+gvzr, gura V unir fbzr ornpu sebag cebcregl va gur qrfreg ertvba bs
+Abegurea Znyv gung lbh znl or vagrerfgrq va."
+ Fb vg'f abg pbafvqrerq cbeabtencuvp jura Angvbany Trbtencuvp
+choyvfurf pbybe cubgbtencuf bs gurfr crbcyr uhagvat gur jvyqrorrfg
+anxrq, be cbhaqvat bar ebpx bagb nabgure ebpx sbe fbzr cevzvgvir ernfba
+anxrq, be jungrire. Ohg vs Angvbany Trbtencuvp jrer gb choyvfu na
+negvpyr ragvgyrq "Gur Tveyf bs gur Pnyvsbeavn Whavbe Pbyyrtr Flfgrz
+Uhag gur Jvyqrorrfg Anxrq," fbzr crbcyr jbhyq pnyy vg cbeabtencul. Ohg
+bguref jbhyq abg. Naq fgvyy bguref, fhpu nf gur Fcrpgnphyneyl Eri.
+Wreel Snyjryy, jbhyq trg hcfrg nobhg frrvat gur jvyqrorrfg anxrq.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Cbeabtencul"
+%
+Gur pbzchgre vf gur hygvzngr cbyyhgre: vgf fuvg vf vaqvfgvathvfunoyr
+sebz gur sbbq vg cebqhprf.
+%
+ Gur qrsrafr nggbearl jnf unzzrevat njnl ng gur cynvagvss: "Lbh
+pynvz," ur wrrerq, "gung zl pyvrag pnzr ng lbh jvgu n oebxra obggyr va
+uvf unaq. Ohg vf vg abg gehr, gung lbh unq fbzrguvat va LBHE unaq?"
+
+ "Lrf," ur nqzvggrq, "uvf jvsr. Irel punezvat, bs pbhefr, ohg
+abg zhpu tbbq va n svtug."
+%
+Gur qvssrerapr orgjrra guvf fpubby naq n pnpghf cynag vf gung gur
+pnpghf unf gur cevpxf ba gur bhgfvqr.
+%
+... Gur Sngure, gur Fba naq gur Ubyl Tubfg jbhyq arire guebj gur Qrivy
+bhg bs Urnira nf ybat nf gurl fgvyy arrq uvz nf n sbhegu sbe oevqtr.
+ -- Yrggre va ARJ YVOREGNEVNA ABGRF #19
+%
+ Gur Tenl-unverq Jbzna'f Pbzcynvag
+
+Zl onpx npurf, zl chffl vf fber;
+V fvzcyl pna'g shpx nal zber;
+ V'z pbirerq jvgu fjrng,
+ Naq lbh unira'g pbzr lrg,
+Naq zl Tbq, vg'f n dhnegre gb sbhe!
+%
+Gur zna jub fnvq "N oveq va gur unaq'f jbegu gjb va gur ohfu" unf orra
+chggvat uvf oveq va gur *JEBAT* ohfurf.
+%
+GUR ZK VF TBBQ SBE GUR RPBABZL. Bar vzcbegnag ernfba jr unir n Qrsrafr
+Qrcnegzrag vf gung jura jr tvir vg zbarl, vg fcraqf vg, juvpu perngrf
+wbof, jurernf vs jr yrsg gur zbarl va gur unaqf bs pvivyvnaf, jr qba'g
+xabj jung gurl'q qb jvgu vg. Cebonoyl chg vg va bcra gerapurf naq frg
+vg ba sver. Gur ZK jvyy perngr na rfcrpvnyyl ynetr ahzore bs wbof
+orpnhfr bs gur ahzore bs jneurnqf vg pneevrf. Vg pneevrf n gbgny bs 10
+jneurnqf. Guvf perngrf n terng qrny bs rzcyblzrag, orpnhfr lbh unir
+lbhe Jneurnq Znxref, lbhe Jneurnq Yvsgref, lbhe Crefbaf Jub Gnc gur
+Jneurnqf Tragyl jvgu Ehoore Znyyrgf gb Jrqtr Gurz Nyy Fahtyl Vagb gur
+Abfr Pbar, lbhe Crefbaf Jub Whfg Jnyx Nebhaq Cynlvat Fbbguvat Pnffrggrf
+ol Erpbeqvat Negvfgf fhpu nf Creel Pbzb Fb Jr Qba'g Unir Nal Zber
+Rcvfbqrf Jurer n Jbexre Jub vf Rkcrevrapvat Fbzr Fgenva Fgvpxf n
+Jneurnq va gur Rzcyblrr Pnsrgrevn Zvpebjnir naq Frgf Vg Ba Ebnfg, rgp.
+Jr ner gnyxvat nobhg n ybg bs wbof.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Ng Ynfg, gur Hygvzngr Qrgreerag Ntnvafg
+ Cbyvgvpny Snyybhg"
+%
+Gur bgure avtug V jnf univat frk, ohg gur tvey uhat hc ba zr.
+%
+Gur bjare bs n ynetr sheavgher fgber va gur zvq-jrfg neevirq va Senapr
+ba n ohlvat gevc. Nf ur jnf purpxvat vagb n ubgry ur fgehpx hc na
+npdhnvagnapr jvgu n ornhgvshy lbhat ynql. Ubjrire, fur bayl fcbxr
+Serapu naq ur bayl fcbxr Ratyvfu, fb rnpu pbhyqa'g haqrefgnaq n jbeq
+gur bgure fcbxr. Ur gbbx bhg n crapvy naq n abgrobbx naq qerj n
+cvpgher bs n gnkv. Fur fzvyrq, abqqrq ure urnq naq gurl jrag sbe n
+evqr va gur cnex. Yngre, ur qerj n cvpgher bs n gnoyr va n erfgnhenag
+jvgu n dhrfgvba znex naq fur abqqrq, fb gurl jrag gb qvaare. Nsgre
+qvaare ur fxrgpurq gjb qnapref naq fur jnf qryvtugrq. Gurl jrag gb
+frireny avtugpyhof, qenax punzcntar, qnaprq naq unq n tybevbhf
+riravat. Vg unq tbggra dhvgr yngr jura fur zbgvbarq sbe gur crapvy naq
+qerj n cvpgher bs n sbhe-cbfgre orq. Ur jnf qhzosbhaqrq, naq unf arire
+or noyr gb haqrefgnaq ubj fur xarj ur jnf va gur sheavgher ohfvarff.
+%
+Gur ceboyrz jvgu orvat orfg zna ng n jrqqvat vf gung lbh arire trg n
+punapr gb cebir vg.
+%
+Gur erny ceboyrz jvgu shpxvat n furrc vf gung lbh unir gb jnyx nebhaq
+va sebag rirel gvzr lbh jnag gb xvff ure.
+%
+Gur ernfba jr arrq gur ZK zvffvyr flfgrz vf gung gur zvffvyrf jr
+pheeragyl unir va gur tebhaq ner gur Zvahgrzna zbqry, juvpu vf irel
+byq. Gur Qrsrafr Qrcnegzrag pna'g rira erzrzore jurer unys bs gurz
+ner. Vafrpgf unir ohvyg arfgf va gurz. Crbcyr unir ohvyg ubhfrf
+qverpgyl bire gur fvybf. Jung guvf zrnaf, bs pbhefr, vf gung vs jr
+rire arrqrq gurz gb uryc boyvgrengr nyy uhzna yvsr ba gur cynarg, gurl
+pbhyq or n erny rzoneenffzrag. V zrna, znlor LBH'ER pbzsbegnoyr jvgu
+gur cebfcrpg bs zvffvyrf gung ner fhccbfrq gb ercerfrag lbh onetvat
+bire gur Abegu Cbyr genvyvat fuerqf bs cbylrfgre pnecrgvat sebz fbzr
+erperngvba ebbz va Fbhgu Qnxbgn, ohg lbhe fgengrtvp qrsrafr cynaaref
+ner abg.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Ng Ynfg, gur Hygvzngr Qrgreerag Ntnvafg
+ Cbyvgvpny Snyybhg"
+%
+Gur fretrnag jnyxrq vagb gur fubjre naq pnhtug zr tvivat zlfrys n
+qvfubabenoyr qvfpunetr. Jvgubhg zvffvat n orng, V fnvq, "Vg'f zl qvpx
+naq V pna jnfu vg nf snfg nf V jnag!"
+%
+ Gur Fcyvg-Ngbz Oyhrf
+
+Tvzzr Gjvaxvrf, tvzzr jvar,
+ Tvzzr wrnaf ol Pnyiva Xyvar ...
+Ohg vs lbh fcyvg gubfr ngbzf svar,
+ Znzn xrrc 'rz bss gubfr trarf bs zvar!
+
+Tvzzr mvgf, gnxr zl qbhtu,
+ Tvzzr nefravp va zl wryyl ebyy ...
+Pnyy gur qrivy naq fryy zl fbhy,
+ Ohg Znzn xrrc qrz ngbzf jubyr!
+ -- Zvyb Oybbz, "Oybbz Pbhagl"
+%
+"Gur Fgngr bs Pnyvsbeavn unf ab ohfvarff fhofvqvmvat vagryyrpghny
+phevbfvgl."
+ -- Ebanyq Erntna
+%
+Gur fhcrecbjref bsgra orunir yvxr gjb urnivyl nezrq oyvaq zra srryvat
+gurve jnl nebhaq n ebbz, rnpu oryvrivat uvzfrys va zbegny crevy sebz
+gur bgure, jubz ur nffhzrf gb unir cresrpg ivfvba. Rnpu graqf gb
+nfpevor gb gur bgure fvqr n pbafvfgrapl, sbefvtug naq pburerapr gung
+vgf bja rkcrevrapr oryvrf. Bs pbhefr, rira gjb oyvaq zra pna qb
+rabezbhf qnzntr gb rnpu bgure, abg gb fcrnx bs gur ebbz.
+ -- Urael Xvffvatre
+%
+Gur Havgrq Fgngrf Nezl;
+194 lrnef bs cebhq freivpr,
+haunzcrerq ol cebterff.
+%
+Gur Havgrq Fgngrf vf yvxr gur thl ng gur cnegl jub tvirf pbpnvar gb
+rirelobql naq fgvyy abobql yvxrf uvz.
+ -- Wvz Fnzhryf
+%
+"Gur ibgref unir fcbxra, gur onfgneqf ..."
+%
+"Gur jubyr jbeyq vf nobhg guerr qevaxf oruvaq."
+ -- Uhzcuerl Obtneg
+%
+Gur jbeq "fcvar" vf, bs pbhefr, na nantenz bs "cravf". Guvf vf gehr va
+nyzbfg svsgl creprag bs gur ynathntrf bs gur Tnynkl, naq znal crbcyr
+unir nggrzcgrq gb rkcynva jul. Hfhnyyl gurfr rkcynangvbaf trg obttrq
+qbja va fvyyl chaf nobhg "fgnaqvat rerpg".
+ -- Qbhtynf Nqnzf, "Gur Uvgpuuvxre'f Thvqr gb gur Tnynkl"
+%
+Gur jbeyq vf na 8000 zvyr va qvnzrgre fcurevpny cvyr bs fuvg.
+%
+ Gurz Gbnq Fhpxref
+
+Ubj 'obhg gurz gbnq fhpxref, nva'g gurl pybqf?
+Fvggva' gurer fhpxva' gurz terra gbnql sebtf!
+
+Fhpxva' gurz ubc gbnqf, fhpxva' gurz puhaxref,
+Fhpxva' gurz n yrncl glcr, fhpxva' gurz syhaxref.
+
+Ybbx ng gurz gbnq fhpxref, nva'g gurl fanccl?
+Fhpxva' gurz obt sebtf fher znxr'f 'rz unccl!
+
+Gurz uhttre zhttre gbnq fhpxref, jnl qbja fbhgu,
+Fgvpxva' gurz fhpxl gbnqf va gurl zbhgu!
+
+Ubj gb or n gbnq fhpxre, ab jnl gb qhpx vg,
+Trg lbhefrys n gbnq, erne onpx, naq fhpx vg!
+ -- Znfba Jvyyvnzf
+%
+Gurer ner nyfb n ybg bs avpr ohvyqvatf va Unvcubat. Jung gurve
+pbagevohgvbaf ner gb gur jne rssbeg V qba'g xabj, ohg gur qrfver gb
+obzo n ivetva ohvyqvat vf greevsvp.
+ -- Pbzznaqre Urael Heona We.
+%
+Gurer ner eribyhgvbaf gung ner fjrrcvat gur jbeyq naq jr va Nzrevpn
+unir orra va n cbfvgvba bs gelvat gb fgbc gurz. Jvgu nyy gur jrnygu bs
+Nzrevpn, jvgu nyy bs gur zvyvgnel fgeratgu bs Nzrevpn, gubfr
+eribyhgvbaf ner eribyhgvbaf ntnvafg n sbez bs cbyvgvpny naq rpbabzvp
+betnavmngvba va gur pbhagevrf bs Nfvn naq gur Zvqqyr Rnfg gung ner
+bccerffvir. Gurl ner eribyhgvbaf ntnvafg srhqnyvfz. [1952]
+ -- Fhcerzr Pbheg Whfgvpr Jvyyvnz B. Qbhtynf
+%
+Gurer ner gjb fvqrf gb rirel qvibepr: lbhef naq gur fuvgurnq'f.
+%
+"Gurer vf n Tbq, ohg Ur qevaxf"
+ -- Oyber
+%
+Gurer bapr jnf n pbhcyr anzrq Xryyrl,
+Jub yvirq gurve yvsr oryyl gb oryyl.
+ Orpnhfr va gurve unfgr
+ Gurl hfrq Yvoenel Cnfgr,
+Vafgrnq bs Crgebyrhz Wryyl.
+%
+Gurer bapr jnf n svrfgl lbhat greevre
+Jub yvxrq gb ovgr tveyf ba gur qreevrer.
+ Ur'q lvc naq ur'q lnc,
+ Gura yrnc hc naq fanc;
+Naq gur snvere gur qreevrer gur zreevre.
+%
+Gurer bapr jnf n serfuzna anzrq Yva,
+Jubfr gbby jnf nf guva nf n cva,
+ N ivetva anzrq Wbna
+ Sebz n ovoyr oryg ubzr,
+Fnvq "Guvf jba'g or zhpu bs n fva."
+%
+Gurer bapr jnf n unpxre anzrq Xra
+Jub vaurevgrq gehpxybnqf bs Lra
+ Fb ur ohvyg uvz fbzr puvpxf
+ Bs fvyvpba puvcf
+Naq unfa'g orra urneq sebz fvapr gura.
+%
+Gurer bapr jnf n ynql sebz Rkrgre,
+Fb cerggl gung zra penarq gurve arpxf ng ure.
+ Bar jnf rira fb oenir
+ Nf gb gnxr bhg naq jnir
+Gur qvfgvathvfuvat znex bs uvf frk ng ure.
+%
+Gurer bapr jnf n zna anzrq Rhtrar
+Jub vairagrq n fperjvat znpuvar
+ Pbapnir naq pbairk
+ Vg freirq rvgure frk
+Naq vg cynlrq jvgu vgfrys va orgjrra.
+%
+Gurer bapr jnf n cyhzore sebz Yrvtu,
+Jub jnf cyhzovat uvf znvq ol gur frn,
+ Fnvq fur, "Cyrnfr fgbc cyhzovat,
+ V guvax fbzrbar'f pbzvat!"
+Fnvq ur, "Lrf V xabj ybir, vg'f zr."
+%
+Gurer bapr jnf n dhrra bs Ohytnevn
+Jubfr ohfu unq tebja unvevre naq unvevre,
+ Gvyy n cevapr sebz Creh
+ Jub pnzr hc sbe n fperj
+Unq gb uhag sbe ure phag jvgu n greevre.
+%
+Gurer bapr jnf n Fpbg anzrq ZpNzrgre
+Jvgu n gbby bs cebqvtvbhf qvnzrgre.
+ Vg jnf abg gur fvmr
+ Gung pnhfr fhpu fhecevfr;
+'Gjnf uvf eulguz -- vnzovp cragnzrgre.
+%
+Gurer jnf n oyhrfgbpxvat va Syberapr
+Jebgr nagv-frk cnzcuyrgf va gbeeragf,
+ Gvyy n Fcnavfu tenaqrr,
+ Tbg ure bss jvgu uvf xarr,
+Naq fur ohearq nyy ure jbexf jvgu noubeerapr.
+%
+Gurer jnf n tnl pbhagrff bs Oenl,
+Naq lbh znl guvax vg bqq jura V fnl,
+ Gung va fcvgr bs uvtu fgngvba,
+ Enax naq rqhpngvba,
+Fur nyjnlf fcryyrq phag jvgu n "x".
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat sryybj anzrq Oyvff
+Jubfr frk yvsr jnf fgenatryl nzvff,
+ Sbe rira jvgu Irahf
+ Uvf erpnypvgenag cravf
+Jbhyq arire qb orggre guna g
+ u
+ v
+ f
+ .
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat tvey sebz Ubat Xbat
+Jubfr preivpny pnc jnf n tbat.
+ Fur fnvq jvgu n lryy,
+ Nf n fubg enat ure oryy,
+"V'yy tvir lbh n qvat sbe n qbat!"
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat tvey anzrq Fnccuver
+Jub fhpphzorq gb ure ybire'f qrfver.
+ Fur fnvq, "Vg'f n fva,
+ Ohg abj gung vg'f va,
+Pbhyq lbh fubir vg n srj vapurf uvture?"
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat tvey bs Natvan
+Jub fgergpurq pngthg npebff ure intvan.
+ Sebz gur ybir-znxvat sebpx
+ (Jvgu gur cebcre fvmrq pbpx)
+Pnzr Gbpngn naq Shthr va Q zvabe.
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat tvey bs Qnewrryvat
+Jub pbhyq qnapr jvgu fhpu rkdhvfvgr srryvat
+ Gurer jnf arire n fbhaq
+ Sbe zvyrf nebhaq
+Fnir bs syl-ohggbaf uvggvat gur prvyvat.
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat ynq anzr bs Qhepna
+Jub jnf nyjnlf wrexva' uvf turexva.
+ Uvf sngure fnvq, "Qhepna!
+ Fgbc wrexva' lbhe turexva!
+Lbhe turexva'f sbe srexva', abg wrexva'.
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat ynql sebz Znvar
+Jub pynvzrq fur unq zra ba ure oenva.
+ Ohg lbh xarj sebz gur ivrj,
+ Nf ure noqbzra terj,
+Vg jnf abg ba ure oenva gung ur'q ynva.
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat ynql anzrq Pynve
+Jub cbffrffrq n zntavsvprag cnve;
+ Ng yrnfg fb V gubhtug
+ Gvyy V fnj bar trg pnhtug
+Ba n gubea, naq ortva ybfvat nve.
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat ynql anzrq Unyy,
+Jber n arjfcncre qerff gb n onyy.
+ Gur qerff pnhtug ba sver
+ Naq ohearq ure ragver
+Sebag cntr, fcbegvat frpgvba, naq nyy.
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat ynql anzrq Gjvff
+Jub fnvq fur gubhtug shpxvat n oyvff,
+ Sbe vg gvpxyrq ure ohz
+ Naq pnhfrq ure gb pbzr
+.fvug rxvy tavly lyongebszbp ryvuJ
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat ynql bs Abejnl
+Jub uhat ol ure gbrf va n qbbejnl.
+ Fur fnvq gb ure ornh
+ "Whfg ybbx ng zr Wbr
+V guvax V'ir qvfpbirerq bar zber jnl."
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat zna sebz Ory-Nver
+Jub jnf fperjvat uvf tvey ba gur fgnve,
+ Ohg gur onavfgre oebxr
+ Fb ur qbhoyrq uvf fgebxr
+Naq svavfurq ure bss va zvq-nve.
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat zna anzrq Pebpxrgg
+Jubfr onyyf tbg pnhtug va n fbpxrg.
+ Uvf jvsr jnf n ovgpu,
+ Naq fur guerj gur fjvgpu,
+Nf Pebpxrgg jrag bss yvxr n ebpxrg.
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat zna bs Pncr Ubea
+Jub jvfurq ur unq arire orra obea,
+ Naq ur jbhyqa'g unir orra
+ Vs uvf sngure unq frra
+Gung gur raq bs gur ehoore jnf gbea.
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat zna bs Fg. Wbua'f
+Jub jnagrq gb ohttre gur fjnaf.
+ Ohg gur yblny unyy cbegre
+ Fnvq, "Cenl gnxr zl qnhtugre!
+Gubfr oveqf ner erfreirq sbe gur qbaf."
+%
+Gurer jnf n lbhat juber sebz xnybb
+Jub svyyrq ure intvan jvgu tyhr.
+ Fur fnvq jvgu n teva,
+ "Vs gurl cnl gb trg va,
+Gurl pna cnl gb trg bhg ntnva gbb!"
+%
+Gurer jnf na byq zna bs gur cbeg
+Jubfr cevpx jnf erznexnoyl fubeg.
+ Jura ur tbg vagb orq,
+ Gur byq jbzna fnvq,
+"Guvf vfa'g n cevpx; vg'f n jneg!"
+%
+Gurer jnf na byq cvengr anzrq Ongrf
+Jub jnf yrneavat gb euhzon ba fxngrf.
+ Ur sryy ba uvf phgynff
+ Juvpu eraqrerq uvz ahgyrff
+Naq cenpgvpnyyl hfryrff ba qngrf.
+%
+Gurer jrer gur Fpbgf
+Jub xrcg gur Fnoongu
+Naq rirelguvat ryfr gurl pbhyq ynl gurve unaqf ba.
+Gura gurer jrer gur Jryfu
+Jub cenlrq ba gurve xarrf naq gurve arvtuobef.
+Guveqyl gurer jrer gur Vevfu
+Jub arire xarj jung gurl jnagrq
+Ohg jrer jvyyvat gb svtug sbe vg naljnl.
+Ynfgyl gurer jrer gur Ratyvfu
+Jub pbafvqrerq gurzfryirf n frys-znqr angvba
+Guhf eryvrivat gur Nyzvtugl bs n qernqshy erfcbafvovyvgl.
+%
+Gurer'f orra ab gbc nhgubevgl fnlvat jung znevwhnan qbrf gb lbh. V
+ernyyl qba'g xabj gung zhpu nobhg vg. V gevrq vg bapr ohg vg qvqa'g qb
+nalguvat gb zr.
+ -- Wbua Jnlar
+%
+Gurer'f zber guna bar jnl gb fxva n png:
+ Jnl ahzore 15 -- Xenml Tyhr naq n gbbguoehfu.
+%
+Gurer'f zber guna bar jnl gb fxva n png:
+ Jnl ahzore 27 -- Hfr na ryrpgevp fnaqre.
+%
+Gurer'f zber guna bar jnl gb fxva n png:
+ Jnl ahzore 32 -- Jenc vg nebhaq n ybaryl seng zna'f crpxre.
+%
+Gurer'f abguvat orggre guna tbbq frk. Ohg onq frk? N crnahg ohggre
+naq wryyl fnaqjvpu vf orggre guna onq frk.
+ -- Ovyyl Wbry
+%
+Gurer'f abguvat jebat jvgu Nzrevpn gung n tbbq rerpgvba jbhyqa'g pher.
+ -- Qnivq Znvebjvgm
+%
+Guvf vf n grfg bs gur rzretrapl phaavyvathf flfgrz. Vs guvf unq orra na
+npghny rzretrapl, lbh jbhyq unir xabja vg!
+%
+Guvf vf Angvbany Fzbxref-Ner-Fuvgf Jrrx.
+%
+Guvf yvzrevpx vf **FB**SVYGUL** gung vg jbhyq bssraq lbh. Fb V'yy chg
+"qv-qnu" sbe gur svygul jbeqf:
+
+ Qv-qnu, qv-qnu, qv-qnu qv-qnu,
+ Qv-qnu qv-qnu qv-qnu, qv-qnu;
+ qv-qnu qv-qnu qv-qnu?
+ Qv-qnu qv-qnu qv-qnu.
+ Qv-qnu qv-qnu, qv-qnu qv-shpx.
+%
+Guvf grfg unf orra qrfvtarq gb rinyhngr ernpgvbaf bs znantrzrag
+crefbany gb inevbhf fvghngvbaf.
+
+Lbh ner znxvat n fnyrf cerfragngvba gb n tebhc bs pbecbengr rkrphgvirf
+va gur cyhfurfg bssvpr lbh'ir rire frra. Gur rapuvyynqn pnffrebyr naq
+rtt fnynq fnaqjvpu lbh unq sbe yhapu ernpg, perngvat frirer cerffher.
+Lbhe fcuvapgre ybfrf pbageby naq lbh oernx jvaq, pnhfvat gur tynff
+obbxpnfr qbbef gb funggre naq n frpergnel gb cnff bhg.
+
+LBH FUBHYQ:
+
+(n) Bssre gb pbzr onpx arkg jrrx jura gur fzryy unf tbar njnl.
+(o) Cbvag gb gur Puvrs Rkrphgvir naq npphfr uvz bs gur bssrafr.
+(p) Punyyratr nalbar va gur ebbz gb qb orggre.
+%
+Gubh funyg abg bzvg nqhygrel.
+%
+Gb n Erny Jbzna, rirel rwnphyngvba vf cerzngher.
+%
+"Gbz Unlqra vf gur xvaq bs cbyvgvpvna jub tvirf bccbeghavfz n onq
+anzr."
+ -- Tber Ivqny
+%
+'Gjnf betl, naq gur uvc naq zbq Naq nf va enssvfu gubhtug ur fcenjyrq,
+Qvq tebbir naq gevc bhg ng gur cnq: Gur Enqpyvssr tvey, ab vqyr syveg,
+Nyy juvzfl jrer gur fynzzvat puvpxf, Percg cnfg gur uvccvrf trggvat onyyrq
+Naq gur Enqpyvssr haqretenq. Naq qbssrq ure zvavfxveg.
+
+"Orjner gur Enqpyvssr tvey, zl fba! Bar, gjb! Bar, gjb! Naq guebhtu
+Gur ybbxf gung zryg, gur pynjf gung naq guebhtu
+ pngpu! Gur irarenoyr fgnss jrag favpxre-fanpx!
+Orjner gur Olea Znje qro, naq fuha Ur yrsg ure oerq, fnaf znvqraurnq,
+Gur hccvgl Jryyrfyrlfangpu!" Naq jrag tnyhzcuvat onpx.
+
+Ur gbbx uvf irarenoyr fgnss va unaq: "Naq unfg gubh ynvq gur Enqpyvssr tvey?
+Ybat gvzr gur pbby lbhat fghss ur Pbzr gb zl nezf, zl ubeal obl!
+ fbhtug -- B fcnprq-bhg qnl! Pnybbu! Pnyynl!"
+Fb erfgrq ur nzbat gur fcerr Ur pnpxyrq va uvf wbl.
+Naq cnhfrq gb fzbxr fbzr cbg.
+ 'Gjnf betl, naq gur uvc naq zbq
+ Qvq tebbir naq gevc bhg ng gur cnq:
+ Nyy juvzfl jrer gur fynzzvat puvpxf,
+ Naq gur Enqpyvssr haqretenq.
+%
+ Gjb yvggyr xvqf, ntrq fvk naq rvtug, qrpvqr vg'f gvzr gb yrnea
+ubj gb fjrne. Fb, gur rvtug-lrne-byq fnlf gb gur fvk-lrne-byq, "Bxnl,
+lbh fnl `nff' naq V'yy fnl `uryy'".
+ Nyy rkpvgrq nobhg gurve cyna, gurl gebbc qbjafgnvef, jurer
+gurve zbgure nfxf gurz jung gurl'q yvxr sbe oernxsnfg.
+ "Nj, uryy," fnlf gur rvtug-lrne-byq, "tvzzr fbzr Purrevbf."
+Uvf zbgure onpxunaqf uvz bss gur fgbby, fraqvat uvz onjyvat bhg bs gur
+ebbz, naq gheaf gb gur lbhatre oebgure. "Jung'yy lbh unir?"
+ "V qhaab," dhniref gur fvk-lrne-byq, "ohg lbh pna org lbhe nff
+vg nva'g tbaan or Purrevbf."
+%
+"Haqre pncvgnyvfz, zna rkcybvgf zna. Haqre Pbzzhavfz, vg'f whfg gur
+bccbfvgr."
+ -- Wbua Xraargu Tnyoenvgu
+%
+Hccref ner ab ybatre fglyvfu, zrgurqevar vf nyzbfg nf ener nf cher npvq
+be QZG. "Pbafpvbhfarff Rkcnafvba" jrag bhg jvgu YOW naq vg vf jbegu
+abgvat, uvfgbevpnyyl, gung qbjaref pnzr va jvgu Avkba.
+ -- Qe. Uhagre F. Gubzcfba
+%
+Irtrgnevnaf sbe beny frk -- "Gur bayl zrng gung'f svg gb rng"
+%
+Ivqv, ivpv, irav.
+(V fnj, V pbadhrerq, V pnzr.)
+%
+Ivetva, a.:
+ Na htyl guveq tenqre.
+%
+Jne vf zrafgehngvba rail.
+%
+"Jngre? Arire gbhpu gur fghss! Svfu shpx va vg."
+ -- J. P. Svryqf
+%
+Jr pnyy bhe qbt Rtlcg, orpnhfr va rirel ebbz ur yrnirf n clenzvq.
+%
+"Jr qba'g unir gb cebgrpg gur raivebazrag -- gur Frpbaq Pbzvat vf ng
+unaq."
+ -- Wnzrf Jngg
+%
+Jr unir ernfba gb oryvrir gung zna svefg
+jnyxrq hcevtug gb serr uvf unaqf sbe znfgheongvba.
+ -- Yvyl Gbzyva
+%
+"Jr fubhyq qrpyner jne ba Abegu Ivrganz. Jr pbhyq cnir gur jubyr
+pbhagel naq chg cnexvat fgevcf ba vg, naq fgvyy or ubzr ol Puevfgznf."
+ -- Ebanyq Erntna
+%
+JR'ER TBVAT GB GUEBJ GUR ZK NJNL NSGRE JR OHVYQ VG. Gur ZK vf ernyyl
+[Qba'g gryy nalobql!] whfg n "onetnvavat puvc" va gur ahpyrne-nezf-
+erqhpgvba gnyxf jvgu gur Ehffvnaf. Frr, jr unir n ceboyrz jvgu gur
+Ehffvnaf. Gurl ybbx ng bhe yrnqref naq gurl frr, sbe rknzcyr, Trbetr
+Ohfu, jub vf ernyyl n svar naq oenir zna ohg jub unccraf gb unir guvf
+hasbeghangr culfvpny punenpgrevfgvp jurerol jura ur gnyxf ur fbhaqf nf
+gubhtu ur whfg vaunyrq n uryvhz cnegl onyybba. Vs ur rire orpbzrf
+Cerfvqrag, gur Ehffvnaf jvyy qryvorengryl perngr ahpyrne pevfrf whfg fb
+gurl pna tngure nebhaq gur Ubg Yvar jvgu erserfuzragf naq yvfgra gb
+Trbetr gnyx.
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Ng Ynfg, gur Hygvzngr Qrgreerag Ntnvafg
+ Cbyvgvpny Snyybhg"
+%
+Jryy, frr, Wblpr, gurer jr jrer, genccrq va gur ryringbe. Abj, V unq
+zl graavf enpdhrg naq gur tbyqsvfu; fur jnf ubyqvat gur Pevfpb. Fheryl
+lbh pna vzntvar ubj bar guvat anghenyyl yrq gb nabgure!
+%
+Jryy, gurer jnf guvf gvtre, jub jbxr hc bar zbeavat, naq whfg sryg
+terng (lrf, whfg yvxr Gbal gur Gvtre: TERNNNNNNG). Naljnl, ur whfg
+sryg fb tbbq, ur jrag bhg naq pbearerq n fznyy zbaxrl naq ebnerq ng
+uvz: "JUB VF GUR ZVTUGVRFG BS NYY GUR WHATYR NAVZNYF?" Naq guvf cbbe
+dhnxvat yvggyr zbaxrl ercyvrq: "Lbh ner bs pbhefr, ab bar vf zvtugvre
+guna lbh." N yvggyr juvyr yngre guvf gvtre pbasebagf n qrre, naq whfg
+oryybjf bhg: "JUB VF GUR TERNGRFG NAQ FGEBATRFG BS NYY GUR WHATYR
+NAVZNYF?" Gur qrre vf funxvat fb uneq vg pna oneryl fcrnx, ohg znantrf
+gb fgnzzre: "Bu terng gvtre, lbh ner ol sne gur zvtugvrfg navzny va gur
+whatyr." Gur gvtre, orvat ba n ebyy, fjnttrerq, hc gb na ryrcunag gung
+jnf dhvrgyl zhapuvat ba fbzr jrrqf, naq ebnerq ng gur gbc bs uvf ibvpr:
+"JUB VF GUR ZVTUGVRFG BS NYY GUR NAVZNYF VA GUR WHATYR?" Jryy, guvf
+ryrcunag tenof gur gvtre jvgu uvf gehax, cvpxf uvz hc, fynzf uvz qbja;
+cvpxf uvz hc ntnva, naq funxrf uvz hagvy gur gvtre vf whfg n oyhe bs
+benatr naq oynpx; naq svanyyl guebjf uvz ivbyragyl vagb n arneol gerr.
+Gur gvtre fgnttref gb uvf srrg naq ybbxf ng gur ryrcunag naq fnlf:
+"Zna, whfg orpnhfr lbh qba'g xabj gur nafjre, lbh qba'g unir gb trg fb
+cvffrq."
+%
+Jung pna lbh hfr hfrq gnzcbaf sbe? Grn ontf sbe inzcverf.
+%
+Jung qvq Zvpxrl Zbhfr trg sbe Puevfgznf?
+N Qna Dhnlyr jngpu.
+%
+Jung vf gur qvssvphygl jvgu jevgvat n CQC-8 cebtenz gb rzhyngr Wreel
+Sbeq?
+
+Svthevat bhg jung gb qb jvgu gur bgure 3X.
+%
+ "Jung gur uryy ner lbh trggvat fb hcfrg nobhg? V gubhtug lbh
+qvqa'g oryvrir va Tbq."
+ "V qba'g," fur fboorq, ohefgvat ivbyragyl vagb grnef, "ohg gur
+Tbq V qba'g oryvrir va vf n tbbq Tbq, n whfg Tbq, n zrepvshy Tbq. Ur'f
+abg gur zrna naq fghcvq Tbq lbh znxr Uvz bhg gb or."
+ -- Wbfrcu Uryyre, "Pngpu-22"
+%
+Jura Tbq perngrq zna, Fur jnf bayl grfgvat.
+%
+Jura Tbq perngrq gjb frkrf, ur znl unir orra bireqbvat vg.
+ -- Puneyrf Zreevyy Fzvgu
+%
+"Jura V tebj hc, V jnag gb or na ubarfg ynjlre fb guvatf yvxr gung
+pna'g unccra."
+ -- Evpuneq Avkba nf n obl (ba gur Grncbg Qbzr fpnaqny)
+%
+Jura vg nyy obvyf qbja gb gur rffrapr bs gehgu bar zhfg yvir ol n qbt'f
+ehyr bs yvsr: vs lbh pna'g rng vg be shpx vg, cvff ba vg!
+%
+ Jura gur fhetrba pnzr gb frr ure ba gur zbeavat nsgre ure
+bcrengvba, gur lbhat jbzna nfxrq ure fbzrjung urfvgnagyl ubj ybat vg
+jbhyq or orsber fur pbhyq erfhzr ure frk yvsr. "V ernyyl unira'g
+gubhtug nobhg vg," thycrq gur fghaarq fhetrba. "Lbh'er gur svefg
+cngvrag jub'f nfxrq zr gung nsgre n gbafvyyrpgbzl!"
+%
+Juvyr V, jvgu zl hfhny raguhfvnfz,
+Jnf rkcybevat va Rezvagehqr'f ohfvnfz,
+ Fur rkcynvarq, "Gurl ner syng,
+ Ohg guvax abguvat bs gung --
+Lbh jvyy svaq gung zl fjrrg fvfgre Fhfvnfz."
+%
+"Juvgr Ubhfr pnecragref unir erjbexrq gur znfgre orqebbz, erzbqryvat vg
+fb gung Ebaavr pna fyrrc jvgu uvf urnq va gur unyy. Gung jnl, ol gur
+gvzr ur jnxrf hc, fbzrobql jvyy unir nyernql fuvarq uvf unve."
+%
+Jul vf vg gung gurer ner fb znal zber ubefrf' nffrf guna gurer ner
+ubefrf?
+ -- T. Tbeqba Yvqql
+%
+Jul zneel n ivetva? Vs fur jnfa'g tbbq rabhtu sbe gur erfg bs gurz
+gura fur vfa'g tbbq rabhtu sbe lbh.
+%
+Jbzra Havgr! Znxr *___uvz* fyrrc va gur jrg fcbg gbavtug!
+%
+Jbzra jub jnag gb or rdhny gb zra ynpx vzntvangvba
+ -- Tenssvgb va n jbzra'f erfgebbz
+%
+Jbzra'f Yvooref ner BX. V whfg jbhyqa'g jnag zl fvfgre gb zneel bar.
+%
+Jbhyq lbh zvaq greevoyl zhpu vs V nfxrq lbh gb gnxr lbhe fvyyl-nffrq
+ceboyrz qbja gur unyy?
+%
+"Lrf, gung jnf Evpuneq Avkba. Ur hfrq gb or Cerfvqrag. Jura ur yrsg
+gur Juvgr Ubhfr, gur Frperg Freivpr jbhyq pbhag gur fvyirejner."
+ -- Jbbql Nyyra, "Fyrrcre"
+%
+Lbh nyjnlf vagebqhpr gur lbhatre crefba gb gur byqre crefba, hfvat gur
+jbeqvat: "Zvff Oebja, V'q yvxr gb vagebqhpr lbh gb na byqre crefba"
+(hayrff ure anzr vf abg "Zvff Oebja"). Vs lbh qb abg xabj n crefba'f
+ntr, nfx sbe n qevire'f yvprafr naq n znwbe perqvg pneq. Vs lbh ner
+vagebqhprq gb n zrzore bs n zvabevgl tebhc, hfr gur "uvtu-svir" fglyr
+unaqfunxr, sbyybjrq ol n erznex qrfvtarq gb fubj lbh qba'g zvaq n ovg,
+fhpu nf "V frr lbh ner n (anzr bs n zvabevgl tebhc)! Tbbq!"
+ -- Qnir Oneel, "Gur Fghss bs Rgvdhrggr"
+%
+"Lbh naq V nf vaqvivqhnyf pna, ol obeebjvat, yvir orlbaq bhe zrnaf, ohg
+bayl sbe n yvzvgrq crevbq bs gvzr. Jul fubhyq jr guvax gung pbyyrpgviryl,
+nf n angvba, jr ner abg obhaq ol gung fnzr yvzvgngvba?"
+ -- Ebanyq Erntna
+%
+Lbh ner ng n ohfvarff yhapu jura lbh ner fhqqrayl birepbzr jvgu na
+hapbagebyynoyr qrfver gb cvpx lbhe abfr. Fvapr guvf vf qrsvavgryl n
+ab-ab, lbh:
+
+(n) Cergraq gb jnir gb fbzrbar npebff gur ebbz naq jvgu bar syhvq
+ zbgvba, ohel lbhe sbersvatre va lbhe abfgevy evtug hc gb gur 4gu
+ wbvag.
+
+(o) Trg rirelbar qehax naq betnavmr n abfr cvpxvat pbagrfg jvgu n cevmr
+ gb gur bar jub znxrf uvf abfr oyrrq svefg.
+
+(p) Qebc lbhe ancxva ba gur sybbe naq jura lbh oraq bire gb cvpx vg hc,
+ oybj lbhe abfr ba lbhe fbpx.
+%
+Lbh orggre oryvrir gung znevwhnan pna pnhfr pnfgengvba. Whfg fhccbfr
+lbhe tveysevraq trgf gur zhapuvrf!
+%
+Lbh pna yrnq n juber gb Inffre, ohg lbh pna'g znxr ure guvax.
+ -- Serqrevpx O. Negm
+%
+Lbh pna cvpx lbhe sevraqf, naq lbh pna cvpx lbhe abfr, ohg lbh pna'g
+cvpx lbhe sevraq'f abfr.
+%
+Lbh pna'g haqrerfgvzngr gur cbjre bs srne.
+ -- Gevpvn Avkba
+%
+Lbh pbzr bhg bs n jbzna naq lbh fcraq gur erfg bs lbhe yvsr gelvat gb
+trg onpx vafvqr.
+ -- Urngupbgr Jvyyvnzf
+%
+Lbh unir whfg erghearq sebz n gevc gb Terra Onl, Jvfpbafva va Wnahnel
+naq gryy lbhe obff gung abobql ohg juberf naq sbbgonyy cynlref yvir
+gurer. Ur zragvbaf gung uvf jvsr vf sebz Terra Onl. Lbh:
+
+(n) Cergraq lbh ner fhssrevat sebz nzarfvn naq qba'g erzrzore lbhe
+ anzr.
+
+(o) Nfx jung cbfvgvba fur cynlrq.
+
+(p) Nfx vs fur vf fgvyy jbexvat gur fgerrgf.
+%
+Lbh unir cercnerq n cebcbfny sbe lbhe fhcreivfbe. Gur fhpprff bs guvf
+cebcbfny jvyy zrna vapernfvat lbhe fnynel 20%. Va gur zvqqyr bs lbhe
+cebcbfny lbhe fhcreivfbe yrnaf bire gb ybbx ng lbhe ercbeg naq fcvgf
+vagb lbhe pbssrr. Lbh:
+
+(n) Gryy uvz lbh gnxr lbhe pbssrr oynpx.
+
+(o) Nfx uvz vs ur unf nal pbzzhavpnoyr qvfrnfrf.
+
+(p) Fubj uvz jub'f va pbzznaq; cebzcgyl gnxr n yrnx va uvf "Va"
+ onfxrg.
+%
+"Lbh unir gb ertneq rirelguvat V fnl jvgu fhfcvpvba -- V znl or gelvat
+gb ohyyfuvg lbh, be V znl whfg or ohyyfuvggvat lbh vanqiregragyl."
+ -- W. Jnvajevtug, Zngurzngvpf 140o
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..28ced4a8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok
@@ -0,0 +1,299 @@
+A.I
+ACLU's
+Aire
+Alzheimer's
+Andropov
+Angina
+Ansel
+Artz
+Aw
+BULLSHIT
+Begorrah
+Benchley
+Bierce
+Blore
+Bogart
+Bormann
+Byrn
+COUNTERFACTUAL
+Callay
+Calooh
+Caspar
+Castlereagh
+Cheerios
+Cianci
+Clair
+Coito
+Como
+Condoms
+Cosell's
+Counterfactual
+Crisco
+Crotels
+Cunnilingus
+DEMO
+Dalmatians
+Dammit
+Darjeeling
+Deferrals
+Degen
+Diddley
+Durcan
+Ermintrude's
+Ewald
+F.B.I
+FUCKING
+Fagin
+Faire
+Falwell
+Feiffer
+Fie
+Fornication
+Fredrick's
+Friants
+Froats
+Fuck
+Fumets
+GREAAAAAAT
+Galbraith
+Geis
+Gimme
+Goy's
+Graffito
+Greenway
+Groucho
+Haggis
+Heathcote
+Hefner
+Hitchhiker's
+Jewry
+Jr.'s
+KRON
+Kasha
+Krazy
+LeGuin
+Lehrer
+Li
+Libbers
+Liddy
+Lyth
+MOVs
+MX
+Mairowitz
+Mama
+Mannis
+Martina
+Masturbation
+McAmeter
+Methadone
+Milo
+Milpitas
+N'wam
+N.H
+Nader
+Naiman
+Navratilova
+Nope
+Nuke
+O'Riordan's
+Ozy
+PDP
+PUSHJ
+Penis
+Perelman
+Ph.D
+Ploughwright
+Purmal's
+Putrid
+Q.E.D
+Queensboro
+Randel
+Raygun
+Reaganomics
+Ren
+Rosten
+SMOORPLAY
+SMUCK
+SMURFS
+Sahl
+Schlafly
+Seldes
+Shits
+Sittin
+Spraints
+Stamboul
+Stickin
+Suckin
+Susiasm
+Tocata
+Tomlin
+Toynbee
+Tsk
+Twas
+Twinkie
+Twinkies
+Twiss
+U.S
+UFOs
+UUOs
+Valby
+Vasser
+Vidal
+Vidi
+Visme
+Waggying
+Wellesleysnatch
+Werderobe
+What'll
+Wiggam
+Wilde
+Wildebeest
+Wimley
+Ybarra
+Yoric
+Yuletide
+Zappa
+Zukav
+amnesia
+apoplexy
+asshole
+assholes
+basewoman
+belies
+bible
+bleed'n
+boobs
+bras
+brutish
+buffaloes
+bullshit
+bullshitting
+bungee
+busiasm
+carnivorous
+castration
+catgut
+cervical
+chromosome
+coitus
+commie
+containeth
+counterfactual
+countess
+creole
+cubits
+cunnilingus
+cunt
+dah
+de
+deb
+defendin
+dem
+di
+dong
+doric
+dumbfounded
+dunno
+ekil
+elihW
+enchillada
+ergo
+eschatological
+excrement
+eyeing
+farting
+feces
+ferkin
+fetcheth
+fiesty
+findeth
+flunkers
+forsight
+frat
+freakout
+fuck
+fucked
+fucking
+galumphing
+gangrenous
+genital
+gimme
+girlfriend
+gniyl
+goin
+gonna
+grandee
+hansome
+hexahedronical
+husbandryman
+i.e
+iht
+intestinal
+jeered
+jerkin
+k'honi
+kaloo
+kasha
+lassie
+leapy
+lecherous
+lesbian
+limerick
+mah
+maidenhead
+mali
+masturbate
+masturbation
+methedrine
+millions
+miniskirt
+mod
+motherfucker
+motherfuckers
+mousetrap
+munchies
+ne'er
+ok
+ole
+penis
+pentameter
+pere
+peyote
+poena
+pox
+provideth
+qui
+rabbinical
+rabelaisian
+racquet
+rhumba
+saideth
+schlemiel
+shalt
+shit
+shithead's
+shits
+showgirls
+sissies
+sleaze
+soit
+spake
+sphincter
+spikey
+strewed
+suckin
+sucky
+suh
+tonsillectomy
+tooties
+trashcan
+truckloads
+ulcerous
+veni
+vici
+whimsy
+wildebeest
+yamalchas
+ylbatrofmoc
+yogurt
+zits
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..e9fbace0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok
@@ -0,0 +1,1978 @@
+A.A.A.A.A
+A.D
+AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk
+ACHTUNG
+AI
+ALU
+ANRS
+ARCHDUKE
+ASHes
+ATN
+Abbie
+Adamite
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+nylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglu
+nylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolyphenylalanylargi
+nylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolyiso
+nylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucylysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylala
+nylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolythreonylisoleucylprolyli
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diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/startrek b/fortune/datfiles/startrek
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..a5155cb3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/startrek
@@ -0,0 +1,756 @@
+A father doesn't destroy his children.
+ -- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
+ stardate 3468.1.
+%
+A little suffering is good for the soul.
+ -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
+%
+A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and
+licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
+ -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
+%
+A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect
+her.
+ -- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3
+%
+A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even
+his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
+ -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without
+breathing.
+ -- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
+%
+A woman should have compassion.
+ -- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
+%
+Actual war is a very messy business. Very, very messy business.
+ -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
+%
+After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,
+after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true.
+ -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
+ -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
+%
+Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be
+located on a natural invasion route.
+ -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4
+%
+Another dream that failed. There's nothing sadder.
+ -- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
+%
+Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost
+in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ...
+ -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
+enough to play around with that.
+ -- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+"Beauty is transitory."
+"Beauty survives."
+ -- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
+ -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+Blast medicine anyway! We've learned to tie into every organ in the
+human body but one. The brain! The brain is what life is all about.
+ -- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
+%
+But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected ... we may not be
+able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a
+dent in it.
+ -- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
+%
+"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with
+jealousy, greed, hate ..."
+
+"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --
+the other side of the coin"
+ -- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?",
+ stardate 2712.4
+%
+Change is the essential process of all existence.
+ -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
+%
+Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had. Maybe it's
+the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
+ -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to
+serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one
+man. And nothing can replace it or him.
+ -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
+%
+Conquest is easy. Control is not.
+ -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
+%
+Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
+ -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
+%
+Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about.
+That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
+ -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
+%
+Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the
+whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel
+like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels?
+ -- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
+%
+Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
+her by ..." You could feel the wind at your back, about you ... the
+sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and
+the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours ... you can feel her
+... and the stars are still there.
+ -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
+%
+[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers
+-- the living and the dying.
+ -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
+%
+Each kiss is as the first.
+ -- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome",
+ stardate 4842.6
+%
+Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
+ -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
+%
+Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not.
+ -- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
+%
+Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist.
+ -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
+%
+Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same
+mistakes.
+ -- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
+%
+Every living thing wants to survive.
+ -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
+"Or by misleading the innocent."
+ -- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
+ stardate 5029.5.
+%
+Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
+ -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
+%
+Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
+ -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
+Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
+ -- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+First study the enemy. Seek weakness.
+ -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
+ -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
+"It is our worship word too."
+ -- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say,
+"Today I will be brilliant."
+ -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+"Get back to your stations!"
+"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
+ -- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
+ stardate 3417.3
+%
+He's dead, Jim
+ -- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
+%
+History tends to exaggerate.
+ -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
+ -- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6
+%
+I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become
+greater than the sum of both of us.
+ -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to
+any question.
+ -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
+%
+I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without
+constructive purpose.
+ -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
+I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
+circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
+nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever
+logically needs to be done.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
+%
+"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
+and death --"
+"And make them spend it on life."
+ -- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
+ stardate unknown.
+%
+I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right,
+they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel
+it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
+ -- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth.
+ -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
+%
+I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise.
+ -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
+%
+If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
+tend to protect that child.
+ -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
+ -- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
+ -- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
+%
+If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
+ -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
+%
+Immortality consists largely of boredom.
+ -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even
+vegetarians.
+ -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
+%
+Insufficient facts always invite danger.
+ -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
+ -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
+%
+Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
+ -- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
+%
+Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the
+learning of each other?
+ -- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
+ Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3.
+%
+Is truth not truth for all?
+ -- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
+ the Sky", stardate 5476.4.
+%
+It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is
+logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for
+personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
+ -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if
+they're attractive in some way.
+ -- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
+%
+It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+It is necessary to have purpose.
+ -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not
+hers.
+ -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable
+ -- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3
+%
+It would be illogical to kill without reason
+ -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted
+ -- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can
+do so much harm."
+
+"That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's what kept
+the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."
+ -- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
+%
+Killing is stupid; useless!
+ -- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+Killing is wrong.
+ -- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
+ -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+Landru! Guide us!
+ -- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
+%
+Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
+ -- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+"Life and death are seldom logical."
+"But attaining a desired goal always is."
+ -- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
+%
+Live long and prosper.
+ -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
+"You admit that?"
+"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
+ -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
+%
+Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
+ -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
+ stardate unknown
+%
+Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
+ -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3
+%
+Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.
+ -- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
+%
+Many Myths are based on truth
+ -- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3
+%
+Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.
+ -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+Men of peace usually are [brave].
+ -- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
+ -- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8
+%
+Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
+ -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4
+%
+Most legends have their basis in facts.
+ -- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
+%
+Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
+ -- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+No more blah, blah, blah!
+ -- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6
+%
+No one can guarantee the actions of another.
+ -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.
+ -- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
+%
+"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
+"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
+ -- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
+ stardate 5906.5.
+%
+No one wants war.
+ -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
+%
+No problem is insoluble.
+ -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
+%
+Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
+ -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
+ -- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow",
+ stardate 4770.3.
+%
+Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and
+it's still the same song.
+ -- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
+%
+On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy. To me, it
+is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
+instead of saving it.
+ -- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2
+%
+One does not thank logic.
+ -- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for
+advice without necessarily having to take it.
+ -- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2
+%
+Only a fool fights in a burning house.
+ -- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, it
+is only because we have no choice.
+ -- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
+Our way is peace.
+ -- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses",
+ stardate 4040.7.
+%
+Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.
+ -- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
+%
+Peace was the way.
+ -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
+%
+Power is danger.
+ -- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
+ -- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever",
+ stardate unknown
+%
+Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become
+insensitive.
+ -- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
+%
+Respect is a rational process
+ -- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated to
+pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
+ -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident",
+ stardate 5027.3
+%
+Schshschshchsch.
+ -- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2
+%
+Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
+ -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
+%
+Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
+ -- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
+ stardate unknown.
+%
+Star Trek Lives!
+%
+Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
+ -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8
+%
+Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
+ -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+"That unit is a woman."
+"A mass of conflicting impulses."
+ -- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
+%
+"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
+"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
+ -- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal
+than to kill.
+ -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiar
+pattern. We don't fear it as you do.
+ -- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
+ stardate 4041.2
+%
+"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
+"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty."
+ -- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?",
+ stardate 5630.8
+%
+The heart is not a logical organ.
+ -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
+%
+The idea of male and female are universal constants.
+ -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
+ -- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8
+%
+The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often
+a noose.
+%
+The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of
+play.
+ -- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8
+%
+The only solution is ... a balance of power. We arm our side with
+exactly that much more. A balance of power -- the trickiest, most
+difficult, dirtiest game of them all. But the only one that preserves
+both sides.
+ -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. That
+the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of
+destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
+deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
+ -- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
+%
+... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get
+to know each other.
+ -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
+%
+"The release of emotion is what keeps us health. Emotionally healthy."
+
+"That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy release
+of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
+ -- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
+%
+The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
+ -- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
+%
+The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
+ -- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
+%
+... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
+the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
+failures and the glorious victories.
+ -- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
+%
+There are always alternatives.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+There are certain things men must do to remain men.
+ -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4
+%
+There are some things worth dying for.
+ -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
+%
+There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face
+.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves
+as gods.
+ -- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
+%
+There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
+ -- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
+%
+There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's
+life, he is grateful.
+ -- Nona, the Kanuto which woman, "A Private Little War",
+ stardate 4211.8.
+%
+There is an order of things in this universe.
+ -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
+%
+There's a way out of any cage.
+ -- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
+ stardate unknown.
+%
+There's another way to survive. Mutual trust -- and help.
+ -- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is
+nothing good in war. Except its ending.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another
+life form, that's all. You get used to those things.
+ -- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+"There's only one kind of woman ..."
+"Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or you don't."
+ -- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
+%
+This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
+realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
+ -- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
+%
+Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not
+stopped.
+ -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
+ -- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
+%
+To live is always desirable.
+ -- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9
+%
+Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
+ -- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
+%
+Totally illogical, there was no chance.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages. And we can all
+be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
+ -- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
+%
+Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
+ -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
+%
+Virtue is a relative term.
+ -- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1
+%
+Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
+ -- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
+%
+Vulcans do not approve of violence.
+ -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+Vulcans never bluff.
+ -- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1
+%
+Vulcans worship peace above all.
+ -- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
+%
+Wait! You have not been prepared!
+ -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
+%
+War is never imperative.
+ -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+War isn't a good life, but it's life.
+ -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+[War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human
+beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we
+can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
+to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to
+kill today!
+ -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
+%
+We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for
+us.
+ -- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
+%
+We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of
+peaceful contact.
+ -- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3
+%
+We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior
+development.
+ -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7
+%
+We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
+ -- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
+%
+"We have the right to survive!"
+"Not be killing others."
+ -- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
+%
+We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong
+should live.
+ -- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
+%
+We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
+But when it comes to your job -- that's different. And it always will
+be different.
+ -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
+%
+"What happened to the crewman?"
+
+"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in
+the way."
+ -- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
+ stardate 4731.3.
+%
+What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
+ -- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
+ stardate 3219.8
+%
+"What terrible way to die."
+"There are no good ways."
+ -- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --
+and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
+what it was taught, thinks independently.
+ -- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
+ stardate 4731.3.
+%
+When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,
+building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left
+behind by your ancestors. You just sit living and reliving other lives
+left behind in the thought records.
+ -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
+%
+Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
+ -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
+%
+Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya!
+ -- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
+%
+Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely on
+your human intuition.
+ -- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
+%
+Without followers, evil cannot spread.
+ -- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
+%
+Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
+ -- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
+%
+Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more
+sheer horror than the male of the species.
+ -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
+%
+Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
+ -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before",
+ stardate 1312.9.
+%
+Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a
+woman.
+ -- Kirk, "Conscience of the King", stardate unknown
+%
+Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a
+woman.
+ -- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
+%
+Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil.
+ -- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in
+command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
+ -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
+ -- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries. But
+you imprison those who employ it privately.
+ -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
+%
+You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you
+feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If
+the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
+ -- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
+%
+You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're
+welcome," I believe, is the correct response.
+ -- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
+%
+You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you
+are telling the truth. You cannot tell the truth because everything
+you say is a lie. You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for
+you lie.
+ -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference between
+courage and foolhardiness. Always it is the brave ones who die, the
+soldiers.
+ -- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
+ stardate 3201.7
+%
+You! What PLANET is this!
+ -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
+%
+You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
+to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
+to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot.
+ -- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
+%
+You're dead, Jim.
+ -- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+You're dead, Jim.
+ -- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
+%
+You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman.
+ -- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
+%
+Youth doesn't excuse everything.
+ -- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder",
+ stardate 5928.5.
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok b/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..41ecbdfc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/startrek.sp.ok
@@ -0,0 +1,86 @@
+Adonais
+Amanda
+Apella
+Archons
+Armenia
+Atoz
+Capellan
+Catspaw
+Centurion
+Changeling
+Claudius
+Corbomite
+Corby
+Daystrom
+Deela
+Dehaver
+Elaan
+Eleen
+Eneg
+Excalbia
+Galileo
+Gorn
+Gothos
+Hag
+Hedford
+Hodin
+Kank
+Kanuto
+Kelinda
+Kelvan
+Klingon
+Klingons
+Kor
+Kras
+Landru
+Losira
+Lt
+McHuron
+Miramanee
+Miri
+Mulhall's
+Natira
+Nomad
+Nona
+Noonian
+Palamas
+Parmen
+Phillip
+Priestess
+Proconsul
+Requiem
+Rojan
+Romulan
+Sarek
+Sargon
+Schshschshchsch
+Septimus
+Singh
+Sirah
+Spectre
+Spock
+Spock's
+Stepchildren
+Sulu
+Surak
+Thalassa
+Tholian
+Tribbles
+Triskelion
+Troglytes
+Troyius
+Vanna
+Vina
+Yarnek
+Yonada
+Zefrem
+Zetar
+android
+backwash
+bacteriological
+blah
+deSalle
+oid
+stardate
+tactician
+ya
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/zippy b/fortune/datfiles/zippy
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..c9ed1061
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/zippy
@@ -0,0 +1,1333 @@
+A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
+%
+A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
+%
+A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
+%
+A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
+with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
+%
+Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
+%
+All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
+by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
+%
+All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
+a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know
+WHY!!
+%
+All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
+%
+All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
+%
+All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
+%
+Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
+%
+Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
+%
+Am I elected yet?
+%
+Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
+%
+Am I SHOPLIFTING?
+%
+America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
+your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ...
+%
+An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
+%
+An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
+%
+An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
+%
+And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
+%
+ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
+MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
+%
+Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
+%
+Are we live or on tape?
+%
+Are we on STRIKE yet?
+%
+Are we THERE yet?
+%
+Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
+%
+Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
+%
+Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
+%
+Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
+%
+As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
+%
+Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
+%
+BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
+%
+Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
+But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
+%
+BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
+WAY" I've ever heard!!
+%
+Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
+%
+BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
+%
+BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
+%
+... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
+%
+Bo Derek ruined my life!
+%
+Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
+%
+Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
+%
+But they went to MARS around 1953!!
+%
+But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
+%
+Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
+%
+Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
+%
+Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
+%
+CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
+%
+Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
+%
+Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
+%
+Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL
+NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn
+LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
+%
+CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
+DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
+%
+Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
+TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
+%
+Could I have a drug overdose?
+%
+Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
+a MALIBU HOT TUB?
+%
+Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
+%
+Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
+%
+Did I SELL OUT yet??
+%
+Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
+%
+Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
+%
+DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
+%
+Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
+%
+Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
+straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the
+dollar!
+%
+Do I have a lifestyle yet?
+%
+Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
+%
+Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
+%
+Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
+%
+Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
+%
+Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
+%
+does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
+%
+DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
+Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
+%
+Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
+%
+Don't SANFORIZE me!!
+%
+Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
+FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
+STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS??
+%
+Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
+%
+Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
+%
+Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
+%
+Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
+%
+Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a
+disaster Movie!!
+%
+Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
+%
+Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
+OFFSET PRINTING?
+%
+FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
+%
+Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
+dining room.
+%
+First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So
+just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
+%
+FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
+%
+for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
+%
+Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
+gothic solarium!!
+%
+FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
+%
+FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
+%
+Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
+satellite dish PAYMENTS!
+%
+Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
+%
+Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
+%
+Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
+%
+GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
+pet LEISURE SUIT!!
+%
+HAIR TONICS, please!!
+%
+Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
+%
+Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for
+today!
+%
+Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??
+%
+Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's
+time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
+%
+... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
+%
+He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
+%
+He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
+like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to
+PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
+MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO!
+%
+HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
+%
+HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
+%
+Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
+%
+Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
+females!!
+%
+Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
+being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
+%
+Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No
+thanks!
+%
+Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
+guess ...
+%
+Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
+bottles ...
+%
+Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
+%
+Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
+anywhere!!
+%
+Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
+%
+Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
+%
+Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
+%
+Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
+drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
+%
+Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
+TROLLEY-CAR ...
+%
+Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
+island, when ...
+%
+Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
+FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
+%
+Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
+CHLORIDE ...
+%
+Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
+%
+HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
+%
+How do I get HOME?
+%
+How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th'
+MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY,
+HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce
+to NANCY SINATRA!
+%
+How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
+SHARPENERS right NOW??
+%
+How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
+%
+How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
+%
+hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
+%
+HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
+%
+HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
+%
+I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
+%
+I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
+%
+I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
+%
+I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
+%
+I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
+%
+I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
+%
+I am NOT a nut....
+%
+I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
+%
+I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
+%
+I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
+%
+I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB
+GUCCIONE has these problems!
+%
+I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
+LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
+%
+I demand IMPUNITY!
+%
+I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
+%
+I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
+just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
+more numbers!!
+%
+... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
+LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
+%
+I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
+my read molars ...
+%
+... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
+%
+I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
+%
+I feel ... JUGULAR ...
+%
+I feel better about world problems now!
+%
+I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
+%
+I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...
+%
+I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
+%
+I feel partially hydrogenated!
+%
+I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the
+"WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE
+in the yard ...
+%
+I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
+%
+I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
+%
+I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
+%
+I had pancake makeup for brunch!
+%
+I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
+%
+I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
+%
+I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
+%
+I have accepted Provolone into my life!
+%
+I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
+%
+... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
+%
+-- I have seen the FUN --
+%
+I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
+%
+I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
+INSTRUCTIONS ...
+%
+I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
+%
+I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
+my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
+%
+I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
+every day from Oral Roberts!!
+%
+I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
+%
+I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to
+live!!
+%
+I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
+%
+I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life
+savings in yeast!!
+%
+I invented skydiving in 1989!
+%
+I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
+%
+I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
+%
+I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he
+is ...
+%
+I just had a NOSE JOB!!
+%
+I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
+%
+I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
+with my LEISURE SUIT!!
+%
+I just remembered something about a TOAD!
+%
+I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
+on the SIDE?
+%
+I Know A Joke
+%
+I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
+%
+I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
+%
+I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
+%
+I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
+%
+I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS
+%
+I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
+%
+-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away
+now. I fed the cat.
+%
+I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
+1965!!
+%
+I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio
+SLEAZEBALLS!!
+%
+I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
+%
+I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
+%
+I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
+legislation..
+%
+I represent a sardine!!
+%
+I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
+%
+... I see TOILET SEATS ...
+%
+I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
+%
+I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
+%
+I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
+%
+I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
+%
+... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
+MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
+%
+I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
+reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
+%
+I think my career is ruined!
+%
+I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
+RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
+%
+... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
+%
+I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
+%
+I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
+%
+I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
+%
+I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
+secure!!
+%
+... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
+SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
+%
+I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
+%
+I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
+and WHEAT THINS ...
+%
+I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
+%
+I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
+%
+... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
+%
+I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
+%
+I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
+%
+I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
+... BACKWARDS!!
+%
+I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
+formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with
+me --
+%
+I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
+%
+I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
+%
+I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
+%
+I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
+%
+I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
+%
+I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
+%
+I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
+STRANGER?
+%
+I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
+%
+I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
+%
+I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
+%
+I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
+%
+I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
+%
+I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
+%
+I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
+%
+I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
+%
+I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN
+SONTAG!!
+%
+I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
+%
+I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
+%
+I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
+%
+I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
+%
+I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
+MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
+%
+I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
+%
+I'm definitely not in Omaha!
+%
+I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
+miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
+%
+I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
+%
+I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
+%
+I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
+%
+I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
+%
+I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
+%
+I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
+%
+I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
+%
+I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
+%
+I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
+%
+I'm having an emotional outburst!!
+%
+I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
+my PAJAMA POCKET??
+%
+I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
+wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
+%
+I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
+%
+... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
+of a KOSHER DELI --
+%
+I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
+%
+I'm into SOFTWARE!
+%
+I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
+PERSONAL SPACE!!
+%
+I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD
+STERLING when you really need him?
+%
+I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
+%
+I'm not available for comment..
+%
+I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
+%
+I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
+MONTALBAN!
+%
+I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
+and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
+%
+I'm rated PG-34!!
+%
+I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
+%
+I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with
+MISSILES!!
+%
+I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin
+Hustle now!
+%
+I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
+%
+I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
+... I'm VIBRATORY ...
+%
+I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
+IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
+%
+I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of
+CHICKEN ...
+%
+I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
+WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
+%
+I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
+%
+I'm wet! I'm wild!
+%
+I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR
+REGIONS!
+%
+I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
+%
+I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
+%
+I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
+SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
+%
+I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
+%
+... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
+antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
+PIZZA ...
+%
+If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
+MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
+GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
+%
+If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
+houseboy ...
+%
+If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
+%
+If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
+replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
+%
+If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
+%
+If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
+%
+... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
+man!!
+%
+If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
+%
+if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
+%
+If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
+%
+If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
+Bonzo??
+%
+In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
+Belt," for $10.99!!
+%
+In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
+%
+INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
+%
+Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
+%
+Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in
+Safeway?
+%
+Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG
+his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the
+ESCALATOR ...
+%
+Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
+wild afternoon??
+%
+Is it clean in other dimensions?
+%
+Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
+plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
+%
+Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
+%
+Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
+%
+Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
+%
+Is this TERMINAL fun?
+%
+Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
+makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
+%
+Isn't this my STOP?!
+%
+It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
+%
+It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID
+LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
+%
+It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
+%
+It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
+%
+It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
+in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
+FRENCH TOAST!
+%
+It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
+%
+It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
+%
+JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
+of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
+%
+Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
+%
+Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
+%
+Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
+carried too FAR!
+%
+Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
+PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
+%
+Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
+is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
+%
+LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
+%
+Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a
+SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your
+ASHTRAYS ...
+%
+Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
+%
+Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
+%
+Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
+%
+Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
+%
+Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
+%
+Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
+%
+Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
+HIGHBALL?? ...
+%
+Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
+card!
+%
+Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
+%
+LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
+Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
+%
+Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
+%
+Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
+cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
+%
+Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
+%
+MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
+%
+MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
+%
+Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
+shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a
+TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
+SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
+BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
+animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT,
+I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
+WHEAT BUN!!
+%
+Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
+the INDONESIAN archipelago?
+%
+My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
+%
+My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
+FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
+%
+My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New
+York!!
+%
+My EARS are GONE!!
+%
+My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's
+care!!!!
+%
+My haircut is totally traditional!
+%
+MY income is ALL disposable!
+%
+My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
+%
+My life is a patio of fun!
+%
+My mind is a potato field ...
+%
+My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
+%
+My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
+%
+my NOSE is NUMB!
+%
+... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!
+%
+My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
+%
+My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
+%
+My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
+%
+My vaseline is RUNNING...
+%
+NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
+%
+NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They
+COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
+did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
+they were OFF-KEY ...
+%
+NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
+%
+Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
+%
+Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ...
+in PAIN!!!
+%
+Now I am depressed ...
+%
+Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
+BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
+%
+Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
+%
+Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
+BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
+%
+Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
+War II!
+%
+Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
+HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
+by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
+%
+Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
+%
+Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
+and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
+%
+Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
+%
+... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
+%
+Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
+%
+Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
+%
+Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
+%
+Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
+%
+Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
+DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
+%
+OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
+R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
+%
+OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
+and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
+it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
+the WASHING MACHINES?
+%
+On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
+PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
+%
+On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
+QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
+%
+On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
+POINT.
+%
+Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
+DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
+VALUES!!
+%
+Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
+statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
+completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
+amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
+finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
+snack cakes!
+%
+One FISHWICH coming up!!
+%
+ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
+ the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
+TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
+THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
+%
+... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
+Tuesday?
+%
+Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
+table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
+leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
+%
+over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
+%
+OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND
+REPAIR!!
+%
+PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
+%
+Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your
+BOOTH!
+%
+PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
+%
+PIZZA!!
+%
+Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
+Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
+%
+Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
+%
+Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
+%
+PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
+%
+Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
+%
+RELATIVES!!
+%
+Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by
+prescription!!
+%
+RHAPSODY in Glue!
+%
+SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
+... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
+starring JANE FONDA!!
+%
+Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
+94140, USA
+%
+SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
+empty OIL DRUMS ...
+%
+Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
+%
+Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a
+VASECTOMY??
+%
+Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
+hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
+%
+Sign my PETITION.
+%
+So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
+%
+So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
+INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
+SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
+%
+someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
+%
+Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
+%
+Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB
+CHOP!!
+%
+Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
+batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
+%
+Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
+to Beaver"!
+%
+Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
+%
+TAILFINS!! ... click ...
+%
+ Talking Pinhead Blues:
+Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
+ TWENTY-SIX!!
+
+Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
+ DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
+
+My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
+ won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
+
+So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
+ (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
+%
+TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
+Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
+%
+Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to
+Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
+%
+Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
+%
+Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
+%
+The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
+the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
+%
+The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
+and have since BIRTH!!
+%
+The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
+SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
+%
+The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
+%
+... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
+OYSTER! Yum!
+%
+The Korean War must have been fun.
+%
+... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
+%
+The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at
+dawn!!!
+%
+The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
+%
+The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS
+around 1953!!
+%
+The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
+%
+There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
+in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
+%
+There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
+%
+These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
+%
+They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
+appeal!
+%
+This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
+%
+This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
+%
+This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
+against someone's MARTINI!!
+%
+... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
+%
+This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
+%
+This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
+%
+This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is
+talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
+%
+Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
+SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
+%
+Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
+aesthetic modules --
+%
+Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
+before his MAKEOVER!
+%
+Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
+Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
+%
+TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
+%
+Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
+frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
+%
+Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
+%
+UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
+mistake!!!
+%
+UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
+NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
+%
+Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
+%
+UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
+%
+Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
+%
+VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
+%
+Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
+TAX-DEFERRED!
+%
+Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat
+Junction??
+%
+Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
+%
+We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot
+tub ...
+%
+We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
+%
+We just joined the civil hair patrol!
+%
+We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
+45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
+%
+Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I
+HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ...
+EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
+%
+Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
+VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
+%
+Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
+ROOM ...
+%
+Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL
+DESPAIR!
+%
+Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
+%
+What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
+%
+What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
+%
+What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
+%
+What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
+%
+What PROGRAM are they watching?
+%
+What UNIVERSE is this, please??
+%
+What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
+%
+When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
+DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ...
+%
+When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
+%
+When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
+%
+When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
+BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
+and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
+%
+Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
+%
+Where does it go when you flush?
+%
+Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
+%
+Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
+%
+Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
+%
+While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
+priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
+%
+While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his
+will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
+%
+WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
+%
+WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the
+NEGATIVE IONS!!
+%
+Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
+%
+Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your
+own ZIPCODE?
+%
+Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
+%
+Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
+CENTER with you??
+%
+Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
+%
+Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
+%
+Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
+%
+With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
+%
+World War III? No thanks!
+%
+World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
+dress code!
+%
+Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
+%
+Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
+%
+Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
+MAIDEN concert?
+%
+You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
+%
+You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
+distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
+%
+You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
+%
+YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
+%
+You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW
+CAREER!!
+%
+You were s'posed to laugh!
+%
+YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
+DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
+%
+Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
+%
+Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
+attitudes!
+%
+Yow!
+%
+Yow! Am I having fun yet?
+%
+Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
+%
+Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
+%
+Yow! Are we laid back yet?
+%
+Yow! Are we wet yet?
+%
+Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
+%
+Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
+%
+Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
+%
+Yow! I threw up on my window!
+%
+Yow! I want my nose in lights!
+%
+Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
+%
+Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel
+mill!
+%
+Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
+%
+Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
+%
+Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
+%
+Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
+%
+Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
+%
+Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
+%
+Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
+BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
+%
+Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
+%
+Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
+%
+Yow! We're going to a new disco!
+%
+YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
+%
+YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
+%
+YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
+laws!!
+%
+YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
+%
+YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
+%
+YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of
+CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
+%
+YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
+%
+Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok b/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..67c616bc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/datfiles/zippy.sp.ok
@@ -0,0 +1,210 @@
+ANAL
+ASEXUAL
+Astro
+B.C
+BANKHEAD
+BI
+BIO
+BORSCHT
+BRAINPAN
+BURRITO
+BURRITOS
+Barbie
+Bo
+Bonzo
+CARCRASH
+CASIO
+CHAINSAWS
+CHIVAS
+COM
+CORDOVANS
+COSELL
+CROATIAN
+Carlsbad
+Clift
+Cosell
+Cupcake
+DAQUIRI
+DELI
+DIDI
+DISCO
+DISNEYWORLD
+DONUT
+DOUGHBOY
+Darvon
+Di
+Disco
+Donnie
+EDSELS
+EMOTE
+EUBIE
+Enema
+FALAFEL
+FISHNET
+FISHWICH
+FLEMMING
+FLOATATION
+FROLICSOME
+Feinstein
+GOLDIE
+GORRY
+GUCCIONE
+GUIDELIGHT
+Gibble
+Ginzberg
+HAIRPIECE
+HAWN
+HAYWORTH
+HITCHHIKING
+HOAX
+HOUSECAT
+Hmmm
+I.Q
+INTESTINAL
+Iranian
+JELL
+JELLO
+JILLIAN'S
+JULIENNED
+Jodie
+KATRINKA
+KNOCKWURST
+LBJ
+LING
+LONI
+LUGOSI
+Loni
+Lycra
+MALIBU
+MCMAHON
+MELBA
+MERYL
+MMM
+MOGULS
+MONTALBAN'S
+MOUSSE
+MSG
+MT
+MTV
+MYSTERIANS
+Macy's
+Meese
+Monkees
+NABOBS
+NAGEELA
+NEBULATION
+NICKLES
+NUTRA
+Niro
+OLFACTORY
+OMNIVERSAL
+OVULAR
+Osmond
+Osmonds
+PAISLEY
+PASTA
+PG
+Pharoahs
+Provolone
+R.V.'S
+RAPHAELITE
+RICARDO
+RITA
+Rom
+Roni
+SAGAN
+SANFORIZE
+SCHROON
+SCIENTOLOGIST
+SERBO
+SHOPLIFT
+SINATRA
+SKEE
+SODOMIZE
+SONTAG
+STREEP
+Safeway
+Slezak
+Spandex
+T.V
+TACO
+TAILFINS
+TALLULAH
+TINA
+TRANSSEXUAL
+TRYNEL
+Tenafly
+Tex
+Th
+Tylenol
+Uh
+VASELINE
+VELVEETA
+WESSON
+YEH
+YUBBA
+Yum
+ZIPPY
+Zippy
+Zippy's
+barbequeued
+chr
+co
+cranial
+creme
+devalue
+disco
+donut
+donuts
+dusenjet
+einem
+einige
+frolicking
+fuschia
+gladiatoren
+gothic
+graphisticator
+hors
+houseboy
+ich
+im
+jahr
+kidnapped
+lande
+laundromat
+laundromats
+lesbian
+li'l
+manicurist
+matic
+meatball
+meltdown
+naugahide
+obstetrician
+poindexter
+pre
+psilocybin
+quaaludes
+quadrophonic
+rieche
+s'posed
+scientology
+skintight
+skydiving
+solarium
+spielen
+telex
+th
+th'HOLIDAY
+th'MAMBO
+th'RAIN
+th'WRENCH
+th'cute
+thru
+thumbtack
+uh
+um
+urinate
+vaseline
+vor
+zzzzzzzzz
diff --git a/fortune/fortune/Makefile b/fortune/fortune/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..f800abb6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/fortune/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+# %W% (Berkeley) %G%
+
+PROG= fortune
+MAN6= fortune.0
+CFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
+DPADD= ${COMPAT}
+LDADD= -lcompat
+
+.include "${.CURDIR}/../../Makefile.inc"
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/fortune/fortune.6 b/fortune/fortune/fortune.6
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..c2469bc1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/fortune/fortune.6
@@ -0,0 +1,173 @@
+.\" Copyright (c) 1985 The Regents of the University of California.
+.\" All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+.\" Ken Arnold.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+.\" must display the following acknowledgement:
+.\" This product includes software developed by the University of
+.\" California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+.\" 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)fortune.6 6.8 (Berkeley) 6/23/90
+.\"
+.TH FORTUNE 6 "June 23, 1990"
+.UC 4
+.SH NAME
+fortune \- print a random, hopefully interesting, adage
+.SH SYNOPSIS
+.B fortune
+[
+.B \-aefilosw
+]
+[
+.B \-m
+.I pattern
+]
+[ [
+.IR N%
+]
+.I file/dir/all
+]
+.SH DESCRIPTION
+When
+.I fortune
+is run with no arguments it prints out a random epigram.
+Epigrams are divided into several categories, where each category
+is subdivided into those which are potentially offensive and those
+which are not.
+The options are as follows:
+.TP
+.B \-a
+Choose from all lists of maxims, both offensive and not.
+.TP
+.B \-e
+Consider all fortune files to be of equal size (see discussion below
+on multiple files).
+.TP
+.B \-f
+Print out the list of files which would be searched, but don't
+print a fortune.
+.TP
+.B \-l
+Long dictums only.
+.TP
+.B \-m
+Print out all fortunes which match the regular expression
+.IR pattern .
+See
+.BR regex (3)
+for a description of patterns.
+.TP
+.B \-o
+Choose only from potentially offensive aphorisms.
+.ft B
+Please, please, please request a potentially offensive fortune if and
+only if you believe, deep down in your heart, that you are willing
+to be offended.
+(And that if you are, you'll just quit using -o rather than give us
+grief about it, okay?)
+.ft R
+.PP
+.in +5
+\&... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy
+of The Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words:
+we believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of
+the whole human race, if needs be.
+Needs be.
+.br
+.in +10
+-- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
+.TP
+.B \-s
+Short apothegms only.
+.TP
+.B \-i
+Ignore case for
+.B \-m
+patterns.
+.TP
+.B \-w
+Wait before termination for an amount of time calculated from the
+number of characters in the message.
+This is useful if it is executed as part of the logout procedure
+to guarantee that the message can be read before the screen is cleared.
+.PP
+The user may specify alternate sayings.
+You can specify a specific file, a directory which contains one or
+more files, or the special word
+.B all
+which says to use all the standard databases.
+Any of these may be preceded by a percentage, which is a number
+.I N
+between 0 and 100 inclusive, followed by a
+.B % .
+If it is, there will be a
+.I N
+percent probability that an adage will be picked from that file
+or directory.
+If the percentages do not sum to 100, and there are specifications
+without percentages, the remaining percent will apply to those files
+and/or directories, in which case the probability of selecting from
+one of them will be based on their relative sizes.
+.PP
+As an example, given two databases
+.B funny
+and
+.B not-funny ,
+with
+.B funny
+twice as big, saying
+.RS
+fortune funny not-funny
+.RE
+will get you fortunes out of
+.B funny
+two-thirds of the time.
+The command
+.RS
+fortune 90% funny 10% not-funny
+.RE
+will pick out 90% of its fortunes from
+.B funny
+(the ``10% not-funny'' is unnecessary, since 10% is all that's left).
+The
+.B \-e
+option says to consider all files equal;
+thus
+.RS
+fortune \-e
+.RE
+is equivalent to
+.RS
+fortune 50% funny 50% not-funny
+.RE
+.SH FILES
+/usr/share/games/fortune
+.SH AUTHOR
+Ken Arnold
+.SH "SEE ALSO"
+regex(3), regcmp(3), strfile(8)
diff --git a/fortune/fortune/fortune.c b/fortune/fortune/fortune.c
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..c044139d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/fortune/fortune.c
@@ -0,0 +1,1340 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1986 The Regents of the University of California.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ * must display the following acknowledgement:
+ * This product includes software developed by the University of
+ * California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1986 The Regents of the University of California.\n\
+ All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)fortune.c 5.13 (Berkeley) 4/8/91";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+# include <machine/endian.h>
+# include <sys/param.h>
+# include <sys/stat.h>
+# include <sys/dir.h>
+# include <stdio.h>
+# include <assert.h>
+# include "strfile.h"
+# include "pathnames.h"
+
+#ifdef SYSV
+# include <dirent.h>
+
+# define NO_LOCK
+# define REGCMP
+# ifdef NO_REGEX
+# undef NO_REGEX
+# endif /* NO_REGEX */
+# define index strchr
+# define rindex strrchr
+#endif /* SYSV */
+
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+# include <ctype.h>
+#endif /* NO_REGEX */
+
+# ifndef NO_LOCK
+# include <sys/file.h>
+# endif /* NO_LOCK */
+
+# ifndef F_OK
+/* codes for access() */
+# define F_OK 0 /* does file exist */
+# define X_OK 1 /* is it executable by caller */
+# define W_OK 2 /* writable by caller */
+# define R_OK 4 /* readable by caller */
+# endif /* F_OK */
+
+# define TRUE 1
+# define FALSE 0
+# define bool short
+
+# define MINW 6 /* minimum wait if desired */
+# define CPERS 20 /* # of chars for each sec */
+# define SLEN 160 /* # of chars in short fortune */
+
+# define POS_UNKNOWN ((unsigned long) -1) /* pos for file unknown */
+# define NO_PROB (-1) /* no prob specified for file */
+
+# ifdef DEBUG
+# define DPRINTF(l,x) if (Debug >= l) fprintf x; else
+# undef NDEBUG
+# else /* DEBUG */
+# define DPRINTF(l,x)
+# define NDEBUG 1
+# endif /* DEBUG */
+
+typedef struct fd {
+ int percent;
+ int fd, datfd;
+ unsigned long pos;
+ FILE *inf;
+ char *name;
+ char *path;
+ char *datfile, *posfile;
+ bool read_tbl;
+ bool was_pos_file;
+ STRFILE tbl;
+ int num_children;
+ struct fd *child, *parent;
+ struct fd *next, *prev;
+} FILEDESC;
+
+bool Found_one; /* did we find a match? */
+bool Find_files = FALSE; /* just find a list of proper fortune files */
+bool Wait = FALSE; /* wait desired after fortune */
+bool Short_only = FALSE; /* short fortune desired */
+bool Long_only = FALSE; /* long fortune desired */
+bool Offend = FALSE; /* offensive fortunes only */
+bool All_forts = FALSE; /* any fortune allowed */
+bool Equal_probs = FALSE; /* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+bool Match = FALSE; /* dump fortunes matching a pattern */
+#endif
+#ifdef DEBUG
+bool Debug = FALSE; /* print debug messages */
+#endif
+
+char *Fortbuf = NULL; /* fortune buffer for -m */
+
+int Fort_len = 0;
+
+off_t Seekpts[2]; /* seek pointers to fortunes */
+
+FILEDESC *File_list = NULL, /* Head of file list */
+ *File_tail = NULL; /* Tail of file list */
+FILEDESC *Fortfile; /* Fortune file to use */
+
+STRFILE Noprob_tbl; /* sum of data for all no prob files */
+
+char *do_malloc(), *copy(), *off_name();
+
+FILEDESC *pick_child(), *new_fp();
+
+extern char *malloc(), *index(), *rindex(), *strcpy(), *strcat();
+
+extern time_t time();
+
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+char *conv_pat();
+#endif
+
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+#ifdef REGCMP
+# define RE_COMP(p) (Re_pat = regcmp(p, NULL))
+# define BAD_COMP(f) ((f) == NULL)
+# define RE_EXEC(p) regex(Re_pat, (p))
+
+char *Re_pat;
+
+char *regcmp(), *regex();
+#else
+# define RE_COMP(p) (p = re_comp(p))
+# define BAD_COMP(f) ((f) != NULL)
+# define RE_EXEC(p) re_exec(p)
+
+char *re_comp();
+#ifdef SYSV
+char *re_exec();
+#else
+int re_exec();
+#endif
+#endif
+#endif
+
+main(ac, av)
+int ac;
+char *av[];
+{
+#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+ int fd;
+#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+
+ getargs(ac, av);
+
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+ if (Match)
+ exit(find_matches() != 0);
+#endif
+
+ init_prob();
+ srandom((int)(time((time_t *) NULL) + getpid()));
+ do {
+ get_fort();
+ } while ((Short_only && fortlen() > SLEN) ||
+ (Long_only && fortlen() <= SLEN));
+
+ display(Fortfile);
+
+#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+ if ((fd = creat(Fortfile->posfile, 0666)) < 0) {
+ perror(Fortfile->posfile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+#ifdef LOCK_EX
+ /*
+ * if we can, we exclusive lock, but since it isn't very
+ * important, we just punt if we don't have easy locking
+ * available.
+ */
+ (void) flock(fd, LOCK_EX);
+#endif /* LOCK_EX */
+ write(fd, (char *) &Fortfile->pos, sizeof Fortfile->pos);
+ if (!Fortfile->was_pos_file)
+ (void) chmod(Fortfile->path, 0666);
+#ifdef LOCK_EX
+ (void) flock(fd, LOCK_UN);
+#endif /* LOCK_EX */
+#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+ if (Wait) {
+ if (Fort_len == 0)
+ (void) fortlen();
+ sleep((unsigned int) max(Fort_len / CPERS, MINW));
+ }
+ exit(0);
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+}
+
+display(fp)
+FILEDESC *fp;
+{
+ register char *p, ch;
+ char line[BUFSIZ];
+
+ open_fp(fp);
+ (void) fseek(fp->inf, Seekpts[0], 0);
+ for (Fort_len = 0; fgets(line, sizeof line, fp->inf) != NULL &&
+ !STR_ENDSTRING(line, fp->tbl); Fort_len++) {
+ if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED)
+ for (p = line; ch = *p; ++p)
+ if (isupper(ch))
+ *p = 'A' + (ch - 'A' + 13) % 26;
+ else if (islower(ch))
+ *p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26;
+ fputs(line, stdout);
+ }
+ (void) fflush(stdout);
+}
+
+/*
+ * fortlen:
+ * Return the length of the fortune.
+ */
+fortlen()
+{
+ register int nchar;
+ char line[BUFSIZ];
+
+ if (!(Fortfile->tbl.str_flags & (STR_RANDOM | STR_ORDERED)))
+ nchar = (Seekpts[1] - Seekpts[0] <= SLEN);
+ else {
+ open_fp(Fortfile);
+ (void) fseek(Fortfile->inf, Seekpts[0], 0);
+ nchar = 0;
+ while (fgets(line, sizeof line, Fortfile->inf) != NULL &&
+ !STR_ENDSTRING(line, Fortfile->tbl))
+ nchar += strlen(line);
+ }
+ Fort_len = nchar;
+ return nchar;
+}
+
+/*
+ * This routine evaluates the arguments on the command line
+ */
+getargs(argc, argv)
+register int argc;
+register char **argv;
+{
+ register int ignore_case;
+# ifndef NO_REGEX
+ register char *pat;
+# endif /* NO_REGEX */
+ extern char *optarg;
+ extern int optind;
+ int ch;
+
+ ignore_case = FALSE;
+ pat = NULL;
+
+# ifdef DEBUG
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aDefilm:osw")) != EOF)
+#else
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aefilm:osw")) != EOF)
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+ switch(ch) {
+ case 'a': /* any fortune */
+ All_forts++;
+ break;
+# ifdef DEBUG
+ case 'D':
+ Debug++;
+ break;
+# endif /* DEBUG */
+ case 'e':
+ Equal_probs++; /* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
+ break;
+ case 'f': /* find fortune files */
+ Find_files++;
+ break;
+ case 'l': /* long ones only */
+ Long_only++;
+ Short_only = FALSE;
+ break;
+ case 'o': /* offensive ones only */
+ Offend++;
+ break;
+ case 's': /* short ones only */
+ Short_only++;
+ Long_only = FALSE;
+ break;
+ case 'w': /* give time to read */
+ Wait++;
+ break;
+# ifdef NO_REGEX
+ case 'i': /* case-insensitive match */
+ case 'm': /* dump out the fortunes */
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: can't match fortunes on this system (Sorry)\n");
+ exit(0);
+# else /* NO_REGEX */
+ case 'm': /* dump out the fortunes */
+ Match++;
+ pat = optarg;
+ break;
+ case 'i': /* case-insensitive match */
+ ignore_case++;
+ break;
+# endif /* NO_REGEX */
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ usage();
+ }
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ if (!form_file_list(argv, argc))
+ exit(1); /* errors printed through form_file_list() */
+#ifdef DEBUG
+ if (Debug >= 1)
+ print_file_list();
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+ if (Find_files) {
+ print_file_list();
+ exit(0);
+ }
+
+# ifndef NO_REGEX
+ if (pat != NULL) {
+ if (ignore_case)
+ pat = conv_pat(pat);
+ if (BAD_COMP(RE_COMP(pat))) {
+#ifndef REGCMP
+ fprintf(stderr, "%s\n", pat);
+#else /* REGCMP */
+ fprintf(stderr, "bad pattern: %s\n", pat);
+#endif /* REGCMP */
+ }
+ }
+# endif /* NO_REGEX */
+}
+
+/*
+ * form_file_list:
+ * Form the file list from the file specifications.
+ */
+form_file_list(files, file_cnt)
+register char **files;
+register int file_cnt;
+{
+ register int i, percent;
+ register char *sp;
+
+ if (file_cnt == 0)
+ if (Find_files)
+ return add_file(NO_PROB, FORTDIR, NULL, &File_list,
+ &File_tail, NULL);
+ else
+ return add_file(NO_PROB, "fortunes", FORTDIR,
+ &File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
+ for (i = 0; i < file_cnt; i++) {
+ percent = NO_PROB;
+ if (!isdigit(files[i][0]))
+ sp = files[i];
+ else {
+ percent = 0;
+ for (sp = files[i]; isdigit(*sp); sp++)
+ percent = percent * 10 + *sp - '0';
+ if (percent > 100) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be <= 100\n");
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ if (*sp == '.') {
+ fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be integers\n");
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ /*
+ * If the number isn't followed by a '%', then
+ * it was not a percentage, just the first part
+ * of a file name which starts with digits.
+ */
+ if (*sp != '%') {
+ percent = NO_PROB;
+ sp = files[i];
+ }
+ else if (*++sp == '\0') {
+ if (++i >= file_cnt) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "percentages must precede files\n");
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ sp = files[i];
+ }
+ }
+ if (strcmp(sp, "all") == 0)
+ sp = FORTDIR;
+ if (!add_file(percent, sp, NULL, &File_list, &File_tail, NULL))
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ return TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_file:
+ * Add a file to the file list.
+ */
+add_file(percent, file, dir, head, tail, parent)
+int percent;
+register char *file;
+char *dir;
+FILEDESC **head, **tail;
+FILEDESC *parent;
+{
+ register FILEDESC *fp;
+ register int fd;
+ register char *path, *offensive;
+ register bool was_malloc;
+ register bool isdir;
+
+ if (dir == NULL) {
+ path = file;
+ was_malloc = FALSE;
+ }
+ else {
+ path = do_malloc((unsigned int) (strlen(dir) + strlen(file) + 2));
+ (void) strcat(strcat(strcpy(path, dir), "/"), file);
+ was_malloc = TRUE;
+ }
+ if ((isdir = is_dir(path)) && parent != NULL) {
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(path);
+ return FALSE; /* don't recurse */
+ }
+ offensive = NULL;
+ if (!isdir && parent == NULL && (All_forts || Offend) &&
+ !is_off_name(path)) {
+ offensive = off_name(path);
+ was_malloc = TRUE;
+ if (Offend) {
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(path);
+ path = offensive;
+ file = off_name(file);
+ }
+ }
+
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding file \"%s\"\n", path));
+over:
+ if ((fd = open(path, 0)) < 0) {
+ /*
+ * This is a sneak. If the user said -a, and if the
+ * file we're given isn't a file, we check to see if
+ * there is a -o version. If there is, we treat it as
+ * if *that* were the file given. We only do this for
+ * individual files -- if we're scanning a directory,
+ * we'll pick up the -o file anyway.
+ */
+ if (All_forts && offensive != NULL) {
+ path = offensive;
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(path);
+ offensive = NULL;
+ was_malloc = TRUE;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\ttrying \"%s\"\n", path));
+ file = off_name(file);
+ goto over;
+ }
+ if (dir == NULL && file[0] != '/')
+ return add_file(percent, file, FORTDIR, head, tail,
+ parent);
+ if (parent == NULL)
+ perror(path);
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(path);
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "path = \"%s\"\n", path));
+
+ fp = new_fp();
+ fp->fd = fd;
+ fp->percent = percent;
+ fp->name = file;
+ fp->path = path;
+ fp->parent = parent;
+
+ if ((isdir && !add_dir(fp)) ||
+ (!isdir &&
+ !is_fortfile(path, &fp->datfile, &fp->posfile, (parent != NULL))))
+ {
+ if (parent == NULL)
+ fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune:%s not a fortune file or directory\n",
+ path);
+ free((char *) fp);
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(path);
+ do_free(fp->datfile);
+ do_free(fp->posfile);
+ do_free(offensive);
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ /*
+ * If the user said -a, we need to make this node a pointer to
+ * both files, if there are two. We don't need to do this if
+ * we are scanning a directory, since the scan will pick up the
+ * -o file anyway.
+ */
+ if (All_forts && parent == NULL && !is_off_name(path))
+ all_forts(fp, offensive);
+ if (*head == NULL)
+ *head = *tail = fp;
+ else if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
+ (*tail)->next = fp;
+ fp->prev = *tail;
+ *tail = fp;
+ }
+ else {
+ (*head)->prev = fp;
+ fp->next = *head;
+ *head = fp;
+ }
+#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+ fp->was_pos_file = (access(fp->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
+#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+
+ return TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * new_fp:
+ * Return a pointer to an initialized new FILEDESC.
+ */
+FILEDESC *
+new_fp()
+{
+ register FILEDESC *fp;
+
+ fp = (FILEDESC *) do_malloc(sizeof *fp);
+ fp->datfd = -1;
+ fp->pos = POS_UNKNOWN;
+ fp->inf = NULL;
+ fp->fd = -1;
+ fp->percent = NO_PROB;
+ fp->read_tbl = FALSE;
+ fp->next = NULL;
+ fp->prev = NULL;
+ fp->child = NULL;
+ fp->parent = NULL;
+ fp->datfile = NULL;
+ fp->posfile = NULL;
+ return fp;
+}
+
+/*
+ * off_name:
+ * Return a pointer to the offensive version of a file of this name.
+ */
+char *
+off_name(file)
+char *file;
+{
+ char *new;
+
+ new = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 2));
+ return strcat(new, "-o");
+}
+
+/*
+ * is_off_name:
+ * Is the file an offensive-style name?
+ */
+is_off_name(file)
+char *file;
+{
+ int len;
+
+ len = strlen(file);
+ return (len >= 3 && file[len - 2] == '-' && file[len - 1] == 'o');
+}
+
+/*
+ * all_forts:
+ * Modify a FILEDESC element to be the parent of two children if
+ * there are two children to be a parent of.
+ */
+all_forts(fp, offensive)
+register FILEDESC *fp;
+char *offensive;
+{
+ register char *sp;
+ register FILEDESC *scene, *obscene;
+ register int fd;
+ auto char *datfile, *posfile;
+
+ if (fp->child != NULL) /* this is a directory, not a file */
+ return;
+ if (!is_fortfile(offensive, &datfile, &posfile, FALSE))
+ return;
+ if ((fd = open(offensive, 0)) < 0)
+ return;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding \"%s\" because of -a\n", offensive));
+ scene = new_fp();
+ obscene = new_fp();
+ *scene = *fp;
+
+ fp->num_children = 2;
+ fp->child = scene;
+ scene->next = obscene;
+ obscene->next = NULL;
+ scene->child = obscene->child = NULL;
+ scene->parent = obscene->parent = fp;
+
+ fp->fd = -1;
+ scene->percent = obscene->percent = NO_PROB;
+
+ obscene->fd = fd;
+ obscene->inf = NULL;
+ obscene->path = offensive;
+ if ((sp = rindex(offensive, '/')) == NULL)
+ obscene->name = offensive;
+ else
+ obscene->name = ++sp;
+ obscene->datfile = datfile;
+ obscene->posfile = posfile;
+ obscene->read_tbl = FALSE;
+#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+ obscene->was_pos_file = (access(obscene->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
+#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_dir:
+ * Add the contents of an entire directory.
+ */
+add_dir(fp)
+register FILEDESC *fp;
+{
+ register DIR *dir;
+#ifdef SYSV
+ register struct dirent *dirent; /* NIH, of course! */
+#else
+ register struct direct *dirent;
+#endif
+ auto FILEDESC *tailp;
+ auto char *name;
+
+ (void) close(fp->fd);
+ fp->fd = -1;
+ if ((dir = opendir(fp->path)) == NULL) {
+ perror(fp->path);
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ tailp = NULL;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding dir \"%s\"\n", fp->path));
+ fp->num_children = 0;
+ while ((dirent = readdir(dir)) != NULL) {
+ if (dirent->d_namlen == 0)
+ continue;
+ name = copy(dirent->d_name, dirent->d_namlen);
+ if (add_file(NO_PROB, name, fp->path, &fp->child, &tailp, fp))
+ fp->num_children++;
+ else
+ free(name);
+ }
+ if (fp->num_children == 0) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: %s: No fortune files in directory.\n", fp->path);
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ return TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * is_dir:
+ * Return TRUE if the file is a directory, FALSE otherwise.
+ */
+is_dir(file)
+char *file;
+{
+ auto struct stat sbuf;
+
+ if (stat(file, &sbuf) < 0)
+ return FALSE;
+ return (sbuf.st_mode & S_IFDIR);
+}
+
+/*
+ * is_fortfile:
+ * Return TRUE if the file is a fortune database file. We try and
+ * exclude files without reading them if possible to avoid
+ * overhead. Files which start with ".", or which have "illegal"
+ * suffixes, as contained in suflist[], are ruled out.
+ */
+/* ARGSUSED */
+is_fortfile(file, datp, posp, check_for_offend)
+char *file;
+char **datp, **posp;
+int check_for_offend;
+{
+ register int i;
+ register char *sp;
+ register char *datfile;
+ static char *suflist[] = { /* list of "illegal" suffixes" */
+ "dat", "pos", "c", "h", "p", "i", "f",
+ "pas", "ftn", "ins.c", "ins,pas",
+ "ins.ftn", "sml",
+ NULL
+ };
+
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "is_fortfile(%s) returns ", file));
+
+ /*
+ * Preclude any -o files for offendable people, and any non -o
+ * files for completely offensive people.
+ */
+ if (check_for_offend && !All_forts) {
+ i = strlen(file);
+ if (Offend ^ (file[i - 2] == '-' && file[i - 1] == 'o'))
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+
+ if ((sp = rindex(file, '/')) == NULL)
+ sp = file;
+ else
+ sp++;
+ if (*sp == '.') {
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file starts with '.')\n"));
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ if ((sp = rindex(sp, '.')) != NULL) {
+ sp++;
+ for (i = 0; suflist[i] != NULL; i++)
+ if (strcmp(sp, suflist[i]) == 0) {
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file has suffix \".%s\")\n", sp));
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ }
+
+ datfile = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */
+ strcat(datfile, ".dat");
+ if (access(datfile, R_OK) < 0) {
+ free(datfile);
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (no \".dat\" file)\n"));
+ return FALSE;
+ }
+ if (datp != NULL)
+ *datp = datfile;
+ else
+ free(datfile);
+#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+ if (posp != NULL) {
+ *posp = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */
+ (void) strcat(*posp, ".pos");
+ }
+#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "TRUE\n"));
+ return TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * copy:
+ * Return a malloc()'ed copy of the string
+ */
+char *
+copy(str, len)
+char *str;
+unsigned int len;
+{
+ char *new, *sp;
+
+ new = do_malloc(len + 1);
+ sp = new;
+ do {
+ *sp++ = *str;
+ } while (*str++);
+ return new;
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_malloc:
+ * Do a malloc, checking for NULL return.
+ */
+char *
+do_malloc(size)
+unsigned int size;
+{
+ char *new;
+
+ if ((new = malloc(size)) == NULL) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune: out of memory.\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ return new;
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_free:
+ * Free malloc'ed space, if any.
+ */
+do_free(ptr)
+char *ptr;
+{
+ if (ptr != NULL)
+ free(ptr);
+}
+
+/*
+ * init_prob:
+ * Initialize the fortune probabilities.
+ */
+init_prob()
+{
+ register FILEDESC *fp, *last;
+ register int percent, num_noprob, frac;
+
+ /*
+ * Distribute the residual probability (if any) across all
+ * files with unspecified probability (i.e., probability of 0)
+ * (if any).
+ */
+
+ percent = 0;
+ num_noprob = 0;
+ for (fp = File_tail; fp != NULL; fp = fp->prev)
+ if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
+ num_noprob++;
+ if (Equal_probs)
+ last = fp;
+ }
+ else
+ percent += fp->percent;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "summing probabilities:%d%% with %d NO_PROB's",
+ percent, num_noprob));
+ if (percent > 100) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: probabilities sum to %d%%!\n", percent);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ else if (percent < 100 && num_noprob == 0) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: no place to put residual probability (%d%%)\n",
+ percent);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ else if (percent == 100 && num_noprob != 0) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: no probability left to put in residual files\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ percent = 100 - percent;
+ if (Equal_probs)
+ if (num_noprob != 0) {
+ if (num_noprob > 1) {
+ frac = percent / num_noprob;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", frac = %d%%", frac));
+ for (fp = File_list; fp != last; fp = fp->next)
+ if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
+ fp->percent = frac;
+ percent -= frac;
+ }
+ }
+ last->percent = percent;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", residual = %d%%", percent));
+ }
+ else {
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+ ", %d%% distributed over remaining fortunes\n",
+ percent));
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\n"));
+
+#ifdef DEBUG
+ if (Debug >= 1)
+ print_file_list();
+#endif
+}
+
+/*
+ * get_fort:
+ * Get the fortune data file's seek pointer for the next fortune.
+ */
+get_fort()
+{
+ register FILEDESC *fp;
+ register int choice;
+ long random();
+
+ if (File_list->next == NULL || File_list->percent == NO_PROB)
+ fp = File_list;
+ else {
+ choice = random() % 100;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d\n", choice));
+ for (fp = File_list; fp->percent != NO_PROB; fp = fp->next)
+ if (choice < fp->percent)
+ break;
+ else {
+ choice -= fp->percent;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+ " skip \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
+ fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+ "using \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
+ fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
+ }
+ if (fp->percent != NO_PROB)
+ get_tbl(fp);
+ else {
+ if (fp->next != NULL) {
+ sum_noprobs(fp);
+ choice = random() % Noprob_tbl.str_numstr;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d (of %d) \n", choice,
+ Noprob_tbl.str_numstr));
+ while (choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr) {
+ choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ fp = fp->next;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+ " skip \"%s\", %d (choice = %d)\n",
+ fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr,
+ choice));
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "using \"%s\", %d\n", fp->name,
+ fp->tbl.str_numstr));
+ }
+ get_tbl(fp);
+ }
+ if (fp->child != NULL) {
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "picking child\n"));
+ fp = pick_child(fp);
+ }
+ Fortfile = fp;
+ get_pos(fp);
+ open_dat(fp);
+ (void) lseek(fp->datfd,
+ (off_t) (sizeof fp->tbl + fp->pos * sizeof Seekpts[0]), 0);
+ read(fp->datfd, Seekpts, sizeof Seekpts);
+ Seekpts[0] = ntohl(Seekpts[0]);
+ Seekpts[1] = ntohl(Seekpts[1]);
+}
+
+/*
+ * pick_child
+ * Pick a child from a chosen parent.
+ */
+FILEDESC *
+pick_child(parent)
+FILEDESC *parent;
+{
+ register FILEDESC *fp;
+ register int choice;
+
+ if (Equal_probs) {
+ choice = random() % parent->num_children;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " choice = %d (of %d)\n",
+ choice, parent->num_children));
+ for (fp = parent->child; choice--; fp = fp->next)
+ continue;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " using %s\n", fp->name));
+ return fp;
+ }
+ else {
+ get_tbl(parent);
+ choice = random() % parent->tbl.str_numstr;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " choice = %d (of %d)\n",
+ choice, parent->tbl.str_numstr));
+ for (fp = parent->child; choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ fp = fp->next) {
+ choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\tskip %s, %d (choice = %d)\n",
+ fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr, choice));
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " using %s, %d\n", fp->name,
+ fp->tbl.str_numstr));
+ return fp;
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * sum_noprobs:
+ * Sum up all the noprob probabilities, starting with fp.
+ */
+sum_noprobs(fp)
+register FILEDESC *fp;
+{
+ static bool did_noprobs = FALSE;
+
+ if (did_noprobs)
+ return;
+ zero_tbl(&Noprob_tbl);
+ while (fp != NULL) {
+ get_tbl(fp);
+ sum_tbl(&Noprob_tbl, &fp->tbl);
+ fp = fp->next;
+ }
+ did_noprobs = TRUE;
+}
+
+max(i, j)
+register int i, j;
+{
+ return (i >= j ? i : j);
+}
+
+/*
+ * open_fp:
+ * Assocatiate a FILE * with the given FILEDESC.
+ */
+open_fp(fp)
+FILEDESC *fp;
+{
+ if (fp->inf == NULL && (fp->inf = fdopen(fp->fd, "r")) == NULL) {
+ perror(fp->path);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * open_dat:
+ * Open up the dat file if we need to.
+ */
+open_dat(fp)
+FILEDESC *fp;
+{
+ if (fp->datfd < 0 && (fp->datfd = open(fp->datfile, 0)) < 0) {
+ perror(fp->datfile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * get_pos:
+ * Get the position from the pos file, if there is one. If not,
+ * return a random number.
+ */
+get_pos(fp)
+FILEDESC *fp;
+{
+#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+ int fd;
+#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+
+ assert(fp->read_tbl);
+ if (fp->pos == POS_UNKNOWN) {
+#ifdef OK_TO_WRITE_DISK
+ if ((fd = open(fp->posfile, 0)) < 0 ||
+ read(fd, &fp->pos, sizeof fp->pos) != sizeof fp->pos)
+ fp->pos = random() % fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ else if (fp->pos >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
+ fp->pos %= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ if (fd >= 0)
+ (void) close(fd);
+#else
+ fp->pos = random() % fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+#endif /* OK_TO_WRITE_DISK */
+ }
+ if (++(fp->pos) >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
+ fp->pos -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "pos for %s is %d\n", fp->name, fp->pos));
+}
+
+/*
+ * get_tbl:
+ * Get the tbl data file the datfile.
+ */
+get_tbl(fp)
+FILEDESC *fp;
+{
+ auto int fd;
+ register FILEDESC *child;
+
+ if (fp->read_tbl)
+ return;
+ if (fp->child == NULL) {
+ if ((fd = open(fp->datfile, 0)) < 0) {
+ perror(fp->datfile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if (read(fd, (char *) &fp->tbl, sizeof fp->tbl) != sizeof fp->tbl) {
+ (void)fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: %s corrupted\n", fp->path);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ /* fp->tbl.str_version = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_version); */
+ fp->tbl.str_numstr = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
+ fp->tbl.str_longlen = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_longlen);
+ fp->tbl.str_shortlen = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_shortlen);
+ fp->tbl.str_flags = ntohl(fp->tbl.str_flags);
+ (void) close(fd);
+ }
+ else {
+ zero_tbl(&fp->tbl);
+ for (child = fp->child; child != NULL; child = child->next) {
+ get_tbl(child);
+ sum_tbl(&fp->tbl, &child->tbl);
+ }
+ }
+ fp->read_tbl = TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * zero_tbl:
+ * Zero out the fields we care about in a tbl structure.
+ */
+zero_tbl(tp)
+register STRFILE *tp;
+{
+ tp->str_numstr = 0;
+ tp->str_longlen = 0;
+ tp->str_shortlen = -1;
+}
+
+/*
+ * sum_tbl:
+ * Merge the tbl data of t2 into t1.
+ */
+sum_tbl(t1, t2)
+register STRFILE *t1, *t2;
+{
+ t1->str_numstr += t2->str_numstr;
+ if (t1->str_longlen < t2->str_longlen)
+ t1->str_longlen = t2->str_longlen;
+ if (t1->str_shortlen > t2->str_shortlen)
+ t1->str_shortlen = t2->str_shortlen;
+}
+
+#define STR(str) ((str) == NULL ? "NULL" : (str))
+
+/*
+ * print_file_list:
+ * Print out the file list
+ */
+print_file_list()
+{
+ print_list(File_list, 0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * print_list:
+ * Print out the actual list, recursively.
+ */
+print_list(list, lev)
+register FILEDESC *list;
+int lev;
+{
+ while (list != NULL) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "%*s", lev * 4, "");
+ if (list->percent == NO_PROB)
+ fprintf(stderr, "___%%");
+ else
+ fprintf(stderr, "%3d%%", list->percent);
+ fprintf(stderr, " %s", STR(list->name));
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " (%s, %s, %s)\n", STR(list->path),
+ STR(list->datfile), STR(list->posfile)));
+ putc('\n', stderr);
+ if (list->child != NULL)
+ print_list(list->child, lev + 1);
+ list = list->next;
+ }
+}
+
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+/*
+ * conv_pat:
+ * Convert the pattern to an ignore-case equivalent.
+ */
+char *
+conv_pat(orig)
+register char *orig;
+{
+ register char *sp;
+ register unsigned int cnt;
+ register char *new;
+
+ cnt = 1; /* allow for '\0' */
+ for (sp = orig; *sp != '\0'; sp++)
+ if (isalpha(*sp))
+ cnt += 4;
+ else
+ cnt++;
+ if ((new = malloc(cnt)) == NULL) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "pattern too long for ignoring case\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+
+ for (sp = new; *orig != '\0'; orig++) {
+ if (islower(*orig)) {
+ *sp++ = '[';
+ *sp++ = *orig;
+ *sp++ = toupper(*orig);
+ *sp++ = ']';
+ }
+ else if (isupper(*orig)) {
+ *sp++ = '[';
+ *sp++ = *orig;
+ *sp++ = tolower(*orig);
+ *sp++ = ']';
+ }
+ else
+ *sp++ = *orig;
+ }
+ *sp = '\0';
+ return new;
+}
+
+/*
+ * find_matches:
+ * Find all the fortunes which match the pattern we've been given.
+ */
+find_matches()
+{
+ Fort_len = maxlen_in_list(File_list);
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "Maximum length is %d\n", Fort_len));
+ /* extra length, "%\n" is appended */
+ Fortbuf = do_malloc((unsigned int) Fort_len + 10);
+
+ Found_one = FALSE;
+ matches_in_list(File_list);
+ return Found_one;
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+}
+
+/*
+ * maxlen_in_list
+ * Return the maximum fortune len in the file list.
+ */
+maxlen_in_list(list)
+FILEDESC *list;
+{
+ register FILEDESC *fp;
+ register int len, maxlen;
+
+ maxlen = 0;
+ for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
+ if (fp->child != NULL) {
+ if ((len = maxlen_in_list(fp->child)) > maxlen)
+ maxlen = len;
+ }
+ else {
+ get_tbl(fp);
+ if (fp->tbl.str_longlen > maxlen)
+ maxlen = fp->tbl.str_longlen;
+ }
+ }
+ return maxlen;
+}
+
+/*
+ * matches_in_list
+ * Print out the matches from the files in the list.
+ */
+matches_in_list(list)
+FILEDESC *list;
+{
+ register char *sp;
+ register FILEDESC *fp;
+ int in_file;
+
+ for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
+ if (fp->child != NULL) {
+ matches_in_list(fp->child);
+ continue;
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "searching in %s\n", fp->path));
+ open_fp(fp);
+ sp = Fortbuf;
+ in_file = FALSE;
+ while (fgets(sp, Fort_len, fp->inf) != NULL)
+ if (!STR_ENDSTRING(sp, fp->tbl))
+ sp += strlen(sp);
+ else {
+ *sp = '\0';
+ if (RE_EXEC(Fortbuf)) {
+ printf("%c%c", fp->tbl.str_delim,
+ fp->tbl.str_delim);
+ if (!in_file) {
+ printf(" (%s)", fp->name);
+ Found_one = TRUE;
+ in_file = TRUE;
+ }
+ putchar('\n');
+ (void) fwrite(Fortbuf, 1, (sp - Fortbuf), stdout);
+ }
+ sp = Fortbuf;
+ }
+ }
+}
+# endif /* NO_REGEX */
+
+usage()
+{
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune [-a");
+#ifdef DEBUG
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "D");
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "f");
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "i");
+#endif /* NO_REGEX */
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "losw]");
+#ifndef NO_REGEX
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, " [-m pattern]");
+#endif /* NO_REGEX */
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "[ [#%%] file/directory/all]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
diff --git a/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h b/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..e64ac65d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/fortune/pathnames.h
@@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1991 The Regents of the University of California.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ * must display the following acknowledgement:
+ * This product includes software developed by the University of
+ * California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)pathnames.h 5.2 (Berkeley) 4/8/91
+ */
+
+#define FORTDIR "/usr/share/games/fortune"
diff --git a/fortune/strfile/Makefile b/fortune/strfile/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..96ee7782
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/strfile/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,6 @@
+# @(#)Makefile 5.1 (Berkeley) 4/27/91
+
+PROG= strfile
+NOMAN= noman
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/strfile/strfile.8 b/fortune/strfile/strfile.8
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..2bbabe1b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/strfile/strfile.8
@@ -0,0 +1,147 @@
+.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991 The Regents of the University of California.
+.\" All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\"
+.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+.\" Ken Arnold.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+.\" must display the following acknowledgement:
+.\" This product includes software developed by the University of
+.\" California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+.\" 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)strfile.8 5.9 (Berkeley) 3/16/91
+.\"
+.Dd March 16, 1991
+.Dt STRFILE 8
+.Os BSD 4
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm strfile ,
+.Nm unstr
+.Nd "create a random access file for storing strings"
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm strfile
+.Op Fl iorsx
+.Op Fl c Ar char
+.Ar source_file
+.Op Ar output_file
+.Nm unstr
+.Ar source_file
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+.Nm Strfile
+reads a file containing groups of lines separated by a line containing
+a single percent
+.Ql \&%
+sign and creates a data file which contains
+a header structure and a table of file offsets for each group of lines.
+This allows random access of the strings.
+.Pp
+The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named
+.Ar source_file Ns Sy .out .
+.Pp
+The options are as follows:
+.Bl -tag -width "-c char"
+.It Fl c Ar char
+Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to
+.Ar char .
+.It Fl i
+Ignore case when ordering the strings.
+.It Fl o
+Order the strings in alphabetical order.
+The offset table will be sorted in the alphabetical order of the
+groups of lines referenced.
+Any initial non-alphanumeric characters are ignored.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_ORDERED
+bit in the header
+.Ar str_flags
+field to be set.
+.It Fl r
+Randomize access to the strings.
+Entries in the offset table will be randomly ordered.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_RANDOM
+bit in the header
+.Ar str_flags
+field to be set.
+.It Fl s
+Run silently; don't give a summary message when finished.
+.It Fl x
+Note that each alphabetic character in the groups of lines is rotated
+13 positions in a simple caesar cypher.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_ROTATED
+bit in the header
+.Ar str_flags
+field to be set.
+.El
+.Pp
+The format of the header is:
+.Bd -literal
+#define VERSION 1
+unsigned long str_version; /* version number */
+unsigned long str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */
+unsigned long str_longlen; /* length of longest string */
+unsigned long str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */
+#define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */
+#define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */
+#define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */
+unsigned long str_flags; /* bit field for flags */
+char str_delim; /* delimiting character */
+.Ed
+.Pp
+All fields are written in network byte order.
+.Pp
+The purpose of
+.Nm unstr
+is to undo the work of
+.Nm strfile .
+It prints out the strings contained in the file
+.Ar source_file
+in the order that they are listed in
+the header file
+.Ar source_file Ns Pa .dat
+to standard output.
+It is possible to create sorted versions of input files by using
+.Fl o
+when
+.Nm strfile
+is run and then using
+.Nm unstr
+to dump them out in the table order.
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+.Xr byteorder 3 ,
+.Xr fortune 6
+.Sh FILES
+.Bl -tag -width strfile.out -compact
+.It Pa strfile.out
+default output file.
+.El
+.Sh HISTORY
+The
+.Nm
+command
+.Ud
diff --git a/fortune/strfile/strfile.c b/fortune/strfile/strfile.c
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..6271e68d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/strfile/strfile.c
@@ -0,0 +1,456 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1989 The Regents of the University of California.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ * must display the following acknowledgement:
+ * This product includes software developed by the University of
+ * California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989 The Regents of the University of California.\n\
+ All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)strfile.c 5.12 (Berkeley) 4/8/91";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+# include <machine/endian.h>
+# include <sys/param.h>
+# include <stdio.h>
+# include <ctype.h>
+# include "strfile.h"
+
+# ifndef MAXPATHLEN
+# define MAXPATHLEN 1024
+# endif /* MAXPATHLEN */
+
+/*
+ * This program takes a file composed of strings seperated by
+ * lines starting with two consecutive delimiting character (default
+ * character is '%') and creates another file which consists of a table
+ * describing the file (structure from "strfile.h"), a table of seek
+ * pointers to the start of the strings, and the strings, each terminated
+ * by a null byte. Usage:
+ *
+ * % strfile [-iorsx] [ -cC ] sourcefile [ datafile ]
+ *
+ * c - Change delimiting character from '%' to 'C'
+ * s - Silent. Give no summary of data processed at the end of
+ * the run.
+ * o - order the strings in alphabetic order
+ * i - if ordering, ignore case
+ * r - randomize the order of the strings
+ * x - set rotated bit
+ *
+ * Ken Arnold Sept. 7, 1978 --
+ *
+ * Added ordering options.
+ */
+
+# define TRUE 1
+# define FALSE 0
+
+# define STORING_PTRS (Oflag || Rflag)
+# define CHUNKSIZE 512
+
+#ifdef lint
+# define ALWAYS atoi("1")
+#else
+# define ALWAYS 1
+#endif
+# define ALLOC(ptr,sz) if (ALWAYS) { \
+ if (ptr == NULL) \
+ ptr = malloc((unsigned int) (CHUNKSIZE * sizeof *ptr)); \
+ else if (((sz) + 1) % CHUNKSIZE == 0) \
+ ptr = realloc((void *) ptr, ((unsigned int) ((sz) + CHUNKSIZE) * sizeof *ptr)); \
+ if (ptr == NULL) { \
+ fprintf(stderr, "out of space\n"); \
+ exit(1); \
+ } \
+ } else
+
+#ifdef NO_VOID
+# define void char
+#endif
+
+typedef struct {
+ char first;
+ off_t pos;
+} STR;
+
+char *Infile = NULL, /* input file name */
+ Outfile[MAXPATHLEN] = "", /* output file name */
+ Delimch = '%'; /* delimiting character */
+
+int Sflag = FALSE; /* silent run flag */
+int Oflag = FALSE; /* ordering flag */
+int Iflag = FALSE; /* ignore case flag */
+int Rflag = FALSE; /* randomize order flag */
+int Xflag = FALSE; /* set rotated bit */
+long Num_pts = 0; /* number of pointers/strings */
+
+off_t *Seekpts;
+
+FILE *Sort_1, *Sort_2; /* pointers for sorting */
+
+STRFILE Tbl; /* statistics table */
+
+STR *Firstch; /* first chars of each string */
+
+char *fgets(), *strcpy(), *strcat();
+
+void *malloc(), *realloc();
+
+/*
+ * main:
+ * Drive the sucker. There are two main modes -- either we store
+ * the seek pointers, if the table is to be sorted or randomized,
+ * or we write the pointer directly to the file, if we are to stay
+ * in file order. If the former, we allocate and re-allocate in
+ * CHUNKSIZE blocks; if the latter, we just write each pointer,
+ * and then seek back to the beginning to write in the table.
+ */
+main(ac, av)
+int ac;
+char **av;
+{
+ register char *sp, dc;
+ register FILE *inf, *outf;
+ register off_t last_off, length, pos, *p;
+ register int first, cnt;
+ register char *nsp;
+ register STR *fp;
+ static char string[257];
+
+ getargs(ac, av); /* evalute arguments */
+ dc = Delimch;
+ if ((inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL) {
+ perror(Infile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+
+ if ((outf = fopen(Outfile, "w")) == NULL) {
+ perror(Outfile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if (!STORING_PTRS)
+ (void) fseek(outf, sizeof Tbl, 0);
+
+ /*
+ * Write the strings onto the file
+ */
+
+ Tbl.str_longlen = 0;
+ Tbl.str_shortlen = (unsigned int) 0xffffffff;
+ Tbl.str_delim = dc;
+ Tbl.str_version = VERSION;
+ first = Oflag;
+ add_offset(outf, ftell(inf));
+ last_off = 0;
+ do {
+ sp = fgets(string, 256, inf);
+ if (sp == NULL || sp[0] == dc && sp[1] == '\n') {
+ pos = ftell(inf);
+ length = pos - last_off - (sp ? strlen(sp) : 0);
+ last_off = pos;
+ if (!length)
+ continue;
+ add_offset(outf, pos);
+ if (Tbl.str_longlen < length)
+ Tbl.str_longlen = length;
+ if (Tbl.str_shortlen > length)
+ Tbl.str_shortlen = length;
+ first = Oflag;
+ }
+ else if (first) {
+ for (nsp = sp; !isalnum(*nsp); nsp++)
+ continue;
+ ALLOC(Firstch, Num_pts);
+ fp = &Firstch[Num_pts - 1];
+ if (Iflag && isupper(*nsp))
+ fp->first = tolower(*nsp);
+ else
+ fp->first = *nsp;
+ fp->pos = Seekpts[Num_pts - 1];
+ first = FALSE;
+ }
+ } while (sp != NULL);
+
+ /*
+ * write the tables in
+ */
+
+ (void) fclose(inf);
+
+ if (Oflag)
+ do_order();
+ else if (Rflag)
+ randomize();
+
+ if (Xflag)
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ROTATED;
+
+ if (!Sflag) {
+ printf("\"%s\" created\n", Outfile);
+ if (Num_pts == 2)
+ puts("There was 1 string");
+ else
+ printf("There were %d strings\n", Num_pts - 1);
+ printf("Longest string: %lu byte%s\n", Tbl.str_longlen,
+ Tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
+ printf("Shortest string: %lu byte%s\n", Tbl.str_shortlen,
+ Tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
+ }
+
+ (void) fseek(outf, (off_t) 0, 0);
+ Tbl.str_version = htonl(Tbl.str_version);
+ Tbl.str_numstr = htonl(Num_pts - 1);
+ Tbl.str_longlen = htonl(Tbl.str_longlen);
+ Tbl.str_shortlen = htonl(Tbl.str_shortlen);
+ Tbl.str_flags = htonl(Tbl.str_flags);
+ (void) fwrite((char *) &Tbl, sizeof Tbl, 1, outf);
+ if (STORING_PTRS) {
+ for (p = Seekpts, cnt = Num_pts; cnt--; ++p)
+ *p = htonl(*p);
+ (void) fwrite((char *) Seekpts, sizeof *Seekpts, (int) Num_pts, outf);
+ }
+ (void) fclose(outf);
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * This routine evaluates arguments from the command line
+ */
+getargs(argc, argv)
+int argc;
+char **argv;
+{
+ extern char *optarg;
+ extern int optind;
+ int ch;
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "c:iorsx")) != EOF)
+ switch(ch) {
+ case 'c': /* new delimiting char */
+ Delimch = *optarg;
+ if (!isascii(Delimch)) {
+ printf("bad delimiting character: '\\%o\n'",
+ Delimch);
+ }
+ break;
+ case 'i': /* ignore case in ordering */
+ Iflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'o': /* order strings */
+ Oflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'r': /* randomize pointers */
+ Rflag++;
+ break;
+ case 's': /* silent */
+ Sflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'x': /* set the rotated bit */
+ Xflag++;
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ usage();
+ }
+ argv += optind;
+
+ if (*argv) {
+ Infile = *argv;
+ if (*++argv)
+ (void) strcpy(Outfile, *argv);
+ }
+ if (!Infile) {
+ puts("No input file name");
+ usage();
+ }
+ if (*Outfile == '\0') {
+ (void) strcpy(Outfile, Infile);
+ (void) strcat(Outfile, ".dat");
+ }
+}
+
+usage()
+{
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "strfile [-iorsx] [-c char] sourcefile [datafile]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_offset:
+ * Add an offset to the list, or write it out, as appropriate.
+ */
+add_offset(fp, off)
+FILE *fp;
+off_t off;
+{
+ off_t net;
+
+ if (!STORING_PTRS) {
+ net = htonl(off);
+ fwrite(&net, 1, sizeof net, fp);
+ } else {
+ ALLOC(Seekpts, Num_pts + 1);
+ Seekpts[Num_pts] = off;
+ }
+ Num_pts++;
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_order:
+ * Order the strings alphabetically (possibly ignoring case).
+ */
+do_order()
+{
+ register int i;
+ register off_t *lp;
+ register STR *fp;
+ extern int cmp_str();
+
+ Sort_1 = fopen(Infile, "r");
+ Sort_2 = fopen(Infile, "r");
+ qsort((char *) Firstch, (int) Tbl.str_numstr, sizeof *Firstch, cmp_str);
+ i = Tbl.str_numstr;
+ lp = Seekpts;
+ fp = Firstch;
+ while (i--)
+ *lp++ = fp++->pos;
+ (void) fclose(Sort_1);
+ (void) fclose(Sort_2);
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ORDERED;
+}
+
+/*
+ * cmp_str:
+ * Compare two strings in the file
+ */
+char *
+unctrl(c)
+char c;
+{
+ static char buf[3];
+
+ if (isprint(c)) {
+ buf[0] = c;
+ buf[1] = '\0';
+ }
+ else if (c == 0177) {
+ buf[0] = '^';
+ buf[1] = '?';
+ }
+ else {
+ buf[0] = '^';
+ buf[1] = c + 'A' - 1;
+ }
+ return buf;
+}
+
+cmp_str(p1, p2)
+STR *p1, *p2;
+{
+ register int c1, c2;
+ register int n1, n2;
+
+# define SET_N(nf,ch) (nf = (ch == '\n'))
+# define IS_END(ch,nf) (ch == Delimch && nf)
+
+ c1 = p1->first;
+ c2 = p2->first;
+ if (c1 != c2)
+ return c1 - c2;
+
+ (void) fseek(Sort_1, p1->pos, 0);
+ (void) fseek(Sort_2, p2->pos, 0);
+
+ n1 = FALSE;
+ n2 = FALSE;
+ while (!isalnum(c1 = getc(Sort_1)) && c1 != '\0')
+ SET_N(n1, c1);
+ while (!isalnum(c2 = getc(Sort_2)) && c2 != '\0')
+ SET_N(n2, c2);
+
+ while (!IS_END(c1, n1) && !IS_END(c2, n2)) {
+ if (Iflag) {
+ if (isupper(c1))
+ c1 = tolower(c1);
+ if (isupper(c2))
+ c2 = tolower(c2);
+ }
+ if (c1 != c2)
+ return c1 - c2;
+ SET_N(n1, c1);
+ SET_N(n2, c2);
+ c1 = getc(Sort_1);
+ c2 = getc(Sort_2);
+ }
+ if (IS_END(c1, n1))
+ c1 = 0;
+ if (IS_END(c2, n2))
+ c2 = 0;
+ return c1 - c2;
+}
+
+/*
+ * randomize:
+ * Randomize the order of the string table. We must be careful
+ * not to randomize across delimiter boundaries. All
+ * randomization is done within each block.
+ */
+randomize()
+{
+ register int cnt, i;
+ register off_t tmp;
+ register off_t *sp;
+ extern time_t time();
+
+ srandom((int)(time((time_t *) NULL) + getpid()));
+
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_RANDOM;
+ cnt = Tbl.str_numstr;
+
+ /*
+ * move things around randomly
+ */
+
+ for (sp = Seekpts; cnt > 0; cnt--, sp++) {
+ i = random() % cnt;
+ tmp = sp[0];
+ sp[0] = sp[i];
+ sp[i] = tmp;
+ }
+}
diff --git a/fortune/strfile/strfile.h b/fortune/strfile/strfile.h
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..0f93928b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/strfile/strfile.h
@@ -0,0 +1,54 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1991 The Regents of the University of California.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ * must display the following acknowledgement:
+ * This product includes software developed by the University of
+ * California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)strfile.h 5.8 (Berkeley) 4/8/91
+ */
+
+#define STR_ENDSTRING(line,tbl) \
+ ((line)[0] == (tbl).str_delim && (line)[1] == '\n')
+
+typedef struct { /* information table */
+#define VERSION 1
+ unsigned long str_version; /* version number */
+ unsigned long str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */
+ unsigned long str_longlen; /* length of longest string */
+ unsigned long str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */
+#define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */
+#define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */
+#define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */
+ unsigned long str_flags; /* bit field for flags */
+ unsigned char stuff[4]; /* long aligned space */
+#define str_delim stuff[0] /* delimiting character */
+} STRFILE;
diff --git a/fortune/tools/Do_spell b/fortune/tools/Do_spell
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..fdba4892
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/tools/Do_spell
@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+#!/bin/sh -
+#
+# @(#)Do_spell 5.2 (Berkeley) 4/8/91
+#
+
+F=_spell.$$
+echo $1
+spell < $1 > $F
+sort $F $1.sp.ok | uniq -u | column
+rm -f $F
diff --git a/fortune/tools/Do_troff b/fortune/tools/Do_troff
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..dc2000e3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/tools/Do_troff
@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+#!/bin/csh -f
+#
+# @(#)Do_troff 5.4 (Berkeley) 4/8/91
+#
+
+set file=$1
+shift
+( echo ".ds Se $file" ; cat Troff.mac ; sed -f Troff.sed $file ) | \
+ $* -me >& $file.tr
+echo troff output in $file.tr
diff --git a/fortune/tools/Troff.mac b/fortune/tools/Troff.mac
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..c2b433e1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/tools/Troff.mac
@@ -0,0 +1,26 @@
+.nr tp 8
+.nr hm 3v
+.nr fm 2v
+.nr tm 5v
+.nr bm 4v
+.cs R
+.sc
+.sz 6
+.ll +10n
+.lt \n(.l
+.de $h
+.tl 'Fortune Database'\\*(Se'\*(td'
+..
+.de $f
+.tl ''- % -''
+..
+.2c
+.nf
+.ta
+.ta 8n 16n 24n 32n 40n 48n 56n 64n 72n 80n
+.de %%
+.sp .3
+.ce
+\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq
+.sp .2
+..
diff --git a/fortune/tools/Troff.sed b/fortune/tools/Troff.sed
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..32166812
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/tools/Troff.sed
@@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
+/^['.]/s//\\\&&/
+/^%%/s//.&/
+/--/s//\\*-/g
+/_a-squared cos 2(phi)/s//\\fIa\\fP\\u2\\d cos 2\\(*f/
+/__**\([a-zA-Z]*\)/s//\\fI\1\\fP/g
+/"\(.\)/s//\1\\*:/g
+/`\(.\)/s//\1\\*`/g
+/'\(.\)/s//\1\\*'/g
+/~\(.\)/s//\1\\*~/g
+/\^\(.\)/s//\1\\*^/g
+/,\(.\)/s//\1\\*,/g
+/\(.\)\(.\)/s//\\o_\1\2_/g
+/*/s//\\(bs/g
diff --git a/fortune/unstr/Makefile b/fortune/unstr/Makefile
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..12ce2289
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/unstr/Makefile
@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+# @(#)Makefile 5.1 (Berkeley) 4/27/91
+
+PROG= unstr
+NOMAN= noman
+CFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/fortune/unstr/unstr.c b/fortune/unstr/unstr.c
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..249705c7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/fortune/unstr/unstr.c
@@ -0,0 +1,144 @@
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1991 The Regents of the University of California.
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software
+ * must display the following acknowledgement:
+ * This product includes software developed by the University of
+ * California, Berkeley and its contributors.
+ * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1991 The Regents of the University of California.\n\
+ All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)unstr.c 5.8 (Berkeley) 4/8/91";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+/*
+ * This program un-does what "strfile" makes, thereby obtaining the
+ * original file again. This can be invoked with the name of the output
+ * file, the input file, or both. If invoked with only a single argument
+ * ending in ".dat", it is pressumed to be the input file and the output
+ * file will be the same stripped of the ".dat". If the single argument
+ * doesn't end in ".dat", then it is presumed to be the output file, and
+ * the input file is that name prepended by a ".dat". If both are given
+ * they are treated literally as the input and output files.
+ *
+ * Ken Arnold Aug 13, 1978
+ */
+
+# include <machine/endian.h>
+# include <sys/param.h>
+# include "strfile.h"
+# include <stdio.h>
+# include <ctype.h>
+
+# ifndef MAXPATHLEN
+# define MAXPATHLEN 1024
+# endif /* MAXPATHLEN */
+
+char *Infile, /* name of input file */
+ Datafile[MAXPATHLEN], /* name of data file */
+ Delimch; /* delimiter character */
+
+FILE *Inf, *Dataf;
+
+char *strcat(), *strcpy();
+
+/* ARGSUSED */
+main(ac, av)
+int ac;
+char **av;
+{
+ static STRFILE tbl; /* description table */
+
+ getargs(av);
+ if ((Inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL) {
+ perror(Infile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if ((Dataf = fopen(Datafile, "r")) == NULL) {
+ perror(Datafile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ (void) fread((char *) &tbl, sizeof tbl, 1, Dataf);
+ tbl.str_version = ntohl(tbl.str_version);
+ tbl.str_numstr = ntohl(tbl.str_numstr);
+ tbl.str_longlen = ntohl(tbl.str_longlen);
+ tbl.str_shortlen = ntohl(tbl.str_shortlen);
+ tbl.str_flags = ntohl(tbl.str_flags);
+ if (!(tbl.str_flags & (STR_ORDERED | STR_RANDOM))) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "nothing to do -- table in file order\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ Delimch = tbl.str_delim;
+ order_unstr(&tbl);
+ (void) fclose(Inf);
+ (void) fclose(Dataf);
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+getargs(av)
+register char *av[];
+{
+ if (!*++av) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "usage: unstr datafile\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ Infile = *av;
+ (void) strcpy(Datafile, Infile);
+ (void) strcat(Datafile, ".dat");
+}
+
+order_unstr(tbl)
+register STRFILE *tbl;
+{
+ register int i;
+ register char *sp;
+ auto off_t pos;
+ char buf[BUFSIZ];
+
+ for (i = 0; i < tbl->str_numstr; i++) {
+ (void) fread((char *) &pos, 1, sizeof pos, Dataf);
+ (void) fseek(Inf, ntohl(pos), 0);
+ if (i != 0)
+ (void) printf("%c\n", Delimch);
+ for (;;) {
+ sp = fgets(buf, sizeof buf, Inf);
+ if (sp == NULL || STR_ENDSTRING(sp, *tbl))
+ break;
+ else
+ fputs(sp, stdout);
+ }
+ }
+}